Things have been going okay-ish for me since my last journal. Though after hearing some news, I'm worried about someone I consider a friend.

Da2p, aka Galen here on FurAffinity, has run into some troubles with his finances and housing. He's got 3 months to pay off his house or sell it, and is really struggling to make ends meet. He's trying to keep above water, but is currently trying to pay off vet bills, which are also in the mix.

If anyone can spare him some help at these links Da2p set up, it would mean the world to me.

Miaozota initiative (to buy the land)
https://www.gofundme.com/f/iniciativa-miaozota

Miaozota's Teaming (to buy food, meds and pay veterinary bills)
https://www.teaming.net/miaozota

Miaozota's Instagram (where you will see the photos of the cats and how it's going the shelter's project)
https://www.instagram.com/miaozota

Thank you.

...Let's go over this one more time:

If you want to approach me with a deal or request to draw the characters I have come up with in my stories, you will follow these three rules:

1: When I say "You need to wait until I have the funds" that means "Wait until I have the godddamn funds."
2: Don't push me or rush me into accepting a deal. I want the details, and a clear layout of how the deal will go.
3: I want proof that you are not a scammer. Either draw me a portion of one of my characters and send me the image as well as your account name on this site so I know you are legit, or no deal.
4: I'm only going to send/receive payments through paypal or venmo. Make sure you have this set up on your end before doing any business with me. I won't go through any other payment apps.

These rules for working with me on anything go into effect immediately. You will not believe all the spam requests I get for people wanting to "make my works come to life" only to try and extort money from me. And it's not just on this site either. I've been harassed on Fanfiction.net, Archive of our own... You would not believe the crazy messages I've been getting as of late. To be blunt, I'm tired of the bullshit.

Also, If you are a scammer thinking of ideas to rip me off and are desperate for money, I'll save you some time with this idea: Go rob a fuckin' bank if you're that desperate.

I should have updated this a while ago, but I need to do it now.

My writing commissions are going to be on hold until summer. College has been busy and hectic lately.

Apologies in advance.

Well, my birthday was recently, and to be blunt: This year was the worst one I've ever had in my life.

Appointments were mixed up, my idiot father wound me up too much with pressure, I nearly lost my new apartment before even moving in because dad screwed up the appointments, and I nearly threw a cake platter at dad the dork because he got a cake with peanuts in it, which I cannot eat because I am severely allergic to peanut products. He didn't even check the label when he got the cake, even though he *knows* he needs to because of that allergy.

To top it all off, the bastard didn't even get candles with the cake. How thoughtful!

Didn't throw the cake at him then. Maybe I will tonight... I don't know. Maybe...

All I know right now is the dark, evil path is oh-so-tempting to take right now.

I've made some updates to Phoenix Coven: Book 1.

Let's just say it was a week of cheese, graters, and many many tacos... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Just kidding, just kidding! Don't look at me like that!

Anyway, I've made a lot of updates with spelling and grammar checks, so it should be easier to read and understand now.

Okay... An explanation for the last journal entry:

I've hit another bump in the road lately. Well, that's an understatement. More like several.

* Sigh * Where to begin... Two of my IRL friends had a fight the other night that came down to physical blows. I didn't know about it until I called. It really upset me.
Second, I'm nervous about school. I've been accepted into a local college, but I'm worried about funding and supplies. I've been applying for grants, but haven't heard back from all of them yet.
Finances are also impacting me. I'm pinching pennies to get by. But then again, aren't we all? Been applying for scholarships, but I have not heard back from all of them yet.
Plus, some people I know have been gloating their political opinions a lot lately. I understand you're happy about the conviction, just please don't tell me about it. I hate politics in general, and I don't take sides with either faction. Honestly, I don't even vote anymore. So if you're planning to tell me about anything political, please don't. I just don't care.

Also, things have not been going well between me and some of my family (again). One of my older sisters is in a craze because one of her kids (and my nephew) had to go to the hospital last month because of an eye infection. The doctor said it was a swollen nerve in the eye. He's doing alright now, he's starting to see color out of that eye again. Sis is still freaked about it, though. I understand, it's her kid and she doesn't want him to hurt, I get it. It has been stressful for the whole family.

So there you go.

Self-explanatory journal entry.

I'm done. Just totally done.

https://youtu.be/0GOrnDSy1bo?si=_MXdTgOtdkpBYXAu

Indigo Children - JLE Dub Mix

January 29th will be the anniversary of the day of my birth.
I hope everything goes well for both me and all of you.

I hope to hear from some of you on that day.
Everyone have a good day, and stay warm! It's cold outside. Well, at least where I am at...

Things have been quiet for me.

I haven't had much time to write a new entry until now. I've been busy with life. Things are still difficult, but I'm getting by.
Hopefully soon, I'll get a new laptop.
Anyways, have a nice day.

