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Tumblr time!
General | Posted 3 years agoSince nobody seems to read my FA journals anyways (hey random reader, you are proving the contrary!) I made a Tumblr. Something something ramblings:
https://miifox.tumblr.com
https://miifox.tumblr.com
IRL carreer and shit and stuff
General | Posted 3 years agoGonna write it here specifically because it's relatively unlikely to affect my future, and I just want a honest opinion from some open-minded folks that might have had more luck than me at life.
Honestly, my carreer path up until now has been seriously depressing. Can you still speak about a carreer if it's been going steep downhill since the very start without ever skipping a beat?
I started school with the vague promise that companies in the IT are unable to keep their employees due to other companies stealing their talent as they are so desired. That 6 figure starters salaries were not unheard of. Of course, sceptic me never believed it, the world does not run like that.
So when I got my first job, I was quite happy with my mildly-above-minimum-wage salary, a good starter salary I thought. Of course, the housing marked being seriously screwed even back then I had a hard time living off of it. But the advantage, it was a rather unique job, we were working in an old villa building websites stealing dumber poor people's money with scammy loans. And we had lots of fun. Yeah, nobody knew what they were doing, we made a mess on a daily basis, but at least at the end of the day I basically builded the whole crappy monolithic architecture of the complete system without going insane even once, whilst my collegues added scammy marketing hooks and vague crapto-crudency implementation lies. I couldn't do that today anymore, idk anymore how I even did that.
But yeah, a system like that does not run on thin air, and whilst we knew what was going on (our salaries were periously late on some occasions, especially dangerous when you are living paycheck to paycheck trying to pay last months rent with this months late-by-3-weeks paycheck). We were still a bit surprised and felt a bit ripped off when the boss came in one day and closed the door.
I had been passively looking at other jobs in the mean time, a basically unfeasable task when, you work overtime on a daily basis, and the nearest affordable apartment being 50km from work, meant that you left at 7h30 and came back at 19h30 on a regular basis. Yeah, one of the reasons I was looking outside was actually this housing situation. But whilst no job was a match for what I was doing right now, the ones that were like "eh, why not" were strangely reluctant to take me, whilst the "eww, cobol" jobs were more than willing to take me. Yeah, I felt the cold draft already, the future did not look bright.
But being left without a job meant that I took the first thing that wasn't unreasonably stinky, rent was due. Which meant going to the other side of the country for what was basically a boring office job with other clerks that were of no help whatsoever. I was seen as the "artsy" type, read chaotic and unorganised, and not in a good way. What didn't help was my collegues were basically unavailable on a technical level, and more than once were I left wondering what the heck to do as everyone was unavailable on a physical level as well. My own mental being was going down as well, probably from being unable to cope with being just a footnote in a project that was unlikely to ever see use.
That, and with it it basically took my skills. I was left staring at bugs unable to fix them for days on end, and as nobody ever was checking on me to see how I was doing it only left me with a sore feeling. After about a year of feeling utterly useless and a burden on a company that wasn't mine, my manager gave me the door, with not a lot of bright future ahead of me.
I then took some months off to recoup from this total mental fuckyard. I moved back to my parents (again being unable to pay rent as well as being creatively bankrupt). I only sorta did some job searching, only picking that up after months of feeling salty about it. When I did find a job it was a work-from-home dealio. The thing is, the motivation was out, the drive was out, and on top of that that job expected me to deliver some pristine work performance which I just couldn't deliver. Worse, I barely had the skills of a minimum wage worker left, so I withholded salary, partially because projects being late meant for this company I had no good way to report my actual working hours on said projects, and partially because I felt awful about my own work. Of course, that situation only lasted short. And so, I was left without a job again, and this time mentally on the brim of suicide.
Luckely I've been able to pick up something again. A friend of my family had a honest to god job that they needed some hands for. Temporary, minimum wage, but they provided housing and food, so I would have saved a little weren't it for my poor mental state and low stimulus levels. The good thing being that for the first time in my life I kinda felt useful, not a hard thing to do when you're not IT.
But yeah, I wouldn't recommend me to any company right now, and whilst I appreciate the efforts, I feel the burden on my friends I am when they attempt to recommend me to join their company. I don't want them to come into problems when they recommend me. And in the meantime, I run into the dilemma of not feeling worth a liveable pay but still (kinda) wanting to survive.
Sorry for having you listen to this long dragged-out ramble, it had to come out somewhere someday, and thank you for reading it (or not. Which in the grand scheme of things might be the wiser thing to do).
It's just one look in why I am doing so poorly, and maybe it might explain to some folks in power why some are clearly doing better than others, gifted kids syndrome style one could say.
Honestly, my carreer path up until now has been seriously depressing. Can you still speak about a carreer if it's been going steep downhill since the very start without ever skipping a beat?
I started school with the vague promise that companies in the IT are unable to keep their employees due to other companies stealing their talent as they are so desired. That 6 figure starters salaries were not unheard of. Of course, sceptic me never believed it, the world does not run like that.
So when I got my first job, I was quite happy with my mildly-above-minimum-wage salary, a good starter salary I thought. Of course, the housing marked being seriously screwed even back then I had a hard time living off of it. But the advantage, it was a rather unique job, we were working in an old villa building websites stealing dumber poor people's money with scammy loans. And we had lots of fun. Yeah, nobody knew what they were doing, we made a mess on a daily basis, but at least at the end of the day I basically builded the whole crappy monolithic architecture of the complete system without going insane even once, whilst my collegues added scammy marketing hooks and vague crapto-crudency implementation lies. I couldn't do that today anymore, idk anymore how I even did that.
But yeah, a system like that does not run on thin air, and whilst we knew what was going on (our salaries were periously late on some occasions, especially dangerous when you are living paycheck to paycheck trying to pay last months rent with this months late-by-3-weeks paycheck). We were still a bit surprised and felt a bit ripped off when the boss came in one day and closed the door.
I had been passively looking at other jobs in the mean time, a basically unfeasable task when, you work overtime on a daily basis, and the nearest affordable apartment being 50km from work, meant that you left at 7h30 and came back at 19h30 on a regular basis. Yeah, one of the reasons I was looking outside was actually this housing situation. But whilst no job was a match for what I was doing right now, the ones that were like "eh, why not" were strangely reluctant to take me, whilst the "eww, cobol" jobs were more than willing to take me. Yeah, I felt the cold draft already, the future did not look bright.
But being left without a job meant that I took the first thing that wasn't unreasonably stinky, rent was due. Which meant going to the other side of the country for what was basically a boring office job with other clerks that were of no help whatsoever. I was seen as the "artsy" type, read chaotic and unorganised, and not in a good way. What didn't help was my collegues were basically unavailable on a technical level, and more than once were I left wondering what the heck to do as everyone was unavailable on a physical level as well. My own mental being was going down as well, probably from being unable to cope with being just a footnote in a project that was unlikely to ever see use.
That, and with it it basically took my skills. I was left staring at bugs unable to fix them for days on end, and as nobody ever was checking on me to see how I was doing it only left me with a sore feeling. After about a year of feeling utterly useless and a burden on a company that wasn't mine, my manager gave me the door, with not a lot of bright future ahead of me.
I then took some months off to recoup from this total mental fuckyard. I moved back to my parents (again being unable to pay rent as well as being creatively bankrupt). I only sorta did some job searching, only picking that up after months of feeling salty about it. When I did find a job it was a work-from-home dealio. The thing is, the motivation was out, the drive was out, and on top of that that job expected me to deliver some pristine work performance which I just couldn't deliver. Worse, I barely had the skills of a minimum wage worker left, so I withholded salary, partially because projects being late meant for this company I had no good way to report my actual working hours on said projects, and partially because I felt awful about my own work. Of course, that situation only lasted short. And so, I was left without a job again, and this time mentally on the brim of suicide.
Luckely I've been able to pick up something again. A friend of my family had a honest to god job that they needed some hands for. Temporary, minimum wage, but they provided housing and food, so I would have saved a little weren't it for my poor mental state and low stimulus levels. The good thing being that for the first time in my life I kinda felt useful, not a hard thing to do when you're not IT.
But yeah, I wouldn't recommend me to any company right now, and whilst I appreciate the efforts, I feel the burden on my friends I am when they attempt to recommend me to join their company. I don't want them to come into problems when they recommend me. And in the meantime, I run into the dilemma of not feeling worth a liveable pay but still (kinda) wanting to survive.
Sorry for having you listen to this long dragged-out ramble, it had to come out somewhere someday, and thank you for reading it (or not. Which in the grand scheme of things might be the wiser thing to do).
