I spend a lot of time looking at furry porn. There is very little gay furry TF art that I do not know about. I have FurAffinity, I examine every new piece on e621 matching the tags “tf -female -breasts”, I have a BlueSky feed, and I’m in a few TF discord servers (one of which I check religiously, the others I rarely check).

All that, and sometimes I find myself seeking more. When I get to this point, my favorite thing to do is to look at the profiles of my recent watchers and favorites. I check both their galleries and their favorites.

I have to say, some of you have very good tastes.

I don’t know about you, but I use my favorite gallery as a collection of pieces that I could jerk off to at any given moment. Each one of them is great in my eyes. (Granted, it’s been a while since I’ve gone through and manually ensured each one still meets this standard for me.)

I’m not sure if everyone has their favorites gallery the same way. One thing I notice quite often in people’s favorites is how frequently they favorite things. Sometimes, pressing the next page shows pieces favorited six months ago. Other times, it’s two weeks ago. And sometimes, it’s only the previous day. Because of this, I can only assume that some people use favorites to simply say they like the piece, similar to the single reaction button available on a lot of social media networks.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that people who favorite my works have varying tastes. Some of them align quite closely with mine, which I have appreciated as great sources of previously unknown-to-me pieces. Some of them are a mixed bag, usually by adding a fetish I’m not into or being into body types I’m not into, mostly female presenting ones.

Yet others are baffling to me. They have no explicit art favorited, but they watch me. They have no transformation art, but they favorite some of my transformation pieces. It’s strange.

**********

Regardless, there were three questions I want to hear people‘s thoughts on.

First, when someone posts a sequence of images, which one do you favorite, and why? I personally always favorite the first image in the set, and, assuming that the rest are well-linked to the first image, that’s the only one I’ll favorite. I find that not visiting a sequence for a while can make it very hot again, but if I view the end of a sequence early, it can spoil that freshness.

Second, why hide your favorites? Some people like to keep their favorites gallery hidden, meaning that if you navigate to their profile page, it will show there are no submissions to list.

Third, why the weird account names? I’m not talking about things like Shrekswetfarts or thisismymagicalthrowaway95. I’m talking about things like QZ153LJB, ones that look more like serial numbers than real names (and no, they aren’t drone fetishists). How do you even remember those account names? Did you swap the username and password fields on accident?

Just a quick "sign post" of sorts for anyone new to my work. I know trying to sort through a collection of stories can be daunting.

Snow Leopard Summit (~14 pages) has to be one of my personal favorites. My Richard King stories are also very good. I don't know, I'm just a sucker for a smug, generally horny transformative lion, especially when it's twinning TF.

My top 5 stories, listed by number of favorites, are currently:
. * A Typical Tiger Transformation (2 pages)
. * Yours is a Jock's jock (Wolf Musk TF) (A little more than a page)
. * The Werewolf's Mirror (12 pages)
. * Inducted to the Gnoll Clans (6 pages)
. * Wolf O'Donnell Twinning TF (32 pages)
While most of these are also my most-viewed stories, Wolf O'Donnell has like half as many views as the others. Which is a shame, really -- I would have listed it in my personal favorites if it didn't already make this list.

Two quick things:
I finished Changed. I binged everything from meeting Puro in the library to the ending(s) today. It was fun, a bit frustrating and monotonous, and shorter than I imagined.

I’m getting a commission from Smitizen for a rubber silicone suit of my Doberman-Anubian Jackal hybrid, Rhubis. I’ll post the ref sheet when I get the suit, perhaps with a few pictures ;3

@ arbensear-nsfw.bsky.social

I’ve started posting my short horny tf ideas there instead of gathering them up for writing dumps, as the dumps take a lot of work to clean up and otherwise prepare for publication. Follow me if you want :v

A while ago (about a year ago, wow!), I wrote about how I don't use my sonas in transformation. I'm pleased to announce that I've created a new character to take that role.

Richard King is "a gay lion with questionable morals who likes to transform other guys." You can read more about him here. I dreampt him up when abstaining from porn and jerking off for a while to see if my performance in bed with my boyfriend improved. I want to do more with him, but it might take abstaining to get me there again.

**********
General update
I'm doing alright. I finished my Sophomore year of my bachelor's degree in Computer Science and have started a summer Research Assistant position with one of my former professors. As an RA, I'm helping him work through some interesting problems in his field.

My boyfriend and I are still together. We've been dating for about 15 months. I'm learning several valuable lessons about relationship dynamics with him.

I feel mostly satisfied with life.
[If you just wanted a general update, you should stop reading here. The rest gets pretty rambly.]
There are two things troubling me:
First, since getting on anti-anxiety meds (which has overall been a positive thing), I have been less motivated to do things.
- I couldn't give enough of a shit about one of my classes [stats, which I likely won't use and which finished at 5pm, making for a horrible commute, so I skipped lecture -- I'll cut that rant off here!] to secure an A, so I got an A-. (I can live with that. I think I'll still get scholarships for it.)
- I wasn't as vigilant about checking my assignments, so I'd miss an occasional quiz or whatever.
- I haven't been cooking for myself. I'll still throw something together, canned veggies plus a carb plus a protein or whatever, that's not what I'm referring to here. I mean I won't make complicated meals like ratatouille.
I'm mostly fine with all that. A trade off of being less anxious is I no longer have anxiety motivating me to do things. I'm learning that this is an OK thing.

The part where it becomes a problem is that I have spent probably upwards of 90% of my free time playing video games or jerking off. I want to do more with my life! I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen and then I'll do all the creative, moral-conscience-sating, or otherwise valuable stuff

Second, my jerking off has become a source of some tension in my relationship. I'll preface this by saying we're still doing quite fine; I don't think we're breaking up anytime soon.
I have a ritual of sorts, "ritual" meaning "a repeated exercise, a routine, a habit." I'll go into the bathroom and shut the door, turn all the lights off so it's completely dark and so no light leaks through the door, and sit in the tub with the hot water running. A normal thing, perhaps, but I'll be in there between one and two hours. I use a draft blocker so that the bathroom stays warm, letting me turn the water flow down so low that our average hot water heater doesn't get anywhere close to running out. I plug the drain as though I'm taking a bath, but I use the shower so that the steady, low-pressure drip of hot water spends more time heating up the air. Essentially, I make the bathroom into a very controlled environment with low sensory stimulation, something that my body has come to crave when I get home from work every day.

There's nothing inherently wrong with this. I can tell it soothes my autism (: Not that I need it, but that's part of why I enjoy it.
The problems are:
- I used to do this without the room fan on, which damages the bathroom and creates a mold risk.
- I was such a musk slut (er, I still am, but that's not the point -- I had a set of clothes I'd wear, a tank top and a jock and a pair of underwear folded and wrapped around my cock in such a way that it felt like a sheath, and never washed them. They smelled *so good* for a long time, but eventually they started smelling bad, even to me. I think moisture was the problem). When I enjoyed this fetish in the bathroom, I'd inevitably stink it up. This was great for me, but not for my boyfriend, who doesn't share my fetish.
- I spend long enough in there that my boyfriend feels like it takes away from the time he has with me after I get home from work/school every day. (We don't spend tons of time together, but he's explained to me that it's the little things, like being able to poke his head into my room and give me a kiss, stuff like that.)
- I have a hard time staying hard when topping my boyfriend. He wants me to cut back on the masturbation in the hopes that I can properly fuck him without so much hassle!
- (Most importantly,) my boyfriend has asked me to stop, I have agreed to stop, and yet I haven't stopped. I cease for a day or two, then fall right back into the habit.

