Suggest species and genders to meeeee!

I feel like character designing. Some may be sold or given away :3

So, first the bad, so you can enjoy the good more.

Moneeeyy, of course. My car is no longer registered. I'm driving on an expired license plate. And I don't have insurance, also I've moved recently and my car was gifted to me so I have to get insurance, then get it registered, then pay the property taxes, all on a car that I have no other payments on.

Aaaannnd. I need to get a phone plan. I want unlimited texting and would PREFER free nights and weekends, but this isn't necessary. My grandparents are cutting me off lololol yay

Also, my gf  stellary is in danger of eviction :( She needs about $500 by Dec 1st, and me being who I am, I feel the need to take on everyone's burden.

Last but not least, my tablet is DEAD. Blah. Gone. Kaputski. SO TO ANYONE I OWE ART TO, it's gonna be a bit till I can computer art some more. :/ Which means my colors will be shit, but if you want, I can draw some lines for you in the meantime!

Now for the good news(for you, I suppose lol)

My scanner IS working, and I'm feeling particularly artistic as of late with the sketches and the whatnot. So in order to try to alleviate some of my monetary woes, I will be taking 'Pay What You Want' commissions.

I will take ANY amount, even $0.01. But you'll get the return of what you pay, of course. Send money to gyoza_samsa@yahoo.com, and don't forget to let me know who you are, how much you sent, and give refs. No asking for poses/color/etc, though, so give me GOOD refs of what your character looks like and who they are.

I will also do lines of character designs this way. I might even break out the colored pencils, but everything should be vague. I like mah artistic freedom.

I will try to split this about 50/50 with the profits half going to my tablet and half to Stell for her rent and bills and stuff >:I Though push comes to shove I can pay for my tablet with my paychecks and more can go to Stell, because while the art and tablet are important, I WON'T be evicted in any of these scenarios.

Hiiii

I'm back from vacationing wiff  stellary, which was awesome and amazing even though I was and am still sick bleeech.

Haven't touched my computer at all literally for a week other than to remove it to be checked by airport security, so like, no artwork got done colorwise, but Stell and I arted in our art books for a bit. I had plenty of time on those plane rides uuuugh.

Now back to working too many hours ;n;

I'll upload some stuff when I manage to pull my computer out :/ I am beinh far too lazy.

I'm waking up at 4am tomorrow to catch a plane to Minneapolis, to see my dearest  stellary

I'm at work atm till 5pm, so my computer's packed. I may or may not be online at all this next week, so in the event that I don't bother with internets, I'll see you guyses when I get back the following Sunday.

Fuck, man. You don't even know how excited I am right now XD totally makes gping to work worth it.

I'm like...  theolis-wolfpaw

lol, only worse cuz I wouldn't admit it for a longer time.

OH WELL.

Guess I'm a furfag now.

:I You win. YOU WON. ARE YOU HAPPY? YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT *sob*

*SOB*

brb, time to draw some werewolf rape. (I wish that was a joke, somehow lolololol)

EDIT: Also I blame  calimachan 100% for any werewolf porn. <3 Enabler.

TABLEEEET

DON'T YOU DIE ON ME

GIVE ME SOME TIME.

AAAUUUGGGGHH THIS WILL BE AN EXPENSIVE VENTURE IF IT GIVES UP ;o;

I have never had a tablet die on me. I lost pens and had tablets that were too small so I upgraded, and I've borrowed tablets from friends cuz they were nicer and I'd lost my pen >.> But this will be a first for me.

It's called too much love.

Anyway. I have the money for it if it dies, but I just don't wanna spend it atm e.e

Guess if it dies, I'll leave the Bamboo line. I have had a Bamboo ever since my very first tablet. This one has lasted almost two years, which is amazing considering my abuse >.> I'll spend an extra few bucks and get a nicer one. Really, I need a tablet where the pen is a-fuckin-ttached though. If you know of one...

