I've finally decided to post everything I'd like to share on one unified account going forward. That goes for both my general artwork and my SFW padded/littlefur content. If you're still interested in watching me, please follow the link below.


 WoodpeckerToons

To anyone who may be disappointed by this decision, please understand it's been a long time coming. Maintaining multiple accounts across various art and social media platforms has drained me of both my time and any executive function I can muster. I can tell you from personal experience it's exhausting, especially when you still experience rejection from some people for the things you enjoy anyway. I'm not going to live my life around such people. From now on, I'm going to indulge in the things that make me happy in one unified space.

To anyone who decides to watch my new account, I appreciate your continued support! Thank you for sticking around.

Hey, everyone. I just want to thank you all for the comments that were left on my previous journal. I do read them all and I absolutely appreciate them, even if I can't respond to them all.

So, recently I found out that someone I considered a friend decided they no longer want to associate with me because I draw content that's considered ABDL, even though 1.) I keep it in a separate account, and 2.) it's not meant to be ABDL. It's only ABDL by association. I draw little diaper-clad toons in scenarios you would find in a Saturday morning cartoon. The artwork is completely vanilla and SFW, yet it feels like I keep getting lumped in with the hardcore kinkster crowd simply because I include diapers as an accessory on some of my characters. I don't think that's fair.

I honestly don't think I should've even had to create a separate account for my toon littlefur artwork. I just did it because some people get incredibly touchy towards anything that could be considered even remotely ABDL, and I wanted to be accommodating for them. But nope! Even THAT accommodation isn't enough. Because I draw babyfur-adjacent stuff for a side account, by golly I must be a bad person on principle! I'm being treated like some kind of ogre for drawing stuff my generation grew up with in the 1990's. To be offended by anything I draw is like being offended by Baby Looney Tunes.

I've grown tired of being accommodating. I keep walking the same delicate tightrope for the comfort of other people, and they still find a reason to penalize me anyway. Why bother being discreet for them? Why bother being discreet for them when they've already determined I'm a subhuman creature merely for liking something? It's not like these people care about my comfort anyway. Oh sure, drawing acts of extreme violence and cruelty is fine and dandy, but how dare I include diapers on toon animals designed to wear them! Have I no shame!

Anyway, I've made a consolidation account. I'm going to be posting both my general stuff and my toon littlefur stuff there because I'm tired of holding back my restraints for people who don't care anyway. I'll advertise it when I ready to, but until then, here's some context. I thought the furry fandom was more welcoming than this, but I guess I assumed wrong.

To tell everyone the truth, I don't feel I've been doing that well socially. I've resorted to lackadaisical shitposting on Twitter and on here because even when I put in the effort to make others happy and foster meaningful relationships, it hardly ever goes anywhere. I draw and try my best to be supportive of others, and yet all it takes is for me to fall slightly out of line to lose the same people I tried being supportive of. I'm on the verge of giving up.

Before I potentially deactivate this account and just move on with my life, does anyone reading this have anything to say to me? I'd appreciate any affirmation at this point. I just want to know if anything I did in this fandom ever mattered to anyone, or if I just wasted my time.

(Edit: Changed the title because I'm really not in the mood for Mario jokes. My sense of humor is a little compromised right now.)

I love their beaks

I'm glad we had this talk

So, a few things.

I requested a vacation instead of quitting my job. It's going to be from Septembeber 24th to the 30th. I will use that time to take commissions and see if I can make my weekly pay off of that. I haven't had a vacation in the two years I've been working in the kitchen, so I'm excited to actually get some substantial time off, for once.

I also discovered that I never had medical insurance this whole time. Because I'm part-time. Working in a kitchen. At a hospital. So on top of working during a pandemic, I'm also working during a pandemic without insurance. So that's lovely. Totally doesn't add to my anxiety at all. Definitely doesn't make me want to look for another job as soon as possible. I don't know why I didn't just consider that option. I mean it's going to be a challenge in today's economic climate, but I can try at least.

