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Clarity (Looking for relationship advice epilogue)
Posted 6 years agoI should start by pointing out that I am (perhaps unsurprisingly) autistic. I was still feeling stressed about my feelings for my friend in spite of my dog being finished with her radiation therapy. It felt stupid to try to move on to try to find someone else while I still have feelings for my friend, but without moving on, I will either be stuck where I am or potentially ruin a good friendship if I don't express myself in the right way. I decided to look at the situation differently. I am not sure what her feelings for me are. This has been the most difficult part, and there have been no shortage of signals from her that she may like me more than just a friend, so this line of thinking was of no help. Like most autistic people, I am not good at passively reading people, but I am actually pretty good at actively reading people if I am familiar enough with the social situation. So rather than tying to read her feelings about me (something that I am not really familiar enough with to do), I decided to read her statements about relationships. Plenty of past comments that she had made were hard to read the truth of (plenty of people lie about relationships to see how a person they are interested in responds), but one in particular stood out to me. When my dog was getting her last treatment, my friend came with me. The closest vet hospital that had the equipment needed to do the treatments was almost a 2 hour drive away from my home. Because of this, she and I spent the day in the college town where the hospital is while my dog got radiation therapy. There was very little to do in the town, so after going to the visitor center, we went to a vineyard in the area that offered wine tastings. While she was trying wines (I only had a few sips from her glass as I needed to stay sober enough to drive), the bartender was joking with the two of us. Naturally, he thought that she and I were a couple (a man and woman going to a wine tasting and drinking out of the same glass), and he commented that they do weddings. My friend pointed out to the bartender that we were just best friends (I did like the "best friend" part) and stopped by at the vineyard because we had time to kill. That got the conversation firmly planted in the realm of relationships though. In the conversation the bartender ended up flirting with both of us, which my friend and I were both amused by, and the comparison to baseball came up. My friend said "Oh, you are batting for both sides?" To which, he mimed batting first right handed and left handed saying "Yeah, I'm a switch hitter. How about you?" To which she replied, laughing and gesturing far away "I'm not even on the field."
At the time, I hadn't put much in that interaction, we were all just joking and having a good time. But today it hit me. What she said then wasn't said facetiously. Her response was immediate and spontaneous, not measured. All signs were that she was being completely honest in that reply, even if it was said in a joking way.
I love her. She may only like me, or she may even love me, but the one thing I can be certain of: She doesn't want a relationship with me, or anybody else for that matter.
Because of this, I have decided to move on. I want a relationship in my life. She doesn't. I will stay her friend, but I need to accept that she isn't going to be any more than that, and it is foolish of me to simply hope that she will change her mind.
It's a little sad, but at the same time, I feel relieved. It is a weight off of my mind and one fewer social problem to worry about.
At the time, I hadn't put much in that interaction, we were all just joking and having a good time. But today it hit me. What she said then wasn't said facetiously. Her response was immediate and spontaneous, not measured. All signs were that she was being completely honest in that reply, even if it was said in a joking way.
I love her. She may only like me, or she may even love me, but the one thing I can be certain of: She doesn't want a relationship with me, or anybody else for that matter.
Because of this, I have decided to move on. I want a relationship in my life. She doesn't. I will stay her friend, but I need to accept that she isn't going to be any more than that, and it is foolish of me to simply hope that she will change her mind.
It's a little sad, but at the same time, I feel relieved. It is a weight off of my mind and one fewer social problem to worry about.
Looking for relationship advice
Posted 6 years agoPosting this here asking for advice may be a case of the blind leading the blind, but I really need to post this somewhere where it isn't likely to be seen by the person that I am asking about. In other words, asking family/friends on facebook isn't an option.
I met a woman a few years ago while walking my dogs. Stopping by her house so my dogs could visit with her dog became a regular thing, and pretty soon we became friends. I thought about asking her out six months after meeting her but... Let's just be honest: I've never been in a relationship. Ever. I am horrible about that sort of thing. I never know what to say and am terrified of fucking things up, instead just preferring to not ask. Over time, she and I became closer friends, and I started to develop feelings for her. Eventually, not expressing my feelings became more stressful to me than the thought of what could go wrong if I asked her out, so I finally did ask her out several months ago. Her answer was not really an answer, but an evasion. She said that she had given up on love, and that she was pretty sure that she was the reason that all her relationships failed, but she hoped that we could stay friends. We have stayed friends, and even spend more time together than before. This has become difficult for me recently.
Allow me to set the stage as there are unrelated events that have made things more difficult for me recently. One of my dogs was recently diagnosed with a tumor. It is in her skull at the base of her brain. There is no way to surgically remove the tumor, though radiation therapy has a better than 50% chance of a positive result where she lives out the rest of her life normally. If untreated, she is likely to die in about half a year. That said, I love my dog, and dealing with this has been very stressful for me and made me feel unbearably lonely. This has caused a resurgence in my feelings for my friend. Every time I am hanging out with her feels wonderful, but when she leaves I feel pain and regret over not having a relationship in my life. I want to talk to her about my feelings, but she already evaded my asking her out once before. Further, I don't know how much of my feelings are really about her and how much are just side effects of my having to deal with my sick dog. All I do know is that I feel very lonely and I don't want to have to face my dog's treatment alone, and I am worried that if I tell my friend how I feel, then she will think that I am some sort of creep and say she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
What should I do? If you decide to offer advice, please give me your honest appraisal. Don't just tell me what you think I want to hear. I am not looking for one answer over any other. Every possibility I play out in my mind seems to end up with me miserable, so to me, I can't see any good answers right now. I really don't know what to do here, and I thought an outside party might be able to see things more clearly.
