So I have finally decided to do it - to laser my eyes. Less than month left until surgery. I have wanted to do it for a long time, but have constantly postponed it, mainly because it is hard to find time due to work.
But I guess the technology has been improving constantly over that time. Then I can finally wear the new fursuit properly too, especially outside, as I can't fit glasses in it and I don't tolerate contacts.

Having a tonsil surgery tomorrow morning, so wish me luck and lets hope that the recovery period is not too painful, lol

Mustangspark - now again one year older stallion. How comes the time flows so quickly?

I am back where I was months ago. Trapped, struggling, yearning, attacked by extra long pieces of work to make sure I won't be able to travel anywhere (not that anyone says "thanks" after I finish another work, only endless whining over trivial things).

There were lots of bright and promising moments during last months, I thought it means the long-needed change - but was it all one big illusion I made for myself?

Recently I went through my YIM list, looking all those names I never see logging in any more, yet remembering how much I used to talk with those people years ago.

I sent a message to all those names and was able to renew some contacts while many remained silent. Some accounts were disabled and discontinued at all.

Some people I don't remember who they were or under what circumstances we met. But there are some I remember as good chat friends. I would really like to renew those contacts, at least to hear they are alright and doing well.

If anyone has information about YIM name:

firefoxyiff

can you please let me know?

Just randomly thinking about the Susan Boyle story. A random unemployed 47 years old lady entering the Britain's Got Talent show. People laughing at her, the judges being skeptical, all these looks and whispering... And then she opens her mouth... and sings herself world famous.

Watch this moving clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

So here I am thinking - how many other unknown talents are out there among common people, perhaps afraid to come out, perhaps not having possibilities to come out. What a waste it seems that so many potential talents can't fulfil their dreams.

And what I learned from it - it is never too late to try to fulfil your dreams.

Was I really thinking that at the age of 31 it is too late for me to try certain things?

Friends are a value. If you have them, keep them.

Meeting other Estonian furs and talking to them, combined with warm words from my friends abroad, has greatly improved my mood. I step into the future with courage now.

Thank you, everyfur!

During last days I have found three other Estonian furries which is amazing. I thought I am alone here. Perhaps in the future we can even go to some furry events abroad and I am seriously starting to think about getting a fursuit.

What plans/wishes I have then by now?

1. Visit US furries and perhaps see some furry event there.
2. Visit some European furry event someday.
3. Getting a fursuit.
4. Changing who I am - I need to go out more and improve my health a bit.
5. Getting a loving and understanding mate. Soulmate.

Will I be able to do all this - we'll see. If I manage to do all that then I have everything I need. Or, we'll, a muscle car would do some good too :P

Does it happen often that people suddenly go crazy at my age? That they suddenly pack few stuff and drive into sunset or something?

I am not driving into sunset because in just 250 kilometers I would meet the sea. Boring. I have been there already. But suddenly I got idea to color my hair, get a new haircut style (you know, something how people look like after they come from showers) and get new clothing style.

I am so bored and frustrated.

When I look the work I must do I want to puke. I have stopped reading, watching TV, playing computer games - everything I did for entertainment. I don't go out with friends because I realized that I don't have any - maximum I have is "people I know". None of them knows who I really am. And if they knew they would probably distance themselves from me.

Only talking to my online friends brings some happiness into my dull days. Although I have never met them personally, they know who I am. They are the same. They understand. They support and comfort me but this has temporary effect only. But it makes it possible to live through another dull day.

I put my hope into trip to USA. Hopefully it changes things. But there is lots of things, lots of dull days and boring work separating me from it now - closest time I can attempt it is in summer. Not so far, yes, if you are happy. I am not.

What I am yearning for, you may ask. Isn't my current life exactly the same as it was year ago, two years ago - when I didn't feel like that, so bored and frustrated? Shouldn't I be thankful that I have work now when economic depression makes many other people lose their jobs?

I could continue living this life - I have nothing against my work, it is relatively interesting and brings cash. But something very big and very important is missing from my life. I need someone. A mate, soulmate, someone who knows who I am and accepts me as I am.

“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.”
Richard Bach

I don't want to be alone any longer.

I want to thank the following people who have offered me much support during these hard times and made me happier:

 Pokeypony
 puppy962
 Momiji436

Well... enough is enough.
Too much time have I wasted. Time to break out of the trap. Time to at least attempt a change.

While I can't run away from what I am doing (at least not yet), perhaps I can fit something into the schedule. My dream is to see USA and meet other furries there.

Why USA? Well. It is big and contains lots of stuff. Exotic stuff for an European fur like me. Visiting USA has been made quite easy now. I would like to see some kind of furry event. And simply have good time. Time I can't get here. It is also a country that speaks language I understand which can't be said about almost any other European country :)

So I am critically reviewing my schedules. The tight schedule holds me in place for more than year from now, but I don't want to lose another year. Perhaps I can pull myself together, finish the every-month workload during short time and then escape. At least for couple of weeks.

I need that.

Oh why...

I feel I go crazy. I am trapped. Trapped into endless cycle of work, trapped into a small country where nothing happens if you are furry.

All furries I have met are online friends and they all are on the other side of the Earth. I want to meet them, be with them, have fun, do something crazy...

But I am held in place by tight work schedule. Can't take even couple of weeks off. I see my life sliding past me while I do nothing I want to do.

How to change that before I get old? *Sigh*