Well life has been tipsy turvey good bad better worse just trying to be productive and attempting to save up for a first fur suit again never got the one I paid for 4 years 3 months ago...... Bums me out year of savings gone but that was years ago... So sadly trying to do it again though income is less expenses are more so probably take Alot longer to save up for the next one .... If I can seems like everytime I have a fine saved so.thing happens and I must pay two out.....*sighs*

Well good new I have 62.5 arces of land bad news can't have any utilities on said property unless I develope the full lot of it to be coded for residents. So I took my utility trailer and ever price of material I can and built a camper on it good thing all 62 arces is trees so I got me a wood stove, and been waiting solar lawn lights in series then bridging them to charge 12v(14.4-16) utilising automotive batteries and power inverters just got to figure water and bathrooms lol (ran out of material building outhouse. Nice I getta do anything I want out here but hate it cause I'm out here all to myself :(

Hopefully I'll find work soon and be able to invest in it all though I've not done to bad building everything from the leftovers and scraps of others curbside finds construction leftovers(with permission to take) and Scavenging what I can to guild what I need least I've got running electricity that cost me 0$ in the middle often woods lol

Back to chopping wood to stay warm and sell so I can eat this week finally

Wish I had a fursuit out here I'd be warm that way lol 1 degrees yesterday with a roaring fire I got it to a massive 47 inside lots blankets multiple pants shirts coveralls and triple layer socks...... Fur would be so much better.... :(


Back to work I guess

Well ups and downs mainly downs I know sounds bad buy I don't plan to oh no poor me I'm just gonna explain my absent past present and future

Well start with.... I'm fucked


November was an up

I move back to Topeka which was a down only did that cause my dad got hurt at work and needed help
The plus is I am learning a trade skill and get paid for it and actually am good at it

December was a down

December 16 a drunk driver traveling in excess of 95 (they refuse to give me actual speed) hit the rear of my truck me only traveling 65 mph westbound I-70 he put me into a guard rail causing major damage to my truck which was totaled but drivable, he proceeded to try and speed away 10 miles later his care began to give out due to the overwhelming damage to the front of his car my truck had damage to front passenger and rear I was driving with my fender grinding into my tire at 95 mph to try and catch him as he pulled away I eventually forced him to side of road ran to his car to get his keys he then threw in reverse trying to get away and turn I no into me to try and run me over he tried to go into drive being drunk he hit park auto locks unlocked immediately one paw to his neck squeezing a little more then I should the other to keys and took them they putrid smell of booze from the car and him bellowed out cops got involved parents showed up etc he went away with a due I ended up in hospital with major headaches which I still have today

I now have a 6532 in medical bills that I have to pay for him hitting me... his insurance have informed my lawyer they will settle for much less or I can take them to court (a two year process) if I do that in 30 days from today June 17 the hospital can start up to 60% garnishment. .. i make 244 a week and it's 65-70 in gas alone to to get to and from work ..... yay.... me.... thanks "BRIAN P. BAUER" for ruining my truck, fucking my saving, fucking my holidays and for.fucking me!!!..... so I'm stuck in a hard spot do I take the insult of a settlement pay 70% medical bills and be fucked for.half a year or do I go.to court and get fucked over a year.....

Either way I'm kinda fucked

It gets better I recited another bill for 2297 for x-rays just yesterday on top of the previous 6k..... fuck...

On top of that mu.dad's mom went into the hospital last weekend they accidentally gave her a antibiotic she is alergict(sp) to... she became very I'll very fast went into a coma.... after a week of swelling and internal bleeding they finally gto her to respond barely... in a very unstable condition they have her in icu currently and we are unknowing her survival chances....

I don't know what to do there is absolutely no.way I can afford to go visit her let alone take the chance I miss a single day of work cause of bills.... I've survived barely on 20$ for.food each week sometimes less.... it's been a very depressing last 6 months... so much so.... I've had some thoughts I once promised someone I'd never do or try again ever period.... I'm close to breaking that promise if it simply means all of this negative goes away

I haven't seen a positive light in a whole...
I know a certain husky who is unfortunatly only a close friend anymore has tried to help me.threw this emotionally and I thank him for all the help... but I'm unsure how much longer he can keep me stable and sane....

