I stopped caring.

No more of this "OMG Obama!" bull shit.

He won. hooray. ok.
settle that shit down.

side note, I also stopped caring for my own personal health. hooray!
My whole body was in so much pain, i could barely move, but I realized, almost no one else cared, so I stopped caring ,and I found out I could finally move and ignore the pain.

This brought me to remember, I use to never feel pain, then everyone started telling me how I don't show emotions and that I should start thinking of myself more often and start to feel. I did, all that happened was I got hurt. By others, by life, by the cars and the knives and the fatigue.

so if I don't care much, I won't be hurt anymore.

just announcing this to those who look at my journal at all.
I'm trying not to contact anyone much anymore. why? because no one really talks to me. either out of being too busy or because they're just not in a talkative mood or just don't have anything to say. I'm not threatening or saying "OMG no one wants to talk to me boo hoo hoo" no, I'm saying "oh, ok. so instead of wasting both our times, I just won't message you anymore."
if you choose to forget me then, ok. if you don't want to talk to me anymore, say so and I'll make it as if I don't exist. I'm not going to bother people.

Announcement over.

Ok, first the Heckler bit, if any of you know where this joke is from, please say now X3 if you don't, oh well =p

Anyways, hey did you know I'm apparently stalking  leonclaus if you didn't know, join the club, 'cuz I didn't know either! XD Rumor has it flying around that I copy most of his comments and talks with other people! OMG I'm such a sicko! whoo~

In case none of you remember who he is, I drew about 2 pics for him ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1026576/ ) ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/983189/ )when we were still talking on MSN and www.gaiaonline.com
we were friends. when did we stop being friends? apparently during a time I wasn't aware of. Oh, but I must have something around here, I am stalking him of course! har har har.

Anyways, sarcastic remarks aside, no. I am not stalking you. I copied one thing. One thing only. I was in a depressed state and I replied to a journal he deleted. When I found out it was deleted, i saved it so i can look over what I said, and want to figure out what was wrong with me. What was going on in my head. So I study myself, my words, my writing style, etc;.
Stop being egotistical.

I do miss our friendship, that thing you stopped without telling me, but as many of my older friends have done, yeah, I'm pretty use to it. So stop thinking I'm copying your shit. Stop acting like I'm your stalker.

Side note, i am stalking how ever:







and so on...

Meme time! X3
1. You must tag atleast 3 other people.
2. You CANT retag someone >.< because thats just silly >.>;
3. You must tell the person you tagged that you tagged them :P

1. What does Hallowe'en mean to you?
it means we can go out dressed in anyway and get complimented for it X3 no matter how bizarre it is to general societies out looks. ^^ plus candy!! candy galore!!

2. What is the best song that would sum up Hallowe'en for you? (If you cant figure out one song make up a list of five maximum o.o)
Halloween the movie theme.
Exorcist theme.
Silent Hill OST

3. Whats the worse thing to happen to you on Hallowe'en?
getting shot

4. Whats the worse candy that you've ever gotten on a trick or treating raid?
half eaten taffy.

5. What movies do you think make up for the best all night spooktacular Hallowe'en video marathon?
Halloween 1-2, 4-H2O
Any Japanese Horror Film in its original form.

6. What movie would you never ever want to miss seeing at Hallowe'en?
Hocus Pocus TwT
Halloween 1

7. Do you like to listen to Hallowe'en themed music during October?
yes X3

8. Now for something completely different. Do you believe in ghosts?
sometimes. But my logical side doesn't really let me all the time.

9. If you answered yes have you ever seen, heard, or felt a ghost?
a few times, but I can lead those up to lack of sleep, or was sleeping, or just bad luck and someone broke into the house again >.>;

10. What about other things that go bump in the night?
things don't normally scare me unless they hit that paranoia stage.