I agree with a lot of what my boyfriend has told me. He's been very patient and respectful about it (not perfect -- nowhere close, he definitely has his flaws, but enough that I can squash my knee-jerk defensiveness and sympathize with him).

I'm running out of steam for this part, so I'll stop here. [Why do I write this? I write so openly about my problems and the things that matter a ton to me and valuable insights I've gained in the hopes that anyone who stumbles upon this will gain something from it, particularly something that would otherwise be really hard to learn. It's not normal to talk about this kind of stuff so openly, at least not in my culture, and that can lead to all kinds of problems for someone who just doesn't know any better. Think of someone living in a conservative small-town nowhere who self-shames because they have gay thoughts, but think also of someone who doesn't have any experience on what a relationship is really like or what it's like to use Viagra [or even just get the prescription for it!].]


Miscellaneous topics: in-person sex
I love the gay furry niche I've found:
- I have multiple partners I'll fool around with every so often. (I cleared it with my boyfriend, of course! We're in an open relationship.) (I also take PrEP and get tested periodically for STDs.) I'm close with them. I wouldn't describe myself as poly, however, as our contact is as friends and sexual, not romantic. I still love them and care for them.
- My family is supportive of me, as are my friends and crucial role-players in my support network, such as my therapist and my doctor.
- I really, really love where I'm at in life and feel deeply fulfilled by being at peace with my sexuality/kinks/gender/etc.

That being said, I'm not great about in-person sex. It can feel strange. It often takes me a while to get off, and I'll have trouble staying hard if I'm topping during anal sex. I talked to my doctor about it, as googling this will give you all kinds of answers(!); he said most sex scientists agree that people who experience regular self-stimulation are more likely to be uncomfortable with in-person sex. That felt right when he said it, and it still feels right, but it's hard to change my decade-ingrained habit of wanting to jerk off. In-person sex is hard because I don't control everything. It's not as stimulating, I can't make my partner focus on the perfect spot to get me to cum.

In this same conversation, I asked my doctor if I could try Viagra. He agreed; I'll spare you the details, except to say that I felt safe talking with him about things like this, which was invaluable. (Apparently there's a stigma around Viagra for some people?)
[I know what I just said, but] Some details you might find helpful:
- Viagra was expensive, now it's not. It's prescription-only in the US, but other countries have it OTC.
- It won't give you a boner on its own, it just makes it easier when given stimulation.
- It starts about 30 minutes after ingestion, and hits peak concentration around 1-4 hours. It may cause headaches and flushing around the peak, but most consider this an acceptable trade-off. Other meds exist if the side effects become too bad, but they're more expensive.
I've yet to really test it, so I can't speak on how well it works for me.


Miscellaneous topics: politics (oh no!)
There's this weird kind of doomsday scenario a lot of my social contacts have, something like "Yeah, the rich are conspiring against us, they're going after the trans people and then they'll come after us [gays]." Or, "the rich are going to ruin society" and "society is going to collapse."

Look, I don't want to rant. I'm sure some of you reading this are twitter users, my deepest condolences. I simply wish to say I wish that people would view others as people. The conservatives and the religious who voted the Utah anti-trans bathroom bill into law [basically, people can only use the bathroom that matches their gender as assigned at birth, which fucks over trans people] or those behind the Roe V Wade reversal [basically, a legal proceeding that undid a lot of progress for women's rights and safe abortion clinics in the USA] aren't scheming, nefarious villains whose only purpose in life is to hate on minorities. They are people, too! They are rational agents.

This is important not for some moral standpoint but for a practical reason. If we aren't charitable toward them (i.e., if we don't try to understand them as rational, thinking people), we are less likely to anticipate what their next move is. We become less in touch with reality, and that makes our viewpoint weaker. I'm not saying that those who vote against trans rights won't also vote against gay rights, but the line of reasoning that goes "X CEO is bad, look at what they did at EA games" -> "Why did company Y hire X?" -> "Company Y must be delusional, just like all the other greedy, fat-ass shareholders." is not helpful and it frustrates me when people close to me adopt such worldviews.

Hi!

I’m at BLFC. If you want to meet me, I’ll be at the TF room party tonight (Wed, Nov 1, 2023, 8pm-1am, room 2267).

Come say hi :) I’d love to meet someone who’s watched me, haha

A (hopefully) quick update.

I’m going to Europe! My dad paid for the flights over (he’s really clever with (ab)using airline rewards programs and generally finding things for cheap), but he wanted each of us to practice planning for trips, so he encouraged us to add our own plans on before/after the week we’ll be together in Croatia. I decided to take a (window) shopping trip in Milan and Paris. I didn’t plan out the trip as much as I wanted to, so I’m mostly winging it! Haha, I’m a little nervous ._.

I had a cold earlier in the week; it sped through me fast. I got a bad ear infection two days ago, and yesterday, my eardrum ruptured. Today, I fly out :x It’s not as bad as it sounds — I should heal relatively fine, and I managed to get packed despite everything — but it wasn’t a fun way to spend my last few days with my boyfriend before my trip.

*****

I did some research on the furry for a final project in one of my classes (gender and social change). I learned a few interesting things, including:

Two social science studies, one conducted by Kevin J Hsu and J Michael Bailey (2019) and another by Thomas Brooks et. al. (2022), examined what motivated people to be furries. Below shows where they got their respondents from:
Category | Hsu & Bailey | Brooks
Sample Size | N = 334 | N = 1,113
Mean Age (SD) | 22.47 (4.72) | 27.25 (8.49)
Recruitment Location | 64.7% Furry Forum, 8.4% Word of Mouth, 8.1% Dogpatch, 6.3% FurAffinity, 12.6% Other |
43% Telegram, 16% Twitter, 13% Facebook, 11% Word of Mouth, 8% Discord, 5% Convention, 4% FurAffinity
Their studies showed a number of things:
- About 80-85% of furry respondents identified as male.
- It was very common for these male furries to be bi (34.7%) or gay (29.4%). This was more common than heterosexuality (16.7%). [Hsu & Bailey's article attempts to explain this; the Grey, 2020 article mentioned in my annotated bibliography responds to this point]
- While many participants have sexual motivations for being a furry, the social motivations tend to be stronger.
I don't know how to emphasize that last point strongly enough. It's okay to be a sexual furry! It's okay that furries are, by and large, sexually motivated in some way! Without getting too ranty, I guess I'm just trying to say you don't need to be apologetic about being a furry. The Brooks, 2022 article does an especially wonderful job explaining how sensationalist media approaches have skewed everyone's perceptions about furries:
Brooks wrote:A football fan attracted to their team’s cheerleaders is not described as having a “football fetish,” nor is a video game enthusiast’s identity as a “gamer” contingent upon how frequently they masturbate to fantasies of their favorite video game character. As demonstrated in Reysen and Shaw (2016), unflattering and uncharitable stereotypes are typically reserved for non-mainstream, non-prototypical fan interests.
We're just people trying to fulfill our needs, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Something I remember from another article I read while researching:
- Examining other communities that blur the line between human and animal can help us better understand the furry community. Examples of such communities include the body modification community [think Lizard man, that guy from Guinness World Records with the spit tongue and other elective surgeries] and those that use animals in therapeutic treatment for ASD (Autism).