As I am right now I go to work bust my ass to put gas in my truck so the hospital can take the rest to remain so poor I just go home and stair at the wall.... i try to sleep but then all these worries rush into my head unable to concentrate they scream at me constantly keeping me awake the sunsets most fall asleep I begin to stress and worry what will I do next thing I relisr it's morning sun is rising I haven't slept but I must go to work or I'm Evan more fucked off then I already am....... i drive the 22 mile.drive to work running over it all what will I do what can I do its cause me.to get sick on way in a few times.....


..... i can only dream of the days of past when I once held someone special in my hear and arms and I I. Theirs only for reality to settle in crushing any idea hope? Or thought of such dreams.....

I would cry but I'm so far depressed I can't anymore I just sit in this cloud of darkness my shadow my only companion.. i sigh and go to work


Is there any hope any relief any end of this in sight.....

Those bad thoughts settle in again.....

my grandma past away...
the parts of my "fursuit" (what little i recived of it anyways) literly fell apart in the wash
work has become non-exsistant
sleep becomes a myth
ramen became my only meal
friends seem like fantasy
my room is now a cave
money.... what is that?
companionship.....uhhh down here evan my shadow hides away blending in with the darkness
my mind fills of worry stress and missery
life has a meaning but mine serves no purpose
when i sleep i pray i dont wake
my heart hurts, but the pain ha turned to dull numbness

every inch of my body is soar exhausted and strained i push myself till exhaustion just to help someone in the hopes what i do will help them to avoid feeling like i

everyday a fake smile to hide behind
i dont want this life
i dont like this life
i hate my sistuation
and the world is 1 less a kind soul spreading the burden weighing heavier upon the few who remain


my life and flame have grown dark and dim
nobody to tend to my broken fire
i ramble now to clean my head but all this id true that i said

simply needed this to be put down so more bull shit will float around fiilling my head with dark thoughts
a candle is needed with a bright flame,


all is dark

My friend, my family, my brother, you will forever be missed and the world will forever be a little dim without your light

Love you always brother
Fairwell

Rest in peace
Justin glidewell

26 so young ......


*curls up with a plushie weeping softly*

lay here yet again another restless night.
deep thought dives my mind
lost hope I dream to find
darkness I search for light
mind and soul loses their might
crumble to earth only in age
love may only last a page
nothing will ever truely last
for we all become the past
"duces"
*peace sign w/paw*

As I sit motionless in my dark room I can't help but feel my lonliness like a weight on my shoulder with tiny thorns that dig into my skin as the burden crushes me. Life is not meant to be lived alone. Love was not meant to spill out onto a single, sweat-stained pillow. Hope was never meant to light darkness this deep for this long. Hours pass and I have not moved, but my heart has sank. Is it me? Is it this town? Does it matter? All roads lead to despair, all things move toward their end. Such is enthropy, such is life. All I have are memories, but they only serve to taunt me - remind me of the man I could have been. All I know is shallow friendships and aquaintences. All I know is my pain.

I hide myself from all to see
I smile and wave when you look at me
for outside I shine and do not wine
for inside I am out of my mind
darkness consumes me deep and below
for the pain I hide you will never know.
as you walk away I smile and wave
for u only see the light I gave.....
~myself~

Royce, my little brother....past away
Age: 21

May he finally rest no more pain just peaceful slumber

You will forever be missed and forever be loved


if anyone is good at drawing bears I am looking for someone to help draw a picture, we spread his ashes in a month and if I can afford to drive there I want to have a picture of his sona

but that all depends on if I can afford to drive there's

not posted in a while so here I go, I work a lot and do alot of nothing. my vat is falling apart no matter how much o work on her, truck has blown motor, roommates are behind on rent, I come home to nothing nobody it seems like an endless routine .....I wish someone could come here and save me..... but that's probably never going to happen *sighs* probably be another 2 months before I touch my journals...

supose to leave yesterday for Canada, but my tires were slashed :(


so now Ivan stuck at home and cNt go anywhere so all my plans ruined and my old roommate who I was going to be staying with is mad at me saying its my fault and Yea.....

so now not only doi have a week I can work I have no money and I have 8 bad tires (2 cars) that has to be replaces and one car has cheaper tires at 97$ a tire.

this blows.....

happy birthday me.... *well tomorrow that is*



kinda suck could try and rent a car but that's 250 plus gas plus creditcard all which I don't have :(

fix one cars tires 400$ or more due to taxes

or

nothing.....the only option I can afford....

not updated in a while, it Halloween today kinda sucks debit cards were stolen and still not gotten them so I'm just sitting around the house searching for food and something to do >.=.> it sucks


hope y'all haven a better holiday then I......

