God... I feel like garbage. Just had a fight with my mate, and I just need to vent. I haven't felt this out of it and disoriented since I quit doing drugs, but god... this feels terrible. I thought I'd kicked the habit of using my own problems to control people, but I guess it was deeper ingrained in me than I had thought. I've spent so long using my emotions to control others that I don't even know what else they're for at this point. When I'm alone, all I get is numbness and a feeling of aching. I can't remember the feeling of love, and I wonder if I ever have.

This is all from a conversation I had with my mate. It would be bullshit to call it an argument, because there was no yelling, just me trying to control her, and then being calmly informed that my behavior is manipulative. Our voices were never raised, but it felt like a punch in the gut. I was so afraid that I would do this without thinking about it, and it turns out I have. I don't know how to move forward from here, because I'm so good at manipulating that I don't even notice when I do it. I've been made to realize that I'm only ever kind or polite when it is to achieve some end, rather than this... desire to do it for whatever reason? I still can't get my head around the idea...

I'm just rambling really. I've been told that love is supposed to involve a desire to do nice things for people without promise or reward, but I've never felt that. My pets and kittens say they love me as well, and I say it back, but I really don't know why I waste such a word. I worry that I might be some kind of freak or monster, but I know that telling anyone that would just be more manipulation and control. Really, I just feel guilty. Like I've been caught again. Like I'm back to where I started, in a place where control and scheme is all I have to fall back on.

So I had to block my uncle on facebook... His wife's cancer is killing her, and she could die any moment, so he's understandably filled with a lot of unhappiness, but he keeps pushing it on other people. Just today he went out of his way to write pages worth of baseless crap about how arrogant one of my posts made me seem. He had some sound reasoning, but beneath it all was this undertone of bitterness that just made me feel like crap. I know he's got a lot worse to deal with compared with my stressors (midterms), but I don't need that kind of cynical unpleasantness on every one of my posts.

Besides that: the topic of self-harm has been on my mind a lot recently... I've been six months clean so far, but the past few days have put it at the forefront more times than I'd like to admit. I don't want any new scars joining those already running up my arm, but it's been getting close and closer to being a reality during this hellish week. It might have to do with the fact that my friend went back to the hospital and had to be put on painkillers again, since those drugs are a serious trigger to me, but I don't know.

Either way: I'll live~ I'm very hard to get rid of, so expect me to stick around.

I'm absolute trash at image editing, and can't even figure out how to compress my normal icon. It was done for me by a lovely artiest at a good price, but she sent it to me at a 600+ kb .png! There's nothing that is able to compress it down to the obnoxious 55kb that FA sets. That's why I've been stuck with the stupid default icon for so long. help?

This might sound a bit cheche,
but sometimes cleche's fine.
and so I write this little thing
for my darling valentine.

I sit here now up in your room,
watching you play your game.
you maybe thing I'm bored because
it seems like all the same.
But as I watch, I see in you
the thing I so adore.
a passion deep within your heart,
that makes me want you more.

When you speak of bugs or games,
I often don't know what you mean.
I listen, smile, nod my head,
because I see this lovely gleam
of love for things that others won't
admit that they can hold;
it drew me in from that first week,
and since then I've been sold.

In these short months, I've shared with you,
something that I find strange.
A calm sense of stability;
a more than welcome change.
It took some time to settle in,
(more used to LDR),
but since I've gotten used to it
I can't stand being far.

Maybe it's just too corny,
to play around with words.
Maybe this is just an art,
for quirky little nerds.
I think I like to write for you,
creating something new,
a bit of creativity
to share between us two.

All that I want to say to you,
can't fit upon this page,
but I'm sure there'll be pleanty more,
as we increase in age.

I hope this says "I Love you"
as verbose as it can be,
and that we'll share more valentines,
in awkward harmony.

As some of you have noticed on my homepage, I'm a bit into the babyfur thing. Infantilism and regression has always had a special appeal to me because of it's ability to provide a unique environment where the mind can trick itself into not worrying about big-girl things like taxes, uni, or even when you need to go potty. The sense of relief and delight I get just thinking about it during brief moments is superb.

My problem is that I have no opportunity to do it! Aside from the occasional bag of adult diapers I buy on a binge from the drugstore, I really don't have any way to express this. I have been trying to get into the kink community in an attempt to find myself a mommy/daddy to play with, by my mate forbids it on the (perfectly rational) grounds that it's too intimate. I still have RP, but nobody wants to do an babyfur role play with me.

I duno, maybe I'm just ranting, but it really bums me out that I don't have any way to get into little headspace for more than a minute by myself. Any advice?

So I've been trying to work on experiencing the full range of emotions rather than bottling everything up, and I'm quickly discovering that feelings suck. I've had little moments where I've experienced anger or happiness, but for the most part: all I'm getting is a constant wash of guilt. Guilt for being male-bodied and having urges, guilt for the divorce a few years back, guilt for not having finished my assignments on time, ect. My mate tells me that it will go away if I wait as long as I don't repress it as I usually do, but it's not leaving. The constant guilt just keeps weighing down on me and making me want to hide myself away from people I'm afraid to hurt. I guess this is why I repressed my emotions in the first place, but it's not getting any easier now that I'm trying to feel them.

