Good thing I'm not wicked, I guess e.e I have been having a hard time sleeping lately, been falling asleep halfway through the days for maybe 15 minutes a piece, I dunno. Stressing about my cat, stressing over Taco's memory, stressing because my father had contacted me after not hearing from him for 11 years, stressing from meeting family I never knew existed, stressing without a job and stressing without a plan. Too much stress. I am weary.

But I got some good news. Brought my cat to the vet, got her two doses of the meds for my kitty's URI, which the vet said was extremely mild and wasn't something I needed to worry about. They got her a blood test and gave her her first distemper vaccine, and other than a mild case of ear mites, she is healthy. I also got meds for the ear mites. So we're in good shape, and perhaps I can sleep tonight. I would really like a good night's sleep. ;P

When it rains...

Alright. So, let's not panic. *deep breaths* I know kitties can die because of upper respiratory infections, but she won't.

*sigh* I hadn't really took much note of her random sneezes at first(cuz they were very few and very far between, and could easily be explained by sniffing in dust or something), but last night I noticed her trembling. Nothing as simple as shivering, like she was cold, but like, some real trembling.

So, I called a vet, got an appointment and they told me the earliest they could get me in was Aug. 4th.

But that is stupid, so I got my pepe(grandpa) to call them and make it better. Which he did, and now the appointment is for July 20th.

But after Taco, I'm not gonna take any chances. Up here in Maine, people close their stuff early, so I have to wait till tomorrow morning to call another vet, but I'm gonna. I think she'll be okay, but she must be awfully miserable today. She's stuck by my side more than usual, and often falls asleep by my side if I stop moving for a second. Imma let her rest, but the good news is that she gets up to use the litterbox and eat and drink, so she isn't REALLY miserable. XP

I'M AN OLD PERSON AND HAVE NEVER DONE ART IN MY LIFE AND DON'T KNOW ANY CAREER ARTISTS, BUT YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB WITH YOUR DRAWING STYLE, YOU ONLY DRAW THE SAME THING, WHY DON'T YOU DRAW PONIES AND FAIRIES AND DRAW FOR HALLMARK OR DISNEY OR SOMETHING

Actually, I've been meaning to do features on artists i love for awhile. I will get to that, but for now, I think you should hit up  empiredog

Not just cuz I like the art and they don't seem to have many watchers, but also because they are offering requests, and we all know how much people like free art. XP

Naw but really, check it out. I'm gonna gather my thoughts later and feature a bunch of really awesome-ass people, so yeah. XD

Also, I'd like to thank everyone lately for all of the support and all of the new watchers for watching me. I don't go around thanking people on their pages, but let me assure you that I do look at your page and check out your stuff, and I appreciate all the love, bros.

Update on Kitten Little there. Her name is officially Khana Hope Wolfe, though I keep wanting to caller her Zatanna for whatever reason e.e

But her unofficial name is Stupid.

It suits her the best :> Though I also call her Little Shadow, cuz she's stuck on me, following behind me, sleeping with me, that sort of stuff.

She is definitely a bengal though, with her crazy attitude and tendency to play with ANYTHING. Also, she is not afraid of the much larger older cat we have, not really paying her any mind when the older cat hisses.

She's a little ball of energy, and I'm happy I could have her. She's a happy, healthy, bengal cat. Hopefully I'll get a camera at some point and get some pics on here. <3

So.

I got another one.

Not from the humane society, but I got another kitten. Dunno how to react because she was more or less dumped on me. For a good reason, but still, it's a bit much.

She is claimed to be 12 weeks. She looks older, but who am I to judge? I don't know her like that. :I Anyway, the owners that had her couldn't handle her and were going to break her neck and kill her, if I heard correctly, so here she is, at least getting a chance with me, of all people. e.e

Now, as soon as I saw her, I knew WHY she was hard to handle. She is a bengal, which in non-cat-person-speak translates to stripedy crazy little fuck, but I've had two before(at once), so I will probably manage.

Thing is, I don't have a name for her, I've just been calling her 'little girl', or 'little one' or 'cat' or general fluffy-related words, probably demeaning, like fluffy mcnutters and such. Anyone got some good ideas for her? I'm going for short, yet original. Or at least not Socks :I

I'm having... a really hard time.

