...I see little Diva slowly stalking something I can't see. Ok, I figure, she's found another mouse. Cool. Then, as I watch, she stalks closer and closer to the big bag of cat-litter we'd just bought earlier in the afternoon (stuff called Swheat Scoop- it's like Nature's Miracle, only made from wheat instead of corn cob and it's half the price). Ah, it must have gone behind it... So I wait for the outcome (it's easier to rescue the mice if I let her catch 'em first) as she makes her slow, predatory mooooove... then stops. Glares.

And I realize she's staring at the bag. Then she hisses at it.

I almost fall over, laughing so hard, I scared the poor dumb cat who was hissing... at the life-sized picture of... another cat.



I had to get a photo of this... But she figured it out before I could get the camera: sniffed at it, touched her nose to it, realized it wasn't real, gave me a pissy look for laughing at her and stalks off.

Shit had to be the funniest thing I'd seen in a long time.

[EDIT] Holy SHEET, I love the new banner! LOL FA's fallen to the Pony Menace! NUUUUUUU! *cackle* [/EDIT]

.. not long, though- I hope. I'm still having a lot of mood-swings, and they were pretty bad this last two weeks with the whole rash of suicides, Suicide Prevention Week, vent art and so on. Sorry for being a downer, guys.

On the plus side, I've been able to get dribs and drabs of work done, so while progress is glacier, there's still progress.

The doc is suggesting my GP increase me dosage (yay, pills. Fun), and she's got my mate keeping an eye on me, made me promise to call her if I find myself "in the hole" again... Yeah, she thinks it's that bad. I don't want to agree with her, dammit. This is just one of my "normal" downs, I get 'em whenever I'm near my period, there's crap happening to people I care about, and it's triggering it, OK? That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. Derp.

My old buddy,  horsieboy is very, very ill. The cancer is back, and it's beating the fuck out of him. He was hurt last year and when he went in to the hospital because of pain and a dry cough, the docs found his old enemy was back for another engagement. I might be heading up to Winnipeg to see him and his mate,  atomicat The prognosis is still iffy, but we're rooting for him. He was the first person I ever felt anything close to love for- we were even engaged for a while. Our lives took very different paths, but we stayed friends...

Yeah, I know I'm talking about him as if he's already gone, but it's so touch and go, this kind of thing, and he's fought it once before and won, so I have some hope he can do it again (though it's supposedly worse, this time).

Try not to worry, guys- I will be back. Just taking a breather to concentrate on getting better, work on some art, maybe get some sewing in, and maybe visiting a friend who might be dying.

Gee, that sounds so cheerful... Argh. When does it fucking STOP?

9/11: proof that religion, fanaticism & paranoia are NOT healthy for an advanced civilization.

Yes, honour the dead, honour the heroic firefighters, the brave folks of Flight 93. But also remember that the fall of the towers was only the beginning of more, & greater (in my opinion), crimes to come, committed in the name of "The War On Terror".

Don't let the flag-waving, patriotic, calculatedly overly-dramatic froth fool you. 9/11 was a horrible tragedy, but to use such an event as fuel for hatred, greed and as an excuse to invade nations not even involved is repulsive in the extreme. Be aware of how your own rights have been affected over this last ten years. Be aware of how the paranoia has shaped our culture in ways that strike me as unhealthy. Be aware, period, of what your elected officials are doing in the name of your "safety".

Don't let their crimes pass your notice through apathy and complacency.

Yes, by all means, remember 9/11. But, also remember that your "safety" should not come at the cost of your freedom or your rights. Living behind closed borders, locked doors, barbed-wire fences and figuratively hiding in our "bunkers" of closed-circuit cameras, sensors, alarms, uniformed armed guards, paranoia disguised as concern is crazy. Schools where teenagers go to learn about their world have metal-detectors at their entrances, with the attendant armed guards. Are we teaching our kids that living in a prison atmosphere is actually ok?

Think about it.

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

[EDIT] This is not connected in any way to my journal up there, but you've GOT to see these gorgeous little dragons and other sculptures! This lady's stuff is jaw-droppingly beautiful! http://www.etsy.com/shop/creaturesf.....ef=seller_info

A fellow named  bartonstroud wrote the following missive (after the fancy tildes), but I'm reposting it here for my own reasons.

I've known folks who have committed suicide. I've been on the verge of it myself. And, finally, there are two of my dear friends who are struggling with it right now, and I want them to read this. You know who you are, and I'll link you both to this journal in a minute.

First, my own thoughts on the matter:

Seriously, as a person who's been through this, as a person who sees far too many people suffer alone, as someone who's lost friends to suicide, if you do nothing else and stop listening here, at least, read this: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ Please.

What I went through:

Some of you already know some of this story, but I lived through a fuckton of abuse growing up. From parents, peers, even strangers on the street. After I left home, the abuse didn't actually stop- I was now doing it to myself by telling myself I was a worthless human being, that I was stupid, fat, ugly and so on. I didn't know I was doing this. Depression didn't take long to start fucking with me- the first signs actually hit me between the ages of six and ten years old, though I didn't know what it really was. I didn't know why I was unhappy- I just thought it was caused by the disappointment at having no friends and being bullied.

Long story short, I found myself standing on a bridge in the rain, looking at the fast-flowing river (it had been a severe flood year- the "Flood of the Century") and thinking no one would miss me if I climbed over the railing and went for a little night swim. That was the first time I ever actually thought of killing myself. I was lucky- I still had it in me to ask for help. The problem with the first suicidal thoughts is that it becomes easier to go there. I have had other "moments" since that night in 1997 where the ugly thoughts made a showing. I don't talk about them, much- they're rather embarrassing, actually.

Pain can be survived, no matter what it is. I was able to get help only because of my stubborn refusal to give up. Suicide was entirely counter to that, and so they fought it out in my head: suicide lost.

Unfortunately, not everyone is so lucky. They're deep into their pain, they've come to believe that it's all there is, that it'll never end...

About pain:
A three-year-old slashes open their palm on a piece of glass in the playground: to them, it's the end of the world. They're terrified at all the blood and how much it fucking hurts. They'll remember that pain probably all their life. A woman is brutally raped: to them, it's the end of the world. They're terrified of the man hurting her and how much it fucking hurts. She'll probably remember it the rest of her life. Pain is pain. None are more or less than another. Some pains we can shrug off, sure- I can shrug off a second-degree burn to my hand so I didn't drop the hot soup that caused it- but when it comes to traumatic things- someone watching a friend being killed in front of them, being attacked, me being raped- pain is pain.

There is no "hierarchy of pain" where one sort of trauma is greater than another. Pain is pain, and how we deal with it is as individual as the events that spawned it. Your pain isn't less than mine. It's just different, because it happened to you, and not to me. That is the ONLY real difference. To make comparisons of pain is to really say one person is weaker than the other because such-and-such pain was "minor" to you. Selfish and sneering attitudes like that have no place in discussions of suicide. It is not a matter of finding out if the pain is "worthy" enough to want to escape from it! What we should really be doing is finding out how we can help this person survive their pain so they don't have to feel they've been trapped into a corner where they cannot escape.

If you are in that especially dark territory of suicidal thoughts, I suggest this: use anything you can to get through another day- TO GIVE YOURSELF THE ROOM AND THE WINDOW FOR AN OPPORTUNITY FOR SOMETHING BETTER TO HAPPEN. Tomorrow might be different. Suicide is not a relief of pain- you can't feel relief if you're dead! When you leave room for options, you have more tools to work with. Make a point of finding more options. Allowing yourself to reach out, or to take the hand that was reached out to you also gives you more options. That's all my suggestions are, by the way- potential options, but you have to make them work.

I'll just say this and get on with pasting in the journal: Killing yourself removes all options, and that means you lose- EVERYTHING. You will be depriving yourself of all future chances, you will be throwing away all of those future opportunities, friends, loves and joys. Why? Because you hurt NOW, and that pain has tricked you into thinking that the hurt is all there is and that it will never end. It is a LIE. Remember that you hate being lied to!

It gets better, it really does. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, on to Mr. Stroud's eloquent letter (the portion that is the meme being passed around is marked thus: {{{}}}):

"(there is more preamble than what I'm posting here, but as it's rather private, he might not want anyone else posting that bit. If you want to read the full thing, go here---> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2693471/ )

And I have one thing to add to the little meme going around: don't let anyone tell you that suicide is selfish. Fuck those people. It's a lousy attempt to shame you out of your thoughts, to guilt you into surviving. That's bullshit.

Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is what happens when your mind cannot cope with the pain and frustration it deals with and lacks any other way out. It is the last and final symptom of mental disorders. It's a symptom. Remember that.

You are not a bad person for having suicidal thoughts. You are not a selfish person for having suicidal thoughts. Don't let people guilt you into thinking otherwise. If you are dealing with suicidal fantasies, it's because your mind is fighting itself.

Suicide is not something chosen lightly. Don't begrudge those who end their own life. The world isn't perfect, we deal with mental illness in our own ways, and when someone makes the tragic choice to end their life, we are only hurting ourselves by shaming them.

That's all I wanted to say. I encourage you guys to pass along this meme. It's one of the few I've seen on FA that's actually worth a damn.



{{{To the Fandom:

September 4th – 10th is National Suicide Prevention Week, and, what shall become a Suicide Prevention/awareness week across Furaffinity, but, we need your help! As many of you know, we have lost several members even in our own fandom, those for whatever reasons, chose to take their own lives.

The goal of this meme is to spread the word, yes it happens, and yes, we can help. This isn’t a self-righteous or self-gaining meme; rather, it is somewhat of a Public Service Announcement.

Please, help this spread like wildfire, let everyone know, there ARE those in the fandom they can confide in, who are willing to talk to them, and are willing to do our best to help. If we can save even just one, it will all be worth it.

Life has its ups and downs, it isn’t all easy, but, we have to make the most of every moment we have. There is no replacing a life thrown away.

To those who just need someone to listen, those on that edge, please, if you ever need to talk to me, if I’m on, I will do as much as I can to help. I won’t judge or yell, I only want to help. There are others who are willing to help as well.

Just know this if I am not online….

You are...

Worthy to be loved and to love others
Worthy to be cared for and to help care for others
Worthy to be nurtured and to nurture others
Worthy to be touched and supported
Worthy to be listed to and listen to others
Worthy to be recognized
Worthy to be encouraged and to encourage others
Worthy to be reinforced as “good”


No one is perfect, but, that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living…please…just hang on…it gets better!"


If you are contemplating suicide OR if you know someone that you're afraid might be suicidal, please read this first:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/


If you're wanting help but are afraid to ask for it from friends, here are some anonymous help lines and resources you can turn to:

http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/home
http://www.yellowribbon.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-TALK (8522)


Remember, suicide is never the answer, even if you no longer value your own life, there are plenty of others that do; You are never truly alone unless you choose to be. ♥

Please if you support this repost. Let people know you care.


P.S. To all artist out there..I humbly ask you......please, if you have the time and care for this week, to make ONE picture, one story, one sketch, one painting, one song......that shouts out to all who see it "life is worth living" and "We will stand strong"}}}

{EDIT}: something I found on one of the metanoia pages that I think is worth repeating here. If you, or anyone you know, shows these traits, they may be in trouble- they certainly are in great hurt. Talk to someone, or get them help, in any way you can.