But no more friggin touch. I fucking hate touch tablets. Especially nce my cat likes walking on my tablet and putting the touch back on, which really only makes it zoom while I'm coloring without me wanting it to zoom.

When people have journals asking for critique and all I can see is comments going "TOO GOOD, CAN'T CRIT"

This also includes my own journals and critiques in class. I swear. If someone honestly wants to improve, THEY CAN SEE THE FLAWS. And you know, the last thing I personally want from "How can I fix this?" Is "OH STFU, IT'S PERFECT", that's, to me, like saying "Well obviously your judgement is impaired." Or "Well I don't want to hurt your feelings", or even worse "Well I want you to think I'm pretty cool."

It doesn't help me. It makes you look dumb. :I Seriously, you don't need to be an artist to notice flaws, even in GREAT art. I notice. I sometimes see famous older paintings and almost spring a leak I'm so angry with one tiny stupid detail that I bet you the artist saw AND WISHED SOMEONE HAD HELPED THEM FIX.

Even "I dunno, but the face looks funny somehow", which isn't that specific, but points out to me that I should rework a face, is better to me than telling me it looks perfect.



However, I also know that ego-patting is sometimes needed. But not when asking for critique. Critique, by definition, means "a criticism or critical comment on some problem, subject, etc." -Dictionary.com

And in the thesaurus, an ANTONYM(the opposite) for 'critique' is 'compliment' or 'praise'. So, should someone want compliments, they should probably ask what they are doing RIGHT. :I I understand that there are people who do not realize this, but this is a big PET PEEVE of mine.

As a general rule, I don't want critique unless I specifically ask for it. Just because I don't like it when good advice goes to waste, and many times I get critique on pics that are either traditional and beyond the point of fixing, or something that isn't going to be worked on further.

In the meantime, I am open for ass-pats. B) Always. Awww yeah.

Anyway, this isn't an attack on anyone. And it's not an attack on people who ask for critique or even fish for compliments. It's just...

I'm really stressed out right now and want to bitch about something without anyone outside of my friends having to learn about the shittiness that is my life right now~ Because I'm putting it behind meeee.

What it says on the tin.

Who are you? Mostly for like, people I haven't met 'n stuff so yeah. People I do know are welcome to answer too, but it's so I can know some people who're watching me!

Do you watch me for a particular thing I draw? Sexy mens? Sexy wimminz? Sexy somethinginbetweenwedon'tknowwhatbutwearen'tgonnaask? A certain character? Just for the art in general? Because you like seeing I'm still alive?

Did I stop drawing what you originally watched me to see? LET ME KNOW. I am full of WHIMSY. So usually I just stop drawing things cuz something else interesting shows up, but I am apt to return to things sometimes.

Also you can tell me stuff about yourself too. That's pretty super. :> UGH.

I'm going to go to bed though, so no responses tonight, dears~ I will reply ASAP though!

I HEAR THAT IF YOU DIDN'T COME OUT OF THE VAGINA SCREAMING "WHERE'S MY PENIS", YOU AREN'T REALLY TRANS, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

Ugh

Seriously.

I need to fucking get away from my grandparents. You apparently can't be trans* if you have any traits from your birth gender according to them. Guys can't like dressing in heels without being automatically women. Also, it had to be that way your entire life, even as a kid.

Nevermind the fact that I only played with guys as a kid, played with guy toys, only wanted guy toys when we went to fast food restaurants and wanted to go in to the BOYS DEPARTMENT to shop every time. And forget that every time that I did that my mom berated me into submission. "Little girls don't dress that way/look that way/act that way"

So much angry.

I can't even... ugh. I'm so happy that I've got a vacation coming up at the end of this month, because this much bottling up can't be good for me. >.< However, there are prospects for me not only to start my art business, but to talk to other trans* people who my grandparents actually respect the opinions of. So yeah, I dunno.

