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Wild Ride of Year...Still Alive
Posted a year agoAugust 7th, 2023...
That is when it started.
I am still not out of the woods yet, but I just got back from a skilled rehab/nursing facility this afternoon and will be going to back to the hospital this coming Tuesday for what I hope will be the eigth and final surgery to fix everything that went sideways.
I've caught up with neighbors and a couple of friends on Discord and am settling down for a night of uninterrupted sleep.
My vision is still a bit janky from the trauma I've experienced, but hopefully some reading glasses will help with that.
The super quick version:
Over the last 11+ months I'v had/will have had:
8 Surgeries
10 Major Infections, including MRSA and a spinal infection
4 Near Death Experiences
A Bout With Covid that messed up my orthostatic blood pressure
The Amputation of myy lower right leg and foot
I spent more time in the hospital system than I have at my home.
But I have been fitted with a prosthetic and have been rehabbing my body to be able to stand and walk again.
The estimate for me walking again is three to four months, but I hope to be back at work by Mid-October.
My Co-workers have been asking constantly about when their dragon will be back with them....and I have a major story to share that will hopefully light a fire under some people to help fix the crumbling health care system in this country.
I might not be able to write a complete sett of entries about all of what happened thanks to my current state olf vision, but I am on Discord, and will be happy to share my experience if I'm noted...maybe this can help others cope with their own health care issues.
For now, I have five days of being at home....five days to enjoy being with friends and family, and time to brace myself for the final time under the knife before I can enter the home stretch.
Hope everyone is well and that your last 12 months have had happier events.
-- Murphy.
"I have so many scars back there I'm practically Franken-Ass!"
That is when it started.
I am still not out of the woods yet, but I just got back from a skilled rehab/nursing facility this afternoon and will be going to back to the hospital this coming Tuesday for what I hope will be the eigth and final surgery to fix everything that went sideways.
I've caught up with neighbors and a couple of friends on Discord and am settling down for a night of uninterrupted sleep.
My vision is still a bit janky from the trauma I've experienced, but hopefully some reading glasses will help with that.
The super quick version:
Over the last 11+ months I'v had/will have had:
8 Surgeries
10 Major Infections, including MRSA and a spinal infection
4 Near Death Experiences
A Bout With Covid that messed up my orthostatic blood pressure
The Amputation of myy lower right leg and foot
I spent more time in the hospital system than I have at my home.
But I have been fitted with a prosthetic and have been rehabbing my body to be able to stand and walk again.
The estimate for me walking again is three to four months, but I hope to be back at work by Mid-October.
My Co-workers have been asking constantly about when their dragon will be back with them....and I have a major story to share that will hopefully light a fire under some people to help fix the crumbling health care system in this country.
I might not be able to write a complete sett of entries about all of what happened thanks to my current state olf vision, but I am on Discord, and will be happy to share my experience if I'm noted...maybe this can help others cope with their own health care issues.
For now, I have five days of being at home....five days to enjoy being with friends and family, and time to brace myself for the final time under the knife before I can enter the home stretch.
Hope everyone is well and that your last 12 months have had happier events.
-- Murphy.
"I have so many scars back there I'm practically Franken-Ass!"
Overwhelmed...And Overcoming...
Posted 2 years ago2023 So far has been a very busy one for work...lots of new clients with patients who need help, but not enough people who care enough to go around...and plenty of them who would rather tell a person in need whatever the want to get them off the phone...
The backlash has been...harsh and desperate. I've been doing my best to keep up with overtime and stay afloat with the workload, but I've been getting run down and sick. My entire team has been going downhill...and the team below mine.
Things look like they may be changing, though...and I'm hoping I can put a little DRAGON into the work environment and get people to start taking pride in what they do....instill passion and compassion again so we can make those in need feel like they are cared about.
I happen to be very good at caring, so I've been told...with the amount of pain and anguish I've been put through growing up and during most of my adult life, I cannot see allowing myself to fall into those same levels of misery again.
People pick up on the vibe that I've been through a lot...and they take strength in knowing that if someone else can keep breathing, keep surviving, then maybe there is hope that they can, too.
But sometimes, after needing to stay hours after the end of my shift just to make sure the jobs get done, and the people in need are tended to...it gets...overwhelming.
Then something happens to make me reflect and realize how far I've come through the darkness of depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and feeling six steps below humanity....
One of my dear friends decided to 'kidnap' me for a movie night with some other friends...they picked me up in the late afternoon...I nearly cancelled about a dozen times as my brain kept fighting me....trying to convince me that I wasn't worth being picked up, that my presence was offensive and completely unwanted...no matter what my virtues were.
Five of us total, and wonderful old Schnauzer Dog who cuddled up to me for half of the movie...licking old wounds...demanding pets...and being a very well-needed morale boost.
It was the first time I've been able to go over to a friend's place....in 12 years.
It is good to feel tears of joy....
It is good to feel like I've made actual progress.
-- Murphy
"Forward."
The backlash has been...harsh and desperate. I've been doing my best to keep up with overtime and stay afloat with the workload, but I've been getting run down and sick. My entire team has been going downhill...and the team below mine.
Things look like they may be changing, though...and I'm hoping I can put a little DRAGON into the work environment and get people to start taking pride in what they do....instill passion and compassion again so we can make those in need feel like they are cared about.
I happen to be very good at caring, so I've been told...with the amount of pain and anguish I've been put through growing up and during most of my adult life, I cannot see allowing myself to fall into those same levels of misery again.
People pick up on the vibe that I've been through a lot...and they take strength in knowing that if someone else can keep breathing, keep surviving, then maybe there is hope that they can, too.
But sometimes, after needing to stay hours after the end of my shift just to make sure the jobs get done, and the people in need are tended to...it gets...overwhelming.
Then something happens to make me reflect and realize how far I've come through the darkness of depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and feeling six steps below humanity....
One of my dear friends decided to 'kidnap' me for a movie night with some other friends...they picked me up in the late afternoon...I nearly cancelled about a dozen times as my brain kept fighting me....trying to convince me that I wasn't worth being picked up, that my presence was offensive and completely unwanted...no matter what my virtues were.
Five of us total, and wonderful old Schnauzer Dog who cuddled up to me for half of the movie...licking old wounds...demanding pets...and being a very well-needed morale boost.
It was the first time I've been able to go over to a friend's place....in 12 years.
It is good to feel tears of joy....
It is good to feel like I've made actual progress.
-- Murphy
"Forward."
A Change of Locale and The Joys of Moving...
Posted 3 years agoStress and high pressure situations are just a fact of life for me: I work as a Case Manager for a prescription benefit firm, and when things get out of hand, they escalate to our senior team....when that doesn't work, they come to me and the team I'm on.
In April I was recruited to become a part of this team, and despite my natural nervousness and inferiority complex, I excelled at the new position, and have helped many people out of really dismal situations.
It has also gotten me noticed by upper management and many internal partners...I've been earning a lot of respect and support, and that means the world to me.
That came into play much more when in July I was told my rent was going to increase by $600 a month...this increase was not something I could afford (it would be more than a full paycheck for me), and I didn't qualify to sign a new lease because the requirement is 3x the rent rate. Since they tried to spring this on me with 15 days left in my lease, I threatened legal action to allow me to stay the 60 days they would have required me to give for move-out.
The stress of trying to find any apartment openings in a city where 99% of apartments are already taken up was brutal...it affected my health in some pretty nasty ways...exhaustion, back pain, and panic attacks at the aspect of becoming homeless at the end of September if I couldn't make something happen.
After 70+ notices of "We Have Nothing", I found a place...but it turned out to be a complete drug-ridden slum with very little security and safety. At about 3 weeks before my end of lease I found a new apartment....about 15 miles further from work, but still it'll only be a 30 to 40 minute commute, which I can live with.