11. Tell me about something that scared you during Hallowe'en.
a guy put a gun to my face.

12. Where is the scariest place you've been on Hallowe'en?
inside my own head.

3 people I tag, but don't need to do anything:

 tseng39

Ok, so yesterday was a drag.
With some jerk on the subway punching me in the gut because I was behind him while walking down some stairs starting off my morning with annoyance, and the Puertorican parade making take an extra hour to get to work, if you're not counting or don't care, that's 4 hours to get to work. I originally have to take 3 hours, but thanks to that I had an extra hour of resting to let my body heal. I slept for that 2 hours on the bus.

I got to work, tired, there was a long line. That line didn't die down either. I had no chances for a break, but everyone around me got a break so they can smoke, but because I don't smoke, I didn't get any breaks.

While all the people who kept pushing and shoving and complaining that they ordered their drink 32 seconds ago and that it's not in their hands at that second, they deserve it for free, I sat there and counted just about everyone who walked in while I was working. I stopped counting around 300 and gave up.

When I got to go home I had to stay and help clean up, then I got home at 1 am, even though I left work around 8. The reason? the buses didn't feel like driving all the way to where they were suppose to be, and once again the drivers left their seats to smoke. And people wonder why I hate smoking. So I walked for 2 hours to get home.

That was my yesterday, what I'm willing to talk about.

On Another Note!
I want to be a furry journalist. I want to interview some artists and get some info on events and other things like that and start up a magazine. a Free magazine that I can hand out to those who help me out. Sort of Like Heat just with more interviewing of many people and less porn... wait, no one would care then, would they? well, either way, I want to create a magazine type thing.

I got home pretty late and soaking wet last night and that new cat kept clawing my legs so i had no sleep again and people here keep harrassing me. but i still remember how fun last night was. now i need to go back to work. love you all.

Hi, I is back.
I splurged some of my money on Mangas and things and now I feel a bit better.

Mew, my knee is acting up again, but oh well. I'm going to see if I can request a bit more time off of work, the people there are getting on my nerves. Which is usually a hard and rare thing to do >.>;

Anyways, sorry for all the emo pics recently. The darker side of Naota was showing a bit, and I didn't want anyone to see the true terror behind the one known as Naota.

I will try and get some pics done, but most of them may have to be hand drawn. Sorry about that.

Thank you everyone who showed concern for me. it meant a lot to me.

Just as the title states my internet was shut down last night. Dont know when im getting it back. on my PsP right now at work.

Just watch it.

Just. Watch. It.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=189QSTKC5no

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?
(I'm not okay)
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means
(I'm not okay)
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out

Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)

But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

I'm not okay
I'm not okay
Well, I'm not okay
I'm not o-fucking-kay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
(Okay)

Things aren't going so well for the mental condition of the subject.

testing...

Unclear.

Stabilization after R&R.


Hiatus.

(title from a MSI song )

ok, so more emo from me, yay. for those who don't care for more FA drama just go away. just don't read, you don't care, so why bother reading?

Anyways, my grand mom is doing somewhat better but her mind is sort of lost.
I can't find much time at all to be on the computer due to my older brother and work.
I want to draw but I can't find the time to, I want to sleep but my nightmares and the tired body won't let me most the time.

And when I'm tired like this, I either become more sexual in my thoughts or I become more darker.

For instance: I'm now wondering why is it so many say they like my art, and I've only ever seen my name in  cougarleon fav artists list?

why is it I have a few people who say they like my style and yet never comment on my pics? especially the ones that matter to me the most? why is it when I'm sad or lonely, all anyone says is "I'm sorry" then just stop talking?

I know I know, I don't have any right to talk right? does it matter what I think? damn, stupid emo drama is always clouding my thoughts, and I bet, the people I want to reply to this the most, won't reply at all. I bet they don't notice it, how many times do they come to my page anyways?

if you know who I'm talking about, then don't say anything. if you don't, get a clue.

I'm too damn stupid, most of this may seem like repressed ramblings of a drama attention whoring artist or some shit like that... but.. I just feel really lonely. my body aches.. and I feel so lonely.