Edit:
Actually, I have to thank all of you already even though no one has posted a reply. Just having typed this and given it some thought made one thing clear. It would be a mistake to tell her that I have feelings for her while dealing with my dog's tumor. I said it myself: I don't know how much of those feelings are genuine and how much are triggered by the loneliness I am feeling because of what my dog is going through. As painful as it may be to go through alone, I am stuck in the place I am in. No amount of wishing will change that. I will see my dog through her treatment, then after things have settled and I know the outcome of the treatment and can put that behind me, I will decide what to do next.
I met a woman a few years ago while walking my dogs. Stopping by her house so my dogs could visit with her dog became a regular thing, and pretty soon we became friends. I thought about asking her out six months after meeting her but... Let's just be honest: I've never been in a relationship. Ever. I am horrible about that sort of thing. I never know what to say and am terrified of fucking things up, instead just preferring to not ask. Over time, she and I became closer friends, and I started to develop feelings for her. Eventually, not expressing my feelings became more stressful to me than the thought of what could go wrong if I asked her out, so I finally did ask her out several months ago. Her answer was not really an answer, but an evasion. She said that she had given up on love, and that she was pretty sure that she was the reason that all her relationships failed, but she hoped that we could stay friends. We have stayed friends, and even spend more time together than before. This has become difficult for me recently.
Allow me to set the stage as there are unrelated events that have made things more difficult for me recently. One of my dogs was recently diagnosed with a tumor. It is in her skull at the base of her brain. There is no way to surgically remove the tumor, though radiation therapy has a better than 50% chance of a positive result where she lives out the rest of her life normally. If untreated, she is likely to die in about half a year. That said, I love my dog, and dealing with this has been very stressful for me and made me feel unbearably lonely. This has caused a resurgence in my feelings for my friend. Every time I am hanging out with her feels wonderful, but when she leaves I feel pain and regret over not having a relationship in my life. I want to talk to her about my feelings, but she already evaded my asking her out once before. Further, I don't know how much of my feelings are really about her and how much are just side effects of my having to deal with my sick dog. All I do know is that I feel very lonely and I don't want to have to face my dog's treatment alone, and I am worried that if I tell my friend how I feel, then she will think that I am some sort of creep and say she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
What should I do? If you decide to offer advice, please give me your honest appraisal. Don't just tell me what you think I want to hear. I am not looking for one answer over any other. Every possibility I play out in my mind seems to end up with me miserable, so to me, I can't see any good answers right now. I really don't know what to do here, and I thought an outside party might be able to see things more clearly.
Edit:
Actually, I have to thank all of you already even though no one has posted a reply. Just having typed this and given it some thought made one thing clear. It would be a mistake to tell her that I have feelings for her while dealing with my dog's tumor. I said it myself: I don't know how much of those feelings are genuine and how much are triggered by the loneliness I am feeling because of what my dog is going through. As painful as it may be to go through alone, I am stuck in the place I am in. No amount of wishing will change that. I will see my dog through her treatment, then after things have settled and I know the outcome of the treatment and can put that behind me, I will decide what to do next.
Video games questions thing
Posted 7 years agoTaken from Zexidous.
1. Favorite game from the last 5 years?
Subnautica. Love that game.
2. Most nostalgic game?
MegaMan X
3. Game that deserves a sequel?
Okami (Okamiden doesn't count) or Muramasa the Demon Blade.
4. Game that deserves a remaster?
Meh, not really big on remasters, though I am curious about the Final Fantasy 7 remaster.
5. Favorite game series?
Final Fantasy (if it can really be called a series).
6. Favorite genre?
RPG
7. Least favorite genre?
Sports and FPS (First Person Shooters tend to give me headaches).
8. Favorite song from a game?
1000 Words from Final Fantasy X-2
9. Favorite character from a game?
Yoshi
10. Favorite ship from a game?
Huh? Ragnarok from Final Fantasy 8, I guess.
11. Favorite voice actor from a game?
LOL, John Dimaggio, though not necessarily for his video game work :).
12. Favorite cutscene?
Cut scene for 1000 words in Final Fantasy X-2
13. Favorite boss?
Really not sure. I will update this if I think of something.
14. First console?
Super NES
15. Current console or consoles?
Wii U, though I play more games on my laptop these days.
16. Console you want?
Switch
17. Place from a game that you’d like to visit?
Not sure.
18. Place from a game that you’d like to live in?
Spira from Final Fantasy X
19. Ridiculous crossover that would never happen but would be super fun?
I always thought that the God of War games were a lot like a rated "R" Zelda game. Doing a God of War/Legend of Zelda crossover might be funny/fun.
20. Book that would make a good game?
Hunger Games (the arena battle portion at least) would make an interesting horror game, but I probably wouldn't play it.
21. Show/Movie that would make a good game?
A game port of One-Punch Man could make a hilarious anti-game. Maybe it could be a good actual game if you can only play it as Saitama after you have already unlocked/completed most of the game with a different character.
22. Games you want to play?
Subnautica: Below Zero. The Last Guardian (I don't have a PS4). Numerous Switch games.