So! Since apparently when you are trying to get off of caffeine, you can't sleep or something, no matter how goddamn tired you are, I figured I'd let you guys know that I might possibly be doing a webcomic that would maybe be relevant to your interests if you are like... watching me and stuff. :I

It won't be furry(insta-loses all interest)... Hey wait, it'll still be cool. It's going to have gay Russians in it, probably killing people and killing each other and whatever else I can come up with. But it's gonna be some sort of project, so I probs won't be allowed to post it here.

Expect teasers and stuff, lol

I hope to update it bi-weekly if only cuz I have a hectic day job schedule ATM, but I wanna teach myself discipline.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6558969/

Note or comment or whatever to get one. No slots this time, I'm going all out.

I need to raise $340 by like, the second week of October or so. I've got a bit due to having a job, but having a boost will be helpful. See the link at the top of the page or here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6558969/ :for prices and stuff!

I look forward to meeting any future patrons! 'o'

SO.

Apparently I lost my cat when I went to sleep. Yeah.

Here's the deal. If you tell someone "Don't give my kid soda, they aren't allowed soda", and then they turn around and give your kid soda, you'd be mad, right? Well, it's the same way with my cats. I tell my grandparents to shut the fucking cellar door, because I don't let her down there and they're like "Oh, there's nothing down there that will hurt her", and I'm like "I dont give a fuck, she is MY cat, and MY cat doesn't go into the cellar.

Well, they had this fucking asshole over(My grandmother's son, go fucking figure), and he's going around leaving doors open. Now I'm not even sure if she's in the cellar, in the house, or even outside, because he left all sorts of doors and windows open and unattended.

With any luck, I still have a cat when I come home tonight, but I shouldn't have to worry that when I go to sleep, someone might come over and let her out. BI

Hate this fucking place.

EDIT: Found cat, still pissed though. >:( I can only say thank god for vacuums. Or whoever invented vacuums.

New topic.

It's SPLENDUH not SPLENDOR. Our coffee isn't that good, stop telling me to put splendor in it.

I can't put one splendor in it, nevermind six. Do you know how sweet that coffee is going to be? Using fake sugar doesn't make it any better for you.

In other news, I'm acidic.

Been tryin to drink milk cuz I feel like if I cough I might spew acid and melt everything in front of me :/ Haven't eaten much, don't know what the problem is. Guess I'm still sick. x.x Too much to ask that it'd be over now.

Also. If you try to wake someone up going "Don't you want to eat?" three times and the response was an angry grunt, the answer is no, so leave them the fuck alone.

On that note, I hate old people. Get called in to work two hours early today, come home sore and all they can say is "BACK IN MY DAY I WORKED 12 HOUR SHIFTS STOP WHINING"

And I'm like "Fuck you, you also got paid $18 an hour to do it."

Have you ever heard a banshee scream?

I certainly hope that's not what I just heard. But I'm not sure what else it could be, cuz it was certainly a strange noise.

I hope I'm not crazy. I'd hate to be crazy.

But I'd more hate the implications of it being a banshee.

Got an iPod touch, thanks to a coworker/friend/my cousin's friend. I'm using it to be online right now. Anyway, what I really wanted you guys to know is that I got Skype on this thing, but it's a new account/name because my last one was giving me trouble. Note me if you want it, and I'm gonna attempt to get AIM on this thing. Other than that, I think I have food poisoning. Not nearly as bad as the first time cuz I'm able to MOVE this time, but uuuuugh. Anyway, I'm gonna go to work tonight, clean my room tomorrow, then do a shit ton of sleeping.

lol a good/strange dream again last night. Just getting around to typing it up, but meh.

Four gods, all of differing elements/properties/whatever. One of them is an asshole and pisses the other three off, but like good gods, they don't start a war and instead have little angry tea parties about it.

"Oh my god, did you see what _____ did?"

"Yeah I did. Man, I hate that guy."

"We should like... do something about it"

Well they eventually manage to do so. Well, I mean, not actually DO anything, but plan it. Like get mobilized and everything too. They seemed to be, like, generals, and had minions and stuff.