Link to a page with warning-signs and what you can do to help someone in this situation: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm

I call it the "Bullet List" (things in bolded text are my emphasis because they resonate particularly strong with me and I suspect with another certain person):

* Problems with memory. Persistent, intrusive, and vivid memories concerning the traumatic situation. Events of daily life may trigger distressing memories related to the trauma. Memory lapses for parts of the traumatic situation. Many suicidal people are troubled by strong images, such as the feeling that they have bombs inside their bodies or a knife over their heads, and in recovery continue to be bothered by the memory of having had these images.
* Avoidance of things associated with the traumatic experience.
* Denial on the seriousness of the experience.
* Persistent anxiety.
* Fear that the traumatic situation will recur. The trauma is often an event that shatters the survivors sense of invulnerability to harm.
* Disturbed by the intrusiveness of violent impulses and thoughts.
* Engagement in risk-taking behavior to produce adrenaline.
* A feeling of being powerless over the traumatic event. Anger and frustration over being powerless.
* A feeling of being helpless about ones current condition.
* Being dramatically and permanently changed by the experience.
* A sense of unfairness. Why did this happen to me?
* Holding oneself responsible for what happened. Feeling guilty.
* The use of self-blame to provide an illusion of control. Sexual assault survivors often blame themselves: If I hadn't been at that location, worn those clothes, behaved in that way, then it wouldn't have happened. This pattern is also found in the survivors of a completed suicide. If I had only done x, the suicide would not have happened, can be used to try to cope with the fear that suicide will happen again in the family--i.e., it is preventable if I just manage things differently. The suicidal are often full of self-blame. As in the other cases it is partly due to an internalization of social attitudes that blame the victim or family, and also due to the effort to gain mastery over the situation. To imagine we could have done more is more tolerable than total helplessness.
* An inability to experience the joys of life.
* Feelings of being alienated from the other people and society in general. I am different. I am shameful. If they knew what I was like, they would reject me. I don't belong in this world. I'm a freak, an outcast.
* When people with PTSD try to return to normal life, they are plagued by readjustment problems in the basic elements of life. They have difficulties in relationships, in employment, and in having families.
* A lack of caring attachments. A sense of a lack of purpose and meaning.
* Some chronically traumatized people lose the sense that they have a self at all.
* Veterans report the feeling that they never really made it back from the war. Formerly suicidal people feel they never really made it back to normal life.
* One Viet Nam veteran with PTSD said, I don't have any friends and I am pretty particular about who I want as a friend.
* PTSD was aggravated for Viet Nam veterans because they returned to a country that had negative attitudes toward them. For sexual assault survivors, stigmatization is the second injury.
* When Viet Nam veterans returned home people were angry at them. They had shamed the country, they had done something wrong, they were potentially harmful to others, it was dangerous to be with them. Sexual assault survivors may receive angry responses--on the grounds that they have done something that shames the family. Suicide attempters often experience great anger from family and care providers.
* A deep distrust of co-workers, employers, authorities.
* Left with unexpressed rage against those who were indifferent to their situation and who failed to help them.
* In personal relationships there are problems of dependency and trust. A fear of being abandoned, betrayed, let down. A belief that people will be hurtful if given a chance. Feelings of self-hatred and humiliation for being needy, weak, and vulnerable. Alternating between isolation and anxious clinging.
* Trauma often causes the victim to view the world as malevolent, rather than benign.
* No sense of having a future, or, the belief that ones future will be very limited.
* Feel that they belong more to the dead than to the living.
* The feeling of having a negative Midas touch--everything I get involved with goes bad.
* Loss of self-confidence, and loss of feelings of mastery and competence.
* A resistance to efforts to change a maladaptive world view that results from the trauma.
* A mistrust of counselors ability to listen.
* People who suffered traumatic experiences as children, teenagers, or young adults may simultaneously become prematurely aged and developmentally arrested. A part of them feels old. Another part feels stuck at the age they had when the trauma occurred.
* PTSD can be worse if the sufferer experiences the trauma as an individual rather than as a member of a group of people who are suffering the same situation. Unlike earlier wars in which units went overseas together and returned together, in Viet Nam each soldier had an individual DEROS (Date of Expected Return from Overseas). This reduced unit cohesiveness; each soldier experienced the war from an individual point of view. Suicidal people experience their near-death situation with extreme isolation. They see their conditions as being completely unique - terminal uniqueness. They have no sense of identification with others.
* The severity of PTSD symptoms tends to increase with the severity and duration of the trauma.
* The use of alcohol or drugs to cope with the PTSD symptoms.
* Attempts to do things to gain a feeling of mastery over the traumatic situation, e.g., become a volunteer on a hotline.

Anyone who's in the art-scene has likely already spotted this little kerfluffle going on DA, but I'm passing it on to those who might not have seen it, here yet: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2633047/ & http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2644321/ and also here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2644559/

Last I checked the ever-growing list of who this Chad Love Leiberman has screwed, over 200 artists have had their works ripped, cropped to remove watermarks or signatures, renamed (horribly, I might add) and then sold at eye-gouging prices to gullible rubes who think they're getting original works of art, but instead receive poorly-printed canvas versions. This pustulent little zit has even ripped stuff from fucking MARVEL COMICS and claimed it as his own. He makes further spurious claims that he's the nephew of a well-known Connecticut senator (no such "relative" exists- the senator is real, the connection isn't). He's even stupid enough to photoshop pictures of popular "stars" (Paris Hilton? Really? What the fuck for?) into pix with him to make it look like he's some sort of jet-setter high in the cool-crowd. He writes puff-pieces about himself to make his business seem legit and like the media has even noticed his existence. He's plagiarized at least two books, and so on, and so on.

Everything this guy has put out about himself being this "Artistic genius" is only a year old or less. His art4love site has apparently been around since 2000...

 silverone and  culpeofox are just two artists who's work I recognized on this creep's selling pages. Have a look at the links yourselves- many of them are on Silver's page. Most of Leiberman's sites are now down, as he's trying to hide his tracks. DON'T LET THIS FUCKER GET AWAY!

IF YOU SEE ANY PIECE THAT YOU RECOGNIZE IN THE VARIOUS SCREENSHOTS FOLKS HAVE BEEN DILIGENTLY COLLECTING TO INCRIMINATE THIS GUY, AND KNOW WHO THE REAL CREATOR IS- LET THAT ARTIST KNOW ASAP!

A massive lawsuit is building against this guy and the concerned artists are gonna make certain he gets the reaming he deserves.

In other news, I've been doing better, depression-wise, and I'm getting some work done... finally. I'm just gonna plug my way through whatever piece grabs my attention for the next while, in no particular order. I'm just gonna work on getting them done. The faster, easier things to do may get completed first, if only to ease my conscience and shorten the length of my queue.

SO, here's the list of folks who are waiting for things from yours truly:

COMMISSION LIST:

 kilroy Green plush dragon- 8-footer. Partially done: all pieces cut, face, back and spikes and horns done.

 robbob4 repairs to Big Red and re-do of his face- not started, yet.

 dranslin- partially paid, four foot plush of his friend  darkvyce

 thorphax- partially paid- two feet of cuteness.

 trozok21 dragon tail in "blue Ghost" material. Not started, yet.

 talakestreal double tail "fire and Ice". Not started, yet.

 lolpard wire-wrap of resin leopard claw. Not started, yet.

Miguel (off-site commission): Killer clown costume: in sketch and fabric-planning stage.

WAITING LIST:

PLUSHES:

 kilroy plush of his firelizard character- have fabric.

 reese life-size tiger plush- have fabric.

 demonlordookami one plush- three to four foot wolf character plush.

 iceman two character plushes.

PARTIALS:

 dustythemare one pair of horsey hooves.

 scarlitt dragon tail.

 anyadeserval head and paws

 chargirl5000 pair of dragon tails- eastern and western.

 kindred-dragon one pair of hand-paws. I found Nuum! Yay! (actually, a fur at a meet knew him and was able to give me his FA- hopefully, he'll post a pic of the badge I did for him last FC!) We're gonna meet up at FC 2012 to discuss the particulars of the paws, so, on the waiting-list for now.

STEAMPUNK GOGGLES:

 rheiga his and hers customized goggles.

Mooncini: one pair of goggles.


If I've forgotten anyone, please let me know! I'll get these completed as quickly as I can! You folks have all been wonderfully patient with me and my ills- THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

...as part of my treatment. It's a little, erm... mood-breaking.

It's filled with these "Assignments" to do various things: draw yourself, how you fit in the world, how you and your family interact, do a timeline of your life, describe your trauma... I "love" how it always says "trauma" in the singular. Ha. Yeah, right- "one trauma per person, please- now, don't be greedy, there's enough for everyone!" Argh.

The lifeline was... uncomfortable...

Mood sank even lower - "Draw a time-line of your life" it sez. Yeesh- I ended up with a page literally covered in spidery writing, little doodles and a visual of just how totally and utterly FUCKED OVER by life I've been. Maaaan. *whines* The first six years were the hardest: I had to grit my teeth, crank my toonz LOUD and growl my way through that bit to get past the emotional wall, then got into a groove marking each year and it's major events. Oy, what a mess.

I started it with a skull to represent my mother's failed suicide... while she was still pregnant with me. Jeez- couldn't get an even break, and I wasn't even in the world, yet! :/ The first three years of my life were spent watching my mother get the shit beat out of her by her fucktard of a husband- then fleeing for our lives when the creep tried to burn down the apartment building we'd first ran to to get away from his insane, jealous, violent, drunkard...

Then, mother decides she can't be without a man, so she shacks up with the next piece of crud that comes along- in literally months. Gets pregnant right away with brother number two- I'm sent to a foster home that same year (I was five) so she could concentrate on the middle boy. Then, the city gives me back to these inbreds- and I'm raped by some random drunk that same summer. WTF?

Dammit- the whole FUCKING THING IS LIKE THAT.

Then, I got to do what I considered "the antidote"- "taking the timeline into consideration, what have you learned? Draw another self-portrait (I had to do one earlier) describing yourself. Has anything changed?" *giggles* I drew me as a grouchy-looking dragon pin-cushioned with arrows, one in her paw, and she's saying "Seriously? You tried pretty hard, BUT I'M STILL HERE, and now I'm gonna fuckin' KILL you..." Heh. Felt a bit better after that, 'cuz I could get around the "no art this week" rule.

Then me and  kanis ate some food and watched "Iron Giant" as a come-down.

I'm still grouchy, though. Dangit.

I haven't done one of these in a while...

20 art-peeves! Snaked this from Italics are things I yoinked from Necro's response to this.


1. Trying to draw what's in my head, and having it come out looking like I did it when I was five and while on acid. WTF? WHERE DID MY COOL IDEA GO?

2. Blowing eraser shavings off the page and accidentally spitting on the image D:<

3. Getting ideas in the middle of the night or right as I'm about to sleep, promise myself to write it down in the morning ('cuz I've been up too long, I'm frakkin' bagged, and I doubt I could just WRITE... right?), then wake up in the AM, try to recall what the heck had me all excited... and draw a blank. FUUUUU--

4. Losing/misplacing materials for ages. break down finally and buy new materials. find them the next day. I think all of us have done this at one time or another. LOL

5. Getting really inspired while not near my art supplies... promise to write shit down as soon as I can get to some paper... Repeat #3. ARRRRGH. I need one of those voice-recorder things!

6. Having so many ideas that it crowds my muse and I cant draw DX or they blur together into an incomprehensible mess that I have to somehow untangle afterward. There's this Dwarf character in one of Terry Pratchett's novels who gets every bit of inspiration that's whizzing around the ether, and, when a half-dozen hit him all at once, the poor mook goes blank-eyed and he... babbles nonsense, tries to get it all down, and ends up sounding utterly lunatic. That's me.

7. Flipping my pencil back from erasing too fast, have it fall out of my hand... only to have it roll to where I can't reach or see it (my arms can't reach the floor when I'm sitting in a chair) and I have to climb down (yes, it's a NORMAL-sized chair), somehow get my knees to bend and I crawl around under my table, trying to find the fuggin' pencil. I don't, so I creak back upright and grab another one from the jar. Grumble and mutter, and continue drawing while bitching at my knees, c'uz now they HURT. Wash, rinse, repeat, three or four times per piece. Fuckin' arthritis. Then, need to move, roll back my chair, and crush the pencil I'd originally "lost". *growls*

8. People that demand gift art, then whine that it's not quite what they wanted. Fuggoff, ya entitled git. I don't do "requested" gift art anymore- one experience with this was enough. If I happen to draw something for someone on a lark, cool. But DON'T ASK.

9. People who tell me how awesome they think my art is, then tell me to "get a real job- you'll starve as an artist..." or give me the "you should do this..." speech, but they don't do any kind of art...

10. Using a technique you thought you knew well, but haven't used in some time... only to find you have fucking RELEARN IT.

11. Where'd the cap to this go? *covers offending paint-tube, marker, etc with a sheet of plastic and tapes it down* This drives me nutz.

12. Reaching for something while happily in my painting groove, then discover that what I want isn't where I'd thought I'd left it. Spend the next hour looking for it. Lose the muse. FUUUU-

13. Not having enough funds to buy a whole art store >_<

14. Walking into said art-store and getting a flood of ideas I can't act upon... because I can't afford half the shit in there to actually make what I want. :/

15. Reaching for something while happily in my painting groove, knock over a jar of paint/ink/dirty paint-water... ALL OVER THE PIECE I WAS TWO HOURS AWAY FROM FINISHING... Sigh, and start over.

16. Re-re-re-re-revising a piece of art See #15, add in that the revisions are because someone just will not cease NIT-PICKING on teeny, tiny details. Argh, anal-retentive freebie art-requesters make me rage.

17. Power outages...lost, unsaved digital art. <insert RAGE here> This happened to me, ONCE- not a power outage, but a full-on compy-crash. I have a bad habit of forgetting to save every once in a while- POOF! There went four hours of work.  kanis was awesome and found me a Photoshop plug-in that autosaves every ten minutes- doesn't slow things down, much, unless I have multiple tabs open, or if the image is huge.

18. Starting a piece and really getting into it, but being interrupted somehow <--- THIS. Dammit, Kani, lemme fucking do this shit! I don't care that it's midnight! I'm on a roll! ARRRGH. We do not have to go to bed at the same time! I love you, now go away! LOL

19. Being pestered for a piece over and over, and then losing the drive for that piece anymore <-- This, too. I finally tell the guy to bounce off and leave me be- especially as it was a freebie. Blargh.

20. My tea is not paint water. And viceversa. Egad, if I could name how often I've done this... LOL Bonus point: do it more than once, then do it on a piece you haven't even started, yet and discover a neato technique for "distressing" your page...

