http://p.eagate.573.jp/game/2dx/19/.....hunderbolt.jpg

What would you all think if I changed Taren's horns to look like this?
:P

ファンタスティック。

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2921584/
Watch out for this guy at MFF and possibly other cons. Whether or not the dog actually provides a service for the owner is irrelevant when it's got such bad behavior; when stuff like this happens, security has every right to eject them both, because it's putting people and other service dogs in danger.

Service dogs don't need formal training, but are expected to behave in public and especially while working. I don't care what phony-baloney excuse you come up with for bringing your pet to MFF, there's no reason for shit like this to ever happen. You're just making people who ACTUALLY NEED a service dog look bad.

Maybe he's got the Assburgers.

I've had a bunch of people offer to throw money at me in exchange for plushies of their characters. I just wanted to make a PSA to answer them all at once:

I WILL be taking orders... after MFF (read: early December). I have some fursuit commissions to finish up, and prep for MFF, and then when I come back after Thanksgiving, I'll be ready to sew up a storm.

I know I've been doing nothing but derr-gins so far, but I did make a lion and a dog previously. Just out of curiosity, what sorts of animals should I practice making before I open up for orders?

Last night, I wrote about how the date of Athus's passing could be written in three different ways, and that math is one of the ways I deal with stress in general.

This morning, I was thinkin' 'bout numbers again, and came up with another neat (nerdy) fact.

The three ways to write the date are 101111, 111011, and 111110, which can be interpreted as binary numbers. In decimal, they are 47, 59, and 62. One of our running jokes was my attraction to prime numbers (it's a long story). The first two of these numbers are prime, and the third can be expressed as the product of two primes, 2*31.

Following that train of thought, if you write out those numbers again: 47, 59, 2×31, you'll notice that no numbers are repeated. The only digits missing are 8 and 0. If you add the original three numbers up in either hexadecimal or decimal, you'll find the 8 as the final digit.

This is especially fitting, since an eight on its side is infinity.
As for the digit 0, it never existed. His life was not for "naught". It always had value and will continue to have value forever.

Friends & family of Athus Nadorian aka Brian Dyer

On Tuesday the 11th of October 2011, Athus was involved in a severe car collision that ended his time here with us. The 29 years of his life were filled with amazing stories, incredible adventures and outstanding creativity and talent. He shared his love of life, affection for others and sense of humor with many wonderful people. In memory of Athus and his special life, his closest kin have created a website for others to share their experiences with Athus as well as share photos and artwork. An email address has been established to send your wishes in to be posted on the site athus@athusnadorian.com. Thank you for your kind words, love and support through all of this. Remember to love life, hold your friends close and have a little fun - Athus wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Please visit the site we have established www.athusnadorian.com and use the email address athus[at]athusnadorian.com to share your wishes to allow time for his closest kin to mourn peacefully.

