Note: I will be finishing the commissions owed and will still be logging in here to check notes/clear my inbox and so forth.

I think its time for me to take a temporary leave from FA. I am not enjoying how my artwork, style and so forth is turning out and I am feeling stagnant and trapped. While I am aware I can post human artwork here and creature designs, I don't feel like it would be the best and in the end, I would still feel trapped.

In the end, when I said I would work on my style, and I tried-things would come up or become more pressing and money would be needed, I would take commissions and then id be back to the beginning. Its vicious and I dont like it.


I will be posting regular art updates at my art tumblr: silenceartwork.tumblr.com.

You can reach me at my skype as well if you need to talk to me, I believe the name is under my email, mcauley_natasha@hotmail.com.


Im sorry. I do love you all, and thank you for putting up with me, being terrific friends, people who didnt judge me, and were there to talk to me and hear me whine and just, you guys have no idea how awesome you are. Please please tag me on skype if you want to just be nerds together!

I literally do not want to draw ever again. I hate that my style is so cartoonish, and I am just so tired of staring at sai.

Nope, no more.

(cept I cant, so hurm)

And I have to say this is probably the lowest ive gotten for awhile. I exhausted from the mental stress. I just want to curl up and sleep.

I get to the dentist, he tells me CANT do the xray. Confused I asked what the fucking point was of the appt, he said to check my teeth to see if they are causing the jaw pain(haha fuck you no. but they werent).

He tells me the xray is not covered for another three years, as they can only be done every five. I could phone my old dentist for the xray if they still had it, but its two years old and im certain my jaw has gotten worse from then.

He referred me to an oral surgeon, but after phoning the surgeon I get informed that its a TWO YEAR wait to even see the tmj specialist, and no its not covered by alberta health or social services.

So I dont know what to do, I spent a bit of time crying in the damn mall like a wuss, and now im just..bleh.

While working more on my story I'm realizing that I'm having quite an issue with describing the main character(and later on numerous others as many Kyseer are born genderless). While Jo will easily go by the term 'he', mainly because they smell like a male, Jo prefers just...well, Jo. But reading seems broken when using the term 'it' or they', especially since it doesnt work when using a specific person or when a name is in the sentence.

I know Ze, Zir, zimself etc is a common one but it sounds feminine to me.

Ive been looking up a few others and I like Ne/nem/nir/nirs/nemself quite a bit but does it come off as a new word entirely and not a gender pronoun?

Should I just keep to they/it/characters name here/ ?

What do you guys think.

So I had a jaw appointment today. Well, more, just an x-ray from my dentist, but I was hoping I could see how bad my jaw joint is and if its bad enough magically get the TMJ appointment covered(which it is not). My jaw is at the point where its constant burning ear pain, cant chew things and my neck is a big knot.

Anyway, did not wake up in time from my sleepy meds. I was sad. Rescheduled it for later that day. Sunny day, some clouds, fine day. Got dressed, grabbed shoes-thunderous rain and thunder. Bucked up and went out side.

Got hailed on bad enough I got bruises. Soaked to the bone. Edged back home, rescheduled. Turns out I cant come back till tuesday.

You know what nature. Bite me. Hard. >.>.

TELL ME CUTE ANIMAL STORIES OF YOUR BABIES CAUSE IM MAD


Also need to find a magical non-porny site for art because I feel left out.

My apologies for being an utter extreme failure for the in stream commissions. The pressure of needing to get things done quickly completely capsized my anxiety.

Im still not getting any money till the 30th, and having myself, my mother three cats and a dog to feed is adding to the stress. This isnt me just coping out, which I just realized it probably sounded like in stream. I cant breathe, my chest is tight, Im shaking so bad I cant type and my fingers are numb.

Im going to try opening creature creations and fetus adopts once I feel vaguely better, but Im not sure if anyone is interested in those anymore.

Still open for quick commissions, things like :

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11314083/

And the recent waist up shots. Note me if interested c: Willing to add sketches.

Need to get a few things, mainly food so there you go.

See here: http://commissionguide.blogspot.ca/

(prices have not changed, don't worry)

I will no longer be accepting certain things when it comes to commissioning me. Mostly unsure wording then backing out of it, no payment up front and so forth.

The payment up front thing is half my fault, as Ive gotten complacent and soft/scared when it comes to requesting money first. At this point im going to assume if you're commissioning me you know that my health/mental/physical otherwise comes first and your artwork will not be done in a day or two.

