Greatly exaggerated. Still alive. In Florida now. Moved down a few years ago. Still work at Best Buy. Nothing interesting happens.

WHO HAS EDF 4.1 ON PC!? I AM GETTING LONELY!

So I noticed that some people on various platforms have removed me. I figured I should put this up as a kind of cover all, a thing that everyone should know about me.

I often don't talk too much, I keep things to myself. That's just how I am. The people I love, the people I care about, I don't talk to them every day. There is a quite simple reason that I don't. I don't have anything interesting to say. Simply put, I find the humdrum statements, "oh I'm fine, how are you?", "Hanging in there" and all that rather boring and annoying to keep hearing every single day.

This is the same reason I lost my first girlfriend. Granted, I was a stupid teenager (Yeah I had my first girlfriend at age 17 shut up.) and I didn't want to bug her with the boring stuff. "Oh I went to school, yeah that's about it" makes for a short conversation.

So what about now? Well, all I do is work, and that makes for an even shorter conversation. I work a lot and want to relax when I get home. A few of you come to me to RP, that's all well and good, but I need to be in the mood, and with this my muse has come back.

I'm sorry for not talking much. I just don't want to annoy you. I still care about you. I'm still your friend.

I'm reminded of something that I heard on a youtube video from ZeFrank. "Let me think about the people who I care about the most, and how when they fail or disappoint me... I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." I will always care about you, no matter what. Just because I don't talk to you, doesn't mean I forgot about you.

TL:DR - I'm sorry for not talking to you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYlCVwxoL_g

"And god let me enjoy this. Life isn’t just a sequence of waiting for things to be done."

I don't know how to feel about this... On one hand, they actually have Mike Tyson, Norm McDonald and all that. On the other, it makes me with I had some LSD.

http://youtu.be/P58WJ-4PxcU

So yeah, time to go back into debt. Dammit Gaben.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5481482/

Oh you didn't know I had a master? Well I do, and he is awesome.  Shark-butt 's roof collapsed. And he is an AWESOME artist. So go do things!

I have been an agent in Ingress for quite some time. I was wondering if there was anyone else who knows what it is.

http://www.ingress.com/

Check it out, its quite fun. I'm a member of the enlightened, hoping to use the XM to benefit mankind.

Did you know that Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo is a grammatically correct sentence!?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffal.....uffalo_buffalo

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_.....pect-arrested/

This occurred at a Home Depot around 20 minutes from my home. I work retail at Best Buy. This worries me greatly. A coordinated attack could bring the area to its knees. A strike of this caliber on a day like Black Friday could be devastating... I hate to say it but I am kind of scared to go to work.

Still scary as hell, especially since its so close to home.

I had a great idea for a story. Expect Chapter 1 soon.

Now I got a copy of the records from the hospital, saying that I have "Depression and suicidal ideation."

I intended to work for the FBI at some point in my life, but now because of a... little girl, my chances may have been screwed. I wonder if she realizes that she caused so much trouble for me.

Also, it feels like I have wasted a year of my life on love... Fuck love. I'm tired of getting thrown around and treated like shit. I am not going to love again. Fuck it. I can't trust anyone, not even my closest friends. (No offense.)

My dear friend, N (Name changed to protect identity) decides to call the police on me, fearing for my safety. Now N has known me for about a year and knows that I am full of piss and vinegar. I had threatened to hurt myself. Now, all of you know that I am WAY too much of a pussy (And way too much fun :D) to do that to myself.

I am upstate near Albany, hanging with  Hailfire. I recieve a call at around 0230, from my parents, distraught that the police were summoned to my home. So I spoke with them, saying that it was an arguement with N that had gotten out of hand. I thought I was done with it but the police in Albany came up to Hail's house. I was asked to come with them to the hospital and have a psych evaluation and hang out in the crisis ward. Yay...

Anyway, that happened. And I hold one card that can ruin N. I will not use it out of respect. I learned a very valuable lesson from this experience. "Love is a word, it doesn't mean shit. You can share everything with someone, and all you can do is pray that he/she doesn't stab you in the back."

Love is giving someone the power to hurt you greatly and just hoping they don't. I'm done with love for now.

Note: I am not upset with Hailsy, :P. I am much more disappointed in N.

Well, my mother has discovered that I am a furry and she does not like it one bit. She doesn't want me doing this and I need to... It is different and I am enjoying it. I am finally happy and comfortable. How can I make this all work?

How do you want to be addressed?
Cyrano, Bees

Gender?
Male

Age?
21

What do you look like?
Long hair... I might bring a suit. Blond, blue eyes, glasses. I will have my Ivankesh bag with me

Where/how can I find you?
Places, Might be hanging out at the bar or at the game room

How are you getting there?
Flying

What hotel are you staying at?
I think the main

Which days will you be attending?
All

Do you do requests?
Depends, I might write or sing for ya!

