You Matter!

Your Voice Matters!

Your Life Matters!

You Are Valid!

You Are Beautiful!

You Are Loved!

You Are Important!

You are perfect just the way you are! Don't ever be ashamed of who you are, nor let anybody talk down on you. You matter to me, your friends, and those who love and support you. You have every right to be sad, angry, and frustrated about what happened. I understand that you're scared. I'm afraid, as well. We all are! However...that doesn't mean we can't fight back! I'm not gonna sit here with my head down moping all day long. I'm not gonna run away, and I'm not ashamed of my existence. Every day we face every challenge that the world throws at us. We dealt with "Bunker Bitch" the first time. He's back for more, but we're not gonna let him get his way, again!

No matter what happens...I want you all to continue living your lives. Keep moving forward no matter how hard the road will get. Don't let anybody change you to be someone you're not because YOU KNOW who you are, and you should NEVER apologize for that! I know we'll get through this as long as we got each other. Stay strong, stay safe, and look out for one another. Love y'all.

\(^o^)/ FUR AFFINITY IS BACK IN THE HIZZOUSE!!! \(^o^)/

I woke up at around 2AM to see if my phone was still charging. After plugging in my charger again, while I was up, I thought I checked one of my phone apps starting with Twitter. And that...is where I was suddenly hit with the tragic news that's been going around - Dragoneer died.

I didn't want to believe it when I heard this just now. I wanted to think to myself that this was misinformation, or that this was a nightmare that I was having. However, that nightmare became a reality. It really happened. This is A LOT for me and everyone else to take in. Dragoneer...passed away.

Ever since I joined the furry fandom back in 2012, Fur Affinity was the very first furry site I registered and been using all day BEFORE I ever created other accounts on other sites. I don't know much about him other than the fact that he's the administrator and owner of FA. Fur Affinity is the only site where I feel at home, where I am comfortable posting my art, and my ideas. It's the only furry site where I feel the need to express myself, my imagination, and my creativity. Despite this site's ups and downs, I'm glad that it exists. No other furry site makes me feel at ease.

 Dragoneer, I may not know much about you...but I wish I'd taken the opportunity to get to know you better. I just want to say...thank you. Thanks for everything. If I had never known about Fur Affinity...if I never met and made many friends here...and if I never found a place where my imagination could run wild...then I wouldn't be where I am right now. My condolences to your family and to those who've known you. And I'm deeply sorry for what UVA did to you, too. What they did was unforgivable, and I hope they get sued for this. The future for FA is unclear, tho. However, I'm sure there's a possible solution. This site is just too good to lose.

Rest in peace, Dragoneer. You will dearly be missed.

Bye-Bye Twenties...

Well, I went to work at my current new job today, except I had to come in at 8:30am. So, I worked from that time to 4:00pm. Although, that's not the case. While done wiping the windows, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the floor, and sweeping the parking lot, today is like every other day where I get my Prep List.

Now, here's where things just got interesting. So, my manager doesn't have my prep list ready yet. However, he told me to do one case of crinkle fries and one case of side fries. Of course, he even gave me the fast way to do them since I take up the time prepping such a big case. Every morning when it comes to prepping - Broccoli, Crinkle Fries, and Side Fries are the items that I ALWAYS get on my prep list. But guess what?...there was no box of broccoli today! Although, there are those three pans of them that were previously made.

So, with the crinkle fries and side fries done, I checked to see what else I need to prep. I mean, I never bothered my manager since he said he'll have my prep list ready. But, guess what?...he DIDN'T have my prep list ready at all! Do you know what that means?...I'VE PREPPED SOME ITEMS WITHOUT A LIST!

I did one case of crinkle fries and one case of side fries, followed by three trays of cornbread, fourteen slices of cheesecake (two boxes were on the tray - one was open and the other isn't), twelve slices of chocolate cake, and a case of asparagus! After that, I went outside to break down the boxes and then went back inside to get the dishes caught up. This is the first time in my life I've prepped any items without a list telling me what TO prep. When my manager heard this...he was really proud! I mean, what can I say? I just..predict things. Lol

Oh! Another thing! My mom is working at her new job, as well. She works at "Home Goods" - that's the building that's a short distance from my job - Smokey Bones. Of course, my mom sometimes comes here whether to watch the game, drink, or grab a bite to eat.

For real, tho. I can't believe I prepped shiz without a freekin' list. I thought my manager would have it ready, but he didn't. Although, I sure had surprised him.

This is DEFINITELY a new year to start! So, happy 2021!

And also...Happy "Year of the Ox"!

Reality slips far away.
FICTION COMES ALIVE, WE START TO PLAY.