This new home has a better layout, and the room I'm using as my office is quite large: I can fit a bunch more bookcases and maybe I'll purchase a recliner and flesh out my Office Cave.
The bedroom is huge compared to the one I had in my previous place, and I'll need to figure out what I want to do with that.
I also have an extra half bathroom, so no more lines for a toilet as I live here alone. :D
Only issues were the lack of a microwave (easily fixed with a trip to Walmart), and the kitchen is TINY...it's like a Cooking Closet.
But it has a garbage disposal, an automatic ice maker, and more cabinet space than my previous home.
Also, the bedroom and office both have ceiling fans...which makes me a happy dragon.
Overall, I think it's a step up...and it's just 2.5 miles away from my favorite fish and chip shop.
Had friends to help move...though I messed up my ankles and knees in the prepacking stage of the move, others came together to make up for my lack of ability to really move like I used to.
Still plenty of things in boxes to unpack, and will need to buy some more bookcases in the next couple of months...but this is a new place to call home...and keep moving forward.
-- Murphy
In April I was recruited to become a part of this team, and despite my natural nervousness and inferiority complex, I excelled at the new position, and have helped many people out of really dismal situations.
It has also gotten me noticed by upper management and many internal partners...I've been earning a lot of respect and support, and that means the world to me.
That came into play much more when in July I was told my rent was going to increase by $600 a month...this increase was not something I could afford (it would be more than a full paycheck for me), and I didn't qualify to sign a new lease because the requirement is 3x the rent rate. Since they tried to spring this on me with 15 days left in my lease, I threatened legal action to allow me to stay the 60 days they would have required me to give for move-out.
The stress of trying to find any apartment openings in a city where 99% of apartments are already taken up was brutal...it affected my health in some pretty nasty ways...exhaustion, back pain, and panic attacks at the aspect of becoming homeless at the end of September if I couldn't make something happen.
After 70+ notices of "We Have Nothing", I found a place...but it turned out to be a complete drug-ridden slum with very little security and safety. At about 3 weeks before my end of lease I found a new apartment....about 15 miles further from work, but still it'll only be a 30 to 40 minute commute, which I can live with.
This new home has a better layout, and the room I'm using as my office is quite large: I can fit a bunch more bookcases and maybe I'll purchase a recliner and flesh out my Office Cave.
The bedroom is huge compared to the one I had in my previous place, and I'll need to figure out what I want to do with that.
I also have an extra half bathroom, so no more lines for a toilet as I live here alone. :D
Only issues were the lack of a microwave (easily fixed with a trip to Walmart), and the kitchen is TINY...it's like a Cooking Closet.
But it has a garbage disposal, an automatic ice maker, and more cabinet space than my previous home.
Also, the bedroom and office both have ceiling fans...which makes me a happy dragon.
Overall, I think it's a step up...and it's just 2.5 miles away from my favorite fish and chip shop.
Had friends to help move...though I messed up my ankles and knees in the prepacking stage of the move, others came together to make up for my lack of ability to really move like I used to.
Still plenty of things in boxes to unpack, and will need to buy some more bookcases in the next couple of months...but this is a new place to call home...and keep moving forward.
-- Murphy
Progress, Celebrations, and Revolutions
Posted 4 years agoLast week was my first full week of actually taking service calls and helping people out, which was most gratifying. There were still the stresses of not having all of my accesses and wondering if I'm missing any new procedures. Things have not quite settled down from Hell Month, and my boss is swamped as usual so it's been hard to get with her and go over whether or not I'm doing everything right; got a feeling I might be taken to task on some things, but hey...live and learn and get better.
Mail has been very sketchy in my area as I've gotten collection notices for bills that I never first received, and of course Customer Service Hours are pretty much exactly when I work and no more. The most frustrating thing is that I've got the funds to pay for my medical expenses (thank goodness), but I've got to jockey those funds around and then make sure the online payment systems are actually delivering the monies...it seems to be working about half of the time.
Friday was my first stint in the GM's Chair for Pathfinder in about 10 years...it was supposed to be just an introductory episode into my tale of Tiefling Civil rights and exposing/disposing of a public figure who set progress back for them by about a century. I was elated to see how much fun my players were having, and the sheer amount of shit-stirring they got up to...including taking two full boxes of complaints to City Hall and dragging a quartet of "Enlightenment Officers" with them....for the tieflings' own safety of course. This turned into a waste of a full day and getting almost arrested for breaking curfew...they also helped one of their own get back home and they removed a pair of cursed 'horseshoes'...which was very important for backstory reasons. I'll have to put a full write-up of these things later.
Saturday I did some house cleaning and grabbed some barbecue brisket and pork butt...made some brisket tacos which turned out extremely well...will likely get more of that consumed tomorrow night for dinner.
Sunday I managed to surprise a recently-promoted co-worker with a small get-together at her favorite steakhouse. We shared war stories and laughed and dined...and stunned them all when I paid the entire bill and left a large tip for the waitress...these folks are struggling in the restaurant business as is and they have Covid to deal with...so if I'm going to go out I'm going to make sure they get taken care of well. I can't do the huge tips often, but lottery winnings and bonuses for being an essential worker helps me get away with it occasionally.
I keep plugging away at my other stories too, which are getting easier now that my life is more structured; I can take an hour to work on Ssreth or another story and then take another hour for my gamemastery notes most days and still feel like I got some time to just relax and chat with friends, or play Enter the Gungeon or Monster Train or some other game.
Still boggles my mind how much a difference it's made to have some order in my life again.
Once I get my second disability payment or jockey some other funds around I'll need to see about getting a new set of dragon paw slippers...the ones I've gotten have seen plenty of use and are showing their wear and tear. I appreciate them more nowadays, now that it's actually cold some times during the year.
Well, tomorrow is another Monday, which is the Traditional Day of Suck, but at least they're going more smoothly now, and I got work to do and folks to help. Maybe I'll send out a call for friends to help me out with the eating of barbecue....it's such a horrible thing to ask: Food, Drink, Games, and socializing. ;)
One thing I forgot to do was clear out a corner of my living room for the TV stand I need to put together...will need to set some time to get that all tended to so I'll have access to shows, movies, and video games. The new TV I got is preloaded with access to YouTube, Netflix....Starbucks....it probably has a milkshake machine in the back too...but I'm not complaining: it was actually a pretty sweet Thanksgiving Weekend Deal.
Anyhoo...be good, stay awesome, and keep moving forward!
-- Murphy
"Never underestimate the power of imagination."
Mail has been very sketchy in my area as I've gotten collection notices for bills that I never first received, and of course Customer Service Hours are pretty much exactly when I work and no more. The most frustrating thing is that I've got the funds to pay for my medical expenses (thank goodness), but I've got to jockey those funds around and then make sure the online payment systems are actually delivering the monies...it seems to be working about half of the time.
Friday was my first stint in the GM's Chair for Pathfinder in about 10 years...it was supposed to be just an introductory episode into my tale of Tiefling Civil rights and exposing/disposing of a public figure who set progress back for them by about a century. I was elated to see how much fun my players were having, and the sheer amount of shit-stirring they got up to...including taking two full boxes of complaints to City Hall and dragging a quartet of "Enlightenment Officers" with them....for the tieflings' own safety of course. This turned into a waste of a full day and getting almost arrested for breaking curfew...they also helped one of their own get back home and they removed a pair of cursed 'horseshoes'...which was very important for backstory reasons. I'll have to put a full write-up of these things later.
Saturday I did some house cleaning and grabbed some barbecue brisket and pork butt...made some brisket tacos which turned out extremely well...will likely get more of that consumed tomorrow night for dinner.
