When I first started on this site my daughter was in preschool. I just watched her graduate from Junior High an hour ago... Where the hell time does time go?

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last journal as morose as it was. I just wanted to inform everyone, that thanks to the encouraging words from Dearshul77, MajorMajorM4jor, and Omnikitsune, as well as a long discussion with my wife, I am going to work harder to get the help that I need. I have started the long process of getting a more comprehensive kind of therapy which will hopefully lead me to living a more functional and fulfilling life. I appreciate you all, and thank you for taking the time to speak to me about what I was going through.

Before I get started, I want to make a few things perfectly clear. First of all, I am not suicidal, as I have learned not too long ago, I have neither the will nor the courage to stop being a burden to everyone in my life. Second of all I apologize for bothering the few people who will read this little incoherent pity party rant I am throwing for myself right now. I didn't want to make any of these feelings public, but I find the screaming them into the void is no longer working, and I just can't keep it in any longer.

To make a long story short, I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I feel. I hate that I am mentally ill enough to be unable to work, and yet mentally sound enough to not receive disability. I hate how I am just imaginative enough to come up ideas for things, but lack the creativity to follow through with any of it. I hate how I unwittingly trick the people in my life into thinking I am somehow competent, when in truth I am barely able to function.

I really can't stand the idea of existing anymore, but as stated before am unable to bring myself to be able to end it all. Everything feels like it is too much to handle. My mind buzzes, and I dont know how to make it stop. I just loathe bring me, and nothing seems to help.

Once again I am sorry I bothered the few people who will see this post. As cliches as it sounds, I really don't expect or want sympathy or attention from anyone. I just couldn't be silent anymore, and cannot talk to my family about it without them having me call a crisis line, or going to the emergency room, and I really don't need that right now.

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to unload on you all. As I said at least three times now, silence was becoming more painful letting it out in this limited form

For everyone who has had the kindness of following me, be it through the RP's, or rare instances where I write something on my own, most of you know that Acrathia is a go to character of mine. I feel that I have come to explore her enough that I would like to begin writing short stories featuring her, and her exploits throughout the ages. Doing this also leaves me wishing to expand some of the other characters I have portrayed in my time on this site, and come to know them in a way that I now know Acrathia. The only real question is who should I focus on? A question that I would love the opinion of all who have read my writings to weigh in on.

Would you like to see more of:

1. Imoldra
2. Lassiate
3. Cassandra
4. Dryas

(There are others, but I would like to flesh them out more before I even think of bringing them out.) Every opinion is appreciated. Thank you all.

First for a bit of History... when I first conceived the idea of Acrathia, she was meant to be a full-on villain. I had thought of her to be a chaotic evil (I am going to ruin your life because I can! Muah ha ha ha!) Sort of character. However as time went on and I began to explore more of her personality, she slowly began to shift and change into a more chaotic neutral (Should I cross this bridge or jump off of it? Eh I'll decide when I get there!) character. I ultimately liked this change better than the original due to the fact that it created a lot more depth and versatility to her character, sometimes she could be helpful other times she would be the last person you want to encounter. It also allowed her to still fill the role of villain if I desired but it wouldn't be so black-and-white as it was before.

In her most recent interactions however, I have noticed a bit of a shift in her personality that I hadn't anticipated. What I had been observing in her as of late is that she is so much more benevolent and helpful then I had ever intended her to be. I think it began when Acrathia started acting a lot more helpful to Henry (Dearshul77's character, with whom she had interacted with in posts during her ask series) in past interpretations Henry would do nothing but irritate Acrathia regardless as to whether he were a good person at heart. When it was said and done I chalked it up to that just being a part of Henry's charm and that he would manage to win over many people eventually. But as time went on I noticed that Acrathia wasn't really harming anyone. She seems to have mostly performed benevolent Acts and very little that would be considered harmful. The worst thing I can think of that she has done, since I started writing about her on this site, was detailed in the RP session " The Night of Judgement" where she basically magically tortured an individual. However this particular individual ran what was essentially a child slavery ring so I am left wondering how many people would actually object to that.

I suppose what I am ultimately trying to figure out is have I mixed Acrathia's too much with my own? Am I reading too much into this and she is coming across as morally ambiguous? Or if she is indeed changing and becoming more benevolent than I intended her, should I continue with it, and just view this as the natural progression from villain to anti-hero? Maybe she's just chaotic good (Freedom! Down with tyranny!) now For any who would like to weigh in on this issue I would be incredibly grateful. Any insight anyone could provide would be very helpful to me. As always thank you to everyone who watches me, and takes an interest in my character.