On top of everything, I've just been feeling demoralized. I'm too emotionally spent to maintain the relationships I've formed with others in this community, yet I feel lonely. I want to keep trying, but all I can do is take to Twitter, occasionally post artwork and quips, and just watch the numbers go up. Numbers are nice and all, but it's not a substitute for personal connections. Everything that's happened in 2020 has caused almost everyone to socially withdraw, and I don't blame them.

I'm a toon. I always want to make others smile and laugh. It's always demoralizing when you try to make others happy, and yet there's little to no sign you've succeeded or left a particularly positive impact on others. I see the number of likes/favorites go up, and I appreciate the compliments my artwork gets, but I'd like to think I'm more than just an art machine. I'd like to think my personality and sense of humor are part of what draws folks in. If I knew for sure I've left a positive impact on someone, I'd feel a lot more motivated right now. That would leave a positive impact on me, anyway.

So I'm two years and one month into my current job as of posting this journal. I've been working in the same hospital kitchen since July 2018, and I've done my best to hang in there while still trying to make time for art on the occasion I still have the energy to. Now tell me that I'm not alone in this, but I didn't go into 2020 expecting a global pandemic to happen. I also didn't expect that more hours would be appended to my shifts because the higher-ups didn't expect the plague to happen either. Now they're having me work practically full-time hours instead of the part-time hours I was originally suppose to work when I got hired. During a pandemic.

Anyway I'm considering quitting my job. Both ends of my candlestick are burnt and I need relief. Almost everyday of my week has been characterized by anxiety over catching COVID, and exhaustion from my hours at work. I just can't do this anymore. I'm on the verge of putting in my two weeks, but not before I let everyone else know what's been going on.

I do have a plan out of this, but I'm honestly not 100% sure it's going to work. I'd rather start focusing on artwork full-time. Just become a commission artist, maybe even start a Patreon somewhere down the line. I also still have some really elaborate goals with my OCs, Tina in particular. I really want to have something to show for these goals instead of just talking about them, but believe me what I say I have big plans. These plans potentially involve the creation of a media franchise, but again, I'd rather have something to show first than just talk about it.

If you're still watching me, I'd like to know your thoughts. Also don't hesitate to message me about this if you feel concerned enough to. I might need to quit my job for the sake of my mental health, and even my physical health while we're still living under this pandemic. I do have a backup plan, and I'm aware of the risks, but there's also risks involved working at my current job. What should I do?

(EDIT: I removed mention of my disability because someone might read more into it than I intended. Sorry 'bout that.)

I wish I could respond to every comment, but just know I do read them and appreciate them. It means a lot that many of you read these journals and want to share your thoughts with me. I lost a few watchers probably due to the previous journals, but I guess that's okay. I was just rambling about stuff that's only important to me anyway. There are more important things happening in the world right now, so I understand why anyone would feel a little put off.

As for the crux of my very subjective concerns, I personally feel there's a general lack of art or fictional media that puts more of an emphasis on bird cuteness. It's stuff I've focused on for years, so it's nice to talk about it whenever I'm afforded the opportunity to. I'd love nothing more than to make a comic or cartoon or game that could remedy that, but my job and other real-life obligations eat away at my time and energy. I've actually been overworked at my job lately, so please forgive me if I've been a little less lucid lately. My psyche is just frazzled from how overexerted I am.

What does give me a little bit of that energy back is talking about this stuff. I know this is the third journal I've made about this lately, I just need something to take my mind off of the fatigue I'm feeling. It's a nice mental break for me. I especially love talking about any plans I have for my characters. What keeps me going is the hope that I'll see my characters in something big, something that showcases the appeal of birds the same way a lot of mammal-centric media does. It's my lifelong goal.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. I'll put a lid on these journals for the time being, I just wanted to let you all know I appreciate you.

It appears not many people read my journal from yesterday. That's fine, I don't blame them, it was kinda long-winded. I'll try to keep this one brief.