Sunday I managed to surprise a recently-promoted co-worker with a small get-together at her favorite steakhouse. We shared war stories and laughed and dined...and stunned them all when I paid the entire bill and left a large tip for the waitress...these folks are struggling in the restaurant business as is and they have Covid to deal with...so if I'm going to go out I'm going to make sure they get taken care of well. I can't do the huge tips often, but lottery winnings and bonuses for being an essential worker helps me get away with it occasionally.
I keep plugging away at my other stories too, which are getting easier now that my life is more structured; I can take an hour to work on Ssreth or another story and then take another hour for my gamemastery notes most days and still feel like I got some time to just relax and chat with friends, or play Enter the Gungeon or Monster Train or some other game.
Still boggles my mind how much a difference it's made to have some order in my life again.
Once I get my second disability payment or jockey some other funds around I'll need to see about getting a new set of dragon paw slippers...the ones I've gotten have seen plenty of use and are showing their wear and tear. I appreciate them more nowadays, now that it's actually cold some times during the year.
Well, tomorrow is another Monday, which is the Traditional Day of Suck, but at least they're going more smoothly now, and I got work to do and folks to help. Maybe I'll send out a call for friends to help me out with the eating of barbecue....it's such a horrible thing to ask: Food, Drink, Games, and socializing. ;)
One thing I forgot to do was clear out a corner of my living room for the TV stand I need to put together...will need to set some time to get that all tended to so I'll have access to shows, movies, and video games. The new TV I got is preloaded with access to YouTube, Netflix....Starbucks....it probably has a milkshake machine in the back too...but I'm not complaining: it was actually a pretty sweet Thanksgiving Weekend Deal.
Anyhoo...be good, stay awesome, and keep moving forward!
-- Murphy
"Never underestimate the power of imagination."
I'm Back at Work, But...And Then Pastrami!
Posted 4 years agoOn January 12th I made my return to work, after needing a new doctor's note and getting checked back into the personnel roster.
Then the "fun" began.
Because I was out for so long all of my accesses were taken away from me because I was 'dead', to the tech support people anyway.
No....I struggled for 10 weeks to get back to this place...I can assure you I'm not dead.
Getting accesses back to be able to actually do my job has been an exercise in frustration...last Thursday I was actually able to help people out again, and then my access got switched over to a client I'm not authorized to even look at, much less help. Problem was compounded by the fact that this took away ALL my other accesses. My boss is working on figuring out what the Hell happened, because it hasn't happened before. Lucky Me.
On the bright side, I celebrated my return by ordering some great Kosher Deli and Knishes and inviting a few people over for a feast...that went pretty well, and had enough leftovers to bring in for coworkers....there will be plans for a dozen of us to go in on getting another MeatBox and Knish Feast going.
I've been continuing to poke at writing and gaming preps as I work through the job stresses...it's the stress that's slowed me down a bit, but I'm still moving forward. Actually, I'm moving quicker than expected because Hell Month has not been as bad as many previous years, so that has been a plus.
It's good to have a routine again, even if it's not completely on pace quite yet...it's a lot better than having my days mean nothing and the weekends just be something that exists. It's funny when you work the week, the weekend means a lot more and you tend to cherish them and get motivated to get the things you want to accomplish done.
Anyhoo...winding down for the night and do some dreaming...got Kobolds and Serpent Sapiens on the brain this week, and also a Vishkanya Noblewoman who has become a detective...there's probably a dragon or two flitting about in there too. It's pretty scaled up.
Everyone, be safe, stay awesome.
-- Murphy
"You know, I can make it snow for you..." - Vynson, to his daughter.
Then the "fun" began.
Because I was out for so long all of my accesses were taken away from me because I was 'dead', to the tech support people anyway.
No....I struggled for 10 weeks to get back to this place...I can assure you I'm not dead.
Getting accesses back to be able to actually do my job has been an exercise in frustration...last Thursday I was actually able to help people out again, and then my access got switched over to a client I'm not authorized to even look at, much less help. Problem was compounded by the fact that this took away ALL my other accesses. My boss is working on figuring out what the Hell happened, because it hasn't happened before. Lucky Me.
On the bright side, I celebrated my return by ordering some great Kosher Deli and Knishes and inviting a few people over for a feast...that went pretty well, and had enough leftovers to bring in for coworkers....there will be plans for a dozen of us to go in on getting another MeatBox and Knish Feast going.
I've been continuing to poke at writing and gaming preps as I work through the job stresses...it's the stress that's slowed me down a bit, but I'm still moving forward. Actually, I'm moving quicker than expected because Hell Month has not been as bad as many previous years, so that has been a plus.
It's good to have a routine again, even if it's not completely on pace quite yet...it's a lot better than having my days mean nothing and the weekends just be something that exists. It's funny when you work the week, the weekend means a lot more and you tend to cherish them and get motivated to get the things you want to accomplish done.
Anyhoo...winding down for the night and do some dreaming...got Kobolds and Serpent Sapiens on the brain this week, and also a Vishkanya Noblewoman who has become a detective...there's probably a dragon or two flitting about in there too. It's pretty scaled up.
Everyone, be safe, stay awesome.
-- Murphy
"You know, I can make it snow for you..." - Vynson, to his daughter.
The Return...The Plan
Posted 4 years agoThis past Thursday I was given a clean bill of health by the home health nurse team: my wound is fully healed and I'm no longer in that "High Risk" group for reinfection. Friday I sent all of the information to the Head of Home Nursing Services...an individual whose name I've been given by no less than three different nurses to go and sign off on paperwork for my short term disability and my FMLA which I need for important things, like keeping my job.
I send all of the information to this individual in the morning because I was told to just bother her once as opposed to constantly adding one week after another...I get an e-mail response back at 4:55pm on that Friday...saying she's not authorized to sign off on any paperwork or disability stuff; that needs to be done by my urologist or my primary care physician.
Nice of them to tell me this 5 minutes before everything closes for the weekend.
The stress of getting all the paperwork done correctly has been more stressful over the course of a single day than the course of my recovery over the course of 9 weeks.
Regardless, I'm heading back into the office tomorrow morning and I'll work with my boss and the rest of my team to get this crap sorted out; I seriously doubt that my employer would be so eager to toss away someone who has 15+ years under their belt with them, and has worked their ass off to get back to work safely. We shall see how that goes and how many procedures have changed and how many thousands of work e-mails I've missed.
Going back to work means having a more or less regular schedule again...while on the recovery track days and weeks were just melting together, and time just didn't have much meaning....being on doctors/nurse orders to keep resting and not do much of anything also contributed to the void I had been experiencing, and that affected sleep schedule, chores, motivation...the whole nine yards.
My imagination is still going full swing, and I've got my characters talking to me and motivating me, but I believe things will get much easier for me to work with now that I'm getting back into a routine and feeling productive again.
January is the busiest time of the year for my workplace, and sometimes that bleeds into February...but I get home at a reasonable hour and a few nights a week I'll be poking at my stories and my upcoming roleplaying one/short shot I'm planning for February 5th. Weekends will likely be more productive as they will mean something to me again.
I'm excited to be going back to work and helping others again, also scared out of my mind that I could get fired on the spot due to paperwork technicalities, but I'll hope for the best. Looking forward to that structure again so I can find my writing rhythm once more.
The injury is behind me, I feel better physically...
...time to tackle everything else again.
-- Murphy
"There is something to be said about being able to go out and not worry about thingss..." - Ssreth
I send all of the information to this individual in the morning because I was told to just bother her once as opposed to constantly adding one week after another...I get an e-mail response back at 4:55pm on that Friday...saying she's not authorized to sign off on any paperwork or disability stuff; that needs to be done by my urologist or my primary care physician.
Nice of them to tell me this 5 minutes before everything closes for the weekend.
