Do you ever have moments where you feel God isn't listening? My friend's niece died at 17 last week because of a drunk driver. His sister, the girl's mother, has just lost her battle with brain cancer. I got denied for a job I was hoping for, very much. The depression I struggled with before has reared its ugly head yet again. Bills won't stop mounting. My parents can't make it to dinner tonight because my sister-in-law has to work late. I know it isn't her fault. But it was the icing to a particularly soul-crushing cake.

I feel tempted to think it's never going to get better. I know that's not true, though. I have been helped out of my lowest depths before. I will be helped again. But it doesn't quite feel like it just now.

I am most grateful for the fact that I have survived my storm intact with God's help, and that in all likeliness, it is only good things from here. I have indeed weathered the storm of pain and suffering, and from now on, no one is allowed to call me a coward.

On that note,

https://youtu.be/B56UjiLuWkk

It never rains but it pours around here it would seem. My step-grandmother called me this morning. My grandfather had a stroke a few months ago. He's okay for now. But I would like to visit him. I owe him much. Trouble is, my step-grandmother is an utterly untrustworthy old cow. She's always been jealous of us; I'm quietly convinced she sees us as competition for her husband's affection. Anyway, she called me to try and convince me not to come. She says "it's really an end-of-life situation"- I refuse to believe that - and that he's not mentally well enough for a phone call or a letter. That, and my aunt doesn't want me staying with her. It's none of my business if that's true, but I would like to verify it with her first.

Every time I talk to him, I don't detect any significant difference for the worse. So I don't know who to believe.

He recently turned 80 and has Parkinson's and heart trouble. But that's not what worries me right now. He had a significant fall last night, and nearly did again tonight. He's sleeping on the couch because he doesn't feel like risking the stairs. I'm not worried about that either. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one, and this was probably just an unfortunate one-time thing. I doubt very much it will be the new normal.

But I would like to see his health improve just enough so he doesn't need a walker, just his cane. My family's over-worrying annoys me much, even if it isn't unfounded. It's not like it's going to make him better.

Heh, if I ever get to be that old, I'm going to make it a point to be as optimistic and sunny as ever. In spite of everything.

You'll never guess how many kids in Baltimore tested proficient in math. Go on, guess!

Ready?

Zero. Exactly zero percent. Not one kid in the whole of that city can do math. That's obviously not their fault; you can't blame a person for honestly not knowing something. But you can blame the people who should know better.

My own Prince George's County did not do much better. We got 10%.

If I lived in Baltimore City and I was a teacher, I'd start looking elsewhere. If I was a parent, I'd probably homeschool. The cynic in me wonders if the whole country is much better.

Good news. I finally got my car back. David and my Dad finally managed to get their hands on a 2013 Jeep Cherokee. Now I just gotta work on giving my car some much needed TLC. Frankly, I feel a little bad for growing impatient. But I like to think all's well that ends well.

I also got an A- on my first assingment at CUA. And I'm getting ready to start my research paper. If the prof is okay with it, I'd like to explore parental rights and how they sometimes conflict with library collection development.

I'm tired of living like this. For reasons I don't want to get in to, I've been reduced to living with my parents. I try to visit my own place nearly every day to have some independence, but it isn't always easy. Mostly thanks to David and the whole car situation. David's own car broke down, so he's been "borrowing" mine for the past six months while he and Dad argue back and forth about what car to buy. Meanwhile, I'm caught in the middle. David wants a car that's all flash and no substance, Dad wants him to buy something practical. Every time they finally come close to a solution, David backs out at the last second, or Dad talks him out of making his choice. Meanwhile, my car hasn't had its oil changed in 11,500 miles, the check engine light is coming on, and the interior reeks of cigarette ashes.

I'm hoping David finally gets off his butt and buys this Honda he's been looking at. But I wouldn't be surprised if that doesn't happen.

1. Trust in God's will more than my own, which means to stop being afraid and rely on him first.
2. Learn more about Asian cuisine. I've even bought a set of fancy chopsticks for the occasion. Made Korean noodles with black bean sauce today!
3. Lose weight. Currently weighing at 200 lbs, want to get down to 150. I've been running 4 miles 3 times a week, which helped me to lose 10 pounds last month.

We have survived 2022. I wish you all nothing but peace and happiness, and I'm very glad to have you all as my friends.

For those not familiar with Catholicism, Purgatory is that state before heaven all sinners destined for heaven experience after death. The idea is to eat the emotional pain your sins caused other people before you enter God's Kingdom, in perfection incarnate. All lust for sin, all negative qualities you had are erased. It is not wholly pleasant; after all, you are being forced to feel all the pain your bad choices caused others. But, since Purgatory is a suburb of heaven, not hell, it means even your worst moment in purgatory will be better than your best moment on earth. How long it lasts is up for debate. Some theologians have argued it can last a few minutes to as many as a 1000 years.

That's not all, though. The Church has taught that all those who suffer needlessly through no fault of their own will have their purgatories reduced. Some who suffer gravely will have no purgatory at all. I know mine will be very short. I have had to watch both of my sisters embrace evil. I have had to watch my country decline and decay. I have had to endure the loss of someone I loved deeply. Recently, I fear a fate worse than death may well be in store for me. I have had to suffer in all sorts of terrible ways all my life. Some to terrible to even mention. Nonetheless, I believe God means my end to be one for good, not evil.

Kanye West has officially proven once and for all that anyone can be racist. That is all.

Borrowing from  Landonbay

Anything you'd like to know about my OC's?

I got accepted into Catholic University of America! I'm gonna be taking some training courses to get that teacher certification!

After everything St. Fauci and his ilk put our country through, I want to do my part to help rebuild.