I loved this assignment. It made being a furry feel valid, valid and seen. Having an external (or at least objective) body of research to explain the phenomena furries experience was deeply rewarding for me, while having an accurate idea of the composition of the furry fandom (i.e., its gender, sexuality, and sexual motivation makeups) is useful.

I have posted a copy of my annotated bibliography here.

Two quick notes:

I'm on Splatoon 3. If you ever want to play with me, my username is currently Arben Sear. When my competitive university team gets back together, I'll go by -CI> Ray. Either way, I'll be hanging out in the "Furry" pool. I play almost daily, so find me there!

Also, I now have a boyfriend! :) We're still in the early stages of our relationship, but it's shaping up to be good. He's an independent leatherworker that makes fetish gear, so I might have to model for y'all sometime soon ;3

*****

In general: university is going well. This is my spring break week of my second semester back at college. I'm currently taking Algorithms and Data Structures, which is fundamental to basically all of computer science. It's also a "weeder" class: it's incredibly difficult (or, rather, it takes a lot of work), and anyone who wants to properly become a computer science major at my college must get at least a B- in this class. I'm not worried, as I warped my whole schedule around this class to give me all the time in the world, but it's still been tough. I'll regularly spend 12-15 hours per week on the class's assignment.

Spring break was very welcome. Unfortunately, my boyfriend got sick (and I somehow didn't?!), so I haven't been able to spend tons of time with him like we hoped.

I feel like I'm more or less where I want to be socially. I've grown a strong sense of community by spending time with my friends. I've figured out how I want to approach friends with benefits and have made peace with most of my time commitments. There seems to be no limit to my social life -- I've started hosting my own activities, a good way to stay close to everyone when I can't meet with them individually.

I've started dating -- seriously dating, dating romantically, with guys (er, a guy) who could become my partner(s), not just hanging out with people I happen to have sex with -- which was another big aspiration of mine. [I think some of my earlier relationships were and still are somewhat romantic, but it's complicated. This is the first time it's been "okay, let's be in a relationship."]

I've also come out to my extended family, which was one of the last milestones I had left before I would call myself fully "out." It's not that I was scared of their response; the reason I waited so long was because I didn't want to upset my mother. My mom has early onset dementia and is in a care home. When I came out to the rest of my immediate family, I talked for a while with my father about whether I should tell my mother. He counseled that I avoid doing so, as it might upset her, it might become something she fixates on, and she didn't appear to have the capacity to understand. My parents are pretty devout Mormon, and while they're both open-minded, we had no way of knowing how my mom might react in her condition.

I'm very close with my family, my dad included, and I respected my father's advice. I didn't tell my mom I was gay. A side effect of this is I couldn't tell anyone tied to my childhood that I was gay, as I figured that news would travel faster and farther than the addendum "Oh, and don't tell my mom."

It took me years to realize, but one day I came to the conclusion that I should tell my mom. I realized that it's okay to be gay. Requiring me to be silent to not upset other people (even people who don't have a normal emotional capacity), while well-intentioned, is a toxic thing. It might keep the peace, but it has a side effect: it teaches me (and everyone else) that there's something wrong with being gay. That it's okay to be gay, but not around certain people.

I put the text I sent to my dad below. It's a wall of text, skip it if you want.

Hey dad, I’ve been thinking about how I haven’t told mom that I’m gay, or even that I’m a furry. I’m not sure it’s right to hold my tongue.

Honestly, the only thing that has kept me from telling my extended family that I’m gay or posting about it on social media* is mom. If our extended family or people from our home ward found out, then — as I have previously explained — I would expect the news that I’m gay would travel much faster than the rider “please don’t tell [my mom's name].” Furthermore, it feels a little strange to say such a thing, doesn’t it: “Hey, I’m gay, I’m okay with everyone in the world knowing except for my mother.”

(*Not that I’m on social media much at all, but there’s a bit of hidden internal conflict when it comes to relationships from my mission)

I understand the concern that me telling mom I’m gay or that I’m not active in the church could potentially upset her. I’m not saying I want to go tell her today or that I have concrete plans. I simply mean to state that I think we need to consider the drawbacks of me keeping quiet to me and to my relationship with mom. I don’t think you realize what affects it has on me. I don’t think *I* realize what affects it has on me — in a way, it’s like toxic positivity: well intentioned but harmful in reality. In a way, it’s also like “don’t ask don’t tell” or the defense of marriage law or things like that. I can see how I would look at my situation and think it’s okay, that it’s my responsibility to not disrupt mom.

But I don’t think should be put on me to deal with the consequences. I think it’s important to recognize that there is a deep psychological cost to me not telling mom. It isn’t just a matter of convenience, it’s not just that I’d like to be able to date a guy in public without worrying about the .01% chance that someone from our family sees me, it’s that me having to be quiet teaches me subconsciously that in some way, there is something wrong about being gay.

Really, I think that is the thing I’m getting at (a bit of an epiphany, if you will). I think our decision to remain silent — your advice*, and my acceptance — operates on the underlying assumption that being gay is in some way wrong. I wouldn’t be reserved about being gay simply because a stranger expressed disgust about my orientation. I wouldn’t hide it even if it might make someone uncomfortable. If or when I get a partner, or even just a boyfriend, I would expect to be able to take them to the same social functions that any straight person in a similar situation would. If there were someone in our extended family who would want to reject me, fine, let them deal with that, it’s their problem. I think in a similar way, even with mom’s situation, it’s her problem. I would of course do my best to not upset her, though the help I could offer is limited.

(*And I’m not seeking for approval, or permission, or I don’t think I am. I involve you in this almost internal dialog because I respect that you are an important authority figure to me, and in some ways I’m still a little uncertain, and so I am in a way reaching out to you for validation… But I think I want to tell mom, and if I do arrive at that conclusion when you would still tell me to be silent, I would disagree, and hope you would forgive me.)

I don’t mean to say that I want to cause problems or draw attention to myself or shake things up — (if I were invited to a relative’s house, but I knew their stance on homosexuality, I would have to weigh whether their company would be worth the scorn) — but that the well intentioned idea that some lifestyle choices are acceptable just so long as those choices don’t disturb others is old fashioned and unreasonable. The old lady sitting on a park bench might feel her day is soured when a gay couple walks by holding hands, but she won’t become suicidal over it. The same could be said for a belief in exclusively heterosexual marriage versus the legalizing gay marriage. I respect that you and others might hold different beliefs — the idea that it’s wrong for someone to believe something, or even to act on that belief, has dangers of its own! — but I still insist. The psychological toll is currently much stronger for sexual minorities than it is for the majority, at least per capita, as it is for women, ethnic minorities, and other repressed groups.

In any case, I’m ranting. Let me get back on topic.

I think I should tell mom that I’m gay. I don’t know exactly how yet. There is a risk it upsets or confuses her, but there is a known cost to me staying silent: the subconscious lesson that there is something wrong with being gay, which can have heavy consequences.

Two closing thoughts:
There is a risk that me telling mom I’m gay makes her suicidal or otherwise is a huge negative to her well-being. I haven’t begun to explore how I feel about that. What I wrote above was trying to call attention to the fact that me staying silent has a cost, though I know I state something stronger in my big text.