The stress of getting all the paperwork done correctly has been more stressful over the course of a single day than the course of my recovery over the course of 9 weeks.
Regardless, I'm heading back into the office tomorrow morning and I'll work with my boss and the rest of my team to get this crap sorted out; I seriously doubt that my employer would be so eager to toss away someone who has 15+ years under their belt with them, and has worked their ass off to get back to work safely. We shall see how that goes and how many procedures have changed and how many thousands of work e-mails I've missed.
Going back to work means having a more or less regular schedule again...while on the recovery track days and weeks were just melting together, and time just didn't have much meaning....being on doctors/nurse orders to keep resting and not do much of anything also contributed to the void I had been experiencing, and that affected sleep schedule, chores, motivation...the whole nine yards.
My imagination is still going full swing, and I've got my characters talking to me and motivating me, but I believe things will get much easier for me to work with now that I'm getting back into a routine and feeling productive again.
January is the busiest time of the year for my workplace, and sometimes that bleeds into February...but I get home at a reasonable hour and a few nights a week I'll be poking at my stories and my upcoming roleplaying one/short shot I'm planning for February 5th. Weekends will likely be more productive as they will mean something to me again.
I'm excited to be going back to work and helping others again, also scared out of my mind that I could get fired on the spot due to paperwork technicalities, but I'll hope for the best. Looking forward to that structure again so I can find my writing rhythm once more.
The injury is behind me, I feel better physically...
...time to tackle everything else again.
-- Murphy
"There is something to be said about being able to go out and not worry about thingss..." - Ssreth
Good Riddance To 2020!
Posted 4 years agoThis past year was absolutely crappy....bad to the last plop.
Had a New Year's Eve get-together planned...kept it small, and ordered a nice spread of Chinese Food, and then no one showed up.
Legit Reasons from most of them, but one would rather have gone drinking, which I suppose is normal for the New Year's, but didn't have to wait to the last minute.
Nearly died in November, but came through that with merely a very bad injury. Nurse visit today, however, gave me the best news: Spending the last four weeks with quadruple the normal protein intake has kicked my healing into high gear, and based on the new rate of recovery, I return to work January 11th. After 10 weeks of being on the disabled list, I'll be damned glad to get back to helping people.
Writing took a back seat on Tuesday and yesterday as I dealt with a lot of what some of my coworkers would say was misplaced guilt...an extreme work ethic was ingrained in me...so basically up to a few years ago, unless I was dead or otherwise physically unable to work I would go in.
Sick? You WORK
Broken Arm? You WORK
Sprained Ankle? WALK IT OFF, You WORK.
But thankfully, my mental space is strong enough to know when and where to push myself and when to let the healing take its time.
Don't necessarily have to like it though: going a bit stir crazy.
My characters from all over my mental storyscape are still talking to me, sharing plots, and I'm learning about each and every one...so I'm thankful it wasn't just a fleeting thing. Still need to get things situated with posting stories and have them show up how I need them.
Also need to get myself more acquainted with Roll20 so I can run games effectively on that platform...the first 30 to 35 years of my roleplaying stint was all paper/pencil....I started doing electronic files of campaign logs about five years ago, and now I need to take the next step as I run a Civil Revenge One-Shot/Short-Shot.
Not much more going on right now, but I'm sure I'll have more to say later on...might actually reach out to people on Discord to try to keep in touch and try being friendly and all. One step at a time, though.
Everyone out there, I wish you a Happy New Year, a Healthy Start to this Trip Around the Sun, and to Stay Awesome.
-- Murphy
"That person you're calling an 'animal', well he has far more humanity than you ever have."
Had a New Year's Eve get-together planned...kept it small, and ordered a nice spread of Chinese Food, and then no one showed up.
Legit Reasons from most of them, but one would rather have gone drinking, which I suppose is normal for the New Year's, but didn't have to wait to the last minute.
Nearly died in November, but came through that with merely a very bad injury. Nurse visit today, however, gave me the best news: Spending the last four weeks with quadruple the normal protein intake has kicked my healing into high gear, and based on the new rate of recovery, I return to work January 11th. After 10 weeks of being on the disabled list, I'll be damned glad to get back to helping people.
Writing took a back seat on Tuesday and yesterday as I dealt with a lot of what some of my coworkers would say was misplaced guilt...an extreme work ethic was ingrained in me...so basically up to a few years ago, unless I was dead or otherwise physically unable to work I would go in.
Sick? You WORK
Broken Arm? You WORK
Sprained Ankle? WALK IT OFF, You WORK.
But thankfully, my mental space is strong enough to know when and where to push myself and when to let the healing take its time.
Don't necessarily have to like it though: going a bit stir crazy.
My characters from all over my mental storyscape are still talking to me, sharing plots, and I'm learning about each and every one...so I'm thankful it wasn't just a fleeting thing. Still need to get things situated with posting stories and have them show up how I need them.
Also need to get myself more acquainted with Roll20 so I can run games effectively on that platform...the first 30 to 35 years of my roleplaying stint was all paper/pencil....I started doing electronic files of campaign logs about five years ago, and now I need to take the next step as I run a Civil Revenge One-Shot/Short-Shot.
Not much more going on right now, but I'm sure I'll have more to say later on...might actually reach out to people on Discord to try to keep in touch and try being friendly and all. One step at a time, though.
Everyone out there, I wish you a Happy New Year, a Healthy Start to this Trip Around the Sun, and to Stay Awesome.
-- Murphy
"That person you're calling an 'animal', well he has far more humanity than you ever have."
Battered, But Hopeful...
Posted 4 years agoMorale took a hit the last few days as a couple of deaths in the family and circle of friends happened over the weekend...my grandmother passed away suddenly on December 26th way back in 1998...20 minutes before we were going to take her back to her home, she just...stopped. A friend's spouse lost a family member to Covid-19, which was discouraging, hoping that the vaccines get rolled out in time to not have to suffer through more blows like that.
Friend dropped off some baked goods on Saturday, so that was a plus.
Disability Payment has not happened yet...going to have to argue over the fact that my home nursing care was needed as the wound I'm dealing with I cannot physically reach without a great risk of injuring myself again. I was able to jockey my funds about so I've got money to pay rent and bills, and will be back working either next week or the week after: the wound keeping me out is so close to being patched up; the finish line is there.
Working on a couple of projects:
One is a one shot/short adventure for Pathfinder: players are going to the Social Justice Tieflings out to rid their city of someone who was formerly one of their own; who after altering themselves has spearheaded a persecution pogrom on his former race. The group is prepared to track this slime down and dose out some major social justice...so I'll see how much GM rust I've accumulated during my absence from the GameMastery Chair.
I've got a couple of chapters done of Ssreth: A Python's Journey, and got the next couple of chapters outlined; so it's coming along nicely. Need to keep telling myself that shorter pieces are okay; just write it out naturally. Really enjoyed discovering the characters and how they're developing. Getting some very endearing mental images of this snake-turned-humanoid and how good-hearted they are. It's pretty amazing and a little sad when the anthros I've portrayed/told stories about are more human than a lot of the humans out there.
Tomorrow I'll likely be stuck in the apartment, so I'll put on some music and see if I can do some more Ssreth writing and Social Justice Tiefling Prep. Maybe circulate and leave some encouragement where I can.
Trying to get into the practice of actually having a semi-regular journal...make this place not as dead as I let it be before.
Stay Good, Be Awesome, and Be Safe.
-- Murphy
"Are snakes even Kosher?!?"
"I am!"
Friend dropped off some baked goods on Saturday, so that was a plus.
Disability Payment has not happened yet...going to have to argue over the fact that my home nursing care was needed as the wound I'm dealing with I cannot physically reach without a great risk of injuring myself again. I was able to jockey my funds about so I've got money to pay rent and bills, and will be back working either next week or the week after: the wound keeping me out is so close to being patched up; the finish line is there.
