So the two animations are finished. I'll put off work on my other furry stuff for a while, so's I can work on school and portfolio stuff.

In the mean time, please comment on this journal or on my submissions! Let me know what you would like to see more of, or what I need to improve on.

Eight quarters down, two more to go before I graduate, and I've got a very low-quality portfolio, even by this college's standards. It's more important to me, than ever before, that I learn how to animate well in 2D and 3D. Drawing and rendering is also important, but I hope I can learn that while I animate as well.

Since good animation takes a long time to make, expect updates to be even slower than they already are, unless I post some silly sketches from my off time. On the other hand, I HAVE been feeling unusually productive lately, so maybe updates will be more frequent. I know I've got one or two animated TFs in the works, and they are serving as useful testbeds for more personal animations, so stick around. Things are about to get interesting.

Not givin' up

I'm not making a lot of furry art nowadays. I'm focused on school, on non-furry art, and on Flash games. Not much room for furry indulgence anymore. Still, I try to comment every now and then. Favorite artwork sometimes. Whenever I get really, really bored, I make another adjustment to the 10 furry pieces that aren't yet completed.

Seeing as how this account never updates, one would wonder why I'm making another account called rimme. That is because I don't like max the man born in '87. May both of our accounts (but hopefully mainly Rimme's) flourish in the coming years.

Sometimes I drift in and out of checking my account.

I'm not worried about my output right now. It's more important for me that I'm practicing art and build up my projects gradually than to finish things all at once.

It feels like every art style in the world is as difficult as each other. Cell-shading, realistic, caricature, psychedelic, nouveau, collage, impressionistic...

Even when I make the simplest sketch, I wonder... is this too amateurish? Is there not enough expertise in it?

Sometimes I feel like being furry somehow discredits my desire to be an artist, because that's what every other furry is doing. But this is an art site, so obviously...

I'm tired. This is my brain on tired.

Okay, back to making art.

Though I should probably finish those sandwiches first.

So MFF came and went. I had a time. I don't know if I enjoyed it or not, if I learned anything or not, if I found out more about myself or not, if this all meant anything. It's probably best not to think about it, and just do something.

Before I even registered for MFF, one of my fears was that I'd spend my time at MFF alone. I almost avoided that, by going to the LAFF coffees and bowlings. In the end, I have always have conversations with myself. That way, I don't hear myself speak, and I never offend anyone. Sad, but true.

At least I got a great anatomy book. I've already started studying from it. I've just gotta make something now.

In the meanwhile, I've got two days before Thanksgiving break comes forward.

I cannot wait until I'm old enough to drink. I imagine being drunk is a little like being sleepy, plus being stupider and breath that smells like hand sanitizer. Which would still be awesome.

Uncle Kage and 2 are amazing. Seriously. Even Conan has his bad jokes; these guys never miss a beat. And they do it all improv. Best talent in the furry business, ladies and gentlemen.

Around noon today, I was planning on starting this entry off with "Welcome back to MMWAL, also known as 'MaxMan Whines About Life'!" Maybe, if I don't have friends to talk to, I either invent imaginary friends, and meet with them in my car rides; or I start making a lot more comics about myself. Incidentally, I'm getting tired of comics, and am switching to more other things, like studies and much longer paintings and school projects, so I'll stick to imaginary friends.

But hey, you guys can be my imaginary friends! Only you can throw real insults at me!

MFF is going smoothly. The fursuit parade was amazing. I cannot imagine the total sum spent on all those suits. There must have been 200 suits passing by!

One unfortunate thing about today: I had class today. Good news: it's a short class, only an hour long. A drive to and from is another hour. Easy time, easy money.

Phew, I am T. I. Are. EeDee. Tuckered out. Tomorrow is Sunday. One day. Fun day. Done day.

Something is clearly wrong with me. I'm not having fun at MFF.

This is the thing I'd been waiting weeks for, the thing everyone was going to, and just a few days ago I was so excited and so glad that I didn't pass on this opportunity. Today I've been miserable most of the time.

At first, I thought I was just being too uptight and shy. I just need to hang loose and live freely. So I put on my nametag and walked around and thought, "I'm so cool (relatively). I fit right in. I'm an awesome furry." After an hour, I was back to being moody.

I can think of quite a few reasons why all my negativity didn't melt away. First, being around furries is like smelling flowers. They're sweet and beautiful at first, but after a while, you get desensitized to it. Deep down, you know, the furries are just ordinary dudes in pajama outfits. Even that girl who wore nothing but a chain bikini and leather boots was incredibly boring, and that's a dangerous sign right there.

Second, you know what Jung said about a shadow representing our deepest fears? My shadow is the fear that someone will recognize me, I'll be unable to defend myself, and my future will go to hell. I don't obsessively worry about it, but it follows me, and weighs me down.

Third, no one else seems to have this problem. Perhaps they're hiding it like me. But everyone I see is having a good time. I ran into one of my college buddies in the dealer's den, who was surprised to see me at a furry con. He said he felt right at home being surrounded by furry. There was this other girl who told me, straight out, she was attracted to furries. We didn't meet each other again today. The point remains, everyone's cool. And I'm not.