-Friends and Family

~~~

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=29633
Narse, Athus, and me at Anthrocon 2010- Narse and Athus bought me a magazine to remind me that my birthday (6/25) is the day Michael Jackson died. Those guys NEVER stopped giving me a hard time about it. <3

I saw him for the last time the day before. I went up with Sema to their laser hair removal appointment, and stuck around for lunch at Uncle Sam's in Scottsdale. So my last memory of Athus is hanging out with him and the rest of the gang at a great restaurant eating great food having a great time.

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=29634
Part of my grieving process was making a plushie for his mom. It would be something to remember him by, you know? I put on some more mellow/somber music while I worked, just to kind of help channel it. I ended up listening to Mike Oldfield for most of the seven hours I spent on the plushie. Started with Incantations (my favorite), followed by Orchestral Hergest Ridge, Tubular Bells 2, Songs of Distant Earth, Crises. When Moonlight Shadow came up I really began to feel it. Ho boy. ("See you in heaven, one day...")

When I held it up to examine the finished product, I could feel him there looking at it with me in approval. It's like when you're standing outside on a cold night and your back is to a campfire, that was totally his presence.

Additionally, part of how I deal with anxiety and stress is by doing math. It's just a way of distracting myself from my problems. I began to play around with his date of death, and found some pretty fun meanings. Athus passed away on October 11, 2011. Using two-digit dates, that's 10-11-11, which can be interpreted as a binary number. You can arrange those pairs in three unique ways, 101111, 111011, and 111110.

Each of those three arrangements can be interpreted as an ASCII character, and I found those three in particular to be extremely interesting.

101111 binary = 2F hex = / = Usually referred to as a "slash", this character's formal name is SOLIDUS. When Athus left US, it simply reinforced the fact that our "family" is SOLID, and will continue to be in the future.

111011 binary = 3B hex = ; = The semicolon is as used as frequently as people like Athus come along: rarely. Its main purpose is to CONNECT two similar clauses into one compound idea. In this case, Athus was integral to connecting us all together.

111110 binary = 3E hex = > = The greater-than sign is used to show inequality. Indeed, this tragedy will bring us closer together and we will become a close family even GREATHER THAN before.

I'm sure he can see this and is getting the greatest kick out of it.

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus......sed_sm.jpg.jpg

Finally, that agonizing wait is over. I took my SOA (Society of Actuaries) Exam P/1 today and got the big sparkly CONGRATULATIONS on the final screen.

Hey Exile! How do you like them apples? Naw, just kidding- I really appreciate all the help you gave me over the last few months.

Yessssssss

While I'm waiting for my work's shitty network to chug along, here's a story for you all to enjoy.

Sema and I have been fostering a pregnant momma dog for about a week. The dog's temp dropped on Sunday, indicating the puppies were imminent. I had a meeting to run on Monday, but it's just a code review, it can wait, right? I decided to take the day off in case I was needed at home to help deliver.

The puppies started coming that evening and the last one was born just after midnight, so I was good and tired on Tuesday.

My boss called me in towards the end of the day to chew me out about how important our stupid little "activity planners" (read: micromanagement) were, and that I need to better prioritize my tasks. Basically, yelling at me for ranking home life above software changes.

Well, I was able to reschedule this "super important" meeting to Wednesday, and it went off without a hitch. None of the stakeholders cared that the meeting was pushed back two days.

Now here's the real kicker: this software runs an old version of "X", which is installed on a handful of decrepit machines in a lab halfway across the building. Due to compatibility issues, I must update the software in this older version. Guess what happened? The server in that room crapped out, so half of the machines are inaccessible, and the ones with X on them can't run X because the license manager went down with the server. No licenses means no worky.

I won't even get into the "vaporware" project I've been working on for nearly 2 years due to poor "prioritization" by my employer.

I'm still kinda sour about the whole situation, but realizing this irony makes it all better. It was so bad at first I had to take a xanax, but now I'm coping with it by preparing for a career change.

Current Music: "Axiom Ambient - Lost in the Translation"

I don't know why I was in such a bad mood this morning. My guess, a combination of the stupidity surrounding the "dog situation" from last night, general tiredness (yeah yeah I know I should go back on hormone therapy), and some stupid work drama. I was nearly at the point of a meltdown for pretty much the entire morning. I had a delicious lunch and then I was back down to "agiatated", and by the time I got home in the evening, I was exhausted.

I pretty much spent all morning researching aspie stuff. Hey, researching about it fascinates me. Okay, I'm a little vain too. Basically, is it wrong that I'm self-motivated? I want to do what I want, when I want. If I don't get my way, I don't cooperate. Well, that's a little exaggerated, but you get the idea. I was awesome at college, because outside of going to classes- which I didn't mind, since it wasn't mandatory- I finished my work at my pace. After two years of being gainfully employed, I still have difficulty "adjusting" to a standard work schedule. Deep down inside, I truly resent having to be somewhere 'just because'. I'm more of the "let me get my shit done and then I'm gone" attitude. There's no motivation to succeed if I'm just going to wind up "wasting" the same amount of time there, you know? My attitude probably has something to do with the fact that after two years, I have made no friends at my work and I'm actually less productive now than when I started, my vaporware project aside. Unfortunately, my delusions of a desirable workplace are just that. There's no way I could quit my job and not starve unless I won the lottery or sold sex toys to furries or something. In other words, my life goal is definitely not 'climbing the corporate ladder'- I want to be an entrepreneur, or an inventor, or business owner, something independent like that. The more eccentric the better! Good news everyone. Oh whatever, isn't that everyone's dream anyway? It'll come eventually, everything always seems to fall in line for me if I keep at it long enough.

On a slight tangent, one of the side effects of my "super powers" is that I "live in my own world" to some degree. If you've read some of my previous journals, you might know that this can lead to delusional thinking and general misconceptions about the real world. Through general maturation and moderately priced therapy, I've mostly come to terms that a lot of what I used to think wasn't exactly the gospel truth. Sometimes I do wish I could 'go back' to being completely lost in my 'fantasy world' because it felt more secure, but it really was a false sense of security! I still try to use it as a coping mechanism for the general stress of everyday life, like a mini-vacation whenever. It's just daydreaming, I guess.

One of the things I'd like to do (if I wasn't wasting all my god damn time at a job) is write more. I wrote a lot back around age 12-15, and it wasn't exactly Isaac Asimov caliber, but it was still fun as hell. Specifically, I want to write an "automythology". I just made up the word, and apparently it exists! Hooray internets. I daydream about things like Greek mythology, and the Bible, and how those works are made up of all sorts of stories and characters and themes/lessons. I think they're really cool. Over the years of exploring my own 'inner worlds', I have all of these detailed and vivid stories that I really want to share. Of course, it would all be technically fiction, but still interesting, I'd hope. I guess I don't really have a "lot" of stories, but there are lots of interesting characters and personalities. I can think of at least a dozen right off the top of my head.