23. Have you gotten 100% completion in a game?
I have an excruciatingly hard time not getting 100% in a game. First playthrough of a game is usually direct with the main story only, but if I like a game, I will play through it again and again, getting every single side-quest and super weapon.
24. Have you cried over a game?
Yes: Okami, Final Fantasy X-2, others that slip my mind at the moment.
25. What power-up or ability would you want IRL?
Can I skip the power ups and just get an actual Chocobo?
If not, then Aeon summoning (Final Fantasy) or shapeshifting (Like Worgen and Shaman in W.O.W.).
1. Favorite game from the last 5 years?
Subnautica. Love that game.
2. Most nostalgic game?
MegaMan X
3. Game that deserves a sequel?
Okami (Okamiden doesn't count) or Muramasa the Demon Blade.
4. Game that deserves a remaster?
Meh, not really big on remasters, though I am curious about the Final Fantasy 7 remaster.
5. Favorite game series?
Final Fantasy (if it can really be called a series).
6. Favorite genre?
RPG
7. Least favorite genre?
Sports and FPS (First Person Shooters tend to give me headaches).
8. Favorite song from a game?
1000 Words from Final Fantasy X-2
9. Favorite character from a game?
Yoshi
10. Favorite ship from a game?
Huh? Ragnarok from Final Fantasy 8, I guess.
11. Favorite voice actor from a game?
LOL, John Dimaggio, though not necessarily for his video game work :).
12. Favorite cutscene?
Cut scene for 1000 words in Final Fantasy X-2
13. Favorite boss?
Really not sure. I will update this if I think of something.
14. First console?
Super NES
15. Current console or consoles?
Wii U, though I play more games on my laptop these days.
16. Console you want?
Switch
17. Place from a game that you’d like to visit?
Not sure.
18. Place from a game that you’d like to live in?
Spira from Final Fantasy X
19. Ridiculous crossover that would never happen but would be super fun?
I always thought that the God of War games were a lot like a rated "R" Zelda game. Doing a God of War/Legend of Zelda crossover might be funny/fun.
20. Book that would make a good game?
Hunger Games (the arena battle portion at least) would make an interesting horror game, but I probably wouldn't play it.
21. Show/Movie that would make a good game?
A game port of One-Punch Man could make a hilarious anti-game. Maybe it could be a good actual game if you can only play it as Saitama after you have already unlocked/completed most of the game with a different character.
22. Games you want to play?
Subnautica: Below Zero. The Last Guardian (I don't have a PS4). Numerous Switch games.
23. Have you gotten 100% completion in a game?
I have an excruciatingly hard time not getting 100% in a game. First playthrough of a game is usually direct with the main story only, but if I like a game, I will play through it again and again, getting every single side-quest and super weapon.
24. Have you cried over a game?
Yes: Okami, Final Fantasy X-2, others that slip my mind at the moment.
25. What power-up or ability would you want IRL?
Can I skip the power ups and just get an actual Chocobo?
If not, then Aeon summoning (Final Fantasy) or shapeshifting (Like Worgen and Shaman in W.O.W.).
Random Guilty/Innocent Meme
Posted 8 years agoStolen from Zexidous;
Feel free to ask about any of these if curious.
RULE 1. You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2. You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
1. Asked someone to marry you?
Innocent
2. Kissed one of your friends?
Innocent
3. Danced on a table in a bar?
Innocent
4. Ever told a lie?
Guilty
5. Had feelings for someone whom you can't have?
Guilty
6. Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Innocent
7. Kissed a picture?
Guilty
8. Slept in until 5 PM?
Innocent
9. Fallen asleep at work/school?
Innocent
10. Held a snake?
Guilty
11. Been suspended from school?
Innocent
12. Worked at a fast food chain/restaurant?
Innocent
13. Stolen something?
Innocent
14. Been fired from a job?
Guilty
15. Done something you regret?
Guilty
16. Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose?
Guilty
17. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Innocent
18. Kissed in the rain?
Innocent
19. Sat on a roof top?
Innocent
20. Kissed someone you shouldn't?
Innocent
21. Sang in the shower?
Guilty
22. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Innocent
23. Shaved your head?
Innocent
24. Slept naked?
Guilty
25. Had a boxing membership?
Innocent
26. Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Innocent
27. Been in a band?
Innocent
28. Shot a gun?
Innocent
29. Donated Blood?
Innocent
30. Eaten alligator meat?
Innocent
31. Eaten cheesecake?
Guilty
32. Still love someone you shouldn't?
Innocent
33. Have/had a tattoo?
Innocent
34. Liked someone, but will never tell who?
Innocent
35. Been too honest?
Innocent
36. Ruined a surprise?
Innocent
37. Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you can't walk afterwards?
Innocent
38. Erased someone in your friends list?
Guilty
39. Dressed in a woman's clothes (if you're a guy) or man's clothes (if you're a girl)?
Guilty
40. Joined a pageant
Innocent
41. Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?
Innocent
42. Still have communication w/ your ex?
Innocent
43. Cheated on someone?
Innocent
44. Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning?
Innocent
45. A total stranger treated you by paying your fare?
Innocent
46. Get totally angry that you cried so hard?
Innocent
47. Tried to stay away from someone for their own good?
Guilty
48. Thought about suicide?
Guilty
49. Thought about murder?
Guilty
50. How about Mass Murder?
Guilty
51. Rode in a stranger's vehicle?
Innocent
52. Stalked someone?
Innocent
53. Had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Innocent
Feel free to ask about any of these if curious.