So this is probably going to be read by all of nobody, but I feel like I need to type it up anyway.
I have always been deathly afraid of pain-medications, tranquilizers, sleep-aides, and anesthetics. I'm fine with needles, I'm chill with surgery, but the actual substances that reduce one's ability to feel and interpret pain are such a trigger for me that even hearing about them affects my daily life for the next week. I understand that this is ridiculous, but there's nothing I've been able to do. I even spent last night wracking my brain trying to deconstruct the logical fallacies. For the most part, I managed to reassure myself that nothing would go wrong if I were in a situation where I would need to be under the influence of these sorts of substances, but it still isn't reducing my anxiety any. I have to have my wisdom teeth out, my gender-affirmation operation is coming up in a few years, and I could always end up needing trauma surgery, so it's a constant thing I'm afraid of.
What I know is bugging me and what I've done so far:
1: The inability to recognize that something is wrong and act on it is a big issue for me. I realize that in any situation where I would be on these drugs would be surrounded by doctors, nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, friends, and family who would be able to protect me, but it doesn't do enough to reassure me. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself, or that I won't be able to realize if someone's being rude or hurtful to me in enough time to react.
2: I'm afraid that I will act in a manner inconsistent with my character. I've always had problems, especially when my judgement is impaired. I'm afraid that with the euphoric aspect of some of these medicines, I wouldn't stop myself from saying or doing something that I would regret. I'm aware that anyone I would upset would understand that it would be the result of my impaired state, but I know I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. To that end, I've resolved to isolate myself from as many people as I can if I ever undergo surgery. I know that this would be unfair to my friends and family, since the recovery time of Gender Affirmation Surgery is almost a month, but I would be too afraid to do otherwise.
3: I'm terrified of the fact that unlike other drugs, I can't escape. If I need this stuff for legitimate reasons, then it comes down to either being in so much pain that I go into shock and they have to knock me out, or taking the heavy duty drugs. Either way, there's no way I can escape it, as though it's a personal hell I'm trapped in. I know that it's for the better that I take my meds, but even now, something inside of me is saying that I might just be able to override the pain of I just focus on this fear enough. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm even afraid of my fear. This sucks.
4: I'm afraid I'll get addicted. With euphoria comes a desire for more. I have a long history of Addictive Personalities, and I myself have been addicted to marijuana in the past. Opiate addiction ruined my mother's second marriage, and alcohol addiction tore apart her first. I know that most of modern medications are formulated to reduce the chance of inducing euphoria now a days, but the pain-relief might get too addicting for me as well.
5: I can't do exposure therapy too easily. For people afraid of spiders or heights, it's easy to step themselves up to the big one, whatever that may be. A person afraid of heights as bad as I am of pain meds might start by looking out a second-story window with someone else's hand in theirs, and move all the way up to the sky box of the Sears Tower. I can't do that, because at a certain point: it becomes a felony. I am right no at the point where I can't even hear the word "oxycontin" without panicking for the next week, so there's still pleanty I can do without actually having the stuff in my hand, but at some point: I'll have to find some other method. I'm thinking that having my wisdom teeth out might help, since I don't technically need pain meds for that one. They can give me a wicked low dose, and I can use it as basically a trial run. That's how I ended up realizing that I could handle weed way back, when I felt it's effect at a lower level, and decided I could deal with more.

I'm sure there's more that's bothering me, but that's all I can think of. All I did was type this, and my chest feels tight, I can hardly digest the pizza I just ate, and I can't focus on what my girlfriend just said to me. If you have any suggestions on overcoming this or any irrational phobia, I would really appreciate it.

So I was informed earlier that my favorites list was hidden from public view for whatever reason. I decided that if I'm going to be a freak, I may as well let people know, so I went ahead and unlocked them. Feel free to comment here if you'd love to inquire about my weird fetishes...

After some discussion on a stream chat with one of my favorite artists, I've sort of been inspired. I've always loved the idea of writing stuff for myself, but never had the focus to actually get around to it. Now that I'm in college and can set my own schedule though, I've found that I'm terribly bored most of the time. One of the things I absolutly hate is when I just sit there, vegged out, and absorb media. I so much prefer output to input.
To that end, I've decided to open my commissions! I'm just getting into this, so they'll be crazy-cheap, but I can totally justify hours of work for like, $10. So if you want a story commission, just fill this out, and I'll get cracking. I'll write just about anything (see details below) so feel free to ask away!

Story Comission Details!

Will do:
~Fluff
~Smut
~romance
~adventure
~Sci-fy
~kink
~anything else you can think of

Won't do:
~Fanfiction
~pedophilia (though I will do babyfur)
~Self-insert
~teacher/student
~misrepresentation of the foster-care system

That's about it for do's and don'ts. I'll do pricing basically based off of what people want, but I'm not one to do character limits. If I want to keep going with a story, I will, but there will at least be a minimum. I'm expecting to do a lot of one-shot stuff, but I could be inclined to do a few chapters worth of something basically if I feel like it. Note me if you want a story so we can discuss!

I know I don't have terribly too many followers, but I figured that since I'm fucked up anyway, I may as well post this. I'll be awake for another four hours at least, so if you've got some burning question that you'd love to ask a hammered trans-kitty, comment to your heart's content.

Hey furs! It's come to my attention more and more every day that I could actually get something out of this account of I put my mind to it, so I'm going to do just that! I'm not much of a poster, but I will definitely at least be throwing up my commissions and the occasional short story.