*giggle*

I need to get my shit together. I'm not meeting my obligations and that sucks. I'm getting into arguments with folks, and that sucks. I'm in a five-month-long (so far) slump that's proving to be more than just me being lazy... and that sucks. My knee really hurts like some evil little shit stuck a fucking coal in there.... and that sucks... I'm fed up with feeling like I'm a broken, financial drain on my husband... A good friend may be dying, and I can't be there for him, and that sucks, too.

I need to go away from the Net-world for a while. I'm not sure when I'll be back- therapy is slow, so it may be a while.

To my commissioners- if any of you want refunds, I'll understand, and I'll make arrangements to pay you back, because I honestly don't know how long you guys are going to have to wait, and that sucks, too.

I feel like a brown-stain on the shorts of everyone's life...


...And that sucks.

I'm still hunting for info on how to deal with a certain situation (can't name names, sorry), and I've gotten various advice ranging from "throw the book at 'em!" to "drop it, there isn't much you can do."

Maybe not, but I'm certainly going to try. I don't like liars. I despise those who would taint the reputation of REAL service-animals with their half-trained, rangy, hyper dogs (however lovable that dog may be) because it gets them attention and feeds their fantasies. I hate it when someone sneers and laughs at a serious suggestion that they learn to train their dog better. I hate it when people think they're being persecuted or harassed because someone got in their faces and fronted them with their bad behaviour. I hate entitled little twits who spout bullshit regurgitations of badly-scripted television-programs, thinking they actually know something because they saw such and such a show about dog-behaviour and psychology (this is an assumption on my part- I'm thinking this is likely where they got some of their "knowledge", from the things they were saying). It pisses me off utterly to see someone so misuse certain information and then use it to justify the abuse of an animal.

Don't kick your dog.

Don't lie about it's ancestry.

Don't, by all that's good in this world, fucking LIE about them being a Service-dog, either!<--- It's fraudulent, wrong, and may entail legal charges, fines and even jail-time.

Just don't do this sort of thing.

Some relevant links for your edification:

http://anewscafe.com/2009/11/24/car.....-for-the-vest/ A couple of the commentors in the thread below the article quote the California law regarding fraudulent claims of one's dog as a Service-animal (scroll down, it's around the middle).

http://www.iaadp.org/doj-def-commen.....II-III-SA.html The law itself, with recent amendments and judge's commentary.

http://www.phillyburbs.com/lifestyl.....a4bcf6878.html

A quote from this article: "Pet-owners who fake a disability and display their dogs as service animals are committing fraud and can face a fine or, more seriously, federal fraud charges.

One of the best ways to spot service dog fraud is to pay close attention to the dog's behavior in a public place. Service dogs spend years in training and will not bark or become stressed out unless their handler is in trouble. They are also trained to obey their owner's commands and lay down in a quiet manner when instructed to do so. If a dog with a service vest is not obeying or listening and seems distracted or agitated, he is most likely not a legitimate service animal."

Well, that's just total bullpucky. *grouches* It got a complaint, I suppose, and an admin felt it was necessary to remove it. Frak.

Now I'm pissed.

[EDIT] Do not name the person I saw kicking their dog! SERIOUSLY- NO NAMES. I will delete any comment that mentions this person in public. Sorry, but I never intended this to become any sort of harassment- I simply wanted someone to stop lying about their dog being a service-animal and to not use physical force (however "gentle") to discipline their animal. That's it. NO NAMES. Thanx. [/EDIT]

*siiiiighs and curls up in a corner for a while* Dagnabbit.

We had the plumbers over to check on the leak in our wall. I had noticed mold growing at a join and that water seemed to be collecting into bubbles behind the paint, so we knew we had a leak. So  kanis checked the lease-agreement, found that any repair that would be over $100 is the owner's responsibility and relaxed, as this is definitely going to be over that. We had to rip out a wall and part of the ceiling to find the leak and discovered corroded pipes... and a massive nest of leaves, twigs, acorns ans chipmunk feces.

In fact, it literally showered down upon the unfortunate plumbers (who were very patient with the whole thing and have likely seen as bad or worse)- thankfully, they'd had a bit of a head's up on the filth, so they'd laid down plastic before going any further. Easy to clean up, yay- which they did themselves- kudos to them.

So, now we have a "holey" wall, evidence of an established leak that had seemed to "go away" over the winter (the water had been turned off and the pipes emptied to prevent damage from freezing while no one was in the building) that the previous tenant- or the owner- had simply patched over and painted, and an infestation of the cutest little invaders...

I mean, chipmunks are fucking CUTE- disgustingly cute. Agile, playful and hilarious to watch, but dammit, they've apparently been living in the walls for years. Someone in the past has sealed up the access-hatch to the attic-crawlspace, preventing anyone from going up there to patch any holes or clear out nests, so the 'munks have had it sweet for generations.

I have mild allergies to molds and rodents (their feces and dust, really- I can pet someone's rat, for example and not get sick) and my inhaler has seen some use, lately. This is pretty bad- mold has grown all along the wet beams, and the water has apparently been leaking for the entire time since we'd turned on the water-supply, and, once the joists were soaked, it started to come out of the walls.

How nice, we find a major problem and the poor owner is off in England getting surgery for his back. The guy had a stroke only a couple of months ago, does he need any more hassles? Yeah, I'm sympathetic to the guy who owns the place- he's nice, if a bit hack-handed with the repairs he's been doing around the place. But, to be honest, a lot of the really crazy shit we've found had been done by the previous owner- I think this fellow has simply been doing what he can to make the place presentable.

We still like the house, despite the staircase of evil, the mud-patch we call a yard and the hot and cold running rodents (three different species, so far. EGAD). My hope is that Mr. M will be OK with the fact that we keep finding stuff that needs to be fixed: I mean, he'll either be cheesed off because now he has to deal with it, or be pleased because someone finally gives a shit about this poor, neglected property.


Update on the dog-kicker situation.:

It's unfortunately nebulous whether or not she abuses her dog- I know she didn't mean to hurt him, that she never intended to harm him, but it still bothers the fuck out of me that she felt kicking him was not only OK, but actually necessary, as she later told me in a reply on her journal. She's since deleted the journal, but I've screen-capped all of it, so I have evidence of her game of distraction to get me off the real issue: whether or not she has the skills needed to teach a big, rambunctious, possibly-part-wolf dog that would be a handful even for a knowledgeable trainer.

Since she has called into question my own integrity (badly, but hey, she tried), and told me that I didn't know what I was talking about, and that I lack "class" (her words), it's becoming obvious to me that this girl is living in a weird little fantasy-world all her own, where kicking her dog is nothing to worry about.

She just doesn't seem to understand that it's not just one person's unwitnessed word, but five. That five separate people all saw the same thing and all agree that there is something fucked up about even lightly kicking one's pet for anything, let alone something as minor as peeing on their shoes after a long, tiring, exciting night. She refuses to take any responsibility for her behaviour other than to pull out pseudo-animal-psychology out of various documentaries, TV-programs and her butt to justify her "training technique" and make dubious claims about it's necessity to be firm and be the alpha of her pack.

So I'm asking, does anyone know this person on a closer basis than I do? Have you been to her house and seen how she treats her pets in private? Would anyone be willing to let me know if her dog is actually safe and happy, or if they worry about him, too? Comment here or, if you have info that's too private (or potentially legally actionable), email me at twdragon[at]dracoventions.com

Basically, I've learned that I cannot make a report about this without certain information- a user-name on a website and a vague description of the person and their dog isn't enough.

*siiiiigh*

...But I gotta share THIS---> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irQ_.....TE&index=2

I think this has got to be the best mashup I have yet heard, and the synching that was done with the animated characters is so spot-on, that I could almost see it as an "official" vid!

You can blame my mate,  kanis, via  electric_talia for my hearing this and having it stuck in my head. LOL






















Dammit, I'm starting to like those stupid little candy-coloured hoofers. *grouses*

This is the Mary Sue that started this whole thing, along with  dreamprophecy's journal about Mary Sues: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/5694283 LOL

The artist is  morumotto

I went for a nose through her gallery, and she's got an intense, but extremely simple style, with soft shapes and an interestingly de-saturated palette. OK, art-speak aside, she does pretty work, and considering that she does do light mature works on occasion, I'm really surprised that someone who's been on FA a couple of months longer than I have doesn't have more watchers! O___o This is a travesty that must end.

So, go check her out, I don't think you'll regret it.

[EDIT]: the move-in date has been moved up- we'll likely be loading the truck on the 17th of May, then driving up the next day. We've put in our notice, as of this past Saturday, and I've been packing the non-essentials all week, so far. Getting to the important bits, soon. We're going back up for May 11th to do a final inspection of the property to see if the repairs and cleaning we requested have been done and to note anything else that will need doing later for the move-in report. Hopefully, we'll get to meet the owner, too- we've been dealing with a rental agency until now.

We have tentative permission for us to paint and spruce things up a bit, and they seem to be OK with my doing a little yard-work to make it less rough-looking. I'm not going to do anything really serious, garden-wise, just leveling the fenced portion of the yard, maybe sowing in some grass and pretty perennials for the borders. I may possibly paint the deck, too, just to weather-proof it.

I'm going to be painting and scrubbing indoors, too. The previous tenant had a number of pets- several dogs and cats- and the place has a distinct (and strong) odour of animal that needs t be cleaned out for my nose's sanity. LOL Wiping down the walls with a bleach/water solution will help a lot, too. then painting to brighten things up- the place looks like it hasn't been painted in years. [/EDIT]

We're packing up the hoard, the kitty, the books, plants and art collections and moving to a little speck called Crestline, California. It's one of those super-pretty wee places that look like it should be on a post-card. >^____^< Mountains, little streams, eagles, hawks, coyotes and all kinds of lovely little songbirds and other wildlife abound up there, and I've heard rumours of bears wandering by on occasion and mountain lions supposedly being seen, too.

Some developer in the past thought modeling the town after a Swiss Alps theme would be cool- I guess it was, in the turn of the Twentieth Century. LOL So there is "gingerbread" on a lot of the houses, really tall, peaked roofs (to handle snow- yes, there will be snow), bright colours and "woodsy" accents like full-on log-cabins, or just window frames made of split logs with the bark still on, these shelters made of field-stone topped with a little brightly-painted yodeling man on top (hilarious looking thing), and a wide variety of small, hand-made and painted wooden signs with the names of families carved in them stuck to trees at intersections pointing the way to each home...

They were so individual, cute and idiosyncratic, I immediately wanted to make up a dragon-shaped one with the words, "this way to the Dragon's Den" carved on it. But I'm not gonna nail it to a tree, thanks- that's just torture for the poor tree. There are plenty of posts to stick things to...

Anyway, here's the plan: we're going to stay up there for a year to see if we like the community- we'd already visited a couple of times to check it out and the area seemed really nice- the people were welcoming, definitely- then we heard how cheap renting- and even buying a house- up there was). Also, to see if my asthma can handle the altitude and if my joints can tolerate the slightly cooler winters than the ones we get in the Valley. I had horrible problems with my knees and hands back in Winnipeg during the winters, especially, and it was starting to affect my back. It was getting so bad that I was on painkillers much of the week, and starting to need a cane to get around once in a while...

So yeah, we're renting a house- it's BIG- three bedrooms with a large deck and even a yard. We get a view of mountains and forest through the pretty bathroom window, the walls surrounding which have been artfully tiled with broken pottery, crisp, white tiles and clear glass blobs- believe me, it looks awesome. There's a separate little building that's going to become my studio: my dream for years, to have a separate place for my art, and a garage-like place that will hopefully become storage for volatiles (my glues and paints) so I don't have to worry about fumes. I can spray out in the garage with the doors open and leave pieces out there where I don't have to worry about crud getting into it, like Diva's hair. The kicker? It's $750 a month. Holy crap, I couldn't rent anything but a roach-infested falling down shack in Winnipeg for that...

I'll have gorgeous backdrops of mountain and forest to take photos of completed projects in, too. Yum. And I'll be able to garden! I'm going to double check, but it sounds like the owners are ok with my cleaning up and landscaping the yard a bit. I'm gonna see if I can repair or replace the little garden lights- maybe get a set of solar-powered ones.

Look for notice in a year or so of us finding and buying a house up there if all goes well. Woot! Away from smog and allergens (no allergies to Nature, really- just the urban miseries of dust-mites, pet-dander- from animals my body isn't used to yet, cigarette smoke and similar things, like tar and car exhaust), away from the noise of constant traffic, away from the crying spawn of too many people around me. *siiigh* I'm gonna love it- I'll have real quiet where I can WORK, where I won't have to worry about making too much noise if I choose to sing along with my tunes...

Awww, man, this is gonna be effing AWESOME!

While I'm packing, I'll still be working my slow way through commissions, and, like I'd said before in previous journals- I'm NOT taking on any new projects until the current list is done.

And, many apologies for taking so long with the ones I'm actually working on. Argh...