It’s been such a long time ever since I posted a journal, but now...here it is. Honest to God, I can’t believe it’s almost over. 2020...is finally coming to an end!

I think it’s safe to say that 2020...was the worstest...year...EVAR! Ever since from the beginning, everything seemed normal. Everything seemed fine. But then...everything changed when the pandemic spread. Ever since I’ve heard about it in February, I was kinda nervous. Let alone concerned. And then March...is where I began staying home for my safety from this pandemic. Update after update from my manager, and she said we’ve extended. That is...until July or August...that’s when we were told that we’ve extended to next year. Even worse, we’re being replaced by those that do the vending machines. In other words, we were let go. It was a lot to take in, ngl. I never did look for a new job, not because I still have my old one and expected to come back, but because I’m afraid that I might not be good enough for anybody. At least...that’s what I thought, but I guess I was wrong. My first new job was at Waffle House, but...that didn’t go well because of my position as a Salesperson. So, I looked for a second job and got the position as a Dishwasher at Smokey Bones. When I got the call to come in, I got hired INSTANTLY. Like, wow, that hiring position went from 0 to 100, real talk! And you know what? Not only was it my first time getting a new job, but my SECOND TIME! I guess my mom was right, after all - with my degree in culinary arts I can go anywhere. I guess my grandma was wrong about that little story she told me a few years back. Even though I’m currently working at my new job, I’m still thinking about my old one, let alone those I’ve made friends with over there at my old job.

There’s something else that has happened in 2020, and it’s been a REALLY BIG issue. That’s right - Racism. Racism is INDEED an issue that’s been taken seriously. Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY in America has been protesting. And you know what? America isn’t alone. France, Japan, Australia, London, THE ENTIRE WORLD was protesting, too! This was...I’m not gonna lie, this was ABSOLUTELY touching! Seeing the whole world protesting and fighting back against racism really filled my heart with hope and inspired me to fight back! And as far as protesting, there comes that time of day, that moment of truth - Election Day. I’ma be honest, I was really scared and worried. I mean, after what just happened this year, I hope this has made America change. Turns out...IT DID! That’s right, folks! “Bunker Bitch” is NO MORE! So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye! You WON’T be missed! For real, that bastard was the “Ultimate Despair”, but now we have a NEW president on our hands - Joe Biden, who is definitely...the “Ultimate Hope”.

Speaking of hope and despair, there’s something else that has happened in 2020. And THAT has become pretty popular all of a sudden on the Internet. You know what I’m talking about…



That’s right! Danganronpa! I think I’ve heard of it, but never played it nor have I seen someone play this game. Of course, I did watch Berleezy play that this year. And it wasn’t just Berleezy. There were also Jazzyguns, iHasCupquake, CurtStreamy, Luchanjin, Game Grumps, other popular YouTubers playing that. Which is why Danganronpa is all the rage this year. Not to mention the fact it’s that game’s 10th Anniversary. Because of Berleezy and other popular YouTubers, I’m suddenly hooked to it. I mean, how do you explain those stickers I’ve been using on Telegram, let alone the gifs?

So, in conclusion, 2020 was literally the biggest, most awful, most tragic event in human history. Then again, it wasn’t so bad since things, in the end, are changing for the better - a new job...a new president...and a new hope! As far as the outside world, my concern is the Furry Fandom itself. Has 2020 really made a deep impact on the furry community, has 2020 helped make this fandom change their ways? Or is the furry community still the same fandom? 2020 may have changed some folks, yet some pretty much still remains the same. Who knows. 2020 is about to come to an end. So, what does 2021 hold for everybody? If you ask me...I’d say 2021 will give us the hope we wanted. After what we’ve gone through this year, we take those experiences and move on to the next with what we’ve learned. So, whatever 2021 has in store for us, we know what to expect.

Hello, hello. Greetings. It’s been two months ever since I posted a journal, but here I am...and here IT is. So, as the title of the journal hence, this is why I’ve been quiet for a while. So, here’s the 411 on what’s been happening when I was away from the keyboard.

So, for starters, my old job. Somewhere in July or August, I got an update from my manager saying that Refresh Cafe has been extended to next year. To make matters worse, we’re being replaced by the people that do vending machines at the ECPI building. After hearing that, I was both shocked...and saddened. Thanks to the COVID not only did it take away my job, but it also ruined both my future and my life. I spoke with my manager about this, and she said that no matter what she and my friends will always be there for me if I need anything. So, that’s pretty good to hear. However, now I have to start looking for a new job.

