nothing else to say

My chapters are regularly getting so long that they do not fit in FA's submission description box (whose wordlimit seems to be around 10K words). While I will continue uploading PDFs (and endorse that the canonical/"official" way to read my stories) I am probably going to start uploading stories to google docs or something, and/or providing links to .txt versions if you want that for whatever reason (for instance, if you want to translate my stories with deepl such as kruso does). I know a lot of people like reading the story the moment they click on it but with google docs or something similar it's only one extra click and the formatting is preserved.

Spectral Star Wishes chapter 3 is basically complete. Chapter 4 is about halfway done. Chronicles of the Going Home Club episode 7 is nearing the finish line, but it really is a big-ass mess. Oh well, sometimes a show just has a bad episode or two while stumbling to the next plot, lol.

hell yeah

I am very sorry on how late I have been with commissions and writing in general. I had a big burst of writing energy my first few weeks of work, but my sleep schedule has been constantly slipping. I'm gonna take actions to fix it so I don't wake up two hours before work absolutely exhausted so much I can't do anything or think at all. Even on days off work I'm a zombie. This is something I think I can fix, though.

Once again, sorry. Working on it.

Well, why not ask me something? Note that I work today so I might take an eternity to answer unless I take a long bathroom break XP

COMMISSIONS CLOSED NOW! Sorry if you couldn't get a slot, I'll open them eventually when these are cleared out!

I'm at an impasse with my personal work so I'm gonna take some comms to clear my head and flex my writing muscles in a different way. And now a copy-paste from my last commission journal:

My prices are simple: 100 words per $1.2, so a 5000 word story is about $60. I will estimate how much wordcount the story will need. There is technically no limit on how much the story can be, but please do not commission a like $200 story from me UNLESS you are willing to wait a decent fraction of a year.

(NOTE: I have constantly run over my estimated wordcount in many of my comms. I am sorry, but my estimates going to be about $10-$20 more expensive than before. I like writing stories for you all, but I can't write 60 dollar stories for half that, sorry.)

I would normally have a huge-ass list of kinks I do but frankly you know: I like diapers, babyfur, abdl, messing, regression, blah blah blah. I can do vore (oral ONLY) too, especially combined with diaper disposal. Note me if you are interested.

Upfront payment only, paypal only. I will provide previews to make sure the story is proceeding the way you want it to.

I am the ultimate decider on what I want to write. I am quite flexible, don't worry!

SLOTS:

1: ($15)

2:  juubinoookami ($50)

3:  foxy-dl ($40)

My job has made me write more. I'm not QUITE sure why, but I often spend at least an hour or two (or even three rarely) writing before work, and I write nearly every day after work too. Despite how it may not look it, my output has increased, it's just that the chapters for my current personal stories are ballooning out of control in size as I have said countless times.

Now, does that mean I'll take more commissions? I'm not sure yet--commissions require a lot more mental work than writing for myself, as I always have to judge if I'm following the commissioner's wishes in a way I obviously don't when writing for myself. Not that I don't enjoy writing commissions--they can be great fun! It's just that my improved output may not be as dramatic when writing for other people. Still, with this extra output, I MAY open them again. Keep an eye out for that if you want one. I still will not have many slots, for the record.

I will probably wait till I finish Chronicles episode 7 or Spectral Star Wishes chapter 2 before I make my final decision. Now that writing comms would be a side income for me (thanks to my job), it seems surprising that I may want to do them more, but as I said, this job has turned writing from a mere fun hobby to thankful relief from the crushing monotony of washing dishes and way of clearing my head before 10-hour shifts each day.

Side note: holy crap, 25 faves on Deal with the Devil? Thanks guys, that's kinda nuts. My personal stories struggle to get above 10 per chapter lol

As Spectral Star Wishes chapters 2 and 3 both eclipse 16K words and aren't even finished yet, I'm wondering this. I write extremely long chapters in comparison to pretty much everyone. I don't know if my lack of popularity comes from these absurd doorstopper chapters, or something else.

I dunno. I'm just long-winded and the long time between each chapter means I need them to be kinda long anyway. Both Chronicles of the Going Home Club and Spectral Star Wishes are slow slice-of-life stories anyway (well SSW is one now...)