I was the most unlikely of them, because I hate the colors green and brown and generally think of myself as a fiery or electric or ice type spirit, but I was the god of Life/Death and nature. I distinctly remember tree roots and a yellow-green glow. Also an incident that was strange.

There were rats and I came upon the dead body of my grandmother's cat(who is alive right now, btw). The rats scattered and I pulled the cat to me by it's tail. She was stiff, but then I touched her face and she came back to life.

Anyway, I have no idea where that scene goes, but there it is.

SO, the landscape when we all finally got together on with our 'minions'... Oh god. I can't even describe the awesome.

An inch of water on an invisible floor that seemed to be floating somewhere. The water came from the middle of the platform and spilled off the edges endlessly. There was a blue orb, held in place in a golden sculpture that may or may not have had a hard time standing in real life. The background was the tops of mountains. It had a very crisp and chilly feel to it.

Joining me were gods that showed the elements of Water and Fire, the one we were against had the color gold as his signature color, but I have no idea of any of that further, cuz I woke up before there was a conclusion.

In other news, I'm breaking out my watercolors again. Doing a redo of an old picture that is pretty... I dunno, but it's a picture that's a pretty emotional piece for one of my characters and I want to make it look better since the first version fell flat of what I hat wanted.

I can't...

I'm not feeling so hot lately. I can't keep going like this >.< Work and sick, and taking care of grandparents and my hand and uuuuugh

I keep having chills. I'm so tired. No amount of sleep or moving is helping. I've been getting actually NORMAL sleep. We're talking like 9-10pm to 7am ish

I used to sleep more or less. I always thought regulating my sleep would help, but I feel more tired than ever. I've got the chills, I'm nauseous and can't bring myself to eat hardly at all. I even sat out in the sun today to try getting energy that way. I mean, I know I have no friends here to go out and do things with , but I'm trying to get out to make myself feel better, pull myself out of depression. Working never made me feel like this before. I don't think it's the work either, since it's not exactly something new or difficult and the people even seem to like me there.

My mood has been okay, except that I am grouchy as hell when people say something that ticks me off, but otherwise I'm usually okay.

I had to wrap up my right hand today too, on account of somehow fucking up my pinky. MORE SUPER.

I'm so tired.

So uh

Have you ever had lucid dreams?

Well, I dunno, but I had an experience last night that made me go out of my MIND. D: I was sleepy, so my eyes closed and I think the way to describe it would be like fucking jumping into the Matrix. That is how it felt. Not like I had fallen asleep. One, unbroken stream of consciousness and then I was there, in my bed, but not in my bed. I mean, I WAS in my bed, but I could tell I wasn't really when I got up. It was a dream, but I had a feeling it was about to become a nightmare when I touched my feet to the ground. (Also my room was SPOTLESS when I looked around. OBVIOUSLY a dream)

So I forced myself to wake up. But when I sat up in my bed, I was still dreaming. I didn't make it to the real world until my second try @_@

It was really freaky. Like... I've had dreams I swore were real, but I've never felt AWAKE in my dreams. Like, %100. I felt like I'd entered a different world. I wasn't sure I wanted to explore though, because I know what my dreams are capable of :( Maybe if it happens again I'll try looking around more. Maybe even see what happens if I feel like changing it.

Hey guys! Thanks for all of the responses to my last journal. They were all very thoughtful and helpful. ;n; I'm not worthy of all that, but I do appreciate everyone's care and support. I've been really tired lately, and while I appreciate every word, I have a hard time typing up long things at the moment.

A bout of depression is crushing me. I'm going to talk to people soon as I can, hopefully get Mainecare or whatever it is called, but they will help me see a doctor, and more importantly at the moment, a therapist. As much as I dislike the idea of being medicated at all, I dislike the idea of just changing my diet and my exercise and hoping I don't die of an asthma or and anxiety attack or of something worse that has been popping up in my head a whole lot lately a WHOLE LOT more than the idea of medicine.