RULE 1. You can only say Guilty or Innocent.
RULE 2. You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
1. Asked someone to marry you?
Innocent
2. Kissed one of your friends?
Innocent
3. Danced on a table in a bar?
Innocent
4. Ever told a lie?
Guilty
5. Had feelings for someone whom you can't have?
Guilty
6. Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Innocent
7. Kissed a picture?
Guilty
8. Slept in until 5 PM?
Innocent
9. Fallen asleep at work/school?
Innocent
10. Held a snake?
Guilty
11. Been suspended from school?
Innocent
12. Worked at a fast food chain/restaurant?
Innocent
13. Stolen something?
Innocent
14. Been fired from a job?
Guilty
15. Done something you regret?
Guilty
16. Laughed until something you were drinking came out of your nose?
Guilty
17. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Innocent
18. Kissed in the rain?
Innocent
19. Sat on a roof top?
Innocent
20. Kissed someone you shouldn't?
Innocent
21. Sang in the shower?
Guilty
22. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Innocent
23. Shaved your head?
Innocent
24. Slept naked?
Guilty
25. Had a boxing membership?
Innocent
26. Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Innocent
27. Been in a band?
Innocent
28. Shot a gun?
Innocent
29. Donated Blood?
Innocent
30. Eaten alligator meat?
Innocent
31. Eaten cheesecake?
Guilty
32. Still love someone you shouldn't?
Innocent
33. Have/had a tattoo?
Innocent
34. Liked someone, but will never tell who?
Innocent
35. Been too honest?
Innocent
36. Ruined a surprise?
Innocent
37. Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you can't walk afterwards?
Innocent
38. Erased someone in your friends list?
Guilty
39. Dressed in a woman's clothes (if you're a guy) or man's clothes (if you're a girl)?
Guilty
40. Joined a pageant
Innocent
41. Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?
Innocent
42. Still have communication w/ your ex?
Innocent
43. Cheated on someone?
Innocent
44. Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning?
Innocent
45. A total stranger treated you by paying your fare?
Innocent
46. Get totally angry that you cried so hard?
Innocent
47. Tried to stay away from someone for their own good?
Guilty
48. Thought about suicide?
Guilty
49. Thought about murder?
Guilty
50. How about Mass Murder?
Guilty
51. Rode in a stranger's vehicle?
Innocent
52. Stalked someone?
Innocent
53. Had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Innocent
Needing distance.
Posted 11 years agoI nuked all my submission notices and all my messages. I think I need some distance. I usually come here for an escape, but a recent heated discussion with another member on here has me thinking that now is a bad time for me. I thought I was doing okay, but apparently my Seasonal Affective Disorder is still alive and well. I am on a hair-trigger right now and I don't want to snap at anyone else, so I will be avoiding FA for the foreseeable future. When I return, I will likely nuke all my messages without reading them, so if you send me anything during that time, excuse me if I don't reply. Later.
Back again
Posted 11 years agoThough I have had access to the internet steadily for months now, I have only had my old laptop for most of that time. I just set up my old desktop computer a few weeks ago, but I haven't been using it for much as the family members that I had left it with for about 6 months got it infected with a computer virus. The virus was cleaned up, but I still don't trust it much, so have only been using it for minor things. I bought a new laptop that I could use for a multitude of things. It is now my best computer in terms of memory, speed and processing power, so I use it for everything now. Having a touch-screen is awesome, but windows 8 sucks. I've installed Blender on it, but haven't been using Blender yet as I have been working more on robotics stuff in my little free time. I bought a Lego Mindstorms set that I have been playing with. The drag and drop programming interface is not exactly what I had hoped for. To be honest, I would rather have a library of functions that control the sensors and motors and write the code myself rather than using a GUI program building tool, but I haven't found that option yet.
In FA news... I can't believe I have such a backlog of FA submissions from the people I have watched. Almost 90,000 to sift through. I can hardly put a dent in it. I went through about 500 last weekend, and this weekend it is almost up to where it was last week. Of course I have been spending a lot of time catching up on online comics that I used to read too. Still a few hundred submissions per week is an awful lot, so I may have to trim back on my watches a bit.
In art news my attempts at cosplay sculpting last fall didn't go well. I was trying to sculpt a clay hollow mask for Halloween, so I had to sculpt a base head as the base I found in the store was not full-sized. I used clay to build it up, but when the clay dried, it cracked badly, so I wasn't able to sculpt on it. I will try again this year now that I have learned some more techniques, but that probably won't be for a while. I am far more likely to do some stuff in Blender first.
In FA news... I can't believe I have such a backlog of FA submissions from the people I have watched. Almost 90,000 to sift through. I can hardly put a dent in it. I went through about 500 last weekend, and this weekend it is almost up to where it was last week. Of course I have been spending a lot of time catching up on online comics that I used to read too. Still a few hundred submissions per week is an awful lot, so I may have to trim back on my watches a bit.