I wonder if it even matters with my low readership. I write these stories for my own sake, frankly--even if I had none I would still write them.

I've been writing feverishly this past week and decided to go over my earlier writing. Chronicles of the Going Home Club is truly a complete mess. The first few chapters feel like they came from a completely different story. Characters have different personalities, many details were retconned without a single word from me in later chapters (because I didn't even realize I was retconning anything), and the tone is very very heavily tilted in the "goofy comedy cartoon" direction, completely at odds with the babyfur teenage soap opera it just slowly mutated into.

I'm gonna try to bring some of that flavor into the story, though. I think it could do to be a bit goofier. Chapter 7 is pretty much just gonna be silly comedy, so look forward to that!

Not much else to say. I had a complete mental breakdown at work today and ran out shouting that I'm quitting, only to have to come back because one of my wireless headphones had fallen out, at which point that my manager got to me and we had a conversation. I'm debating just calling in sick tomorrow, but I'm not sure that's a good idea right now. Might take it, though. I need a break, somehow.

As for writing, I finished a commission yesterday and will post it soon. Chronicles of the Going Home Club is on a sorta-hiatus as I watch schlocky trash like Riverdale to turn it into, well, babyfur Riverdale, because that's pretty much what it's going to inevitably end up being. Spectral Star Wishes chapter two is fifty fucking pages long and NOT DONE YET, so much so that I moved onto chapter 3 and that is ALSO shaping up to be insanely long too. If not for Chronicles, SSW would absolutely be the longest thing I've written yet. Shit, I think it's close to Chronicles and the former has like 4 goddamn more chapters.

Side note: fuck, these things are long. Chronicles of the Going Home Club is approaching novella length and by the time of the big emotional event at the end of the first arc it is actually going to just literally be a fucking babyfur novel. I am writing a multi-novel babyfur soap opera, and ANOTHER BABYFUR NOVEL ALONGSIDE IT. Madness.

Trials and tribulations. In any case: four days off in a row and my first paycheck on Tuesday. I will try to save a majority of it, but you may see some more art on my page eventually~!

Also you and your bonkers chri-stain sycophants are something else.

Gonna make this really short as I need to go to bed but I didn't hate today anywhere near as much. See, there's three jobs in the dishwashing station here (I assume most restaurants are similar):

-the guy who cleans the cookware and delivers it back to the cooks. This one sucks and is just a conga line of burning yourself and I will do everything in my power to not do it

-the guy who sprays the dishes the customers eat off of and other stuff and feeds it into the dishwasher

-the guy who takes the stuff from the dishwasher and puts it where it needs to go

I monopolized the second job and it was so much better. It was still miserably monotonous and way too long, but bearable. Other things I learned:

Firstly, while there are no mandatory work break laws in texas that doesn't prevent piss breaks. Take absurdly long ones. I did like two twenty-minute ones and didn't get in trouble lmao

Secondly, bail early on in the closing period or the manager will rope you into cleaning like half the fucking kitchen. The other two dishwashers just bailed at the end and left me on the rope. Gotta incorporate that into my strats now.

It's been tough for me to write lately, and my job is both a curse and a blessing. On one hand, I actually now want to write when not working because it's solace from this hell, on the other, it cuts into my available writing hours. Ah well.

Chronicles of the Going Home Club: This has fallen off to the wayside quite a bit. It's not cancelled, but SSW has been taking so much of my time and headspace. It'll come back eventually.

Spectral Star Wishes: What's taking up the majority of my writing time. Chapter 2 is a behemoth that's nearly 40 pages long right now and is going to be even longer when it's finished. I may split it into two, but I can't really find a good point to split it. This story is going to pretty much be a babyfur novel by the time I'm done with it. Also I've retconned Etoile's appearance, she's now a blue cat with orange and white markings.

Little Shining Star: on indefinite hiatus as it's a pseudo-sequel to Spectral Star Wishes and several mundane elements of it are huge plot spoilers for SSW (on the other hand, those might raise interesting questions).

Commissions: of the one I currently have right now I am plugging through it. So sorry it's taken so long. I may take some more to afford ubers to and from work until I start getting paid.

The bad news just keeps coming.

