It's funny, in a horrible sort of way. A little over a year ago, I cleared off a journal about F-List and such, and talked about how life hasn't really been kind to me, but someone in particular was.

 forest-wolf

I said in that journal that he was basically the best furry ever, and didn't expound upon that.

Forest passed away yesterday, hence my upload at that time. I'm going to talk a little bit about him now, because I couldn't then, and I keep crying today but I have to talk about it.

I met Forest something like ten years ago. I know this because that's the "created" date on the first image he ever drew for me. It had to be around then, probably a little further. We'd spoken on Skype for years, before I finally swapped over to Discord.

We would chat constantly about things. It wasn't always about the fetishy stuff. Sometimes we just...talked about life. About how things were going.

At one point, he was struggling with a decision. He was looking at the possibility of a new job. One that had a better commute, and much better pay, but he was worried about leaving his current place of business. I told him to take the opportunity. To do something different, to really make a jump and go for it, and he did.

What wound up happening was, Forest ended up making a LOT more money. And with that, he turned around and put it into the community at large. He helped out everybody he could, was gregarious with his money. He offered a lot of it to me at times...I never really took him up on it. I could've used it, but I was encouraging /him/ to make that money, because he needed it. He was taking care of his dad in his poor health, he needed a new car...and then he was helping people who were in tough spots, rough binds, difficult places.

My boyfriend of many years, behind my back, talked to Forest. I'm typing to you from a PC he helped put together and build. And that's not all he did for me. I mentioned in that previous journal that we have a living space thanks to him. And...we do. A little over a year ago, I was basically lied to by my company and I'm not making as much as I was promised I would. I was struggling with finding a place to live here in Washington. Forest didn't have room in his house for the two of us, and I completely understood, but we were running out of time to find an apartment near us that we could afford to live in. I'm making most of the money in the house. That's...rough nowadays.

Forest signed our lease as a co-signer.

Forest literally put a roof over my head, and kept me sane and safe. I've been living without any roommates save my boyfriend for the past year, thanks to Forest. I've moved seven times in the past ten years thanks to so many roommate situations that didn't work out; some of them due to awful people, most of them due to just bad timing and poor coincidence. Forest insisted he was paying me back for helping him make a decision that made his life better.

I don't know if I did all that. But I do know that it mattered. We'd chat. Sometimes late at night, or so early in the morning it was still late for him. I would pebble him, send him funny little memes. I talked with him about kinks, and we swapped brainstorming sessions about scenes, scenarios, characters, interactions. I coaxed him to explore those interests; never in a way that was making him embrace it, never in a way that was demanding, and he found he loved indulging it some, even if he couldn't bring himself to do so as publicly as he'd like. We talked for hours and hours.

Sometimes he would apologize, because I know I'm not the only one who'd chat with him. He had dozens of friends, if not hundreds, all of whom wanted his time, all of whom valued his input. For good reason; he had excellent taste, a wonderful sense of humor, a fantastic way of designing things. Sometimes it'd get to be too much. I'd always tell him, he doesn't have to worry about not talking to me all the time. Sometimes he needs a break, and that's okay. But...he'd still message me from time to time, instead of needing me to. And that mattered a lot to me, whenever he would.

He'd talk about dreams he'd had. Thoughts. He dreamed about sleeping with Murdock. Not necessarily having sex with him, just...he'd dream that he'd woken up in bed, under the covers, and there he was, sleeping too. He'd wrap his arms around the mog and get snuggled back into. That warmed my heart, so, so much. Nobody had ever told me they'd dreamed about my characters, that they'd occupied their mind so much their brain would have them interact in dreamland.

We played games together. Deep Rock Galactic, some other co-op stuff...I got him into Vermintide and eventually Darktide. We laughed as we played co-op games; sometimes we'd get wrecked, sometimes we'd do the wrecking. I'd explain the lore of the games, and talk about them, but despite their grimdark tendencies I'd always try to tell jokes and laugh about them. We were looking forward to playing Space Marine together. I wanted to play a Salamander with him. I figure he'd go with Space Wolves, but...knowing him he'd probably make a custom chapter too.

He's done so much for me over the years. When I got the news I was...numb. Stunned. I drove home in a fugue state, unable to think straight. I kept having to stop thinking about him, about what I had to face, because I'd start crying and it'd be unsafe to drive. I've been crying off and on since I got home yesterday, took today off to try to grieve some.

I realized, though, on that drive home that...I didn't have a single thought of self-loathing, no unbidden thoughts at all. It was like...like his hand was on my shoulder. Telling me I had to do good in the world now, because he couldn't. I'm not a religious person, I don't...I don't fall in with that stuff anymore. But that's what it felt like.