In art news my attempts at cosplay sculpting last fall didn't go well. I was trying to sculpt a clay hollow mask for Halloween, so I had to sculpt a base head as the base I found in the store was not full-sized. I used clay to build it up, but when the clay dried, it cracked badly, so I wasn't able to sculpt on it. I will try again this year now that I have learned some more techniques, but that probably won't be for a while. I am far more likely to do some stuff in Blender first.
been away
Posted 12 years agoSorry to have been so quiet. I moved in june for a job. My only internet has been through the extended stay hotel where I am staying. If they monitor network traffic there is no way that I want them knowing that this is a site that I frequent. So I only started viewing fa again this week after getting a smart phone with an unlimited data plan. I wish I could tether to my laptop but evidently that is not a feature that my phone supports. I wish I had known that when I bought the phone but it will serve my needs if not my wants. I am rambling though. On the art front I only have my laptop until I can find a house to rent or buy. So for now I can't do any 3d stuff but I was planning to stop by a hobby store today to buy some clay and do some cosplay sculpting. That's all for now. Typing on this phone is a chore, so I will call this quits for now. TTFN.
Mongrels
Posted 12 years agoWatch it. Seriously. It is freaking hilarious. I've been watching on hulu and laughing my ass off. Pity that there are only 17 episodes.
Oh, so someone doesn't think this is some kind of spam:
I will be switching from Lightwave and Poser to Blender soon. I can hear you now "Why stop using software you spent well over $1000 on to move to freeware?" Answer: Even though I have a job offer pending and other employers inquiring, I want to bulk up my resume, so I was thinking of joining the blender project in my free time so I can get some cool, larger programming projects on my resume for the future in case I am ever looking for a job again. I especially want to code some parallel processing stuff. I want to parallelize some portion of blender that has yet to be parallelized so I can point and say "Yeah, I did that." So if I want to help code it, I am going to have to know how to use it and what areas need the most work.
Now go watch Mongrels. It is freaking hilarious.
Oh, so someone doesn't think this is some kind of spam:
I will be switching from Lightwave and Poser to Blender soon. I can hear you now "Why stop using software you spent well over $1000 on to move to freeware?" Answer: Even though I have a job offer pending and other employers inquiring, I want to bulk up my resume, so I was thinking of joining the blender project in my free time so I can get some cool, larger programming projects on my resume for the future in case I am ever looking for a job again. I especially want to code some parallel processing stuff. I want to parallelize some portion of blender that has yet to be parallelized so I can point and say "Yeah, I did that." So if I want to help code it, I am going to have to know how to use it and what areas need the most work.
Now go watch Mongrels. It is freaking hilarious.
Sorry for the lack of art updates
Posted 12 years agoSubject line says it. I wanted to work daily on 3d art, but I have been focused on applying for jobs and prepping for job fairs/interviews. What little time I have spent on art has been mostly in Poser, which is off-limits for FA since it is not my model that I am posing. I'll try to share some stuff soon, but realistically, unless I am offered a job on-the-spot after one of my interviews next week, the next month is going to be focused on other stuff that will help me find work. I only have enough funds in my account to cover my expenses for one more month, so I really need a job.
Art stuff. Any suggestions for the subject matter?
Posted 13 years agoFor no particular reason, I feel compelled to art. New watcher might have something to do with it, though mostly I think it is my need to feel like I am doing something productive while I wait to hear back on resumes I have sent out and jobs I have applied for. I will try to spend about an hour each day modeling stuff in Lightwave and posting the screen caps. I will probably focus on Startide Rising stuff for now, but will likely want to cut my teeth on other stuff too as I tend to take breaks in producing detailed models so that I can regain perspective and reevaluate the model with fresh eyes.
Please let me know if there is anything you would like to see, keeping in mind, it will probably not be as detailed as my crimson dragon, as I will likely only spend 2 to 4 hours on whatever is suggested unless I take a keen interest in the subject matter.
I think I will start with the suggestion Zexidous made way back when of an alien six legged dog-like creature. It's going to be unusual, that much is certain. I had made an armature for it way back when trying to model it in clay, but the wire I used wasn't heavy enough to support the weight of the clay. Now I will do it in 3D, where clay weight doesn't matter. I will be modelling things using a very different technique from my usual, so things might look a little weird initially, though this alien dog is going to be weird anyway as I want it to be really alien looking while at the same time somewhat familiar.
Please let me know if there is anything you would like to see, keeping in mind, it will probably not be as detailed as my crimson dragon, as I will likely only spend 2 to 4 hours on whatever is suggested unless I take a keen interest in the subject matter.
I think I will start with the suggestion Zexidous made way back when of an alien six legged dog-like creature. It's going to be unusual, that much is certain. I had made an armature for it way back when trying to model it in clay, but the wire I used wasn't heavy enough to support the weight of the clay. Now I will do it in 3D, where clay weight doesn't matter. I will be modelling things using a very different technique from my usual, so things might look a little weird initially, though this alien dog is going to be weird anyway as I want it to be really alien looking while at the same time somewhat familiar.
Question/poll for my watchers.
Posted 13 years agoI'm going to start working on art again within a week, I really don't have any strong compulsion as to what medium or what subject matter to work on, I just know that I want to do *something*.
Let your voice be heard: what would you like to see me do?
Sculpture
Computer 3D
Fractals
If you would like to see more than one of those, vote for them in order of preference.
If sculpture or 3D, is there something in particular that you would like to see me model?
I can't make any guarantees that I will do what you ask for, but suggestions are very welcome right now.
Let your voice be heard: what would you like to see me do?