I did my first shift last night. As I said before, I was hired as a dishwasher. I spent from 4pm to 1:30am in the morning cleaning dishes and hauling crap all around the kitchen. I got no breaks, because Texas doesn't have a mandatory break law, so I was standing on my feet or carrying very heavy things everywhere. I got burned like ten times including one on my right thumb so bad it still feels raw when I touch it today. I woke up today with my arms and fingers aching like hell. Of the other three dishwashers two are chill and cool and one, while very helpful, is also a fucking dick who made me clean half the damn kitchen at 1 in the morning while he just chilled. Also he took like two breaks (somehow) and left me and the other dude to deal with the miles of dishes. How the fuck do so many people eat at a damn restaurant!?

I frankly want to quit already. Living in an abusive household with no money might seriously be preferable to this. I want to do nothing *less* than going back today, because I have another 4pm-1am shift, and have TWO MORE after that. I have to take an uber home because the bus stops running at midnight here. I told my manager to give me more day shifts so I can take the bus home. Also day shifts would probably be easier especially on the weekdays. He said he'd look into it. Still, I've got to do three of these brutal weekend night shifts (friday + the weekend) in a row and then I'm praying Monday won't be as bad. I have Tuesday through Thursday off, but then again I only have Tuesday and Wednesday off because I'm getting the second shot of the COVID vaccine.

The money is the only thing keeping me going through this agonizing alienating hell. I think I'm gonna pick up a drinking habit because that's the only way I'll be sane through this.

I got work in three hours (technically four, but I have to leave an hour before to catch the bus to work). See ya.

I quit art. I have become fully blackpilled that I am and always will be fucking terrible at it. I fell for the lie that anyone can do anything with enough effort and look at where it's gotten me. I have one in progress piece I'll finish and then I'm washing my hands of this abortion of a hobby.

Fuck.

I hate everything.

None of my dreams ever come true.

why

I went to my workplace to learn when the orientation was happening. It turned out my manager actually wanted me to come in LAST wednesday and I just misheard him. In any case, he was totally chill with it and told me to come in friday...and then I'm thrown to wolves on the most intense day they have each week. Fun!

I must have used all my good luck up with that because while walking to a nearby whataburger to grab some lunch I tripped on the sidewalk, faceplanted into the ground, and busted my hand and leg open in like four different places. That was nearly 10 hours ago and my leg and shoulder still hurt. Ow.

I had another interview today with a restaurant for a dishwasher position. The start was a disaster as the dude couldn't find my application, but I soldiered on anyway. Then he got another manager to do a second one. At the end he said "I can start you at $13 an hour, get your food handler's license and come in next Thursday for your orientation", so I think I do have a job! It's 3-4 days a week at that hourly wage. Wish me luck.

What else is there to say.

I'm really not a fan of the whole "paste the whole-ass story in the description" thing (especially as my chapters can often be so long as to go BEYOND FA's word limit in descriptions, as Spectral Star Wishes chapter 2 and probably many of the other following chapters will be), but I also recognize that people like being able to just read a story in their browser. I'm thinking of instead linking to the story in a pastebin or google doc, allowing people to click a link and instantly start reading. Pastebin has no formatting, so it'll be like the usual. The google doc WOULD have formatting, so the experience would be much closer to what I originally envisioned.

For those of you who read my stories through an online translator or text-to-speech (I know at least one of you do), the pastebin would probably be the better way. I may simply do both methods and link them in the description! We'll see.

Still,

I applied to a local fast food place down the road from me yesterday. Amazingly, I got a text saying they want interview monday (my choice). I was really surprised, but ah well, I need a job eventually...I've got mixed feelings on this. Decoupling from my parents will be good. Having my own financial independence will also be good. And on a much more lurid note, a job means ALL THE BABYFUR ART (AND THE FURRY ART IN GENERAL).

At the same time: a job will drastically cut down on my ability to do writing and drawing, and that's not even taking into account if I'll be too tired when I DO have free time. But I need some source of income that isn't commissions anyway. We'll see how things shake out.

I'm working to finish my current commission slate before I get the job at the very least.