I don't know, does that sound too ridiculous? :)

Reposted from  semjay because I got this email too:

POOL'S CLOSED!

Okay so it's not closed... at least not at the moment. This is an email that was sent out to everyone in my neighborhood about proper use of our Pool/Aquatic Center. Keep in mind, this is a brand new community - all new houses (some worth upwards of 350k+) and in a really good part of town (aka out in the middle of nowhere not by the city and no where near a bus stop). In other words... we don't live in the ghetto - but we still have some WEIRD SHIT happen here!!! Hahaha! Seriously! Read some of the things that HAVE happened at the pool recently! We get emails like this all the time, but most the time it's about kids pooping in the pool or people letting too many of their friends in. Uuuuh, yeah there are quite a few more things this time around, and they are all equally as awesome.



Dear Homeowners:



The Aquatic Center at ****** is a beautiful amenity. It is a place that fosters the opportunity to meet new neighbors and grow friendships all in an environment of fun water activities. In many instances, home buyers made their final decision to purchase in the community based on the availability of the Aquatic Center and all the fun-filled opportunities it provided.

Unfortunately, several situations have recently occurred at the Aquatic Center that are of concern to the Board of Directors, the management company and most importantly witnessing community members. (....) Recent examples of misuse include and are not limited to the following:



· Alcohol – this is a chronic problem. Please note that the Pool Rules explicitly indicate that no alcohol is allowed at the Aquatic Center. Homeowners should report public drinking to the police.

· Bikes/Skateboards in the Pool/Splash Pad Area – The Pool Rules prohibit these items from being in the pool/splash pad area. There are bike racks in front of the entrance.

· Large Parties – homeowners are inviting upwards of 20 - 30 guests to use the pool facility. The intent was for the facility to support fun for families and guest where the guests were limited in number. This ensures the use of the Aquatic Center by all.

· Use of Pool for a Baptism – The use of the Aquatic Center for large groups and religious functions is strictly prohibited.

· Fireworks at the Pool – The Community Association prohibits setting off fireworks in its common areas which includes the Aquatic Center and all community parks and greenbelts.

· Rough Play - a report of watermelon tossing in the swimming pool. Also, of riding bicycles off of the deck into the water.

· Leaving Trash on Deck Areas and in Restrooms – Community members and their guests are expected to clean-up after themselves. Increase trash left in the pool area not only increases the monthly fees charged by the cleaning company but also provides for the opportunity for trash to blow about the community.

· Unsupervised children defecating in the Pool and on the Restroom Floors – The Health Department REQUIRES that the pool be closed for 24-hours when such an incident occurs in the pool. In addition, there is an additional charge by the cleaning company to clean up such deliberate vandalism of the restrooms. Both incidents not only inconvenience those wishing to use the facility but also have the potential to cause increased assessments to ALL owners within the community.

· Misuse of the BBQ Area – A witness observed someone lighting the BBQ grill with WD40.

· Loud Music – The Pool Rules require that music be played at a reasonable level. There was one report of a family that brought in live music.

· The Windows of the Multi-Purpose Room Have Been Severely Scratched – They will be expensive to replace.

· Underage Children at the Facility without their Parent’s Supervision – Strictly prohibited by the Pool Rules and Regulations and in accordance with the Community’s General Liability Insurance requirements.

· Residents from Other Communities being let in to the Facility - They simply wait in the parking lot until someone (usually children) let them in. The Aquatic Center is for the strict use of community members and their invited guests. Others are not allowed to use the facility. Teens are seen climbing over the fence.

· Carving the Rubber Coating on the Picnic Tables with Sharp Objects – Such vandalism costs each owner in the form of repair and aesthetic eye sore.



Homeowners are encouraged to advise Management of the names of residents that are in violation of the Pool Rules or cause damage to the facility so that proper follow-up can be done. Residents are also encouraged to call the Police when they see trespassing or illegal activity such as public drinking. When Management receives a report of a violation of any of the Community Rules, the Association will use all means available and as outlined in the CC&RS, Bylaws and Rules and Regulations which include but are not limited to suspending the card access key for the offending homeowner and imposing fines.
Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS


My commentary:
I get emails about the damn pool every couple of weeks, and MOST of them are worded similarly, telling people to stop breaking the rules and such. The other emails I get from my HOA are about the silly "social committee" that organizes bbq's on the weekends at "2pm SHARP!!!1". Oh, and did I mention that our HOA doesn't even consist of real homeowners? It's just a management group in another state, and the closest HOA "branch office" is over 30 miles away. No wonder nobody cares, eh?

O-KAY!!

I'm trying to figure out an algorithm that will allow me to take the current social network of FA and "suggest" people to watch. But I'm running into some brick walls.

For input, I'm using the database of watches, which consists of (A,B) where A watches B. I'm trying to get out of it a list of "people that you probably know". I've tried two different algorithms, and I'm not happy with either result.

Test 1, "FOAF"/Friend of a Friend: This algorithm ranks the users you are not watching by the number of "indirect watchers", i.e. 2-degree separation, where you are watching who is watching X.

In English: who is the most popular out of the people that the people you're watching are watching?

Test 2, "You'll Also Like": This one's a little more complicated, and honestly I'm upset this one didn't work right off the bat. Let's say you're "A". This method goes through each other user in the database, which we'll call B. I calculate the number of users that both A and B watch, let's call that N. Then, for every person that B is watching that A is not, N (divided by the number of people B is watching that A is not) is added to B's "score".

In English: Find users with similar watch lists, and suggest the "missing links", especially so, the more similar the lists.

Both of these algorithms are intrinsically inefficient, but run in polynomial time. In practice, they run fairly quickly. It takes about 7-8 minutes to build the FA watch database (18 million watches and 170k users), and then a matter of seconds (if even that) to build a suggestion list for a single user.

The reason I'm unsatisfied with both of these algorithms is that it's more or less a list of the most popular artists on the site. Naturally, if 10-15% of all users with at least one watch are watching each of the top handful of artists, odds are they're going to be suggested as "people you'd probably also like".

What I'm looking for is a set of results more along the lines of "oh hey you know A and B and C, then you probably know D." and "wow, I do know D! I didn't know they had an account here". Kind of like how Twitter or Facebook do it, but slightly less creepily and with far less input data to work with.

I've looked into how big'uns Amazon and such do it, but since I don't have a rating system to weight different associations between users, it's harder to just use a binary "either you watch them or you don't" system.

If I can figure out a suitable algorithm for suggesting users to watch, I hope to extend it to "suggested art/submissions you might like". (Fun fact: as of right now, there are approximately 91 million favorites among the 172k known users)