I frankly have no excuses other than a bout of depression. While depression is a serious matter, it frustrates me that people end up having to wait while I deal with it- it's not fair to anyone. Anyway, Kani is helping me with it and I've gotten some books on ADHD to learn how it might be affecting my everyday functioning and my depression (found out the two are very much linked- well fark) and I'm learning what I can do to work around the attention-maintenance problem so I can be more effective in completing projects. It's been a real problem with me, lately, and I'm learning some uncomfortable truths about why I procrastinate, blank out, hit the mental-paralysis "wall" where I can't seem to decide what is more important. Thing is, I intellectually know what I should be doing- it's getting me butt moving from a dead-stop that seems to be the issue. Botheration.

Anyway, I'm working on it, and medication might come into the picture, but so far, it's getting perspective, understanding how this thing fucks with my ability to work and taking St. John's Wort and extra energy supplements to see if I can get at least a little closer to "normal" energy-levels and shake off the mopes that come with it while I'm at it. Here's the Grand Joke the Universe has played on me: where a stock-perfect brain has the right amount of neurotransmitters (serotonin, epinephrine and dopamine), mine... doesn't: either too little of the right chemicals, or my body re-absorbs them before they've finished doing their jobs. What this means is, where a stock brain can jump-start itself in the morning, for example, and do the stuff my mind shuts down on (anything long, tedious or simply repetitive), mine needs extra stimulation just to hit "normal" starting energy-levels everyone else seems to be blessed with. Gah. No wonder folks with ADHD are more likely to get into trouble with stimulant drugs like crack and speed. *grumps*

Incidentally, I've tried crack, and I will say this for it- O_____OFOCUS O____O. Holy fuck, focus. Unfortunately, there was this background EVIL edge to the experience- jagged, aggressive and I just knew: get into this stuff, and I will do something stupid- of the sort you read about in the papers. No way am I going that way. After using the stuff a few times and realizing why the stone bothered me, I dropped it and never looked back, despite the little whimper my poor brain made at the lost opportunity to WRITE (which was all I wanted to do while on it).

Yeah, the reason I hate most drugs is because I tried many of them first! LOL That, and seeing what it did to people that I knew. I'll NEVER try meth, for example- which means ecstasy is out (meth is short for methamphetamine and ecstasy is an amphetamine). Meth-heads are FUCKED, and their whole decision-making apparatus is turned to Swiss-cheese. My decision-making apparatus is already compromised, thank you- it's all I can do to get it to working at something close to normal without adding a poorly-manufactured street-variant of speed into the mix. Yeesh.

Ditto for anything injectable. *shudders* Just the thought of sticking a potentially-infected needle into my arm (and trust me on this, get into heroin, you will eventually use a shared needle- it's a fucking given. Remember what I said about the decision-making part of the brain being messed with by these substances)... Guuuuhhhh. I'm mildly phobic of the damned things anyway, so that's one that isn't exactly hard to avoid.

I gave up smoking, both because it affected my asthma and because pot made me paranoid and twitchy- probably something the stuff was cured with. Until I can get weed that's not been adulterated with garbage like fucking embalming-fluid or other junk, fuggeddaboutit. I might still eat it, though... Hmmm, hash-brownies...

I'm not fond of alcohol other than in small amounts (I sip liqueurs and I like wine. MEAD- yum), and I fucking despise drunks. Since I came from an abusive family of alcoholics, I think that's understandable.

Nope, I'm left with caffeine for my stimulant of choice. That and ginseng, guarana and eleuthuro. I'll stick to those, thanx. At least until I make the decision to either go on stimulant medication for the ADHD or not.

Yup, the contents of my head on this April morning, but it's all being superseded by: EEEEEE! WE HAVE A HOUSE!!!! *bounces around like an idiot*

It's freakin' uhMAZIN':  cloudstarwolf This made my jaw hit the floor and effing bounce: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/521...../#cid:40857738

There's a lot more in this person's gallery that is gorgeous, innovative, fun, with a dollop of cheese that just makes ya grin if yer a kid of the seventies like I am. >^______^<

And, holy fuck, I want that macaw-feather dream-catcher in the worst way...

One of the things I often do with my husband is go to these little concerts his old school puts on for friends and faculty. This place makes me green with jealousy every time I go, too: well-funded school, with an emphasis on arts and music. My mind-boggles: a school that doesn't hit you over the head with sports, sports, sports... One that actually encourages reading for enjoyment, learning to play an instrument, their theatre is wonderful and where being a "painter" isn't something only the "weird kids" were interested in. None of that drek I used to hear every live-long day: "you'll never make a living on your art- get a real job!"

Dang, Kani, why couldn't I have grown up in Santa Monica? *droools in a corner for a while*

I went to schools where it was considered "cost-effective in this economy" (IE: whenever their own salaries were threatened due to needing to cut the budget, they'd cut everything that makes school bearable for impoverished kids in the worst neighbourhoods), cutting ANYTHING art-related, hype up the sports (they always get more funding, somehow) and pretty much ignoring real education... or learning cool stuff like playing a guitar or a piano. Um, yeah, the exact kinds of neighbourhoods I grew up in, the exact kinds of schools we got stuck with.

Sour-grapes: only the rich kids get to have a real education. "Wrong side of the tracks", mixed-breed Indian mutts like me don't "deserve" to know more than how to read or operate machinery... when I wasn't being expected to either wait tables, get married and have a clutch of brats, go on welfare, or become a prostitute for one of the local gangs.

Anyway, this isn't about my green-eyed monster and it's love-hate relationship with money and the people who had it handed to them.

Nope, it's about something I overheard last night AFTER the concert from one of the privileged kids I'd just seen perform: "should I be a fatty and have a cookie?"

I nearly broke my neck doing a double-take: Whut? Seriously? The cookies were exquisite little miniature confections maybe an inch wide. The girl who piped this in all innocence was almost six-feet tall (5' 8" or 10", in heels), thin enough that I could put my two hands around her non-existent waist and she was eye-balling the tray of bakery goods like it might bite her instead of the other way around! She couldn't have been much older than fifteen or sixteen, and she was already talking about food like it was poison.

I almost cried.

What kind of a world are we living in when wealth is symbolized by the starveling figure of the fashion model? Where any amount of pudge, once thought to show wealth and health, is now the next worst thing to suffer than actually being poor? Looking at the star-studded world of TV and movies, I see a lot of overly-thin people with really expensive clothes, and where I grew up, a lot of very poor people with too much fat on their bodies wearing jeans and t-shirts wishing they could be the starved person onscreen while scarfing down their mac-n-cheese for the fourth time that week because it was all they could afford. Cheap food, if you want a lot of it to feed your family, is often the worst-quality food you can get, loaded with preservatives and high-fructose corn-syrup. This is stuff I wouldn't suggest anyone should eat, yet it's everywhere, it's what I can afford, and it's making me, and everyone else who has to buy it, fat...

I wanted to SAY something. I really did. But I'm a short, fat, woman, with the build of a peasant: broad shouldered, hefty arms, thick muscle under all of it... and I had a loaded, 7-inch paper plate covered with wee slices of bread, vegetables or cheese (one had 2" pieces of rare steak!), a couple of those tiny cookies she was considering and a whole whopping load of... guilt.

Guilt. Over FOOD.

All kinds of little scenarios whizzed through my brain like a time-lapse video: FLASH! I say something about her being too thin, FLASH! I joke that one cookie won't kill her- but not eating will, FLASH! I take a cookie and eat it, right in front of her, with a malicious grin... Then, I hit on what I should have said: "Decide- have a cookie, or not, but don't associate food with guilt. As soon as you feed yourself on guilt, you're setting yourself up for a life of misery and self-hatred. Just... don't."

But, I was silent, feeling like I always do in those kinds of situations: awkward, unlovely, utterly stupid... and fat.

I'll be blunt. I'm a fat chick. I have jowls, a double chin and a "lap-flap". I baby-powder my rolls so I won't get maddeningly-itchy yeast-infections in there. I'm 5' 3" if I stand up really straight and I weigh-in at approximately 210 lbs on a good day. I don't overeat, don't eat out a lot- once a week is our "get out of the house and be a couple"- I don't use sugar at all and, though I admit a fondness for caramel and nuts, most of the candy we buy is for my husband,  kanis. If I could convince him, my snack of choice would be beef-jerky. Hard to convince a vegetarian to let me eat dead animal, but I ate those pieces of micro-steak and loved 'em with no guilt about that whatsoever.

True, I could certainly exercise more and I've been doing that- going on bike-rides with my equally out-of-shape hubby that leave me dripping and breathless while he complains that he's not even broken a sweat. Makes me rage that a guy with no muscle-tone that I've been able to find, the guy with the classic computer-geek build, can beat me, the person who used to ride four miles to work every day on a bike. Dammit. We go rock-scrambling/climbing when we go camping, and for walks after dinner.

Now, this isn't an apologia about my weight. I know the fat is not healthy, and that I run the usual risks of diabetes, heart-problems, high-blood-pressure and so on. It's also true that I don't like my shape very much, what a surprise. No, this is about being healthy and having to live in a world that lives in denial: we're obese, as a culture, yet our world is built to cater to the skinny.

Go to a mall if you want to see this in action: most of them only sell clothes up to a size 16... petite. All of the mannequins look creepily underfed and impossibly stretched in height, none of the styles marked as "plus-size" (18 to 24W) ever fit right, nor are they often even attractive. Now, look at the people in this hypothetical mall- I bet they are pudgy, spilling over their pants, waddling along in clothing that barely fits them at all, never mind fitting right, and ask yourself: "If these folks are the norm, why aren't the stores selling stuff they can actually WEAR?"

Good question.

I mean, we see ads on TV, in magazines, on billboards and in the stores themselves and what do they show? People who's appearance is artificially-enhanced with Photoshop or old-school airbrushing, and the models are underweight to begin with. We see a bare 5% of the human population who are "gifted" with this look, and we get inundated with their faces and bodies all trying to sell us on the idea that WE should look like that, too. Seeing this laid bare, so to speak, is it any wonder anorexia and bulimia have become two of the top mental-illnesses among teens, right behind depression?

In so many ways, each of us is being told that we're ugly if we aren't an emaciated, six foot stick with perfect teeth, thick manes of hair and nails hard as well... nails. The clothing I can buy is almost exclusively stretch or baggy men's jeans and big T-shirts. But, if I want to pay more than I should out of my meager budget, I can get clothes by companies like Liz Claiborne or Holy Clothing and get either the uptight office-matron or the Earth-Mother look.. Weee.

My tastes in fashion very much do not reflect the "standard": I like dreamy Renaissance stuff, Gothic/Industrial prettiness, hard-edged cyber-punk, gear-and-goggle-happy Steam-punk and gritty street-punk sorts of clothing. My palette of colours has a lot of black in it, plus some purple, chartreuse, even a little pink. I like textures and patterns: paisley, brocades, velvets and details like bead-work and appliques... Unless you commission it special, you're going to have the same trouble I do: hardly anyone makes this stuff for real people. They prefer to make it for heroin-addicted rock-stars with less than ten percent body fat.

Not even the scene that is this culture's refuge for the unhappy and misunderstood wants us fatties. Well, there's the Furry, cosplay, or sci-fi fandoms- they have no trouble accepting the larger folk among us- it's even a stereotype: if you like sci-fi or anime, you're a geek. If you're a geek, you're probably fat, socially-awkward and living in your parent's basement. Like all stereotypes, it's true for some folks, very much not true for most of the rest.

The Plus Size market, what there is of it, is "saturated" with the kind of clothing a person who wants to disappear might wear. It's social camouflage: beiges, pastels, earth-tones, blah, wishy-washy floral prints. It's wallpaper for the body. Well, what if I want pretty as well as serviceable, well-fitting, durable clothing that someone on a budget can actually afford? I can get serviceable, but well-fitting seems to be impossible, as is comfortable. Durable isn't even on the charts: most mass-manufactured garments have an effective life-time of two years, tops, for anyone, no matter how gentle and careful you are with the item, or three, if you only wear it a few times a month. As for pretty or prices, get a second mortgage if you want a decent wardrobe.

Or, make your own, like I'm currently doing.

Who's heard of the site, "People of Walmart"? More particularly, the "Wal-Martians"? Ever notice, that, while a lot of the photos can be hilarious (I'm not immune to the "point-and-laugh" type of humour, sorry. I AM ashamed of it, if it helps), that the people in the pics tend to be obese? Not just pudgy, like me, not just a little extra fat from too much Holiday feasting, but morbidly, it's-amazing-that-they-can-walk obese. Um, why are we laughing at fat people? When did this become cool enough to have whole web-sites devoted to it?

Ostensibly, the photo blog is meant to poke fun at what they're wearing (believe me, some of the choices these folks have made are enough to make your hair go white). But I notice a common, and distressing, theme: in more than half the cases, the clothes they're wearing would have been fine if they FIT. To me, this suggests that these men and women, if they're buying their clothing at Wallyworld, either don't know the first thing about how to properly size and fit themselves, or they're buying the largest size they can find and simply making that do because they have little choice due to their size and/or budgets. I know Walmart sells some Plus-Size stuff- I've hunted through their racks often enough- most of it is hideously ugly, and the few pieces I've actually liked were still too small or just built too weirdly to be comfortable.