Fourth, I'm tired. I don't feel like talking to anyone. And nobody feels like talking to me. Maybe I don't express my frustration hard enough. There's a very intangible line between 'I want your attention' and 'I need your attention'. Whatever. I'm not talking to anyone about this. Everyone is too busy having a good time, remember?

I said I was mostly miserable. That's because Kage and 2 are so FUCKING HILARIOUS. I'm so glad my admission did not go totally to waste. Hot damn, if I'm going to regret $40 spending now.

Oh yeah, I bought an anatomy and a DVD from  flinters my biggest fan. Except we didn't actually meet, I just gave my money to his cashier, and watched him with his big sketchbook. You know what they say, it's not the size of the sketchbook...

Okay, 2 days to go. Let's hope a good night's sleep fixes everything.

I went, nearly got lost, watched a movie, ran into two friends from LAFF, and picked up my registration gear.

That was it.

MFF is a lot less exciting than people make it out to be. I expected firecrackers with every footstep. I feel a little betrayed.

And the movie sucked. If only I'd gotten out of class earlier, I could've watched Blues Brothers. Now THAT looked like an interesting movie.

Oh well, I'll report more stuff tomorrow. That's when the real party starts!

Where are you staying?:
At my apartment. It's only a short drive over there. (HOORAY!)

What day are you getting there?:
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday

How long are you going?:
The whole damn thing

Who will you be with?:
Oh, I dunno. LAFF might organize a meetup, and  benjisama501 might be there, but I'll be leaving on my own.

What is your gender?:
Male

How old are you?:
20

How tall are you?:
I think the last time I measured, I was 5'9"

What suits will you have?:
I'm too broke for fursuits. I'll just wear a sweater and jeans.

Can I touch you?:
Not unless we go to dinner and a movie and a drive over to my place afterward

Can I talk to you?:
Yes, please, definitely talk to me. You will recognize me, of course, yeah?

Can I take pictures with you?
Give me your camera, and I'll take pictures of all

Are you nice?:
Yes.

Can I stalk you?:
This is a very interesting question. Not sure how to answer it.

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
Sure. I won't be 21 for a month and a half, but no one has to know that ;)

Can I hug or snuggle you?:
I remember being hugged by a furry once in a dream. I found it strangely exhilarating... Just do whatever.

Do you do trades?:
Absolutely.

Do you have an artist table?:
Maybe in two more years.

Do you like parties?:
Give me the time and place, and I'll find out!

What should I not do around you?:
Please do not not do anything that you would not not not do to anyone you would not know. Capiche?

If I see you, how should I get your attention?:
You could juggle flaming swords. Or a tap on the shoulder would suffice.

I'm trying to submit something, but I keep getting a 500 internal server error.

Well, it's not a very good piece, but still.

So, coffee hour with the Laffers. First it was just me and another guy, sitting where we thought everyone would be sitting. But that isn't the exciting part.

At 8:00, we left for dinner, like every week. This week, Red Robin was our choice. I asked one of the guys how to get to Red Robin. I do not remember exactly what he said; if I did, I might not have gone through what happened next. But I remembered four key phrases: "Golf Road", "turn left", "mall", and "on the right".

Golf Road is just to the north of the coffee shop. So I drove onto Golf and turned right. D'oh! I thought, I was supposed to go left! So I turned around and headed west. After a few blocks down, I thought, wait, there isn't a mall down here. I turned left into a residential section of the town, where the road began to twist and turn around a school. As I drove through the labyrinthine roads, searching for a major intersection, it first occurred to me that I might be lost.

After 15 minutes, I managed to find a road and get my bearings, and I started running through my list of malls in the area. Perhaps he meant that mall with the big clock, next to the library. I headed down that way. Huh, no Red Robin here. Oh, that's because it's actually the Town Square.

Okay, maybe he meant the mall right across from the coffee shop. Not likely, but worth a shot. Into the mall I go. No Red Robin.

Suddenly it hit me. Of course! Woodfield Mall! Specifically, that mall I pass every day on my way to school. I never look around there! Let's go!

I drove into Woodfield (called Woodfield Green), pumped and excited. But no Red Robin. Then it hit me again. Of course! He must have meant that other Woodfield Mall; the one next to the interstate. Off I went again. I started wondering if the world was just toying with me.

I parked in the middle of the Woodfield mall, which is called Streets of Woodfield. I hurried to the directory, and searched the cuisine section. No Red Robin. What, really? I checked again. No Red Robin.

Back in my car. I didn't know any other malls. Well, I guess I'll just have to trust those directions I got, and go left (that is, west) on Golf Road, and look for a mall on my right.

Down on Golf Street I went. Past the coffee shop. Past the road I turned off on earlier. I headed past the major roads, and into the forest preserve. How far could this mall be, exactly? I switched between normal headlights and the high beams, praying that I wouldn't hit any deer. I wondered if I'm leaving the city limits. I wondered if I could just keep driving into the countryside. Finally, I turned into a small housing block, and turned around. It was now 9:30.