It's just one look in why I am doing so poorly, and maybe it might explain to some folks in power why some are clearly doing better than others, gifted kids syndrome style one could say.
no title
General | Posted 3 years agoWeird depressions come and go... not much I can do about it but let the wind flow. Whenever I want death, but I know I don't want death, I just want something more than barely living. Whenever I want pain, but what I really crave for is the feeling of being alive. And in the meantime here is I in this aimless storm that is life, feeling rejected by myself, unable to accomplish anything of meaning. What shall I do? I gotto do something more, I gotto do something about it, but even tho the darkest thoughts flow my mind I know they aren't the solution either, they only help to worsen the pain. I have pretty much nothing to hope for, but I know it ain't over for me yet, it's just all the paths that I've wandered in have lead to death ends. But that does not mean there is no path.
But it ain't going to get easy. Easier, that's never been the case. Always gone for the easy path, here is where that leads to... the path to nowhere, desperation alone.
Goddamn why can't I get a clue on where life may lead me to!
But it ain't going to get easy. Easier, that's never been the case. Always gone for the easy path, here is where that leads to... the path to nowhere, desperation alone.
Goddamn why can't I get a clue on where life may lead me to!
For those that have read my last journals
General | Posted 3 years ago...yeah mentality is going up and down these past times. Mostly down tbh. But nothing I experience is new, I *should* know how to deal with it and I'll try my best to not make a mess of it.
Talking about it helps... kinda. I am far too much of the "hiding it for the world" kind, and that's not good folks!
We shall see. Mid-october will be the new target, if I dissapear by then than things have gone terribly wrong (or not 😁 Best case scenario I'm so busy I don't even have time to focus on furry stuff). We shall see
Talking about it helps... kinda. I am far too much of the "hiding it for the world" kind, and that's not good folks!
We shall see. Mid-october will be the new target, if I dissapear by then than things have gone terribly wrong (or not 😁 Best case scenario I'm so busy I don't even have time to focus on furry stuff). We shall see
Self-isolation and (weird forms of) self-harm
General | Posted 3 years agoI do dumb stuff.
This is a fact, there is no getting around it. Worse, when I do dumb stuff, it tends to get stuck in my head, and then I do even dumber stuff to get it out of my head.
One example? I fantasize a lot about dissapearing from the world, not exclusively in a suicidal way but also just... vanishing for my friends and family and heading into the unknown on a journey to nowhere. It's that feeling that nobody truly cares for you, you are just there. So a common reaction, when I feel guilty, is to instead of admitting my error and maybe head off from the damn phone for a second, go *just the mile extra* and say, delete my account. Block good friends. All that kind of nasty stuff.
Most of the time I recognise this behaviour, and can prevent me from actually putting these thought into execution. Most of the time. Recognising is half the step, the other half is getting a healthier relationship with stuff like critisism and I'm still far away from that (and mostly heading into the isolationist lonelysphere right now, my situation does not help with that but alas, that's not something I can do much about right now).
So I guess this is my little form of self-harm... disconnecting from the world, dissapearing to those that care for me. No form of self-harm is good...
This is a fact, there is no getting around it. Worse, when I do dumb stuff, it tends to get stuck in my head, and then I do even dumber stuff to get it out of my head.
One example? I fantasize a lot about dissapearing from the world, not exclusively in a suicidal way but also just... vanishing for my friends and family and heading into the unknown on a journey to nowhere. It's that feeling that nobody truly cares for you, you are just there. So a common reaction, when I feel guilty, is to instead of admitting my error and maybe head off from the damn phone for a second, go *just the mile extra* and say, delete my account. Block good friends. All that kind of nasty stuff.
Most of the time I recognise this behaviour, and can prevent me from actually putting these thought into execution. Most of the time. Recognising is half the step, the other half is getting a healthier relationship with stuff like critisism and I'm still far away from that (and mostly heading into the isolationist lonelysphere right now, my situation does not help with that but alas, that's not something I can do much about right now).
So I guess this is my little form of self-harm... disconnecting from the world, dissapearing to those that care for me. No form of self-harm is good...
I'm not doing fine (NSFW)
General | Posted 3 years agoSorry for the not so positive update.
I managed to bring down my suicidal thoughts down to once per week at the very most (I had them once every two days at several peaks of my depression). I've also taken preventive measures, mostly by setting requirements on these matters that are basically impossible to meet, sadly it's the only guarantee I can give me now. I still sleep very badly but I've shifted my thoughts to impossible fetishes and more nasty stuff like that, it's ironically kinda better than what my brain naturaly shifts towards.
The constant couchsurfing between countries have left me socially homeless... like, I still do have friends but they are far away. I kinda have a temporary job (and home) in the here and now, but I lack any vision beyond these few months, it's a total black hole. Not something great to look forwards to.
I know I have many friends but I find it very difficult to keep them, especially when they are at such a distance, especially mentally. I might have bigger of a problem than I thought, a little bit of digging through emotional baggage has unleashed a whole mountain of garbage. It's not just being socially awkward, it's appearing socially extroverted at first and then dissapointing myself when I can't keep up that lifestyle.
I have dreams, but these are unoptainable fantasies not grounded in the real world.
The good thing tho is I've already found out many things about myself, and even with recieving basically 0 external assistance and feeling too awkward to even reach out to others about it, I kinda get the feeling I know myself better now than I ever had before. But it comes at a price. And I don't know if I'm willing to pay that price forever, or even right at the moment.
In all truthness I'm just tired, but I gotto keep fighting, keep fighting especially my own internalised thoughts. I have so few to loose, I just lack the perspective on all I have to win to get through this truly awful phase.
I managed to bring down my suicidal thoughts down to once per week at the very most (I had them once every two days at several peaks of my depression). I've also taken preventive measures, mostly by setting requirements on these matters that are basically impossible to meet, sadly it's the only guarantee I can give me now. I still sleep very badly but I've shifted my thoughts to impossible fetishes and more nasty stuff like that, it's ironically kinda better than what my brain naturaly shifts towards.
The constant couchsurfing between countries have left me socially homeless... like, I still do have friends but they are far away. I kinda have a temporary job (and home) in the here and now, but I lack any vision beyond these few months, it's a total black hole. Not something great to look forwards to.
I know I have many friends but I find it very difficult to keep them, especially when they are at such a distance, especially mentally. I might have bigger of a problem than I thought, a little bit of digging through emotional baggage has unleashed a whole mountain of garbage. It's not just being socially awkward, it's appearing socially extroverted at first and then dissapointing myself when I can't keep up that lifestyle.
I have dreams, but these are unoptainable fantasies not grounded in the real world.
The good thing tho is I've already found out many things about myself, and even with recieving basically 0 external assistance and feeling too awkward to even reach out to others about it, I kinda get the feeling I know myself better now than I ever had before. But it comes at a price. And I don't know if I'm willing to pay that price forever, or even right at the moment.
In all truthness I'm just tired, but I gotto keep fighting, keep fighting especially my own internalised thoughts. I have so few to loose, I just lack the perspective on all I have to win to get through this truly awful phase.
Am I doing fine? (spoiler: no, not really)
General | Posted 3 years agoFor those that wonder, am I doing fine? To be honest, I'm not doing all that well... loneliness and lack of future have once again come to show their ugly rears.
It's a well-known problem for me. I tend to live far away from people that care for me, especially friends and social contacts. It's a perk of the countryside but also from growing up in an environment and even a whole-ass country I never connected with. As a result I have the well-known problem that my friends are always far away, even now that I have a car and the willingness to travel and relocate.
Hence, I kinda feel lost in the middle of nowhere. For a while, I moved back to the country my family is from, getting a job in the field I studied in. But being a footnote in a giant company whilst not having any friends or social outings quickly became even more detrimental for my mental health. I later tried moving to another country where I actually *do* have some friends, but alas immigration is a bitch and being a migrant worker even more so.
So now I'm back in the countryside of this godforsaken country I'd hoped to have left for good. Luckely I now have a little job again, far below what I technically studied for but I actually feel useful, which does help my mental well-being a bit. Not being able to socialise beyond some sweet words on the internet is starting to go from a drag to a true nervegrinder tho, hence why you don't hear from me as often anymore. I try to keep social contacts awaken... but it's hard.
At least I'm safe and stable for a few months. What shall happen with me after that? God or his non-existent counterpart (hey, not judging!) knows... I need to move futher in life, but I have ginormous steps to take, I'm all on my own... and in a way I'm at my lowest I've been in years.
Yeah, all my plans are busted. But for now, I shall continue for what it's worth. So no, I'm not doing fine, but if I got to conclude it could have been A Whole Lot Worse.
Hey that kinda feels like the world right now! well... well...
It's a well-known problem for me. I tend to live far away from people that care for me, especially friends and social contacts. It's a perk of the countryside but also from growing up in an environment and even a whole-ass country I never connected with. As a result I have the well-known problem that my friends are always far away, even now that I have a car and the willingness to travel and relocate.
Hence, I kinda feel lost in the middle of nowhere. For a while, I moved back to the country my family is from, getting a job in the field I studied in. But being a footnote in a giant company whilst not having any friends or social outings quickly became even more detrimental for my mental health. I later tried moving to another country where I actually *do* have some friends, but alas immigration is a bitch and being a migrant worker even more so.