About being furry: I think that it’s an important part of myself that I shouldn’t hide from mom. I agree that telling her I’m a furry in the same way that I might tell her I’m gay would probably really confuse her, and I agree that I shouldn’t tell her in the same way, but I don’t think I should hide things like my fursuit from her. I think I should be able to post stuff like convention photos in chats with her in it. She’ll probably have questions at some point, but those are things I can explain. It doesn’t need to be a big thing.

Below is my dad's response.

Be true to yourself. If you’re ready for that conversation then tell her. That’s strictly between you and her.

I didn’t mean to imply that you should be ashamed (you should never be ashamed of who you are) or be untrue to yourself. At the time that we talked mom was highly anxious. She’s more even now - because of meds or disease progression - and you were less certain of how you would be presenting yourself. I wouldn’t worry about mom’s reaction. Honestly, I’m not sure if she’ll remember.

You don’t needs to share all the details, or show up wearing your fur suit (unless you really want to). (She might remember that!)

Live your life and your choices. You never know who will see your social media posts, but so what. I’ve blogged in excruciating detail how I agonized about pulling a Foley catheter through my penis, then did it, so I’m pretty blasé about it. Then again, I don’t read other people’s social media. The [family name] and [family name] do, as well as some people from our [my hometown name] community, and a few small-minded heads might explode, but that’s their problem. Haters gonna hate. Effem. Do what you think is right.

Love you!

...You might wonder why I'm so open, and on a porn site of all things. I think it's a few reasons. First, I figure there are people who would really benefit from hearing what I have to say on here. I'm not saying that everyone should take leaps of faith and put themselves out there, as not everyone has the family and community I do; rather, I do this because building a narrative of our stories is important (as LGBT+, as furries, as the social "others"). Second, I also figure that this is one of the safest spaces I could ever share in, at least online. My profile isn't big enough to draw haters, I don't think. If anyone is ever a dick, I'll give them a good what-for via site administration and about fifty thousand words in response. ...I really don't think it'll be worth their time to read everything I'd write ;P They'd probably move on, lol

*****

Jumping back: I think I'm where I want to be, socially. I'm doing well, professionally, too: my choice to go back to college feels right. Computer science is difficult, engaging, and rewarding. I've put everything else aside to study, cancelling plans, spending long hours in the computer lab with my coding partner, letting myself be wholly consumed by the task at hand, and it's good, it's right, there's nothing I'd rather be doing. I have a grasp on my progress -- I can see myself growing -- which is wild, as normally growth isn't so fast and so self-visible.

Anyway, I'm sure I've about talked your ear off. Go find something to fap to or whatever, haha

I just got my ref sheets posted (the sequence starts with Arben’s mature ref sheet, found here). It feels nice to have those up. I noted in the description that I worked with the artist for a year on it; I seriously appreciate his persistence.

I wanted to address one question, which is why I don’t use my sonas in tf more often. It seems odd that transformation plays such an important part in my participation in the furry fandom, yet Arben, who is supposed to represent me, has nothing to do with it.

I’m not sure how to answer this. To me, the Sears are living characters. They symbolize several parts of me. They are a means for me to interact with the furry fandom, but they are distinct from my transformation fetish at the same time.

I recognize there is a disconnect between my love of transformation (and the rest of me?). I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this, so I’m just going to list out some points I think are relevant.
- I’m usually not attracted to human guy’s appearances. I find guys more or less attractive, but I’ve only ever been turned on by looking at a guy once or twice. The guyfriends I have come to love I have drawn close to for other reasons.
- When I’m horny, I picture all kinds of things happening to me that I wouldn’t actually want to have happen to me. (Sometimes this conflict distracts me from my arousal: “Wait, but I don’t want to be a horse, what I really want is to be turned into a lion. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as a horse, especially not as a feral horse.” Or, “I wouldn’t actually want to escape all my problems by reducing my life to being someone else’s head-empty servant. Coming to understand really complicated things and working to overcome difficulties are two of the things that make life worth living the most.”)
- I rarely picture other people I know in my sexual fantasies. When I do, I separate the concept of that person as an individual with their own thoughts and desires from the guy I see myself doing X with in my head.
- A lot of the draw of transformation for me is in the questionable consent and the mental change following it. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, check this TFTuesday podcast.
- There is a clear disconnect between my tf fetish and my personality/what I want (I’m very kind, slow to judge, and overthink things. I’m not afraid of confrontation, but I’m a contrarian who likes understanding someone’s viewpoint. I want my partner(s) to be kind. I want to be understood. Sex would be a comfortable thing between us).

Ultimately, I think transformation is a kink for me. Other people use it symbolically to explore who they are, but I don’t do that. I don’t consider tf to be part of who I am. That’s why I don’t have my fursonas participate in tf. It would feel very weird to have any of them forcibly (and sexually) transform a guy, even Felix, because that would feel like saying I wanted to forcibly transform someone in real life.

I had two life changing events happen to me recently and I thought I should post about them here. The first one was a kink convention I attended this weekend (Rocky Mountain Rebellion). The second was one of my classes (Love and Relationships).

*****

RMR was interesting because it gave me insight into kink communities. I won’t claim to be a part of them, as I have only gone to two kink events in my life. Despite being a small convention, there was representation from BDSM, leather, MS, pup play, pony play, pet play, age play, needle play, blood play, pain play, fucking machines, wands, shibari, suspension, and certainly a few other interests I’m forgetting in this list. I myself represented furries, even going to some events in suit. I found the community was very welcoming: several people smiled, some asked for hugs, and when it came up, everyone said they wished the furry fandom had more crossover with these events.

As journals are to be SFW, I won’t go into detail about what I did except to say I find sex positive spaces fascinating, especially kinks as a form of processing trauma. I will say I got to be suspended from a rope harness while in suit, which was great fun.

That being said, I don’t know how kinky I am. Rather, I think my kinks lay (lie?) elsewhere. Again, I won’t go into detail here. (You can probably figure out some of my kinks from my written works.)

I am very happy to note that I was able to talk about what I did that weekend to my family. I went about into the same level of detail as I do here. I’m so grateful I have a good enough relationship with them that I don’t have to hide things like this from them.

*****

My love and relationships class is essentially a modern view on intimate relationships as informed by every relevant area of study. We discuss the work of sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, political scientists, neuroscientists — basically every “-ist” in the soft sciences you can think of comes up in this class.

The class has been very educational and engaging. The professor wants to teach the class — it’s her area of expertise — and it shows. She’ll show up every morning, ready to lecture in her flowing robes, spiked hair almost reminiscent of a sea urchin (I say that affectionately!). Without fail, she starts each class with at least five minutes of video from a Fleetwood Mac concert. Stevie and Lindsey are our class couple; we apply material from the readings and discussions to them. I’m starting to really like their music, perhaps because it is the first time I’ve learned about a song’s context beyond googling the lyrics.

The material itself is highly relevant, which helps keep everyone interested and invested in the class. The assignments rarely feel like busy work (no exams, thank goodness), usually requiring us to apply the material to our own lives or talk about it with someone else. Being autistic, I’m usually among the last to figure out things that come naturally to others, so being able to reverse that role in a small way has been satisfying.