Sculpture
Computer 3D
Fractals
If you would like to see more than one of those, vote for them in order of preference.
If sculpture or 3D, is there something in particular that you would like to see me model?
I can't make any guarantees that I will do what you ask for, but suggestions are very welcome right now.
UV textures
Posted 13 years agoIn spite of the fact that I am still finishing my thesis, which I am supposed to defend next Wednesday (A day that I can push back 1 week if I need to, but I don't really want to), I am compelled to work in Lightwave. I wanted to put UV textures on my hollowized icon to make it look more like a hollow mask. I spent about an hour playing in Lightwave and Gimp and didn't get the desired result. I am glad that I didn't. If I had, I would have felt stupid for resisting UV maps in the past and also felt like I had learned nothing, because I really didn't have to do much at all. I know I need to learn more before I get it the way I want it, but not too much. I want to do a lot more when I have the time. There is so much knowledge about Lightwave that I have picked up in the last few years that I haven't used much at all and it all seems kind of a waste to learn it then never use it again, when I am finished with my thesis, I am not planning on getting work right away. There is some money I will have available when I leave my current job (strangely, I can't touch the money while I am working at my job, but the second I leave, it is all available to me) that I want to use to take a couple months off to do other things. Lightwave is one of them. Oh, well, back to working on my thesis.
Getting to know meme
Posted 13 years agoNot really back, but still stopping by to clear out journals occasionally. Decided to do a meme I saw.
1. We all know what we call you, what about the folks at home? Whats your name?
Mike
2. How tall are you?
6'2"
3. Natural hair color? (if you can remember it)
Brown
4. What about eye color?
Hazel (green+brown)
5. What orientation are you?
Straight
6. Are you single, taken, or undecided?
single
7. What do you do in your spare time?
Watch anime, sci-fi, science and skepticism shows (Mythbusters, Bullshit, etc.), read LOTS of books (usually sci-fi, fantasy and non-fiction stuff about skepticism and science. I have read 4 novel-length books in the last two weeks)
8. What's your job?
Computer research assistant at a local university
9. What's one thing you like about yourself?
My intelligence
10. Alright, now what about something you dislike about yourself?
I'm lazy and prone to distraction.
11. What's some things your friends noticed about you when they first met you?
Don't know, I don't have many friends, and they are the ones who would know what they noticed first about me.
12. Of what faith/religion are you(if any at all?)
Not religious. I need compelling evidence before I believe claims, and when it comes to religion, I am utterly unconvinced.
13. Do you drink?
I have never understood the attraction of getting drunk, so no. I may have a single glass of wine or champagne once or twice per year.
14. Do you smoke?
No.
15. What are your fears?
Losing control to one of my metaphorical demons.
16. What are your dreams/goals?
Get a good job, save up enough money to retire in 20 years or less, and spend the rest of my life doing 3-D animation, artificial intelligence, and robotics projects I've wanted to do for years now.
17. Ever had any crushes/ex's in the past/present?
Yes. I don't know anyone who hasn't had at least a crush in their lifetime, so who would answer "No" to this question?
18. Who's your best bud?
Don't really have one. I've got some friends, but I wouldn't label any of them my best friend.
19. Alright, you got the cravin' for munchies, what'cha reachin' for?
Junior Mints.
20. Favorite drink?
1/2 caf or decaf coffee with lots of soy milk and lots of sweetener (50/50 sugar/splenda)
21. Favorite color?
Blue
22. If you had any super power, what would it be?
A silly and ridiculous question, but playing along: Teleportation or invisibility. Can't decide which. Fortunately, it is choice I will never have to make.
23. Favorite movie?
Origin: Spirits of the Past. It has a beautiful opening sequence, beautiful music, good story and good animation.
24. Least favorite food?
I'm a Vegetarian, so meat.
25. Quick! You have only one meal left before you die!!! What is it?
Really? You say I am going to die and your concern is my last meal? Ok, vegetarian fajitas (I sometimes call them Vegitas for all you DBZ fans. They are textured vegetable protein cooked with fajita marinade, liquid smoke, teriyaki sauce, chopped bell peppers, sliced mushrooms, diced tomatoes, diced onion and diced green chilies served with some soy sour cream and guacamole on warm tortillas), refried beans and Spanish rice on the side, with some mint chocolate soy ice cream for desert (I know, with the meal described I should have picked soy flan or churros for desert, but what can I say, I love chocolate and mint more than I love cinnamon).
26. What do you drive/wish you drove?
I currently drive a 2000 Chevy Lumina. I would much rather have is a mid-sized hybrid car like a hybrid Honda Civic.
27. Most disliked bug?
Ticks. I hate them making my dogs itchy and making them sick, then I have to spray my dogs with strong-smelling tick spray that gives me sinus headaches.
28. Most hated pet peeves?
Idiots in shopping stores who park their cart on one side of the aisle while standing on the other side of the aisle, effectively blocking the entire aisle until they move on. These oblivious, self-centered idiots are the most inconsiderate jerks I ever had the misfortune to shop in the same store with.
29. Dislike in life?
Wow these questions are negative. You don't ask what I like, but do ask what I dislike.
Answer: Greedy people.
30. Most annoying?
Irrational people and traffic/bad drivers. It's a perfect tie as to what's more annoying to me, so I can't pick just one.