To be honest, I never did want to look for another one because of what happened back in 2015-2016. Application after application, interview after interview, and no one would hire me. That was years ago, tho. However, because I graduated from the Culinary Institute of Virginia...because I got my associate’s degree from there...will me searching for a job be different or will it be the same thing as it was a few years ago? I mean, my mom did say that I should apply to every food industry. That, and she said how and I quote, “the world needs chefs”.

So, the first job I got was at Waffle House. That’s good, right? Well...the fact that I got the position as a “Salesperson”...let’s say it was fun while it lasted. Least I got paid, tho. On the other hand, a friend of mine that also applied to Waffle House just got a second job at Dairy Queen and decided to work there instead of here. So I thought to myself if he can get a second job...then so can I. Again, my mom told me to apply everywhere. Well, I’ve applied to a few places, that is until...I got a call. Olive Garden is one thing, but Smokey Bones...that’s a different story. I mean, I did an interview at Olive Garden and the manager said he’ll give me a call once he’s done interviewing the other applicants. Smokey Bones, however...I came in, got a shirt and apron...I got hired INSTANTLY. I mean, the first time I came in and my mom didn’t even know that I actually got hired. So, with that being said, I pretty much turned in my uniform and name tag to Waffle House since I’ll no longer work there anymore. What’s my position at Smokey Bones, you say? Well...I’m a Dishwasher. Ey, I KNOW I can cook, but like...you gotta “start from the bottom”, you know? And may I just say...this is a MUCH better place to work. I mean, the people I met there are friendly and they help me with what I need to do and such. Of course, dishwashing seems like a lot of work, but I’ma get used to working here, no doubt. And boooooy, my family were excited to hear that I’m now working at Smokey Bones. Of course, that’s my aunt Pam’s favorite spot. Not to mention, my fam are “Yummies”. By “Yummies”, I mean that my fam likes to eat food...mostly. Lol

So, just yesterday, I finished my onboarding task and got everything set up. And NOW I’m ready. Got my banking verified, got a new phone, and now I got a new job. Now, I’ll be able to get my life back on track. And here I was doubting myself, thinking no one would need me and that I’m not good enough for the job. However, it turns out, I AM needed for a job, after all. Not gonna lie, I’m excited about this. I KNOW I’m gonna enjoy working with the team. It’s a lot of hard work, but it’ll be fun for me nonetheless. And so, it begins...

A new job…
A new hope…
A new life…

For those of you that still use FA, you probably must've already checked your watchlist and is like, "Dafuq? What happened to my watchers?!"

Well, the same thing happened to me. I mean, it kinda happened yesterday on Wednesday, I think. I went on my FA account, and if I've known better as I check my watchlist something was...off. Kinda different. Then again, I don't think I remember how many watches I had. So, I guess I lost count, but I don't care. However, some of you are probably wondering what the heck just happened? Well, from what I've been hearing - there's been a purge on dead and inactive accounts here. THAT...pretty much explains it. It makes a lot more sense.

So, it's not you, just some inactive accounts (and even bot ones) that had to be purged. So, you all are alright. Y'all didn't do anything bad. Just FA doing it's belated "spring cleaning". So, all is good.

Soooooo, I’m pretty sure those in the furry community have seen Joker (2019 Film) since last year. Maybe, maybe not. Well, for me...I’ve watched it. Not last year, but this year. It was free to watch on Cox’s Contour TV. In fact, I’ve watched it a few times around at night. To be honest...I actually quite liked it. Of course, my mom came in yesterday and saw me watching that film and she was wondering why. I told my mom and said that I liked it. It’s not really a bad film. Although, my mom said it was kinda “gruesome”. However, she’d let me be. But you know, I told my mom yesterday about how the Joker...well...the Joker seems to be like me for an odd reason. Guess it’s because I feel like...like I’m trash...nothing...invisible...abandoned. Believe me, it's been like that BEFORE I even joined the furry fandom. When I told my mom that, she told me that this is why I shouldn’t be watching such shows or movies like these. The reason my mother said that is because, well...of course, she knows me. I am her son, after all. But, like, my mom knows that I’m not really crazy and I don’t have this disease like the Joker or anything else. Not to mention, how I “shouldn’t compare myself to others.” She told me that Joker had this “schizophrenia”, and I’m like, “oh, is that the disease where he had that uncontrollable laugh?” Unfortunately, that wasn’t it. It’s a disease where people feel like they’re “delusional”, “in another world”, “feeling against the world”. That sort of thing. I mean, it would make a lot of sense because how Joker thinks Murray is an awful person, but Murray is actually being funny. That’s his thing. So, I guess Joker must’ve mistaken it feeling he’s being ridiculed.