I had hoped things would get easier living here. And monetarily, it is.

But today, my grandmother compared me being transgender to me being a killer. I had told her "If they are happy, then it is what is best for them, and it should make others happy to know that", and she said "If someone is killing people, what should it matter if it makes them happy"

I tried to explain saying that 'I am not hurting anyone by being myself", and she responded that yes, I was. I am hurting her and pepe and my mom and my dad.

I can't seem to stop crying since I've gotten here. I think it's time for some good news. :( Please... Anything right now.

Feeling really sad, kinda want to die. Can't really bring myself to type it up again, but thought the animal-lovers of FA might want to know.

Check it out: http://mavuface.livejournal.com/1799.html

I hate myself. There was nothing I could do but I still hate myself. Sorry if it sounds like a cry for attention or something, I just feel like... the people around me didn't care as much as I did, and didn't even feel as though they comforted me. The only ones who did were my friends who live far as hell away.

I needed to get this out.

Alright. After long last, it is time for my trip. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Maine, and my computer is turning off now for the night. And for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be back tomorrow night! Wish me luck!

...Like I can do anything.

My biggest obstacle is nothing to me. I can confront my enemies.

I don't think I'll go into detail here, but for those of you who watch my livejournal... The recent events have made me realize that I will NOT become a doormat. No one will tell me what to do.


To those that don't... it's an interesting read, maybe pick it up if you want to watch me slowly go crazy. ;P

Anyone up for a quick trade or two? Art/design... w/e? I'm struggling with a design I'm working on and it's frustrating me to no end, so I'd rather just do a few trades for now. ;P

Maybe I'll take three? I don't want to get awfully busy with art, what with the me still having to pack up for my move, but a little bit of something to occupy my mind and hand.

PS:  linkaton-furaito, we're still on, I'm just still waiting for your reffy. :> Still no rush or anything, just wantcha to know I'm still gonna do it fo sho.

EDIT: I gots three on my plate for now, but will probably be open again soonish, loves <3 Ciao~

Yeah. It was a joke at first, but now I'm thinking it has a nice ring to it.... after joking for about a month or two now e.e Lucrecia being my middle name is weird and nerdy, but myeeeh, I like the namem and since Lucifer might be pushing too many buttons, I will probs go with that because shut up, I am a nerd :I

Anyway, feel free to call me Vince now, cuz it's cemented, but Mavu is still totally cool, since it's all... my username. XD Also what I am used to.

Again. Moving to Maine this time. Hopefully it doesn't depress me too much x.x

Currently, my Fursona, or Main OC is: An African Wild Dog(Nicola). But, I'm giving you the power to choose for me, because I'm curious what people identify me with!

Please let me know the reasons why you chose the new Fursona for me. Is it because it matches my personality? How I look? How I act?

Copy and paste this into your own journal with the headline "I'm a _____, but..." to see what people would say of you.



Just bored and curious, as per usual. It's just for funzies, so like, say whatever. XD

Pics found heeere: http://mavuface.livejournal.com/1237.html

Shitty webcam pics even! They turned out sooo nice

Thank you for you patience so far. I haven't had a day off in a very long time, and I'm burned out, but I plan on trying to finish everything on my next two days off, FRI/SAT

Hnnnng

I hate Art blocks. Always with the 'not drawing anything that looks good'. It's not even that I don't want to draw, which I think makes it more upsetting. The fact that I AM drawing and that nothing comes out looking any way that would make me want to finish it x.x

I think I'm going to try and keep my journals up on this site more about art and stuff than my life. :P I am getting close to beginning a very important transition in my life, and while it's nice to have information out there, I like to keep things slightly organized.

I started an LJ that will include pictures and all sorts of TMI. I have made it public, and will send it to you in a note if you ask for it... not that it'd be terribly difficult to guess, but STILL. I'll send a link and everything if you wanna see stuff and hear more in-depth things about my life :>

Otherwise, I love people here, and I don't mind if all you want to see from me is art! There will definitely be that!

