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Two Stories of Mine on the Voice of Dog Podcast
Posted 5 years ago"Of His Flesh The Mystery Sing":
An inquiry into manners, philosophy, & the meaning of life that somehow ended up rated 18+. Yes, the author is just as confused as you are.
https://anchor.fm/the-voice-of-dog/.....gger-18-ec03k5
"Colour Me Terrified":
Chase, intending to drown his sorrows in alcohol, finds the drink is more psychoactive than he expected. And then the monster appears.
https://anchor.fm/the-voice-of-dog/.....gger-18-eci75g
An inquiry into manners, philosophy, & the meaning of life that somehow ended up rated 18+. Yes, the author is just as confused as you are.
https://anchor.fm/the-voice-of-dog/.....gger-18-ec03k5
"Colour Me Terrified":
Chase, intending to drown his sorrows in alcohol, finds the drink is more psychoactive than he expected. And then the monster appears.
https://anchor.fm/the-voice-of-dog/.....gger-18-eci75g
10's in review
Posted 5 years agoRelationships
I began this decade in a relationship with a boy who I still consider one of the best people I’ve ever met. Determined, intelligent, compassionate…
Personality-wise, he had so much that I adored. But I chafed in the relationship. When I was young and started the relationship, I thought that the parts of me that required kink and poly were options. Nice to have.
Instead, I learned they were fundamental needs of mine. And that I didn’t feel fulfilled without them.
I brought that up to him, but it was not a journey he was willing to go on with me. I remember, our last weekend together, I brought it up three times. The first time he told me that he didn't believe me, despite the fact that I had brought it up many times before. I tried again, telling him that I was being serious, and that this was really important to me, and he responded, "No, I'm a feminist." I tried again, with sources that show that feminism is not incompatible with kink, and he said, "I just don't trust you enough."
And so, I ended that relationship. One of my greatest regrets is losing him as a friend; to this day, I often see things and think, “X would like this. I wish I could share it with him”
I decided that I needed a power exchange relationship, and I needed a poly relationship.
I found both in a pup from the US. But this ended up going wrong.
Experiencing my first real, long-term power exchange relationship, I fell hard. I experienced emotional intensity that was incredible. And committed wholly to my role: that of the benevolent protector and guardian.
And I overlooked a lot of red flags, being that protector. When he visited and spent $1000 of my money a month on McDonald’s, I said, “Well, he’s used to working full time; if that’s what he wants to spend his money on when he’s working, he can.” Of course, what I should have been paying attention to is his ability to give back. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, and worked. He stayed home, watching YouTube. I thought, “Well, he’s not very good at cleaning; but to be fair, I was also bad at cleaning at that age. When he works we can hire a cleaner.”
What I missed was that, well, what did he want to give back to me? How did he want to make my life easier? What effort did he put into the relationship?
I put in the financial labour, the emotional labour, and the home labour.
Instead of contributing, he would have blowups when things got difficult. When he had to walk. When he hadn’t eaten (which was often; he almost never ate breakfast or lunch, and would get really angry when hungry). I believed my role as Dom was to help him grow. To take care of him. And clearly he had moved up here, so he was committed to me; I just needed to help remove the obstacles from his way.
But his outbursts got worse. He screamed at me because I was playing a video game when he got home and didn’t greet him. He screamed at me because I cooked pizza rolls for him after work, but didn’t tell him how to eat the pizza rolls. He screamed at me and insulted me for 2 hours when I was an hour late getting home.
And as his outbursts got more frequent, it became harder and harder to be a Dom. It became harder to communicate anything to him; I was too afraid of setting him off. And then, of course, he became angry because I wasn't communicating enough.
And I had bought him a car, and moved to a new house, in part, so he could have more space (he always thought my condo was tiny) and a parking spot. He decided he wanted a new car, so he could drive for Uber. I co-signed, put down the deposit, and paid for the first two months while he sorted out the paperwork for Uber… and then, finally, he made the his first complete car payment.
It was his only complete car payment. He ended up driving about 5 hours a week. He didn’t even drive enough to cover his living expenses, let alone his car payments and his share of the mortgage. And he had me buy him a piano, his CPAP, season tickets to the National Arts Centre, take him on trips, pay for car repairs when he hit a pillar, all the while saying that he'll drive more next week….
I was losing about $2000 a month to him, while he continued ordering $1000 McDonald’s a month (mostly from his mother). I was quickly sliding into bankrupcy, my lines of credit were maxed out, and the bank was rumbling that it was going to foreclose on my home. Then, as I considered how to tell him that I needed him to drive more, he asked if it was OK if he didn’t drive at all during his show. I said OK, so long as he drove extra after to pay me back because bills really needed to be paid and I was, as I had told him several times before, on the brink of financial insolvency. And he… was insulted. He screamed at me that I wasn’t treating his art like a real job, and I was being a horrible person.
That’s when I finally realised it was never going to get better. I had always believed that, one more hurdle and the problems would be resolved. But in the end, he just was not committed to being a responsible adult. I was cleaning up after him, cooking for him, paying his bills, and taking the brunt of his bad mental health.