Working on a couple of projects:
One is a one shot/short adventure for Pathfinder: players are going to the Social Justice Tieflings out to rid their city of someone who was formerly one of their own; who after altering themselves has spearheaded a persecution pogrom on his former race. The group is prepared to track this slime down and dose out some major social justice...so I'll see how much GM rust I've accumulated during my absence from the GameMastery Chair.
I've got a couple of chapters done of Ssreth: A Python's Journey, and got the next couple of chapters outlined; so it's coming along nicely. Need to keep telling myself that shorter pieces are okay; just write it out naturally. Really enjoyed discovering the characters and how they're developing. Getting some very endearing mental images of this snake-turned-humanoid and how good-hearted they are. It's pretty amazing and a little sad when the anthros I've portrayed/told stories about are more human than a lot of the humans out there.
Tomorrow I'll likely be stuck in the apartment, so I'll put on some music and see if I can do some more Ssreth writing and Social Justice Tiefling Prep. Maybe circulate and leave some encouragement where I can.
Trying to get into the practice of actually having a semi-regular journal...make this place not as dead as I let it be before.
Stay Good, Be Awesome, and Be Safe.
-- Murphy
"Are snakes even Kosher?!?"
"I am!"
Not Many People Watch This Place, But...
Posted 4 years ago...for those who do, I want to wish everyone a happy, healthy, and safe holiday: Whether you've already celebrated, are doing so now, or will be; may it be a joyous one.
This week has been encouraging:
My wound Care Nurse did measurements on the injury that is keeping me home, and it's right on the cusp of being healed enough to allow me to plan a return to work. The next visit is Monday the 28th, so I'll be chugging down protein shakes and inhaling other forms of protein to get myself back to the point where I can have a normal routine.
My characters, both old and new, are speaking to me more readily, and I've got two chapters of a story already formed and a third on the way. Eventually they will find their way over here. I'm going to need to experiment with uploading and discover how I want to present these...and whether or not I want to repost stuff I had placed on DeviantArt. Originally this place was going to be for the darker and possibly more erotic side of my creativity, but the more I ponder about it, the less sense it makes for me to segregate the two....both are parts of me, and there are these things called "Folders" I can stick various categories into my musings into....so if someone wants wholesome and innocent stuff, they can go one place...if they want "PG-13", that's another....and if they want to see the more adult themed writings, well, there will be a black-curtained area in the back for people to venture into.
It snowed yesterday, and though I'm not a celebrator of Christmas, it's still good to have a snowy holiday. I did receive a game from a friend: Golden Treasure, where you play a dragon from hatchling to hopefully a powerful force in the world. Still learning it, and my first playthrough saw my noble wyrmling get killed by a sheep...very unbecoming.
Also...no Christmas Turkey or Ham....or the Hanukkah Brisket this year...decided to break out the slow cooker and celebrate with the oh so traditional Christmas Angel Hair Pasta with Meat Sauce. Been meaning to use my slow cooker for a while now, and this seemed like the right time to break it out. I always tend to cook for a small army, so consider yourselves invited. ((This is a very dangerous thing for The DreamStormer...that story will come out eventually, and may be saved for the next holiday season))
Anyhoo. It's a good week.
I hope everyone has a great holiday, a wonderful weekend.
And if not, good vibes your way to hopefully have better tidings real soon.
-- Murphy
"Being an ice dragon isn't just breathing down cones of icy, merciless death! I can make pleasant snow showers too, and I am unrivaled at making snow sculptures....and don't forget in the Summer, I can easily keep your drinks cold." - Vynson
This week has been encouraging:
My wound Care Nurse did measurements on the injury that is keeping me home, and it's right on the cusp of being healed enough to allow me to plan a return to work. The next visit is Monday the 28th, so I'll be chugging down protein shakes and inhaling other forms of protein to get myself back to the point where I can have a normal routine.
My characters, both old and new, are speaking to me more readily, and I've got two chapters of a story already formed and a third on the way. Eventually they will find their way over here. I'm going to need to experiment with uploading and discover how I want to present these...and whether or not I want to repost stuff I had placed on DeviantArt. Originally this place was going to be for the darker and possibly more erotic side of my creativity, but the more I ponder about it, the less sense it makes for me to segregate the two....both are parts of me, and there are these things called "Folders" I can stick various categories into my musings into....so if someone wants wholesome and innocent stuff, they can go one place...if they want "PG-13", that's another....and if they want to see the more adult themed writings, well, there will be a black-curtained area in the back for people to venture into.
It snowed yesterday, and though I'm not a celebrator of Christmas, it's still good to have a snowy holiday. I did receive a game from a friend: Golden Treasure, where you play a dragon from hatchling to hopefully a powerful force in the world. Still learning it, and my first playthrough saw my noble wyrmling get killed by a sheep...very unbecoming.
Also...no Christmas Turkey or Ham....or the Hanukkah Brisket this year...decided to break out the slow cooker and celebrate with the oh so traditional Christmas Angel Hair Pasta with Meat Sauce. Been meaning to use my slow cooker for a while now, and this seemed like the right time to break it out. I always tend to cook for a small army, so consider yourselves invited. ((This is a very dangerous thing for The DreamStormer...that story will come out eventually, and may be saved for the next holiday season))
Anyhoo. It's a good week.
I hope everyone has a great holiday, a wonderful weekend.
And if not, good vibes your way to hopefully have better tidings real soon.
-- Murphy
"Being an ice dragon isn't just breathing down cones of icy, merciless death! I can make pleasant snow showers too, and I am unrivaled at making snow sculptures....and don't forget in the Summer, I can easily keep your drinks cold." - Vynson
They're Speaking To Me...
Posted 4 years agoI stared at what I had just accomplished a few moments ago, and realized that the characters in my head are speaking to me again, and telling their tales...and I finished an original story for the first time in about eight years...a little more than 9 pages...a few thousand words in a few hours, but my mental animation wasn't stuttering or stopping....and when my words failed me, the pause was there, the characters were patient...and it got done.
I feel like a piece of me has returned...that piece that allows me to simply enjoy the creation process.
I'll likely go and share these stories as I figure out how to upload the text quirks properly, but I got reason to do this now.
This is a good thing...
--Murphy
"It's a Me!" - Ssreth
I feel like a piece of me has returned...that piece that allows me to simply enjoy the creation process.
I'll likely go and share these stories as I figure out how to upload the text quirks properly, but I got reason to do this now.
This is a good thing...
--Murphy
"It's a Me!" - Ssreth
Time Flies...But Still Here.
Posted 4 years agoThey say when you grow older time goes by faster...and I suppose there is some truth to that feeling. Seems like I had plans and aspirations and then I blinked and here I am, sitting here and realizing five years have passed.
I'm certainly in a different place than I was before...both literally and mentally. Not exactly sure if it's particularly good, perhaps it's balanced.
In March 2016 I lost my father after a long bout with kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, and two types of cancer...a few months before he died we had a long heart to heart about how he had treated me and my sibling...and we both decided to go forward...live for partial credit and simply do what we could to be better people: it didn't have to be perfect, it just had to be an honest effort. After that happened I made it a goal of mine to get back to the Eastern Time Zone after I had come to terms with everything.
In September 2017 I found out my mom had brain cancer...and I rushed back to do what I could, which was painfully little given my depression and inferiority complex...I wound up being there and talking some of the time, but I felt withdrawn and powerless...lost her in January 2018. I barely had time to grieve when I found out that I was actually coming into a fair sum on money from this, nothing that would make me a millionaire, but it was enough to get the professional mental health help I needed and to actually be able to afford the move back to where I was in the same time zone as my family and most of my friends.