My financial woes shall be a thing of the past!

For the past few years, Wachovia/Wells Fargo associates have been hounding me to pay back my $30,000 loan for schooling. To a school I never got to finish because they would not renew my loan. AFTER NOT FINISHING my schooling, I am forced to live on credit cards for six months while I scrambled for work, and then I made just barely to make rent.

When I finally got to actually negotiate with them, the lowest payment they accepted was $350 per month. On top of my $200 rent, and on a fast food, minimum wage, not ever working full-time paycheck, it was too much to handle, and remains to be so.

But the only reason I agreed to pay them anything when they were being so difficult was because my grandpa cosigned for me, and they said they could take his house since he owns it.

Apparently he doesn't own it, and they can't touch his social security, meaning the only shit they'd get from suing me would be a shit ton more debt for having to hire a lawyer. Can't get blood from a rock, especially when that rock starts cashing checks instead of depositing them ;D

Also, I heard they were nasty to my grandmother, so they get one more chance. One more chance to negotiate with me. It will be all or nothing, take it or leave it. This shit is ridiculous and they should be happy my ass is paying anything with the shit pay I get. I can barely afford to live, nevermind run my car, pay my rent, go to the chiropractor, and all of the various little expenses life tosses at me. I will not be smothered into homelessness and unemployment by some giant bank with more money than I could ever dream of having just because they're missing some pocket change.

ALSO, for any of you who knew... which none of you did because I was bottling my feelings inside and hiding like I usually do, my pepe(my grandfather) is the only person I look up to in my family, and he and his wife are my closest relatives(not distance or blood-relation-wise, but as in close to my heart) and recently I had heard some bad news about my pepe. I was very worried that he was in the last stretch of his life, but when I talked to him today, he sounded great! I was so happy ;n; Even after my 12 hours of work today.

All in all, a good day, and now for a good sleep to end it all with.

More recently, I've been thinking about something important that I've forgotten... names! 'o' I am going to need to rename myself, but I really have no connections to any names in particular, and I dislike my given name and the fact that changing it to the masculine would be my father's name, so yeah.

Anyone got some good male names that would sound good with the last name Vidal(vee-DAHL)? I need a first and middle, since my middle is MARIE *sob* both too effeminate AND extremely common. I don't know anything else, and any suggestion would be helpful ;o;

I'm gonna need to learn to get used to it some time soonish, so I might as well work on figuring it out, no?

It's time for another 4am journal from Mavu. This is another one in my 'trial and tribulations of being a not very good FtM transgender' series. Warning, TMI might ensue. I don't know, but it might, so yeah.

It's sort of rough on me, being part of  ftmb, since they more often than anyone, remind me of all of the more successful men than me, when I haven't even taken the very first step, unless you count coming to the realization that this is what ha just s always felt 'off' about me as the first step. I dress like a woman, walk like a woman, talk like a woman, while acting like a man and making an attempt to look sort of more 'masculine'.

Which just makes me come off as a butch. Not that I have anything wrong with butches, other than the fact that if they have a body type like me, they get hit on by men just the same. And I don't like straight men. I just don't. Generally I find that they disgust me in their mannerisms, and the thought of being with them the way that they would want to just drives home the fact.

I want to go to clubs where I could meet people, or meet people online or something, because honestly, I'm coming into the point in my life where I'd prefer NOT to be FOREVER ALONE. It doesn't even have to do with the sex that much, just having someone around to play the girlfriend or something would be nice. Someone who would be there for me, treat me with respect, be someone I can confide in and just be around would be nice, and while I have my friend Tsuki, she isn't someone I can really... I dunno... touch. I like kissing and hugging and just sort of leaning on people, but for one, she's into ACTUAL men *sobs v.v*, and for two, she isn't particularly okay with touching anyway.

I just constantly feel lonely. I'm used to having so many friends. I don't mind not being in a relationship when I have a large group of friends to hang out with whenever I'm off work, but lately, it's just been Tsuki half of the time and the other half I'm locked in my room, staring at the computer screen or the ceiling. :P

I miss having bunches of friends and opportunities to go out to places where it's fairly likely I'll meet people of my age group with my sorts of tastes. This place seems so sterile and full of older people :C I miss Savannah, and I miss Portland.

