I will draw more of him!!! I've been seeing paisley pattern everywhere lately, and in the most random places, both in real life and in the shows I've been watching (a lot of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul lol)

obviously this means the universe demands more Paisley! So expect to see more Paisley the greedy dragon x} maybe one day I'll even give him a backstory lol maybe that will happen the more I draw him, esp. interacting (read: devouring) other characters

Hey, everyone! I could really use a bit of help right now. I'm about to be homeless again. If I can raise about $100 this week, that will help out so much. I'm offering commissions at a low rate right now.

$5 monochrome, one character. Full body or bust (you decide) I would use black and white or another color and white. you can choose the color

$7 monochrome, 2 characters.

Right now I will draw almost any fetish/kink, except: inflation, scat, underage. I'm open to almost anything else, for example vore. Just ask if you're not sure. I don't judge xD

If you like my stuff and want something from me, talk to me! I can work with whatever your budget is. I take payment via PaPal

thanks!!!

So I got fired, and thus evicted. My boss...let's just say karma will take care of him. What he did to me, how he did it, how he spoke to me and how he set things up so that I had no warning (I had a feeling, but a boss should give you actual warning, dont you think?) that this would happen so suddenly. What he did to me, he has done to several others who came before me.

But I am happier now and want to live life much more than I ever did when I was at that house doing that job. In fact I got a practice week, if you will. Whenever I had days off, I was expected to leave the house and find somewhere to go, usually I just slept in my car. Last week I showed myself how self sufficient I can be, and still draw and get online without spending much money. So...now I get to use what I've learned, and learn much more, to live out of my car for an indefinite period of time.

I have put up ads on craigslist and such for housing in exchange for work, but I'm not going to rush into a godamn thing. I don't ever, ever want to give another person power over me like that. I will never be someone's victim or servant or bitch again (unless it's part of a kinky scene xP) and I know now I DON'T have to work a piece of shit job like fast food just to pay rent at a place I hate, living with people I hate. That is not the only way to live! Society likes to put rules on shit, like you can't get an apartment unless you show this this and this....well...fuck you and your apartment then.

I am homeless...though honestly as long as I have my car and it runs (which it does) I do have a home. It's rough, I have to constantly drive to find places to park/hide, but it's totally ok. I don't want to stay homeless. I want my own place...mostly so that I can rp and play video games and watch Star Trek in some privacy and comfort. I don't know how long I will be living in my car, but I can tell you I'm not rushing to move in with someone who is going to want to take up my time/energy.

I am entitled to financial aid money, so I will be going after that. I will even go and ask for things that I previously felt I didnt "deserve" or that I felt shame for asking. I still feel it...but it's surprisingly easy now to not swallow my pride, but ignore it just long enough to do what I need to do for basic shit. I will be haunting my VA office, the welfare office, everything.

I dont want a shitty job. I know that I can make money from my art. I've done it before. There are murals up in my town, put up because of ME. Designed, painted by me! Even if all I can raise in the beginning is a bit of gas money so I can rest stop hop for a while, that's enough. Because more always comes from that little bit...I just need a start.

so I will be creating ads and stuff for my commissions. I sure as hell have the time now lol. and the motivation is coming in strong, too. Eventually, I want to go to LA. Last week I drove down to 6 Flags and it was just amazing how it feels down south...there is an energy there that I just want to be a part of. I don't hate my current city nearly as much anymore, after I drove through Sacramento and saw the utter bleakness of life there. I was so affected by the terrible, grim vibes of that place I cried for an hour as I drove away...I felt like an external force was pushing those strong, horrible feelings into my head. If nothing else, that place would just waste my time.

I got my car today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It finally happened!!!!! It's gorgeous and GOLD!

on a side note, I think my boss is mad at me. If not today, he will be, over the fact that I put all those miles on his truck; now he might get penalized by his insurance. But you know what? I don't care. Because he bought me my car, I owe him 2 grand now. WHICH MEANS he will want me to stick around to work it off. I will make sure he doesn't make me pay like my full paycheck every month or something. Either way I should have time to set some kind of safety net up for myself in the event that he fires me. He fired one past house manager because she used steel wool to try to scrub the tarnish off one of his silver pieces. He fired her that very day. Granted, she did ruin a piece of his silver and that was perhaps a foolish thing to do. But if that's really all she did wrong, that's no fucking reason to fire and evict her. That doesn't make me feel very safe around there at all.

I am ready now to leave this job, all but financially. I'd love to start going to massage school again and get my license; that is expensive so I need an income to cover my living expenses. I deliberately got an SUV so that I could live in it if I had to. So even if my boss does fire me or tell me I have to leave in a few months or whatever, I'm fucking good!!! plus I hope that as I start making erotic art for here, Aryion, and Patreon, I can start getting commissions.