In May of 2018 I started a new position within the company I work for...a Senior Role, where if someone screamed for or politely requested a supervisor, I would be one of the people they would get to talk to. Sometimes it was frustrating or just intimidating, but carried on and took on the role full bore....I was the "Original Dragon", and I was brought in to boost morale and encourage camaraderie. For a good year and a half I did that out west.
Eventually, the loneliness and isolation began to get the better of me...I no one to hang out with except for workmates, and though we would go out for sushi or hit up the Olive Garden on personal time, we still kept things pretty professional and low-key. I didn't really talk about my writing or roleplaying much or my exploration of all the weird stuff out there on the internet (that dragon lady has HOW many boobs? And WHERE?!?). I kept a vast majority of those ideas/explorations to myself and truth be told, I enjoyed discovering both the good, the bad, and the weirdly of Furaffinity for the last decade, and I'll likely keep looking about and appreciate a tasteful nude, a good curse story, and tilt my head sideways as a CTF story or two. Just in the professional world we just don't casually chat about that stuff.
In May of 2019 I was at a crossroads...suicidal thoughts invaded my mind again and I nearly drove out into the desert to end my life...I was halfway to Tucson, Arizona when I found a place where I could just disappear...but my imagination, my characters, and the vibes of the few friends I've managed to make over the years when I didn't think I deserved to even be glanced at...all of those kept me in my car, the air conditioner running in the 116 degree heat....
"It's worth it...you CAN come back..."
The next morning before work I made the call to a moving company and scheduled my exodus out of Arizona...I was going to transfer to the Knoxville, Tennessee office and continue my work...got all the paperwork done, flew a good friend out to my place and we met the movers and loaded up my car and took what would be my second cross-country trip to change my life's path.
Emotionally and mentally it has been amazing...I've been having friends over regularly, not so much with Coronavirus but occasionally I have friends to come by for a good meal and some games...My professional life has made more progress than it had in the last decade and a half, and I was exploring new paths to take within my chosen company.
When the pandemic hit the promotions had to stop and they kept me on Senior Team: their rookies listen to me to learn how to do the job the right way and balance it out with compassion and kindness...I've been teaching others how to be the heroes and encouraging the representatives that call me to take charge and be the hero also. It's been gratifying, and sometimes stressful, but between a revitalization at work and having some semblance of an actual social life, that's been a happier time for me.
October of 2020 is when things got tense...I had discovered a cyst in my groin area that had sprung up practically overnight, and after a trip to urgent care the ministrations they gave me only made it far worse. I went to the emergency room a week later after feeling that the antibiotics and special powder were having an opposite effect...that was on a Friday: I was discharged from the Hospital Monday after they drained the abscess which was about the size of a softball...I spent a week off work and in doctor's appointments. Seven days of missed work later I returned, happy to be back.
November 5th I collapsed while getting ready for work...and crash landed on my groin right where the surgeons had made the incisions...blunt force trauma to a crotch on top of feeling like I was having a heart attack and a stoke all rolled into one. EMT arrived...twice. The first time they told me I was stressed and needed more rest. The second EMT Team noticed my blood pressure was low, and I followed my hunch and took the ambulance ride back to the Emergency Room....and found out that I had a massive blood clot about two inches from my heart...if that broke off again I would have been dead.
Spent three more days in the hospital after an operation to break up the lung clot, and then a team of wound techs told me of the damage to my scrotum, which included a two+ inch deep hole that needed to be packed/flushed regularly...it was in such an awkward place they assigned me home nurse care and I've been basically at home save for doctor visits and grocery runs (allowed to move around and do that maybe 3 times a week to keep on top of the blood clots). I am fighting with short term disability and FMLA to keep my job, but I think I'll be okay with that; I've earned a lot of respect and appreciation at work and people are waiting for me to return, and offering to help fight to keep me.
My mental state has been shaking after the first month of being stuck in "Health Jail", because I start going stir crazy after just a four-day weekend. It's going to be two months as of next week....so I might be out for a total of nine weeks before the nurses allow me to go back...thankfully there have been people over from time to time to keep me from going absolutely nuts. The hospital and medical bills are coming in, and thankfully I have an HSA and some other funds I can work with next months to get myself through the crisis...money will be tight THIS month, however, unless the Disability Insurance people get off their asses and give me the eight weeks of disability I've been asking for.
When I close my eyes and think about it....I am glad to still be alive in this batshit crazy world...I've been through Hell and back, but I am here to write about it. I am glad I fought the dark side of my mind which kept telling me that I wasn't worth anything and I should shut up and suffer in silence...it took many years for me to discuss this with my family without going to pieces, and to get them to understand that depression, inferiority complex, social anxiety, and other emotional/mental issues are real and VALID, and that one just cannot "get over it" and switch it off like a light. I finally earned some degree of understanding from my blood relatives on this, and maybe that's part of why I survived...to let people know what was really going on....and that I could get through it, or at the very least keep that horrible dark part of me at bay.
This has been one Hell of a ramble...but half a decade has passed since I last wrote here.
Life can suck a lot...it can be depressing and horrific...it can feel like there is no way to live it...
....but life can also have its triumphs and joys, and those we cling onto and build from...
And then life....it doesn't seem to be as daunting anymore.
For those who read this: Stay Strong, Be Safe, and Strive For Awesomeness.
-- Murphy
"I am a dragon, and it's tough for ME...I can understand how my friends are struggling."
I'm certainly in a different place than I was before...both literally and mentally. Not exactly sure if it's particularly good, perhaps it's balanced.
In March 2016 I lost my father after a long bout with kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, and two types of cancer...a few months before he died we had a long heart to heart about how he had treated me and my sibling...and we both decided to go forward...live for partial credit and simply do what we could to be better people: it didn't have to be perfect, it just had to be an honest effort. After that happened I made it a goal of mine to get back to the Eastern Time Zone after I had come to terms with everything.
In September 2017 I found out my mom had brain cancer...and I rushed back to do what I could, which was painfully little given my depression and inferiority complex...I wound up being there and talking some of the time, but I felt withdrawn and powerless...lost her in January 2018. I barely had time to grieve when I found out that I was actually coming into a fair sum on money from this, nothing that would make me a millionaire, but it was enough to get the professional mental health help I needed and to actually be able to afford the move back to where I was in the same time zone as my family and most of my friends.
In May of 2018 I started a new position within the company I work for...a Senior Role, where if someone screamed for or politely requested a supervisor, I would be one of the people they would get to talk to. Sometimes it was frustrating or just intimidating, but carried on and took on the role full bore....I was the "Original Dragon", and I was brought in to boost morale and encourage camaraderie. For a good year and a half I did that out west.
Eventually, the loneliness and isolation began to get the better of me...I no one to hang out with except for workmates, and though we would go out for sushi or hit up the Olive Garden on personal time, we still kept things pretty professional and low-key. I didn't really talk about my writing or roleplaying much or my exploration of all the weird stuff out there on the internet (that dragon lady has HOW many boobs? And WHERE?!?). I kept a vast majority of those ideas/explorations to myself and truth be told, I enjoyed discovering both the good, the bad, and the weirdly of Furaffinity for the last decade, and I'll likely keep looking about and appreciate a tasteful nude, a good curse story, and tilt my head sideways as a CTF story or two. Just in the professional world we just don't casually chat about that stuff.
In May of 2019 I was at a crossroads...suicidal thoughts invaded my mind again and I nearly drove out into the desert to end my life...I was halfway to Tucson, Arizona when I found a place where I could just disappear...but my imagination, my characters, and the vibes of the few friends I've managed to make over the years when I didn't think I deserved to even be glanced at...all of those kept me in my car, the air conditioner running in the 116 degree heat....
