Yeah, it’s today.

*solo party streamer as I’ll spend it alone*

I officially turn 38 years old next Wednesday, October 1st. As always, I'm not demanding or even asking anyone to draw me anything. If you want to make me something, that's awesome. But just dropping by and telling me "happy birthday" when I make the journal next week will be enough. I don't really know anyone where I'm at, so any kind of celebration from people around me would be nonexistent unless it's my brother taking me out for dinner somewhere. If I have any friends here, or even fans of the artwork I commission and post for you all--many times with stories I think up myself and write on the fly--just being recognized on my birthday would be a huge support to my self-esteem.

Thanks for reading, as well as continuing to follow me all these years. I hope you've enjoyed what I've done here, and I hope to bring even more going forward.

Yeah, my birthday will be hitting again soon on October 1st, 25 days from now. I’ll be 38 years old, yay.

Deargodsomeonepleaseslowthepassageoftimepleaseohgod

 hakuten is raffling off a creation of an Agenta, which you choose the species it’s based off! Go here for more details, and best of luck!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61421327/

My friend  wrytergirl has her Summer Event live. going on right now! She's got a lot of cute and sexy ladies (and guys, as well!) that you can pair up with your characters for some summer shenanigans, be they SFW or NSFW. And you can get a pic with your character and a character of her of your choice starting at just $14!

Check out the lineup and details here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/61078231/ , and help support a really wonderful person!

I’m completely humbled and blown away at my friends’ generosity, especially with those who’ve never interacted with me here before. After my plea for assistance on Tuesday, I had several people contact me offering to help. As I had mentioned in my post, I wouldn’t be able to pay them back, but they all told me it was fine, and just pay it forward when I can. Thanks to all of their generosity, I was able to cover the cost of my plate renewal, as well as be able to cover groceries until my EBT benefit lands later this month.

I’m truly blessed to have met these people. They are what make me so proud to be a part of this community. They embody the sentiment of the song im linking in this post, and I will do my best to carry it on when I have the ability to. The chain of love will certainly not end with me.

Thank you all so much! 🥹

My friend  wrytergirl is open for commissions! She does cute art (along with NSFW if that floats your boat too!), and she's really affordable!

https://www.furaffinity.net/user/wrytergirl/

Go check her out!

I've been proud of myself for being able to stretch my dollar as much as possible and having to rarely ask for assistance. However, I simply need help right now. I don't really think this will get a lot of traction, especially since there won't be any way of repaying anyone, but I feel like I need to make some sort of plea for help.

I've been out of meaningful work since May of 2023. I've been battling with the SSA regarding being able to draw on disability for the last couple years. I had a hearing in October, and was told it would be 1-3 months before I heard a decision. Turns out the 3 months I was waiting my case was still kept open for any more files/documentation my lawyers could provide, and now I'm going to have to wait an additional 1-3 months before I hear anything.

My father is currently supplying money for me for rent money, as well as paying off my car loan, along with a little extra. However, between my monthly internet and energy bills, this leaves me with only about $175 for everything else. He and my mother are both retired, and I simply refuse to ask them to do more than they already have for me. I also draw on my state's EBT program to cover food costs, but right now I don't have much other than to cover the next day or so. I've been donating plasma for a few extra funds to cover what I have to put on my credit cards, but it's not really enough to do much of anything else. Add on top of that my upcoming plate renewal fee and car insurance premium, and I'm looking pretty fucked right now.

I know it's a long shot, but I have to take it. If anyone is willing to donate something, even just a few dollars to help me out, please reach out to me and I can provide a Paypal or CashApp address to send it to. If you are able to do this, I will be beyond grateful. As I previously said, there's really no way I can ever repay any of you, and all I can offer is my sincerest gratitude. I'm just at my wit's end here, because I've been waiting past what I was told, and I don't know when the decision will come, nor if it will even be in my favor.

I simply just have no other choice now.

Some of you responded to my previous, now deleted journal asking if I was alright. The truth of the matter is no, I wasn't.