In the most recent lecture, we talked about resolving conflict. The main focus was on giving oneself space to emotionally deactivate, as conflict resolution is hard when people are emotional. When things have cooled off, anything that increases empathy helps: be vulnerable, express how you felt, use active listening. While sitting in lecture, I experienced the sudden recollection of several visits to guidance counselors from when I was in elementary school. I chuckled at the insight that deep down, we’re just really complicated kids.

*****

That’s about all I have time for today. College is going well; we’re about 3/4ths of the way through the semester, so I anticipate we’ll start talking about final exams soon. I’ll try not to have too much fun (/s).

Things are going well for me socially. I don’t have a boyfriend, and I might be years from having one yet, but I’m nonetheless figuring out what I want in a relationship with some help from my friends (with benefits). Meanwhile, I’m taking time for self care, including seeing a therapist about twice a month and making time for myself to cook or otherwise do things I enjoy. I cannot overstate the importance of having a good connection with oneself.

I feel like I’ve finally arrived in adulthood. I’m 24 (“Almost 25!,” I insist, like a gradeschooler stretching his back for that extra inch before his mother marks his height on the wall), but I feel much farther from my 18-year-old self than six (“Seven!,” he shouts again) years can account for. It’s a good change, and I both am comfortable where I’m at and look forward eagerly to the person I know I will be.

I wish I had some witty remark to end this journal on, but I’ll just settle with wishing you all the best. Remember to love yourselves, you kinky fucks.

Arben

It’s been a while!

I’ve gone back to college this year. I am studying computer science. I figured I should at least try to give a little update while I found some time between scarfing down food and running between classes.

It’s a good change; I could tell that I needed to address what I wanted to do with my life eventually. I couldn’t stay in my designer position forever.

*****

I am looking for a fursuit specialist. I want to build wings for my fursuit — folding, mechanical wings (think how Buzz Lightyear’s wings from Toy Story rotate up/down hand you basically have it) — but I realized I have no idea what I’m doing. Does anyone know someone who I could pay to construct said wings, or at least could advise me on it? Any advice on the practical issues to large fursuit props would be advisable, too.

The wings would attach to a custom-made harness. I’m thinking balsa wood for the frame and a light leather or durable tarp material for the membranes. Note that the wings aren’t meant to look organic in the slightest — the idea is Arben, being an inventor, created a lightweight glider. I can give more details to anyone who is interested.

The news of Ajani’s compleation affected me pretty heavily. I didn’t know I was so attached to Ajani, but I was. It makes sense: Magic is a pretty strong part of my identity. My sona has red and blue markings for the Izzet guild. Ajani is my laptop background. I would have wild fantasies of him turning me into a Leonin and increasing our power (usually by going infinite). But beyond that, he was just really hot, I love what he stood for, and I loved his mechanics (albeit I didn’t play him in many decks, as I enjoy playing Izzet much more). I don’t think Ajani is a symbol for me coming out, though I got into Magic at about the same time I really started to be comfortable with being gay and a furry.

I’m so upset at Wizards. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think they’re bringing him back, either. We’ll never get more cards of our giant, muscular, loving, anthro white lion.

Fuck. I don’t know. I’m trying to get over it, as I start college classes this Monday, but it’s hard.

I’m going to BLFC and AWU 2022! Maybe you’ll run into me there?

Generally, I’m doing alright. I think I’m “languishing” – I put it in quotes because I think it’s more a buzzword from an article than a legitimate psychologist’s term, but it means a joyless state somewhere between flourishing (“normal life”) and depression or other mental illness. Essentially, life feels empty most of the time, but I don’t have any symptoms of mental illness.

That’s probably connected to my struggles in figuring out what I want to do with my life. I might be going back to college soon to study computing. My job where I currently work is all right, but there’s really nothing for me in it. There is nothing that I fundamentally enjoy doing enough to feel like I have a purpose there.

Beyond that, I am trying to puzzle out relationships. I don’t know what I want from a partner, whether it be just sexual, romantic, or both. I’ve also been trying to figure out how to balance my social life with the rest of my life. It’s a very tricky struggle, one that everyone faces, but I can’t help but feel like I don’t know where to turn to find answers.

Don’t take this the wrong way, though. All of what I’ve written makes it sound like I am not enjoying my life right now. I’m managing to have a pretty good time despite everything I’m facing. I am doing a lot of social stuff, making meaningful relationships, and really delving into hobbies I enjoy.

Along with all of this, I’ve been working on a few projects that I will eventually post here. One is a story I am writing in response to a request, while the other is a Collab between me and another person. I don’t know how many more of these big projects I will do in the future, as it often takes me a good deal of time on my best days to be able to continue a story I’ve been writing. I think I am more comfortable keeping my stories to short, unedited works.

Hey! It’s been a while since I posted. I figured I should say something.

Things are going well for me. Been expanding my social life with the various furry groups in the Salt Lake area like game night, fluff parties/underwear night at the bars, and coffee meets. Honestly, hanging out like this makes me really happy. I think I’ve found a place where I belong.

I’m also keeping up with some non-furry friends and activities. Belegarth foam weapon fighting tuned down for Winter, but ice skating picked back up so I still have some means of exercise. Magic: the Gathering is always a thing. D&D is excellent.

I’ve 3D printed a lot more lately. Creating stuff makes me happy. I’ve also expanded my cooking abilities slightly by getting comfortable with making rouxs.

I’ve debated whether I should go to MidWest FurFest. I wanted to try my hand at traveling for a convention, but ultimately decided to hunker down a bit financially to save for next year’s more accessible Utah cons. AWU 2022, baby!

My requests queue moves as though in molasses, as usual. I have a Wolf O’Donnell twinning story I’m almost done with, then a few possible ideas lined up. Some of these ideas are from months ago; it takes me an eternity and a half, at times, but at least for the moment I’m content with the balance I’ve struck with everything.

Hello!

I've been writing a lot lately. As I wrote (and read the writing of others), I had a few ideas occur to me -- easy principles people may use to improve their writing. This won't teach someone how to be the next Robert Jordan or Mark Twain, but it will help pick the low-hanging fruit.

VARIANCE

The number one tip I can give anyone is what I'd refer to as "variance."

Simply put, variance measures how widely your word choice and sentence structure vary across your writing. Unlike intentional repetition, unintentional repetition usually weakens writing.

Word Choice

Unless you've been trained in writing for years on end, there will be words you use far too often. I'm not talking about how there are only so many ways to refer to a man's primary sexual organ -- sometimes, there's no good way to avoid a crucial words in a piece. In this article, for example, there aren't too many other ways to say "word," "paragraph," and "page."

I'm referring instead to words like "sudden" and "suddenly." As an exercise, read through the last story you wrote and count how many times you use the word "sudden" or "suddenly." While their overuse is typically a symptom of weak transitions or pacing, you could at least substitute it for "abrupt," "unexpected," "jarring," "surprisingly," or any other listing you might find in a thesaurus.

Oh, but do not go to a thesaurus and change words out at random. Make sure you know what you're saying. Bigger, fancier words only enhance your writing when you use the right word, one where the finer connotations make sense.

Aside from repetitive word choice (where you'll see the same word many times across pages or even paragraphs), there's local variance. If your last paragraph began with "As the reptile slid down from the tree, ..." you probably don't want to begin this one with "As the reptile slid closer, ...." Try "As the snake slithered closer, ..."; while it still uses a repetitive structure, this opener works far better than using the exact same dependent clause.