I won't sugarcoat it, it hasn't been all too easy being a bird in the furry community. It's been a better time for us birds lately, but I still feel we have a ways to go. If you want an example, we're still the subject to a lot of vore "tastes like chicken" jokes even when we don't consent to it. Some bird furries can roll with it, but I was honestly never that comfortable with it myself. I chose to be a cute attractive bird because I wanted to feel cute and attractive. I didn't want to be the butt of jokes, or have fox and coyote furries threaten to eat me. I get that I'm expected to roll with it, and I do roll with it, it's just not the reaction I wanted for my bird characters.

Maybe the deeper issue is I'm more of a top when others expect me to be a bottom. I've always resonated more with the "top energy" woodpeckers have. Despite my mild-mannered disposition, I've always been more of a dom than a sub. I'd love to be in an environment where I can have that sense of power and dominion, but I also don't wish to harm anyone or make them uncomfortable.

I always feel uneasy when I see birds in cartoons and video games on the receiving end of verbal and slapstick abuse because I'm afraid others will mistakenly think that's what I would want. I feel concerned that others expect my characters to fall in line with that precedent because it happens so frequently. It's even affected how others interact with me. Some people see me and sometimes the response I get is, "Hey look, a nice juicy bird! Better pull out the fork and knife, har har!" I've learned to roll with it, but again, it's not the reaction I wanted.

Anyway, thanks for reading all of this. I hope this journal wasn't too long like the last one. I'm really just trying to articulate my thoughts. Maybe I'm expressing these concerns because I don't often receive the affection I wanted as an adorable toon bird. If anyone could prescribe a solution, I'd love to hear it.

It's hard to believe it's been a full year since Banjo-Kazooie made it into Smash. That reveal trailer last year was probably the most hype-inducing game announcement I've witnessed in a long time. It was just so deeply gratifying to see Banjo and Kazooie in something new for the first time in almost a decade. I firmly believe that they should've been in Smash since the beginning, but obviously business politics involving Microsoft got in the way of that.

At the same time, that reveal came with a couple monkey's paw curses. For one, now that Banjo-Kazooie is in Smash, there's hardly any character left I can realistically root for to be in Smash. Any characters that could get the same reaction out of me have little to no chance of ever appearing in Smash (i.e. Sparkster), and any other characters left I'm only rooting for because it would make other people happy. As unlikely as Banjo-Kazooie was, it was only unlikely due to business politics, not due to lack of fan demand. If anything, the fan demand was so incredibly vocal that it was simply a matter of time before Nintendo and Microsoft could come to an agreement. I don't see that same fan demand for any characters left that would send me into hype overload the same way.

As for the other monkey's paw curse? Well, this one's more personal to me, but there was always something about Banjo and Kazooie's dynamic that felt rather off-putting to me. If you know me, and I'm assuming you do, I really like birds. Kazooie was one of my earliest bird crushes as a kid, and even back then I was never a fan of how she was constantly relegated to be the butt of jokes and Banjo's slapstick foil. It always made me feel uneasy to see a character I felt so infatuated with be on the receiving end of so much abuse, even if Kazooie is admittedly an abrasive character herself.

I know I'm being too sensitive, but seeing Banjo perform the Breegull Bash in that reveal trailer brought back some of those uncomfortable feelings. It didn't help that tons of fan art and memes were made of Banjo slamming Kazooie into the ground while the world laughed. It was everywhere on social media. The initial burst of happiness I felt from the reveal trailer suddenly turned damp. I went to a Japanese steakhouse with my family later that day, and the only thought I could muster while there was, "I need to bring back Tina and Pattycake."

I remembered why I created Tina. She's a Kazooie that would never be anyone's second fiddle or slapstick foil. Tina is 100% dominant. I know people love to bring up the same out-of-context Tooie screenshot that somehow confirms Kazooie's a masochist, but that still adds to the precedent that birds must always be slapstick abuse fodder for other characters. I've honestly grown weary of that precedent, so I created Tina and Pattycake to subvert it.

Has it made me happier? Actually, yeah! There's still a lot I'd like to do with Tina and Pattycake, but I'm at least glad I got the wheels rolling. I dream of getting to a place where I can make a comic or even a 3D platformer involving their slapstick antics, but real life obligations have currently put a delay on that. Still, I have the Banjo-Kazooie Smash reveal last year to thank for giving me the motivation to bring back my own bird and mammal slapstick duo. Maybe someday the world will cheer for them too.