My job is not working out for me. I'm a house manager; I clean, take care of the animals, collect eggs, etc. for a wealthy man who does garden design. I have issues, anyway, with anger, emotions, authority, etc. If I had the patience of a monk, perhaps I could put up with all the stress my boss puts me through. He reminds me of King Henry VIII; able to lift you up, only to smash you back down on a whim. Or upon the suggestion of someone else. I've heard of how he fired the previous house mangers, for reasons I feel to be far too flimsy to just throw the person away. You see, I don't just work at that house, I live there. That is my only home right now, and even the vehicle I drive isn't mine, but his. Every time he gives me something nice, like his offer to buy me my own car, it always comes with stress and strings. It takes days upon days for him to do something for me, because he always finds a matter far more pressing to attend to first. And if I react with impatience or anger or frustration, then I am labeled the problem. I am the one who is "ungrateful." I actually don't mind waiting however long it takes, it's just the stress of having to tell the car owner, day after day, that I have to cancel. It's the logistics of the situation: I feel I know how to do this more efficiently for everyone, but I'm simply not allowed. It must be my boss' way, or the highway. And that gets difficult when my boss doesn't realize how things work in the real world. For example, he was going to write a check for the car owner; it never occurs to him that these days people don't want personal checks.

Yesterday, I was supposed to go get my new car, but was given yet another excuse as to why I must wait yet another day. At this rate, my entire week off will be spent waiting around at the motel for my boss to graciously allow me to pick up the new car. And I am also expecting to be yelled at and possibly even fired over the fact that I put in waaaaaay too many miles on his truck (though he didn't tell me I couldn't drive very far in the beginning, and even gave me some money to go to Six Flags on my birthday, which is a 7 hour drive away). And that's the day I got the text from his other worker that I was being "ungrateful."

I thought about that long and hard and I have come to this conclusion: I accept how I feel about this. I feel no guilt. I am grateful for the things I recognize to be good, for everything that is serving me. I am not grateful for the guilt that is put on me, for the stress, for the frustrated powerlessness I feel when I know I can't do ANYTHING to get things moving as long as my boss is blocking it. My feelings are not wrong nor invalid. I see what's going on here, I see these people for who they are now; I have every right to come to my own conclusion about what's going on. This is, after all, my time, my life.

I used to have severe road rage. I still struggle with it, but much less since I realized something important. When there's a slow car in front of me, that triggers feelings of being trapped in me, and I get furious. Sometimes I even tailgate the person and bully them out of "my" lane. Yes, I am that kind of driver, and I'm not proud of it. But then one day I realized it was all in my power. I could just change lanes and pass them. Or just wait a little bit to pass them, or whatever I needed to do. When I realized that it was 100% up to me, I loosened up on the road a lot, and now when I drive up or down a long stretch of freeway, like the I-5, I am must faster, smoother, and calmer, because I am always looking for space in the next lane to get into if I need to; I am looking ahead for my own sake. And that means I don't have to bully or scream at other drivers, because they no longer control me. They cannot trap me unless I let them. And probably even more importantly, I am now able to accept my situation if I happen to be stuck behind a slow truck, or god forbid a traffic jam, with grace.

It's the exact same thing with my boss. He's the slow truck in front of me, and his minions are other slow vehicles hogging the lanes. They are so focused on their own problems, they can't even see how they are slowing me down, how they make it difficult for me to even do my job for them. The stress I feel in response to them makes a huge impact on my work, not just my personal life. But I don't care anymore, I have officially let go. The worst thing my boss can do to me is fire me before I feel I'm ready to leave. And if he buys me a car this week, that kinda tells me I'm good for a few months at least. but no matter what, this guy will not trap me. So I have to wait around in this depressing motel all week. Well I just bought a new tablet, so I can work on art every moment that my boss hems and haws. That way I am not letting him waste my time, and I can make something good come out of this, for me.

I've been wanting to quit for a while now. I don't have any concrete plans or job offers or anything out there waiting for me, which is something my mother would remind me of, and use to convince me to stay. You see, she is not a risk taker, and has always been against me taking any sort of risk conceivable, which includes trying to make my living by creating art. But what she, and many others, don't understand s that for me, creating art is the only way I can live. That or being a scientist or mathematician of some sort, because that is also my passion. When I try to live a life that is not my passion, that doesn't resonate with me, then only bad things can come of it. I see that now. A month ago, I was feeling more depressed than I have ever felt in my life. I believed so strongly that I would never feel happiness again, tat I'd forever feel lonely, that nothing I ever did could possibly matter. That I was still a loser at 30, and would be at age 40. When I was a tween I vowed to kill myself if I didn't "shape up" by 30. And well I felt, last month, that I had not fulfilled my promise, and I had to die. And every day I didn't do it I was an even bigger loser, cuz I couldn't even kill myself.