I hurt all the time now. Both physically and mentally.
I can't sleep at night. Every night I have that nightmare again.
My days are not much better. I have to go to "classes" from 9am-3pm, classes I cannot miss. The headaches aren't helping.
I think life has hit me with 20-gauge bird-shot. Everything is a mess... I can't even write, the only reason I've been able to post is because I had a backup file for said materials.

Also, my laptop was stolen. And it had all my most recent writing materials on it. So there's that too.

Happy June.

Just to let my followers know, I'm not going to be active for a while. I'm going to need to take some time off. Don't ask why, you won't get an answer if you do.

See you in five years, maybe sooner if things work out.

I haven't been able to write at all for the past couple of weeks. I fire up LibreOffice, and just sit and stare at the screen. Add in the fact that today, I have not been able to find any enjoyment in anything, other than the fact that my sister royally screwed up and is losing her house as a result. She did a lot of things to me over the years that messed me up bad, and it's gotten to the point where I have no sympathy for her, and I'm enjoying every bit of her pain. I say she deserves it. Sue me and cry me an ocean, I don't care.

Another thing that's been going on is that I've become a lot more moody, tired, and withdrawn. I haven't talked to many of the people I usually do on discord and telegram much. There's only one person I really talk to, and I'm not going to mention them out of personal respect and privacy.

Honestly, I haven't felt this much mental fatigue in a long time. I think I've burned myself out for a while.

I've noticed that Galen isn't working on his Mitzakan: Mantle of the Mist comic anymore... I really enjoyed that comic.

Is it because of something I did? Was it because I wrote my Phoenix Coven story? Because I've also noticed a lot of the art with Galen and Egad is gone.

Did I do something wrong? Did I piss someone off?

I wish I knew. I wish someone would tell me...

(Edit: 4/26/2022 - Well, I found out that the art with Galen and Egad is still around, and that I just didn't notice a change in the search engine settings. Also, the comic seems to just be on hold. Phew!)

Something recently happened to me, most of it being my own doing. Now, I'm even more of a mess than I was.

I feel sick to my stomach all the time. I can hardly eat, I can barely sleep... It's getting to the point where I don't even want to go outside.

I'm terrified. Not just of what has happened, but of what could happen in the future.

Most of all, I'm terrified of what I might become.

Do I risk going outside, or do I just keep myself cooped up for my own sanity's sake?

I don't even know if it's worth any of the risk...

This evening, I broke.

Things have been spiraling out of control up to this moment. My Total and Permanent Disability Discharge was denied, I'm still trying to find a new job since I quit AutoZone in November of last year, the student loans are going to resume soon, I still don't have my section 8 voucher, and now I found out I have been backstabbed by my own father IRL. I can't trust strangers. I can't trust the government. I can't trust the police. I can't trust friends. I can't even trust my own family.

I can't trust anyone.

This evening, it reached a critical point.

I got an Uber ride request a few minutes ago. It turns out, I was transporting someone from the Psych Ward of my local hospital to a nearby Crisis Center post-treatment. I don't know if I can believe her or not, but she said that she's a member of the Hell's Angels biker gang. Her name was Jennifer. She tried to start up conversation with me about my day (Which was horrible in every sense) and I started to break down. Thankfully, she was calm, and was even able to calm me down to an extent so I could drive.

After dropping Jennifer off at the Crisis Center, I drove down a few blocks, stopped the car, and started screaming uncontrollably, tears running from my eyes all the while. I tried to get control of it, but I could not stop. I just sat there and screamed. I screamed at the top of my lungs, over and over again. I could not stop it; I could not control it. I just screamed and screamed.

I hope I get my section 8 voucher this coming month. I really need it right now. My desktop computer is still broken, it needs a new processor. I need to figure out how to pay my next car payment, and I also need money for food. I'm considering opening up sketch commissions, even though I don't think I am that good.

I have to be strong. I have no choice but to be strong.

Today is my Birthday. Going into my early mid-thirties as of Midnight in Mountain Standard Time. (UTC -07:00) What a shitstorm. Happy fucking birthday.

Make a Wish, and blow out your candles...

When you're hurt, you're hurt. Right now, I'm hurting.

The pain never really goes away for me, and I've been holding onto a lot of it for a long time in my life.

I don't care what anyone says, and I've already heard the whole speech about "how holding onto it only hurts the one holding onto the pain in the end." I just don't care. I hold onto it because it's all I know how to do. It's my problem, not yours. So, save your sermons for someone who really needs it.

I don't even know why I write these. It's not like anyone reads, them anyway. Maybe it's my way of dealing with it, maybe I just need to get it out. I don't know, I've never really known, and I really don't care anyway.