Now, as far as "fat-chicks" go, I'm actually not that big. By the standards the most common clothing manufacturers use, I range from a size 18 to a 20, the middle of the Plus-Size range, even near the bottom with a few companies. Yet, I can't tell you how many times I've gone into a store looking for a pair of pants, say, and, coming across a style I'd love to wear... only to find it doesn't come in my size. I'll ask the staff about it and I'll get the inevitable "oh, we don't carry them over a size 16...", accompanied by that pitying/gloating look I effing despise...

When I do find something that might fit... it does, sort of. By sort of, I mean that I can get into the garment and comfortably close the fly (pants, remember?), but then, I discover two things: the crotch is too high and the waist is too wide. Result? Let's just say that you shouldn't expect to be able to bend over or even sit down without being afraid your pants will end up round your ankles. The same kind of problems crop up in tops and dresses: they all accommodate our hips and bellies, even back-width, but totally forget things like busts and upper arms. Always, and I mean always, the shirt is too tight across my chest, the bust-point is set for perky, skinny-people boobs and arm-holes are either too low, too big, or even too small, making the upper sleeve too tight. The designers seem to believe that we have no waists or curves, either- everything is built on either the A-line or a square.

I'm an hour-glass figure, thank you very much!

It's as if the off-the-rack fashion companies have never dealt with a real body before, instead trying to size-up styles from a 10 into a 20, which never works. It inevitably adds in distortions that end up making a garment nearly unwearable. This could be another reason why A-lines and squares are so "popular" in the Plus-Size world: it's easier to grade the clothing, with fewer distortions, and simpler patterns mean less wasted fabric (smaller, fiddly pieces of well-fit garments actually end up using more material because of the odd shapes. Less wasted fabric is another reason why garment-companies tend to make their wares in smaller sizes, maybe they're gambling that there will be enough customers to buy the lines, despite the demographics that say the population is larger). Instead of actually addressing the distortions at all, they just use the simplest of pattern blocks. Have these people never heard of the "Princess-line"? It's flattering to the most body-types, and it's easy to size with few problems (but, because of the curves, it might be fall into the "fiddly" category).

Anyway, enough about clothes, except for one last thing: I got into fashion-design because of these and other problems and my wardrobe is slowly becoming made up of more and more of my own, unique designs, made by me, for me- now, I'm building a business on it.

You'd think that getting more exercise would make sense, right? That it would help me reduce my middle to where I'd prefer it to be. I like riding my bike, for example. Problem is, no bike (as far as I know) is rated to carry much more than 200 lbs. I ride my bike anyway, even though I'm going through rear inner-tubes like crazy (three in the last three months alone- finally got the heaviest-grade of inner-tube I could find- the sort used by cross-country cyclists for thorn and glass resistance). Forget finding a seat wide enough be comfortable- joy, just what I've always wanted, a super-wedgie from my own bike. As well, I always eventually end up with a seat that tilts downward more and more over time because my m/ass stresses the metal brackets to the point where they bend, leaving me to continuously reposition myself on the seat.

How about those plastic patio chairs everyone seems to have? Rated for a max of... wait for it... 200-250lbs. Folding camp-chairs? 225 lbs. Step-stools? 250-300 lbs- at least I'm safe there. We can't even have cheap furniture we can use! Not to mention airline seats or the "get-narrower-so-they-can-cram-more-people-in-every-time-they-renovate-the-bus-line" seats...

Really, I exercise when I can, even if it isn't often enough: I go for walks, ride my bike, sometimes go camping or even do yoga, hiking, free-climbing (more like rock scrambling, but it apparently counts- it's just not as extreme). I don't eat crappy McD's or other take out more than a few times a year (honestly, McD's never). I'm not overly fond of potato-chips, cookies or candy, but I do like ice-cream. Nope. My sin is that I'm sitting in a chair 10-12 hours a day working on art, sewing or crafting jewelry. It's just not enough exercise to burn off the few calories I actually take in (roughly 1500 to 2000 a day- well within normal range).

But, I'm healthy, my heart is good, my blood-pressure excellent (last time it was tested, it was 106 over 70), I'm not pre-diabetic, my blood-sugar is normal, cholesterol is a bit high, but not threatening (it runs in my family, though), my asthma is well under control, I'm trying to work in more intense exercise, I'm almost entirely vegetarian (I still love meat, I just eat very little of it, now), and...

I'm a fat chick.

The world had better wake up and deal with it, because there are more of us, than there are of you- "you" meaning the skinny artificial people we're telling ourselves to look like.

I'm sure many of you have seen this particular graffito: the phrase "No Fat Chicks" spray-painted on alley walls, bus-shelters, or wherever tags are found. The mockery is the part I can't stomach. Other than Muslims and Hispanics, right now, we are pretty much the only demographic that can be openly mocked with seeming impunity. Frankly, it could be any racial/ethnic/religious/ideological group being set up as scape-goat for the "witch-hunts"- it was blacks, once, then Jews, then Communists, now, it's Muslims... and fat people. Repulsive practice that seriously needs to end. It's "cool" to make fat jokes. Comedians make whole careers out of it (the Frantic's "You People Are Fat" sketch comes to mind). Sit-coms have whole episodes rife with it (Drew Carey and Mimi), or worse, entire series make bank on it (the Biggest Loser or that new sitcom where the whole family is obese and the father is in over-eater's anonymous, or anything with Rosie O'Donnell).

It disgusts me that people who often could stand to lose a few pounds themselves will make the rudest comments behind our backs, without even trying to hide the fact that we can easily hear them. They'll say things like "you've had a few too many... burgers! Naah, the whole cow!" or, "Hey! Jabba the Hutt's in town!", or, in the interests of being "helpful" to us poor, benighted, ignorant fatties "have you thought about a diet or exercise?", to which I usually answer, "why yes, in fact, I have- I like rock-climbing and hiking regularly. Have you thought about some exercise yourself, like exercising your discretion by not being such a jerk and pointing out the bloody fucking obvious?"

It's like they think we don't know how big we are or what we look like Yes, I have a mirror, thank you, and no, it doesn't break when I look at myself in it. I've been wanting to use this line for a while, now: "The blubber only insulates me from the neck down... fat might be clogging my arteries, but not my ears- in other words, I can hear you, you moron!"

For all the "helpful" twits or even the unabashed assholes out there, I want to fix something for you: No Fat-heads" (replacing chicks with head).

Ever notice that guys can have a belly, but, as soon as a woman puts on a few pounds everyone goes batshit? All of the stars I can think of who seem to make as much of a career over their weight as they do their acting/singing/serial-marriages and drug-habits are women (Oprah, Kirstie Ally, Queen Latifah, etc. Though Latifah has been proving to everyone that she's beautiful as well as large- you GO , girl!). Yet, pudgy male actors don't get nearly the same amount of flack (Drew Carey, Wilford Brimly, Lawrence Fishburn, and so on).

Here's a question: if the character Mimi from the Drew Carey Show had been a slim woman with no other changes, yet still keeping the same attitude, personality and "fashion sense", would everyone still like her? She dresses outrageously because, since she isn't conventionally pretty, wearing the sartorial equivalent of a technocolour yawn will have to suffice to get noticed. I doubt anyone would still find her appealing if she'd been thin: she's loud, pushy, obnoxious, and rude- possibly as compensation for a life of loneliness, fat-jokes and empty evenings alone with a tub of cheesecake ice-cream, no doubt. I suspect that the acerbic and bitter comedy Mimi is so good at is the internal compensation for being fat and thus, "unlovely". TV characters are broad, like that- pardon the pun. Take off the fat and leave behind the same Mimi with her eye-searing outfits, cartoonish makeup and "take no shit from stupid people", in-your-face attitude and I can't imagine many folks still liking her...

All of this was in my mind last night at the little reception after the concert, and I couldn't say any of it. I couldn't say what I really wanted to say to the six-foot stick girl: Guilt should never be on the menu, and EAT A DAMNED SANDWICH!

I have some very distant relatives out there- never met them, though, but I feel for them if they were anywhere near the epicentre. Their name is Matsuo, if anyone knows folks in that family, wish them well.

8.9 on the Richter scale. Holy... Supposedly 8000 times stronger than the New Zealand quake that hit two weeks ago (there's was a 6.5). First heard about the tsunamis from my mother- she's in one of the areas affected here in North America, but she's far enough inland that it shouldn't be a problem. She's safe. My brother was in Hong Kong, last I checked- I better find out if he's still there and if he's near enough the coast for me to worry.

UPDATE: No tsunami reported for Hong Kong- too many other poor fucks in the way.

Nuclear reactor with a cooling malfunction is a big scary thing in Japan- the quake damaged some systems, but I think they've gotten that under control and have evacuated a lot of people out. Fires raging through whole districts. Fuck, parts of Miyagi Prefecture look like Hiroshima.

Photos: http://framework.latimes.com/2011/0.....hits-japan/#/0

Aid-centres you can donate to:

http://www.redcross.org/

https://www.internationalmedicalcor......aspx?pid=1967

http://www.globalgiving.org/project.....sunami-relief/

https://app.etapestry.com/hosted/Sh.....ineGiving.html

http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/

There are many others, and I'm sure, with a little digging, you can find ones specifically in Japan. My extended family thanks you all.

If frank discussion of abuse is disturbing to you, especially if you've been where I have and it's still fresh and hurting, I suggest that you do not read this journal, or, if you want to read something, scroll all the way down to the end to read the uplifting bit. See, I really should not read any fiction where a child is raped, but I do, sometimes not knowing what is in the book until I get partway through it, and then, I HAVE TO READ THE WHOLE FUCKING THING... It's like my own personal train-wreck: I just cannot look the fuck away...

"The Colour Purple", I blame you. Sorry, miss Walker, you wrote a touching and strong book, but it's definitely calling up some baaaaad memories... *siigh*

Oh, and this journal? It's hella long. A lot of these questions have answers I'm pretty certain I already know, and are just rhetorical, but if anyone wants to "answer" them, go right ahead. I actually wrote out most of these questions several months ago during one of my periodic bouts of depression and I've been wanting to post them for a while. Walker's book merely gave me an excuse. LOL

1: When I asked you why you did those things to me, you replied, "you were the closest thing at hand." Do those words ever haunt you? They should, and I hope they do.

2: Do your actions to me ever haunt you? They should, because it's disgusting that you went out of your way to hurt a little child.

3: Are you sure you know what love is?

4: Have you ever been told that you are probably a sociopath?

5: I'd ask if you knew what 'guilt' was, but you'd probably be a smartass and point me to a dictionary. So I'll ask instead: Have you ever felt guilt?

6: Do you hate your father for making you live after the accident that nearly killed you as a teen? (his head was nearly severed by a bale of chicken-wire- he now can only speak in a whisper and has a scar running across his throat from side to side. When I discovered that was a "trait" often given to stereotypical villains in bad adventure novels, I laughed my ass off at the coincidence)

7: Are you ever grateful that he died never knowing that you became a child-rapist not even ten years later?

8: How does a supposedly mature, responsible male manage to justify raping an 11 year old girl?

9: What was your thought-process? Because you obviously were able to do it.

10: Did taking me against my will make you feel powerful, like a man?

11: Why was sex so important to you that you couldn't control yourself around a child?

12: Have you raped any other little girls?

13: Have you ever told anyone what you've done?

14: If not, why not? (I'm reasonably certain I know why, but I still wanna hear your "reasons".)

15: Does it bother you that you are a coward and a bully?

16: If you caught someone raping a little girl you found "attractive", would you stop him, or ask to join in, or stop him and fantasize about a grateful little girl giving you what the other rapist was trying to take later?

17: Did you know that when I pissed on you, it was my little revenge? It didn't matter to me that it turned out you liked it.

18: Can you tell me what exactly it was about my 11 year-old, prepubescent body that you found "hot"?

19: I once saw you mention God and the soul. Do you believe that you have a soul?

20: Do you understand that you were an opportunistic paedophile?

21: Something in you must have understood what you did was wrong- after all, you switched from vaginal rape to anal to keep me from getting pregnant. Did you really care about pregnancy, or was it that you just didn't want to get caught?

22: Will you ever take responsibility for what you did in bald, open terms?

23: Would going to prison scare you?

24: You say you aren't afraid of me, but I know different: when I slammed you against the wall and threatened to kill you for what you'd done to me, you were terrified. So, do I still scare you? I hope I do.

25: Do you ever have nightmares? Good.

26: Am I in them? I hope so.

27: What would you do if your girlfriend found out you raped me for five years, until I threatened to kill you if you ever did it again?

28: Have you ever really considered suicide, like you once claimed in a letter to my mother?

29: What stopped you? Pussy.

30: You claimed for years that you didn't believe in an afterlife or in God, yet, recently, you mentioned God and the soul, implying that you have since gotten such a belief. Knowing the weight of your crimes may have possible punishment, what do you really think will happen when you finally kick it?

31: Will you mind if I come and piss on your grave whenever I'm in town? My little farewell present to you, since you liked "water-sports" so much.