That despair is still there, lurking in the back of my mind. It's just not so in the forefront of my focus right now; I'm free enough from it to start thinking about myself and how to free myself. All my life I've willingly allowed others to control and abuse me because I was dependent on them. I stayed living with a man I thought I loved, only to find out he was actually quite cruel and racist, and I hated my life then, too. I dropped out of college at the last few months and even failed to go to key classes for my massage therapy course, resulting in my failure. It's like...as long as I let others make me feel worthless and valueless, then I will be. Why should I punish myself just because my live in boyfriend at the time moved another woman into the house when he sensed I was pulling away from him? Why should I let Tommy make feel like an ingrate, when he was fired by my boss for standing up for himself?

No matter what happens today, I'm going to be drawing with my tablet. I'm going to start posting shit again. I'm gonna do all the art that I owe people and start taking commissions immediately. I've been thinking about diving into the furry fandom hardcore; I kinda feel like I should "come out" as it were. I had a boyfriend (before the racist) who was super anti-furry, and well I guess I feel nervous even to this day to tell people that yeah, I'm a furry! If you've been following me, you would have seen me draw some anthro stuff, but I never really connected with it, you know? Well, now I want to. I want to get hella into it and start designing characters to put in smutty situations. I'm not too proud to learn from people I dont' like, so I'm going to remember what my boss said: the money is in design. So that's what I'm going to do: character design. For video games, comics, cartoons, anything!

I'm rejecting all the negative bullshit. I had a Senior Chief in the Navy once who literally saved my life one day: I was training for the boarding party, and had to climb up a rope to a catwalk at least 3 stories up. I was wearing a lot of gear and had on a safety harness, but just as I reached almost the top, and some straps on the harness broke. It was moments from completely breaking, and without it, I would have fallen a considerably distance onto the hard weather-decks below. All I had to do was pull myself up the rest of the way and grab the railing above my head. My arms were exhausted, I could feel them giving out, but more than that, I felt myself give up. I didn't care what happened to me. According to one of my buddies that was there, Senior apparently thrust his ever present coffee mug into someone's hands and raced up the catwalk, shoved the other boarding party members out of the way, reached his little body down and lifted me up. I weighed more than he did for god's sake, and he barely looked flushed. I don't even remember what happened immediately after that, but I still remember the odd feeling of being lifted as I hung there, feeling like I deserved whatever happened to me. From the first day I reported to his division, he would tell me, "Dont' ever let anyone tell you no." This man even let me stay at his house as part of his family when I had nowhere to go during a mandatory training week. To this day I feel I was a "shit bag," a very specific Naval term lol. and yet Senior saw something in me that made up for my shitty performance at work, to rescue and inspire me. I have no idea how I could contact him again, I can't even remember his name. But the least I can do is pay him back by having the best life, and doing the absolute best that I can. Starting this very second. Even if things at work get to a point where I'm fired and homeless over night, I' going to be ok. Because I have my tablet, and I have amazing friends both in person and over the Internet who obviously believe in me. I am starting to believe in myself, and let me tell you, I feel pretty brave having such an aggressively passionate beast of a person on my side. I've always wanted to be a life coach, and now I am. My first client is me.

I think I am sliding into a deep depression cycle right now. I had been doing better. By no means well, and I still had no motivation to draw. I am feeling more warm towards drawing/creating, so I think it's possible I will create something today, but today I feel like I wish I were dead.

I've just been withdrawing inwardly so much it's become a problem. It's natural for me to be introverted and a loner. But even so, I used to enjoy visiting friends and spending the whole day playing the games we love or watching our shows or going out. I have a select few in person friends and I love them all. But lately I dont' want to see any of them. I don't want to see anyone. I have one friend who keeps telling me on the phone how much she misses me, and I say I miss her back, but I don't feel it. I say I love you back, and I don't feel it. in fact I feel resentment towards her, and anger at her that she's making me feel bad for never visiting. And I always, always wonder why the fuck she misses me anyway. I hate myself when I'm around other people. esp lately. when someone tries to ask me a personal question or like how I've been doing, I clench up and feel a powerful, physical sensation and then it's like I could not get the words out if I tried. It's like my body itself fears any social interaction at all is poison.

it's times like these I wonder about myself. how easily I can turn my love off for someone. I've known this girl for years. We've been through so much together and I feel nothing for her. I only called her today to get something from her.