Well, today shit just hit the fan. I had an incident with one of my fares today. The bastard actually had the nerve to rag on me for how I pulled up into the gas station to pick the fucking sod up. (Not the wisest of decisions from the retard, I might add) Anyway, that spiraled into a confrontation when I told him calmly "Don't talk to me like that," and I canceled the ride.

It ended up with the guy trying to assault me and me nearly running him over with my damn car in response. I think his leg and arm sustained injury.

Anyone else in the local area feel like having the gall to push me over the edge? Well, who know? it's still 5:30, after all. The night is still young.

Well, something very shitty just happened last night while I was running my Uber service. I usually run this service late into the night on weekends, as the bar traffic in the town I live in is very high. I have theories on why this is, one of them being that the fraternities at the local university like to party way too much. I put up with this simply because It's a good way to make some extra money, and because I'm helping in some way to prevent people from driving drunk and causing a catastrophic accident because they had one too many (There have been some gruesome wrecks in my town because of drunk driving)
Anyway, last night it was taken too far. I went to pick up someone at a very popular bar in my town. It was the usual, pull up to the entrance, let the app signal that I was there, wait for them to come out, et Certa. But not even two minutes after I arrive, I hear loud shouting and fleshy impact sounds. I look over and I see a bunch of drunken hipster punks fighting with each other and the pub's security, in which they stumble down the walkway (while STILL fighting) and they slam right into the front fender of my goddamn car! Not only that, but one of the metal buttons on one of the punk's jeans left a gouge mark in my paint! To add insult to injury, I get ragged on for calling the police and filing a report! Seriously?!

So yeah, that's a quick sum-up of how my Saturday went. I'm still pissed off over it, and it's left me crazy mad. The last string has snapped, and all I want to do right now is hurt people. I might just do that tonight, because nothing would make me happier than running over a bunch of punks with my car, then getting out and beating them into a red stain on the sidewalk with my ice scraper.

I'm ready to just watch the shit fly...

Title is self explanatory. I'm having to take a family member, my own father, to court over them violating a contract over a car I put over 1000 dollas into to get fixed (Which in said contract, he said he would help me get fixed and down to the new area I'm living in now, but he still hasn't done it, no surprise since he can't seem to tell the truth and keep his word on anything) and I've just run out of patience. I've finally had it with my current job and quit, since they lied to me about my transfer, inflation is going through the roof and I'm struggling just to get enough to eat, the new apartment I moved into is a dump, family only makes everything worse... I could go on for weeks about everything I've had to deal with in this total cluster-fuck of a year.

To add onto it, I had an argument with my own mother over all this (Who, for some reason, can't seem to stay in touch with the reality of the situation) and to top it all off, she said "You're the most ungrateful person I've ever met!"

I told her "Well, I learned from the best, didn't I?!" After all, she always seems to forget that she, herself, always complains about similar things. All. The. Damn. Fucking. Time.

God, I've had it with my nuclear family. I've had it with their shit. They could all die tomorrow, and I wouldn't shed a tear.

Honestly, I'd most likely end up de-facing their graves if that happened.

Tomorrow, I'm just going to get daddy-o served, show my evidence in court, and watch the shit fly.

First of all, I know the whole "Life is shitty" routine is getting old... But that's just the truth of what I am going through right now. I don't understand why, but I seem to have a Fallout SPECIAL Luck rating of 3 to 1 at times. It sucks.

Also, I am doing everything I can to work through it. I'm in therapy, I'm trying to keep mellow and in control, and I am doing my best to make the most of my situation in a positive way. The main reason why I write these journals in such a negative, pessimistic, and at times "bitchy" manner is just so I can get it out, and not randomly snap at anyone due to built-up pressure.

I don't want to snap at anyone. I just want to, at the least, appear normal IRL.

I just can't seem to get anywhere... That, and I've become so disenchanted with, well... Just about everything, and everyone. I quit my job because my co-workers kept throwing me under the bus, and I'm just disgusted with all aspects of life right now.

I just want to beat the shit out of someone. Hell, I might just do that.

First of all, a moment of silence for those who lost their lives during the September 11th terrorist attacks of 2001.


. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


Okay, I'm writing this as an alert to my followers: I'm taking down a bunch of works temporarily, but I intend to re-upload them asap. This is to correct some spelling and grammar errors that were in the old works that I have caught after upload.

When the works are re-uploaded, it will be done with PostyBirb, as I am doing this not just here, but also on SoFurry.com.

Notice Sent! Good day!

About three weeks ago, an incident transpired that required me to be hospitalized. I am alright, but I am not going to go into details. Just know that I am alive, and I am on the road to recovery.

I have not been able to use my laptop or phone due to this, hence the long time without contact or updates. Again, I am doing well now, and I am ok.

Also, two more chapters on Phoenix Coven were uploaded prior to writing this journal. Check them out if you wish.

All the best,

MVD