I didn't drink a drop of alcohol, either. Didn't even think to stop by the store and grab any. It wasn't what he would've wanted, not from me in particular. Some people, that's how they can deal. But not me, not anymore.

If I could get through losing him without drinking...I know I can keep up that streak.

Even losing you has you doing me a favor, wuff. How the hell are you this good at being good to people?

I've reached out to some of his friends that I'd known tangentially. Some of whom I had only recently started chatting with. I hope to start chatting much more often. If they were friends with him, they're worth it. I have to hope I can be worth it too.

I have to do better. I have to be better. For him, for all of us. There's so much slack in the way of doing right by everybody, now that he's gone. We all have to help out. But it won't start until we all help out. It starts with us. It starts with me. It has to. Otherwise, there wouldn't be any point.

I keep typing about him like it's in the present tense. I'm reminded of Carlin on the set of Dogma, unable to remove his wife's wedding ring, so they put a band-aid over it for his role as a cardinal. I don't want to take the band-aid off. I don't want it to be real.

I fully expected him to outlive me, you know. I've started to notice a decline in my health this year. It's to be expected, I'm thirty-five. I used to drink like a fish; I've stopped, for years now, but it's still going to have its toll. I genuinely figured with how much he worked out, kept in shape...I thought he'd be here long after I was.

I told him in a conversation a few months ago about how I was feeling about that. I told him...I told him if anything happened to me. I wanted him to have Murdock. I wanted him to use him, for MouseCakes, for projects, for artwork...he'd dreamed about Murdock, he loved him so much. Of course he deserved to own him.

And now he's gone. And I'm still here. And I don't feel like I should be. I wish he as here instead. But he's not.

I miss you, wuff. I miss you so bad.

Crying again.

I'll cut it here, then.

Just...be good to each other, people. Please. We need more of it now that he's not here to hold that weight up for us.

Hey all.

Been awhile, I know.

Things haven't cleared up like I'd hoped.

Living situation has been chaotic. Hasn't been easy.

That's going to change. And yet it isn't. New apartment.  spottedsqueak is literally the most awesome furry ever, and deserves all the love from everyone for all the kindness they put into the world, and have done for me. It's going to be expensive. Lot of money every month, but...it's a spacious one, for me and my significant other, and we can be at peace in it. I hope.

I hope to have more updates for you all in the near future.

So, I know my account hasn't been super-active recently, because life is crappy and likes to remind me I do not deserve money, but there's been an issue going on that I've noticed, specifically on a certain website: F-List.

I have an F-List. This is it. https://www.f-list.net/c/murdock/

I don't really RP very much anymore, though sometimes you might see me lurking in a chatroom or something. But my main concern is this: I keep seeing people, pretty infrequently, thankfully, but it's happened, taking images I've commissioned and posting them on their F-List profile as if it represents their character. Sometimes people make little edits to it and such.

I don't really appreciate it.

/Especially/ since more often than not, when I see someone's made an edit to it, they actively remove the original artist's signature from it. That's a BIG no-no for me.

Now, I /will/ clarify. Up to this point, my policy has always been to quietly contact the admins and inform them of the issue, and request art takedowns. And it's happened pretty much every time, so I'm not really upset about it. I don't want to cause drama with anybody, or throw a big tantrum because "Hurr blurr muh characters" and whatnot, just don't take what I've spent money and an artist has spent time on and claim it as yours, that's that. In fact, one time we had a hilarious moment where a guy used a pic of Murdy, I requested its deletion and it was removed, and he put up /another/ pic of Murdy, which I requested taken down and it was taken down--and then he posts on his profile "OMG I'M SO SORRY MURDOCK".

Turns out, he literally just googled "femboy moogle" and got two images of Murdy in a row. We totally talked about it on Discord, he was a sweetie, not even mad at that, lol. One of these days I may just get a pic done where Murdy catches him trying on his clothes or something and makes a joke about a doppelganger. X3

But I digress.

If you want to roleplay as the character Murdock the Moogle, you do not have my permission. He is mine, and actions undertaken by impostors could give people the wrong idea about who I am. If you want to use artwork I have commissioned to represent your unrelated character, you do not have my permission, for the same reason. If you want to edit my pictures and claim you're someone entirely different, I'm more than likely going to say "no", but if you go out of your way to make the edit different enough nobody's going to mistake the character, you can ask. I'm open for discussion, I'm not going to tell you to eff off or anything. But even if I do say yes, you'd darn well better keep the original artist's signature on their work. They did the hard part.

Just putting that out there so my opinion is clear. Not really meant to be a negative journal, just an informative one. So...how about a dad joke to round things out?