I know my mom can be somewhat of a...bitch...whenever she always randomly fusses at me, cusses at me, and such. Although, it is kinda nice of her seeing she’s looking out for me. In fact, when she saw me depressed through her mirror, she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing was wrong, just something in my head. As a matter of fact, this has happened to me every day and it’s been a problem to me and those who do care about me. Whenever my mom, my friends, or anyone else asks me “what’s wrong”, “how am I doing”, or “is something the matter”, I just act and pretend like everything is fine. Heck, I’m just like Steven Universe - how he’s all “it’s fine, it’s fine. Everything is fine.” But...I know that there are times where I know that I’m not really fine. Ever since I graduated from the culinary school since 2018, I suddenly look back at my past and remember the things I went through. Sure, there were some good ones, however, I’ve been looking at bad ones mostly. And I keep looking at ‘em like they were haunting me. Not only that but as I move forward and look towards what the future may hold, I’ve been predicting...A LOT! Predicting something whether it’s good or bad. I even sometimes get paranoid when it comes to having second thoughts.

I know how my mom is telling me to “stay strong”. Even my grandmother would want that, too. Although, I have to admit...I’m not really a strong person no matter how hard I try to be. I mean, just...my mom knows I’m on Twitter, but...she doesn’t know what’s been going on with me. I’m sure she’s aware of what’s going on in this world right now, but I don’t think she knows what I’ve been doing. I mean, behind her back, she doesn’t know that I’m chatting with you furries. She doesn’t know that I took part in donating and signing a petition. I dunno what she might say if she found out that I’m socializing with furries and trying to make a difference. Of course, I did ask my mom the other day how she would feel if I told her a friend and I are into furries. And my mom is like, “Is that a bad thing?” Heh. Guess she doesn’t find furries bad, I guess. Either way...I dunno. I’ve met and made new friends online. I haven’t been to a furcon in my whole life. I don’t even know what it's like.

Okay, so...some of you are probably looking at this journal and are like, “I’m confused. What is all of this about?” Well, to put it this way...I’m scared. Does that make any sense? I’m scared, anxious, stressed, and paranoid. My mom doesn’t know that, my friends don't know that, I don’t think anyone else does. Like what my mom said, “stay strong”. I promise to be strong just like my grandmother would want me to. However, because of what’s going on in our world today...I just don’t have the strength. I know people on Twitter are saying to take a break from the Internet for your mental health, and now I can see why. I felt like I’ve been ignoring this from others who care about someone’s health, and going out my way retweeting this, retweeting that. I’ve donated once, donated twice...signed the first time, signed the second, and signed the third...I feel like I’m not putting much effort. Remember I said I’m always predicting and having second thoughts? Yep, this is what I’m talking about. I’ve been having these feelings in my stomach and in my head that I might be looked the wrong way. I feel like if I take a break from the Internet, I might have disappointed or failed some people even though I may not know them. I just feel so...angst. To be honest, I worry a lot. I worry about MYSELF. I know I’m always going out my way being thoughtful, generous, selfless, and trying to help out. However, I sometimes get the feeling that I might not be...good enough to those around me. People say I’m strong, but I honestly look weak...people say I’m nice and friendly, but I honestly sometimes think I’m a bad person...sometimes...I don’t know who I am anymore. I mean, I try to stay positive, try to look on the bright side, but because of what’s been happening this year...I just don’t know how to feel. Been at home all day, checking in with my manager and other coworkers, been drawing, been helping my mom with my nephew and niece. *sigh* I dunno, maybe I SHOULD take a break from the Internet because I guess Stevonnie from Steven Universe is right - it IS overwhelming! *sigh* I just hope there's a miracle to all of this. My apologies for being...somewhat dramatic...or overexaggerating. However, that's just me sometimes.

It's been 5 months ever since I've posted a journal. I know I've been quiet for so long, but because of what's going on in our world right now, it's about time I stopped being silent and I say what I have to say. And what I'm going to say is this: BLACK *clap* LIVES *clap* MATTER! *clap*

Black Lives Matter! It ALWAYS has, and it ALWAYS will be! Now, I can tell y'all this. I've been active on Twitter recently, and I've been seeing ALOT of tweets about what's been going on in our world. I've been liking and retweeting some of 'em, getting the word out, and spreading them. I even donated and signed a few petitions even.

Another thing, I see people going around saying "all lives matter". Look...this isn't about you or anybody in general, this is about the African-Americans we're talking about. This is about the blacks who are being killed and brutalized by cops for no freekin' reason whatsoever. That's why there NEEDS to be justice for the African-Americans that were slain by cops who think they can get away with it, especially for being a racist.