"It's worth it...you CAN come back..."
The next morning before work I made the call to a moving company and scheduled my exodus out of Arizona...I was going to transfer to the Knoxville, Tennessee office and continue my work...got all the paperwork done, flew a good friend out to my place and we met the movers and loaded up my car and took what would be my second cross-country trip to change my life's path.
Emotionally and mentally it has been amazing...I've been having friends over regularly, not so much with Coronavirus but occasionally I have friends to come by for a good meal and some games...My professional life has made more progress than it had in the last decade and a half, and I was exploring new paths to take within my chosen company.
When the pandemic hit the promotions had to stop and they kept me on Senior Team: their rookies listen to me to learn how to do the job the right way and balance it out with compassion and kindness...I've been teaching others how to be the heroes and encouraging the representatives that call me to take charge and be the hero also. It's been gratifying, and sometimes stressful, but between a revitalization at work and having some semblance of an actual social life, that's been a happier time for me.
October of 2020 is when things got tense...I had discovered a cyst in my groin area that had sprung up practically overnight, and after a trip to urgent care the ministrations they gave me only made it far worse. I went to the emergency room a week later after feeling that the antibiotics and special powder were having an opposite effect...that was on a Friday: I was discharged from the Hospital Monday after they drained the abscess which was about the size of a softball...I spent a week off work and in doctor's appointments. Seven days of missed work later I returned, happy to be back.
November 5th I collapsed while getting ready for work...and crash landed on my groin right where the surgeons had made the incisions...blunt force trauma to a crotch on top of feeling like I was having a heart attack and a stoke all rolled into one. EMT arrived...twice. The first time they told me I was stressed and needed more rest. The second EMT Team noticed my blood pressure was low, and I followed my hunch and took the ambulance ride back to the Emergency Room....and found out that I had a massive blood clot about two inches from my heart...if that broke off again I would have been dead.
Spent three more days in the hospital after an operation to break up the lung clot, and then a team of wound techs told me of the damage to my scrotum, which included a two+ inch deep hole that needed to be packed/flushed regularly...it was in such an awkward place they assigned me home nurse care and I've been basically at home save for doctor visits and grocery runs (allowed to move around and do that maybe 3 times a week to keep on top of the blood clots). I am fighting with short term disability and FMLA to keep my job, but I think I'll be okay with that; I've earned a lot of respect and appreciation at work and people are waiting for me to return, and offering to help fight to keep me.
My mental state has been shaking after the first month of being stuck in "Health Jail", because I start going stir crazy after just a four-day weekend. It's going to be two months as of next week....so I might be out for a total of nine weeks before the nurses allow me to go back...thankfully there have been people over from time to time to keep me from going absolutely nuts. The hospital and medical bills are coming in, and thankfully I have an HSA and some other funds I can work with next months to get myself through the crisis...money will be tight THIS month, however, unless the Disability Insurance people get off their asses and give me the eight weeks of disability I've been asking for.
When I close my eyes and think about it....I am glad to still be alive in this batshit crazy world...I've been through Hell and back, but I am here to write about it. I am glad I fought the dark side of my mind which kept telling me that I wasn't worth anything and I should shut up and suffer in silence...it took many years for me to discuss this with my family without going to pieces, and to get them to understand that depression, inferiority complex, social anxiety, and other emotional/mental issues are real and VALID, and that one just cannot "get over it" and switch it off like a light. I finally earned some degree of understanding from my blood relatives on this, and maybe that's part of why I survived...to let people know what was really going on....and that I could get through it, or at the very least keep that horrible dark part of me at bay.
This has been one Hell of a ramble...but half a decade has passed since I last wrote here.
Life can suck a lot...it can be depressing and horrific...it can feel like there is no way to live it...
....but life can also have its triumphs and joys, and those we cling onto and build from...
And then life....it doesn't seem to be as daunting anymore.
For those who read this: Stay Strong, Be Safe, and Strive For Awesomeness.
-- Murphy
"I am a dragon, and it's tough for ME...I can understand how my friends are struggling."
Silence Is My Usual Golden...
Posted 10 years agoI don't speak up a lot to the general public anymore...I interact with general strangers well enough to get through day to day life, but for the most part I just keep to myself.
Never really bought into the belief that I could be considered worthwhile, much less popular. When I became more known and popular I didn't handle it very well...my own sense of complete inferiority and deep depression undermined a great deal of my efforts to embrace the love and respect that I had been shown...that people whom I realized I cared about deeply, but a great many years after the fact...and I blew that...extremely hard.
I spent years after that adrift and simply surviving day to day...work my job, attempt to run role-playing sessions...and make friends...still didn't really know how to friend all that well. I could listen decently enough, and provide a shoulder, support, and give a good pick-me-up where it would be most needed and appreciated many times.
Not many people I interacted with over the years reciprocated, however...and then I would fail to deliver...out of not having the energy or resources...or subconsciously realizing that I couldn't put up with their crap anymore.
I moved far away from a family who did not want to understand me, who declared that I was an abject failure because my beliefs and values were not completely within line of what theirs were. I left to be with a woman I had loved dearly, and at that time that love was full...no impropriety, no oogling at other sets of chests or butts...I was very much a believer of being with one woman, one love...I was taken and for a decade happily so.
I gave up the pieces of my shattered life...friendships that drifted apart, family relations that faded over time...some for the better, easing the emotional abuse....but in hindsight, I lost far more than I had gained...I became a stranger to nieces and nephews, and eventually, the love of my life had grown ill....physically and mentally....giving up on life...before long, the love that was there was simply living together for mutual survival. I devolved from fiance...to boyfriend...to live-in-friend....to manservant....to irrelevant other than a source of income.
For the most part, I've lost just about everything related to that of a social life, set a small group of people whom I roleplay with....other than that....a vast majority of my days are spent alone...either napping or exercising....or just reflecting upon the many ways I've gone wrong.
On my 42nd Birthday, I vowed to go Forward....to stop living in the past...to try new things and experience life in a new light. I've continued to lose weight...it has been a five year journey which has seen me 175 pounds lighter than I used to be....325 pounds is still far from my goal, but I slowly Go Forward. I've been to picnics with my co-workers, and even tried dating a few times...but those efforts ended horribly. In August I visited my family back East to celebrate my brother's 40th Birthday...I needed to since I was utterly alone for my 40th...I am glad our family has embraced him so wonderfully for that special event. I rekindled some of what I lost, and tried things which I thought I would never have been physically able to do.
I returned to work two weeks ago, a bit shaky from the jet lag....nothing horrible happened when I was gone...my fears that I would leave these huge messes behind assuaged by the fact that after 10 years, I've gotten reasonably good at what I do...and a few days ago I was sent a picture of me, in my ill-fitting clip-on sunglasses looking like a complete dork...but clinging to my frame were my three nephews...and a note telling me how glad they were to have a cool uncle...even if he didn't know how to wear cool sunglasses.
I sit here now, in a great deal of mental conflict...wondering if this is finally enough to break me out of a suicidal tailspin that I've put myself into through neglect of my medical conditions...and at the same time I am frozen with terror...that if I swallow my fears and apprehension and present myself out to the world in general a newer, prouder, stronger and wiser man that I will simply be crushed even worse than before...42 years of defeat, 42 years of bitter disappointments, 42 years of lost loves, missed friendships, and harsh luck.
Forward.
I keep telling myself that.
Forward to the doctor, to tell him I choose not to commit suicide any longer.
Forward to rekindling the good-hearted nature within me.
Forward to friendships and love.
Now I've said it out loud, in a way...even if it's to a dark, empty room....at least the shadows know I will not die quietly...and forces at work around me will need to accept that.
--Murphy
"I will not go quietly...if anything, I'll go out with a sinister laugh, and leave all the rest wondering..."
