33 today.
Wow, yeah.

Just been busy.
Two more weeks until I'm officially 33. Where the hell are the years going?
I'm going to see motionless in white in Spokane march as a late birthday present from my friend. I'm so effin jazzed. I get to have a pre midlife crisis and oogle Chris motionless. And it doesn't make me cougar because him and I close to the same age.. I believe..

Yup.
That's what I've been up to lately. Gettin old and going to school.

Because I could totally be content with him yelling at me.
Does that qualify as a fetish? Wanting to be yelled at by metal core singers?

Like at all really. I managed to put some lights on our porch, put the tree and wreath up.. But it's just all still really depressing since around this time everyone knew of Alex and were buying me things for the pregnancy and for him. And this would of been his first christmas with us..

I've been try think of something to do holiday wise to honor him, I don't know if I want to donate time somewhere or make a stocking for another bereaved family or a baby in the nicu. I just want to do something to try and make this christmas positive for me.

I don't know.. There's just this empty void without him and it sucks.

So hypothetically speaking.
If you had a parent inlaw that was doing everything in their living power to make your relationship miserable. Would you encourage their child, your spouse to cut ties with them?

I'm at a point that I am sick of my fiance's mother. She's the nothing but hateful towards me and toxic to her son because of me. She does these passive aggressive things to try to get a raise out of me when I have to be around her and when I'm not around all she does is tell him how much she hates me.

In the long run I don't want to tell my fiance to get rid of his mom for me.. But at the same I'm done seeing him suffer because of her problem with me..

I will not split with him because of her. This is our relationship not hers.. She does not need to feel like she has that kind of power. Besides, I'm not going to throw way five years of happy relationship with someone who loves me just as much as I do them.

My fiances mom had decided to stop pretending she likes me and now tries to find away to make me feel bad about myself or break me and him up.

Tonight she decided to message him thinking it was his phone to complain about me not being able to find work. She's took it upon herself to force money on us and blames me for her doing it.. Her message consisted of her telling him that she wouldn't have to work so hard if his girl friend got a job...

I laughed and told her I'd relay the message.

Yeah. I'm a cunt sometimes.. But I've been trying to find work for the last four months "Even right after having Alex." Turned in application after application only to never get a call back. So at this point I don't care what she says.,.. I don't and won't live up to her standards.

I still am burnt that someone would report without questioning me first. But it's whatever for the most part. I've just decided I won't be posting that picture again.. The most I might is his headstone if that isn't breaking any TOS or offensive to anyone.


I'm doing better. Going to grief counseling on top of being prozac for some serious PPD that I have on top of the grief. But yea, better.
However if anyone is ever feeling generous enough I would love a freebie of Marm with a little angel leopard cub. Maybe even commission someone when I have free money for that kind of thing.

Please be considerate of the fact that he is still an extremely sensitive subject for me and sometimes I just can't and won't talk about him. Somedays I may be a pissy bitch for what seems like no reason at all. It's nothing personal "unless you've done something." I just have my good days and bad.

Not back just updating.
They cremated Alex last week.
My incision has decided to get an infection and heal slow.

I ended up anemic from the c section and needed two units of blood to get me back to normal.

I still think you all are a bunch of assholes or chicken shits. "At least to whoever the person was that reported. "

side from all of that.. I'm still here, emotionally wibbly wobbly but here.

After having my picture deleted because of someone jumping to conclusion's about the content and it being removed without question.I'm done for awhile.
On top of that I just am not emotionally well enough to be around too much.
Losing him has hit me hard despite knowing this the outcome.
His father and I are busy trying to raise money to bury him. I have a gofundme if anyone would like to donate. We're at the half way point now because of our awesome friends and family. So help with the home stretch would be greatly appreciated.

I never thought I'd have to ask this. But some one reported my picture and had it removed because for some reason they thought I posted a picture of my dead baby. Which if you read the header properly you would get that he died the next morning.