So now I'm back in the countryside of this godforsaken country I'd hoped to have left for good. Luckely I now have a little job again, far below what I technically studied for but I actually feel useful, which does help my mental well-being a bit. Not being able to socialise beyond some sweet words on the internet is starting to go from a drag to a true nervegrinder tho, hence why you don't hear from me as often anymore. I try to keep social contacts awaken... but it's hard.
At least I'm safe and stable for a few months. What shall happen with me after that? God or his non-existent counterpart (hey, not judging!) knows... I need to move futher in life, but I have ginormous steps to take, I'm all on my own... and in a way I'm at my lowest I've been in years.
Yeah, all my plans are busted. But for now, I shall continue for what it's worth. So no, I'm not doing fine, but if I got to conclude it could have been A Whole Lot Worse.
Hey that kinda feels like the world right now! well... well...
Grey... romantic?
General | Posted 3 years agoThe full irony of me apparantly not being able to commit to a relationship yet still feeling the slight desire for one. But I know that last about as long as the sun in a winter day, so be cursed to never be able to find out what true romance feels like.
I only have this holywood idea of it, it sounds too good to be true. And I do kinda feel something on the moment. But as soon as the day comes I can't stick, and no amount of sweet words will fix that, I just want to talk about politics and stuff. Fuck me I guess?
I only have this holywood idea of it, it sounds too good to be true. And I do kinda feel something on the moment. But as soon as the day comes I can't stick, and no amount of sweet words will fix that, I just want to talk about politics and stuff. Fuck me I guess?
About pride (or superfluids and polaroids or something id...
General | Posted 3 years agoFreeze a liquid. You know, real gentle. Not like the brutal instant freeze-fest, no it's really important it hasn't realised yet it's frozen. So go gentle, go slow. Let it keep up the illusion of liquidness.
Then suddenly, make it flinch! Give it a disturbance to the force, make it's ears bleed, and it'll suddenly actually start acting like frozen, as if it was compensating for something. I warn you, this change can be brutal. But was it really liquid in the first place?
*mumbles something angry about gender perception in current western society*
Yes this is a real phenomen, and people can act quite angry about it. People don't like sudden changes, lots of latent heat gets released that way. Some might choose to stay fluid, even if they know they're deep down just a solid. Others will be percieved as some kind of latent solid, but guess what? They don't have to be. Others are just mixed fluid and solid. And so forth... there are so many layers to this onion, peeling it would be a pointless exercise.
If you know anything about photography, you might know polaroids almost as a meme now. Of course, polaroid was a sunglass company before making camera's, and guess what? What made these glasses so great was what made the camera's so good. They couldn't see the sun!
A spectator watching a cylinder from above might think it's a circle, whilst another watching from aside might argue it's a rectangle. They can start endless political discussions about it, because they'll never see the same point of view.
A polarised visor works just in the same way... Light is a wave, and waves wave from one side to another. A grill has an orientation too. And if the waves hit the grill in the side opposite to the slices, it won't get through. Result: The sun won't go through the sunglasses, but your pretty pictures would!
Where were we? Oh wait, perception... Just like the grill can be oriented one way or another, people can see you in vastly different ways depending on who oriented the grill in the first place. Who orients it? The grill master, i.e. the one first impression, maybe even before you two met. Can be as simple as a "He" or a "She" in a mail. Does that explain a bit why some people are so adament about it? and why others don't really care?
The thing is, if a solid has always been percieved as a liquid it's sudden solidification can deep down imply it's still "some kind of liquid acting as a solid" to the perciever. This does not even have to be ill-intended, it's natural! But what even is a solid or a liquid? Isn't it just all on this site about what holes you can fill and which you can puncture with like a hammer...
Anyways, that's about it, folks! I just wanted to write something for pride month, but remember everybody's experience is different and it's not because yours doesn't match mine that it suddenly becomes invalid! In the end these are just labels we attach to ourself to describe ourself and to find others with similar experiences about sexuality and gender.
I decided to write a second one because I am too fucking broke for a ych right now (if I say I can't afford a 5 dollar one I'm not even exagerating, I have about 4.15 on my bank account right now of which 2 is already reserved) and I don't have the time and can't be bothered to draw one myself. The tone is quite different too... I intentionally kept it vague just like these ideas are right now still so vague in my head. Oh well... the time shall come
Then suddenly, make it flinch! Give it a disturbance to the force, make it's ears bleed, and it'll suddenly actually start acting like frozen, as if it was compensating for something. I warn you, this change can be brutal. But was it really liquid in the first place?
*mumbles something angry about gender perception in current western society*
Yes this is a real phenomen, and people can act quite angry about it. People don't like sudden changes, lots of latent heat gets released that way. Some might choose to stay fluid, even if they know they're deep down just a solid. Others will be percieved as some kind of latent solid, but guess what? They don't have to be. Others are just mixed fluid and solid. And so forth... there are so many layers to this onion, peeling it would be a pointless exercise.
If you know anything about photography, you might know polaroids almost as a meme now. Of course, polaroid was a sunglass company before making camera's, and guess what? What made these glasses so great was what made the camera's so good. They couldn't see the sun!
A spectator watching a cylinder from above might think it's a circle, whilst another watching from aside might argue it's a rectangle. They can start endless political discussions about it, because they'll never see the same point of view.
A polarised visor works just in the same way... Light is a wave, and waves wave from one side to another. A grill has an orientation too. And if the waves hit the grill in the side opposite to the slices, it won't get through. Result: The sun won't go through the sunglasses, but your pretty pictures would!
Where were we? Oh wait, perception... Just like the grill can be oriented one way or another, people can see you in vastly different ways depending on who oriented the grill in the first place. Who orients it? The grill master, i.e. the one first impression, maybe even before you two met. Can be as simple as a "He" or a "She" in a mail. Does that explain a bit why some people are so adament about it? and why others don't really care?
The thing is, if a solid has always been percieved as a liquid it's sudden solidification can deep down imply it's still "some kind of liquid acting as a solid" to the perciever. This does not even have to be ill-intended, it's natural! But what even is a solid or a liquid? Isn't it just all on this site about what holes you can fill and which you can puncture with like a hammer...
Anyways, that's about it, folks! I just wanted to write something for pride month, but remember everybody's experience is different and it's not because yours doesn't match mine that it suddenly becomes invalid! In the end these are just labels we attach to ourself to describe ourself and to find others with similar experiences about sexuality and gender.
I decided to write a second one because I am too fucking broke for a ych right now (if I say I can't afford a 5 dollar one I'm not even exagerating, I have about 4.15 on my bank account right now of which 2 is already reserved) and I don't have the time and can't be bothered to draw one myself. The tone is quite different too... I intentionally kept it vague just like these ideas are right now still so vague in my head. Oh well... the time shall come
About pride (asexuality edition)
General | Posted 3 years agoAhhh, asexuality. Pride month has just peeked it's pretty face above the barbed fence of civilisation, and so everyone on the planet should now either write a little bit about their sexuality or commision some cool as fuck ych. Yet, aspec is still far too often forgotten about, or considered "vanilla", "not queer enough".
Indeed, information about asexuality, aromanticity, demisexuality, greysexuality, and so forth? It is rare outside of it's own circles. It is so often misunderstood... whilst the society slowly starts to accept not all male gays are pretty little twinks and all lesbians butch, even within queer circles the stereotype of the puriteen incel robot percists.
Do aspec people face discrimination? Not being known about might protect us from the most vile forms of it, but we're not safe, far from it. How many times have we been told we haven't had proper sex yet, haven't met the right one, "I will show you different", and even relations broken "cause you were no good in bed". I think it's still relatively minor compared to some of our LGB- and especially T friends, but it's there, and we do have to keep on our guards. Besides, many forms of discrimination come from our own, when we don't know well enough about ourselves or might not have accepted ourselves as we are.
A rising issue is the so-called "incel" community. These are people who make their whole personality the fact that they can't get a relationship. They start doing more and more worrisome actions, and because society thinks in absolutes they start putting everyone in the same bucket, throwing those who do not *want* a relationship under the bus.
Since aspec details aren't so well known, and many people still have a binary vision about it, another point I would like to make is that asexuality and it's cousins ain't quite so black and white as one might expect.
When I first learned about asexuality I thought I would just be incapable of doing sex, and abstained myself from it without much difficulty. Masturbation was another story, I'll throw myself under the bridge and tell in all honesty I *do* enjoy that, but it's mostly about my own body (or not! whelp, I might be trans now as well hahaha) and not so much about looking at hot people with dicks and boobs.