In the meantime, I have been managing to slowly work through art that I owe. Not sure why I can do that right now and without it turning out too horrible, but it's getting done. :I I'm very sorry I'm taking so long on my art.

Also, I've been speculating Khana is a bengal. Well, she DEFS is. According to a vet and the textbook descriptions of the breed, including it's chirping and cooing calls.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's support and advice. I will take it to heart and I hope to eventually get to respond to everyone with something that is as thoughtful as the comments I got. T_T

For once, I'm actually worried about myself. I don't do it often, but I can tell when my health is in decline, and I can also tell that things have been bad for a long time.

MY mother was one of those parents where if your knee wasn't bent backwards or you weren't throwing up blood, you were just a wimp. So I've never been diagnosed with anything. Ever. Nor have I ever had any injuries of mine treated.

What's worrying me now is my chronic cough. I've always had it. Some days I would just not breath so much because I couldn't. When I ran the mile, I always got bad times because of the pain I'd experience in my lungs. It's been this way ever since I was young, and since my mom always just said 'you're being a wimp', or 'quit being dramatic', nothing ever got done about it. The only reason my sister was ever diagnosed with asthma was because we were with my grandmother(who is a nurse) when she had an attack, and she was rushed off to the ER when she was about 5.

Well I've had two instances where I've ended up on stretchers. One of which my mom made a halfhearted attempt to find out what was wrong(even though she didn't bother coming to get me when my band director called and said that I was lying passed out in a tent), and the other time when I was in Savannah and tried to go to the SCAD clinic, but they turned ma away and told me that I should have made an appointment cuz it's appointment only after like, 11am.

Anyway, today has been a fairly similar day to that, though by this point, I suppose I've had it beaten into my head that I shouldn't tell people about my ailments cuz they'll just call me a wimp and tell me to walk it off, so yeah. In addition to stuttering today when I got under stress, I had another asthma attack that I had to fight through because there were still lots of customers in drive through and only two people working, the other one being busy with front counter.

So when I managed to get home thanks to the weather being forgiving and my window being down, but I couldn't keep it up when I got home.

I imagine my grandparents were pissed at me and thought I was napping. For a little while it might have been, but I took to my bed this afternoon. I don't have an inhaler, any insurance, or anything like that. Are there over-the-counter inhalers? Or do I need a prescription? How much would it cost for a prescription?

Because I really, really hate this, and I'm pretty worried that something is going to happen and I'm just not going to make it one of these days. At the least I managed to avoid doing much around the house once I got home this way, but I'm really miserable when I don't do things during the day.

I'm really sorry to everyone who talks to me and expects me to be online. I've been flaky lately, but hopefully soon I can get something to at least regulate my breathing so I'm not suffocating myself. At the very least though, other than my usual feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and the worry that I'm slowly killing myself, I'm emotionally a bit better. Been taking Vitamin D and standing in the window at Dunkin's so maybe it'll help, I dunno.

Sometimes I wish people wouldn't laugh at me so I could stop laughing at myself when I don't mean it anymore.

No no, not me taking commissions about dreams or anything, I'm just wondering... if you had like, thousands of dollars to spare, what artist would you commission and what would you commission them for?

Just wondering cuz I know I REALLY want art from ... Not that I know what I'd want, but it got me thinking about what would be my ultimate ideal of a commission. Honestly, I like to commission artists who have styles that would portray a certain character the way I envision them, like how I commissioned  kristal for something of Nicoli(that turned out amazing and has been my AIM icon ever since) and oven @ y!g for a picture of Vitya(which turned into an amazing couple of sketch pages, *u*)

I also really like artists that, when I give them a character, they can and will and ENJOY embellishing upon things, because honestly a lot of the time when I draw designs of stuff, they don't have the intricate details they had in my head.

Anyway, what do you like? Who would you be willing to drop hundreds of dollars to get a pic from? What would you get? Would you rather they put their imagination into it, or just make a better version of your own art? How do you decide what to commission from any given artist?

What is this anyway? Ugh.

Do not know if nightmare or noooot.

