As the title says a lot has changed,I will finish the okapi randomness pics because I worked hard on them but no longer feel anything for that person,I was a fool to ever fall for them and threw away a lot for them even basically let my marriage fall apart to be with them. But despite feeling the fool and probable just short of hating them I have found someone special that quickly/instantly healed any wound 'that man' caused me. this new character will be named Mr Sexy and I will post pics when I finish the character. Mr Sexy makes me feel adored,pretty,wanted, and appreciated. My heart races just thinking of him and my eyes shine where there was once pain and insecurity because of horrible words and basically just shy of being called ugly by someone I once adored. But any hoo I'm a tough wolf and don't feel any sorrow from this because it was not my loss it was his,I'd wish him well bad I wouldn't wish that pain he will cause on any girl.

I'm a little better today, work actually tried to call me in for in 8 hour shift and wanted me running back and forth between deli and bakery (fuckin dumbasss, hello was badly sick yesterday, almost thought I'd have to go to the hospital hubs thought the same). I slept most of yesterday going in and out of sleep very disoriented and then I threw up, after that I felt a little better. Hubs was all moopy cause I wanna go to my moms for at least a few days, well too bad pretty sure it was the stress between work and him that got me that sick.

I miss him, I just wanna lay my head on his shoulder. Not in a sensual way but just in a reassuring friend way. I feel so shitty I feel barley there, I'm going to my mom's tomorrow I have a ride there so that's good. I want it to be tomorrow, I want to see him again:( stupid pancakes/waffles.

Sooo now hubs is trying to say I could have been talking to my friend since Sat but when I said well the tone and way you said it made it sound like a no, well I waa trying to be sure so I didn't have it going back and forth on talking and not talking. Ok that would be a no at that time on talking then as I said then, ughhh. I was in so much pain last night my head hurt so bad I was whimpering little bits and then he wanted us to talk, my god it made me head hurt so much more, because it kept going in circles felt like beating my head against a brick wall. He wanted to know the reasons I'm wanting to go and said at one point I was like his ex Emily which pissed me off, I am not that slut. Also found out the reason he really doesn't want me to hang around my friend is cause of that fight I had with him and me telling him that night while I was still angry you were right baby, you were only trying to protect me. So now he thinks he needs to protect me, he said if not for that fight he'd probably be ok with it, on hanging out.

It depends if its just a one two day stay but it's definitely leaning towards whether or not I do pursue my friend right away or build the friendship back up more first, I'm not happy at home anymore. And the stress of not talking to my friend is tearing me apart, I almost broke the rule today so many times just to get to be happy again. I wanted to ask for his help today but forced myself to still get home on my own and suffer through this horrible pain, I'd rather go through another foot surgery then feel like this.

Told my hubby this


I don't know, I definitely didn't want to be there last night or this morning, I honestly don't think I can keep doing this, I've been trying to respect your wishes even tho I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm so depressed I don't even cry anymore I just hurt and seeing how I'm affecting you I feel even worse then normal. I don't like this at all. I would like to go to mom's even if not for more then a day or two. It's not fair to you or me being there all depressed all the time and not wanting any affection or sexual contact. We can talk more if you want later but not sure what to say other then I'm not happy anymore.

Just told hubs I do not want sexy time because it doesn't feel like it use to. That went well:/ I said I haven't really wanted much of anything lately. He said he'll stop bothering me then, I said yeah cause thats healthy. He's not too happy but I refuse to lie. I haven't said everything yet cause still thinking about it but I think I love and care for him but am not in love anymore. Things just keep going downhill and I'm stressed more times than not, I can't talk whenever I want to my dear friend I have to wait for permission then it gets taken away again and I cant work on the art I want to. I don't like existing much anymore, not that I'd do anything stupid just saying how I feel. He's trying to be romantic more but I just dont want it anymore.

Hubs and me had a very serious talk last night, I don't know if this relationship will last. He was pretty upset but understanding at the same time. I'm not happy with my life right now.

Was gonna buy some heels at debs but was pretty depressed:( god I'm so depressed every day now ever since Mon, I have an empty pain in my chest that won't go away. The lack of wanting to do anything hurts too and I don't like this I dont give a fuck attitude I've had either, it's not me. Been trying to lose myself in work lately but it's been very stressful there almost at my breaking point.

Maybe all I need is someone who can make me feel something again

I quote I want to post this on Facebook but figured hubby would get mad.

I really really miss my friend a lot I couldn't stop thinking about him all day today :'(

My hubby is being a dick and is getting on my damn nerve, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend yesterday because of him then he has the nerve to say he never forced me to and that I made a rash decision. He still wants to blame me for everything taking no responsibility.

6 more days and I get to go karaoke again,I didn't get to go yesterday for reasons I'd rather not get into on here. I'm thinking bout singing a song for a friend at karaoke next Thurs it'll be my first song and I had thought about him when I sang it on Mon,which surprised me at first cause I thought that would be a song that I'd think of this cute guy from work but I had thought of my friend instead. It's You and Me by Lifehouse, hopefully he'll be at karaoke so he can hear me sing it on Thurs:)