Later, way way later, I started to experiment. Indeed, it's not quite that. The tools are still available (in my case they aren't very available but that's their problem 😛) but I don't have that desire that other people have. Instead, sex for me is just glorified masterbation, with another person involved if needed. Of course, that does not make me incapable of having sex with another person (tho it is quite a hurdle, especially being repulsed to the visual aspect of it) but it's about as enjoyable as having sex with a whoopie cushion!
This however is even more true about aromanticity. I'm still not really confident about myself if I'm aromantic, or just very very poly. The thing is, I love giving affection to people, "playing the lover", but really, I could do it with just about anyone. It's like I'm the biggest affectionslut in the world, I could declare my eternal love to 10 people at the same time but would it be really sincere?
Anyways, that's about it, folks! I just wanted to write something for pride month, but remember everybody's experience is different and it's not because yours doesn't match mine that it suddenly becomes invalid! In the end these are just labels we attach to ourself to describe ourself and to find others with similar experiences about sexuality and gender.
But I would love to hear if I've inspired any of you fluffs ☺️
Indeed, information about asexuality, aromanticity, demisexuality, greysexuality, and so forth? It is rare outside of it's own circles. It is so often misunderstood... whilst the society slowly starts to accept not all male gays are pretty little twinks and all lesbians butch, even within queer circles the stereotype of the puriteen incel robot percists.
Do aspec people face discrimination? Not being known about might protect us from the most vile forms of it, but we're not safe, far from it. How many times have we been told we haven't had proper sex yet, haven't met the right one, "I will show you different", and even relations broken "cause you were no good in bed". I think it's still relatively minor compared to some of our LGB- and especially T friends, but it's there, and we do have to keep on our guards. Besides, many forms of discrimination come from our own, when we don't know well enough about ourselves or might not have accepted ourselves as we are.
A rising issue is the so-called "incel" community. These are people who make their whole personality the fact that they can't get a relationship. They start doing more and more worrisome actions, and because society thinks in absolutes they start putting everyone in the same bucket, throwing those who do not *want* a relationship under the bus.
Since aspec details aren't so well known, and many people still have a binary vision about it, another point I would like to make is that asexuality and it's cousins ain't quite so black and white as one might expect.
When I first learned about asexuality I thought I would just be incapable of doing sex, and abstained myself from it without much difficulty. Masturbation was another story, I'll throw myself under the bridge and tell in all honesty I *do* enjoy that, but it's mostly about my own body (or not! whelp, I might be trans now as well hahaha) and not so much about looking at hot people with dicks and boobs.
Later, way way later, I started to experiment. Indeed, it's not quite that. The tools are still available (in my case they aren't very available but that's their problem 😛) but I don't have that desire that other people have. Instead, sex for me is just glorified masterbation, with another person involved if needed. Of course, that does not make me incapable of having sex with another person (tho it is quite a hurdle, especially being repulsed to the visual aspect of it) but it's about as enjoyable as having sex with a whoopie cushion!
This however is even more true about aromanticity. I'm still not really confident about myself if I'm aromantic, or just very very poly. The thing is, I love giving affection to people, "playing the lover", but really, I could do it with just about anyone. It's like I'm the biggest affectionslut in the world, I could declare my eternal love to 10 people at the same time but would it be really sincere?
Anyways, that's about it, folks! I just wanted to write something for pride month, but remember everybody's experience is different and it's not because yours doesn't match mine that it suddenly becomes invalid! In the end these are just labels we attach to ourself to describe ourself and to find others with similar experiences about sexuality and gender.
But I would love to hear if I've inspired any of you fluffs ☺️
Story time! (litterally XD)
General | Posted 3 years agoI have uploaded some old stories. These were from various backups I found back, all from the period 2013-2015 when I actually wrote stuff.
So they are technically all pre-furry, but some do feature the Libelloïdes and/or other fantasy or science fiction creatures.
I decided to upload them *as it*, with no modification to them since they were last saved, so many laptops ago. They were all TXT files, so that's an advantage.
This also mean that they are still left in the language they were written in; 4 Dutch and 1 French story.
Libelloïde-ontvoering:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46862244
8 november 2014
A short extract about the Libelloïdes doing whatever Libelloïdes do. Oldest text I can find where these buggers were named by name, i.e. "Libelloïde"
Myaklar le Libelloïde
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46862409
19 november 2013
Very much a prototype for later Libelloïde hybrid stories (see Mii for a better example).
Hergeboren als draak!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46863400
11 may 2015
This one is the most *furry* of these stories; being reborn as a dragon might not be so fun tho as this site might have let you believe.
Scheerfabrikant
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46864245
1 november 2014 (?)
Yeah, not about shaving but *again* about Libelloïdes. Is a typical example of my writing, also of the bad parts sadly.
Rood
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46864664
13 november 2014
Not much to it, just inspirational writing and seeing-where-stuff-goes. Must be one heck of a beautiful world tho
So they are technically all pre-furry, but some do feature the Libelloïdes and/or other fantasy or science fiction creatures.
I decided to upload them *as it*, with no modification to them since they were last saved, so many laptops ago. They were all TXT files, so that's an advantage.
This also mean that they are still left in the language they were written in; 4 Dutch and 1 French story.
Libelloïde-ontvoering:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46862244
8 november 2014
A short extract about the Libelloïdes doing whatever Libelloïdes do. Oldest text I can find where these buggers were named by name, i.e. "Libelloïde"
Myaklar le Libelloïde
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46862409
19 november 2013
Very much a prototype for later Libelloïde hybrid stories (see Mii for a better example).
Hergeboren als draak!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46863400
11 may 2015
This one is the most *furry* of these stories; being reborn as a dragon might not be so fun tho as this site might have let you believe.
Scheerfabrikant
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46864245
1 november 2014 (?)
Yeah, not about shaving but *again* about Libelloïdes. Is a typical example of my writing, also of the bad parts sadly.
Rood
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46864664
13 november 2014
Not much to it, just inspirational writing and seeing-where-stuff-goes. Must be one heck of a beautiful world tho
I finally did something I was drearing to do...
General | Posted 3 years ago...I updated my FA profile 😝
Made some cute sergal adopts!
General | Posted 3 years agoI made 4 cute sergal adopts, go check them out!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244793/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244808/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244837/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244851/
Cheese!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244793/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244808/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244837/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46244851/
Cheese!
The combination of Estrogen & Alcohol wasnt such a good i...
General | Posted 3 years agoNow I'm cuddly *and* drunk
Weird times + My toyhouse
General | Posted 4 years agoDon't forget to check out my toyhouse!
https://toyhou.se/Caroline
I have recently uploaded some fursuit pictures on there, most of them are on here as well but it's currently *slightly* more up to date on characters tho.
Anyways, weird times. My hearth goes out to both Ukraine, who see their country ruined by a war they didn't ask for, and the Russian common people, who didn't approve of this war either and instead only pay the price of sanctions for something they didn't have any hand in. Also fuck to all gouvernements that think they can just take other countries and ignore their own population. Neither does affect me directly, but any war affects me deep in my hearth.
As for me? Other than losing my job and getting in a mild depression on it that did lead to very chaotic situations like my weird social network delete action, I'm doing fine. Honestly, seeing the current situation in the world, I don't expect to come back over there in quite a while. Enough noise around my head right now.
In better news, bluefox3465 is currently in the progress of making the refsheet and handpaws for Rayna, a fursuit by https://www.instagram.com/mossymutts that I adopted quite a while back and that I've come to love even more. And I just bought the materials for my next suit: https://toyhou.se/13936010.carrot-the-pumpkin
So whilst all this weirdness is happening, the world keeps turning, and the only thing I can hope is that I can bring it some happiness before its inevitable end.
https://toyhou.se/Caroline
I have recently uploaded some fursuit pictures on there, most of them are on here as well but it's currently *slightly* more up to date on characters tho.
Anyways, weird times. My hearth goes out to both Ukraine, who see their country ruined by a war they didn't ask for, and the Russian common people, who didn't approve of this war either and instead only pay the price of sanctions for something they didn't have any hand in. Also fuck to all gouvernements that think they can just take other countries and ignore their own population. Neither does affect me directly, but any war affects me deep in my hearth.
As for me? Other than losing my job and getting in a mild depression on it that did lead to very chaotic situations like my weird social network delete action, I'm doing fine. Honestly, seeing the current situation in the world, I don't expect to come back over there in quite a while. Enough noise around my head right now.
In better news, bluefox3465 is currently in the progress of making the refsheet and handpaws for Rayna, a fursuit by https://www.instagram.com/mossymutts that I adopted quite a while back and that I've come to love even more. And I just bought the materials for my next suit: https://toyhou.se/13936010.carrot-the-pumpkin
So whilst all this weirdness is happening, the world keeps turning, and the only thing I can hope is that I can bring it some happiness before its inevitable end.