So... does anyone have experience in the field of social network analysis and/or search suggestion algorithms? I'm open for ideas; I honestly thought I'd have it down by now! :D

Oh, and yiff yiff murr scritch blowjob, etc. There, now this post is relevant to FA. :)

If I owe you a commission from Anthrocon, listen up! Here's what's going on...

My current work log is as follows:

Take-Home Hat Orders From AC:
1. Scyer
2. Alkora
3. Noob Mutt
4. Linty
5. Dragoon Howl
6. Haniahaka
7. Wolf Pawpaw
8. Carenath
9. Jason Amora

(Apparently I only have 9, not 10- one got counted twice)

Other Orders
http://furducers.com/status.php
Eternal - Full Suit
CJ/CartoonJunkie - Tail
Rayven Wolffe - body suit
Asher Fox - Partial Suit
Sozan - Full Suit

Now on to the GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!
I want to get these orders taken care of ASAP, but most of my fabric is still in transit back from AC. I was going to start on Scyer's hat since I have some black and white fabric lying around the house, but then I saw this:

http://yfrog.com/h059dvyj

That's the foot pedal for my sewing machine. There is a little plastic triangle that broke off on the left portion. You can see that there's a little groove where it should go. I was about to start sewing, and when I noticed that the machine wasn't working when I pressed the pedal. Naturally, I shook the pedal around and heard that piece rattling around. Awesome! So right now I got some super glue setting, so hopefully that should set ok. I should have a spare around the house somewhere, in my mounds of crap. I hope it works, because a replacement foot pedal is $40+ even though a new machine is about $90. Ridiculous! Oh well, I know I can make it work :D

1. Never put your own money in the show!
2. NEVER PUT YOUR OWN MONEY IN THE SHOW!!!

I got to celebrate my birthday at Anthrocon again this year, hooray! It started out with 200+ people singing the birthday song for me at Whose Lion on Friday night, and ended with me tearing down shop on Sunday evening. Super-birthday go! I'll get to celebrate my birthday at AC for the third time in a row next year, but on the way back on Monday. Hey, it still counts! I apologize for Michael Jackson, it was an accident. Honest.

I signed up as a dealer for AC again because it's pretty much the only way I enjoy myself at a con anymore. It's just my 'thing': I'm terrible at being social and have a hard time meeting up with people and such, I don't collect art, suiting at furry cons is boring, and I don't drink or party. What's left? Yeeepppp

Ever since MFF, I've been paranoid that my crafting skill wasn't up to par, as weird as that sounds. I have had pretty much zero hat commissions outside of cons for the last year, and then abysmal sales at MFF 2010. So it definitely felt like my talent was going to waste, if that's the right way to put it.

However, I had record sales volume at AC this year. Overall, I sold 35 hat orders. 24 of those were on Friday alone. I sold 7 of those 35 as "take-home" commissions, and of the remaining 28, I completed 25 of them at the con itself. I was absolutely blown away! Everybody that came up to ask how I was doing got pretty much the same answer: "omgbusy!" And honestly, I enjoy it.

Just like last year, I stayed up all night on my birthday to work on hat commissions in the Zoo. There's something about that atmosphere that I just love. I got all set up and cranked out 10 hats between 9:45pm and 8:00am, and this was after an 8-hour day at the dealer's den. All I can say is 6am at the Zoo is a magical time. It's so bizarrely quiet...

I see a lot of my customers are just adding me on FA- thanks again to you guys, you're awesome.

I do have some regrets about AC, though- I would have liked to hang out with certain people a little bit more. There are some really cool people I know that I feel like I blew off because I was always 'in the middle of something'. Alkali (the loud obnoxious one at Whose Lion?) wasn't around as much, and I wanted to sit and nerd out with Kijani a lot more than "just before getting back on the BD Party Bus to the airport". It kinda all went by too fast... oh well. But that's what the internet is for, am I right? No con crud, but I think I just got another sinus infection, ugh.

An interesting thing happened this morning before work- as I was about to leave, instead of that usual feeling of awful dread and loathing I usually have when I accept the fact that I am about to forfeit another perfectly good day to 'work', it was replaced by an abundance of self-confidence. Who else can say "I can derive my self-esteem and a supplemental source of income from constructive hobbies outside the workplace!"? Maybe a few here, but not many at my work, I'd wager. I'm kind of stream-of-consciousness-ing here, but I'm always complaining about how boring my work is and how little of a mental challenge it provides me. If I could measure the effort I put into my work, I'd say I'm running at about 30-40% most of the time- to the point where I was forgetting that I had the 'ability to go faster'. The other 60-70% of my brain was sitting idle, or doing calculus and statistics equations on scratch paper that I'd hide under my keyboard just to exercise my mind.

When I was working on my hats, I was running at 100% and beyond, I tell you what. Coordinating orders, tracking finances, picking fabric out, dimensions, visualizing the product, and so on. Producing tanglible results and seeing how happy customers are when they receive their order is so much fun. It's really not a pace I could keep up for very long, but it was refreshing to be able to 'sprint' without having to worry about corporate bullshit and politics, just to know that I still got it in me. Ohhhh I'm rambling now.

I'm just so happy everything went well, that I wanted to share with you all, and to make a note of this, in case I forget some time.

"Leo and Max, up off our backs! We're back on top to stay!"

I'll have pictures up soon and maybe a surprise too if you're nice

http://bit.ly/lZfPfe
The only picture I've found of us so far...

Had a lot of fun and made some interesting friends. I think I want to take on the challenge of eventually getting a dealer's booth at that con. I'm nowhere near prepared for such a venue, especially since booth prices are five times as much as furry cons. One thing I plan to set up is a Tumblr account for posting merchandise pictures and such. I don't want to post stuff to DA because they have a retarded site layout, and FA submissions get lost in the flood of pr0n and MLP/Pokeymans bullshit. I'm pretty sure our weak point is marketing; nobody really 'knows' we exist... Anybody else use Tumblr? What's it like?

Fursuiting around Comicon was (once again) WAY more fun than any furry con I've ever been to. It has a completely different atmosphere any FC/AC/MFF. I almost want to say more mature and relaxed, and less serious-business-omg... I'm certain there's a darker underside to the community, but I've never been literally bombarded by people that want hugs and photos at a furry con. You can't take two steps without being stopped for pics. Stamina!!

Highlight of the day:
There was a little girl in the main convention area that was kind of afraid to come up and get a picture with me. She timidly came over, posed for her parents, and then turned to say, "You're comfortable."

(Crossposted from LJ)
While killing time in a boring meeting yesterday, I was wrestling with the problem of a suggestion algorithm for discrete sets- specifically, friend lists. It's either that or zone out and stare at the ceiling. Would anyone who reads this (as I know a lot of nerds will see this) happen to know if an algorithm like this exists already?

Assume there's a network of users (U) that can befriend each other. Each user can follow or not follow any other user, i.e. Twitter style, not Facebook style. Basically a directed graph. The problem is to calculate "suggested" friends based on a user's friend list versus the rest of the network.

Sure, it's probably been done to death, but here's what I came up with:
Let A be the list of friends of a given user in the network
Let B[i] represent another user's friend list (that is not A).