I dunno. I'd post another TL;DR spiel about my progress over the past year, but I already did that last week.

Heya. It's not often I make a journal here. It's good to see ya again.

So, my birthday (June 6) is in a week. A lot happened in June of last year. I turned 30, Banjo-Kazooie was revealed for Smash Ultimate, and I got myself a new sona in Toothpick. I'm aware a lot of people miss Meezoo, and while it was never my plan to retire him indefinitely, I have to make my happiness and self-worth a priority. It was so nice to finally go through with becoming this hot woodpecker boy and pairing myself up with Tina, a decision that lead to a lot of self-love.

But, and there's always a but, I'm honestly not sure what direction to take Toothpick in. Tina and "Pancake" (before he was Pattycake) were already considered an item long before Toothpick came along, and I get the feeling a lot of people miss that pairing. I'm not gonna lie, I've always found bird-mammal pairings very endearing. Banjo and Kazooie served as an inspiration for Tina and Pattycake, only I wanted their dynamic to be in reverse. Being someone with my taste in characters, I wanted to create a duo where the cute bird girl is the main protagonist and her dopey mammal partner is the second fiddle. Seeing Banjo-Kazooie revealed for Smash, then watching Banjo use Kazooie as a weapon while the world cheered... well, it made me want to bring back my own bird and mammal slapstick duo.

I've been hard at work ever since. Over the past year, I've drawn and commissioned loads of Tina and Pattycake art, stuff I haven't shared on this account. If you're curious where to find that stuff, I made another account specifically for it. I still have a lot of ideas I wish to explore with this duo, but now I'm wondering where Toothpick would fit into the picture. I wanted to create a self-insert to get myself more involved in Tina's antics, but often times it feels like I made myself the Poochie to Tina and Pattycake's Itchy and Scratchy. It's a feeling I'd like to rid myself of, but I'm not yet sure what solution to go with. I could...

1.) Make Toothpick his own main character, separate from Tina and Pattycake. I'm just one guy, and to draw and commission artwork of a trio is a lot of work for just one guy, plus anyone I would commission. The problem with this solution is I would no longer be a part of Tina and Pattycake's unit, and I would feel kinda left out. On the bright side, Toothpick would no longer be just Tina sidekick #2 and instead be a character that could weave in and out of Tina's antics while doing his own thing.

or...

2.) Get rid of Toothpick and just make Pattycake my new sona. To tell you the truth, there was a point when I considered making Pattycake my sona, even back when I was still Meezoo. Remember that picture of Fox Meezoo? That was me dabbling in the idea. I've always wanted to be with someone like Tina, and becoming her cute small fox partner would've cemented my relationship with her in the eyes of those who love that pairing. The downside is I would no longer be a bird in a fandom that is already densely populated with foxes. I just couldn't go through with it.

I'm more inclined to keep Toothpick around, but I have doubts I'll be able to include him that much when Tina and Pattycake are the duo my audience came for. Maybe I just need to give Toothpick more time to shine, maybe change his dynamic with Tina to be a bit more slapstick-heavy. I'm always open for suggestions, but I also just wanted to reflect on my goals this past year now that I'm turning 31 in a week. I wonder how far we'll go over the coming year.

Earlier this month, I set up an account where I would host all of the Tina artwork I've drawn, commissioned, or received as freebies over the years. I'm making this journal so there's no doubt that I'm the one who made that account. If you want to see more Tina art, feel free to click the icon below!

 TinaFanClub

Thoughts on a whole decade? That's a lot to unload. Where do you even start?

I know most users would rather not read a big wall of text outlining my subjective 2010's experience, so I'll condense it to the best of my ability. I feel a made enough progress. Sort of. I did a lot of things in the 2010's that I honestly should have spent the 2000's doing. I spent my teen years in the 2000's lamenting over the direction the world was heading in while barely doing anything to change my own life.

The 2010's was different.

