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Aug 2024 Update
Posted a year agoAccording to my journal history, it appears I have been inactive here for about 1 year and 2 days, mostly. I've recently started finding a way to balance my job with creating art, music, and my passion projects, and hope to post a bit more here. I have been doing a lot of updates to my websites, but each update comes out every six or so months. Anyway, I have some content to post from the last year, and will post bits here and there when I get around to it. I plan to get back into writing erotica, and stories I find interesting, fleshing out the lore of my OCs and explaining my insane sci-fi BLISS universe system thing. Stay tuned!
If you would like to see some more of my creations, you may visit the CrystalCraft Studios Finder website at https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com/ , which links to all of my websites and socials (Of which I have very few!). Have a great day, everyone!
If you would like to see some more of my creations, you may visit the CrystalCraft Studios Finder website at https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com/ , which links to all of my websites and socials (Of which I have very few!). Have a great day, everyone!
Website Updates!
Posted 2 years agoI have been updating my websites a lot lately, and am ready to post a link to my main page, which leads to my other two pages! Feel free to check it out, I'm more able to update the websites VS this page, as the shelter I'm staying at has a strict firewall, and a slow connection.
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
Stay safe, friends!
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
https://finder.crystalcraftstudios.com
Stay safe, friends!
My friend's raffle!
Posted 2 years agoHey, friends! My friend, Liz, is doing an art raffle! I highly suggest it, she's amazing!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
Good luck!
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/52.....#cid:173074818
Good luck!
Life updates (a lot changed)
Posted 2 years agoSo - I had things happen in life. First the good part - I have a job again and my boss is really nice to me, the pay is insanely good for retail work, and I am happy about it. The only shame is I have to leave the job soon in order to get a place to live.
Which brings me to the bad, I’m homeless again, this time I’m to the “I live in a homeless shelter” stage of homelessness, thankfully, I have a job that I got, and didn’t have to spend any nights on the streets, since I planned ahead. I don’t live with my abusive father anymore, either, and I have a place lined up with my friend here.
I’m okay overall, got myself in debt to a credit card but can pay it off thanks to my job! Beyond that though, things are going forwards, I just had to take the most painful route there.
Which brings me to the bad, I’m homeless again, this time I’m to the “I live in a homeless shelter” stage of homelessness, thankfully, I have a job that I got, and didn’t have to spend any nights on the streets, since I planned ahead. I don’t live with my abusive father anymore, either, and I have a place lined up with my friend here.
I’m okay overall, got myself in debt to a credit card but can pay it off thanks to my job! Beyond that though, things are going forwards, I just had to take the most painful route there.
New website!
Posted 3 years agoWoo! I finally made a new website, and it has a link to all of my current projects on it! I'm stepping away from video and audio production, and focusing more on code and music rather than latexy stuff and vinyl.
If you want to check out my website, its https://www.crystalcraftstudios.com/ ! Its very simplistic to allow it to run on early 2000s hardware, since I'm also an old-tech collector to an extent, and want a website I can run on my android 4 phone and 2008 macbook. (Also I like keeping my code simple and clean, rather than adding ads to it or anything else)
There are no cookies that I have control over, no ads, nothing. Its literally just my online portfolio of music and code, as well as a blog thing that's early in development.
Oh, right, and I still exist, I'm just mostly not using FA for the time being, as I've had a lot on my plate, including finding a new place to live.
If you want to check out my website, its https://www.crystalcraftstudios.com/ ! Its very simplistic to allow it to run on early 2000s hardware, since I'm also an old-tech collector to an extent, and want a website I can run on my android 4 phone and 2008 macbook. (Also I like keeping my code simple and clean, rather than adding ads to it or anything else)
There are no cookies that I have control over, no ads, nothing. Its literally just my online portfolio of music and code, as well as a blog thing that's early in development.
Oh, right, and I still exist, I'm just mostly not using FA for the time being, as I've had a lot on my plate, including finding a new place to live.
2022 - update on life, and stuff.
Posted 3 years agoWell, I'm still alive, but making less art. Things with my father here in NH are... sub-ideal, but I'm stuck here for the time being. I can't find work around here, and I can't hold jobs, but I'm working on it. My dissociative identity disorder was diagnosed, so yeah, apparently that was one of my big issues, and I'm still in therapy and stuff, but it's not really helping that much. I'm working on getting my tail out of the US and to a better country where I'll have a chance at recovering from the years of being torn apart by my 'blood family' (AKA the idiots that blame me for them not using rubbers) and a lot of people I've met on my travels.
