I have had a strange 7 years since my diagnosis. I HATE that my life is ALL ABOUT MY BI-POLAR, but how the fuck could it not be?!? It changed who i was. When I had my first episode, IN BOOTCAMP, it changed my life forever. Every major episode since has just made my life MORE STRANGE. Every year it gets stranger, and i have to let go of more of my values to reconcile my experience with my frame of mind and my beliefs. I AM SO TIRED OF BENDING. I AM TIRED OF CHANGING. I get that life is all about constant change, but i meet people every day that have ONE set of ideals for their whole lives. I have to change my fundamental beliefs to match my experiences on a yearly basis and it is EXHAUSTING. I have to convince myself that all of the self-destructive behavior i have perpetrated has been because i didn't understand myself well enough. That i didn't have a good hold on myself. That i didn't enjoy the instability. BUT I DO! I have come so fucking far from what i WANTED to be that i don't even care what i am anymore. I WANT TO BE A NUCLEAR CONTROL TECHNICIAN ABOARD A SUBMARINE IN THE US NAVY, NOT AN IMPOVERISHED BIPOLAR WITH LESS FRIENDS THAN HE CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND. I was so close to that. I have been denying it for years and blaming it on physical stuff, but the truth is i had my first episode 1,751 miles away from home, with no way to cope, and my dream died. I have had dreams since, but I AM BARELY CAPABLE OF FUNCTIONING ANYMORE. I REMEMBER when i was 18 and didn't go through symptoms on a daily basis. I remember following through with the things i said i would do. I remember holding down a job. I remember having a loving relationship with my family. I DO NOT WANT THE LAST 7 YEARS. I don't want it. It is NOT a good enough experience overall to overwrite the onset of an illness that has ROBBED me of everything i used to love about myself. NO, I DO NOT LOVE MYSELF. I love who i WAS. But that person died in Illinois of Adult On-Set Bipolar Disorder, Type II. I have seen so many things. I have experienced a good deal too. I have immersed myself in people, and art, and psychology, spirituality, social interaction, many many MANY different jobs, and i don't want it. I want to be on my second deployment docked off of Japan getting ready for shore leave. I want to be able to go home and be WELCOMED, rather than FEARED. I want to reach back, and grab that sweet young christian girl and pull her into the future with me, instead of walking away without a word because i didn't understand what was happening to me. I want to be married, with a couple bratty kids i get to spoil when i'm home, and teach them greetings in 10 languages. But I am here, an another low that i could not possibly have anticipated, with barely any friends, most of which are completely exasperated by me. I cannot rationalize WHY IN THE FUCK it should be okay to be this way when before my diagnosis i was incredible. But that's just it.... i WAS... what am i now? i'm not really sure; i can't stand to look in the mirror. deep down i kinda know. i am DISABLED. I don't want to be. This is me. I don't want it. Not at all

stolen from Colleen Mae Luthor

SINGLE OR NOT put this as your journal & see what you get

♥ = I want a relationship with you

C: = I'm falling for you

:3 = I miss you

;] = i really like you

:* = I want to kiss you

:< = I hate you

: X = I like you

O: = I like you but im in a relationship

:/ = I like you but your in a relationship

:] = You're cute

</3 = I regret leaving you

:b = We should get to know each other

;^) = We should hang out

<3 = I love you.. \o/

<:^ = i want to know you

@FT@=*stalk*

eue= You're hot

<:3 = You're a great friend

^_^ = We're friends

^.^ = We're best friends

>;3 = I want you on top

>:3 = I want on top

Where to start, where to start?!?!...

1. My bipolar is finally under proper control (ya that means I'm stable for the first time in years)

2. I found a temporary factory job using my forklift license ($12.50 an hr/ 40 hrs a week, fuck ya)

3. I have a stable place to live.

4. I miss all of you guys

5. By the way, I need a ride to the p.s. tomorrow, so if anyone wouldn't mind giving me a ride, I live in HB, only a few miles away from the party.

most of you already know that I broke up with SephrynKitteh. First time I ever broke up with anybody, so new experiences for the win i guess. It has been really hard to deal with, but I think It will be better for all parties involved when the dust settles. I'm going back to being monogamys. as for life in general, my bipolar has been acting up a lot lately, so I'm hoping i don't lose my telemarketing job. In the mean time, I've been going to classes to get a fork-lift operator's licence and will have the certification soon. Other than that, I'm just dealing with a mental breakdown and trying to use the tools available to me to avoid any collateral damage. It does feel good to only be responsible for MY OWN problems and not anyone else's. Aside from that, just to let you all know, i won't be attending this month's PS, as i think it would be too soon to see her again. See you guys next month and wish me luck with the forklift operating career choice. Peace out!