For each B[i], calculate the size of A (intersect) B[i], and call this C. This is the number of friends the two users share.
For each user NOT in A (intersect) B[i], assign them C "points". This is a weighting factor so that users with extremely similar friend groups (but may not know each other) will have a greater influence on the outcome.
Calculate the total "points" for each user and sort in descending order.

The obvious problem with this is that it has a complexity of something ridiculous like O(n^2) speed and O(n) memory. Oh well.

Here's an example:
A friends: B, C, E, F
B friends: A, C, F
C friends: A, D
D friends: B, C

Say you want to suggest a friend for D. (the x means intersection):
D x A: 2, so E and F get 2 points
D x B: 1, so A and F get 1 point
D x C: 0, so nobody gets any points.
Your result is F=3, E=2, A=1, so you recommend that D check out E. Obviously a terrible example, but that's basically how it works.

Has this been done before? I'm beginning to doubt it, due to the inefficiency and the fact that you have to know the entire network beforehand. You could potentially speed it up by restricting computations to only users with N friends in common, or only compare against friends' friend-lists. It would be interesting to attempt at least, just to see if it spits out anything useful.

And that's what I really do at work... hmm...

---

In other news... I can't believe May's almost over. I remember when it was "oh shit Cinco de Mayo is right around the corner" and now I can't even remember what day it is.

Up, work, home, TV^H^H computer, bed.

Saw this in another journal, feel like sharing stuff!
Remember: better questions get better responses. I won't even make you repost this.

Ask away!

In response to: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2243824/

I had another session with the therapist yesterday, and she asked me about what kind of responses I got from my last post regarding the whole Dya incident.

I explained that for the most part, people were very sympathetic and understanding. A number of people even reported similar experiences! It seemed that back around the early 00's was a popular time for screwing with people on the internet. There were a few people that accused me of it being my fault. While that may be true, that's not the point. That this person even encouraged this sort of behavior/activity is despicable.

My suspicion is that there was an influx of all sorts of people due to improved technology, specifically broadband Cable/DSL/ISDN internet, and this group consisted of vicious assholes and naive "newbies", and the bullies naturally sought out the newbies and hassled them. You don't see this behavior much anymore because people have learned/matured and generally approach the internet with much more caution than ten years ago. Almost as if it's a different generation of people joining today.

The therapist also agreed that this person is a total sicko and is more than likely still around, actively preying on others for fun. That's just how some people cope.

Since then, I became more well-adjusted to life in general. What I mean is, the event didn't leave me permanently scarred or debilitated or anything- I got over it and moved on. Writing that post/letter was more of a catharsis. I put the event in a shoebox up in my closet. It's still there, and I can still open the shoebox on it, but it doesn't hold any ties over me anymore.

I think I came into the fandom through the 'back door'. I'm often scolded for not knowing who certain cartoon characters are, or for having never watched certain shows or movies. You see, I'm one of those nutjobs that identifies as otherkin. Or was, I guess.

My story starts back in 1998, when I started first became fascinated in dragons. I had a handful of vivid dreams, and somehow it occurred to be that maybe I really was a dragon in a past life. I found a handful of dragon-oriented sites/chats, but the one that really attracted me was the Draconic message boards, because I was looking for some truly deep soul-searching and not just what I considered frivolous role-playing chat.

One thing I've noticed about myself is that when I'm really interested in something, I can focus on it so narrowly that I shut out everything else. I wasn't interested in talking about games or real-world events, I was 100% focused on past-life regression.

In an effort to discover as much of my story as I could, I relied on other board members on 'read me' and tell me what they saw. What this actually means is that I was believing whatever I heard without question. I was so desperate to construct and live in this fantasy world that I would have let anyone tell me anything.

Somewhere around '01 or so, this actually did start to happen. I was lonely and looking for yet another guide or mentor or help me continue building my world that, at this point, was largely based on baloney fed to me by whoever. Her name was Dyaminda, or Dya for short. For about 4 or 5 years, several times a week I would chat with her via AIM and have her read me like a psychic would, and tell me what she saw. She claimed to be a real-life physical dragon that could disguise herself as a human to blend in and get by. It was a lot of fun for me, and made me feel special, having such a kind person help me with my spirituality for so long. To me she was the equivalent of a priest or pastor that would act as my conduit to my spiritual realm.

In the summer of '04, she told me she was going to fake her death as a human, live as a dragon in her abandoned mine shaft desert cave for a couple of years, and then come back as a child again. And I believed every bit of it. The two screen names she used never came back online, but that's about as much truth as I actually got out of her.

I reluctantly joined the furry fandom that fall after randomly encountering a local fur wandering around campus with a giant fox tail. I had two classes with him that day, and at the end of the second one I mustered up the balls to ask if he was "furry or otherkin?" He responded "both". My mind was blown!

I was originally of the persuasion that furries were just silly people pretending to be animals, and didn't give spirituality and true animal-spirits the respect they deserved. Yeah, I really was that way for a while. After a while, I began to break down that barrier and accept that it really wasn't that big of a deal. In fact, I'm almost completely on the other side of that fence now; to me it doesn't matter if you're super-serious about what you are, or if it's just a facade you put on on the weekends.

In my 6-odd years in furry, I have met a number of other otherkin and such spiritual people. Most of them have similar past-life histories to myself, with the whole living as a dragon and flying around and such. I totally respect that, because I still believe others may have gone through those experiences, and have had the visions and memories that defy logic or reason. If you're one of those folks, I'm happy for you. Seriously. Unfortunately for me, I have been tainted, so most of what I have been told is probably bogus. That doesn't mean I get to ruin everyone else's party- just mine. Even to the creator of Draconic, KaniS (who will probably read this), I have no hard feelings. I think it's cool a site like yours can exist, but it's inevitable that situations like mine are going to happen.

You see, it all came crashing down in December '09. I was having kind of a down day, so I felt like sharing some 'dragon wisdom' that Dya had bestowed upon me years earlier on my LJ. It was kind of so-so advice, but it made me feel good sharing it because it reminded me of the better times when she was around to 'guide' me. Within minutes, somebody responded to my post with a link to Wikipedia. On the page was that exact same 'wisdom', word for word, as copied from a published book.

By that time I had already accepted the fact that my 'spirituality' had to take a back seat to my real life. In the time since Dya disappeared, I went on to graduate college, finish a Master's degree, find a very lucrative job, and buy a house. Despite that, it hurt me very deeply to find out all those years later that it had all been a lie.