At the moment commissions are some what closed, as im still working through some issues with my health that have gotten more prominent.--sorry :c

If you have any questions/tips/crit on the information please tell me so I can add it/fix it!

Dont want to post something with medication names here, but its a repost from tumblr and im getting desperate. Plus, most of you have similiar issues/being treated for things like it or know someone who has. Its best to ask then suffer right?

My Pysch has put me on Lamotrigine on top of my five other medications about a month ago. He started me on an extremely low dose, said it was to low to cause visible problems then put it up higher and is now at the ‘therapy’ phase, as he put it.

Im on the medication for anxiety/depression. Ive noticed my issues with touching certain fabrics has tripled and is now to the stage where I cant even touch my shirt, toilet paper or my own skin. Its hard to explain. I don’t even want to touch the things, I know it will hurt, make my skill roll and my stomach clench, cat like shivers going through my body. Seeing fabric being touched on tv triggers a minor feeling similiar.

Ive stopped taking it before the required time for me to up it to the ‘therapy’ stage. I want to see if the touch defensiveness slows down. It seems to have lowered some what but its still painful and throbbing.

Does anyone have similiar issues? Obviously google tells me little except sensory tactile issues is a common result of Fibro’. Never been told Ive had this but my doctors are…more than lacking..

This is getting to the point where I will keep my hands in ice water to cut off all feeling. Help.

And by face I mean me reading it

http://www.amazon.com/Imaginative-Realism-Paint-Doesnt-Exist/dp/0740785508/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1331250089&sr=8-2


no this has no purpose, I am merely sharing the gorgeous

So these goals are probably fantasy, because of the medical, cat, food, paying for rent, medical, medical, my moms stuff and her medical-and my medical.

But I like to pretend I can maybe manage them. Though im 99 percent sure my 'pet' doesnt want me to come see her because she secretly hates me. Anyway yes.

GOAL ONE: Get enough money to go to Toronto to see pet/loved one. While there visit best friend since she is hour away.
Money needed: Over 500


GOAL TWO: binder
money needed:???

Goal three: Get tattoo to cover up self harm marks
Money needed: 150 plus.


...yea never doing this. Siigh. Oh well.

-yes ohmygosh more rants-

So earlier I tried to purchase some pet spray at Target. The card was declined at the till. Knowing I had money they sent me to customer service(ha what a joke). They then reswiped my card twice, telling me they had a problem with the debit systems. Both times it was declined. I left in a huff and on a whim checked by bank balance-and found out that those transactions went through and charged on my account.

I went back to target, showed them the ticket. They told me they could do nothing there and since they had issues target will revert my money-in a few days. I was to check it every now and then to see.

Fuck you guys. FUCK YOU. That amount of money may not be a lot to you but it feeds me for a few days. Your snippy sarcastic words when you asked if I still lived with my parents were not warranted nor enjoyed.

And to top that off after I checked my account tonight it says something withdrawn 20 dollars...on the 29th.

Its the 28th, just turned the 28th five minutes ago.

Now im out over 40 bucks, money that would have bought cat food and litter, and I have to wait a few days till target gives my money back(MAYBE) and my bank gets back to me.

I didnt need more anxiety or reasons to be anxious, but you know what Fuck life. Just, fuck.

Ive seen better pictures on tumblr but alas that was days ago. So this is all I have to go on :C

http://rovingvails.com/wp-content/u....._2350small.jpg

This will be done after I get back from the doctors, between the commission pack. I need some supplementary quick income. (as always).

So either a creature creator commission like these:
Price 20$
Details. The customer contacts the Director with this form:

Creature, pet or humanoid?: pick one
Intelligence Level: animal, human, past human intel
Species Mash Up: 1-4 species you wish to go into the creation of your Chromo Co Creature. Example: salamander, wolf eel, fox
Specials: this includes scars, tattoos, extra genitals and three adjectives.


Or a painted bust headshot, no examples: 20$

Im at the point where Im so frustrated I want to cry. It doesn't help that some how me being upset over this has turned into a "why are you mad at me blah blah blah' from my mother.

Anyway if anyone can help I will forever be in your debt. Im still under warranty but I cant get to anything like emailing/talking to an actual person on the toshiba wesbite, and best buy said its probably not covered so...

I have a toshiba satellite laptop. The battery is constantly stuck in "Plugged in: Not charging". I have tried taking the battery out for over a minute, I have tried uninstalling the battery drive and plugging it into various outlets in the house. Nothing. It goes onto the 'charging' motion when I plug the cord in-but only for twenty seconds at most. I dont know what to do..help.