Ok I'm back together
General | Posted 4 years agoOk I'm back together, I don't feel great, but I can at least slowly start up my social life again. Don't expect much out of me tho. I done some awful selfish things, I shall pay the price for it
No panic, I need a pause
General | Posted 4 years agoSee title
No title
General | Posted 4 years agoYour stickers just hide a deep rooted insecurity of not feeling loved
- I have been thinking about this one... a lot.
TW: Depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self-hate.
I grew up really lonely. Like, seriously fucking lonely. And whenever I tried to make friends I always felt like some kind of appendix to them, as if I only ever was invited just out of politeness. I didn't know how to climb that barrier, cause that barrier was within me. I came to accept myself as not only ace, but also aromantic. Too quick? Well, let's say it was quite convenient for me, I didn't have to apologize to anyone and I didn't have a fuck to give about other people. Not as if I felt as if they gave a fuck about me either.
The end result was that I fitted quite well the lone wolf stereotype. Except for me it went another direction.
The thing is, I can come over really social and people-loving, because I genuinely am. It's just that I'm too scared to approach people, I don't fit in.
This has always been a duality I struggled with. That of the lone fox, always on the run, not trusting anyone. And of the loving fluffly husky, always there to give people support, always there to give hugs and cuddles... So I appeared in people's life, gave them a moment of comfort, then disappeared just as sudden? It was always that I was just on the run for myself. The fear of not being loved...
In fact this whole affectionatism? just a mask to hide my insecurity. It makes me cry just to think about it. I cannot truly love people, cause I always feel like I'm using those people for the sake of my own. I disappoint people. And I disappoint myself in the progress...
- I have been thinking about this one... a lot.
TW: Depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self-hate.
I grew up really lonely. Like, seriously fucking lonely. And whenever I tried to make friends I always felt like some kind of appendix to them, as if I only ever was invited just out of politeness. I didn't know how to climb that barrier, cause that barrier was within me. I came to accept myself as not only ace, but also aromantic. Too quick? Well, let's say it was quite convenient for me, I didn't have to apologize to anyone and I didn't have a fuck to give about other people. Not as if I felt as if they gave a fuck about me either.
The end result was that I fitted quite well the lone wolf stereotype. Except for me it went another direction.
The thing is, I can come over really social and people-loving, because I genuinely am. It's just that I'm too scared to approach people, I don't fit in.
This has always been a duality I struggled with. That of the lone fox, always on the run, not trusting anyone. And of the loving fluffly husky, always there to give people support, always there to give hugs and cuddles... So I appeared in people's life, gave them a moment of comfort, then disappeared just as sudden? It was always that I was just on the run for myself. The fear of not being loved...
In fact this whole affectionatism? just a mask to hide my insecurity. It makes me cry just to think about it. I cannot truly love people, cause I always feel like I'm using those people for the sake of my own. I disappoint people. And I disappoint myself in the progress...
Furry commissions are a perfect little economy
General | Posted 4 years agoTW: Ehhh... economy?
As society progresses, and with increased robotisation, less and less labour is needed to create the same resources.
In a purely hypothetical situation, no resource shall need more than a few hours from one individual to create. In this context, associating and centralizing these resources would only slow down production, as more time would be dedicated to the boilerplate than to the actual production. At this critical point, the only way of action would be to leave any form of production to the individual, dissociating any form of intervention from top-down; whether from a company or a government.
The ideal society then would have every individual focused on its own production. They won't need to work for a company, they won't need to report taxes, they just get money directly from customers, and report back their production as soon as it's finished. Everything would be hand-crafted, and everyone would be a specialist in *something*.
This utopian situation would require 3 things:
1) Everything be broken down to the level that a single skilled individual can perform it in a reasonable time.
2) Instant access for all potential customers to the information required to choose their producer fairly, without bias.
3) Unbiased and capable methods of transaction and logistics, both for the customer and for the producer's producers.
Now, this used to be unimaginable.
Point 1 was the whole reason we did set up companies and assembly lines. But as production efficiency and robotisation increases, and as individuals get more and more skilled, it starts to get more and more likely for a single individual to carry a whole production chain on their own. Of course, in some disciplines this has never been a problem.
Point 2 used to be only possible on a very local level, as the methods of communication just weren't there. Needless to say, the internet revolutionized this.
Point 3 is still a bit of a problem, even though it's slowly getting better. Of course, everything that only exist in a digital realm does not have to rely on logistics. But whilst payment options are now digital and much smoother, there is still a bias, and one could argue taxes still interfere on that matter. But I'd argue that this is the perfect place for government control; if rather than banks or companies, it would be the government that handles the logistics and the payment methods between individuals, they would be free to charge tax on it; and give them the power to lower the velocity of money on criminal/unhealthy transactions, rather than ban them all-together.
See what I'm getting at? This whole system already exist; is healthy, and benefits everyone equally.
Indeed, furry commissions are a perfect little economy; and the fact that people can live from them is a good sign; despite the fact that we live in such an unhealthy corporate society that this is only a minority. But boilerplate gets reduced to a minimum, max wealth is reduced to the production capacity of the individual rather than the corporation, economy is self-regulated and doesn't try to expand at infinity, and everything is custom-made and awesome!
The problem is when anyone of these 3 points is violated. And we are not yet at the point where we can get rid of that, especially not on a global level. But we are getting closer; and rather than favour multinationals we should seriously start looking at reforming the economy for the individual rather than the corporation. Yes, I love dreaming about a world where corporations have become obsolete. But for now they are big moneycows for governments, with powerful lobbies... but the point where corporations are just boilerplate is getting closer than ever.
So that explains why I'm neither pro-corporation, nor pro-government. In the future, neither should be the limiting factor in our economy. And yes, they are both toxic when you put power in them, yet you kinda still need them both (it's never all-encompassing). But there is nothing inherently bad about market-work, fund-raising, and indeed money.
So moral of this story:
Give this power to the individual, and watch the world burn with creativity!
As society progresses, and with increased robotisation, less and less labour is needed to create the same resources.
In a purely hypothetical situation, no resource shall need more than a few hours from one individual to create. In this context, associating and centralizing these resources would only slow down production, as more time would be dedicated to the boilerplate than to the actual production. At this critical point, the only way of action would be to leave any form of production to the individual, dissociating any form of intervention from top-down; whether from a company or a government.
The ideal society then would have every individual focused on its own production. They won't need to work for a company, they won't need to report taxes, they just get money directly from customers, and report back their production as soon as it's finished. Everything would be hand-crafted, and everyone would be a specialist in *something*.
This utopian situation would require 3 things:
1) Everything be broken down to the level that a single skilled individual can perform it in a reasonable time.
2) Instant access for all potential customers to the information required to choose their producer fairly, without bias.
3) Unbiased and capable methods of transaction and logistics, both for the customer and for the producer's producers.
Now, this used to be unimaginable.
Point 1 was the whole reason we did set up companies and assembly lines. But as production efficiency and robotisation increases, and as individuals get more and more skilled, it starts to get more and more likely for a single individual to carry a whole production chain on their own. Of course, in some disciplines this has never been a problem.
Point 2 used to be only possible on a very local level, as the methods of communication just weren't there. Needless to say, the internet revolutionized this.
Point 3 is still a bit of a problem, even though it's slowly getting better. Of course, everything that only exist in a digital realm does not have to rely on logistics. But whilst payment options are now digital and much smoother, there is still a bias, and one could argue taxes still interfere on that matter. But I'd argue that this is the perfect place for government control; if rather than banks or companies, it would be the government that handles the logistics and the payment methods between individuals, they would be free to charge tax on it; and give them the power to lower the velocity of money on criminal/unhealthy transactions, rather than ban them all-together.
See what I'm getting at? This whole system already exist; is healthy, and benefits everyone equally.
Indeed, furry commissions are a perfect little economy; and the fact that people can live from them is a good sign; despite the fact that we live in such an unhealthy corporate society that this is only a minority. But boilerplate gets reduced to a minimum, max wealth is reduced to the production capacity of the individual rather than the corporation, economy is self-regulated and doesn't try to expand at infinity, and everything is custom-made and awesome!
The problem is when anyone of these 3 points is violated. And we are not yet at the point where we can get rid of that, especially not on a global level. But we are getting closer; and rather than favour multinationals we should seriously start looking at reforming the economy for the individual rather than the corporation. Yes, I love dreaming about a world where corporations have become obsolete. But for now they are big moneycows for governments, with powerful lobbies... but the point where corporations are just boilerplate is getting closer than ever.
So that explains why I'm neither pro-corporation, nor pro-government. In the future, neither should be the limiting factor in our economy. And yes, they are both toxic when you put power in them, yet you kinda still need them both (it's never all-encompassing). But there is nothing inherently bad about market-work, fund-raising, and indeed money.
So moral of this story:
Give this power to the individual, and watch the world burn with creativity!
Let's talk about... kinky stuff
General | Posted 4 years agoFor some reason, you fluffs like nothing more than to kink-shame people. I see nothing wrong with kinks, as long as they harm no party involved... but for those that don't know, one man's puke reflex might just be another man's kink.