I've debated it. I just don't think my current writing output is anywhere near the level needed. When I'm a better artist, maybe I'll make one for that, I dunno. Any extra income would be appreciated, but that requires a level of commitment I'm not sure I can do right now.

Things are just spiralling out of control for me very slowly but without seeming any end. My relationship with my parents is worsening, having culminated in me yelling at my mom (after she yelled at me, for the record), a thing that resulted in me getting pretty much chokeslammed into a wall (my dad physically intervening was the sole reason she didn't continue physically assaulting me, because she was going to punch me). More specifically:

She got so mad because she yelled at me and i finally broke and said the f word to her. Her response to this was to immediately accost me when I got home and yell at me that I don't get to say that to her (a response in which she frequently said "fuck/fucking" to me, by the way, and got even more mad when I said "oh so it's okay when you do it") and then said "my dad would NEVER let me say that to my mom"
I responded with "well yeah, your mom was a good person unlike you" and she immediately lunged at me and pretty much choke-slammed me into a wall. While I was recovering she did it again and then went to smash me in the face with a punch, but my dad intervened (to her chagrin--she said "get out of the way so I can fucking beat the shit out of him") thankfully I guess. My chest still feels a bit weird.

My relationship with her has pretty much entirely collapsed (not that I wanted to maintain it anyway). Money from her is literally my only source of income besides commissions, so I may have to take more and more and also get good enough at art to do commissions.

My plans to move to another state have pretty much stopped in their tracks, though. My friend is struggling to find a place for us two and his friend, and his workplace is a mess right now I think. This is extra bad because the school year starts next month and I have effectively dropped out of school, but my parents don't know that. They think I'm still in it, because if they actually knew, they would fucking slaughter me or throw me out or something. It would be bad. I had hoped to ditch them around August LAST year, but COVID decided to completely fuck me over with my friend's workplace (a restaurant) shutting down, and I don't think he's been reinstated there at all yet. I was gonna be a dishwasher (they had a spot open for me and everything). So I dunno what to do. My parents have absolutely no flexibility--they want me in college and to get a degree, so no amount of telling them that I'm just not cut out for it or that I just don't want to fucking go (because I don't) will do anything.

The big problem with my parents is that they just refuse to deviate from their way of parenting. They think they know everything, and that every problem in my life is just me fucking up or being a whiny lazy asshole. Everything they try to "help" actually just hurts me more, and their response is never "maybe we should try something different", it's "what I'm doing isn't working, so clearly I just need to do it again harder". My mom has been forcing me to stand still and listen to her lecture me for an hour straight so many times, yelling at me and calling me a worthless lazy piece of shit, and her response to that not actually doing anything has just been "clearly I need to yell at him and call him a worthless retard MORE". It's maddening. It's exhausting.

With no job, no friends I can couch-surf with, and no relatives in the entire fucking *state* (I would have to somehow get to either COAST) to live with, I just...don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't fake going to school forever and the truth will have to come out eventually, and I am entirely alone. I interact in real life with literally no one but my parents. As I just said, I have no irl friends, all my relatives are distant both socially and literally, and I don't have an income I can use to just get my own place.

I don't want to give up, but I dunno what to do at this point. I have to do SOMETHING. But I fear I've passed the event horizon by now. Sorry for the grimness.

In any case...I've returned to writing and working on commissions. If you have a commission from me (and right now, that's two people), I am working on them and will note you soon. I haven't drawn in like two weeks, though. Drawing takes so much more mental effort and focus that it taxes me incredibly hard.

But beaten down quite a bit.

I really need to get back into gear, but the past two weeks have been a lot of me walking around in the blazing sun for hours or other exhausting things. I am sorry for my delays in bringing people their commissions, as well as how goddamn long Chronicles chapter 7 and Spectral Star Wishes chapter 2 is taking. Fuck.

I just have no goddamn energy. I dunno if its depression or the heat literally sweating it out of me but I am just incredibly unmotivated right now. Art is fun but takes hours of work, writing is fun but difficult to get started up. I'm working on it. I know that words mean nothing but I dunno what else to say.

It is so fucking hot, jesus christ

I cannot wait till I am out of this searing hellhole that is only getting WORSE thanks to climate change

I spent three days on this redesign and got one fave lmao

Okay fine the next one will have diapers, jesus