Now, I know some of you are gonna come up here and say, "Oh, well, Rashaad, not all cops are bad. There are some good cops." Okay, so...if there are some good cops, then WHY are they still attacking us? Why aren't they doing anything besides just standing there with their shields and pushing everyone back? You wanna know what makes someone a "good cop" - quitting your job! If someone is considered a "good cop", they should quit their job!

So, I don't wanna hear no "all lives matter" and "not all cops are bad". Screw that noise. Sorry, but I said what I meant, and I meant what I said. If you got a problem with that, the "-Watch" button is right up there. I've heard and been told many times to "Speak Up". Well, here I am, coming out of my silence, and speaking up for all the blacks out there! It's time to make a difference. I don't care how many watches I lose for saying this. Popularity has been pointless to me, anyway.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

My family and I are back from our Thanksgiving break in Georgia, USA. And, well, like I told my mother: "It was fun while it lasted." So, we made it home yesterday last night. *sigh* I feel like as I wake up today, it's like nothing ever happened. It's like our time in Georgia was an illusion.

So, how exactly was my time in Georgia, you ask? Well, we stayed at this gorgeously fancy house that's kinda like a mansion. It was HUGE, man! It had three bathrooms, five bedrooms, a kitchen next to the TV room, etc. Heh. Now I know what "living large" feels like. I mean, I told my aunt the other day saying that Georgia is for the riches. Anywho, during our stay, we chatted, got to know each other, and had a Thanksgiving feast. We even told about what we're thankful for. For me, I told my fam that I'm thankful to be alive and being surrounded by those who loved and cared for me. And my aunt Pam was all like "y'all about to make me cry". Hehehehe. Well, now I know where I got my social emotions from.

After the Thanksgiving feast, we went to the outlet in Georgia because of, you guessed it, Black Friday sales. Apparently, I didn't buy anything...besides food. Ey, I'm a big eater, what did cha expect? After our time in Georgia, it was time to say goodbye to this peachy state. Hehehehehe. Peachy. Hehe.

I had a really good time. Although, to be honest, I wish we could spend more family time. I feel like we're finally connecting as a family. However, as we all return home and our same ol' daily routines, I feel like it's back to...this whole situation. Of course, today IS the first day of December. Christmas is just around the corner, and so is New Year's. Although, I don't know what 2020 is gonna be like. Will it be better or will it be worse? Will 2020 make it or break it? I've no clue. So, I might as well make the most of it. Surely can't wait to go back to work tomorrow and tell my friends about my Thanksgiving weekend.

As far as food, parades, dog shows, football, and getting prepared for Christmas, be thankful with what you have in your life and always appreciate the "little things" you still have with you.

Hiya! Sooo...you're probably wondering what this title of this journal meant. Well, I was gonna tell y'all since last week on August 15th, but...I didn't have the time. However, I'll tell ya what happened. As you can see, my family and I went to Atlanta, Georgia for our weekend vacation. It was a really, REALLY long ride there. Same for when we were heading back home.

Anywho, so...what exactly did my family and I do over in Atlanta? Well, we stayed at the Hilton Garden Inn, that's one. Of course, there was a time we got into its interior swimming pool. Good thing I packed my swimming trunks. Now, unfortunately, we didn't really eat anything in Hilton Garden Inn. So, we went out to eat instead, We ate at Ruby Tuesday, Big Daddy's Soul Food, Buffalo Wild Wings, and TGI Friday's. Aside from eating out, we finally got to go to the Georgia Aquarium. And OMG, it was magnificent. Pretty crowded, but it was gorgeous! We saw lots of aquatic creatures - some big, some small, some cute, some...creepy, and we saw a doggo at the aquarium. Also, I got myself a souvenir from the aquarium, as well. I even got a gift for my mother. Also, along with the aquarium, there was this World of Coca-Cola building that's a short distance from it. Honestly. I would want to check it out, but...I don't think we have tickets for that.

Just yesterday, as we were about to leave from our vacation, we stopped by the Lenox Square Mall, and it...was...MASSIVE! Holy shit, so many stores, food stops, and shiz. Although...there was a few stores we stopped by to check out, and...they were pricey as fuck. Like, these sunglasses I tried on that had the gold frames on the side, it was $285. PRICEY! Of course, I told the lady that I look like a rapper with those on. But, yeah. Heck, I told my fam that you need to be a billionaire to purchase stuff like this.

Now, again, it was a loooooong ride home. I mean, we left at around 12:00PM yesterday and we arrived home at around 6-ish today. Yeeaaah, we had to rest ourselves. So, yeah...we're back. We're back home after such a very long ride. And now that we're back home, looks like things are going back to normal. On the bright side, I got today off thank to my manager. Can't wait to go to work tomorrow and tell them about my vacay in Atlanta. It was fun while it lasted, now it's back to same ol' same ol'.