I kept that pain inside me for all of 2010, and I think the only person other than Sema that knew was Nemekh when he came over to our house before Anthrocon that year. It hurt me so bad that I had to see a therapist for anxiety. Yesterday I explained all of what you just read to her, and she was very sympathetic to my case. It still hurt me so bad that I was visibly shaking on the couch. Her recommendation was to write a letter to Dya, explaining to her the pain she has caused me, because I still feel like a victim. The more people know about what I went through, the less power it has over me. And who knows, she might even still be lurking around the internet under another alias and might stumble across this.

=====

Dear Dyaminda,

The jig is up. It might have taken me the better part of a decade to figure it out, but it's better late than never. You might have been correct about you living by yourself with a bunch of cats, but everything you told me about being a dragon was complete bullshit. I'm glad I found out when I did that you were a fraud rather than go through the rest of my life believing the things you had told me.

I was a lonely teenager with a predisposition to obsession, and you took advantage of that. I wanted to believe in something, and you fed me the Kool-Aid by the gallon. Maybe after years of having the same conversations over and over you thought I was just role-playing. I would think with any common sense you should have figured out that when I was asking you about communicating with my spirit guides for the thousandth time, that this was a large part of my self-identity and not just some game. Maybe you knew that from the start and just went with it for kicks.

I'm surprised with as much as I pestered you, you didn't get sick of me. I've made lots of friends in the years since you took off, and more than a few times I've heard others complain about those annoying fanboys that try to start up a conversation immediately after they come online. This is exactly what I did to you for a really long time, and you said nothing. I'm surprised you didn't pull your disappearing act sooner. You probably got some sick sense of delight out of preying on my gullibility.

I'm ashamed that I told my friends about you. You had me convinced you were really a dragon, even though I never had enough hard evidence. They thought it was a little strange, and it even sounded weird telling them. That should have been an indication that it probably wasn't true.

All those mystical powers that you claimed I had are also bunk. I bet while you were pretending to transform into a dragon in your living room and freak out your cats, or to go invisible so that you could fly around the city undetected, you were eating a TV dinner and watching reruns of some shitty sitcom. It was just as much nonsense as the time some other wacko in a chat room claimed to be flying around the room after casting a spell. If I could supposedly perform all these magic tricks on you, why didn't they work on me? It must have been the magic of the internet helping me out.

Getting my hopes up about the possibility of physically becoming a dragon was incredibly deceitful. I think the only positive advice you gave me was not to spend all my time actively looking for the key to transforming. I'm thankful that in my real-life life, I was actually building what I considered at the time my 'safety net': a good education that led to a good career. Had I actually given up on my 'human life' to pursue an unattainable goal, that would have been a real shame.

As much as it would have been neat to meet your father Shadowlight and his council of elders, I'm sure you made those up too. I liked how when he came to visit you, he conveniently knew how to use a keyboard, even though he lived completely off the grid, and you even changed the font in the IM window for him to signify he was talking. That was really convincing, right. I had my doubts, but I just kept quiet. And when you were bored with the whole charade, he up and died, just like that.

I think that's about it for calling you out on your lies. I'm going to tell as many people as I can about what you did to me, so that maybe if somebody else is being deceived in the same way, they can take a step back and think their way out of it.

But that doesn't help the fact that this leaves a huge hole in my life- all the stories you told me and all of the time I spent with you means nothing. I could have spent that time on other activities, or other forms of self-improvement. Maybe I could have gotten involved with furry earlier, and started meeting all of the friends I have now back then.

Talking about dragon stuff was a nice mental vacation. I wish I could still take those, but the damage you've caused has made me so self-conscious that I can't enjoy fantasizing for fear that I'll get burned again like I did with you. I want to let you know that rather than completely obliterating you from my memory, you'll just be like a book on a shelf. Whenever I look back on it, I'll just laugh. I'll recall how fun it felt, even though it was all meaningless. Everyone has scars, be it physically or emotionally, and now you're just a healed wound in my mind that makes for a great conversation piece at parties.

Sometimes I fantasize about finding you and calling you out to your face. Somehow I think that hearing you apologize to me for lying to me for so long and come clean will magically fix me. But now I realize I don't need that. I have the power to shut the book on that part of my life. The time I spent wasn't for naught; I actually learned from you how to be skeptical and prevent being taken advantage of again.

Just like book authors have rough drafts of their stories that they scrap, I'm going to set aside what I've built so far and rewrite my 'life story'. I have a couple of main characters and events to work with, so I think I'll just start with those and see where I go. It'll just be a story.

From now on, I think I'll think of myself as a "post-otherkin". I won't completely ignore where I came from with respect to my self-identity or "character", but unlike the traditional defintion of otherkin, I feel that I've moved away from it as a source of self-defintion. Maybe I matured, maybe I outgrew it, or maybe I got carried away and burned. I acknowledge it, but there's really no place for it in my life anymore.

Anyway, enjoy your cats and frozen dinners and shitty TV shows that are as cancelled as your lies, because I know you're still there. I know you didn't mysteriously vanish after selling your personal effects and quitting your job. I know you're still online under another alias and character, and you're probably still lying to kids for fun. And you know what, I don't ever want to hear from you again. If I got this far in life with your crap, I can only imagine how much farther I can go without it.

Goodbye.

=====

I will be taking this letter to the therapist, where I will read it aloud, burn it, and put it all behind me. This wound has been open for too long. Isn't it silly? If anyone feels it necessary to mock or troll me about this (this is the internet after all), I'll have you know that it's all ancient history, and I'll probably laugh at myself with you. Sorry I'm such a buzzkill!

To those of you that actually survived reading this, I'd like to know what you think. Part of the healing process for me is going to be having other people stand up with me against this person. It will take away the power the whole experience has over me. Hopefully the next time I tell somebody this story, I will laugh instead of quiver.

Thanks!

HEY

Were you a dealer at MFF 2010 with poor sales?
Did you buy something from the Artist Alley thinking it was the Dealers Den?
Did you even know there WAS a Dealers Den at MFF last year?

THEN THIS IS THE JOURNAL FOR YOU

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2241120/

~

My sales at Rainfurrest 2008 were well over DOUBLE what I made at MFF 2010. Seriously, for a con with nearly FOUR TIMES the attendees, I would expect at least the same or higher revenue. I used to blame my poor sales on competition and/or a flooded hats market, but after reading this I think the room location is mostly to blame.