This month has been an absolute bit of hell for me. Along with the days being shorter, which has always gotten me feeling more glum over the years, various things have made it really difficult for me to be my usual, cheery self as of late. First was the election. Those that know me well know my viewpoints on issues, and I was not thrilled with how the country voted, however I was prepared for such an outcome. I'll simply leave it at that. Next is the current wait I'm experiencing on the decision in my disability case from SSA. My lawyer, based on his experience with how prior proceedings have went, is confident that I've won my case, and now just have to wait on the official letter. The frustrating part is that it takes between one to three months to arrive, and it's already been over one month. Thirdly, now that I have had my diagnoses from this past May, I'm understanding why certain activities have always made me nervous/on edge, and how I was "stimming" to keep myself grounded. And yet when some of these activities I actually enjoy and have done with friends, I run the risk of my anxiety triggering before I do this activity, and it gets so bad that I have to cancel or back out of things, which upsets friends, AND fuels my loneliness. THEN I had to worry about my father as he had a procedure to place a couple stents in his heart (it went smoothly, as he was in and out the same day. He goes back in December to have a different procedure to sort of cut through a calcium buildup, but should go just as quickly), so worry about his safety made things even worse.

Finally, this past weekend happened. I really upset a longtime friend and hurt them deeply. And to be honest, it broke me pretty hard. The previous three days I've been crying multiple times, and I felt empty and hollow. Ideations were VERY close to becoming attempts, you don't even know. I've since calmed down and have gotten more clarity.

I apologize for anyone that was concerned about me. I know I make these journals rather often, and I wish I could say that they will stop. Sad truth of the matter is that my brain is riddled with all the elements that make it the perfect storm for crap like this, and the next depression journal isn't a matter of if, only when.

For those that are still watching me through all of this, I really do appreciate you. I can never truly convey how much it means to me that people will genuinely try to help me through a crisis, even when I feel like I don't deserve it and try to send you away to spare any pain I may inflict, or have my plight infect and corrupt you as well.

In any case, I'm still here. Don't know when the next bout will hit, or how hard it will hit, but I'll definitely do my best to keep swinging.

If so, I could use friends on there. Feel free to add me, but if you do, PLEASE tell me your name on there so I know who you are! 5093368951973786

Oh, and I also turned 37 today, which is far less impressive by comparison.

My good friend  inabyss is holding an art raffle, with multiple ways to get entries!

Try your luck here! https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58231308/

You can’t win if you don’t enter!

For any of you who previously viewed the image of Natalie dressed as Ms. Mowz, I encourage you to go to the submission page again and press F5. I was surprised by an upgrade at no charge by the artist because he made a breakthrough in his shading techniques and wanted to practice, and apparently I was the first flat-colored image he came across.

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good!

Anyway, go hit F5 on that pic and behold the shiny~

As I mentioned on Saturday, I had undergone neuro-psych testing back in March, and would wait 8-10 weeks later for my results. They had come in, and today I would talk with the doctor over the phone to discuss the results of everything.

I have now had the discussion with the doctor, and after a few follow-up questions, I have results.

I can’t recall the full results, as the doctor admittedly listed them off a bit quickly, but I’ll have a full, signed report sent to my email tomorrow. But the main highlights that he mentioned for confirmation were that I have mild ADHD, moderate/level 2 ASD with language impairment, persistent depressive disorder (PDD), and I think he also mentioned social AND general anxiety.

I’m going through a range of emotions right now, and I’ve got some things to do now. But I finally have answers, and now I’ve got more clarity with how to proceed. I just ask that you all be patient with me, especially if I suddenly revert to a glum mood, or if I don’t pick up on things that are implied or take things seriously that weren’t meant to be.

Wanted to give my friends and followers an update, especially since many of you who have interacted with me through other means have seen me in a rather depressed state.

Back in March I underwent neuro-psychological testing at a local center. My main goal was to determine whether my suspicions of having undiagnosed autism were accurate or not, or if there was something else present or even combined with them. I underwent various tests with multiple senses, as well as had a machine on my head that analyzed brainwaves. I was contacted this past Tuesday that my results had come in, and I scheduled for the doctor to call me in the afternoon next Tuesday when they were next free. I’m really hoping that I can have something that can aid my case/hearing with social security that could prove that even if I have the capacity to work, I face large internal barriers inside my own body that make it difficult for me to find and maintain employment, which put an undue burden on my own physical and mental state that spirals it out of my control.

I hope to make another journal Tuesday after I’ve had time to process things and formulate my thoughts on this matter.

For the many artists I follow, I try to leave some sort of comment either about the appearance of the pic they post, or the character, or a witty line regarding them or the situation so that I can engage with the artist. Some of you who I am friends with might have noticed I’ve been a lot more quiet in that front, only opting to fave a pic and not say anything else. I wanted to give an explanation for that.