Title translates as God Forgive Us

https://youtu.be/asy59OdK4Z4

I was watching Big Fish with my Mom and Dad last night. Do you know what I think is the problem with our era is? Ever since 9/11, we've lost our sense of magic.

Like, when I was a kid, my life was full of stories of good and evil spirits, dragons, other children, innocence. Even singing in my elementary school choir lifted up my soul. And not much does lift up my soul these days, or anyone else's. I don't mean everything was perfect, or that we don't view our childhoods through rose-tinted glasses. But even when I became a teen, my imagination and sense of spirit were alive and well.

With 9/11 and everything that's happened afterward, I feel like we've slowly become more cynical as a society. Sometimes worse. How do I put this?

A wise man I know once said that every unifying event in my generation and after has been a trauma. Beginning with 9/11, and continuing with the great recession, and now the pandemic. Whereas the unifying events of older generations were things like putting a man on the moon, seeing communism fall, etc. And part of me wonders if because of that, we've started seeing things we aren't supposed to.

7 year old girls did not know what porn was when I was a kid. The corporations and the government weren't trying so hard to control public thought in the name of safety. Teens (mostly) knew how to not make life-altering decisions and weren't pressured by outside forces to do so.

Even modern children's TV unnerves me a little. There was that pride parade on Blue's Clues, for instance. And maybe it's because I'm an adult, but I haven't heard of too many kids shows these days with a sense of magic. Part of the reason I've stayed on furaffinity is because it still has a sense of magic, even if it's not always in ways I'd like.

Anyway, those are my musings for tonight. Talk to you all soon.

I've written on this occasion before. I've written my personal experience of that day already, and how my best friend nearly lost his Mom. https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/9262877/

But this will not be quite like that.

I look upon the state of my poor country, and can't help but think 9/11 and our reaction to it was the catalyst that made it all possible. At the moment, we have a country in which-

-Expressing the wrong opinion, especially online, can easily translate to your head on a pike
-Big Tech feels both enobled and empowered to censor opinions they don't like, often at the government's request
-Our media doesn't even try to be objective anymore
- There is an entire generation of underemployed young men, coupled with
- A lackluster economy that does not and likely never will welcome them fully

How did this happen? My personal opinion is that we were so traumatized by the events of that day that we (understandably) wanted revenge against the terrorists. So when the Patriot Act was passed, we didn't complain. When we invaded Iraq for spurious reasons, we didn't complain. When we decided to stay in Afghanistan after whacking Osama, we didn't complain. When Guantanamo didn't close, we didn't complain. Why not? Because, in my opinion, we were willing to let the government compromise on our civil liberties and sense thereof if it meant defeating the terrorists. And I distinctly remember, especially in the first few years after 9/11, you were not allowed to question any of this. If you were, you were "with the terrorists." I think that piece of propaganda stuck. It might well be the reason Edward Snowden is likely never coming home.

My point is, we got used to it. We got used to the government and the media telling us what to think and what to say, for our own safety. Just so long as we could keep getting fat and sick. It would explain a lot. Like why there were no mass protests against the mask mandates or against St. Fauci, and those who tried got shut down so quickly in the name of fighting "misinformation." It wouldn't be so awful if it weren't accompanied by a decline in national virtue. Did you know that there are seven and eight-year old girls who know what porn is?! That freaking terrifies me! That simply did not happen when I was a kid.

Speaking of, I feel sorry for this next generation of kids. They're going to grow up thinking having their personal freedoms curbed for the sake of a collective is normal. And I'm not sure how much I'd blame them; that is essentially all we've taught them these past two years.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if less than ten years from now, we end up being like Spain on the eve of her civil war. The ingredients are all there as we speak. I only question- who would fire the first shot? Against who? And where? https://youtu.be/vBftWGlIWvU

It was wonderful. I was soooo happy to see him! I said "Hi there. I'm your Uncle Charlie, little bud. It's very nice to meet you."

Hahaha! It was like holding a very big burrito! I swear I even saw him open his eyes a little and smile. (Well, as best as infants can smile, at least.)

I can't wait to be a Dad. I've wanted to be a husband and father since forever. I'm so happy for my little brother! I hope I get to know my nephew better and better each day.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy at 8:50 p.m tonight. (U.S Eastern standard). Austin, I Praise God for you! I can't wait to meet you tomorrow! And your brother Anderson too, of course!

They sang this at the end of the HBO series Chernobyl. I still can't hear it without getting misty-eyed.

https://youtu.be/XD4VPTIhNe4

Lyrics:

When Gabriel in Heaven blows his trumpet,
all the heroes will be resurrected from their graves.
No one will be forgotten.
And if anyone has been forgotten, the One who Does All Things will remember.

All will answer, and in full,
both for what they have done,
and for what they have left undone.

Eternal Memory for the Fallen Ones.
Eternal Memory for the homeland!
No one will be forgotten!

May our conscience not honor the enemies of hope,
or yield to the armies of despair.
For our soldiers have saved the world!
And the memory of them has not sunk into oblivion!
No, the memory of them has not sunk into oblivion!

Eternal Memory for the Fallen Ones.
Eternal Memory for the homeland!
No one will be forgotten!
Eternal Memory, Eternal Memory, Eternal Memory for the fallen ones!

Went to see a therapist. Turns out I have anxiety. Honestly, I'm not that surprised.

https://youtu.be/xP3azjJPodk

Pray for me, my friends, for hell is only so far away.

Am I sad to hear Putin is getting his comeuppance? Of course not. I just wish we could summon this level of outrage at China for doing things that are just as bad, maybe even worse. Like giving us a deadly disease, committing genocide, etc.

I like sending them to  Zee-Zee , but let's see if anyone else is interested. Pm me your email address if you are.