Sentence Structure

Sentence structure is similar to word choice. The more interesting your structure, the better (within reason).

Simple sentences. Compound sentences. Colons, semicolons, em dashes, parenthesis, and lists. How often do you experiment with different grammatical structures across your writing?

Beyond that, there's functional words and structures. Do you use While, As, During, Begins/Began, Starts, Then, and other such "timing words" often in your writing? If so, is it for a good reason, or would the timing be clear even without them?

How do you indicate dialog? Is the quote always immediately followed by he/she/they said? The functional words surrounding dialog can be difficult to vary effectively if for no other reason than how often they are needed. This is one place where you can learn a lot by turning to a novel for examples.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING

Proper grammar is important!

I'm not reading the smut you quickly scribbled down while "enjoying" your favorite artist's latest piece because I want a well-composed English essay, you are correct. Grammatical errors are generally tolerable: capitalizing words for no good reason is annoying, but not deal-breaking. However, when your grammatical structure has the cohesive ability of a glue stick in water, I don't want to read it. If your grammar is so poor that others cannot understand what you are saying, you need to start worrying about it -- even for hastily composed smut.

Thanks to modern spellchecking, most writers can avoid misspelled words.

PROPER FLOW AND PROOFREADING

The next level up from grammar is proper flow. The next level up from spelling is proofreading.

Proper Flow

While some people struggle with it, writing should flow as smoothly as speaking. If you have trouble with making your writing feel natural, study your own ideas. Once you know what you want to say, record yourself speaking about them out loud. Transcribe what you said to paper. You now have a smoothly-written piece!

If you have trouble placing commas and other grammatical indicators where they should go, study each one until you know their proper uses. Reading the works of skilled writers will help, as well. This means reading a book, by the way, not reading well-written porn (but feel free to do that, too).

One of the biggest grammatical crimes I see in porn is an unclear change in subject. This is both when using an ill-composed sentence and when using pronouns so frequently that the reader can no longer follow who is performing what action to whom. "The werewolf took a step forward towards the homophobic team captain who let out a scream of pure terror. He pushed his two "friends" towards the former human and took off running." "who let out a scream of pure terror" wasn't properly appended to the first sentence. All it needs is a comma just before it, right at the end of "captain." In the second sentence, "He" refers to the team captain, but the previous sentence makes readers think that "He" refers to the werewolf.

Proofreading

The next level up from spelling is proofreading.

Reread your writing at least once. Spellcheck flags most things, but the missing T in "Yes, he sandwich was delicious" slips by undetected. Proofreading will also catch a number of other issues, including variance and awkward phrasing.

PROGRESSION OF IDEAS

For a higher level discussion, consider how the ideas flow through your stories.

Does the order you choose to mention independent details create a logical step from one idea to the next? If two characters just kissed, one of them might note the other's smug grin, smoky eyes, and handsome face before tracing down his muscled form and ending with comments about his genitals. The next paragraph might depict that character kneeling in front of the other to proffer oral stimulation. In that case, the ideas follow one another. It makes more sense than if the character started by noting the genitals and moving up from there.

For another example, consider how I wrote this journal. "Grammar and spelling" is immediately followed by "Proper flow and proofreading." That wasn't on accident.



Though I was relatively brief, you must excuse me now. I have a week to prepare for. I hope this helps someone!

--Arben Sear

What, me? Post a short journal?
Yes.

My profile and commissions have been updated. Stories are $5 to me and $5 extra to whoever you commission next ($10 total). Bring your thinking caps, as I won't write until we've come up with an idea I feel I can work with.
3D commissions are closed until I've learned Blender.

*****

I have a few commissions from others in the works, including a cloak pin from a local blacksmith. I'm going to wear it to my next Dungeons and Dragons session, the first one since COVID.
Aside from that, I've gotten more into roleplays. Apparently, I'm a really good author/RP-er. I still think I'm trash, but then again I'm comparing myself to the likes of Robert Jordan.
I've gotten into LARP. Specifically, Beleguard. Foam weapon fighting. It's a good workout. Meanwhile, ice skating continues to go well.

*****

Night.

I'm 100% certain that my journal name is unique. Anyone with the same title was copying me.

I just uploaded five written stories. That's all for now! However, I'd like to give a commission change announcement: At the moment, I'm open for any number of "off the cuff" stories like the five I uploaded. I sit down with an idea that inspires me, write for two or three hours, and return something about two or three pages long. I will charge $5 for said commission, which isn't much I don't think. The catch is the *next* person you commission after me, you tip them $5 extra on top of what you would normally pay them. I'm not doing this for money, so making it this way feels much more rewarding.

Reach out to me in notes if you're interested. I won't take every idea that I receive, as I feel I wouldn't be able to write effectively about something if it doesn't turn me on as well. To give you an idea of what I'm thinking of: male, perhaps herm. Usually NSFW, but it really doesn't have to be. Similarly, usually about Transformation, but doesn't have to be. Lions are a big plus, but most any species larger than a man will do quite well for me. That being said, all of these are general guidelines. I could accept any idea, honestly, but I don't want to accept ideas I don't think I'd do a good job with.

If you reach out to me and tell me you want a story, we can trade ideas back and forth until we settle on something. And, being completely honest, I could probably flesh out whatever I write until it's a bit more comprehensively done than the stories I posted. I guarantee you it won't end like "When wolves take the long hunt" did.

******

Now for the updates about my life:

I'm doing well enough. Work feels more stable, if not a solved problem. My supervisors have given me assignments I know how to work on, thank goodness.

My mom has been in and out of the ER with suicide ideation. The doctors are working to balance her meds and see if she'll stabilize. I'm not 100% sure how the rest of my family is taking it, but I've mostly weathered away any shorter term panic at changes in my mom's condition. I know there's a lot of unresolved emotions I have about it, but for the most part I'm not a heavily emotion-driven person.

I've gone ice skating for a few months now at least. I know how to do crossovers, I can skate backwards (and look behind me! which is important! Still working on stopping), and I enjoy skating to the beat of whatever song they pump over the speakers. It's good exercise, which is why I've kept with it. I tend to be stubborn about things I decide I need to do.

I'm no longer going to travel for work like I thought I was. I'm pretty sure that because it's because I got burned (and thus should be careful about getting sunburned). I think the temp agency decided they'd rather hire another temp than train an employee who might not be able to fill the full job requirements. My burns, by the way, are healed up. I'm in the early stages of my own Mederma treatment, a special ointment that should completely erase the scars within a few months.

I'm going to get my second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on May 4th. Too bad I'm not a big Star Wars fan.

Magic: the Gathering proves to be my big pastime. I want to save up for things like a tattoo, a fursuit, and paragliding lessons, but Magic kept draining my entertainment/discretionary budget. I compromised by cutting the category in half. I'm not saving up as fast as I would like, sure, but it's more than I was saving before.

I'm also writing this at 11PM MST. Usually, I got to bed by 10PM and wake up at 5:50AM [on weekdays]. While I allow myself to stay up late on weekends, I can't get much later than right now while keeping a clear head. Goodnight, and may you dream aggressively of your sexual fantasies.

I need to go to bed, so I’ll try to make this brief.

Hahaha, we know how that goes.