I moved to Lake Mary, took up drawing, made a FurAffinity account, repurposed a penguin OC I created in 2009 to become my fursona, and then a whole lot of stuff happened. My entry into the furry fandom as Meezoo led to a lot of friendships that would profoundly shape my 2010's experience in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends that taught me by example how to become a better person. Even the toxic friendships I was a part of, I still gained some valuable insight from them too. I'm still growing, but that's living. The ability to be patient with yourself is probably the most valuable thing I gained from all of this.

Simultaneously, I still feel I could've left a more meaningful impact on those around me. Being brutally honest with myself here, I still seek validation, and I'm still relying on external things to achieve that feeling. The only instance I felt it this year was when I got all of that Tina fan art on Twitter back in October. I don't live life expecting that to happen often, so I was incredibly grateful when it did happen. Truly, the highlight of my 2019! It communicated to me that others love my character design and retro toony aesthetic enough that I was indeed making an impact after all. I can't thank everyone who participated in that enough.

Outside of my art and characters, I'm aware I've actually become less social since around 2017. A series of events from 2015 to 2017 happened that led to me becoming more reclusive. I'm just not as social as I use to be simply because I don't want to get hurt again. There are still people I talk to, but only those I really trust. My new life as an introvert has led to a lot of introspection and, subsequently, self-improvement. I changed. I became Toothpick.

Now? I'm just a lone agent, drifting in and out of whatever friend circle I find myself in. No longer a major part of anyone's circle of friends, I'm left with no other recourse but to curate for myself a space I could belong in. I suppose I'm okay with that, I just wish I had worked towards it sooner. I'm still thankful for the friendships I got to enjoy this decade. Old friends, new friends, friends that drifted away, even the few friends that became my enemies. I gained something of value from all of them. I grew towards becoming the person I'm going to be in the 2020's.

So much for "condensing" my thoughts, haha! Thanks for reading all of this, whoever got this far. I have major plans for the next decade. I plan to make more art, more characters, and then, build a cohesive lore-driven world around them! We haven't even scratched the surface of what I have planned. I'm going into this decade with a newly strengthened resolve to make my dreams a reality.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Guess who's struggling with feelings of inadequacy again due his dependence on social media for external validation? This guy!

I'm half-kidding, everything's okay. I really just want an excuse to talk to you guys. To be real truthful-like with you all, I don't have any idea how others in this community perceive me. Maybe I shouldn't care (I really shouldn't) but I don't exist in a vacuum and, ultimately, I'm still a social creature. I'm at my most happiest when I can walk away from a social situation feeling good about it. I'm glad people enjoy my art, but what's more important to me is that others enjoy me as a person too. That's why I tend to feel a little despondent when I get ignored or when others unfollow me for expressing how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm only good as an art machine, and that makes me feel less motivated to remain active in this community.

I'm sorry that was kind of a downer note, so I'll just end it by saying you all mean a lot to me. I just wish I knew how much I mean to others too.

Now that it's November, we have two months left of this year and also this decade. It was around June that I introduced Toothpick, and it was September when I actually went through with it and made him my fursona. My handle is still Meezoo everywhere, but if I can stay Toothpick until the end of the year, I might just change my handle to Toothpick everywhere I'm still active. I've honestly had more fun being Toothpick in the past three months I've had him as my sona than I ever did as Meezoo in the past three or four years I was him. I now have representing me a character I can be every bit as rugged, brooding and laid-back as I actually am in real life. I also get to be Tina's significant other! It's a liberating feeling.

It hasn't been all peaches and cream though. I've poured so much of my energy into doing Tina and Toothpick justice that I'm feeling burnt out, and I've hardly done most of the things I want to do with them. I've been doing a lot of behind-the-scenes world building for these rascally toon birds, but my job keeps getting in the way of me fully realizing that vision. The only good thing to come out of my hours at work is I've been able to commission other artists to draw my characters. I just wish I had more time at home to focus on my own creative pursuits.

On top of that, I'm honestly not sure many people appreciate my presence unless I have artwork to share. My experience on Twitter lately has made me feel like it's not my personality that people follow me for, it's for whenever I post art. I lose followers for sharing opinions, or I get glossed over in Twitter threads, or just generally feel irrelevant unless I'm posting art. That puts a big damper on me. It's made me feel like some sort of organ grinder monkey and less like an actual person.