Not that I plan to repost it. I just need to be clear that I didn't post my dead infant for the whole world to see.

I mean.. Really? Seriously FA.

Wednesday I was set to have a regular check up appointment with my specialist and discuss birthing plans for Alex. Well, went and my blood pressure was soaring 175/85 so they told they had no choice but to admit me and prep me for surgery as little Alex was still sitting transverse, natural birth would of been to risky for both of us.

8:05 wednesday I was sent to the OR and prepped for my c-section.

Alex was delivered at 9:30. He was 4 pounds three ounces and 13 inches long. He stayed with us until 7:30 in the morning thursday. He was surrounded by love the whole night. We kissed, cuddled and held him the whole time.

Just feeling very unmotivated to do a lot of things or really sit on the computer for any length of time.

Anticipating the 12th because that is the big day that decides on if I carry to full term or if we're inducing early, how we're going to handle his care/comfort and where I will be delivering.. Am I having a c-section or a natural birth.
All of this is taking place in Tacoma with Mary Bridges and multi care.

I'm turning into frickin preggasaurus which has put me on full on sloth mode..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyohG0-VIrk
So I'm over calling this an insult to witchcraft and worrying what the outcome will be because from what I've seen it's just a bunch of protesters who don't have the slightest fart in their body of what they are doing.

But just the notion that people think that using this kind of magic is "if they were actually able." is appropriate to do to someone is revolting in a lot of ways. Everyone is talking about how oppressive this man is. How he is wanting to do more harm than good and control everything..
Wait what?
Isn't that the exact something you're doing here? Oh, right. You're doing it for the greater good.
But you're wrong.
Magically speaking. Lol You're not even doing a ritual....
Two, there's already people who are ramping to deflect you and your "binding" or the people actually do know what they're doing. Which, they're honestly more worried about than you sitting on a side walk with bells, whistles, pictures of trump, carrots bound in thread.. Reciting what sounds like the shaming scene from game of thrones.

I'm normally not a hateful person but this is too much.

Yesterday was an ob day for me and the baby. My ob is suggesting that we induce early that way it could possible for me to deliver him vaginally. She's also suggesting this because if I wait until term his head may be too large for a good c section, she's afraid that it will mean that she'd have to do one that would take longer to heal and also mean that that will be the only way I can deliver from now on.

I started the thinking process on this yesterday on my way home.. And my feelings are if he isn't going to make it it would be easier on both of us to go when while I still can have him vaginally and get to see him like I want too and not have it be as much stress on him or I. My only big block is wondering what it will mean if I still can't manage to have him vaginally now.. Does it mean I'll end up getting an emergency c-section. Does she feel like me trying to have him vaginally is the safest bet for me.

I'm leaning towards it though, I've came terms with a lot of things about this pregnancy over the last couple weeks and I know that this isn't the end even if it is not the way we planned for him to come to us.

---

My other rant.
My pagan people! Putting a binding on Trump? Are you fucking serious... Not only is that doing exactly what he is doing to us. That's putting a whole lot of god knows what out after him because I really don't think everyone who participates in these have the same intentions as everyone else.

Fiance and I went to a powwow over the weekend as part of my birthday surprise from him.. We we were there I found a huge stick of white sage for like 10 dollars that this guy was selling in the vendors den. Our house has not been smudged so I bought with the intentions of smudging just to give it a nice freshly wiped feel.

I absolutely love white sage as something to clear and smudge with. Plus, it smells fantastic to me.

Anyway, our smoke detector is normally pretty derptastic and only goes off when there's moisture from the shower in the air. "Literally been the only times it goes off... Mostly when we're both shower." but I got the stick smoldering pretty damn good, started smudging and lo and behold the smoke detector starts going ballistic.

-w-

Fucking fucker.

Should probably call the Winchesters because this clearly a demonic protest of being cleared from the house.