First, I’m starting to get really involved in the furry community. I’ve chatted with Aedrion and  LucasReturns, I’ve found a favorite discord server that caters to male transformation, and I’ve even started to produce my own work. Of my goals and aspirations for my initial steps as an active member in the furry fandom, all that’s left is to connect with local furries and potentially start dating :o

Yeah, I’m lonely. Moreover, I’m aware that I need to start dating at some point if I’m to find a dedicated partner I can come home to (and/or vice versa) and enjoy a deep, two-way, emotional reliance with. [My friend, “Cat,” has proven to be good company and a solid person to spend time with, but we haven’t gotten around to dating much.] But you probably don’t want to hear about that.


In other news, I’ve started fleshing out my fursona and two other characters. They are Arben Sear (a lion), Felix Sear (a fox), and Aullo Sear (a dragon). They’ve adopted the Sear surname in what I suppose you could call marriage. Arben loves to invent, Felix is a rogue-ish figure, and Aullo just wants to go fast. Arben can use fire and ice, Felix prefers illusionary magic, and Aullo’s learning to manipulate time. Arben is a switch, Felix (who is bi) tops, and Aullo bottoms. All three are pretty smart in their own way; Arben can think deeply on something and come up with solid insights, Felix is wonderfully clever, and Aullo is just as fast with his quick deductions as he is in the sky.

They’re solid concepts, they don’t feel like a 15-year-old’s first OC submission to fandom dot net, and overall I’m pretty happy with them. However, I won’t try to give a solid introduction of them here outside of the brief glimpse above. Suffice it to say Arben is my sona, but I tried to make all three feel alive.


In other news, Utah is permitting the general public to receive the Coronavirus vaccine! I don’t know if I can get mine before having to travel for business for a few months, so fingers crossed that I can!

I burned myself pretty badly with some cooking oil earlier this week. My apartment’s electric stove takes so long to heat up that I let it get too hot while chatting with some people on my favorite discord. When I threw the salmon filet in, the oil splattered up and across my arm. Nothing else was caught. I suffered mostly first degree burns, with two or three places developing second degree patches. Six days later, the blisters have come and gone and I’m just keeping the wounds clean so they heal properly. I’m confident that I’ll heal fully, but it does mean my modeling was delayed. Tsk tsk.


My mom was put on hospice a few months ago. They took her off this week, as she didn’t continue to decline like they thought she would when they put her on. I care about her, but I’ve mostly accepted her condition as terminal. I feel a step removed from the emotional tempest it could be.


I think that’s everything noteworthy so far. I’m not about to stay up longer and rack my brain for more content. Goodnight!

It’s late and as such I won’t write much (hahaha, watch as I write another three pages), but I just had something amazing happen.

I’ve been hanging out at a local game store a lot. I always have; I stopped a bit with Corona but now we just wear face masks and though I’m a little uncomfortable with being so close to so many people the chance to just hang out with people is so refreshing.

There’s this one friend I have. Let’s call him Cat. Anyway, I’ve been hanging out with him a lot. Gave him rides home, did a $200 trade with him today (help me Magic is expensive), etc. Long story short, I texted him telling him I’m a furry. I wanted to let someone else know. He replied saying he was too! And that makes me SO FRIGGIN HAPPY because I could ask him about all sorts of things, like “is it normal to ask someone you just learned is a furry if they like explicit art, or is that like asking someone who also works as a chef if they have a food fetish?” Or “ok, but what actually is role play? The closest I’ve gotten is logging into a Minecraft realms server and by chance encountering some strangers in chat as one described their eye color changing as they were overcome with emotion.” He’s bi, he’s into all sorts of kinky stuff, and yeah! I don’t know what else to say. It was a relief to actually talk openly about that kind of stuff. The closest I’ve gotten to talking about sex with friends (or having sex, or understand what is normal for sex, or basically anything remotely touching sex outside of a very porn-oriented setting) is sometimes asking people about dating, and only a handful of times at that!

Phew, I’m tired. But I’m so happy! Goodnight.


Oh, and I’ve at this point confirmed two commissions in the works, one from two months ago and one maybe a month ago. Both are for my fursona. His name is Arben and he’s a gay anthro lion. :3

I'll try to make this quick. I was lying in my bed, trying to fall asleep, when a thought crossed my mind. I knew exactly how I would explain "how am I not gay" to myself and to others with perfect accuracy, which isn't something I had been able to accomplish yet.

Here's what I mean:

I wouldn't consider myself gay, but I like gay porn. I know why this happened -- being raised in a religious household, I immediately associated seeing naked women with sin, but two men hanging out in swimming suits was fine... then two men getting kinda close in speedos was fine... then getting really close... especially when they're fox men or something, right?

But I hadn't been able to explain why I don't believe I'm gay. I realized I don't think I'm "gay" because I don't really understand how that would feel. I could say "I'm gay" or consider the statement, but I don't have a good grasp on what it means to be attracted to someone. I know how it feels to lust after someone or something, and I know how it feels to enjoy being in another's presence, but I'm inexperienced when it comes to wanting a lasting and meaningful romance.

I should note, I haven't had a one-night stand or things like that. I'm actually still a virgin who's never kissed a girl (or guy). I think I've gone on one date. I haven't felt heavily compelled to do so, moreso because it hasn't ever interested me than due to any social awkwardness.

I actually had one moment where I totally fell for a girl in a really cute and wholesome "Oh my gosh she likes piano and classical music and math and statistics and the Legend of Zelda and other Nintendo things and she's also a nerd and what do I do I can't find any words to speak ah" kind of way. So I really might not be gay*. Except that it's the naked lion men that turn me on, not the naked lion women.

Goodness, am I messed up or what?

(Though I'm pretty sure every furry has said something like that to themselves at least once, based on what I've read.)

Once again, I'm sorry if this is too much detail for a journal and I'm breaking some site rule because I haven't clicked on some setting to mark this journal's rating. -\(^~^)/-


*I would add that I am more or less innocent, like a child. I've seen some of the roughness of life secondhand, especially when serving on my religious mission, so I'm not totally sheltered and naive. However, I know I still live in a different world from most people and haven't had to accept the harshness that is par for the course for some.


***********


On a completely unrelated note, thanks to watching handbooker helper's videos in an effort to understand D&D better, I realize that I'm very insightful (logic, internal processing, etc) while being socially unperceptive (not likely to pick up on things). I can read a room well enough, but I still miss key things that seem obvious social etiquette to most people. I base this off Reddit's AITA, which... well, could be misleading.

It's not like I'm 20% clueless 80% of the time. It's like 98% of the time, I'm just like any other person in a social setting. But then there's the 2%s where I wouldn't have thought asking someone to not chew with their mouth open would sound so rude and awkward, or I'm not sure if asking to join semi-mutual friends' at-home hangout group or dinner is wrong when they're perfectly fine with me asking.


**********


Anyway, to loosely quote Brawl in the Family, "I am ready to feel the soft embrace of my pillow upon my face."

Hey,

Something recently made me think about writing another journal here. Honestly, I am fully willing to put everything out there -- all the details of my life up to this point -- except I don't have the motivation to do so. When I say that, I could be talking about something like how a college student might not have the motivation to cook for him or herself, so they just buy some microwavable meals and make due. I don't have some kind of depression stopping me from expressing myself. (The whole reason I wrote this was so people wouldn't get me wrong, as I know not a few other artists have problems with motivation and it can be easy to misread written text).