31. Most disliked TV show?
I don't watch shows that I don't like so am ill equipped to say which show I dislike most (For example: how do I choose if I dislike American Idol more than I dislike Glee if I don't watch either of them?), so this question must be for TV masochists who enjoy watching things they dislike.
1. We all know what we call you, what about the folks at home? Whats your name?
Mike
2. How tall are you?
6'2"
3. Natural hair color? (if you can remember it)
Brown
4. What about eye color?
Hazel (green+brown)
5. What orientation are you?
Straight
6. Are you single, taken, or undecided?
single
7. What do you do in your spare time?
Watch anime, sci-fi, science and skepticism shows (Mythbusters, Bullshit, etc.), read LOTS of books (usually sci-fi, fantasy and non-fiction stuff about skepticism and science. I have read 4 novel-length books in the last two weeks)
8. What's your job?
Computer research assistant at a local university
9. What's one thing you like about yourself?
My intelligence
10. Alright, now what about something you dislike about yourself?
I'm lazy and prone to distraction.
11. What's some things your friends noticed about you when they first met you?
Don't know, I don't have many friends, and they are the ones who would know what they noticed first about me.
12. Of what faith/religion are you(if any at all?)
Not religious. I need compelling evidence before I believe claims, and when it comes to religion, I am utterly unconvinced.
13. Do you drink?
I have never understood the attraction of getting drunk, so no. I may have a single glass of wine or champagne once or twice per year.
14. Do you smoke?
No.
15. What are your fears?
Losing control to one of my metaphorical demons.
16. What are your dreams/goals?
Get a good job, save up enough money to retire in 20 years or less, and spend the rest of my life doing 3-D animation, artificial intelligence, and robotics projects I've wanted to do for years now.
17. Ever had any crushes/ex's in the past/present?
Yes. I don't know anyone who hasn't had at least a crush in their lifetime, so who would answer "No" to this question?
18. Who's your best bud?
Don't really have one. I've got some friends, but I wouldn't label any of them my best friend.
19. Alright, you got the cravin' for munchies, what'cha reachin' for?
Junior Mints.
20. Favorite drink?
1/2 caf or decaf coffee with lots of soy milk and lots of sweetener (50/50 sugar/splenda)
21. Favorite color?
Blue
22. If you had any super power, what would it be?
A silly and ridiculous question, but playing along: Teleportation or invisibility. Can't decide which. Fortunately, it is choice I will never have to make.
23. Favorite movie?
Origin: Spirits of the Past. It has a beautiful opening sequence, beautiful music, good story and good animation.
24. Least favorite food?
I'm a Vegetarian, so meat.
25. Quick! You have only one meal left before you die!!! What is it?
Really? You say I am going to die and your concern is my last meal? Ok, vegetarian fajitas (I sometimes call them Vegitas for all you DBZ fans. They are textured vegetable protein cooked with fajita marinade, liquid smoke, teriyaki sauce, chopped bell peppers, sliced mushrooms, diced tomatoes, diced onion and diced green chilies served with some soy sour cream and guacamole on warm tortillas), refried beans and Spanish rice on the side, with some mint chocolate soy ice cream for desert (I know, with the meal described I should have picked soy flan or churros for desert, but what can I say, I love chocolate and mint more than I love cinnamon).
26. What do you drive/wish you drove?
I currently drive a 2000 Chevy Lumina. I would much rather have is a mid-sized hybrid car like a hybrid Honda Civic.
27. Most disliked bug?
Ticks. I hate them making my dogs itchy and making them sick, then I have to spray my dogs with strong-smelling tick spray that gives me sinus headaches.
28. Most hated pet peeves?
Idiots in shopping stores who park their cart on one side of the aisle while standing on the other side of the aisle, effectively blocking the entire aisle until they move on. These oblivious, self-centered idiots are the most inconsiderate jerks I ever had the misfortune to shop in the same store with.
29. Dislike in life?
Wow these questions are negative. You don't ask what I like, but do ask what I dislike.
Answer: Greedy people.
30. Most annoying?
Irrational people and traffic/bad drivers. It's a perfect tie as to what's more annoying to me, so I can't pick just one.
31. Most disliked TV show?
I don't watch shows that I don't like so am ill equipped to say which show I dislike most (For example: how do I choose if I dislike American Idol more than I dislike Glee if I don't watch either of them?), so this question must be for TV masochists who enjoy watching things they dislike.
Taking a break from internets
Posted 13 years agoI need to focus on finishing my thesis, so I am taking a break from here for a few weeks. When I come back, I will have time for arts, so I may be able to do stuff for here. Until then, so long everybody.
New avatar
Posted 13 years agoPosted new avatar for myself, I thought it was more fitting than the hollow dog avatar I had made when I am not feeling well. If you know Bleach, the reference should be obvious, though the meaning may escape you if you don't know me too well. A hint, no, I didn't do it because I think hollowized Ichigo is cool. Quite the contrary, I hate the hollowized Ichigo, yet still I am drawn to and relate to it.
The art of self repair
Posted 14 years ago1) It starts with realizing that you are broken. You can't fix something if you don't know it is broken.
2) You then need to stop letting your ego run the show. Let go of it. Thinking "If I don't do something about (insert thing that you see as a problem), who will?" is your ego talking. You aren't that important. The world does not pivot on your actions. If worrying about that problem is making you sick, let go. It isn't your problem and it isn't your responsibility. Do the small things that you can, but don't expect yourself to solve these things alone. You cannot shoulder the burden of the worlds problems single-handedly.