32: How fast do you think your family and friends would abandon you if they found out what a totally selfish, self-serving scumbag you were?

33: Will you accept it as your "just desserts" along with the one working lung, diabetes and the psoriasis?

34: I don't believe in God- the existence of people like you ensured that, but I do believe in something like Karma. How does it make you feel to know that I smile whenever I hear about another illness, setback or bad break happening to you?

35: When did you break down so badly as a human being that you'd be OK with stepping over the line from simply being physically abusive (bad enough on it's own) to being a rapist?

36: How can you possibly say "I love you" and "don't tell your mother" in the same breath?

37: How can you possibly say "I love you" to a little girl you'd just raped? Just because I didn't resist you doesn't mean I was willing or that I enjoyed it. You had already made sure to train me not to resist to begin with!

38: What would you feel if I told you that I couldn't have sex like a healthy human being for more than twenty years after? To this day, I can't do certain things without seeing your ugly face.

39: How do you manage to survive the onslaught of my hate? Dammit, if thoughts could kill, you'd have been dead a million times over!

40: Do you know how many times I've plotted your murder?

41: Do you know how many of my relationships fell apart because I couldn't/wouldn't have sex?

42: Do you know, or care, that I blame you?

43: Do you care about anything but what you want?

44: Did you know, of all the things I regret, the biggest one is not finding the stones to report you to CFS?

45: Do you have any fucking idea what being afraid all the time feels like?

46: Did you know that you don't call someone you love a "stupid cunt"? When you called me that, Mum stepped in and chewed you out, one of the only times I remember her ever defending me. I still treasure that moment. Go Mom!

47: What's it like in your fucked up head?

48: Do you find it ironic that you'd beat me for drawing monsters, yet, you were the one who introduced me to them? (he got me into horror comics and really bad, violent horror novels, then beat on me if I drew vampires or werewolves, 'cuz he thought I was "obsessed" with them! Twit)

49: When will you do the decent thing and confess to the world what filth you really are and take the consequences at long last?

50: Knowing how abusive behaviour tends to run in families and that it sometimes drops in severity down the generations, if what you did to me was your idea of fair, what did Grandpa do to you?

51: If your childhood was anything like I suspect, do you know that this would be the only reason I'd pity you?

52: By the way, did you learn your "winning ways with women" from your father?

53: Did you know that your brothers were as fucked up as you were? Lawrence asked me to suck his dick when I was 8, telling me it tasted like honey (I refused) and Jeff was just a bastard who picked on us when we were kids, even dumping a bowl of hot porridge in my little brother's lap. Mom still has a scar under her eye where he punched her and bounced her head off some plywood stacked against the hallway wall.

54: Did grandpa rape Aunt Carol or Aunt Cathy? Maybe that's where you learned that it was OK for daddies to rape their daughters.

55: Do you have any fucking clue how fucked up our whole stupid family was?

56 Are you afraid of dying?

57: Are you afraid of living?

58: Are you afraid of what will happen if you were to own up to what you did?

59: Did you know that I can still remember your smell? Yeasty and cloying, with an undertone of auto-paint.

60: Did you know that memories flood back whenever I smell auto-enamel paint?

61: Why were you such a selfish little prick?

62: Do you know that I coined the term "button boy" to describe the way your penis disappears into your pubic hair, leaving only the tip and the ring of what's left of your foreskin showing? Even your cock is ashamed to be seen in public! It has more of a conscience than you do!

63: Do you know that I find it laughable that you thought you could teach me anything about sex, except how not to do it? You were probably the most self-centred, stuck on himself, unskilled lay I've ever "had". Yes, you suck in bed. Ewww, I went there...

64: What would you do, if I came over and kicked you in the balls, right now?

65: Did you know I used you for money during lean times? I figured that since you treated me like a cheap whore that I should charge you like one. At least then, I'd get something out of it other than a whoppingly huge sense of self-hatred... I calculated that you owed me at least fifty grand over a period of five years...

66: Did you know, that in a perverse way I'm grateful to you? You showed me exactly what to avoid in a man and what warning-signs to look for to avoid being hurt again and prevent myself from getting involved with a possible paedophile.

67: Would it matter for you to know that, despite my wanting to flay the skin from your bones, I'll never actually physically hurt you? I think life is doing a fine job of that already. Hope you're having fun living on one lung, asshole.

68: When you found out a family friend had also been sexually abusing me, you were furious enough to punch me in the belly for it. You didn't do anything to the family friend, you attacked me instead. AND it didn't stop you from raping me, either... Was it a jealousy/territorial thing, ya big ape?

69: Did you know I hated "69"-ing with you? I hate doing that with anyone else, too, thanks to you, you stupid bastard.

70: Did you know that you had the smallest penis of any guy I ever slept with? I still laugh at that. Big man, itty bitty joystick. Typical.

71: What went through your tiny little mind after you read the question about your tiny little penis?

72: How do you feel knowing that every one of my friends, lovers, even enemies, knows what you did?

73: Want me to tell you how many of those friends and lovers have offered to kill you for me? Hint: all of them. Even some of my enemies offered their services.

74: Do you know that I haven't been scared of you since I threatened to kill you that day in my hallway?

75: And that I consider that day a pivotal moment in my healing?

76: How can you love someone you have no respect for? By saying that I "was the closest thing at hand" you pretty much told me everything I needed to know: women are holes for god-like you to stick his dick into.

77: Does it bother you to know that I'LL NEVER, EVER, EVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU FOR CALLING ME A THING?

78: No matter how much you whine, beg, or plead?

79: What would you do if I posted this where all your friends and family could see?

80: What do you think they'd do, or say?

81: Did you know that the very idea of sex, with anyone, often made me feel physically ill?

82: Do you know that I think your pasty white skin, bizarre beard, funky scent and piggish nose make you seem like a parody of a human being? In other words, you're a fucking joke to me.

83: What went through your mind every time you made me cry? *glares*

84: Or when I gagged and barfed in your lap after you made me swallow?

85: Did you know that I can't give a blow-job without gagging and seeing/smelling you? This was one of the things that killed a few of my relationships, as mentioned before. Yeah, men are fucking pigs, to drop me because I wouldn't suck them off.

86: Did you know, or even care, that I had to fight to keep from cringing any time you touched me in public?

87: Did you realize that I pretended to be asleep when you came to my room at night? I didn't sleep much at night- I spent five years on less than four hours of sleep a night to avoid you. Imagine my disgust when you tried to have sex with me anyway. As if I needed any more proof that my body was just a convenience for you... Scumbag.

88: What went through your mind when I told you I would kill you if you ever touched me again?

89: How scared were you when I finally told mom what you'd been doing?

90: Do scared, bruised, crying little girls turn you on?

91: Did you know that I "divorced" myself from the human race because I kept meeting people like you? I "re-married"- me and the human race are happier, now. I realized that I should have divorced you and anyone like you from humanity, not myself.

92: Why is it not a surprise that I gag at the smell of cum?

93: Why did I feel guilty just for existing when it was you who committed the crime? I remember the bruises, cuts, the lumps on my scalp from being hung by my hair...

94: Were you ever sexually abused?

95: If you were, how could you ever put anyone else through that?

96: If you were not, how could you possibly be so lacking in compassion as to do that to me?

97: Have you ever felt sympathy for another being in pain?

98: Why wouldn't it surprise me to find out you haven't?

99: What is it like to be so disconnected from anything human?

100: And last, but not least: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?

Now people might have an idea as to just how much, and why, I despise incest and cub-yiff "fetishes", and why I have real trouble seeing anyone who gets off on stuff like that as anything but the kind of fucked up you can only fix with a knife to the throat. I'm not normally a violent person, despite all the talk of doing violent acts- it's just that things like this fill me with such rage, that it's hard for me to think straight. I've actually had visions of myself going to prison one day for beating to death anyone I caught raping a child (or anyone, for that matter)... I like to think that my answer to the question "what are you in for" would be guaranteed to make even the hardest of criminals back up.

Anyone who has gone through this or worse, I am so sorry for your pain. Know that someone else understands, doesn't judge you or think you're weak, or worthless or small for not being able to fight them off. You were a child- you were an easy target. It was NEVER your fault. Please don't tell yourself that it was. You've survived this long- that means you're STRONGER THAN YOU THINK. Keep fighting, know that it ends if you allow it to. YOU can make it stop, both the abuse and the memories it leaves behind. The memories are nothing more than the ghost of the one who hurt you, trying to keep a hold on you- cut yourself free. Know that you will eventually meet someone who knows that real love doesn't exploit, doesn't rape, doesn't confuse fear with respect, doesn't beat on you, or drive your friends away or keep you from seeing them, or tell lies about you, or keep you imprisoned, isn't jealous, isn't controlling and isn't demanding that you be less than him/her at all times.

Love is trust. Love is sharing that trust. Love is beautiful. Love is finding beauty, even in a mud-hole. Love is compassion and sympathy. Love is truth. Love is being able to kiss when you awaken, despite morning-breath that could kill a Tauntaun. Love is being able let go when things don't work out. Love is being willing to be vulnerable- trust again. Love is knowing that s/he will be there when you need them. Love is fun. Love has no fear. Love gives you power. Love can change your world into something better. Love sees age as beauty, no matter how run down you may actually look. Love destroys an abusers' power. Love can say "I'm sorry" and mean it. Love grows, even in the darkest places. Love is a painkiller. Love can end, but the memories it leaves behind are always treasured. Love is what saves your soul, not god.

Love is meeting another soul and being able to say "I understand".

I just saw this on the news this morning: http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/kt.....,2760912.story

The report was... lacking, especially lacking in giving reasons as to WHY the fish died by the HOLYFUCKINGMILLIONS.

One of the people spoken to in the TV report (the one I saw this morning- I just link to the text version of the same station) looked like he was going to get into oceanic "dead-zones" caused by dying algae blooms sucking up the oxygen in the water (which are caused, in turn by the crap WE dump into the ocean), but the news-byte, only having a minute give the story, cut him off (edited out the remainder of his explanation).

*SIIIGH*

Climate Change, people, hello...

Die-offs like this have been happening for thousands of years (raining frogs, for example), BUT, and this is a big but, not so often in one year- at least, I don't think I've heard of this many sudden die-off events happening in just one year.

Ok, in the oceans, it's dead and decaying algae-blooms causing oxygen-depleted "dead-zones", in the air, it's shifting wind-currents (yes, wind has set currents, and can be mapped, just like oceans, the Jet Stream is the most well-known<-- it's shifted/ing position, by the way) that can drag a flock of birds too high to breathe or to where the temps drop, freezing them or putting them in the way of a freak hail-storm, resulting in thousands of dead birds, like what happened here, early this year: http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelo.....ratching-heads

Ignore the microcephalic-generated statement at the very beginning- the writer was taking a tragic event and trying to be funny, the twit.

Folks, this is going to happen more often, the "news" programs will treat it lightly (while highlighting horrific crimes or events elsewhere to keep up the fear-quotient), people will spout idiotic nonsense like, "it's a sign of the End Times!" or some other Apocalyptic bullshittery. In the comments-sections, I see the religious nutters crawling out of the woodwork whenever one of these things happens, one or two people who actually seem to GET what it REALLY is, and the rest leaving un-related, irrelevant or flippant dribblings of their equally irrelevant minds.

Ugh, I wanna curl up and fucking hide from this shit like the rest of you out there, pretend we aren't killing our planet, pretend that we aren't willfully ignoring it's pain out there in favour of paying attention to what fools like Charlie Sheen have to say, and pretend that I don't feel fucking guilty that we, as a species, refuse to take responsibility for our ignorance.

Because it's not that we did this deliberately as part of some super-villain plan- no, it's that we keep trying to improve our lives, make sure everyone doesn't go hungry, to ensure that we can have fun and so on. But, because we just do not fucking understand how everything really works, we fuck it up in one small place, learn a bit more and fix that problem, only to discover that we still didn't understand the program fully, fix another problem while a half-dozen more reveal themselves later, until we think we've finally hit the point where we find the lynch-pin, the thing that holds it all together, and in our fine and wonderful arrogant ignorance, think we've finally GOT IT, that we can now manipulate the new discovery... only to find, a few years later, that it's set up a domino-effect of damage that's killed a species off here, deeply hurt another there, killing or poisoning the all-important food-source of another elsewhere, taking out the foundations of our own food-supply and resources, one by one by one by fucking one.

Frogs, by the millions, bees (which are bouncing back apparently) also by the millions (caused by nicotinides in pesticides), fish, birds, White-nose Syndrome (a fungus with no cure in sight, so far) in bats has destroyed millions of bats, including bring threatened species to Near Extinction levels, butterflies were the first to start going away... Millions, not just thousands, but whole, genetically-diverse populations are being killed. This not only threatens the full genetic-diversity of the species, it may bring their numbers too low for sustainability. I repeat this word: MILLIONS. These are small, seemingly insignificant species, but we're finding that because of how sensitive they are, we've come to think of them as "canaries in a coal mine" species- when one goes, it points to a problem of a subtle nature, but something we should repair...