I mean I dont know if me having it constantly plugged in is hurting the laptop...is it?

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thequietplace

You need this, also watch the dawn room.

It calmed me down so much.

EDIT: there is also this: http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

For when you need to throw shit and can't do it. Enjoy the splatter love.

You start creature designs for your headworld babies, and then stop and go "Well I wonder how they would make babies!"

..and then realize your huge whale raptor alien things would involve a lot of squishing a lot of flopping and copious amounts of ooze.

I am somaticsilence on there, add me c: I want to make all the babies.

Also willing to do cute little art/sketchy headshots of your dragon for treasure, or genes, tell me if interested :o

I will be actually using my tumblr now. I should add if you dont want your commission posted there or anywhere else please tell me c:

http://silenceartwork.tumblr.com/

wips, nsfw, random ass stupid doodles will be here, including things I dont think I should post to FA.

I want to try new things. Im not writing this for platitudes or compliments so please don't say 'but your art is so good' or what ever. :x I do enjoy people enjoying my art but when it comes down to it-

I dont enjoy it. And that's all that matters. So in that regard, For the next little while I'll be looking for commissions that allow me to branch out and try new techniques and content. This is no insult to anyone, please realize that.

In my heart I am a creature artist, I enjoy that best. Until I can once more enjoy my art and do not feel pressured, guilt or forced into it, I'm not sure what to do. So this is merely me saying im stepping back an commissions will probably for now be things like base creature designs, adoptables or similar themed items.

EDIT: the art I owe WILL be finished, do not worry

If you dont at least tear up...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gryenlQKTbE


*hiccups in corner sucking on blankie*

Just because you pipe up that its 110 where you live does not mean you win at being hotter ;--;...you live in a desert, that is regularly set on fire(apparently) by nature for being to stupid hot. I award you for living there, I do. But most of you have AC (and if you dont please come visit im sure you'll like it better here.).

It is 39 here with humidity. This means not only are we poor hapless edmontonians are dying of heat we are also melting and covered in a layer of gross. I am not used to this weather. ;--;

Also my cats? I think they are dead. They havent moved from the floor except to drink every now and then. They are road kill.

*bitchy canadian who cant even be on the laptop due to amount of crap ant heat gross*

Calypso has been throwing up non stop for three days now. Not only is it hard to clean up because its on the rug usually(that doesnt matter) but I dont know what to do. I cant really make her drink, forcing water down a cats throat will make her gag again anyway (and no i do not have an eyedropper).

As always im broke and vets are expensive as fuck anyway. I dont know what to do *curls up*

I don't know how many non canadians are aware of this, but the past few weeks southern alberta pretty much was flooded. I am not exaggerating either, they literally had cities cut off because the highways flooded, the rivers flooded and they didnt allow people to leave( I assume for a count of those still alive).

Welp, I was safe except for constant rain in the northrenish area(edmonton). Cept today it rained so hard the basement flooded. Its STILL flooding. Its going to apparently rain for the next few days which means chances are, the basement is fucked.

I literally spent five hours bailing out the basement with a stupid cup because we had nothing else. I am so so tired.

And so so sorry I havent even started art .Just, ugh. Im going to seriously need the money the next few days but i cant even begin to think about doing anything else. I cant even lift my arms. But tomorrow ill be bailing out, the next day and the only way to fix it is apparently to dig around the foundation, put that sticky gunk on it and then a pipe and rocks and put it all back together. Hiring someone to do it costs around 15k, doing it yourself?

Dear

God.

It sucks when you have so little things to look forward to and when you finally get to do it, like DnD, you realize you cant because you're forced to be in near constant debilitating contact with your mom and she's deaf and you cant hear half the conversation over skype over the damn tv. And if you get up to move to your room where its quiet you'll get guilt tripped and told how much of a failure you are and how you're abandoning your sick mother to be by herself, ALL by herself for I dont know two, three hours. But you feel worse because she IS sick, and you're paranoid from mental health issues and sure if you do leave her she might die and you would have wasted time being in your room being an anti social little idiot.

And you feel like crap for abandoning your friends but worse because they get all upset when you take precious precious time to try and fix your sound. Or they refuse to stop being lazy cows and read what you type.

And on top of that your stomach feels like an alien is trying to rip out because your kidneys are breaking.

Its okay though ill just sit in my little corner alone and figure out how to draw over the pain, knowing your friends are having loads of fun without you. But hey im anti social in real life lets just add fake life.

WOOO

rant will probably be deleted because im not allowed to feel sad over such stupid stupid things.