Do you do trades?
I don't play the stock game

Do you do commissions?
Would love to try and do a writing job.

Will you have prints, CDs, or merchandise?
Negative

Will you have Art in the Art Show?
No

Who will you be with?
 Demon2fox

What is your main purpose for attending?
Seeing friends, vacation, etc.

Can I talk to you?
Of course!

Can I take pictures with you?
Yes, I am not very photogenic though

Can I touch/hug/cuddle you?
Depends on my mood, ask beforehand.

Can I hang out with you?
Please do, I love company.

Do you go to parties?
Love to, drinking too.

Do you fursuit/costume?
Beyond a tail and ears, no.

Anything else?
If anyone knows a good maker for a tail, let me know I am in the market for a new one. Orange husky tail.

http://www.daz3d.com/i/3d/free-3d-s.....ue&cjref=1

I am dead serious, free 3D MODELING SOFTWARE!

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3322421/

Q: Where are you staying?
A: Main Hotel

Q: When will you be arriving and leaving?
A: Thursday Afternoon and leaving early morning

Q: Who will you be rooming with?
A:  dmk  avalon487  Demon2Fox

Q: What/where will you be eating?
A: Stuff and places

Q: Will you be having a room party?
A: Probably not, but I will be following

Q: Will you be drinking and/or getting drunk?
A: Of course

PERSONAL STUFF:

Q: What is your gender?
A: Male

Q: How tall are you?
A: 6'2"

Q: If I approach you, will you chat with me?
A: Yup EVEN HUG YA!!! just remeber B.O is a NO NO

Q: If I see you, how should I get your attention?
A: Say my name, Cyrano or Ivan or Alex.

Q: How many furry conventions have you attended?
A: FF '11 FAU 11

Q: Do you own a fursuit?
A: God no. I wouldn't waste my money on that.

PERMISSIONS:

Q: Can I hug or snuggle with you?
A: Hug, yes. Snuggle, maybe.

Q: How can I find you?
A: Watch out of the loud one. Or just run around hollering for Cyrano

Q: Can I buy you drinks?
A: 'Course! The more inebriated I am, the more fun werewolf becomes.

Q: Can I take your picture?
A: Possible, it depends on how I feel/look.

MISCELLANEOUS:

Q: What's your goal for the con this year?
A: Vacation and stuff.

And now the realization. I realized that Cyrano's last name, Castiner, might have come from Emil Castagnier. See the similarities?

Yay. Time to write.

I have no idea what this is really... But cool anyway, I think its a mishmash of characters.
Top - http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2865757/
Bottom - http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2865748/

How to find me:
Look for a dragsku, run around yelling: "IVAN" or "CYRANO" or "BEES!"
Or message me: 631-827-1652
Or use the contact info on my userpage!

I usually don't answer the phone because 90% of the time its an ass-dial.

Since I am going to be taking Ivan's fursona with me, questions will be answered as such.
Where are you staying?:
Main Hotel.

How are you getting there?:
Taking ferry over then driving

What day are you getting there?:
Thursday Night around 7.

How long are you going?:
Thursday-Monday (checking out)

Who will you be with?:
 Demon2Fox  PistolKiss  CrowChimera42 and Demon2fox's pet

What is your gender?:
Male

How old are you?:
22

How tall are you?:
6' 2"

What suits will you have?:
I see no reason to waste money on the suits. I will be wearing a set of ears, or if Cyrano wants to come, ears and a tail.

Can I touch you?:
Dealt with on a case by case basis

Can I talk to you?:
Sure, I may sound like a dick, but I am unusually friendly

Can I take pictures with you?
Yeah, I am not that photogenic though.

Are you nice?:
Nice is defined differently for every person. I like to think I am, though I am kind of a dick.

Are you cliquey?:
God no.

Can I stalk you?
If I catch you sneaking around and taking picture of me or my friends, I will end you.

Can I buy you lots of drinks?:
Yesh but I need to be present when you buy them Or have them unopened. Im a picky drinker

Can I hug or snuggle you?:
I accept hugs, nuzzles, and maybe cuddles if you desire so.

I do not do much dancing sadly. My mind attempts to dissect my actions and... yeah it doesn't work to well.

Do you do trades?:
Im not an artist T.T

Do you have an artist table?:
No, I am a writer.

Do you like parties?:
Sure, drinking? I am in

What should I not do around you?:
Be a dick.

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Yell IVANKESH, or BEES! Poking also works.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2785276/

He is a nice guy, quite skilled.

Just randomly occurred to me while I was doing some coursework.

I wish to go back in time and elaborate a bit. I do not want any pity. I just wish to get this off my chest.