I have a new mate, this one seems to be one that might be my forever-mate. Her and I are both poly and all, but we both make each other feel complete enough to not want more mates, which is a first for me. Most of my other relationships pushed me to looking for more partners, but I take it as that meaning I was unfulfilled with them all, which is such a weird idea to me. I've spent my entire relationships-time in life wanting multiple mates, but now I feel I have found the one that I could exist for and be the kobold for forever. (If she so desired, of course)
I'm not quite working on any art or projects right now, although I'd love to, but I've been putting up with my father blaming me for all of his stupid mistakes, such as him almost starting a fire the other day because he put something on the burner and turned it on without checking if the burner was clear (He uses the oven as a table) and then walked off to play fortnite whilst the burner was on, starting a small fire, and setting off the fire alarms. He spent the rest of the night shouting at me, blaming me for it, saying I poured syrup on the burner because there was a drop of sauce from his food he was eating on the stove top.
Thanks to him and his irresponsibility, and lack of regard for me, I once again have nearly nothing to consume for the rest of the month, but I'm pretty much used to this by now. Still can't believe I'm still fat, though. Then again, all I eat is ramen noodles, since my budget for food a month is quite low before he starts yelling I'm wasting all of his foodstamps, when half of them are supposed to cover me.
I keep looking for work, and am working with my therapist's office with a job coach to look for work, but I've been instructed to wait, as nowhere is hiring, and my therapist and psychiatrist want me to be certain I'm not going to have a breakdown.
IDK why I'm talking about my mental health and IRL problems here, and I'm just going to do it. Better than Twitter IMO. Plus, nobody reads these anyway. (usually)
Long story short, I'm sick of living with my m37h-addicted father (Leet-speak because IDK if that word is filtered or not, but he does use that stuff) but I'm trapped here. I have my own bedroom, so I stay in here as much as physically possible, and I'm oft too anxious to leave my own room except to use the restroom. I'm too afraid to stay out of my room long enough to shower, and the collar I wear every day is like a security blanket and I can't take it off or I have an anxiety attack, and it's not waterproof.
I can't talk about this stuff with my therapist, either, because if I say things, my father's baby monitor cameras pick up the audio, because he's paranoid and set up baby cameras everywhere.
Anyway, I'm still alive, not the most mentally healthy, but I've got a mate in my life that makes me feel happy and fully fulfilled, and I'm working on immigrating to be close to her, and she's trying to help me, as well as my therapist's office and my social worker helping me with things, such as getting a passport, beginning immigration stuff, and so on. My goal is by 2023 to at least be on some sort of visitor's pass to Canada, and be in the process of immigrating legally.
Thank you for your time, friends.
I have a new mate, this one seems to be one that might be my forever-mate. Her and I are both poly and all, but we both make each other feel complete enough to not want more mates, which is a first for me. Most of my other relationships pushed me to looking for more partners, but I take it as that meaning I was unfulfilled with them all, which is such a weird idea to me. I've spent my entire relationships-time in life wanting multiple mates, but now I feel I have found the one that I could exist for and be the kobold for forever. (If she so desired, of course)
I'm not quite working on any art or projects right now, although I'd love to, but I've been putting up with my father blaming me for all of his stupid mistakes, such as him almost starting a fire the other day because he put something on the burner and turned it on without checking if the burner was clear (He uses the oven as a table) and then walked off to play fortnite whilst the burner was on, starting a small fire, and setting off the fire alarms. He spent the rest of the night shouting at me, blaming me for it, saying I poured syrup on the burner because there was a drop of sauce from his food he was eating on the stove top.
Thanks to him and his irresponsibility, and lack of regard for me, I once again have nearly nothing to consume for the rest of the month, but I'm pretty much used to this by now. Still can't believe I'm still fat, though. Then again, all I eat is ramen noodles, since my budget for food a month is quite low before he starts yelling I'm wasting all of his foodstamps, when half of them are supposed to cover me.
I keep looking for work, and am working with my therapist's office with a job coach to look for work, but I've been instructed to wait, as nowhere is hiring, and my therapist and psychiatrist want me to be certain I'm not going to have a breakdown.
IDK why I'm talking about my mental health and IRL problems here, and I'm just going to do it. Better than Twitter IMO. Plus, nobody reads these anyway. (usually)
Long story short, I'm sick of living with my m37h-addicted father (Leet-speak because IDK if that word is filtered or not, but he does use that stuff) but I'm trapped here. I have my own bedroom, so I stay in here as much as physically possible, and I'm oft too anxious to leave my own room except to use the restroom. I'm too afraid to stay out of my room long enough to shower, and the collar I wear every day is like a security blanket and I can't take it off or I have an anxiety attack, and it's not waterproof.
I can't talk about this stuff with my therapist, either, because if I say things, my father's baby monitor cameras pick up the audio, because he's paranoid and set up baby cameras everywhere.
Anyway, I'm still alive, not the most mentally healthy, but I've got a mate in my life that makes me feel happy and fully fulfilled, and I'm working on immigrating to be close to her, and she's trying to help me, as well as my therapist's office and my social worker helping me with things, such as getting a passport, beginning immigration stuff, and so on. My goal is by 2023 to at least be on some sort of visitor's pass to Canada, and be in the process of immigrating legally.