Never really bought into the belief that I could be considered worthwhile, much less popular. When I became more known and popular I didn't handle it very well...my own sense of complete inferiority and deep depression undermined a great deal of my efforts to embrace the love and respect that I had been shown...that people whom I realized I cared about deeply, but a great many years after the fact...and I blew that...extremely hard.
I spent years after that adrift and simply surviving day to day...work my job, attempt to run role-playing sessions...and make friends...still didn't really know how to friend all that well. I could listen decently enough, and provide a shoulder, support, and give a good pick-me-up where it would be most needed and appreciated many times.
Not many people I interacted with over the years reciprocated, however...and then I would fail to deliver...out of not having the energy or resources...or subconsciously realizing that I couldn't put up with their crap anymore.
I moved far away from a family who did not want to understand me, who declared that I was an abject failure because my beliefs and values were not completely within line of what theirs were. I left to be with a woman I had loved dearly, and at that time that love was full...no impropriety, no oogling at other sets of chests or butts...I was very much a believer of being with one woman, one love...I was taken and for a decade happily so.
I gave up the pieces of my shattered life...friendships that drifted apart, family relations that faded over time...some for the better, easing the emotional abuse....but in hindsight, I lost far more than I had gained...I became a stranger to nieces and nephews, and eventually, the love of my life had grown ill....physically and mentally....giving up on life...before long, the love that was there was simply living together for mutual survival. I devolved from fiance...to boyfriend...to live-in-friend....to manservant....to irrelevant other than a source of income.
For the most part, I've lost just about everything related to that of a social life, set a small group of people whom I roleplay with....other than that....a vast majority of my days are spent alone...either napping or exercising....or just reflecting upon the many ways I've gone wrong.
On my 42nd Birthday, I vowed to go Forward....to stop living in the past...to try new things and experience life in a new light. I've continued to lose weight...it has been a five year journey which has seen me 175 pounds lighter than I used to be....325 pounds is still far from my goal, but I slowly Go Forward. I've been to picnics with my co-workers, and even tried dating a few times...but those efforts ended horribly. In August I visited my family back East to celebrate my brother's 40th Birthday...I needed to since I was utterly alone for my 40th...I am glad our family has embraced him so wonderfully for that special event. I rekindled some of what I lost, and tried things which I thought I would never have been physically able to do.
I returned to work two weeks ago, a bit shaky from the jet lag....nothing horrible happened when I was gone...my fears that I would leave these huge messes behind assuaged by the fact that after 10 years, I've gotten reasonably good at what I do...and a few days ago I was sent a picture of me, in my ill-fitting clip-on sunglasses looking like a complete dork...but clinging to my frame were my three nephews...and a note telling me how glad they were to have a cool uncle...even if he didn't know how to wear cool sunglasses.
I sit here now, in a great deal of mental conflict...wondering if this is finally enough to break me out of a suicidal tailspin that I've put myself into through neglect of my medical conditions...and at the same time I am frozen with terror...that if I swallow my fears and apprehension and present myself out to the world in general a newer, prouder, stronger and wiser man that I will simply be crushed even worse than before...42 years of defeat, 42 years of bitter disappointments, 42 years of lost loves, missed friendships, and harsh luck.
Forward.
I keep telling myself that.
Forward to the doctor, to tell him I choose not to commit suicide any longer.
Forward to rekindling the good-hearted nature within me.
Forward to friendships and love.
Now I've said it out loud, in a way...even if it's to a dark, empty room....at least the shadows know I will not die quietly...and forces at work around me will need to accept that.
--Murphy
"I will not go quietly...if anything, I'll go out with a sinister laugh, and leave all the rest wondering..."
What Have I Done...
Posted 13 years agoI think I just stumbled into doing a story commission...and now I have to hash out pricing for what I've spawned....
Actually, the Hell with it...I'll call it a collaboration and be done with it...if I get a donation out of it, then fine.
Having fun with it, which is all that matters in the end, right?
Helps me forget of my issues on the home front.
Anyhoo...FriskeCrisps is posting it on his corner of FurAffinity, I might do the same...eventually.
Before that, maybe post a piece as to what the Hell Murphy actually looks like.
I think this is my first journal entry....or maybe my second...I don't get out here much...that god-awful pink banner is up again....and the schmuck spelled "perseverance" wrong...spell check, dude, you're advertising....
I ramble...and am exhausted, and I'm playing the role of Grumpy Old Man...
Gonna guzzle a quart of prune juice, yell at folks to get off my damn lawn...actually I don't have a lawn, they'll have to get off my damn dirt....and go to bed.
Be Good, all you crickets reading this...
--Murph.
Actually, the Hell with it...I'll call it a collaboration and be done with it...if I get a donation out of it, then fine.
Having fun with it, which is all that matters in the end, right?
Helps me forget of my issues on the home front.
Anyhoo...FriskeCrisps is posting it on his corner of FurAffinity, I might do the same...eventually.
Before that, maybe post a piece as to what the Hell Murphy actually looks like.
I think this is my first journal entry....or maybe my second...I don't get out here much...that god-awful pink banner is up again....and the schmuck spelled "perseverance" wrong...spell check, dude, you're advertising....
I ramble...and am exhausted, and I'm playing the role of Grumpy Old Man...
Gonna guzzle a quart of prune juice, yell at folks to get off my damn lawn...actually I don't have a lawn, they'll have to get off my damn dirt....and go to bed.
Be Good, all you crickets reading this...
--Murph.
No Subject
Posted 13 years agoOff to a slow start...a few home issues needed attending to.
Murphy Fiftien is coming into focus, however, and his stories will slowly begin to flow. Haven't explored my darker side in many years, so this should be disturbing and hopefully entertaining...
But for now....sleep...if for only a few hours...
--Murphy15.
"The first couple of weeks were the most Hellish...and I became privy to scenes that no one should have to lay witness to...but after a while, I began to understand...we all did." I looked to my close friend and put my paw on the stained black and gray leather. My gaze was warning enough for the human being, but I gave her my disclaimer anyway: "The stories within this journal are real...either by accounts of witnesses, or from the participants themselves. They exhibit behaviors most would find disturbing at best....and simply wrong at worst. I will not make any judgement of those people based on the things they do, because for them, what they did was right, and none of us can deny their basic humane right to be happy." I shook my head at Sylvia's shocked expression. "No...they didn't break any laws...they caused no harm to anyone...so we cannot say they deserve punishment..." I turned away, not wanting her to pry any further.
"Murph...what exactly DO you do?" I fixed my gold and red gaze back to her.
"You're not ready to know the whole of it...but in the loosest sense...I'm a reporter."
Murphy Fiftien is coming into focus, however, and his stories will slowly begin to flow. Haven't explored my darker side in many years, so this should be disturbing and hopefully entertaining...
But for now....sleep...if for only a few hours...
--Murphy15.
"The first couple of weeks were the most Hellish...and I became privy to scenes that no one should have to lay witness to...but after a while, I began to understand...we all did." I looked to my close friend and put my paw on the stained black and gray leather. My gaze was warning enough for the human being, but I gave her my disclaimer anyway: "The stories within this journal are real...either by accounts of witnesses, or from the participants themselves. They exhibit behaviors most would find disturbing at best....and simply wrong at worst. I will not make any judgement of those people based on the things they do, because for them, what they did was right, and none of us can deny their basic humane right to be happy." I shook my head at Sylvia's shocked expression. "No...they didn't break any laws...they caused no harm to anyone...so we cannot say they deserve punishment..." I turned away, not wanting her to pry any further.
"Murph...what exactly DO you do?" I fixed my gold and red gaze back to her.
"You're not ready to know the whole of it...but in the loosest sense...I'm a reporter."
