hi everyone im very sorry i havent been around have had an intense couple months will be back around soon pwomise

hey everyone been a bit distracted and my inbox is flooded but i'm getting around to all your wonderful arts! i love getting to see it, i just get overwhelmed sometimes when i get flooded so sorry it's taking so long ^^;

*crumples up on the floor in an empty room clutching at a few pieces of paper*

i... finally... got through all the artsf or the most part... and a good amount of journals... euughhhhh so mentally exhausted... good work everyone you did some good arts and i hope you're all doing okay... nini... x.X

i just got through about 2/3 of my submissions, and i still gotta touch the journals section... sorry everyone i just can't keep up with your productivity D; i love you though...

hi everyone just to let you know there has been a huge influx of arts into my inbox and not a lot of time/energy/concentration so i'm getting behind a bit. if you haven't gotten any comments/favs from me i'm not ingoring your pretties, i'm just struggling to get to them all because yall are being so productive. love you and be well all of you.

i really hate to do this but i'm thinking of crowd-funding to attempt getting a drawing tablet. it wouldn't take much, there's one i like for 30 dollars, and i really want to get back to my art. i'm thinking if i do i can do 'thank you' pics for anyone who contributes once i get one and get to the point my art is upload worthy but i don't know. would be cool to get some input and opinions from everyone.

i've been going through a lot as i've stated before... but being on here again has helped in a few ways...

made a few new friends who are really cool, and found some cool artists, and had the pleasure of reading a comic that brought a lot of my own internal issues back to the surface for me to deal with which has been both a good and bad thing... i'm not really in a state where i can handle much but this shit really needs to get dealt with. i never ran from my problems before, but in recent years i didn't really have a choice... and i've been really repressing things i would never have repressed before, things i would have taken on like the emotional badass i used to be. but i'm really broken and shattered and have a lot to work through and i really don't know how to properly tell someone the whole story because it's just such a mess and i can't coherently explain it all without leaving out details out of it just being too complicated for me to put to words...

i really want to start drawing again but i really hate using a mouse for anything digital and i don't really want to burn through art supplies like i used to with my traditoinal- let alone it's a lot harder to get the kind of work i want to do out of the old traditional methods unless you're rich, and i'm not... i'm thinking of crowdfunding for a drawing tablet for my computer, so that i can get myself really going again and use my art partially as a therapy. i have ideas floating around in my head for a few comics, and i would also love to do some request/commission/gift art for people who are special to me... but i also don't want to ask too much of anyone...

i love you all and any of you who take the time to read these silly journals or view my uploads are very important to me and i hope you know that. if you ever need to talk you know you can inbox me. a good thing about not being 'popufur' is that i can actually develop lasting, deep freindships with anyone who wants to... just try me.

i hope everyone has a good weekend. take care.

http://www.teeturtle.com/products/cant-adult-today
someone please buy me this for my babying days!!! D;

i can't help this person but in case anyone else can:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7774977/

so much has happened over the last few months that i'm feeling such a vibrant and overwhelming mix of emotions and a lot of it isn't good ones... and as i'm trying to work through it, i'm finding myself more and more alienated from everyone and everything i held dear for so long and it's heart wrenching. i'm trying to focus all this negative into positive by forcing it into creativity but it isn't working as well as i was hoping, and it really is wearing me down... i'm fighting to keep myself social... to make some new friends... to reach out, in many ways, and not become the hermit again like i was for so much of my life... part of me wants to just go back to that, to realize that i'm pretty much alone in this world and can't let anyone in too far... but part of me won't let me give up on people and i just keep getting hurt and alienated and the cycle won't break no matter which way i approach things. i really want my life back, and to not feel this need for the love or comradery of another person... but i can't seem to shake that need now that i've opened myself up to others. i can no longer be 100% emotionally independent like w was when i was young and knew that no one really cared enough to open up to me the same way i have to them when i get close to someone. i knew my parents were self absorbed, that my friends and their parents weren't that great of people and they would always purposely leave me out for the dumbest of reasons (and when i later learned what those reasons i was so shunned in my neighborhood were... it was a lot less eye opening than it should have been). i really hate people... i really hate trying... i really just want to be able to be alone and say fuck the world. my emotional needs have never been anywhere near met, and the few times it felt like they were going to be was just a huge tease. i'm really tired, and i can't keep fighting this fight. i'm getting desperate to find a way to numb this constant ache in my heart, but the only ways i know are things i'd rather avoid, and i was never one to run from my feelings before this... i've always tried to work things out and never bottle up my emotions, never just dull my pains, never just run from things... but i don't know, i guess i'm going to have to break my own creeds and codes just to make it through this without complete self-destruction...

i don't know how normal people deal with things the way they do... it just doesn't work for me... and most people i've been close with now seem to see me more as an annoyance or something similar in nature for the most part... i'm just so done. what do i even fucking do from this point?

so while talking with my new friend and now-big sis , i have decided to make a few small changes to my fursona. i'm no longer a straight-out 'white tiger' though i am keeping the dark brown as opposed to black stripes. now, most of my fur is going to be a cream-ish/super-light-brown coloring, with white belly/tail tip/paws/muzzle area, maybe around the eyes too? idk.

also i'm still hung up about naming her... at one point i was thinking of lilly but that was partially pushed for by a now-ex of mine (two of them actually) and i really am not sure i want it at this point, it's also a bit over-used of a name for many fursonas, though it would fit considering i'm a tiger... because you know, tiger lillies... which are beautiful and one of my favorites, but still @_@

anyone who wants to give some input on a name is welcome to do so, but i'm going to be very very picky about naming her...

also rawr.

Wowe I feel so loved already. Fank yoo guise <3

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=3786636

here's the link anyways so anyone who desires to find out more beforehand can do so.

I need some paper or something
I need to get drawing again.
I need to get inspired again.
I need... I need so much but have so little way to get it or so little to offer in return. It would be nice if I could just get some control over this messed up life of mine.