waking up one morning to find your girlfriend fucking your roomate... on top of you.

waking up in the morning and putting your warm foot into a cold, shit-filled house slipper.

starting a threesome and finishing... alone.

these are just a few things losing your job are like. feel free to add your own colorful spin.

laundromat computer again.

ok so some of you know that i have been out of work for a while and why. Either way, i recently had the single most ego-smashing experience of my young life. I walked into a baskin robins looking for work, and the manager was like "ya, if you're cool with working for $5 an hour (we're in california: minimum wage is like $8.50) you can wave a sign for me 20 hours a week." I was like cool, it's only $400 a month but what the hell, i need the money. so i show up for my first day of work and everything went cool. i came in for the next day and he was like " i went over the budget and i just don't have the money to have you out there. business is too slow." that wasn't so bad. i went about my day, putting in more applications in the surrounding area, but on my way back, standing where i had stood, holding the sign i had held, was a latino man. I... I don't even, dude.

i'm still interviewing. i missed all of you at the ps. but i got fired that day and to be honest, this shit is wearing on me.

interview tomorrow. hoping for the best.

officially hunting for work. still no home internet. the laundromat has a pay computer. a quarter gets you four minutes. i got a hair cut for my interview today. hoping to have a job by december at the latest. i miss my internet

as of 3 pm today, my mate and i are moving to a room in a different house - on a side note, this is quite an upgrade from our current diggs- and there will be no internet or cable, so i will be offline.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised. That is all.

I have had a bit of experience with both and i want to know as many people's take on the subject as possible. i want to know EXACTLY how you prefer your serious year+ primary relationships to be handled. and why. why is very important. What do you get out of polygamy that you couldn't get out of one person? have you ever had a relationship with conflicting viewpoints? did you resolve your differences?

so ya... meme XP
respond to this journal and apparently i am supposed to do the following:

1. Tell you something I'll learn about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds.
2. Tell you which color you remind me of.
3. Tell you my first memory of you.
4. Tell you what pokemon you remind me of.
5. Ask you something I've always wondered about you, and your answer has to be as vague as possible to keep the suspense.
6. Tell you my favorite thing about you.
7. Give you a weird nickname.
8. Tell you what's on my shirt right now.
9. Challenge you to post this on your journal.

Missed ceracris and sygg and nabe, but had an awesome time. wrestled with massoc a couple times. I STARTED those wrestling matches! kicked your ass you wonderful bastard. Everything hurts and I have a black eye. It. was. AWESOME.

My mate is giving me assignments so i can teach myself how to draw. I am starting with the most basic thing: tracing the human form. I will post step by step my writing assignments when they are done.

I'm sure that more than a few of my closest friends have noticed that i have been off for months. I'm not one for long-winded self-justification so i will spit it out. My bipolar got out of control about a year ago. a few months ago i got back on seroquel. last month my doctor and i were talking about side-effects and decided it would be best to switch to depacote. I am seeing shades of myself i have not seen in years. It's come to my attention that i come off like i don't like anybody. that is not the case. I just have a lot of social anxiety. I attend the PS because i love you all. to anyone i have offended, I am sorry, and to anyone i haven't yet met, I am sure the pleasure will be all mine.

Stolen from  Alessa_Smile

my results:


Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

Test
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/person.....sorder_test.mv

I am fucking STOKED about going to my first furcon. I don't know what to expect or what I'm gonna do, but Massoc and Seracris and IC and, hell, pretty much all of my favorite people will be there. FUCK YA MAN!!!

I decided today that i would start taking Poetry submissions. I want to try my hand at writing poetry upon request. I have grown rather tired of writing on the same subject matter and i would like to test my skill with the written word by writing upon request. It will be free of charge, of course. If you are interested, contact me for parameters and details.

Orange County fur with office, general sales experience looking for a job, any job, NOW!!!

I found the thumb drive that i used to store all the poems i wrote in the past 9 months. There is like ten of them. I know that's a lot, but I'm just so glad that i found them i had to share it all.

i've been doing a lot of thinking about life and how small i am and how little i matter and what my life means and how i could possibly make a difference cause the way i see it, in the multiverse there is a solar system and in that solar system is a blue and green globe and somewhere on that blue and green globe there is a landmass and on that landmass there are lots of big cities with lots of busy people with busy lives and in one of those big cities full of busy people with busy lives there is a town and in that town in one of the cities full of busy people with busy lives there is a street full of houses and in one of those houses i am sitting and writing about life and thinking how small i am and i wonder how many people are writing about thier house on thier street in their town in their city on their landmass, thinking how small they are and how little they matter and what their life means.

i am rather new to this site and i just decided to do a meme for the hell of it so ya here.
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What eye colour do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favorite and least favorite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?