Ok, good news and bad news and bad news ^^;;

so I'll do this like the sandwich thing! X3

Ok:
One Bad Thing:
I cried at work! yay! I hid it well, but I sat on my 10 minute break crying. no one caught me crying either ^^;;
I'm not all too sure why i cried. was it that things are going horribly? is it because of the self doubt in my person of being? is it that my family's life is so random and messed up? was it the homeless people I had to pass, not having any money to spare, and feeling worried for them? was it the woman who couldn't stop shaking and had a horrible life, who smiled up at me, and made me feel like my problems are shit? I sat with her and talked to her, made sure she enjoyed her sandwich and in case she needed something, i helped out. That made me feel a little better since no one was helping her shaking hand hold her coffee.

The good:
 gideon helped me out last night while I was chatting with him, and he helped me fix the problem with Hot Cider Press. I should be getting my comic soon hopefully.

The Bad:
My grand mom is in the hospital, may need open heart surgery, she is getting something else done first, if that fails, the heart surgery is what she needs. other wise she should be fine. According to the upcoming new doctor of FA  tseng39 he said that the first thing should work.
other then that, I need to take care of everything at home for the time being. it's just me, my older brother who is partially useless >.>;;
and my younger sister who is a punk/rebel and stays out way too late. My cousin who brings as many girlfriends over to f*ck loudly. so things have been stressful. my head has been hurting.

that is my life for the time being.
sorry for the emo.

wheeeee~ FA is back.
Whoopee! *sarcasm*

Anyway, yeah. Welcome back FA. here have a cookie.
eat it.
it's tasty.

drink some milk with it. love it.

Finished? ok then.

So I got a job at King of Prussia. I'm now a "Barista" at Star Bucks in the court. whoo!
anyways, yeah, my work hours have been keeping me from the computer. So it has been hard to get anything done. sorry everybody.

Also, I'm sorry to say that with how everything is, I need to Nuke the submissions list I have been growing, it's now over 1 million, and I need to keep it clean so I can actually go through it all. so... *presses the nuke button*

now that I have murdered the submission list, I can get on with other details.

I pre-ordered the cocktails summer 2008 comic. I paid for it, I even have the ticket thing to say I did. Ok, I can understand them saying I would receive it after Anthrocon, in July, ok. I waited. Nothing. So I sent a message to Hot Cider Press to see if I can confirm it was actually shipped out. Once it's shipped, I know it's not their problem, it's all up to UPS. But I got no e-mail or anything back.

Ok, so I wait, and after a few days, I send another one, maybe my last one was never fully sent through. I just wanna know if it was actually shipped out. Ok, so I don't get any message back. So I check it out, and others got their issues, but I never did. so I send another message, and nothing still. Can anyone tell me if this is right? anything I can do?

No one from Hot Cider will respond to me. What kind of service is that?

ANyways, other then that, I will be doing most of my pics on pencil and paper now, since my brother won't let me on as much anymore, and Work has me by the balls. I'll try my best to update with many things mew.

Anyways, Life has been annoying >.<;

I've been trying to find the chance to get back on the comp to try and finish the pics I owe. I'm really sorry everyone I owe pics to. I'll try to finish them as soon as I can.

Life things: I've been trying to get this job at king of prussia mall, and it's really annoying. I haven't been able to get much on the comp when I get home because my brother won't get off.
My family seems to enjoy anniversaries and weddings all at the same time. Right after getting out of my dad's wedding, I had to do something with an uncles anniversary, after that, my aunt has a birthday, after that I try to get in some time for work finding, and this whole time, everyone I meet calls me fat. -__-;

so while also trying to keep my health up and doing what everyone expects of me, I'm trying to relax, but get my pics done. On a bright side, I got the Death Note: Another Note, the BB los angelas murder cases and I read it on my times on the bus or waiting.

Oh right, and since no one ever feels like driving me to where I need to go, I need to spend about 3-4 hours waiting and taking buses, when if someone drove me it would take less then 20 minutes. No one would teach me or help me learn to drive, so that's another thing I need to learn by myself.

I just needed some place to rant for a minute ^^; everyone get back to your meaningful lives and crud.