I met a girl way back when, I think it was in December of 2009. This was before I came out as a furry. I had kept it hidden for quite some time and Lapris broke me out of my shell. The first day I met her, I asked her if she wanted me to try and crack her PSP. We got to talking and later on, we were watching youtube videos on my laptop. I was standing next to her and she reached over, grabbed onto my leg and said. "You're my new boytoy." I never heard anyone say that to me before so I was confused and nervous. But 2 days later, on December 10th 2009, she comes in with cat ears, a tail and a collar. I was in shock and immediately fell in love. It turned out that we lived in the same town and she offered to help me get home one night. I said that I think I fell in love with her. She smiled and gave me a kiss. She pulled over, we talked and I fell even more in love with her.

Everything was going great. I was in love. I finally felt like I wasn't going to die alone. Then, 9 months later, my cousin passed away. I was devastated. I was in the car, with my mother headed to petsmart to get some dog food or something. Her phone rings and I hear a scream from my aunt, saying her son had died. I was... shocked. I will never forget how well my mother handled the situation, completely calm, making all the calls and setting everything up. I will also never forget the sound of my grandmother when she heard the news. 2 days later, it hits me that he is gone. We were headed home from the grocery store and I began to cry. My mother had to run my older brother to the airport to help get my grandfather up to NY. So I dashed upstairs and called Lapris, needing someone to give me a hug. I have no idea what she was doing, but she would not come to comfort me. I begged, I pleaded, but she simply said, "Go to your mom". I got over her actions form that day.

So the wake comes a few days later on the following Sunday, I was at work for the first one so I had to go to the one at around 8. I was messaging Lapris and she breaks up with me. I had to grit my teeth so I could get somewhere and cry. I held it in as long as I could and dashed to the bathroom. I began to cry, called my mom, and just kept crying. The girl I thought I was going to marry, the girl who I loved more than anything in the world left me. Her reason was because I was putting too much emotional stress on her. Well great timing bitch. Anyway, after a few minutes I compose myself, go out of the bathroom and explain the situation to my manager, still trying my hardest to hold back more tears. I had to go inform the floor leader and every time I tried to talk to him, he gave me a customer to deal with. My brother came by and picked me up, I told the manager that I was leaving, she said it was okay.

I was numb, completely numb. I was broken and back to where I was before, the dark and empty pit where I knew the future, I was going to die alone. So, I cried for the rest of the night, my heart completely fractured, praying just to die, just for a bit of relief from all this shit. I eventually got up the courage to call her again. I told her straight out, that I will NEVER forgive her for what she did to me and I asked her to come over. I know what you are all saying, "Why are you even talking to her?". I don't think I will ever know the reason. All I know is that she was important to me and I needed someone. I suppose that I am holding out hope. I trick myself by saying that the bible says to forgive others, by saying that she deserves a second chance. But to this day, I still consider her my closest friend. It was just rushed, we dived into a relationship and that was a bad idea.

Anyway, things continue. We go to FAU4, and of course, I still had it in my mind that she was the one, that I was going to have kids with her and grow old with her. She drinks some and has a one night stand. Of course I hear this through one of my closest friends. And I am furious. I know we weren't dating, but I had high hopes for her and she just dashed them to the ground. So I have a complete breakdown, she destroyed me again.

Before the summer began, I got back into SL. I met a sweet little Fennec fox, we became fast friends and were mated. I portray myself as a gentleman and for some reason, everyone wanted me. I was torn on what to do, if I stay with the fennec, I make others upset, if I leave the fennec, I make her and others upset but someone happy. Suffice it to say, after a bit of my own stupidity, I am still with my sweet little fox.

Well, now to today. I am still single. Every day, I destroy my walls and rebuild, numbing my heart more and more, until I can feel nothing and truly be invincible. So I can deal with her, so I can deal with the eventual death of my father from 16 years of Multiple Sclerosis, and other hardships. I share my emotions with only a select few, (Heh, End of May just started... Such a nice song) for fear that I may push them away and lose them like I did with Lapris. I lost another relative a few months ago, and I felt nothing, which means I am on the right track.

I have no idea why I made this journal allowing for this catharsis. I only pray that someone will learn form my mistakes. I am chugging along in life. I only offer a few statements that kept me going somehow.

Dissidia Duodecim
Emperor Mateus - What will an insect like you do?
Firion - Believe in the future and persist in the present, that's what I'll do.

Medal of Honor flavor text - Unrefined love can cause misunderstandings. It's okay... You're love will shine through.

Theater ticket flavor text - The ability to accept fate and shoulder that burden alone attracts others.

Fanatic's Leer flavor text - The past is filled with pain and suffering, but all is well if you have fun living

Lone Heart flavor text - Accept hatred and regret as you proceed forth. All paths lead to the future.

Despite all the shit she has put me through, I still care deeply about her. I could not imagine my life without her.