Okay, so...judging by the title of this journal, what happened to me? Why do I sound like this, and why am I acting like this? Well, something needs to be said. So, here’s my story…

So, I was on Telegram. A “rat friend” created a group, so I’m like, “cool”. So, he wanted me to look and see if anyone was interested. Things seem to look alright until I came across a grumpy, yet misunderstood “papa bear”. I was wondering if he’s into this sort of “kink”, yet he keeps asking me questions. So, I added him to the group a rat friend created. He was upset at first, but I apologized. So...he and I are cool right now. Even though he said he’ll stay in that group, I pretty much removed myself because I felt like I made a mistake.

So...that’s where a few people in that group got confused about what happened, and PM’d me to know what’s wrong. So, “Papa Bear” apologized to me because it was an accident for him to go off at me like that and “Daddy Rat,” said he wanted me to come back. Hell, even “Papa Bear” wanted me to come back, too. But, I’m like, “No, it’s my fault. So, I should be the one to leave.” However, both “Papa Bear” and “Daddy Rat” were just BEGGING me to come back to the group because they “needed” me. So...I joined back...but only because they wanted me to.

So, me and “Papa Bear” chatted with each other because, you know, get to know each other better. But...I’m just not feeling it anymore. I’m still upset, not happy with myself. I told “Papa Bear” that I think I should go. He asked me why and he thought we could chat for a bit. So, I told him, “I just can’t, dude. I’m not in the mood right now. I came back to the group, yeah, but only because you and he wanted me to. And I see y’all still talking about my mistake, and I felt like it was a bad idea of me to come back. You and he may be happy, but...I’m not. Is THAT why you two wanted me back - so you and every stupid-ass men can make me feel bad about myself? Make me feel bad about my mistake?!” But, then he told me that it was HIS mistake. However, I said it was MY mistake. Then “Papa Bear” told me that it was rude and disrespectful of him to make a big deal out if it, and that I’m a “great guy at heart”. *sigh* Then he told me that I don’t deserve to be treated like that ever. Now that...THAT’S where I play my card! I told “Papa Bear” and I quote, “tell that to those in the furry community who just LOVES to judge and attack others because they’re different”. I even told that to the “Daddy Rat”. So, both “Papa Bear” and “Daddy Rat” said the same thing to me - “No one in the fandom likes me either, even I get all the hate”. And, well...that’s just about it. I’m still a bit disappointed, tho. Yet...I’m starting to feel A BIT comfortable.

Nonetheless…*sigh* let’s just face it, like I told “Papa Bear” I’m nothing but a “people pleaser”. Despite that, I’ve been told a million times that I’m not gonna please everyone. Aaaannnd it’s true. And you know, as they said, “it was JUST a mistake”. Yeah, it pretty much WAS mistake. I’ve made mistakes all the time, and I FUCKING hate it! Now, I know some of you furries are gonna come up here and say, “Well, Rashaad, I’ve made mistakes, too. Nobody in the furry community likes me either.” Well...okay. Fine. I get it. I appreciate the “You’re not the only one” move that some of you pulled. But...this pretty much isn’t about you guys and gals, this is about me. This is about my life and story, so...honest to God, I have no idea what some of you are going through right now. But, you know, as the title of the journal says - I’m not perfect...you’re not perfect...NONE of us are. And even IF some of us are perfect, you’re still gonna get criticized no matter how professional, talented, and skillful you really are. But you know...that doesn’t mean we should stop trying. I can say that to myself. And you know, even though there are some furries I’ve met who said good things about me...sometimes I feel like their words aren’t true because sometimes I feel like I just don’t…”fit in”, y’ know? I dunno. I’m just lost and confused. As some people would say to me, maybe I’m just overthinking it.

WELCOME TO YEAR 2019!

*sigh* You know something? I think it’s safe for me and everyone in the furry community when I say that 2018...was a real shitfest. And I say this 100% sincere.

I mean, for me, the ONLY GOOD THING that has ever happened to me in 2018 is me graduating from Culinary Institute of Virginia and keeping my job as a Cafe Assistant at Refresh Cafe. Nothing else. Like, I thought me graduating from culinary school would change everything around in my life...but I guess I was wrong. It’s like I went through all that hard work and shit ALL FOR NOTHING! Nothing for me has changed for the better, it’s still same old, same old. That’s what 2018 is saying to my face, “You get NOTHING!” And to make matters worse, we’ve lost SO MANY good people this year. Those who made a difference in our world, those who made a positive impact in our lives, those who were an inspiration, etc.