This always make kinks a little more complicated... but even as someone who doesn't feel quite confortable next to *a lot* of kinks I don't see any harm in it. But there is a good reason to keep it *a little* more separated, in my opinion.
I mean, take for instance Diapers. Diapers makes me puke! (well, ok, that's an exageration, but you get the point) but is there a problem with adults enjoying them? Yeah, I would prefer that people keep it *somewhat* behind closed doors (also, cause there is a time for kinky, and there is a time for clean). But even if I see them in public... I mean, a look away costs nothing, and does nobody harm!
The point is, it is not because you discovered that a person you follow has a kink that makes you feel kinda unconfortable, that you should shame them for it. And if you see something you don't quite like just look away! But that's more a discussion for the bird website than for here, it's just that that discussion won't fit neatly in 160 characters so I'll keep it to this.
TW/ Kinks
As for me, fun fact: I do have kinks.
But there is sadly a good reason that you won't see much of anything on here. In fact, the strange thing with my kinks is that most of them care more about my feeling than any visual flair, and in fact the whole visual aspect is for all but 3 of them just a massive turn-off. So no porn, no fetishy imagery, yeah not much at all of that aspect for me.
The one that you are *actually* bound to see on here is one that I'll dub as fluff fetish. I've kinda done it subdued in here... but I have a fetish for massive, massive amounts of floof. Floof beyond the point that you can walk. And long, useless ears that flaps pointlessly above it all, as if they were an afterthought.
This raises a good point, the fear of losing control over your own body is a recurring theme for me. Ever since I made Caroline's bodysuit (which is digigrade and features massive amounts of padding), I've been thinking about getting some kind of plush suit which would be so massive and plushy, and would make me completely unable to walk. All movements will have to be done by pushing me around, and both for getting in and getting out I would require a handler.
But the weird thing is... am I actually starting to like inflation? Actually not, at least not in the form as it is presented on here, the visual aspect of that one is one hell of a turn-off for me, it's just that that feeling of completely losing control over my own body is... endlessly fascinating.
Related to that is mind control. The idea of being addicted to some machine connected to your brain that could provide you with dopamine at will, making you a total slave that would do anything one orders it too. But also modifying aspects of the brain to become an animal, unable to communicate in anything but barks, unable to comprehend anything beyond simple commands. Or what about getting the mind of a girl...
This leads smoothly into transformation. Of course, the classic sona transformation is obvious. The idea of your sona (especially Caroline) being a bit species-fluid is also worth an explore.
But I can't hardly be "a little bit trans" without mentioning gender-swapping (even if I doubt any cis writer would have a hell of an idea of how that one would work). Besides the obvious for me "what if they finally did cut my dick off" (big question for me: would I still be ace?) I also like the inverse idea of *ahem* "girls" getting dicks. Body-swapping. And all kinds of weird combinations thereof (hint: cloatra's, hermaphrodites, and other xenogenders, are mighty fascinating too).
I also have somewhat of both a pregnancy and an egg fetish (cause unless medical science makes gigantic leaps (we can still wish!), I'm afraid neither is one I'll ever be able to experience).
But I also like other kinds of "body horror". Fusion. Aeromorphs. Wings. Bodysuits that can't be removed. Forced transformations, medical procedures gone overboard... all from fears I still have as an adult. Girls with massive tits attached to milk machines. Boys with extreme levels of testosterone fighting in the ring like wild beasts. Girls and boys that are birthing machines, gas machines... On hormone cultures that are just there to make them machines. Yeah these are very extreme fantasies, and something I wouldn't enjoy there existing in real life.
But sadly most of the above I only enjoy in my head, I don't kick off to seeing it and that makes it kinda difficult to explain.
On that I do occasionally like the visual aspect of is goo. Melting. Again, becoming all soft and uncontrolable.
Huttser17 has done it far better than I do, and I would count that as the only kinky art I have right now (outside of Caroline's fluff, and the occasional joke of her looking like a boy).
I think these are the main ones for me... I might update this in the future if needed. yeah, sorry, it's a bit of a dissapointment maybe?
Of course the most important one is that you don't draw one of my characters in your kink without asking permission, even if it *is* one from the list here above. But that's about it, really!
So now go ahead and kinkshame me O no actually, please don't, there are far more dire issues in the world. Go chase some pedophiles and zoophiles, ok! these have kinks that actually harm the world.
This always make kinks a little more complicated... but even as someone who doesn't feel quite confortable next to *a lot* of kinks I don't see any harm in it. But there is a good reason to keep it *a little* more separated, in my opinion.
I mean, take for instance Diapers. Diapers makes me puke! (well, ok, that's an exageration, but you get the point) but is there a problem with adults enjoying them? Yeah, I would prefer that people keep it *somewhat* behind closed doors (also, cause there is a time for kinky, and there is a time for clean). But even if I see them in public... I mean, a look away costs nothing, and does nobody harm!
The point is, it is not because you discovered that a person you follow has a kink that makes you feel kinda unconfortable, that you should shame them for it. And if you see something you don't quite like just look away! But that's more a discussion for the bird website than for here, it's just that that discussion won't fit neatly in 160 characters so I'll keep it to this.
TW/ Kinks
As for me, fun fact: I do have kinks.
But there is sadly a good reason that you won't see much of anything on here. In fact, the strange thing with my kinks is that most of them care more about my feeling than any visual flair, and in fact the whole visual aspect is for all but 3 of them just a massive turn-off. So no porn, no fetishy imagery, yeah not much at all of that aspect for me.
The one that you are *actually* bound to see on here is one that I'll dub as fluff fetish. I've kinda done it subdued in here... but I have a fetish for massive, massive amounts of floof. Floof beyond the point that you can walk. And long, useless ears that flaps pointlessly above it all, as if they were an afterthought.
This raises a good point, the fear of losing control over your own body is a recurring theme for me. Ever since I made Caroline's bodysuit (which is digigrade and features massive amounts of padding), I've been thinking about getting some kind of plush suit which would be so massive and plushy, and would make me completely unable to walk. All movements will have to be done by pushing me around, and both for getting in and getting out I would require a handler.
But the weird thing is... am I actually starting to like inflation? Actually not, at least not in the form as it is presented on here, the visual aspect of that one is one hell of a turn-off for me, it's just that that feeling of completely losing control over my own body is... endlessly fascinating.
Related to that is mind control. The idea of being addicted to some machine connected to your brain that could provide you with dopamine at will, making you a total slave that would do anything one orders it too. But also modifying aspects of the brain to become an animal, unable to communicate in anything but barks, unable to comprehend anything beyond simple commands. Or what about getting the mind of a girl...
This leads smoothly into transformation. Of course, the classic sona transformation is obvious. The idea of your sona (especially Caroline) being a bit species-fluid is also worth an explore.
But I can't hardly be "a little bit trans" without mentioning gender-swapping (even if I doubt any cis writer would have a hell of an idea of how that one would work). Besides the obvious for me "what if they finally did cut my dick off" (big question for me: would I still be ace?) I also like the inverse idea of *ahem* "girls" getting dicks. Body-swapping. And all kinds of weird combinations thereof (hint: cloatra's, hermaphrodites, and other xenogenders, are mighty fascinating too).
I also have somewhat of both a pregnancy and an egg fetish (cause unless medical science makes gigantic leaps (we can still wish!), I'm afraid neither is one I'll ever be able to experience).
But I also like other kinds of "body horror". Fusion. Aeromorphs. Wings. Bodysuits that can't be removed. Forced transformations, medical procedures gone overboard... all from fears I still have as an adult. Girls with massive tits attached to milk machines. Boys with extreme levels of testosterone fighting in the ring like wild beasts. Girls and boys that are birthing machines, gas machines... On hormone cultures that are just there to make them machines. Yeah these are very extreme fantasies, and something I wouldn't enjoy there existing in real life.
But sadly most of the above I only enjoy in my head, I don't kick off to seeing it and that makes it kinda difficult to explain.
On that I do occasionally like the visual aspect of is goo. Melting. Again, becoming all soft and uncontrolable.
Huttser17 has done it far better than I do, and I would count that as the only kinky art I have right now (outside of Caroline's fluff, and the occasional joke of her looking like a boy).I think these are the main ones for me... I might update this in the future if needed. yeah, sorry, it's a bit of a dissapointment maybe?
Of course the most important one is that you don't draw one of my characters in your kink without asking permission, even if it *is* one from the list here above. But that's about it, really!
So now go ahead and kinkshame me O no actually, please don't, there are far more dire issues in the world. Go chase some pedophiles and zoophiles, ok! these have kinks that actually harm the world.
How Caroline came to be
General | Posted 4 years agoI don't know if I've told the story before in here... so here we go.