And I had to either break up with him or go homeless.
It was hard. And it’s still hard.
But as much as the relationship was abusive, I don’t believe he’s a bad person.
I believe his own mental health really prevented him from seeing how financially irresponsible he was being, and how he was affecting my own mental health.
He could have tried to screw me over a lot more than he has, post-breakup. His name is on the title of my house. We’re married. He could have taken more from me, if he had chosen to.
Of course, after 4 years of scrimping and saving every penny I could, I ended up 45k in debt. He took enough.
But now… now I have three boyfriends who do whatever they can to make my life better. My kitten, Stephane. My pup, Dagda. And my pup, Kale. They all depend on me, yet take care of themselves. And work to make my life better. And I want to do everything I can to take care of them. I depend upon them so much, and can't imagine my life without them.
I’ve got so much love in my heart, and I want to be the best Alpha I can to every one of them.
I’ve met so many other great, wonderful furs who’ve got my love, too.
racoon-racoon is amazing and wonderful, and I can’t wait to go on so many adventures with him. I’m really lucky to have met him, and I’m so proud of him for the amazing journey he’s on. 
jurianchibo, my son, is sweet and wonderful. I always enjoy seeing him and, even though weekly D&D nights are a bit much for my busy self, I look forward to hearing his voice every week. 
rhyslion and 
thefiddlecat are both amazing, and I’m planning on taking a trip down to visit both of them soon. 
diastakumi is wonderful, and while I don’t see them nearly as often as I’d like, it’s always a joy when I do.
And I’ve got so many other great friends who aren’t in the fandom, too. I’m blessed with people who return the love I give.
Art
I began this decade in a bit of an art funk. I had never completed any big projects. I had completed several fanfiction projects, but usually of short duration. I started the 2010s with big ambitions to write several novels, and began 3 of them… but as of 2020, none are even halfway done.
I think that’s my biggest regret about this decade.
That said, 2019 has been pretty good for me. I started a novel in January, and as of the end of the year, I’m about 20 000 words in. Could be better, but could be worse, too. I’ve also become a much better visual artist, though I’m no where near the caliber of writer I am.
This coming decade, I really need to focus on making sure I build writing and arting into my daily schedule. In another decade, I’ll be in my mid-40s. I can’t wait that long; I need to start now, and commit. I need to make it a priority in my schedule, and make sure my mental health is in a good place on those days so I can devote that time to writing.
It’s through my writing I want to make the world a better place.
Health
I began the year deciding I wanted to get bigger. And so I did. Success! Though I realised as I got bigger that it was more muscle I wanted, and I had put on too much fat. Now I’m putting on more muscle and cutting the fat. I always want a belly, and I always want to be big. But just a little less big, haha.
Right now, my blood pressure is still a little too high, and my cholesterol too. I want to be around for a long time, so even though I’m great at exercising, I need to do this. More veggies, and fewer late night snacks, haha. Those are my two weaknesses.
Looking forward
Eat more veggies, do more art, keep working out, keep playing rugby as long as I can, and love with all my heart. That's my plan for the next decade.
I can't wait.
I began this decade in a relationship with a boy who I still consider one of the best people I’ve ever met. Determined, intelligent, compassionate…
Personality-wise, he had so much that I adored. But I chafed in the relationship. When I was young and started the relationship, I thought that the parts of me that required kink and poly were options. Nice to have.
Instead, I learned they were fundamental needs of mine. And that I didn’t feel fulfilled without them.
I brought that up to him, but it was not a journey he was willing to go on with me. I remember, our last weekend together, I brought it up three times. The first time he told me that he didn't believe me, despite the fact that I had brought it up many times before. I tried again, telling him that I was being serious, and that this was really important to me, and he responded, "No, I'm a feminist." I tried again, with sources that show that feminism is not incompatible with kink, and he said, "I just don't trust you enough."
And so, I ended that relationship. One of my greatest regrets is losing him as a friend; to this day, I often see things and think, “X would like this. I wish I could share it with him”
I decided that I needed a power exchange relationship, and I needed a poly relationship.
I found both in a pup from the US. But this ended up going wrong.
Experiencing my first real, long-term power exchange relationship, I fell hard. I experienced emotional intensity that was incredible. And committed wholly to my role: that of the benevolent protector and guardian.
And I overlooked a lot of red flags, being that protector. When he visited and spent $1000 of my money a month on McDonald’s, I said, “Well, he’s used to working full time; if that’s what he wants to spend his money on when he’s working, he can.” Of course, what I should have been paying attention to is his ability to give back. I cooked for him, cleaned up after him, and worked. He stayed home, watching YouTube. I thought, “Well, he’s not very good at cleaning; but to be fair, I was also bad at cleaning at that age. When he works we can hire a cleaner.”
What I missed was that, well, what did he want to give back to me? How did he want to make my life easier? What effort did he put into the relationship?
I put in the financial labour, the emotional labour, and the home labour.
Instead of contributing, he would have blowups when things got difficult. When he had to walk. When he hadn’t eaten (which was often; he almost never ate breakfast or lunch, and would get really angry when hungry). I believed my role as Dom was to help him grow. To take care of him. And clearly he had moved up here, so he was committed to me; I just needed to help remove the obstacles from his way.