In other news, I might get a new job(Yay? It's Dunkin Donuts. More fast food type bullshit), and I bought FF Dissidia Duodecim today, so I'm kind of in an okay mood. But then all these stupid thoughts kept happening. :I

HNNNNNG

They were my favorite books as a kid. Or at least very close to favorite. I want to find them again. Do some tabby sparrow art stuff or something with the little black on who only said MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

/nostalgia


Really, I need to stop doing things that hippies do. I'm one tye-die t-shirt and long hair and uh... lots of violent tendencies away from being one. Also one VW van away. If only... I want so ba- OH GOD.

*puts on clothes and stops burning incense* Thank god my glasses are regular. Aw shit, I already have long hippie skirts with bells and peace signs on them v.v

I blame my Pepe. He is an awesome hippie.

...

I wonder if I'll wear my hippie skirts after I become a man for realsies. Things to ponder. Anyway, going to bed. Or maybe going to play more Castle Crashers/Castlevania/Dot Hack/I don't even know.

If you've noticed(I doubt you have), I do not do the 'moping' much. I don't have time for that bullshit, I have to conquer a country within the next fourteen years and I don't even have a house. Time is better spent working my ass off and making people love me, which I also do well. ;D

ANYWAY, it's become increasingly obvious that the vast majority of people in the world simply do not know how to life thusly. I mean happily. And by no means am I in the clear or anything. With a $30,000 loan sucking about $350 from me every month, crippling my bank account, the only person in my family I truly love's health spiraling down the drain fast enough to make my head spin, and no permanent home, one would expect me to be highly stressed. Distraught even. Honestly, my life isn't all that great. I still stay up and toss and turn at night because I am 90% certain that I'll never be the right gender, which I don't know how many people have thought that, but imagine waking up one morning in a different body, one you don't find extremely attractive or anything(but not really ugly), and in a different place(not some amazing fantasy-type place), where you've never been before, with no semblance of returning. That's sort of what it feels like.

Back to my point. So many people complain of 'depression' or 'lack of energy' or something, and I don't know... The chemical imbalance of depression isn't caused by you being fucked up. It's caused by you not stimulating the correct chemicals creation with bad diet, lack of exercise and lack of sunlight. Yes, sunlight. Believe it or not, I'm only 21, yet I know that the evil ball of light that you hiss and spit at from your shadows provides you with a vital source of vitamin D along with a few other things. All you need is about half an hour of sunlight with %40 of your skin exposed a day, and Sunny D doesn't give that to you. It's sunlight, real orange juice, or no deal.

And I hate to sound like some sort of health freak, but all of your diet sodas and your fake sugar bullshit? It's killing you. You'll get a stroke with that shit, because it's all sorts of chemicals made to taste sweet. Regular white sugar is waaaay better for you. And regular soda? Yeah, it's bad, but it's like this... Diet and a stroke or regular and high blood pressure. It's up to you. Or you could drink water and juice. I dunno. I'm just sayin'.

I don't eat organic or anything like that(even though it is a good idea, I'm scared shitless to try that 'not so processed' stuff, since I'm used to my evil processed foods), and like HELL do I eat healthy(Hello booze and cookies~), but I'm just saying. JUST. SAYING. I'm happy as hell, even in my shitty position, even though I worry, and all I do is not give in to those stupid fad diets and get my ass outside every now and then. Even sitting around and playing your DS outside is good for you, goddamn.

The biggest killer though, is sitting around and letting your doctor pump you full of meds, especially things for lowering cholesterol. Did you know there is good and 'bad' cholesterol, and that you need both for your brain to function? Also that there are different types of Omega fish oils and that you need to take them in a 4 to 1 ratio for them to do you any good? Also that counting calories doesn't help unless you are taking in good food. It doesn't matter that those egg rolls are only 5 calories, they are deep fried and made of all sorts of toxic preservatives.

Anyway, this isn't aimed at anyone in particular, and yes, the things I've said I HAVE, in fact, researched.