I dont' use everyone. I use people at times, when I see the opportunity and usually only if they "deserve" it in my eyes. no, the real bad thing I do is somehow manage to stop caring about the person. maybe it's a control thing: this is my way of control, of hurting other people because I feel so hurt. Let them love me and then abandon them.

I believe in fairness and being decent to people, even if they seem to be pieces of shit. likewise, I realize now I'm no worse than some other weirdo. I make the conscious decision to think of myself and treat myself like any other regular person. I was raised to believe I was inferior, perhaps even sub-human, and sadly I still see myself that way. But I've evolved from hating myself to understanding and accepting myself. As not quite human, not really a part of society, but still something potentially good. At least I can say that. it's still a struggle.

I do't see any way of out of this. I hate being this way. I wish I didn't feel so inherently separate from humanity, like some weird but not all bad monster. I always feel that I don't fit in, and have no desire to. I'm on a dating website, and I'm already sabotaging myself, abandoning people who start to get too close.

I'm not going to therapy. My boss thinks that I am, and that I'm taking medication for what is probably bipolar disorder or at least a very aggressive depression tat comes in cycles. I would get fired if they found out that I'm actually trying to treat myself instead. I just...my fucking god I cannot talk to anyone about my depression. I. Just. Can't. My brain wont let me. Whenever I do spill personal secrets about myself, even to therapists, I get so weighed down with guilt and shame afterwards, from the inside. I get so upset with myself for revealing those secrets to others, and then I just shut down and won't talk to people for months. So even if I could fight through the anxiety enough to actually make an appointment, keep it, and get there on time, it would be a waste of my time because I dont' speak honestly to therapists. I lie to them. I say what I think they want to hear. I can't even help it!

i am at the end of my rope, though. I think I know what madness feels like. Actual madness. These past few weeks, I have started to feel the edges of insanity creeping in, mostly in the form of irrational, blind rage. I don't know what to do about it, again, I can't go to other people about it. there is help out there, plenty of it, but I have to be willing to let it in. for whatever reason, I've walled myself up so tightly, even when I want to break out, I can't. I am barely functional. If not for weed, I wouldn't even eat. I keep daydreaming of an escape, whatever that may be. Running away, death, going completely nuts, I don't know. if only I could get myself into drawing. I do have a commission to do; unfortunately I dont' like the request. It does't break any of my rules, but still. I dont' want to do it. what the fuck do I want to do, then?

update: I just ordered some weed over the phone. what a blessed time/age this is that I can do that. That's going to help quite a bit, at least for today. It's no magic cure; nothing is. But even with my high ass tolerance I should be able to get good and stoned today, and maybe do something today. Even if it's just playing a video game online, it's more activity and social interaction than I've been doing.

good news! Commissions are open, and cheap as hell!

$5 - pencil drawing
$10 full color digital drawing, 1 char, simple bg
$15 full color digital drawing, up to 3 char, simple bg

I'm kink, fandom, pairing, character friendly; ask me for anything! Except: inflation, pedo, scat. Dont' ask for that.

You get your piece within a week of me receiving payment. I take payment via paypal, but if that's an issue for you, we can work something else out.

Bonus deal! Order $20 worth of commissions, and you can ask for a free pencil drawing, additional commission.

I'm currently taking commissions. Prices depend on how many characters, how complex/big the scene, what materials I use, etc. Talk to me about it, and we'll figure it out. But the price would be in the ball park of $20 for one character, inked and colored with markers, with a simple background.

I will consider almost any theme or fetish or idea, but here's a list of things I will NOT do:

pedo
inflation
scat or watersports

I reserve the right to decline a commission request due to personal reasons, but for the most part, I'm happy for the business.

Types of materials I can use: dip pen and ink, Sakura pens, graphite, pastels, charcoal, watercolor or acrylic paint, prismacolor markers, colored pencils

Pieces that use more expensive materials would cost you a bit extra. Acrylics are usually more pricey for me.

If you want the finished piece mailed to you, just send a self addressed, properly stamped envelope, and I'll be happy to send you the original!

You are free to post any art I do for you anywhere, as long as you credit me. Linking back to me or this journal would be very kind.

I most usually get commission requests for OCs, m/m erotica, and pieces that feature a client's specific fetishes. I do a lot of humans, but I enjoy drawing anthro characters as well. That's why I'm here!

I prefer payment via paypal, but I've had people mail me money before. That's not recommended, and I only do that with friends. A certified check or something like that might work if you can't/don't use credit/debit cards.