It turns out, the KKK owns their own space station up in orbit. They've been doing research in an attempt to prove white supremacy, by conducting tests on people of various races, and have started out by having these various people of color run laps, noting times. However, they all come to the conclusion that in order to well and truly provide irrefutable results, they must use the scientific method and not hamstring any of the subjects in any way.

You k now what that means, don't you?

It means space-based racists base space races and rate on case-by-case basis.

*ba-dum psh*

(Say it out loud if you don't get it)

I tried it awhile back, years and years ago. There's probably better avatars on the market now, and I wonder if I can get Murdy to look alright now.

Lemme know if you're willing to guide someone who's real rusty at it. I'm curious.

Heya, folks.

Hope you've been enjoying the recent postings and floods and such. Make sure you thank  spottedsqueak for most of those, he worked hard and is a sweetie.

I wrote some fanfiction for  fidchellvore the other day; am contemplating posting it here, since everything here has been done by someone else, rather than myself. And also it uses a different character than Murdock. So, it feels a little weird.

Either way, I'm about to head off to work. Yep, working my birthday. I'm the only person available today who's certified for phone repair, so I gotta be in.

Big three-oh. Shit, I'm getting old.

Hey guys.

So life has not exactly been kind to me as of late.

I'll spare you the details, but I've slugged it out and waded through the muck and the grime to finally land myself a 40-hour-a-week job. With benefits. And vacation time after a year.

This is pretty good.

With this news in hand, I decided to get myself a new reference sheet, which you've no doubt noticed.

I have some stuff a few very generous friends have done for me through the years since I've last posted, and I will be posting them periodically as we go along.

Translation?

I'm back, baby. <3

I figure I ought to post a little signal boost.

http://artists-beware.livejournal.com/739490.html

Avoid this person. They've disabled their FA, which is good, since that means there won't be any more stuff tossed at them. But seriously, be very, very careful about them. This is a little scary. :<

This has been Murdock On film, a project I've been working on for quite awhile. Some of these are /years/ old, having been saved through two whole computer wipes. It's been a bit of a flood, but it's also been a ton of fun.

There are several artists who I wish I could have gotten ahold of for this project; some were too busy, some had a queue that was just too long, and some didn't want to work with the musical-inspiration idea. (They didn't like the idea of not having guidelines for the image; too worried I'd do something silly like get mad at them X3) I wish I could have gotten everyone I'm watching to help out with this, but money, time, schedules, and other aspects just don't work with you all the time.

I hope you guys enjoy these. I still commission to share my likes with the rest of the world, you know--I hope you all can enjoy the fact that there's a little more in the way of fun stuff that piques your interest.

Maybe someday I'll do this again with even more artists. Wonder if there's another song that'd suit Murdy...

The process by which I created Murdock is a little unique.

I came up with him all the way back in high school. I was riding with my friends in a car, and the driver loved to troll his homophobic friends by playing Freezepop at full-blast, especially one song in particular.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5wQ1U4FTQo

Freezepop's "Boys On Film".

While bored as he was blasting that song, my mind wandered to femboys and furries. Femmy guys hadn't been as popular when I came up with Murdock as they are now, and so I came up with him to play around with the idea. I got started with commissioning pics just as much to enjoy them as to share them with the rest of the world, so that others with the same tastes I had wouldn't find it as hard to find pics of what they wanted.

It's been years, and a wild ride the whole way, and about midway through I had an idea.

I started approaching artists for special commissions. They had a set of rules, and they were simple enough: I give them this song, and let them draw whatever they want, as long as they come up with the idea for the picture to draw while listening to the song. Anything goes, G-XXX, doodly sketches to full-blown masterpieces, just him or as many as they like, as long as Murdock's in it, and the picture's thought up while listening to the song. I'd pay for whatever they did, according to their commission rates, and they only had to go as far as they were inspired.

Some have done basic little sketches. Some have done really detailed work.

But all of it has Murdock on Film for you all.

You might have seen these as they've been uploaded--I've favorited them if they're in the artists' galleries, of course. Some of you have even asked about them once you've seen that they're up there, and not in my gallery. Well, now you'll know!

And with that, here we go!

So, awhile back, I mentioned that I was working on a big project with a number of artists.

There are still a few I'd like to commission, still, to round it out, but it's obvious that won't be happening, what with my financial situation. I just don't have the money for any further commissions.

(Note: if you're working on one for me at this time, I'll still pay you, don't fret. I've done a lot of budgeting. I just can't afford to go pick up new ones, as they're unaccounted for in the budget!)

With that said, I think I'm going to upload it all this week.

Prepare your inboxes for a flood on either Wednesday or Thursday.

You're gonna see a lotta moogle.

See ya soon. ;D

Heya folks.

I've been through a lot recently IRL. Car falling apart, job swaps, new schedules, lots of hard work, and my computer utterly failing on me. It's thanks to the immense generosity of my friends that I can happily say my compy is up and running once more, and hopefully I can repay them somehow.