Why won't people accept that Climate Change is a real problem, one that our waste has caused or at the very least exacerbated? Why can't folks accept that the richest countries need to change their habits (the instant-everything, the bigger-the-better-and-fuck-everyone-else mindset) to set an example for the rest of the world? Why can't we accept that we need to slow down our population-growth? The two highest-population nations already are, through legislation, sex-education, contraceptive distribution and even forced sterilization. China and India both understand HOW FUCKING SERIOUS THIS IS, why can't WE?

I'm fully expecting to have this journal either pretty much ignored, or to have to weed through responses ranging through the territories I've already described, but please, if you happen to believe in things like the Rapture, chemtrails, Annunaki Reptilians, or 2012, keep it respectful and realize that not all of us appreciate trying to be converted.

Info on oceanic oxygen-depleted dead-zones (note that there are several that are entirely natural and have been there for thousands of years, but the number of dead-zones is increasing, especially near major coastline cities):

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_z....._%28ecology%29
http://disc.sci.gsfc.nasa.gov/ocean.....ad_zones.shtml
http://www.scientificamerican.com/a.....d-zones-spread

Magnetic pole shifts (not something I believe humans can affect, but still interesting in how it might affect life-forms)

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/cl.....-signal-pole-r
http://www.nasa.gov/vision/earth/lo.....eticfield.html

Shifting wind-currents (specifically the possibly human-caused Climate Change alteration of the Jet-Stream system, a phenomenon that has been known about for some time and pegged as one of the forces behind possible desertification):

http://www.sciencentral.com/article.....e_id=218393120
http://www.usatoday.com/weather/cli.....-tropics_x.htm
http://www.sciencedaily.com/release.....0416153558.htm

Yeah, this stuff gets to me like nothing else. Threats of destruction from the magical sky-daddy will never grab my intellect's grasp of my emotions like scientifically-tested events... Yeep.

I've been getting comments that my front page is too effing long and stretched out. I agree, but hadn't seen any other choice but to do so. I kinda feel that putting it in a journal will guarantee that it'll get missed, but I'll do it, anyway, sticking a link on my front page so folks can get this information when they need it. I had put commission info on the front page, hoping people would see it... Not hardly! Seems they only see the length of time it takes to get to my shouts. Well, FINE, be that way. *chuckles* Until FA gets through their re-design difficulties and this latest DDoS attack (c'mon, you shiftless fucktards, leave this site ALONE!  dragoneer might make some less-than-ethical decisions, but I still gotta give him and the site-coders kudos for keeping this beast going through all this garbage), and maybe, just maybe does something about re-building that commissions-info tab, I'll just have to put any information regarding that in this journal.

WHAT I CHARGE, AND WHY:

I factor in these important things:

-how long does it take me to make? I try to ask at least minimum wage for my work-time. If it's getting to the point where even I think the price is getting outrageous (believe me, that point is lower than you'd think- I'm not out to get rich, just make a living), I'll cut it off at a reasonable level, no matter how long it's taking me.

-how much do materials cost? Obviously, materials for a fursuit or a king-sized plush will be some serious $$...

BUT, PRICES DROP IF THE CUSTOMER PROVIDES MATERIALS- WITHIN REASON.

In other words, if you have the fabric that you'd think would be perfect for your creation, send it my way. I'll look it over and see what I can do with it- if it's stretchy, I'll have to bond it to a non-stretch fabric so it will keep it's shape. If it's thin, again, I'll sew it in with another material to strengthen the final piece. If it's just junk quality, I'll use it to match colour and pattern, if I can, but I probably won't use it in the final project, except as accent (no structural use where strength is a factor).

If it's material you think I could use for something, but not for your project, I do have some recommendations: it must be clean, free of major damage (irregular cuts are fine, as long as there is enough to make something out of it- two yards, minimum), free of cigarette smoke residue or molds (asthma and allergies- if I can't breathe around the fabric, then I can't use it), and free of things like roaches, bed-bugs or other vermin. NO MOTHBALLS- merthiolate and mercaptan make me ILL. Vintage material is fine, as long as you remember these guidelines. In other words, don't just give me some random shit that's been lying around your granny's closet for years, unless you honestly think I might be able to use it- tell me (or better yet, SHOW me with good, clear, well-lit photos: a phone will do, as long as you use it right) what it is, what it's made of (if you know) and so on. If you have silverfish or moths in your house, I won't take the materials, sorry.

Other materials I'm always on the hunt for: new (or nearly new) tubes of acrylic paint or new Prisma or Copic markers, silver bali spacer beads, silver wire (18 and 20 gauge) and silver nailhead wires (used for making earrings and pendants- they're up to three inches long, with a ball or other decorative bit on one end): they will be factored into the final cost, up to a maximum of 20%, 'cuz those are things I use a LOT of, and I KNOW how much they cost.

For example,  reese gave me all of the fur he needed for his fursuit- all I had to provide was foam, glue, teeth, markings and labour- I knocked off $300 from his total cost for his full suit because of it. So, no worries, I will be fair in the discount- even better if you can show me an itemized receipt for the items (such as when you bought pens or paint, or the fur for your project)- that is how much I'll discount from the total. It will bring the final cost down- making a customer effectively pay twice for their fur is crap- I just won't do that to you.

-frustration/creative-factor. Being a self-taught artist, I tend to "re-invent the wheel" a fair bit- this is getting to be less and less of an issue, however. But my creative time IS worth something, so I factor this in. This includes concept-sketches, re-dos if something borks up (I still make mistakes- I live with that, AND fix them), planning-time, and making patterns.

CUSTOMER PAYS SHIPPING! It's a pretty standard practice that the customer pays for the shipping and handling, and shipping is eating large holes into the small profits I make when I pay it out of my own pocket. Sorry, folks, I'm trying to do this as an actual living. I use the U.S.P.S rates, weigh everything and do my best to only charge what each piece actually costs to send out.

A ROUGH SCALE OF PRICES (NOTE THAT TRADITIONAL PIECES WILL BE A BIT MORE IN COST- I HAVE TO REPLACE THOSE MATERIALS):

SKETCHES AND CONCEPT ART:

-sketch in pencil or digital concept sketch (sometimes, these get colour, too): $45. I send you either the pencil sketch or a PSD file, if it's digital (with all of the layers intact, if you want them- these are memory-hogs, though. A common file size for my art in this format is over 30 Mb in some cases) or the highest-res JPEG file. I work in large sizes at 300 dpi, minimum.

- fully-detailed sketch, traditional or digital: $55. You get the original sketch mailed to you or a high-res PSD or JPEG file.

ICONS:

$15: I do a lot of these in digital, so you'll get a high-res file, plus the shrunken image to use as an icon. When I learn how to do animated icons, I'll post prices for those here.

Traditional art that could be used either as an icon or a badge (these will be fairly simple): $20

FULL PAINTINGS:

-digital, one character, no background or simple background: $90-$100. This is purely for the time spent in drawing it.

-traditional, one character, no background: $100-$120. Time and materials.

-digital, multiple characters with simple background, or one character with full background: $100-$150 Backgrounds take time.

-traditional, one character with full background, or multiple characters with simple background: $150- $200

-traditional, anything really involved, like full background, multiple characters and architecture, will take a lot of time to do, so $250 for something big. I WILL ruin pieces in doing this, and will have to do a lot of development and concept sketches- so materials are definitely a factor.

-digital, multiple characters, full background, crazy amounts of detail: $200. Again, you're paying for just my time and creative effort, here.

BADGEHS, WE DON' NEED NO STEENKIN' BADGEHS: These tend to be traditional art and laminated, with a hole punched for a lanyard. I have a good supplier for lanyards and my own laminator- those are part of the price you pay.

- one character, full colour: $30

- two characters (or two matching badges for close friends or lovers), full colour: $45-55.

- one character, just line-art: $20 Wee! Colour your own! If you want to colour your own, I'll send it out to you un-laminated. You'll still get a lanyard to hang it on, though- just get your finished badge laminated at a place like Kinko's. I suggest getting the highest thickness they have available for your badge to be nice and durable.

- two characters, just line-art: $25

FURSUIT STUFF: Please understand that I'm new at this and that I've only made a bunch of tails, three heads, a pair of hooves and one full-suit so far (that's the third head, as well). >^__^<  reese is my first full suit- and he's gotten some good reviews on it's design and workmanship!

Regarding returns: I'm always trying to improve my work, so if you do get something that isn't quite up to snuff, just send it back with a list of what you'd like fixed, and I'll do my best to make it just the way YOU want it. The only charge will be for any extra materials I might have to get and shipping it back to you. Keep in touch, too- I love hearing about where you've worn your piece, what you've done with it, how well it's holding up. It's data like that, that can help my skills improve!

-partials- 1/2 set: feet, hand-paws and tail, SIMPLE colour-scheme and design: $170 flat (that's $40 for the tail, and $65 each for the feet and hand-paws).

-partials- 1/2 set: COMPLICATED or painted/airbrushed colour-scheme or design: $240 (time to deal with "fiddly bitz", mostly, and checking with you to be sure I have everything how you want it. It breaks down to $70 for the tail and $85 each for the hand-paws and feet).

-partials- full set (hand and feet-paws, tail, head), SIMPLE colours or design: $470 If you just want hand-paws, tail and head, then it will be around $390- that way, you still get a "full-looking" character, but at a more affordable price. Breakdown: head: $300, tail- $40 and $65 each for the hands and feet.

-partials- full set, COMPLICATED design, painting, etc: $500-$650

-hand-paws or feet, SIMPLE colours or design: $65

-hand-paws or feet, COMPLICATED colours or design (stripes, or patches of colour, sculpted toes, airbrushed/painted, armour, hooves, etc): $70-$85

-hand-paws or feet with full sleeves attached to them, SIMPLE patterns: $100-$120

-hand-paws or feet, full sleeves attached, COMPLICATED (sewn-in stripes, airbrushed/painted colours, hooves): $150-$250 (might be more for unusual material-requests, or hard-to-find stuff)

-just the sleeves or leggings made to match existing paws: $35 That's mostly for the fur- they're dead-simple to make if the pattern doesn't have complicated details, like stripes or "tattoos". Add $20 for the complicated or painted patterns. Tip: if you have ANY samples of the fur you'll need, PLEASE, SEND IT TO ME. It makes matching furs and colour SO much easier.

-heads: $300-$380 for a SIMPLE colour-scheme and design. Foam is costly stuff, darnit.

-heads: COMPLICATED or airbrushed/painted colour-scheme or design $400-$500. (details like horns, frills, odd patterns and so on are fiddly, sometimes delicate, and take longer to make)

-just tails: SIMPLE colours or design- $35-$45

-just tails: COMPLICATED colours or design (horns, spikes, "jewelry" and so on)- $55-$75

-full-suits: SIMPLE colours or design- $1500

-full-suits: COMPLICATED colours or design (spikes, swirls in the fur and so on)- $2000

If you want "adult" features, like sheaths and "bawlz", special covers for SPH's and so on are $50 extra- I have to do some modifications to the individual patterns to make them work. I know most folks won't want this sort of thing, but, to me, it's a legit request (kink/fetish is part of some people's lives, deal with it)- I'm not much of a prude. <3

REMEMBER: if you've provided materials, like all of the fabric- YOU'VE PAID THAT COST. Roughly 15% to 20% of the cost of a project is materials, so I'll take that off the final price, (customer covers shipping to send materials to me, though, sorry).

PLUSHIES! <3 <3 <3

I range from two foot plushes, to eight foot long monsters of whichever character. I do ask that, please, try to stay away from copyright-infringements- but I'm not adverse to doing a modified copyrighted character, if there are enough individual changes to it.

-two foot plush: $140-$200, depending on detail.

-four foot plush: $200-$300, depending on detail.

-six to eight foot beasties: $300 and up (maxes out at $500, though). This is a lot of fabric and polyfill that I'll need to replace, and they take quite a while to draft the individual pattern and sew.

"Special" plushies: I know some folks like "toy" plushes of an adult nature. I have no problems making them, either. It's just a bit more involved in the construction, making sure the fabrics in the relevant places are body and lube-safe and can be easily cleaned. I also add in a "cover" so the plush can be displayed without modifications being visible. +$30



I'm also one of those artists that's willing to attempt drawing nearly anything except for a very few things, which I will list here:

DISGUSTING TO ME AND DO NOT WANT- WILL NEVER DRAW THIS:

-sexual Loli or Shota (underage-appearing female and male characters)- I WILL draw youthful characters, just not in sexual situations. Period. NO EXCEPTIONS.
-Sexual cub art: come to me hoping I'll do cub-porn for you and you'll experience life as human origami.
-rape scenes: I've BEEN raped, and I just caNOT understand how anyone can find this tittilating
-scat *shudders* WHYYYY?
-overly gory things, sometimes called "Guro" (I don't hate blood or death, but some stuff is just TOO extreme, man, and sexualized gore is a bit too bizarre for my tastes)
-bestiality: no humans or anthros on whatever 'natural' animal- anthro this and that with EACH OTHER doesn't count- I'll draw those. And, if you're fucking stupid enough to send me "sexual" pix of your dog or horse, asking me to use that as a reference for a sexual piece, I might have to debate the possibility of sending your address to the relevant authorities, along with the photos. DON'T DO IT, PERIOD.
-sexualized violence against anyone (male OR female), ESPECIALLY against children. Unless it's an adult involved in a battle-scene, or there's a DAMNED GOOD storyline about it, I will NOT draw it! I reserve the right of decision on whether or not it's a "damned good" storyline. I'm a writer, too, and I understand that "bad stuff" happens to characters as part of their "lives", but if it just seems gratuitous, I'll turn ya down, flat.