Last May I left a job that I loved because of a major shift that was happening with the management, like a security blanket was going to be ripped out of my hands before I was ready. Starting on the day I walked out, something shifted in my mind. I became a lot more depressed, anxious, and reclusive. I had applied for other jobs and even signed on with a couple, but I never stayed past a week’s worth of workdays because they were either understimulating to where I was bored as heck, or overstimulating to where I actually fainted.

This inability to find a steady source of income and be like everyone else has made me very depressed and my self-worth has basically bottomed-out. Fewer and fewer things have moved me to act, and I feel like even typing out a comment is either too much work to find something meaningful to say, or others will see me as just trying to force myself into a convo.

A couple weeks ago I underwent neuro-psychological testing. I had done it because over the last few years, between discussions with friends and loved ones, as well as my own research of common behaviors that autistic people exhibit, I found a rather connecting thread that needed to be investigated. I should have my results in the next few weeks, hopefully. Whether I do get confirmation of being on the spectrum or if that is ruled out, I hope all of you won’t see me as any different from the fun-loving, sometimes kinky mouse you all have gotten to know over the years, and that you’ll forgive me for being so quiet while I fight these demons that lurk inside my own head.

I’ve recently seen a lot of videos of people reacting to cameos that people have gotten for them of their favorite celebrities/voice actors sending them a message. I wish someone would send me a cameo from Andrea Libman (the voice of Fluttershy) with her asking me on Hearts and Hooves/Valentine’s Day if I could be her special somepony. I think my soul would temporarily leave my body and catch a glimpse of heaven before I returned to earth and began happy crying from pure joy.

Which would make sense, because the other of the Mane Six that she voiced, Pinkie Pie, is ALL about making others smile.

*sigh* Oh well. A guy can dream.

My good friend  avalon487 needs to raise a good sum of money in a short time, else he’ll lose his car, which means he won’t have reliable transportation to his job, which means his whole livelihood is at risk. The details are in the Twitter post I’m going to link below. If you can’t donate, please signal boost so it can reach someone who can. This guy’s a great person that life has taken a big dump on recently, and I don’t want him to disappear because of it.

https://x.com/thechangeyren/status/.....BeKLSutrDfBQDA

Please help out and boost if you can! orz

I've gotten three of these PMs in the last month, and I seriously don't understand why this needs to be said, but here it goes.

If you are an artist looking for commissions, DO NOT NOTE SOMEONE ASKING FOR A COMMISSION.

This goes DOUBLE if the person you noted has only had one or two lines of dialogue with you in the past 20 minutes.

I get it--times are tough, and you need to earn some scratch to get you through a bit. If you've got friends that you have already established relationships with, let them know you're open for commissions and ask them to spread the word. Put out a commission sheet and examples of your work. Advertise yourself.

But do NOT watch people at random, and then when they thank you for the watch, immediately note them and peddle your services. This is EXTREMELY tacky, and not to mention with certain scams making their rounds on this site, even if you're legit, you WILL get lumped in with the scammers.

Not to mention, you WILL wind up on my block list.

Yep. My birthday’s coming up again. In only 30 days (October 1st), I’ll be leveling up once more!

You probably saw the journal title, and you're thinking "If it's not your birthday, then whose is it?"

Today is my good friend  crazyassbeethoven's birthday. You've probably seen artwork I've gotten from him in the past, or you may remember his webcomic series, Keeping Up With Thursday.

Anyway, I want you to go to his page and wish him a happy 36th birthday. Tell 'em Nate sent ya!

I commission arts at my own pace. If I have a friend who has a comic idea that needs to be funded, I will donate what I can, if I can, and if I want.

If you’re someone I’ve had no prior interaction with and your first contact to me is asking for funding or to commission you, you will be ignored. Repeated contact asking for the same things WILL result in a block.

I saw this in  judyjudith’s journal, figured I’d give it a go. Comment if you want, or don’t. Nothing will affect you either way

1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13) Would you meet up with me?

The resident artist of the Golden Sirens,  xskullstomperx, is in a large amount of debt, and they’d greatly appreciate any donations via ko-fi, as well as any commissions you’d want to get from him. He’s started up a donation drive featuring his popular bear girls, Nikki and Lila. Full details in the link below, bigger donations get you bigger influence over a pic, such as what costume they’ll wear (if any), as well as what your character can get to do with them. PLEASE help out if you can, and spread the word if you’re not able to donate. I know the furry community can do great things to help it’s own, so let’s make it happen!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/48884903/