But! Right now I am in a pretty stable position. A friend, however, is not.

If you can, head on over to  radku's page and take a look at his journals. The poor guy's hurting real bad, and if you have a few bucks to spare, go check out his commissions. They're good prices, and he's fun to work with, honest!

My buddy  roger is in serious trouble.

As in "He needed to pay 700 smackers eight days ago" trouble. He didn't know until just now.

He's takin' some emergency commissions, and YOU should go get some! Like right now! He needs the help!

Quick, go hit him up! He'll draw anything at this point, just try! Please! He'll hafta sell his car if you don't. D:

More info HERE http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3636158/

So I just noticed I have over 1000 watchers.

And almost 30,000 pageviews.

...

I guess this means I'm suddenly a popufur? :O

Thank you so much for watching me, you guys. Thanks to an issue with the brakes on my car recently, I won't be able to commission very much in the way of new pieces, but I do have a bit of a backlog of images I can upload that I've been lazy about!

Also: Keep eyes on this account. I've been working with a /lot/ of artists on a project of mine. Sometime this year, there will be a flood.

Yes, I have an F-list. :D

Yes, I'm verifying my account by linking it here!

Unsurprisingly, it's located right here: http://www.f-list.net/c/Murdock/

Just making sure it's up~

Yupyup! 29th of Janurary. Moggy turns 23. :3

What are my plans? Why, I plan to--


...work.

Bleh. Stupid work. >:(

Only this time I'm saying that it's not really affecting me very much.

The most I ever do is change the subject from "You've got money!" to "You've got money from Murdock!"

So...yeah. Not a big deal from me.

Artists don't have to worry about me borking their accounts. :3

The person I was workin' with and I found who we wanted to commission.

Expect funsies! And thanks to everyone who expressed interest. I think I may hafta commission you all sometime~

Cuz a friend and I who were getting a sequence from an artist sadly had to get our money refunded. Artist wasn't being a jerk, promise, they just ended up losing time and will, and refunded for us. Get better soon, hun! <:3

But yeah! Currently we're looking for an artist willing to draw a sequence involving the following things:

--Open for work at the moment
--Not currently crushed with work
--Is willing to take a multi-page project
--Can handle sizeplay
--Can work with big, round predators
--Can also work with girly li'l femmy bois
--Is okay with vorish stuff that's on the sexual side
--Can handle post-vore disposal

Any suggestions? <:D

Am I the only one who, when they see "My murrsona" immediately puts it to the tune of "My Sharona"?

Well she looked like Courtney Cox...Courtney Cox...
Except she was a three-dicked fox, cuz she was
MYYYY MURRSONA!

MY, MY, MY, MY, MY WOW!

M-m-m-myyyy mursona~

Though this one's slightly different.

See,  pornography is doing one of those request thingers where I post a journal about it and I get to make a request. And maybe he'll pick me!

But he wants requests specifically pertaining to diapers, plushies, inflatables, or a mix. I know I'm interested, so I guess I may as well! Have a look-see if you think you might wanna see something, too. :)

Have I got news for you!

 mifmaf is opening their very own paysite for diapered material--and it's not just Miffy's stuff, either! They've got stuff from  carotte666,  blankie, and tons of other artists like Omutsu2 up there, too.

They /just/ opened today, so there isn't a great flood of content...but there /are/ high-res versions of pieces you already love, larger works than what you'd find here on FA in the galleries, and most importantly, stuff you won't find anywhere else. They've been open all of four hours, and I'm already glad with what I see.

But here's the thing! The only way this place can get off the ground...is if you sign up! Right now there's a promotional thinger goin' on; ten bucks a month. Ten bucks a month'll get you access to the site, but the deal will only be around for a week! After that it's 15...so you better hurry over and sign up!

The website is www.cushypen.com and I'm happy as can be that it's finally out there. :3

As you can see here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2449572/  ryan~ is hosting a raffle for a few slots in a big ol' soccer-team orgy in the locker rooms!

It's one of those dealies where if you make a journal and post about it to spread awareness, you totally get in. So that's what I'm doing!

He's gonna use a random number generator to decide who gets in, so go ahead and give it a try! Nothing to lose, after all. :3

I have 621 watches.

Six hundred and twenty one people see what I post every time I post.

...I should see about getting a kiriban or somethin' for 1000, shouldn't I. O_O

And jeez, do I have a lot of pageviews. Maybe I /should/ do somethin' like that. Send a pic of a certain number, we can go halvsies on a pic or somesuch...

Because  shishimaru did this new icon for me. :3

Just putting that out there.

Also moving my birthday journal offa my page. People keep thinkin' it's currently my birthday. XD