Anyway, I've made some big changes this year. If I can remain Toothpick well into New Year's Day, that will be my handle going forward. I can only hope that pans out.

I want to plug my friend  DuckyDeathly because I feel she deserves more attention. She has a very endearing cartoon style on top of having a very kind personality. Here are a couple examples of work she's done for me!

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/25686198/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/33179399/

I personally find her style super adorable and also really refreshing. If you can, take some time to look through her gallery.

I want to apologize to anyone who took the time to read last night's journal and wanted to respond before I deleted it. I felt like I was ultimately complaining about a first-world problem I can't do anything about anyway. I'd love to see public opinion on bird characters change for the better, but it's hard when media representation of them does nothing to influence that. They're often written as jerks or relegated to slapstick fodder for other characters, and it makes me wonder if it's because most people don't find them cute or appealing enough to be anything else. It's made me wonder what others think of my OCs. It's been such a slow process trying to get my OCs to take off in a meaningful way that it's made me feel really discouraged behind the scenes.

If you didn't see last night's journal, you can just ignore this one. Or don't. It doesn't matter, really.

This isn't meant to be a vent journal or anything, nor do I plan on going anywhere. It's more so a genuine reflection of my place in this fandom. The support I've been receiving lately means a lot to me, so I wouldn't say that my friends and supporters aren't doing enough. I read everyone's comments, and I wish I could respond to them all. If anything, I often feel the impetus is on me to foster and maintain friendships, and maybe I'm the one who's not doing enough. It can get challenging for an introvert such as myself, especially when I seem to only get really talkative when it's a subject I feel passionate about.

This is likely the reason why I often times feel alone in my ambitions. I have a passion for character design, and I highly gravitate towards vintage cartoon styles. There are other people in this fandom that do too... and they also happen to be shy introverts. I don't wish to force friendships with any of them, so all I can do is favorite their stuff and leave them a comment every now and then. I wish I could find more people that share my affinity for cute toon stuff, but even when I do find them, they're either too popular to easily approach, or they're just shy, or both.

I do have a handful of close friendships that were forged out of kindness, but the conversations I have with them tend to feel a bit one-sided. I also have a lot of casual friends that never become more than casual friends, and all I can do is just listlessly drift from friend circle to friend circle. Maybe I'll find one that I belong in, but part of me doubts it.

Apologies in advance for posting one of these journals. I've just been experiencing the sinking feeling that maybe my past decisions have limited my potential as an artist. I've been trying for years to be the best artist and person I can be, but most of the time when I do anything, it either goes under the radar or gets very little traction. It's left me wondering if I did something wrong. It's probably just my anxiety speaking, but my inner voice can only give me so much confidence and self-validation before an additional voice suddenly butts in and whispers, "Then why are you still so behind?"

I personally feel I've made progress with my art. I've discovered new ways to improve the quality of my works and I'm excited to do more! The problem is it's way too easy to get caught up in metrics. You post a piece you're proud of, only for it to get a handful of favorites and... that's it. You find your audience doesn't grow and you're still in the exact same position you were in before. You tell yourself not to get discouraged and that you're not in it for popularity anyway, but it's still sort of an isolating feeling. Even if you're not in it for popularity, you still have a desire to feel important to others, and you try to accomplish that by drawing and hoping your works catch on.

I don't wish to burden anyone with this heaviness though. Nobody is obligated to come to my rescue and make me feel important, and I wouldn't want it that way. I do need encouragement, but truthfully I feel better just talking it out. Thanks for listening, by the way. Hopefully things will turn out better for all of us.

I don't often make these journals, but it's annual thing I post a least one per birthday.

So, yeah, so I turn 30 today. I don't feel much different than I did in my 20's, so that's a plus. I was able to achieve most of the milestones that are expected of people in their 20's, although I admit, it now feels like I'm playing catch-up. It wasn't until I was 20 that I created Meezoo, and it wasn't until I was 23 that I introduced him to the internet and went on this personal and artistic journey. It wasn't until I was 26 that I became interested in romance, then found out I'm demi at age 27. This all feels like stuff I should've experienced as a teenager, not someone in their late 20's, but I guess better late than never.