Ok, so yes, I've been working on everyone's pics when I can. I've been getting this down feeling and my art hands been off, like really off lately.

I want to practice more with it, like draw on OC with who ever I can. I need to practice some more angle's and poses. I practice and feel better when drawing with someone else to help give me ideas.

I've also been trying to learn how to use Photoshop, but so far I can't figure things out after a while of dicking around with it. So far no one will teach me either. I've looked up videos and usually all of them are speed run through on how they draw, but not teaching you on the utensils. I know I know, i can look up on certain things in order to do it, hell my brother has a book and a how to CD laying about somewhere, but the CD won't work, and I can't find the book.

So if anyone who is willing to be nice out there who would like to teach me how to use Photshop or want to OC with me and give me fresh new ideas on how to do things, that would be great. ^^

ok, so I'm doing all the commissions I can at the moment, please be patient everyone. I've been feeling rather sick and tired lately, my body is awkward for right now and I'm resting up.

other news, my art has been suffering >.<; I can't seem to be drawing well, so I'm taking my time on the pics so they can come out as best as they can.

Also, first time I have ever changed my AV on FA!
if you're counting that's about 2 years now. wow, it'll feel weird. without people asking about teh yaoi TwT

well, thank  tseng39 for my new av x3 he's trying new styles, go show him your love.

Ok, I have over 10k views! congrats to me. yay! *slaps for self*

mew, ok not only that I have pre-ordered
http://shop.clubstripes.com/shop/in.....products_id=68
yeah!!!! *jumps up*
mew whew X3 I really hope no one else pic sit up when I get it XD

anyways, I have a few more pics to get done t pay this stuff off XD
mew but I'm too lazy right now to post up the info right now ^^;

thank you all so much! *hugs everyone*

OMG 10k!? who will get a free picters from me!? D=

hurry up people X3

mew mew mew mew mew mew mew mew
I NEED this!!! O.o
commission me now and I'll give away a free chibi art with what ever you buy!
meow, pleeease!? I want it so badly X3

I'll draw anything for this right now x3

new updates on the gift art:
 kazelionpawz - 100% done
 dwarfninjas - 1%
 skunkman001 - 100%


please buy some art >.<; I will draw a free chibi anything you wish for free with what ever you buy!

Ok, so yeah, I got 2 winners for the 9000 contest.
1,  kazelionpawz
2,  dwarfninjas

they got it in at the exact same time, freaky, I know >.>;
anyways, I'll draw their pics. Not only that, I'm opening up 5 commission slots, I will draw anything you desire, for a price X3 come on, hit me up, send me a note, ask for something, I'm begging O.o

Seriously, I'll draw gay! I'll draw lesbians! I'll draw macro/micro/some what vore! come on people!

Not only that, I'll be ending my other contest soon. I only got 1 entry.

Ok, so I'm finally going to do commissions for cash!
I'll do anything! excluding: Scat, Messy Diapers, and amputations. I may say a few more later when it comes to me. my prices for right now are:

pencil Sketches - 4$
hand inked sketches - 8$
Digital Sketch - 4$
Digital coloring- 8$

each additional person would be 2$ and back ground would be an extra 5$.
I may change these later, depending on how I feel about it. tell me what you think ^^

Also, I'm going through all the notes and things I have to finish some free art I was giving out. I may also do a few more contests to give away free arts ^^

my paypal email is: ArtemisEngel[at]Gmail.com

hope someone buys ^^


EDIT:
who ever gets a screen capture of my 9k views, will win a free pic! X3

So  tseng39 tagged me with the Fetish Meme >.<; go to his page and hurt him >.>

You're imagining this24/7:
nope. my imaginations usually involve fighting or animated scenes I would like to create using music.

(Total Power Exchange)? -
not sure what this is asking.

Abasiophilia (Casts, Braces, Wheelchairs) -
where do you people get these fetishes from!?

Age Play? -
I like Shota, because I think it's cute in anime or art.

Adult Baby/AB Parent? -
no

Algolagnia (Pleasure derived from physical pain)?
not really.