It has been brought to my attention recently that Caroline has the trans pride flags colours interweaved in her fur. This is not entirely unintentional, yet I would call it a "happy little accident" 😁
I normally tend to stick to bright, neon colours. That's just my drill... don't come to here to see natural designs, that's just not my thing.
That being said, I'm always open for experimentation. And to get out of my comfort zone, I decided I wanted to do something with pastel colours.
So first I started to search this site for soft pastel-coloured fursona's, to take inspiration from. But that's not really a tag to google for. Whilst I had seen pastel fursona's before, I couldn't quite find one that matched what I wanted to do. From what I saw, most of them were just one or two solid colours, and I personally prefer more complex designs, with a lot more colours.
So I did the next best thing in town, and that was to google pastel palettes, and play with it myself. So I just read through tons of pictures of macarons, and sugar spin, and flowers, and dresses.
The thing is with pastel colours, there is not a ton of choice. There are certain yellows, but these would become natural browns in the context of sona's. And greens don't work overly well in pastels. So what is left over is shades of blues, and pinks. The traditional boy-girl palette... which was also the obvious choice for the trans flag.
And Caroline was my experiment with my more feminine side anyways, so it was kinda appropriate for me to use that. I added white, not to complete the trans flag, but simply cause it's an easy colour to shade to. And a purple that you often see coming back in my sona's (Mii is 60 percent that colour), I simply love that colour.
I also experimented with making her in the shades of nordic lights. This comes back in her blues, it's the reason her light blue shades to green. In the end that one is relatively subdued. But it's (originally) a husky, so I thought that'd be appropriate.
In the end, a sona that I did as more or less a joke ended up hitting home so much, that I now use her as my main sona 😍 this is how much I love her design. And the fact that she is more or less the trans colours indeed *did* help me feel more comfortable with my feelings, even if it's a lucky accident 🥰
And yet I won't retire Mii, in fact Mii the Fox will stay here manage this site. It's still very much my sona, and I'm relatively sona-fluid between those two... I love them both!
It has been brought to my attention recently that Caroline has the trans pride flags colours interweaved in her fur. This is not entirely unintentional, yet I would call it a "happy little accident" 😁
I normally tend to stick to bright, neon colours. That's just my drill... don't come to here to see natural designs, that's just not my thing.
That being said, I'm always open for experimentation. And to get out of my comfort zone, I decided I wanted to do something with pastel colours.
So first I started to search this site for soft pastel-coloured fursona's, to take inspiration from. But that's not really a tag to google for. Whilst I had seen pastel fursona's before, I couldn't quite find one that matched what I wanted to do. From what I saw, most of them were just one or two solid colours, and I personally prefer more complex designs, with a lot more colours.
So I did the next best thing in town, and that was to google pastel palettes, and play with it myself. So I just read through tons of pictures of macarons, and sugar spin, and flowers, and dresses.
The thing is with pastel colours, there is not a ton of choice. There are certain yellows, but these would become natural browns in the context of sona's. And greens don't work overly well in pastels. So what is left over is shades of blues, and pinks. The traditional boy-girl palette... which was also the obvious choice for the trans flag.
And Caroline was my experiment with my more feminine side anyways, so it was kinda appropriate for me to use that. I added white, not to complete the trans flag, but simply cause it's an easy colour to shade to. And a purple that you often see coming back in my sona's (Mii is 60 percent that colour), I simply love that colour.
I also experimented with making her in the shades of nordic lights. This comes back in her blues, it's the reason her light blue shades to green. In the end that one is relatively subdued. But it's (originally) a husky, so I thought that'd be appropriate.
In the end, a sona that I did as more or less a joke ended up hitting home so much, that I now use her as my main sona 😍 this is how much I love her design. And the fact that she is more or less the trans colours indeed *did* help me feel more comfortable with my feelings, even if it's a lucky accident 🥰
And yet I won't retire Mii, in fact Mii the Fox will stay here manage this site. It's still very much my sona, and I'm relatively sona-fluid between those two... I love them both!
Open for a YCH sticker pack!
General | Posted 4 years agoI am opening a few slots for a sticker pack, containing 20 high-resolution stickers!
See here for info:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41.....oad-successful
(edit: closed. Thanks for the interest!)
See here for info:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41.....oad-successful
(edit: closed. Thanks for the interest!)
Update on my "weird question"
General | Posted 4 years ago(This can be seen as a low-key follow-up to https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9828478/, specifically on answer 1 of question 1)
I recently ran a poll on Twitter about what other people think my gender identity is. The results were... interesting at least!
https://twitter.com/CarolineHusky/s.....79823288172544
Now, some people have pointed out (and rightly so!) that there are quite a few flaws in this poll. Besides how it would be nonsense to choose your own gender identity based on what others think (and that was not the point at all! I just was curious how I came across on the internet 😁), there was also the interesting remark that there was no option for cis-female (and the related trans-man ect...).
Now, even though I use a feminine character on the internet, at no point in history have I pretended to be biologically female. I haven't exactly advertised it either, but I've never tried to hide it.
I know there are some people who are genuinely uncomfortable with the thought of a male impersonating a female (to which I answer: that is exactly what a trans-*male* is 😁 but yeah, not everybody sees it that way) and as long as they don't actively prevent these people from doing their thing I'll just keep my distance to them.
That being said, if you are an artist who feels uncomfortable with drawing a female character for a biologically male person, just say it to me! I prefer cancelling the order over making someone feel uncomfortable.
But what is my own point of view on my own identity. To be honest, up until recent days it was kind of a non-issue. I always loved fantasising about being female; but that was exactly it, fantasy! And yet, when I joined the fandom I immediately started out with a female fursona; and not only that, but one that according to the official lore behind her backstory is trans.
The truth is that she existed way before I even heard about the furry fandom, and she always was kind of the female representation of me. Well, the female representation of back in the day. I feel more and more like I'm transitioning (get the pun? 😛) from Mii to Caroline for everyday life, yet Mii still definitely is me. Caroline is just the female side that I never even dared to explore 😳
At the very first, I still tried to reduce my feminine side to art, but it didn't take long before I decided "fuck it, I'll just do what I feel comfortable with, that is filling my text with emoji's 🥰, and doing all emotional and soft instead of even pretending to be otherwise 😁". How much better I feel myself showing my soft and fluffy side, whilst providing emotional support to those that need it 💜
However, an important distinction to make was that this was just on the internet. In real life, I just continued to hate myself just like I had always done. Up until recently...
I was always afraid to experiment with it. Believe me when I said that even out-of-context, I couldn't get myself to even try on cross-dressing, even just for theater 😳. It gave off this weird feeling, and I was afraid of it. This had nothing to do with outsider pressure, just with me being uncomfortable with myself.
And uncomfortable with myself I was; I couldn't care less about what I looked like, I was never going to date anyway (la la aromantic 😛) so I just did the minimum effort possible. I hated how that made me look kinda like a neckbeard, but hey, I hated myself enough anyways!
Yet this "liking my internet personality" has done something to me. I started to at least care what my fursona looked like. I wanted her to look cute, mature yet childish at time, have the long hair that I've never been able to naturally grow, and embrace the pink that I was always afraid to admit liking.
Anyways, just a few days before I published that poll, I decided to not give a fuck anymore, and bought makeup (https://twitter.com/CarolineHusky/s.....77066102837248). I live on my own anyways, and have the camera shut off for work, so the only ones who could complain were my parents on the weekly video call (and they did (!), but of course I'm not going to tell them everything just yet 😁. This is private stuff for me). And guess what, for the first time, I kinda starting liking myself. It is a weird feeling, but I'll have to experiment with it.
That being said, to tell the truth always had a bit of this phantom-limb feeling so commonly associated with trans-gender people (especially in bed!); and *at least* hating my inability to shave to baby-smooth and not having hair long enough. It just was never enough to really get desperate; I just got a sort of I-don't-carisme of my own body image out of it that persisted to this day.
The thing is, just like I completely fail to act "stereotypically male", when kinda cross-dressing I got this force from myself to act "stereotypically female". I don't think that is healthy either. I should just act like myself; but even outside of fantasies I just wish my IRL me just was a bit more cute! Still, I got some feminine feelings out of it now that I never could have wished expressing before, and if only I could actually stop thinking of myself like a "creep" maybe I can explore how I can actually become more in peace with myself.
Just two more words: What makes this even harder is this over-sexualisation of both females, and males in drag. Like: that is very much not who I am, if female the feelings that I get is either cute (Caroline), or some stereotypical tomboyish butch lesbian (Mii). But the world is so over-sexualised at this point it makes me damn sick! I especially feel uncomfortable with the handling of "femboys" in the gay world; that is the exact opposite of how I am, and the last thing in the world that I'd like to identify with! Yep, this polarisation with femboys can make it extra though, and probably one of the other reasons I took so long to even start to experiment. If you have even vague trans feeling without wanting to be a sexualised object of desire for horny dudes... nothing wrong with wanting the lather, but I'm still very much an asexual aromantic, so that's a big no for me.