It also feels like I should be a lot further vocationally. I spent the first half of my 20's struggling with an anxiety disorder that made it hard to keep a job for very long. It wasn't until just last year that I landed a job I've been able to keep for eleven months as of this journal. Truthfully though, I'd like to become a commission artist, or even try my hand at entering the creative industry someday. I'd love to get involved with a cartoon or video game at some point in my life, but I struggle just finishing and releasing personal art. It's not due to lack of motivation, it's a combination of my job, plus the personality and appeal of my sketches tends to get lost when I ink them. Since I only feel comfortable releasing "finished" artwork (that being artwork that is inked, colored and shaded) my output tends to get barren at times.

That's where I am now. Right now I'm just focused on getting ahead in my art life. I hope I can find a solution to my inking problem, but I've been at that for years and still haven't found a good workaround. I posted a picture last night, then removed it because I wasn't happy with the linework. I'll see to it that I resolve that issue before I turn 31.

First of all, I want to thank everyone who reached out. Your input is highly appreciated and I don't want anyone to think I'm ignoring it. It's actually helped me feel better, so thank you all. I can't ask for better supporters.

So here's my plan for right now. I have options regarding what communities I can join or rejoin. Whichever option I choose, I will stick with that one community until I know for sure whether it will work out or not. That way I'm not spreading myself too thin like before. I have a job, and I can't work a job and maintain an active presence in multiple online communities, so I will stick with just one until I can get a feel for it. If it doesn't work out, I will simply move on to the next one. It's nothing personal, it's just that time is a limited resource for the working class. That's just how it be.

Unfortunately, I'm also artistically spent. It's hard to be creative when you feel overwhelmed, so I'm just going to take this time to recuperate, refill my creative juices and, while I'm at it, look for other artists to commission. I'm looking for any art friends who would draw their character hugging Meezoo because I'm totally in the mood for that right now. While a part of me feels like I'm just paying for affection, I also don't live life expecting gift art because I strongly believe artists should always be compensated. I'd know, I'm an artist myself. I can only hope I can find someone cuddly enough for the job.

As of this journal, I've had this kitchen job at the local hospital for the past six months, but unfortunately it feels like nothing has actually changed. As a PRN employee, my work schedule has been so inconsistent and, quite frankly, energy draining that I've barely had time for art or streams or any of the things I planned to do. Any extra money I earned went towards 1.) buying my internet service back after it was disconnected during my unemployment, 2.) a new PC so I could actually do the things I had been planning to do such as art and game streams, 3.) a copy of Clip Studio Paint, and 4.) a bunch of useless video games because they were on sale. My character and I have slowly become (even more) irrelevant over the past six months, but at least I can play Smash Bros. Ultimate now!

This is probably nothing new by now, but I'm feeling a little discouraged. While working at this job, I've spread myself so thin across various friend circles on Discord and Twitch that I've barely had time for any of them. I've tried my best to reach out to others when my work schedule allowed it, but it feels like nobody is reaching out to me in return. I feel forgotten. I can't draw enough art to keep myself relevant in the art community, and I can't socialize enough with everyone to leave a lasting impact on anyone. I'm left wondering who I am to my friends, and I've slowly come to the conclusion that maybe I've always been the disposable one. Yeah sure, people like me enough, but I can be replaced whenever someone better comes along. It's probably the reason why I'm never included in anything these days.


I probably won't even have money for commissions in the near future despite the six months I've worked at this hospital. Even if I had the money, I feel like I'd basically be forking over $50+ for a more popular artist to give me the chance to feel more appreciated by others. This doesn't align with my principles at all, but I'm not gonna lie, it's become very tempting lately. I'd also love to get gift art, yet simultaneously I hate asking for it. I'm really not one to fish for free art. If I wanted free art, I'd just draw it myself... whenever I have the time and stamina left to.