Amputee Fetishism (Amputation/Deformity)? -
I don't have a fetish for it, but I would love to friggin kick the persons arse who came up with this.

Anal Sex? -
as long as there is no blood involved or scat

Andromimetophilia (Androgeny)? -
what now?

Arse (Ass Play, Worship)? -
no

Asphyxiaphilia (Breath Play, Choking)?
I wouldn't get off on it, but if someone ever asked me to do it, I would make sure they died from it. The world is better off without idiots.

Balloons? -
idiots.

Bestiality/Zoophilia? -
only if the animal tears them to shreds if they tried.No for me.

Beating (Flogs, Whips, Canes, etc.)?
no.

Biastophilia-
sometimes, if it's role played, but not by me.

Biting/Teeth? -
yes

Blood (Drawing Blood, Cutting, etc.)?
only when I do it.

Body Hair? -
not really.

Body Modification (Tattoos, Branding, Piercings, Scarification, etc.)?
barely piercings.

Bondage (Blind folds, Gags, Restraints)? -
no, it's really boring.

Breast/Nipple Torture, Clamps, etc.?
no

Candle Wax?
only if I get hair off my body in the process, safely.

Chains? -
only if I'm using them.

Chastity Devices? -
idiotic.

Chinese Balls/Ben Wa Balls/Anal Beads?
not for me.

Cling Film/Plastic Wrap?
idiotic

Cock and Ball Torture, Clamps, etc.?
really stupid to me. ok, maybe a cock ring, but that's it.

Collar and Lead/Leash? -
only if the person doesn't pull on me like I'm some undignified jack ass.

Confinement/Caging? -
boring

Coprophilia (Shit Play/Scat)?
unsanitary, and I don't give a damn what anyone says.

Costumes (Period, Fetish, etc.)?
eh

Cross Dressing?
dress code is idiotic. just because some people say "this only goes on this gender" we all have to follow that?what God made putting on a skirt a sin?

Cupping (Suction of the Skin)? -
no

Dacryphilia (Arousal from Tears)?
sounds like some a-hole type of thing.

Defilement (Seeing a partner dirty or wet)? -
no

Denim? -
I like Jeans, but how is that fetish? what is wrong with everyone!?

Depilation/Shaving? -
w/e

Diapers/Diaper Lover?
stupid

Dildos (Hand-held, Strap-ons)?
boring most the time

Discipline? -
I'm not a dog.

Doctor/Nurse Fetish? -
Nurse's remind me of Silent Hill O.o

Domination? -
depends

Ears? -
do these things get really retarded or what?

Electrotorture (EMS TENS units)?
not much.

Emetophilia (Vomit, Regurgitation)?
people are stupid.

Erotic Photography? -
sometimes it's the only safe thing.

Exhibitionism/Sex In Public? -
a bit >.>

Feathers? -
boring

Pyrophilia (Fire Play)? -
seriously, I want a whole group of these people to get together for some convention and lights themselves on fire and burn down to death.

Fisting? -
only if I'm wearing a glove and pull out your brain from the other end.

Food Play?
nah

Fuck Machines/Robots?
the end will come from robotic destruction!

Furry/Fur Fetishism? -
what site is this!? is it just me or is it not called "Fur Affinity" as in the affinity for fur!? what kind of stupid question is this?

Gangbangs?
maybe >.> but usually only in fantasies.

Genital Worship? -
no

Guns (Gun Play, Worship)?
same as pyros, get a bunch together and have them shoot each other. dumb asses.

Hair Pulling? -
eh, not too hard, if I was bottom.

Handcuffs/Shackles? -
sometimes.

Harnesses?
unless I'm sleeping on it like a hammock.

High Heels/Stilettos?
no

Humiliation? -
stupid

Infantilism (Pacifiers/Bottles, etc.)?
no

Kidnapping Play? -
XD

Klismaphilia (Douching/Enema)? -
idiots.

Knives (Razors, Swords, other blades)?
I love them, but not in a sexual way your morons.