I know most of you don't give a fuck, but hell, I would like for everyone to at least have a little of this knowledge, and maybe then people might actually figure things out and give up their tiny little things, and if it helps just one person to stave off depression, then I'll be happy. Even if they never tell me it happens, I will simply hope it does.

Thanks for sitting with me in this rant. Now go on and get back to your unhealthy lifestyles of tv dinners in front of the computer. :I

Am I furry enough yet? I'm using a meme with those furry terms in it that I'd never actually use.
Got it from  psychotropic

'That nameless bastard with the teeth' reference----> http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3687668/
Thinking about doing a new reference, but I'm lazy as HELL.

1. How did you discover my fursona?
2. What was your first impression of my fursona?
3. What are traits about my fursona that you adore?
4. What don't you like about my fursona?
5. How can I improve my fursona's appearance?
6. Would you say my fursona is unique, plain and ordinary, or unoriginal?
7. Do you think my fursona is well-known and/or easily recognizable?
8. Do you think my fursona is attractive, adorable, or ugly?
9. Would you want to see more adult art involving my fursona?
10. Would you say my fursona is yiffable(y'know, sexy and shit) or just good for cuddles and hugs?


Now, so that this journal isn't completely useless and full of memes, I will venture out onto a limb and ask for more opinions. I'm working on making references for some of my characters, but I'm lazy(as stated previously), and I dunno which ones to do. Any ones you'd like to see in particular?

Cuz I have them girlybits.

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Yes

2. Do you sleep with socks on?
I kick them off every night :>

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
Depends if they'll let me cuddle~

4. Do you enjoy drama?
Nah.

5. Are you a girly-girl?
Oh hell no

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
...? I don't really hug, but I get hugged?

7. Small or large purse?
I carry a tiny backpack.

8. Are you short?
Yes. Shut up.

9. Do you like somebody?
I like everyone ._.

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
If you consider me a boy, then yes.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Nnnnot really.

12. Do you think you’re conceited?
Oh yes.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
Indeed.

14. Are you double jointed?
In my shoulders

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In a chair at work, I think. Or in the middle of band class, propping my head up by holding my instrument in my mouth

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
Thank god no.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
Probably

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Collins? Nah, but I probably do.

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
Probably a lot, considering I don't consider myself a girl, so all of my male watcher will be confused.

[ ] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried in a movie theater.
[ ] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[ ] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG (Who?)
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I like death/grind/black metal. (sometimes)
[ ] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[ ] I like country.
[ ] I carry a purse.
[x] I'd be lost without my computer.
[x] I own a Spice Girls CD. (I was 10, give me a break.)
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I own a boy band CD. (I got it at like McDonalds or something)
[x] I get bored watching football.
[x] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[ ] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a bad influence
[x] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.


Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?
tan

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Both? I guess dark. I dunno.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
Always.

4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Nothing, I want women right now.

5. Do you have a best friend?
Oh my yes. More than one even.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
I don't think so.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Do sex changes count?

8. Do you like your life?
It could be worse.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
lol I don't think so

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
OBNcem I think

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Girls, I think.

13. How long have you had a facebook?
A couple years.

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Slapped, punched, kicked. Yes, kicked.

15. What are your biggest fears?
Drowning, I guess.

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
A couple times

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
I guess so, but it seems so long ago.

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Humans are actually genetically predisposed to cheat, so yes. Everyone does it or has an urge to, everyone is 'always a cheater'. This knowledge helps me not be so damn jealous.

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
Always.

20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
Constantly

21. Are you currently missing someone?
I MISS  lochi and  zombee-puppy ;o;

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:

Cowboy or Gangster?
Oh my. Gangsters any day. Actually anything BUT a cowboy is good

Preppy or Punk?
Moar piercings plox, Punk

Face or Body?
Bodeh

Good cook or take you out a lot?
Be a good cook, since I want you to be a woman for me.

Sweet or sexy?
Sexy. I am a horny bastard, shut up.

Armani or Abercrombie?
Those both sound like preppy bullshit to me.

Contacts or glasses?
Glasses, unless they are cool green or blue or other vibrantly colored contacts.