As a matter of fact, speaking of losses. Remember back in November when I spoke up about the loss of my grandmother? Well, guess what? I just found out last week this month from my mother that I lost a good friend, Mr. Gary. He was married to Ms. Trinette - one of my mom’s friends, and I first met Mr. Gary at the First Fruit Church. *sigh* Oh, well...at least he is with my grandmother and the two dogs (Diamond and TJ). And you know, I bet Mr. Gary wants me to be strong, too. But, yeah, I’ll say it again: 2018 was a real shitfest!

To be honest, but ever since my culinary graduation...I’ve been thinking A LOT about myself lately. I keep looking back at my past seeing and remembering what I’ve been through, and then I was over thinking about my future. Like, for my future, I’ve been curious and asking myself: “What will happen to me now?” As far as I can tell, I’m still the same ol’ me. I mean, who else would I be unlike those who pretend to somebody they’re not. And you know what else? I forgot to mention another good thing that has happened to me in 2018 - my newborn niece! Not only do I have to look out for my nephew, but also my niece, as well. I mean, when it comes to having kids, they just...they just kinda make you feel...special...and worthy in someone’s life. And if I weren’t here right now, then I don’t know what my nephew, niece, or anyone else in my family would do without me.

Okay, now as far as how things are with reality...let’s talk about my life and times in the furry community of 2018! Apparently...umm...huh...well, to be honest, I don’t seem to recall nothing good has happened within the Furry Fandom this year. Like I said before about my life, “everything is STILL the same, and nothing’s change”. For the BETTER, that is. But you know what? Despite my times within the furry community...I feel like somewhere in the furry fandom I’m being secretly watched and admired. Not “watch watch” as in my watchers, but I mean like...like someone who is secretly and discreetly looking at your gallery, knowing you for who you are and shiz, and think you’re actually a pretty cool guy. That sort of thing. Until this “secret friend” finally has the guts to speak to you. I dunno, just...sometimes I randomly get watched on FA or added on Telegram, and then I have a few people wanting to chat with me. I DON’T have a problem with that, though! Like...the Furry Fandom is full of surprises! So, there’s no telling who will end up being your friend...or fan! Perhaps maybe there may have been some good in the furry community because as they say, “focus on the positive instead of the negative”.

Alright, so...what sort of fate stores for me in 2019? What does 2019 have for me and the furry community? Will it be a whole lot better, like a redemption? Or will it be the mother of all shitfest? I know I tried to think positive and smile for a change, but there’s no telling how 2019 will be. I guess...it’s how you make of it? Who knows? When it comes to a brand new year, it can either be a “make it or break it” year. So, like, 2018 was probably a “break it” year. I guess for 2019 we’ll never know. Oh, well. As they always say, “live life to the fullest”. Welp, here’s to 2019, I guess.

Merry Christmas around the world! And a Happy New Year!

Hey, guys. Just went to and got back from work today. As of how I'm doing right now...I'm doing alright. Nonetheless, I just wanted to say...thank you. Those that gave me empathy via shouts, notes, or on Telegram...thank you for your empathy. Although, some of you that read and saw my last journal from yesterday are probably wondering why I disabled the comments. Well, to be honest, the reason why I disabled the comments yesterday was because...well...I kinda thought no one would care. I mean, my family has given me comfort, but seeing a few of those in the furry community who also gave me comfort...pretty much shows that I was TOO BLIND for not seeing it. Heck, and here I am thinking to myself that I'm a "disillusion".

Although, without further ado, again...thanks. For the two who went their way to spread the word about my loss (you know who you are), you didn't have to do that. However, I appreciate the support you've given me. So, thanks for that, as well. Nonetheless, as of right now, I'm moving on with my life already. And you know what? This morning my mom said how very proud she was for me staying strong. Of course, that's what my grandma also wanted, too. Apparently, it's still 2018 and November is about to come to a close. Thus, December will be arriving soon. I'm not sure what 2019 will be like, but...here's to hoping, I guess.

*sigh*...So...my mom picked me up from work today, and...she told me that Grandma...said that I am strong...and that I should help out with the family together. Let alone getting my grandma's house fixed together, as well. As much as I appreciate what my mom told me what my grandma said...well, I just arrived home...and there's my aunt Pam.

My aunt Pam shock her head, which is a sign saying something went down. And...my aunt Pam was moving her mouth which pretty much sounds like she's saying, "She's gone". My uncle's "girlfriend" came and gave me a hug, Christian and Pam seeing if I'm alright, and my mom...well, she's seeing if I'm alright, too...