So it started out like most of my normal dreams/nightmares except this time it was a really big party and it was tiki themed and I wanted to leave A LOT more than I usually do.

I was there with my family, and I hated itttt and was trying to convince them to leave by scaring the SHIT out of them and voicing my opinion as I usually do. My sister MIGHT have been there, but I think it was mostly just me and my parents.

Oh, and I never really saw my body till later when I transformed, so I'm guessing I was male the entire time, but we'll get to that part later. This is a long story. Get comfortable.

So I'm trying to leave the party anyway. It doesn't occur to me for awhile that my car is not here so I can't leave, I'm just trying to leave anyway. But the problem is that the party is in this crazy beach compound thing where there's a beach and water and stuff and it's all fenced in by GIANT WOODEN TIKI FENCES. So I have to go through the building. The party is crammed everywhere though. So many people. It's so strange. The building is like wandering a small high school with tiny halls and sometimes carpet and it is more residential-looking. Anyway, I come across a group of kids that all want to goddamn leave this shitty tiki party.

So I tells them... I tells them I gots my car and we can go once we find an exit.

Once I tell them that and they look all hopeful, I remember that my car isn't there, then I am sad, but don't say anything and they get up and GO. Either way, I still have to leave. No physical reason, but a sense of urgency is creeping up on me. (This is when it turns kind of nightmarish, and it's not helped by the fact that these symptoms are often the result of a demon attack, which yes I believe in cuz I've seen demons before) Either way, I start looking more frantically, and come across a nondescript lady that I don't remember the face of, but she was scrambling by some bookcases with puzzle pieces that were foretelling of a plot to murder her. I, being the gentleman I am, put my dumb ass on the line for this stranger.

So shit starts getting freaky looking for more puzzle pieces. It doesn't go for long, and I end up in this bungalow-type place and I get attacked by Mr. Murderer Guy. I'm in between windows and a dining table fighting this guy, since I pull out a tiny knife and just go nuts. I don't stop even when his skin turns gray and his eyes go black and he becomes some sort of demon-type thing, and I'm not even phased when two more show up. I get NO injuries. And I end up killing the three demon guys.

Time skip! Yeah, there totes is one. I turned into one of those demon things and I'm living in an attic type room, just doing as I usually do, watchin TV and shit before Jeff(my terrible stepdad that I hate) knocks on my door and hands me something that I forget what it was and just asks that I keep down the bumping in the night so that peeps can sleep. I say "Fuck you I'm a ghost" and shut the door and continue on my business, watching the television again, where the news has some shit about the demon king and queen dying in a terrible accident of some sort and the footage shows of me and that lady as those grey skinned demons in a candy red convertible sports car with some other demon bros and then some sort of fight ensues and shit blows up. I laugh. "Good times", I says.

Anyway, now I'm dead, but my gal is still my wife and somehow we procreate and I'm left home to warm the eggs though I AM A DEMON KING GHOST THING WAT

Then I woke up and was like... "WTF no more pie before bed"

HAVE YOU HEARD HAVE YOU HEARD HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS?!

If you get that reference...

Anyway. Going to work tomorrow at noon. Yeah, I got that job. So easy. B) Now to make some MONEY. Save up and go see ERRYBUDDY.

Shit son, you have no idea. I'm gonna be all over the country. I need to meet some of you awesome guys offline where I can touch you, but I won't touch most of you cuz I'm not that kind of guy.

I'm going to sleep. Waking up early isn't my strong suit.

SO UH

My computer ate my commission progress. :I

THANK GOD the lines are traditional, but coloring starts over again, and the designs have been set back. I am really very sorry. >.< I am trying to catch up, but lately I have also been job-hunting a whole lot.

The good news is that I have an interview tomorrow at Dunkin Donuts, and I've worked at another Dunkin's before, so I'll probably get it since they are hiring. It'll be nice to have a steady job again, and it'll mean less depression and more me doing the art that has been paid for.

Thank you for all of your patience, everyone. ;u;