3) Let go of holding in your emotions all the time. You can't be afraid of feeling sad, angry, etc. Suppressing what you want to feel will only frustrate you in the long-run and add more stress to your life. Don't be afraid to listen to a song/ watch a movie/ read a book that makes you cry. If that is what you want to do, just feel that and enjoy the release.
4) Let go of your fear of what other people think of you. Stop telling yourself "I don't care what other people think of me." while simultaneously expecting people to accept you for who you are. The two ideas are fundamentally opposed. Just stop caring if people will accept you or not. If other people have a problem with some facet of your personality, unless you also believe that that facet of your personality is a problem, then there is nothing you can do about it. What other people say, do, and think is not a problem you can fix (See step 2). You need to accept that that is a problem that you are not going to fix and it is not your responsibility to fix, and let go of it.
I'll add more steps as I find them for myself. To say the least, I have realized a lot about myself in the last few days and have built off of those realizations to change myself into a happier and more functional person. It's still a work in progress (I wouldn't say that I have changed my true name yet), but it is progress.
2) You then need to stop letting your ego run the show. Let go of it. Thinking "If I don't do something about (insert thing that you see as a problem), who will?" is your ego talking. You aren't that important. The world does not pivot on your actions. If worrying about that problem is making you sick, let go. It isn't your problem and it isn't your responsibility. Do the small things that you can, but don't expect yourself to solve these things alone. You cannot shoulder the burden of the worlds problems single-handedly.
3) Let go of holding in your emotions all the time. You can't be afraid of feeling sad, angry, etc. Suppressing what you want to feel will only frustrate you in the long-run and add more stress to your life. Don't be afraid to listen to a song/ watch a movie/ read a book that makes you cry. If that is what you want to do, just feel that and enjoy the release.
4) Let go of your fear of what other people think of you. Stop telling yourself "I don't care what other people think of me." while simultaneously expecting people to accept you for who you are. The two ideas are fundamentally opposed. Just stop caring if people will accept you or not. If other people have a problem with some facet of your personality, unless you also believe that that facet of your personality is a problem, then there is nothing you can do about it. What other people say, do, and think is not a problem you can fix (See step 2). You need to accept that that is a problem that you are not going to fix and it is not your responsibility to fix, and let go of it.
I'll add more steps as I find them for myself. To say the least, I have realized a lot about myself in the last few days and have built off of those realizations to change myself into a happier and more functional person. It's still a work in progress (I wouldn't say that I have changed my true name yet), but it is progress.
News (school/job related)
Posted 14 years agoI was unable to complete my thesis on time to defend this semester. This means finishing in the Spring. I am disappointed in myself, but realistically, I was really trying to do it in only one semester (I picked my topic very late), which was unrealistic to begin with, especially considering the scope of it (it's my own fault for wanting to do an interesting thesis topic that really would have been a good topic for a doctoral dissertation). I'll be done with it in January or February I am sure, but that means that I probably won't have the time that I thought that I was going to have in December. Moreover, the research group that I was working for has agreed to try and fund me for my research assistant job the additional semester, meaning I will still have work January through May. I don't want to. I want a break from it all, but realistically, I am not going to get such a break until I have my own place to live, which means getting a better job, which isn't going to happen until I finish my thesis. It's not going to happen in the spring, so I may as well aim for May as having a job at least will make my life less stressful while I search for employment. I am planning a week long vacation for myself, possibly for the week after spring break (to avoid crowds). I am thinking of going camping and other stuff. Something that won't cost a lot of money, will allow me to relax, and will take me away from everything that has been stressing me. I just need to think of a way that I can safely take my dogs along with me. I wouldn't want to go without them.
I'll still try to do some art stuff after the work for my thesis is done, which I hope to have done by the end of the December. I will have more free time and feel less stressed. Just don't expect much until then. I may do a holiday card like I have in the past if anything, but not much else in the next month or two.
I'll still try to do some art stuff after the work for my thesis is done, which I hope to have done by the end of the December. I will have more free time and feel less stressed. Just don't expect much until then. I may do a holiday card like I have in the past if anything, but not much else in the next month or two.
Still here.
Posted 14 years agoOne of my watchers has expressed curiosity as to where I had vanished to. I did leave FA for a couple months, but I came back (my updated favorites will testify to my return). I really haven't had much time for FA still. I have 23000+ submissions to sort through still and have mostly been nuking journals. I know I haven't produced anything art-wise or even journal-wise in several months. For those of you who read my last journal before I had deleted it, a friend of my brother's had found the missing Lightwave hardware key a couple weeks ago (I am not about to apologize for thinking my brother sold the hardware key, he did lose it and swore that he never even took the key, so suspicion was very justified even if my suspicions were wrong). I am eager to make some stuff in Lightwave again, but I have my thesis that I need to defend in less than four weeks and lots of work to do leading up to it, so not yet, but I may get something up in time for Christmas. I am really not likely (and don't really want) to get a job immediately after completing my Master's, so I will likely have at least some time to work on art in December through ??????. I will likely do some clay work in addition to the Lightwave stuff. I want to switch up my style a little, so I think it may help if I do some work in other media in-between Lightwave efforts and clay has definitely been my best success in other media.