Lace/Lingerie? -
yes

Latex? -
eh

Leather? -
only in drawings.

Making Home "Movies"?
maybe

Masks (Erotic/Gas Masks, etc.)?
idiotic

Masochism? -
slightly

Massage? -
yes.

Master/Slave? -
eh, I'm not the type to enjoy it, unless it's an actual "get me a soda and sandwich. sit and be a foot stool, go get my paper. shut the hell up and do my work"

Masturbation (Mutual or Forced)?
yes

Medical Scenes/Equipment?
eh

Menstruation (Sex During, Eating, etc.)?
no

Murder Fetishism?
no, but I'm thinking it over >.>
still no. I wouldn't get off on it.

Military Fetish/Uniforms? -
eh

Milk Fetishism/Lactation? -
no

Necrophilia (Death, Corpses)? -
boooooring

Nipples? -
sure

Oral Fixations? -
egeh?

Oral Sex? -
sometimes

Pain (Giving/Receiving)?
no

Piercings? -
no, unless I'm piercing with my teeth

Pinching? -
who gets off on this crap?

Play Piercing/Needle Play? -
no

Plushophilia (Stuffed animals, Plushies)? -
that's messy and unsanitary.

Podophilia (Foot Fetish)? -
not really

Power Exchange?
wrestling?

Pregnancy Fetishism? -
no

Punishment? -
no

The Rack/Medieval Devices?
*sheaks head disappointed in mankind*

Raptophilia (Sexual arousal from being raped)?
maybe, but that might not be helped.

Religious (Nunplay, Priestplay)?
no

Retifism (Shoes or Boots)?
no

Rimming?
sure

Role Playing? -
not much only when in the mood.

Rubber? -
no

Sadism?
meh...

Scent? -
sometimes

Sensory Deprivation?
can I gouge out your eyes? idiots

Smoking Fetishism? -
no

Spanking/Paddling? -
eh

Statuephilia (Mannequins, Dolls, etc.)?
no

Stockings/Fishnets/Pantyhose? -
maybe, not sure.

Talking Dirty/Verbal Humiliation/Abuse? -
stupid stupid stupid

Tickling? -
no

Tongue Fetish? -
how does that work? do you like look at it? if it's used in oral sex, wouldn't that be oral sex? if it's used in kissing, wouldn't that just be kissing? what the hell?

Toys (Buttplugs, Vibrators, etc.)?
not really no

Transvestism?
eh

Urolagnia (Water Sports/Urine?)
not really.

Violence/Physical Injury?
no

Voyeurism?
yes

Wrestling/Fighting?
yes

Zombies/Gore?
no


now that "that" is over, the contest is still going from my last journal. So far we have one entry. from  raimini

in case I offended anyone in this meme, or who ever actually reads this crap: I don't care. My opinions on these things. they don't have to matter to you at all, if you choose to like things I don't, ok sure, I don't care. I might be doing this in a state of anger/sadness, but who cares, right? go off and enjoy your damn fetish.

Audi famam illius.
Solus in hostes ruit
et patriam servavit.

Audi famam illius.
Cucurrit quaeque tetigit destruens.

Audi famam illius.
Audi famam illius.

Spes omnibus,mihi quoque.
Terror omnibus,mihi quoque.

Ille
iuxta me.
Ille iuxta me.

Socii sunt mihi.
qui olim viri fortes
rivalesque erant.
Saeve certando pugnandoque
sprendor crescit.

__________________________________________________________________________________
Contest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbtqmAOwfS0

Make a picture using these lyrics. Nothing involving Smash Brothers or anyone in it. The winner will get a full out pic done by me. Back ground, and up to 3 people in it. fully colored and all the works X3 think you can do it? or maybe you just don't care? anyways, let's see what you got.

Rules are:
1. you must use my character Naota ( http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1208510/ -> the one on the right. )
2. any outfit (or nothing, your choice).
3. Must somehow be related to the lyrics =p
4.I will only post up the English lyrics (or what ever language you speak) when you enter the contest.
5. doesn't have to be colored, nor will it be judged by color. no back ground is needed.