Anyone requesting any of the above will probably be blocked if they are persistently annoying about it. A single request might get a 'Huh? Someone didn't read my page' but no other reaction. I'll certainly talk about it, but I'll likely still turn down your desire, sorry. In other words, I won't hate you if you like some of this stuff, but I might not want to have much to do with ya. Ok, I'll hate on the sexual cubby and violence guys- anyone who could sexualize a cub or think violence against one is hot is a skanky creep I WILL shank if given a chance. Folks into rape-fantasies make me twitch, but I might still discuss it.

The following I WILL draw, and happily:

- pretty much anything else.

And finally, if you want me to draw something, but aren't sure if I'll do it, ASK! :)

I lol at these silly things... even while I do them. Heh. I realized that my last three journals have been about peeps who died, so let's have something a little more light-hearted, shall we?

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Nude all da way, honey. I HATE wearing clothes while I sleep- they bunch and bind. Bleah.

2. Do you sleep with socks on?
Only when I'm camping and it's frickin' COLD.

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
No preference, but I'd miss my husband if he wasn't in bed with me.

4. Do you enjoy drama?
Fuck ya- it's fucking HILARIOUS... when it isn't seriously pissing me off.

5. Are you a girly-girl?
I have a Mohawk, piercings in hard-core places and I punch walls when I'm peeved- what do YOU think?

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
*snooglieez*

7. Small or large purse?
Uh, I have a coffin-shaped back-pack purse thing... And I'm making a big-ass leather SteamPunk satchel to carry my sketchpad ans pens...

8. Are you short?
I play with people's belly-buttons while wearing four-inch platforms... (look for that in an upcoming F*random's Brain comic!)

9. Do you like somebody?
The world is a bleak little hole of humanity where we seem to be willfully wiping each other out over silly points like what imaginary sky-fathers you worship. Nah, of COURSE I LIKE SOMEBODY! Whot a stoopid question... Yeesh.

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
LOL Anyone who'd do that is either fucking twelve or seriously retarded.

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Nope, as long as they don't smell, stand up by themselves or try to get equal rights, I'm good..

12. Do you think you’re conceited?
How can I be conceited when the fact that I'm awesome is self-evident, like gravity?
Ok, I can also use that analogy to say I suck, too. I waver between the two. My friends, this is living with Bi-polar. LOL Seriously? I'm more likely to commit seppuku with a rusty, dull spoon than I am to act like Charlie Sheen.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?
Hell yeah! My favourite holiday!

14. Are you double jointed?
I used to be, then I got old and creaky.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
In a redwood tree in the British Columbia woods or a graveyard- I can't decide which is stranger.

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?
Yup.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?
I haven't the foggiest. Hey! Tell me some of 'em, if there are any? They're usually really, really silly.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?
Yes. I know waaay too many Chris', Johns, and Daves: it's kind of a survival mechanism.

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"?
Got no idear, mate. They prolly wouldn't give a flying fart about a journal with that title.

[X] I do wear make up.
[x] I have cried in a movie theater.
[X] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth. (n/a I NEVER wear mascara)
[ ] I get jealous. (nope- it's the delusion of ownership, in my opinion, and a waste of energy.)
[X] I think Johnny Depp is sexy. (Who doesn't!!)
[X] JUDE LAW FAG (I like him)
[x] I love to laugh.
[X] I like death/grind/black metal.
[X] I like rap. (Sheaffer The Dark Lord, Ice T, Will SMith, and Attilla The StockBroker)
[x] I like techno.
[X] I like country. (Johnny Cash was awesome... I miss him.)
[ ] I carry a purse.
[x] I'd be lost without my computer.
[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I own a boy band CD.
[x] I get bored watching football.
[X] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[ ] Guys are confusing. (nope- they're pretty easy to figure out. Just takes paying attention and poking them in the wiener, once in a while)
[X] I've been called a bad influence
[X] I have/had a piercing other than my ears. (I haz several)


Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?
I'm "commando" at the moment.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
Dunno- I go more for brains than bodies, really.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?
A little, but I'm not married to him, so it doesn't matter much.

4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Treat me like an equal.

5. Do you have a best friend?
Yup.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yup.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
Yup, but not for what you might think.

8. Do you like your life?
Currently? It fuckin' rawx.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you?
Since that stuff tends to happen in high-school, that would imply that I not only had a boyfriend, but that I'd also have friends who'd want to take him from me. Who wrote this fucking thing, anyway? You thirteen, or what?

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
What do you do when you don't have a bathing-suit and you don't want to offend or terrify the grannies? *SPLASH*

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?
Males. Not sure why, but I find most women fucking ANNOYING.

13. How long have you had a facebook?
Couple of years.

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
Nope- I punched him, kicked him in the jimmies, slammed him into a wall and bit him. But slap? Naaah.

15. What are your biggest fears?
Having people believe I'm stupid or worthless and having no way to prove them wrong.

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Yes.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yes.

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Yes, but it's not something that matters to me a whole lot, at least, not in the way most folks might expect, anyway. If my mate wanted to play with another person sexually, I want to know about it, and make sure that he's not gonna bring home any nasty illnesses. I want the same courtesy, as well. To me, it's cheating when you hide shit from your mate- then, it becomes a situation where I dump them, hard, 'cuz he just proved that he can't be trusted.

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?
YUP.

20. Do you ever wish you were famous?
On occasion, but then my rational mind gets in there and shows me all the garbage famous people have to put up with as the price of their fame. No thanks.

21. Are you currently missing someone?
Hmmm... Johnny Cash? Maybe my pal, Sasquatch, back in Winnipeg, and Belly-dancing Faery...

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:

Cowboy or Gangster?
Cowboy - they have better style, better manners and they have a rough sense of honour I rather like.

Preppy or Punk?
Punk- they're more fun, prettier, more creative, and less stuck on themselves.

Face or Body?
Neither- gimme Braaaaiiinsss

Good cook or take you out a lot?
Cook, dammit- sharing recipes is fun! But, so is going out- if yer a cheapskate hiding under a chef's hat, I'll pick up on that and say goodbye.

Sweet or sexy?
Sweet IS sexy. What?

Armani or Abercrombie?
Could care less, myself- their "styles" are both boring as fuck, in my opinion. There's only so much tweed/khaki- "I'm SO much better than you because I can afford these colourless, dull threads and you can't" I can handle in a wardrobe.

Contacts or glasses?
Either. Contacts, 'cuz they're fun (wolf-eyes and cat-slit ones are cool), and I can't wear my glasses in the ocean when I go swimming. And glasses, 'cuz there's some many rocking styles to choose from.

Thar ya go, matey!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merlin_Stone Read the first line. Merlin Stone, author of "When God Was A Woman" passed away on Friday. If you're a Pagan, a feminist, or even just someone who likes a good reading of an anthropology book now and then, her work inspired many to find a different, maybe better, way of looking at humanity. Rest In Peace, Merlin, your writing was an inspiration to me, too.

*siiigh* I don't know if anyone has seen this news-report- from this or any other station- as it's mostly a story "local" to my area (Los Angeles: Orange County and Santa Monica). But, it does have an international interest, as the Somali pirates have been rather busy, of late... http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/kt.....,4704165.story

Their little yacht was taken a few days ago (Friday), rescue ships were sent to try and retrieve them, negotiations had been opened with the pirates, but shots were heard on board the yacht and when officials boarded, they found all four crew-members dead.

So my mum-in-law is in emotional shock right now: she knew the Adams' and went to church with them. Admittedly, the Adams' weren't there very often, since they'd started their "cruise" in 2004...

A small, selfish note on my part: three years ago, I never would have believed that I'd have any kind of a connection to something like this, but there you go. I didn't know the family, but knowing a very nice lady is grieving for them has me in great sympathy.

The cynical part of me- going on the sketchy details of this- feels that the Adams did something incredibly stupid. They had originally been part of a small flotilla (travelers have been moving in larger groups in hopes that pirates wouldn't be willing to take the risks in attacking them), which was sensible. But, a few days before the hi-jacking, they'd pulled away from the little fleet and went off by themselves! Fucking suicidal, in my opinion (yeah, hindsight, shaddap).

Worse, out of very strong convictions in their faith, they were carrying Bibles on board to give away to schools and churches along their itinerary. That's not really all that bad in itself, I just think it's a silly thing to do: risking one's life to pass out bullshit stories of an invisible sky-father? My views that feeding people misinformation is a crime (Bibles) aside, these poor, gentle, innocent gits probably tried to preach at the pirates or give them a Bible... It's more likely that the pirates shot them because they were too close to being captured, and they didn't want to be identified, so they removed the possibility. But, the cynical part of me sees "they preached, they got shot". The complete asshole part of me sees this: by the tenets of the Christian faith, they could be considered martyrs, because they died in the course of trying to spread their religion...

Anyway, they knew they were going through very dangerous waters. They knew pirates were in the area and had been taking smaller vessels lately. They knew that going off by themselves was probably the stupidest thing they could do... But, they did it anyway. Why? Out of cockiness? Out of the belief that their faith would protect them? Out of the belief that they were blessed by their god and so it couldn't possibly happen to them? Simply forgetting what kind of place they were in? I don't know, but it all adds up to this: they did a stupid thing, for whatever reason, and it got them and their two friends killed.

I'm probably gonna get flack for this opinion, but to me, this is just another example of the intellectual atrophy "faith" causes in people's minds.

Honestly, I'm barely even thinking of that. Four friends of my family, doing something they thought worthwhile and good, were murdered this weekend and that sucks.

...it's author, Brian Jacques, passed away this weekend. I'm only familiar with the series, but haven't read them yet- always meant to find them... I've seen a lot of Furs who mention his works- along with tales like Watership down (by Richard Adams)- as being an influence on their Furry leanings.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-englan.....yside-12380763

Discuss.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL!



Sorry, ordinarily, I'd go to each person's page and thank them personally, but there were over 170 faves- I just can't go and thank them all individually- I'd be here all day! O____o

I've been meaning to update this:

The commission queue is as follows:

 kilroy- paid in full- eight-foot plush of a pal of his- pattern made and pieces cut out- I'm about a third of the way through sewing this fellow- sorry I'm taking so stupid long, man- FYI: the face came out fuggin' PERFECT. I keep promising progress-pix- *fail* I'll find them- I know I took some!
NOTE: please, please, to everyone, do not ask me to bump you up a slot until AFTER Kilroy's piece is done. The poor guy has waited over a year. His is next, PERIOD. I'm not gonna be taking on any rush-jobs until after his plush is finished.


 robbob4- Fully paid- repairs and modification to Big Red. I'll be using the new pattern for his head (I'm gonna rebuild it), because the pattern I made for Kilroy's looks awesome.

 trozok21- paid up- tail commish to be finished after Further Confusion. Keeping out the "blue ghost" silver scaly vinyl for his tail and possibly a pair of paws.

 dranslin- partially paid, four foot plush of his friend  darkvyce

 thorphax- partially paid- two feet of cuteness.

 talakestreal- partially paid- tail commish idea. She's got such a cool character, and the tail looks like it would be a blast to make.


As plushes can take a while, I'm now closed for doing plush commissions until this batch is sewn up and shipped! I'll reopen right after these ones are done! I'm not gonna give an estimated time, since all my previous estimates have been flat out wrong. Ugh.

If anyone is really wanting a plush, or suit partials- let me know, and I can put you on my waiting-list.

Waiting-list for plushes:

 kilroy- a fire-lizard plush of his cute self.

 reese- a large tiger plush.

 demonlordookami- wants a pair of wolf plushes.


Waiting-list for partials:

 dustythemare- wants a pair of hooves after seeing the WIP for  rebelnine

 scarlitt a pretty striped tail of her dragon.

 anyadserval suit partial of her pretty Turkish Van Cat (handpaws, feet and head)

 chargirl5000- a pair of dragon tails, one western, one eastern.


Waiting-list for Steampunk goggles: (note: got in a shipment of five pairs that I can modify! If the guy is still around when I have a bit more cash, I'll get more off of him- he found dozens of pairs in an old Steel mill)

 rheiga "his and hers" custom goggles.

Mooncini, a friend of  cyberhorn_the_dragon wants a pair of custom goggles.



Welp, I think that's everyone! If it isn't, please let me know and I'll update this again. I'll eventually give out a journal on how my experience at FC was as a first-time Dealer's Den-izen. Hint: I had a blast.