Hello everyone who will read this. It has been almost two years since I have joined this site, and since that time I have submitted a whopping total of four. Count them! Four! pieces to this site. Three of them wouldn't even exist if it were not for collaboration with Dearshul77 and BearRodeo. I guess when I said in my last journal that the process would be sluggish I really ment glacial. But I suppose four is pretty good for someone who joined only intending to be a watcher.

I find myself writing this second journal entry ( just my second in two years!) due to some emotions that have arisen within the last few days that I dont quite know how to handle, and I was hoping that those who have created and submitted their work could help me out. I never really intended the characters I have created to go much farther than my own mind, and now that they are out there I find myself afraid. These character have been such intimate and personal parts of my life, and now they are out for anyone to see. I have been waking up in the morning sick to my stomach thinking about it. I obviously fear ridicule, and that I do not have any true talent, and that this is something that maybe a few people will find mildly amusing, and the rest find boring at best or insufferable at worst.

Oddly enough it isn't just failure that frightens me in this case. I dont flatter myself to think that these character will go far beyond this site, but even people taking a mild interest has started to scare me in that I feel like the more who see and read them the less they become a part of me. I dont think I have ever felt this exposed in my life and it is driving me insane. I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only person who has ever experienced this, but this is the first time I have experienced it, and I just wanted to know if anyone knows how to cope with these feeling? I dont want to stop doing this, I just dont what to feel this way anymore? If anyone who reads this has any advice I would be most appreciative. Thank you for reading and any advice you may give

Nerull142000

Hello everyone, I am finding myself in a funny situation. What I find so funny is that when I first found this site, I had absolutely no intention of even joining. Understand that this wasn't out of arrogance, or a sense of superiority. I have never been the most social person and I thought that it would be unfair for me to join a community that I would viewing the hard work of others, but would not be contributing to myself. As time went on I found there were truly great pieces of art that I was unable to view in full without being a member. So reluctantly, guiltily, and somewhat selfishly I decided to join.

When I joined I had no intention of interacting with anyone, or contributing to the contents of the site. Once again I can not stress enough that this was not coming from any kind of moral judgement, but rather my own insecurities when it came to social situations (even online ones) and doubts in my abilities as an artist. So I remained a lurker, this is until I found the work of Dearshul77. Her story about a deeply flawed protagonist, who ends up cheating on his wife with an unseelie arch fae, and becomes cursed so that he gradually turns into a donkey every time he lies, absolutely captivated me. on her site here, she does an ask series where members of the community are encouraged to ask questions to the characters of her story. This is when I first decided to step out of my bubble and engage. I can't even pinpoint what made me decide to post as an OC Acrathia, who had been rattling around in my brain for years. perhaps it was due to the fact that Dearshul77's main antagonist Lady Moth reminded me so much of her, in origin and personality. I wasn't sure if she would respond to my post, I was just some random person who decided to post something, but much to my delight she did respond, and we have had many conversations between her characters and mine.

As the conversations continued, I noticed that people had begun to look at my site, and much to my embarrassment nothing was on it. I decided that as horrifying as the prospect was, I had to contribute in some way. I took to drawing the above mentioned OC and once I felt like it was at least somewhat decent I posted it to my site. After I did so I almost instantly regretted doing it. I had never posted any of my artwork online before and my doubts and insecurities were beginning to take over. I was contemplating taking said artwork down, when I received my first favorite. It came from a user whom I had a few, but very deep and insightful conversations with on Dearshul77's site Omnikitsune, who offered very encouraging words about my work, and made me feel like I actually had some talent. I continued exploring on this site favoriting and watching artists that I had actually been a fan of from other sites like deviantart, Artists like Evion, Virmir, and aerocat. I actually garnered the courage to post on some of there work, and when they responded, I won't lie i felt completely star struck like I had just met a celebrity.

After I received my 3rd favorite and watch from an artist who goes by SterileSubSandwich (who I have begun watching, and whose comic is hilarious) I decided ok... this is a thing in my life now. So I will start posting my artwork on here now (am working on the 2nd one now) The process I admit will be sluggish. I have a full time job, a spouce and two kids one of whom has special needs, they are the proiority in my life. Ultimately what I wanted to say to my watchers; all three of you, and to anyone else who sees this is Thank you. Thank you for believing in me and helping to foster the courage to take a risk and put myself out there.

Nerull142000-