The reason I'm willing to share so openly is it's a good place to vent, not having a private journal for myself. Even if someone recognized me from this site, they wouldn't exactly bring it up -- "Wait, how'd you find this? ...It was, well... a furry porn site?"

Enough rambling. I can't remember if I've already shared this with you guys here, but this is what happened and how I felt:

After looking at some furry art (I'm not sure if I have to be PG in journals or if I can talk about, say, masturbation here, but it doesn't matter right now), I looked at Reddit's /r/eyebleach. Scrolling through the posts, I found one about a girl who just got admitted to her dream master's program. She kept it a secret from her parents up until now. The video ended after both her mom and her dad hugging her.

It made me wish that my mom could get just as excited for me. My mom's in a care center with something like early onset dementia (more like catatonia, but I can't remember the specifics).

It sucks and I know I should feel sad. I probably do on some deeper level, but that's a whole mess for some other journal. I also thought about how things are sorting out for me for college -- which is another mess for yet another journal -- and generally caused a semi-familiar sequence of emotions to roll over me. I showered and got ready for bed, as I needed to get up for technical college in the morning, then decided to write this journal.


I'll give you a summary of my life that isn't as short as my last journal.

I grew up the youngest of four. I had a knack for school, being able to get straight "A"s with little effort outside of the classroom. What's more, my dad was probably within the top 1% of income in the USA, but I honestly didn't know. I thought we lived pretty modestly; we just happened to have a pool and a big TV when most other families I knew didn't. Besides, everyone in our neighborhood had a bigger house!

Up until I got to college, I thought I would be a mathematician. I lived in a world of logic and loved it. But when college came, I had to know how to study. I hadn't really done that before, while figuring out how wasn't any easier.

Outside of that, my dad had developed cancer a few years prior. While he found a clinical trial that brought him to complete remission, the treatment he received was brand new. Under the law, he had a terminal illness and was considered permanently disabled.

This worked in my favor: my dad was retired early due to disability, which made college very cheap. But later on, my mom's mental health started to worsen. To help pay for my mom's care, my dad withdrew from his savings; due to the regulations behind these bank accounts, this counted as taxable income. My financial aid went south, making college triple in price for me.

After having the tuition adjusted -- "Hey! My dad's still retired, he isn't making any money!" -- college tuition sat at about twice what we were planning on (and the college I went to -- near the top in the nation for mathematics -- wasn't cheap). Faced with the decision to spend $40k for a year of college or find something else to do, I chose the later option. I had spent a good amount of effort connecting with the academic support groups around campus, but it just wasn't working out for me. The worst I did was flunk (general) class and get two Cs in my math classes, but I felt that if I was paying $40k per year, the college should have the right resources to help me out. While I didn't blame them, I knew I wasn't likely to get the value I needed out of it.

Faced with the alternative, I decided to look into what laser cutters and 3D printers had to offer. It was something that fascinated me during my freshman year of college when mathematics lost its glamour.

*****

"But Multispatial_Rending, how'd you become a furry?"

I was never very social. Rather, I was never very proactive in being social. I talked with people, got along with others, and even made friends at school or scouts or other organized activities, but after elementary school I guess I dropped the whole "going over to one another's houses" thing. That was part of the reason.

I'd say the other part was that my family is religious, oddly enough. I spent a lot of time on flash game websites. I can remember the banner ads with girls in swimming suits asking me to click on them; I thought it was weird. As what I can only call my emerging sexuality developed, I was turned away from looking at pictures of girls. Looking at pictures of guys didn't have any attraction for me, either.

I don't quite know how it happened, but I found the furry community. I know I spent time googling random things on the computer, so it makes sense that I could stumble across it like I did. But because I ran into -- who was it, justin Fox? Someone on DeviantArt with a white, very muscular fox that I believe was named Justin -- anyway, because I ran into pictures of muscular fox men with their swimming suits on, I wasn't turned away like I was with straight-up porn. I didn't suspect a thing.

I don't think I need to go into detail about how that turned into masturbation.

I realize that there is more to this story, but I've already answered the question of how I became a furry. Perhaps some other time.

*****

That feels like a weird note to close a journal on, so I'm trying to think of something else to share.

I won a smash tourney last weekend. That was fun. Ever since I gave my Nintendo Switch away to my brother in law as a wedding present, I've gotten deep into Magic: the Gathering. (Ironically, I gave the switch away to develop a work ethic and, to a lesser degree, to spend less money on video games. Hahahahaha.) For winning it, I got a $20 card. That felt nice.

I've started playing DnD recently. Now, the weeks can't go by fast enough! I barely know what I'm doing, but my DM told me to try to homebrew so I did. Reddit laughed at me. I filled the week since then by playing MTG, designing stuff for DnD with my newbie CAD skills, and trying to adjust my character's abilities. This is outside of attending technical college for something like 30 hours a week.

My family is very close. I'm fortunate in that regard. My three older siblings, myself, and my parents have a weekly video chat to catch up about what's new with everyone. While it can be inconvenient, I don't think I've ever wanted to skip the call.

My apartment is ok. There's no proper kitchen (a plug-in hot plate for cooking and the bathroom sink for dishes :3), the wifi is fast enough but disconnects me just frequently enough to make gaming inconvenient, the heat keeps me warm enough so I'm not uncomfortable (but not comfortable), and the hot water is just enough to take a not-quite-there-yet warm bath. BUT the location is perfect and the rent is cheap. The landlady is not professional -- it's a room in her basement, which she has converted into 3 apartments with a common room and bath -- so it's not like she's being a slumlord. She's rather quite the adorable little grandma.

*****

My mind is usually occupied by thoughts of whatever I'm doing, but given empty time I know I subconsciously worry about being successful in life. I think about what I want from life, what I want to do in life, what I think about God and religion, etc.

I enjoy doing things well. If I'm confident about how well I can do something, I'll thrive. Conversely, I start to crumble internally if I don't think I can do well at something.

I like puns, but only good ones. I'm not going to get into the details, as I'm sure it wouldn't be something interesting to read :)

*****

It's amazing how fast an hour can pass! Goodnight!

Well, I figure I have to start somewhere. Today, I will explain why I chose the username I did.

I am a mathematics major at a somewhat competitive school in the USA. While learning about linear algebra, I remember hearing the term "Multispatial." It sounded cool.

The other half of my name is more complicated, but essentially I felt (and sometimes still feel) shame over being a furry. Er, I'm not sure "being a furry" is even the right way to say it because I'm not sure I would even consider myself one, but I just ordered some equipment from Bad Dragon so I guess I can't really say differently anymore.

I could write a small book on my backstory, but I'm not ready for that yet. Instead, I'll describe a bit about myself. I'm a guy, 21, just a little under six feet. 5'11", but wants to call himself 6'. I am mildly Autistic, like numbers and logic, and am a gamer. If you passed me on the street, you'd think I was pretty normal -- and I am.

Maybe I'll write more about myself later. It's a process -- figuring out what you want the (furry) world to know about you, figuring out how to explain everything so it's not just a mess of words, figuring out how well you'd want someone you know to be able to draw the lines back to you if they somehow found this. As I guessed, it's a process. Just writing something will do for now, I suppose.