All the while, I kept wishing I had a phone number for someone. Except I'm not the wishing-for-things-it's-too-late-to-get type, so I just cursed myself for not asking for one. Except I barely knew everyone, and it seemed too early to ask for phone numbers, so it really wasn't my fault. So instead, I drove away in a foul, irritated mood, unable to think of anyone to take the blame.

I drove home and looked up the spot on Google Maps. Turns out, the Red Robin was next to the school, in that big empty vacant lot that never crossed my mind as even resembling a mall. I hurried back to the car and to the Red Robin. Even if it was too late to meet the guys for dinner, maybe, maybe I could still catch them as they were leaving.

I went to the mall, or more accurately, the really huge parking lot with a building in it. I figured this place was just some rundown part of town. Which side of the parking lot was it on? I went down one way, and then down the other.

Suddenly, crammed in the corner of this building, with an even tinier red sign above it, I see it! Red Robin! Sweet Jesus! Thank God! I made it! And it's only 10:00!

The store is closed. A group of people are inside, but they're an unfamiliar group. There's no one from LAFF around. I sulk at my car for a few minutes, before leaving for home.

Well, at least that money I would've spent on food won't go to waste; it can spend it on gas.

Well, that was quite a night.

It's hard joining any new group. You can't be too wacky, or you'll be a glory-monger. You can't be too quiet, or no one will notice you. The best strategy, I guess, is to latch onto a specific group of people, and start asking and answering questions. The hard part is being about to recall the right pop culture, and to use it as soon as you think of it.

I met a lot of people. A LOT. Several faces, few names. The only names I know, I got from the bowling alley screens. Hoagiebot, cimarron, ashes, and paw were my teammates. Two lanes away were the attention-winning fursuiters. Woody, Perro, kodi (the best, IMO), ravid, and sonya (only person not wearing a fursuit). I'll see if I can find an FA page for them.

I took a few pictures on my cell phone. I'll see if any are good, and I'll upload them. Photography never did any harm to an artist's gallery.

Journals are meant to be updated. Are they meant to be read? That's the real question.

I, for one, need to practice on mental focus. My dreams will remain just that unless I stick to a schedule of work.

I tend to discredit any kind of advice that simultaneously uses the words "energy" and "waves". To imagine, however, a motivation as a huge wave of energy, and advising me to ride the motivational wave -- it's a very apt and very useful metaphor.

It is, indeed, difficult to mature. In some ways, I don't want to mature. I don't want to lose that part of myself that I've grown up with. I don't want to lose the life I've lived.

But in other ways, I do want to mature. I want to accomplish things. I want to make art. I want to inspire people. I want to get my ideas out into the world. I want to live through other people.

Which is more common: fear or laziness? Are they really that different? I don't think laziness comes out of the same fear that comes about while standing on a ledge on a cliff. It's not a fear that stays in your mind like a sack of wet paper. It's like a snake, or a vapor, spinning your thoughts around towards something else.

Like this journal. I have no time for this.

And as I say it, excuses spin round and round. But I say it again: I have no time for this.

Riding the waves. Surf's up!

I need to find a method of working so that, when I stop working for some reason, I won't feel too tired to start working again.

Today I'm pouring over the page of  dogbomb. Yes, the guy being featured in the banner, universally acclaimed amongst seemingly all furries for his benevolence, good nature, and an entertaining selection of stories and photos.

After a few entertaining chuckles, I start to wonder what is going on. As a seeker of friendship and -- I admit it -- recognition, I am keenly interested in what makes a guy popular.

Basically, he's a humanitarian. Well, a caninetarian. He gives a lot of money to ASPCA and dog shelters, and volunteers much of his time to other people. He loves fursuiting and giving hugs and smiles to other people. So I guess people just spread his name around for being a fun guy.

I don't think I'll ever be as popular as him. I am being hesitant, however, in saying that my art is more important than my popularity. Because both are currently so low as to reach levels of "who cares?" But I guess I'll have to roll with it, keep making friends, keep making art, and remember, always, ALWAYS remember when to be serious and when to be silly.

Perhaps I need friends who peer review my projects before I submit them online.

But right now, the only person who reviews my stuff is my tomorrow self.

It'd be nice if I could just be him to review my work, and come back to the present to work on it.

But I guess they're like negative numbers; if you only take the positive numbers, and throw away the negative numbers, you end up polluting the world with negative numbers.

So, I guess I'll just move on to another project.

In case anyone out there who is at least mildly interested in my activity, I've been picking up the pace ever since school let out for the semester on Friday. Alas, I sometimes believe that my secret furry work is more important than my schoolwork. Neither pan out well.

Whoa! You can optimize this tablet!

I can open up the properties, and set up each button on my tablet to do something, like the brush tool, or an undo button.

And hey! For Flash, I can change the wheel to scrub through the timeline, or add and remove frames, or add in keyframes.

This can speed things up tremendously. With my hands always on the tablet, I can keep focused on my work instead of...

...um, making journals like this one...