Being home alone is leaving me with a lot of room to sit and think about things and it's kinda rough, especially with the mixture of hormones thrown in now.

In other news wednesday is my birthday. 32, I'm getting old.

Saw the specialist yesterday and it is as everyone has been afraid. Our boy does in fact have a very severe type of skeletal dysplasia. And while it's a fatal one it is one that is not of genetic origin.. The specialist told us that we will not see this in another pregnancy if we are to try. More or less this is just one of those things that happen on a very rare occasion and there's nothing that can stop or reverse it.

He and the genetic counselor both agreed that we should continue on the road to carrying him to term, if at all possible as me being 24 weeks makes me viable and the state doesn't allow terminations after "not that I had planned to unless it was dangerous for both us."
and because of the fact that it is something that we wanted to do.

Our hearts are very heavy but we are going to treasure what little time we will get with him because no matter what is our son and he came to us for a reason.

I'm so nervous that they're going to be right about our baby and there is nothing that can be done but to terminate or carry and have him just for a brief moment.

Though the more my fiance and I tell people about this the more stories I've heard about that particular clinic being horrible and doing similar things to women at the 20 week ultrasound when the baby came out fine. One of my fiance's co workers wife was told that she should just abort and stop trying because she was too old to be carrying anymore. "She's in her thirties."
A friend of mine was told that she should abort both of her babies because she didn't know she was pregnant with one and the other she was going through chemo treatment with when she found she was pregnant. They're both health kids.

So part of me is hoping that our guy is just little and they are wrong about their diagnosis. But as I said before prepared for them to be right too. If they are it will be and we will just try again after we have answers.

Just crossing my fingers.

On a happier note.

I graduated.
Should get my diploma in the mail in about six weeks. Commencement walk is on the 16th of June. Though depending on how I am after the 4th I may or may not be doing that. And then I'll also probably be attending the college for fall 17-winter 18.

Friday the ob got the results of the ultrasound and apparently my baby isn't growing at the rate he should be, they think he has a type of dwarfism that will kill him once he leaves my womb because he won't be able to breathe on his own.

I've opted out of E&D because I think it would be more painful and traumatic for me and my fiance. So if it's possible I'm going to carry to full term and just deliver the baby. Also since I declined late abortion I will be being sent to a couple specialist to see if this was a chance thing or something me and my spouse carry.

Found out today that I'm having a little boy. ~ So excited, my fiance is beside himself because this will be his only boy and someone to carry on the last name.

I'm so happy~

But Jeez ass ladies! Staying still for a 150 pictures was a task.

Like literally.
I'm starting a family, finally have a good solid place that is our own and have been here six months.. And now I'm getting my diploma in 29 days time. "Long story short as to why I'm a 31 year old without a diploma. My high school fucked me over good." And then I'm going to continue on with the college and either go for my CNA to start stuff off or something else. Haven't decided yet.

Well no possible gender reveal until next week. Why?! Because my primary ob is turning out to be a totally flake and didn't have me scheduled for anything but a heart beat check and a measurement. Which, don't get me wrong I love hearing my babies heart beat.. But I was looking forward to possibly knowing the gender and so it was a huge let down having the ob I saw yesterday ask why I was there and then be the one to fix MY ob's mess!

But baby's heart is still doing good we got a reading of 142. I am at the perfect size for my gestational stage.


Also, girl name. Ivy Lee <3

Hoping that the little one doesn't keep it a secret from us.

I have it as a messenger if anyone would like to add me.

Hypothetically speaking if you were to pick one of the two to go into as a field. Which would you?

I'm asking because I'm currently going to school to get my high school diploma "There's a long personal story as to why I don't have it already." and I'm confident that I'll have this done in a few months, so I've been on the fence about continuing school to either get my cna and then work to getting my nurses degree. Or, the other direction and do emt work, or emergency dispatcher.

Any of them I'm interested in getting into because taking care and helping people has always been my interest career wise. I just like to see other peoples opinions.