So in conclusion: despite the fact that I feel very much a trans-girl on the internet 😁 I am only in the beginning of exploring what I am IRL. Non-binary perhaps? Tom-girl is also very possible; but I definitely have always felt more behind it. Gender-fluid or agender are also a good option.
The important thing is to find out what you are comfortable with, and as long as I haven't found what that is I won't decide prematurely.
Interesting stuff... and I have no idea where I will end up, but it is good to open yourself up for things!
Don't do what I did by delaying it for years, but explore yourself as soon as it is safe to do so!
I recently ran a poll on Twitter about what other people think my gender identity is. The results were... interesting at least!
https://twitter.com/CarolineHusky/s.....79823288172544
Now, some people have pointed out (and rightly so!) that there are quite a few flaws in this poll. Besides how it would be nonsense to choose your own gender identity based on what others think (and that was not the point at all! I just was curious how I came across on the internet 😁), there was also the interesting remark that there was no option for cis-female (and the related trans-man ect...).
Now, even though I use a feminine character on the internet, at no point in history have I pretended to be biologically female. I haven't exactly advertised it either, but I've never tried to hide it.
I know there are some people who are genuinely uncomfortable with the thought of a male impersonating a female (to which I answer: that is exactly what a trans-*male* is 😁 but yeah, not everybody sees it that way) and as long as they don't actively prevent these people from doing their thing I'll just keep my distance to them.
That being said, if you are an artist who feels uncomfortable with drawing a female character for a biologically male person, just say it to me! I prefer cancelling the order over making someone feel uncomfortable.
But what is my own point of view on my own identity. To be honest, up until recent days it was kind of a non-issue. I always loved fantasising about being female; but that was exactly it, fantasy! And yet, when I joined the fandom I immediately started out with a female fursona; and not only that, but one that according to the official lore behind her backstory is trans.
The truth is that she existed way before I even heard about the furry fandom, and she always was kind of the female representation of me. Well, the female representation of back in the day. I feel more and more like I'm transitioning (get the pun? 😛) from Mii to Caroline for everyday life, yet Mii still definitely is me. Caroline is just the female side that I never even dared to explore 😳
At the very first, I still tried to reduce my feminine side to art, but it didn't take long before I decided "fuck it, I'll just do what I feel comfortable with, that is filling my text with emoji's 🥰, and doing all emotional and soft instead of even pretending to be otherwise 😁". How much better I feel myself showing my soft and fluffy side, whilst providing emotional support to those that need it 💜
However, an important distinction to make was that this was just on the internet. In real life, I just continued to hate myself just like I had always done. Up until recently...
I was always afraid to experiment with it. Believe me when I said that even out-of-context, I couldn't get myself to even try on cross-dressing, even just for theater 😳. It gave off this weird feeling, and I was afraid of it. This had nothing to do with outsider pressure, just with me being uncomfortable with myself.
And uncomfortable with myself I was; I couldn't care less about what I looked like, I was never going to date anyway (la la aromantic 😛) so I just did the minimum effort possible. I hated how that made me look kinda like a neckbeard, but hey, I hated myself enough anyways!
Yet this "liking my internet personality" has done something to me. I started to at least care what my fursona looked like. I wanted her to look cute, mature yet childish at time, have the long hair that I've never been able to naturally grow, and embrace the pink that I was always afraid to admit liking.
Anyways, just a few days before I published that poll, I decided to not give a fuck anymore, and bought makeup (https://twitter.com/CarolineHusky/s.....77066102837248). I live on my own anyways, and have the camera shut off for work, so the only ones who could complain were my parents on the weekly video call (and they did (!), but of course I'm not going to tell them everything just yet 😁. This is private stuff for me). And guess what, for the first time, I kinda starting liking myself. It is a weird feeling, but I'll have to experiment with it.
That being said, to tell the truth always had a bit of this phantom-limb feeling so commonly associated with trans-gender people (especially in bed!); and *at least* hating my inability to shave to baby-smooth and not having hair long enough. It just was never enough to really get desperate; I just got a sort of I-don't-carisme of my own body image out of it that persisted to this day.
The thing is, just like I completely fail to act "stereotypically male", when kinda cross-dressing I got this force from myself to act "stereotypically female". I don't think that is healthy either. I should just act like myself; but even outside of fantasies I just wish my IRL me just was a bit more cute! Still, I got some feminine feelings out of it now that I never could have wished expressing before, and if only I could actually stop thinking of myself like a "creep" maybe I can explore how I can actually become more in peace with myself.
Just two more words: What makes this even harder is this over-sexualisation of both females, and males in drag. Like: that is very much not who I am, if female the feelings that I get is either cute (Caroline), or some stereotypical tomboyish butch lesbian (Mii). But the world is so over-sexualised at this point it makes me damn sick! I especially feel uncomfortable with the handling of "femboys" in the gay world; that is the exact opposite of how I am, and the last thing in the world that I'd like to identify with! Yep, this polarisation with femboys can make it extra though, and probably one of the other reasons I took so long to even start to experiment. If you have even vague trans feeling without wanting to be a sexualised object of desire for horny dudes... nothing wrong with wanting the lather, but I'm still very much an asexual aromantic, so that's a big no for me.
So in conclusion: despite the fact that I feel very much a trans-girl on the internet 😁 I am only in the beginning of exploring what I am IRL. Non-binary perhaps? Tom-girl is also very possible; but I definitely have always felt more behind it. Gender-fluid or agender are also a good option.
The important thing is to find out what you are comfortable with, and as long as I haven't found what that is I won't decide prematurely.
Interesting stuff... and I have no idea where I will end up, but it is good to open yourself up for things!
Don't do what I did by delaying it for years, but explore yourself as soon as it is safe to do so!
Weird question...
General | Posted 4 years agoYou know what, I am kinda curious how I come across through the internet.
Yes, this is a weird question to ask. But those that have followed me for a while might know that I've been questioning my own gender for quite a while.
Now, don't think I'm gonna choose my gender based on a poll 😛 (that'd be stupid! Though I've seen crazier things happen).
However, I am just curious, if such a thing as gender identity actually gets reflected in, say, the way I talk, or, who knows? the kind of art that I commission.
At the end I'll reveal my own thoughts on the subject. It's been a thing that has been crossing my mind a lot since I joined the fandom; you know... with having female fursona's whilst being biologically male, for... reasons 😬
In other news, I've now grouped my submissions by folder! Let's see how long that's gonna last... 😛
Yes, this is a weird question to ask. But those that have followed me for a while might know that I've been questioning my own gender for quite a while.
https://twitter.com/CarolineHusky/status/1378679823288172544Now, don't think I'm gonna choose my gender based on a poll 😛 (that'd be stupid! Though I've seen crazier things happen).
However, I am just curious, if such a thing as gender identity actually gets reflected in, say, the way I talk, or, who knows? the kind of art that I commission.
At the end I'll reveal my own thoughts on the subject. It's been a thing that has been crossing my mind a lot since I joined the fandom; you know... with having female fursona's whilst being biologically male, for... reasons 😬
In other news, I've now grouped my submissions by folder! Let's see how long that's gonna last... 😛
Not all NSFW is porn... and MiiFox definitely isn't
General | Posted 4 years agoWarning: This post is NSFW, and not fun. Minors and fuckboys, please go away.Look up some art of Caroline instead... she is cute and wholesome, and can make your day!Not all NSFW is porn or gore. This is something that I don't think many on this horny site </sarcasm> will ever comprehend
The thing is, the original MiiFox character has been through a lot of shit. She has done things that can drive a person mad.
Yet here she stands, in this steamy mess, and nobody understands why she does not get along with it.
The thing with MiiFox as a character is that I would never commission porn or gore for her. She is not a character that's intended to turn you on, she is not a horny hot girl; she is just a weak representation of myself and my body issues, and a means for me to write horrid stories about her (that I probably won't publish)
The thing is; her porn would canonically have to be rape; and beyond the questionable legality of such a thing, it is something that I'm never ever going to commission because I'm as much disgusted by it as you should be. I prefer to keep it to unpublished texts and a few lines of backstory on here, and I'm not in the need of a visual representation of it, thank you.
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9713167/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9736581/
So for the question of "can I feature MiiFox in NSFW art", the answer is simply NO.
The same goes for Caroline, Pizza, Action, and other characters I have currently published on here (though for those that's actually cause they are more wholesome than sexual. Yes, normies, not all furry stuff is porn either!).
If you want porn, ask me first; but know I'm asexual, so I'm probably going to decline it anyways. There is a slim chance that I might get a regular NSFW character in the future; but that day hasn't come yet.
Sorry for the major turnoff... but some things just have to be said.
I'm still up for cute and wholesome art, no problem! But again, ask me first.