You know, using LJ was probably one of the healthier habits I had back in college. I could vent, and people could leave feedback. Or they could insult me and ragequit (haha). But just being in touch with people made my life a lot easier. Currently I have no real outlets, you know? I don't talk with my coworkers due to lack of common interests, all of my friends back home are 1800 miles away, my local friends must think Sema and I live in another state or something, and we aren't involved with any sports or groups or clubs or anything. So basically it's near-constant isolation. Or it least it feels like that.

I've been putting myself under a lot of stress lately. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, but I've conditioned myself mentally to be in such a state that I'm a wreck. Let me count my blessings: I have a MS degree in computer science- one of the most desirable fields as far as compensation versus working conditions. I own a house, I can afford it, I have zero debt, and I have extra to have fun with. I have a kickass wife, Sema, and four pretty cool dogs, and a bearded dragon, and they are full of love and hearts and dog food. I have a fun side business that allows me to make extra cash for vacations or emergencies. And I am pretty healthy except for some wicked allergies and broken balls. But there are meds for that I'm not trying to brag, but sometimes I take all that for granted. Seriously.

I'm not sure if it's how I was raised, or just a personality trait, but I have some problems. For one, I am extremely sensitive. I make "mountains out of molehills", you could say. Whenever somebody criticizes me, I beat myself up over it. I'll replay the situation in my head over and over, usually for at least the rest of the day. Even internet trolls get to me, that's how ridiculous I am. I can tell myself all I want that they're "probably just basement-dwelling pimple-poppers" but it doesn't help. One time in grade school I was goofing off at recess and was told I had detention the next day. I mysteriously got sick overnight. To this day I swear it was self-induced. Basically, under normal circumstances I can't let stuff "roll off my back".

That's why I mention my upbringing. Whenever I did something wrong, I was rightfully punished. The sentences were never very severe, and my parents were never abusive in the slightest, but the verbal reprimands were pretty psychologically intense. It was how things were said. Not an actual example, but this is about how it would go: "What were you thinking? There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. Now they have to go get a new covering for their light, and every time they see it, they'll think of what you did." That actually might be my internal monologue, though. haha. But never ever did I hear "Well, just try not to do that again. No big deal, they'll get over it." Does that even make sense?

This conditioned me to be a very rigid rule-follower (for the most part). I am paranoid of breaking rules, even accidentally, or upsetting people, because it hurts so damn bad. Another side effect is that I am very passive, shy, and submissive/non-confrontational. I am also very slow "on my feet", so arguments go extremely poorly. This doesn't help with my work, because I'm constantly being told to be more assertive. I'd rather not! Then that leads to what's happened for the last three months: I shy away from pestering people to complete their work that needs to come to me, then I get in trouble because my work isn't done. Oh bother.

Speaking of work, that has always been a source of anxiety, sort of. My first job was at a grocery store, I worked evenings after school. The timing worked out that I would get home, then my mom would get home, and then I'd go to my job. It wasn't really an issue except for the fact that she was constantly asking me when I needed to go in- I knew my schedule, but constantly being reminded of having to leave really ruined the free time I had between school and work, you know? Fortunately my current job is flexible, so I can go in whenever the hell I want so long as I make my hours. Like today, I showed up four hours late and nobody even asked where I had been.

On a side note, my neurotic behavior really started to appear in college. I enjoyed college, because I really am better off independent- I know how to take care of myself and such, which is probably why moving out and living on my own was so easy. I gave it a "good effort" my first semester, ended up getting pretty high grades. From then on, I made it an effort to maintain very high grades, with the promise of "work hard now and you'll get a high paying job later on". During my undergrad four years, I had 5 out of 8 semesters with perfect grades, and I think once in grad school. It wasn't such a big deal in the beginning, but by the end of school, I almost could not function in anticipation finals. Funny thing, though- once I sat down to take the test I was perfectly fine. I got the 'dream job' but it cost me my mental health, I guess.

The other behavior that was ingrained in me was that "you're getting paid to work, so you work", as in a strict adherence to all policies and an intense focus on the task at hand. In other words, no screwing around or relaxing. So when I'm at work, I am paranoid I'll be criticized for answering a text message or checking my email on my phone. I doubt anyone really gives a shit, but I have this constant worry that I'm surrounded by tattle-tales.

It doesn't help that at every job I've ever had, I'm constantly thinking about what I'd rather be doing. The only time it's never been an issue was during my stint as a Teaching Assistant in college, probably because my responsibilities were so minimal and well defined. Once your task is done, you're done; none of this "you have to dawdle here for X hours" bullshit.

Needless to say, this wears me down. I sit in a chair at work for eight hours, plus 30 minutes each way for a commute, and I'm exhausted just from stress. I come home, worry about how the next day will be filled with self-inflicted stress, and then complain that I never get anything 'productive' done. Seriously.

If I try to complain to my parents about it, they tell me that that's life. Well duh, but at least tell me how to deal with it in a healthy manner. The two only defenses tactics I have to deal with the above are superiority complex and indifference. I can't pretend to be superior to anyone at work, since I'm one of the youngest in the entire building, and I'm still near the bottom of the totem pole even after two years (that should tell you something about my work...). It's not like high school where you're older and bigger than most people as you progress through the years. Indifference doesn't work because if I lose/quit this job, there aren't a lot of other reasonable options out there. Anywhere else I work will probably offer me less money or make me drive farther. Relocating around the valley is also undesirable because our house is so cool (plus the stupid new homeowner tax credit baloney agreement...) So my only option is to tear myself apart.

It's just like that saying about how the grass is greener. If you could simply jump into my life right now, you'd tell me I was absolutely insane for being such a sadsack all the time, but if you went through what I put myself through... well, nah, you'd still probably say the same thing, haha.

Any advice would be welcome, but not expected. It's pretty tl;dr but that's how I roll. I'll probably be mentioning this to my therapist next week.

I should write more stuff like this, I feel better already.

I finally got around to adding in all of my hat/suit/etc. commissions over the last year. My web host decided to randomly upgrade PHP or something, and it broke my picture gallery. Then about a month later, my camera decided to stop working right. Eventually I got a new camera and wrote an image gallery from scratch, so I'm back in business!

You can see them hyah:
Fursuits Scrapbook
Hats Scrapbook
Furducers.com

We are open for fursuit commissions to be completed around July/August. Hats are open as well, with no waiting. I am also open for embroidery- I've done some embroidery on hats, or I can make conbadge-type items. Whatever you can think of I'll try! I'm itchin' to use my machine more, but I don't know what to do with it!

I finally took the time to sit down and figure out how to set up Gmail accounts for domain names I own. It was ridiculously easy. I don't know what the demand is for something like this, would anyone be interested?