I wish I could become the Meezoo I want to be, but the last six months have left me feeling so tired and emotionally shutdown. Right now I just need someone to talk me through this fatigue. I seriously don't know what to do right now. I guess just knowing someone read through this wall of text is something I'd be genuinely grateful for. I just need reassurance. My only success in recent memory was that TweetFur pic I drew for my fetish Twitter account. It got 400+ likes and a buttload of retweets, but those are just numbers. I need actual peer to peer interaction, a personal relationship between me and my supporters. I'd feel a lot better if I could experience more of that.

A lot has happened since my last journal (the one that I didn't delete) but long story short, I got a new job at my local hospital (food nutrition services assistant) and I work tomorrow as of typing this journal. I also had the privilege of visiting  Gamma064 and  Piptoons in Tennessee for a week. Now that I'm back from Tennessee and it's the night before I start my new job, I have a lot on my mind about my future in the furry fandom, or more specifically, Meezoo's future.

My new job could yield some very exciting things for me and my character. I'll be able to afford better hardware and high-speed internet so I can finally start streaming! I'll be able to stream both art and video games, something I've been wanting to do for a long time! I'll also be able to commission art from artists I've been wanting to commission but couldn't afford to. I plan for there to be a lot of artwork of my characters and I couldn't be more excited about that. I'm finally going to have a more efficient means of building my audience and meeting like-minded people!

At the same time, I'm wondering if it's too little too late. I've been in this fandom since 2013 and, over the course of the last five years, I've had many incidents. I admit that some of those incidents were due to my own misconduct in the past, but most of it was only a response to people who gave me a difficult time with their misconduct. To be candid, I'm still reeling from some of the things that happened to me from 2015 to 2017, before I made an active effort to weed toxic people out of my life. It's worked out so far! I haven't had any incidents throughout 2018 and I intend to keep it that way. Yes I've become more introverted, but I've had less drama and negativity in my life because of it.

Without the presence of toxicity and toxic people, I can work towards having the positive social life I've always wanted to have. I can attract people who value wholesomeness and cute things, people who practice empathy and also share my ideals. As a matter of fact, I've already attracted such people, and I couldn't be more glad about that!

I've changed a lot over the past few years and I'm hoping the rest of the community sees that. That's why I'm wondering if it's too little too late. I've experienced a number of mishaps as Meezoo, especially from 2015 to 2017, and honestly, it's tempted me to abandon him as my fursona. I don't want to give up just as I'm about to reach the finish line, but I still haven't gotten out of Meezoo what I've been wanting as Meezoo, and so I'm left wondering if I'll ever achieve it as Meezoo.

Apologies for another lengthy journal. I really appreciate that some of you go out of your way to read these, and I don't plan on deleting this one either. I needed to say something, and I trust that my friends and followers will understand where I'm at. I'm excited about the opportunities this new job will grant me, but I'm also hoping it's not too late to do the things I've wanted to do as Meezoo. Thanks for reading.

It's my birthday today, so everyone has to be nice to me today! :V

Joking aside, I turn... 29 today. Huh. That means I'll be 30 in a year. Can time maybe slow down a little, please? It's getting to a point where I'd rather age down. ^v^;

Looking back at my birthday journal from last year, I'd like to think I've made a lot of progress since then. I've grown a bit more comfortable with my art style and I'm no longer seeking validation from others, especially from those who don't share my artistic tastes anyway. I've met other artists who are more stylistically similar to me, and they turned out to be cool people too. A lot happened during my time as a 28-year-old and I'm hoping this year will yield more personal and artistic growth for me.

Thank you all for your continued support!

I have a confession to make. The reason I take so long to finish artwork is because inking takes an inordinately long time for me. I can sketch things no problem, but often times it will take me multiple days just to finish inking a sketch. I attribute this to the fact that I use SAI's default pen which, while looks nice, demands a level of perfection from the user to ensure each line looks perfect. Perhaps it's just my technique, but part of me wonders if the process would be quicker if I used a less demanding pen.

If there's any SAI users reading this, is there a SAI pen you found that made inking easier for you? Did it help significantly? If not, I might consider making the jump to Clip Studio instead.