Hope someone enters this contest =p

Ok, first of all, I'd like to apologize for my last journal. I really didn't mean to imply that I'm stressed over drawing free art. I was just saying that I don't get paid for it. Money is a huge issue here at home, and I want to help my family out.

I was only complaining that my art isn't good enough to pay for, if people can get it for free, why would they pay for it? besides it's not like I'm some expert or anything. Who would pay anything for my art?

Ugh, sorry, not going down that row.

I'm sorry if anyone was worried, or if anyone thinks I'm upset at them. I was just dealing with built up stress, and I'm trying to relax. My stomach is calming down a bit.


I hope you all enjoy the pieces I'm working on right now. Trying new poses and things I haven't tried before.

I have 7777 page views, thanks a bunch everyone.

I'm feeling rather down, and things have made me stressed out, I think I'm going to vomit blood again. not sure. but I hope to be able to finish the requests that I owe people, and the tarot cards I've been working on.


WARNING: Cildish Drama Ahead. Forget about this Journal, go get a cup of hot coacoa and cake. Enjoy your day.


If I can be able to finally get my own comp or the laptp working again, I may be able to finish things a lot sooner, but as it seems, my luck isn't like others. I don't get paid for my pictures, I try to get a job, but for some reason, I can't. I try to keep so many people happy, but everyone always wants more then I can give. I'm drawing to the point where I'll just stop. I'll stop the pain, stop the vomit of blood, stop the white hair from growing. No one will be happy.

I'm not talking about suicide, I've gone past that part. So don't worry pessimists, or those who cares. I've got school to go through, I've got a porr family to deal with, I've got people who continously ask for things, or just need me to do things for them. I'm trying to be happy, trying to be optimistic.. shit, screw it. People will probably just complain this is another drama filled furry here. People will all say the samething of "I hope things go better" but usually after those words, everyone goes off and looks at furry porn, or just go off to be happy. No one tries.

Damn Damn damn, what's the point!? No one here would actually try something, I'm not worth a damn, and none of this is anyone elses problem. This is all my problem, and no one really has to care at all. I can't get a job, shit, that's my fault, it's all my fault because I suck. No, I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, or pitty, nor am I trying to guilt anyone. Hell stop reading this right now, this is all just my problems, and I really need to write this out. something about hitting the keys on this desktop just helps me feel better.

There's no point in me bitching, nothing will change, nothing will stop this pain from churning my insides until they twist into a not, waiting for the next person to turn it until it all explodes, and all that gushing blood of pure depression makes me fall into my own pile of shitty vomit. You can tell me how much you care, or that you worry, but do you really try? is it in what you want? will just a few words actually change anything? who knows.

None of this matters to anyone else but me, no one has to worry, no even has to say a thing, or read this. Because all in all, what does it matter? I draw for free, randomly picking people I like and draw them, just to make them happy. But yeah, I don't get paid, that's my fault. All of it is my fault, and I'm just going to take it all. I will take the pain, I probably deserve it for some reason. I'm a bad person.. right?

thank you for the Page Views.

Ok, first let me start off with: How come I hear so many complaints on Christmas, Valentines day and any holiday that involves giving presents to loved ones or being with someone when you have someone to be with, but when it comes to 420 or ST. Patrick's day, or any other self indulgence of some narcotics or alcohol without thinking of others day there is not many complaints?

secondly: I will be getting back into drawing more soon, I promise. I'm going to try and do the comic more soon as well. sorry I postponed it for a bit. not that anyone was actually looking forward to it. Also, I would like to say sorry to those who I owe pics to. I'm trying to get back into drawing...

I've also wanted to make my own Furry Tarot cards, and would enjoy it if anyone would like to offer their character to be a part of the series. Just write your character, give a reference and I'll see what your card your character can be. I'll need 23 people.

thank you.

EDIT: Give me a detail description on what your fursona's personality is like, that way i can find what card is best suited for you.