I'ma be honest...half of me is alright, yet...half of me just...can't help but cry and accept the fact that it happened. Yes...as the journal hence...my grandma is gone. What can I say? I tried thinking positive, I prayed, tried keeping my hopes up, took good care of her and checking up on her, and...well...there's just nothing else me or anyone else can do. But, as like my grandma always tell me: "Think positive", "Enjoy life", "Continue being you", and most of all, "Stay strong".

Honestly, what I love about my grandmother...is that she knows who I am, and she ACCEPTED me for who I am. She even treats me the way I wanted to be treated, and knows that I'm growing up, too. No one else in my family knows who I am, let alone can't accept me for who I am either. In fact, right now my mom, aunt Pam, aunt Christian, and uncle Tim are being nice to me. But, like, I dunno. Maybe they DO love me, and I was blind to not see it. *sigh* Who knows?

But, nonetheless...I guess that's that then. Right now I'm home with my family, and well...I'm alright on the outside, but...upset on the inside. At least...what matters is I still have those who love and support me, right? I know I'm not really alone, right?

Well...guess it's time I moved on with my life. Don't know what I can do with myself now, but...I'm sure I'll find the way. Grandma...thanks for everything. And also...thanks for accepting me. Love you always.

Okay, so the other day when I was getting ready for work my mom asked me what do I want for Christmas. And you know what? Honestly...I don't know what I want for Christmas. I know that back in my days I used to play video games like all day, and my mom and grandma be telling me to stop playing video games all the time. Technically speaking, here I am as an adult, and like...I just don't feel like playing video games anymore. It's strange as you grow much older in your life. Nonetheless, yeah, I have no clue to what I want for Christmas. I mean, there's nothing in this world that I know what I want. So, I told my mom that all I want for Christmas is "to be happy".

Why did I say I want "Happiness" for Christmas? Because I feel like that's all I could ever want. I mean, as far as toys and games and shiz, I don't think they make me happy. But when it comes to REAL friends and family...yeah, perhaps THAT is what makes me happy. I mean, every day, I always imagine and see myself surrounded by friends and fam that love me for me, and that we all spend time together. I guess this is what Princess Tiana and her father, James, meant about "never lose sight of what's really important". Sometimes I do play games, and sometimes I do be on the Internet, but sometimes I feel like I want to go out and spend time with friends and family - laugh, chat, have fun, etc. Of course, my mom did say about next year we plan on going on a family vacation, again. Perhaps this time I might go to Florida with them since last year I haven't gone with them. Of course, I do remember that this year we went to Dave & Buster's like two times - one was for AJ's birthday and the other was for Unlimited Wings and Unlimited Games. *sigh* Good times.

But, yeah, when it comes to being an adult you just have no clue whatsoever what you want for Christmas. Like, to me...perhaps I already got what I wanted, and maybe there are those in the world who deserve better. Inb4, "It is more blessed to give than to receive".

Sooooo...Happy Saturday? I mean, if anyone likes a Saturday. Anyways, I've just ordered myself some Chinese today. And while Christian was downstairs talking with my mom apparently my food just came in as the dogs started barking. That was pretty quick for the delivery person. However, my aunt Christian was downstairs, sooooooo...yeah, she kinda found out I ordered something. Honestly, I didn't even see that delivery guy's car. Nonetheless, I paid up and got my food. So, I did tell Christian that I DID order me something to eat. And then Christian told me, "Oh, okay. Not a problem. I mean, it's okay. Like, you're an adult. So, you make your own decisions."

Honestly, that was pretty nice and supportive of my aunt to say that. I mean, it's true. I AM an adult, so...it's my life, which means only I make the decisions. I don't know if anyone else in my family agrees. Well, there's my grandmother - she agrees. Don't know about my aunt Pam and my mother. They should agree, too. Like, they need to realize that I'm growing up. I graduated from culinary school, got a job as a chef, and helping out with the family. I'M A FREAKIN' BUSY MAN!

But, yeah. It's pretty much true. As an adult, it is your life now, and only YOU can make the decisions yourself. No one in this world should have the right to control you and take over your life. And if some people can't take "No" for an answer, well then...they just need to deal with it. You may be someone's child, but those in your family need to respect and support the decisions you make and realize that you're growing up. Although, don't get TOO carried away with your freedom to do this and that. The world as we know it is still a fucked-up place, and there ARE those in the world who will do ANYTHING in their power to get what they want and ruin your life out of hate and envy. And those kind of people are NOT to be friends with. So, it's best to stop, think, and choose wisely on what you should do BEFORE you start making your move.

Now, then...*gets my chopsticks* CHOW TIME!