body suit got worked on

paycheck was shorted.....allot .....again

in the end of it all once again I sit here I. a chair, pitch black nobody around but me... I am tried but can't sleep want to do thing but tired I just wish I would give up, there nothing on it for me my head know bit my heart just can't understand... sometimes human emotions cause more harm then good...... correction. in my case it seems to always get me hurt or fucked over lol

laying here for a few hours after working am unable to sleep why not I don't understand I'm tired nice clean bed fuzzy warm blanket my fur if I wanted I just can't sleep I toss and turn something is missing and I don't get what nothing has changed not has been removed from my bedding but still i can't sleep wtf.... bleh it sucks... on other news I guess work is kicking me some serious hours and I might be going out of state $$$cha ching that's where the moneys at



but always away from home a new hotel every night the bed cold as the last... just as cold as home so its not to bad

well just another day sitting at hospital moms kemo its going well tired as fuck was unable to sleep much this morning, perhaps tonight I'll sleep probably not probably have to work bleh its money though and I kinda need it, bills to pay mouths to feed right, good news down to 256lbs at one point 23 months ago I was 397 so I've lost like a full person rofl instill feel overweight but whatever

well I guess I shall go back to a lot of nothing lol just posting an update lol

its the last night of this get together, I met cool furs had food went to buffalo wild wings with my furry stuff on along with another dragon it was epic....though....a smile on my face joy in my eyes pain lunges inside, I'm not sure why, I have no reason to feel this way, I should be happy, but I found myself reclusing *sp* to my tent away from them just for a moment I have to break down and cry a little...... I'm not sure really why I feel this way this ache feeling wrong something is wrong inside I'm not whole and it hurts...... ya know might of met a cute wolf or dragon she's not sure yet we played air hockey pool and had fun I think she followed me around a bit as I did her :). but as I end this I leave upon this earth feeling the cold from the air and ground...the warm embrace would be so welcomed Evan for only a night for I know tomorrow we all must Part ways.. tomorrow will come it be fun, for tonight it will be isolated and alone like so many before.....


~sighing softly, curled up in hit tent shivering upon the cold earth trying to sleep~

came home today roommates are gone wtf..... so cleaning it all now




so I have two rooms for rent, cheap rent no utilities


Topeka K's


if interested for details note me!! or yahoo

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3453641/


tailie check it out

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3358086/


check them out could win a reference and of not you can find a good artist to commissions from

well just a update noting special got a new phones spent many check paying bills so about broke two my vehicles are gone one was vandalised so sold four scraps then just out right that rid of investor next to nothing but what to expect for no title but salt truck will need A MOTOR and many Nissan is developing a small oil leak but sitting at208xxx miles that's to be expected but none the less yet another thing i need to shows money on , other then that life is boring u sit at home everyday waiting to be called for work doing nothing sitting alone nothing to do nowhere to go n nobody here too keep me company kinda suck





so i end this sitting in a dark room just hoping for something to do..... or maybe someone to save me......

well i am back in ks and evertyhing just hit me.... someon said they loved me i was so excited.... but they didnt mean to send that message to me.... so i was in tears,..... then i found my mom has breast cancer...... so i not slept..... then i am outta weed..... then somone broke into my truck and stole the radio and a rim jsut one not all four.... and my nissan got its gas stolen..... when it rains it pours.....



and some wonder why i i am starting to not care about anything...

well looks like i gett to travel out of state will keep ya'll updated as much i can but gotta go outta state for 1-4 weeks they dont knwo yet bleh but good money right !

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3279857/


click the link there given one away read for full details total props to them for helpen a fur out!

well i have a job and toni is moved out the house is quiet no more drama its nice.... though everytime i go to work i dont want to come home, i come home to an empty room, bed, and empty life.... i wonder why i keep comming back here.....

want to snag some art short on cash want to help an artist out????



come here then
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3234416/

or
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3234416/



or
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3234416/


or yes evan
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3234416/



the point is go check them out give them a watch i see an aspiring artist here and should check them out for some cool arts

well lookes like this is my last weekend of freedom for a while, glad to have a job but same note not really, it will be good and i will keep it so long as i can :P but a special thanks to a special somone, who made my weekend a good one though it didnt go acording to plan like when does that happen..... but in the end i missed you in my arms more then anything.....



ni ni wish me luck on the job

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