Imagine ... yournamehere @ popufur.com! The original popularity contest causing furry drama since 2008. Haha, just kidding.

You could log into it via the regular Gmail signon screen, or just have it forward everything to your regular email, or do what I do and add it as an account on your phone!

Yeah, I know the site is defunct now that I'm not supporting it anymore, but it's always fun to stir the pot, right?

Just wanted to see if anyone was still out there? You know, I used to chat with a lot of people on a pretty regular basis. Mostly over AIM. And then after time, real life kinda took over, I became a neurotic ball of anxiety all the time, and I got really really bad at holding conversations online.

Seriously, I'm terrible at chatting. Once I find an interesting topic, it's all good, but the whole process of getting there is pretty hard for me.

Maybe I should pop some more hydroxyzine, seemed to slow my brain down good last time.

I'm probably going to be busy all day tomorrow doing fursuit-y work. Secret project? Not really. You can see who it's for on our website!

2010 -> http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?f=25193
(Since I don't know why they weren't posted last year...)

2011 -> http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?f=25194

Yesterday's adventure was awesome, I think. The constant dust storm was kind of annoying, but the sudden 20-degree temperature drop and rain were cool. Not very crowded, which was nice.

Here are some choice pictures:
http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26169
Don Juan and Miguel - I'd totally see this again. I'm pretty sure they were drunk... or just really really funny.

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26172
http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26184
http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26185
London Broil! Juggling fire and sharp objects in the rain!

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26188
Sexy Wolverine costume from Uncle Nicks's Costume Warehouse

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26191
This is what happens in Arizona when the temperature drops below 60

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26199
Ronny is such a trooper!
Accomplishments unlocked:
- Stole Varka's steak on a stake
- Got lots of attention & pettings
- Was scared of the cracking whip at Don Juan's show
- Kept his bandages on the whole time

http://scrapbook.superwailingbonus.com/?i=26198
God Is Peeing. Indeed.

Huzzah.

Ain't gonna happen.

Surprise! Tricked ya.

I've been getting a lot of requests for an update, so I figured I'd explain where the project is at.

No, seriously, here's what's going on. For the most part, the FA Rank project has been an exercise in data mining and info retrieval. The first time I did it, in December 2008, I started with one 'seed' account and expanded by searching all 'neighboring' accounts until I found no more. I wound up with something like 54000. Over the months, I was able to acquire 'snapshot' data of the watch database, which helped increase the scope of my search. Unfortunately, the snapshots were not readily available, and were very infrequent when I did get them.

Eventually I went back to manually retrieving each account. Since users' watch lists are publicly available, it was easy to rig up a cron script to retrieve them at a slow but regular pace. Throughout this process, I always maintained a reasonable request rate, so as not to bog down the servers. By April 2010, the database contained something like 140000 accounts.

There were many issues in play at this time: the retrieval took so long that by the time the sweep was complete, the information gleaned at the beginning was obsolete. The cycle time was something like 2-3 weeks. Then, there was so much data that it broke my scripts. My webhost (Dreamhost) has a time limit on PHP loading time, and my mass-update scripts frequently broke them. I could have probably worked around the limitation by breaking up the queries into chunks, but at the time I wrote the original code, it was sufficient. I think the automated update process, which worked perfectly fine in theory, ran into some issue that required manual intervention every single time.

The (next-to-) last straw was after the whole site crash/DDoS/hacking deal in April 2010, the IP address I was using to spider FA was blacklisted. This was likely due to site admins reviewing hit logs and noticing a large number of requests from a specific IP, and lumping it in with the actual attackers. So that meant all updates to FA Rank were kaput unless I found a way around the block. I wasn't going to use my personal machine, since that would put my own IP at risk. So I decided to outsource: FARankFuRTer! If a bunch of other users made anonymous page requests through their own machines, no individual IP addresses would stand out. Essentially, it was turning the traffic into "random noise". The only red flag would have been that the browser is reported in logs as Java instead of IE or Mozilla.

The Java program was a neat little project. I must say, Java is a bitch to code in when it involves connections. Security files, digital signing, exception handling... yuck. Unsurprisingly, the program's novelty wore off quickly, and after a while the data came slower and slower. People were having issues with the program crashing, and it was kind of a mess. And then after the entire database was refreshed, I had to perform the actual computations, which- you guessed it- crashed and required manual execution.

The "last last" straw was a few months ago when FA decided to change up one of the parameters in the URL to retrieve users' watch lists. There is a parameter called "uid", which is an integer, and refers to a user's unique ID on the site. Every user has one. This field used to be called just "id". This arbitrary change broke the Java program, so users were only pulling down garbage for me to process. It would have taken one second to fix, but then another hour or two to recompile, re-sign, and redeploy. Fuck it all.

I asked site admins/devs several times if they could provide regular dumps or an API of some sort, but it was either low-priority, dismissed, or in one case, actively discouraged for being a "popularity contest"... despite being based on unbiased, empirical data. Don't kill the messenger!

Yes, to an extent, it was kind of meant to 'stir the pot'. But first and foremost, it was just a fun 'experiment'. Any excuse for me to play with numbers and programming! I loved the variety of reactions I got to the site. Some were amused by it, others were fascinated by it, others actively used it to gauge their progress as artists, and there were plenty of sticks in the mud! I'm just drawing back the curtain, you could say. The domain name was the perfect "finishing touch" for the site, hah. Thanks, Varka.

One unexpected benefit of FA Rank was the ability to search for other artists. At the time I wrote it, I had not thought of that at all. In 2008, FA had no "search for user" feature. They have a rather basic text search engine going now, but there's still no way to say "I think their name started with f-u-r-r..." and try to find them. The ranking also acted as promotion for many artists as well via the links provided. Many users were able to find and watch artists they might not have found through browsing galleries, favorites, or submissions.

In conclusion, it's been entertaining. If it wasn't obvious before, I think I'm officially stating that the project is suspended until further notice. Maybe I'll do something similar in the future- I wouldn't put it past myself. But due to the degree of frustration this was causing me to maintain, it just isn't worth it. I'm a hacker in the jargon-file sense; I do things for my own amusement. At no point was this meant to be an attack on FA. If the admins don't want to support it, that's their decision to make. I'm certainly not entitled to anything.

Keep on drawin' those heart-print boxers and cocks 'n knockers, kids. :)

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1021534.html

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1021534.html

http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1021534.html

oh and did i mention
http://www.furbuy.com/auctions/1021534.html