But his outbursts got worse. He screamed at me because I was playing a video game when he got home and didn’t greet him. He screamed at me because I cooked pizza rolls for him after work, but didn’t tell him how to eat the pizza rolls. He screamed at me and insulted me for 2 hours when I was an hour late getting home.
And as his outbursts got more frequent, it became harder and harder to be a Dom. It became harder to communicate anything to him; I was too afraid of setting him off. And then, of course, he became angry because I wasn't communicating enough.
And I had bought him a car, and moved to a new house, in part, so he could have more space (he always thought my condo was tiny) and a parking spot. He decided he wanted a new car, so he could drive for Uber. I co-signed, put down the deposit, and paid for the first two months while he sorted out the paperwork for Uber… and then, finally, he made the his first complete car payment.
It was his only complete car payment. He ended up driving about 5 hours a week. He didn’t even drive enough to cover his living expenses, let alone his car payments and his share of the mortgage. And he had me buy him a piano, his CPAP, season tickets to the National Arts Centre, take him on trips, pay for car repairs when he hit a pillar, all the while saying that he'll drive more next week….
I was losing about $2000 a month to him, while he continued ordering $1000 McDonald’s a month (mostly from his mother). I was quickly sliding into bankrupcy, my lines of credit were maxed out, and the bank was rumbling that it was going to foreclose on my home. Then, as I considered how to tell him that I needed him to drive more, he asked if it was OK if he didn’t drive at all during his show. I said OK, so long as he drove extra after to pay me back because bills really needed to be paid and I was, as I had told him several times before, on the brink of financial insolvency. And he… was insulted. He screamed at me that I wasn’t treating his art like a real job, and I was being a horrible person.
That’s when I finally realised it was never going to get better. I had always believed that, one more hurdle and the problems would be resolved. But in the end, he just was not committed to being a responsible adult. I was cleaning up after him, cooking for him, paying his bills, and taking the brunt of his bad mental health.
And I had to either break up with him or go homeless.
It was hard. And it’s still hard.
But as much as the relationship was abusive, I don’t believe he’s a bad person.
I believe his own mental health really prevented him from seeing how financially irresponsible he was being, and how he was affecting my own mental health.
He could have tried to screw me over a lot more than he has, post-breakup. His name is on the title of my house. We’re married. He could have taken more from me, if he had chosen to.
Of course, after 4 years of scrimping and saving every penny I could, I ended up 45k in debt. He took enough.
But now… now I have three boyfriends who do whatever they can to make my life better. My kitten, Stephane. My pup, Dagda. And my pup, Kale. They all depend on me, yet take care of themselves. And work to make my life better. And I want to do everything I can to take care of them. I depend upon them so much, and can't imagine my life without them.
I’ve got so much love in my heart, and I want to be the best Alpha I can to every one of them.
I’ve met so many other great, wonderful furs who’ve got my love, too.
racoon-racoon is amazing and wonderful, and I can’t wait to go on so many adventures with him. I’m really lucky to have met him, and I’m so proud of him for the amazing journey he’s on. 
jurianchibo, my son, is sweet and wonderful. I always enjoy seeing him and, even though weekly D&D nights are a bit much for my busy self, I look forward to hearing his voice every week. 
rhyslion and 
thefiddlecat are both amazing, and I’m planning on taking a trip down to visit both of them soon. 
diastakumi is wonderful, and while I don’t see them nearly as often as I’d like, it’s always a joy when I do.And I’ve got so many other great friends who aren’t in the fandom, too. I’m blessed with people who return the love I give.
Art
I began this decade in a bit of an art funk. I had never completed any big projects. I had completed several fanfiction projects, but usually of short duration. I started the 2010s with big ambitions to write several novels, and began 3 of them… but as of 2020, none are even halfway done.
I think that’s my biggest regret about this decade.
That said, 2019 has been pretty good for me. I started a novel in January, and as of the end of the year, I’m about 20 000 words in. Could be better, but could be worse, too. I’ve also become a much better visual artist, though I’m no where near the caliber of writer I am.
This coming decade, I really need to focus on making sure I build writing and arting into my daily schedule. In another decade, I’ll be in my mid-40s. I can’t wait that long; I need to start now, and commit. I need to make it a priority in my schedule, and make sure my mental health is in a good place on those days so I can devote that time to writing.
It’s through my writing I want to make the world a better place.
Health
I began the year deciding I wanted to get bigger. And so I did. Success! Though I realised as I got bigger that it was more muscle I wanted, and I had put on too much fat. Now I’m putting on more muscle and cutting the fat. I always want a belly, and I always want to be big. But just a little less big, haha.
Right now, my blood pressure is still a little too high, and my cholesterol too. I want to be around for a long time, so even though I’m great at exercising, I need to do this. More veggies, and fewer late night snacks, haha. Those are my two weaknesses.
Looking forward
Eat more veggies, do more art, keep working out, keep playing rugby as long as I can, and love with all my heart. That's my plan for the next decade.
I can't wait.