Thank you for your time, friends.
Flash capacitors - my new enemies
Posted 4 years agoWell... I found out three times that a flash capacitor isn't even slightly safe. I was trying to fix an old point-and-shoot and it discharged into my hand, causing me to throw the camera and my whole body to feel a jolt, and the camera was fully destroyed by the sudden panicked-toss, then I removed the cap and attempted to discharge it by putting it to metal, it didn't go bang, so I thought it was safe. I was handling it to take a pic today and my thumb passed over the terminals and I got another huge shock. I then bent up the bent terminal and put a screwdriver across it and BANG! A 3cm spark-ball blasts out and a 0.5mm chunk of screwdriver atomised.
Woo, flash-caps are now kinda scary to me. 330v and they don't discharge that easy. I had though it discharged when I tried to short it, but I guess not. It's now safely in a plastic bottle in the dumpster padded and isolated. I think it's a wee bit too dangerous for my collection. (And three discharges makes me think that it's still not fully discharged yet somehow even though it probably is by now... hopefully.)
Anyway, that's today in a nutshell. Zapping hurts. Have a good day everyone!
Woo, flash-caps are now kinda scary to me. 330v and they don't discharge that easy. I had though it discharged when I tried to short it, but I guess not. It's now safely in a plastic bottle in the dumpster padded and isolated. I think it's a wee bit too dangerous for my collection. (And three discharges makes me think that it's still not fully discharged yet somehow even though it probably is by now... hopefully.)
Anyway, that's today in a nutshell. Zapping hurts. Have a good day everyone!
Remaking websites
Posted 4 years agoWell, I've finally decided to take my close friend up on his offer to host my website on his server again, and that means I'm going to be working on recreating nexiinerain.com/crystaloscillations.com as one website (Both URLs will link to the same page) I've started the initial writing on my chromebook through the linux DE, but it's a nightmare. I'm at least happy that SublimeText allows you to use its demo for "free" forever. I'd buy it if I could, but I think $100 for a text editor/IDE for personal use is a wee bit excessive, that's getting into high-end DAW entry fees.
Anyway, I'm working on the basic backbones of it, and eventually planning to make it so I can quickly add pages to it through some C++ programme or something. All I know is that this project is a nightmare on this heavily limited hardware, but I'm willing to fight with the limitations Google decided to shove down my throat.
You should also look forward to Google's new operating system when they finally get the idea - a white screen that loads an advert every 10 seconds and can't run any apps! Anyway, that's all I've got. Still have yet to get my things, still am alive, back on estrogen, and still have the endless desire to make music, and my father still manages to annoy me most of the time through his "I know everything and you're wrong" mindset. (Literally, I had him mad at me two days ago because I told him a cup of water and a cup of flour are the same volume, and he thought that 250ml of rice and 500ml of water wasn't the same ratio as 1 cup to 2 cups... Ugh.)
Enough complaining and random garbage from me, love you all, sorry I've stopped making stuff, I also will probably make a new FA when I get my desktop back so I can start anew, or just... erase everything on this one and start over, not sure, but when I get things done, I need to refresh.
Anyway, I'm working on the basic backbones of it, and eventually planning to make it so I can quickly add pages to it through some C++ programme or something. All I know is that this project is a nightmare on this heavily limited hardware, but I'm willing to fight with the limitations Google decided to shove down my throat.
You should also look forward to Google's new operating system when they finally get the idea - a white screen that loads an advert every 10 seconds and can't run any apps! Anyway, that's all I've got. Still have yet to get my things, still am alive, back on estrogen, and still have the endless desire to make music, and my father still manages to annoy me most of the time through his "I know everything and you're wrong" mindset. (Literally, I had him mad at me two days ago because I told him a cup of water and a cup of flour are the same volume, and he thought that 250ml of rice and 500ml of water wasn't the same ratio as 1 cup to 2 cups... Ugh.)
Enough complaining and random garbage from me, love you all, sorry I've stopped making stuff, I also will probably make a new FA when I get my desktop back so I can start anew, or just... erase everything on this one and start over, not sure, but when I get things done, I need to refresh.
Going away for a bit
Posted 4 years agoSorry that this sounds weird as a journal thing, but this was originally going to be a header for my page, but I decided against it and am too lazy and disgusted by butterfly keyswitches to bother to redo it.
I will be back in a few weeks or so, I am going to get the help I've needed for a very long time next month, and after then, I hope to take up my camera my neighbour gave me and make myself into a full-time photographer of sorts. I'm lost in life, I have no goal, I have no plan, but I have my camera, I have my sketchbook, I have a pencil, and I have a safe-enough place to sleep here. Despite the discomfort of this place, I'm at least alive, and not going to have someone else hurt me like before.
I will update this when I get back. I just know if you're checking my page without me posting things, odds are we are personal friends, or you're a person who sees something in me or my work, and I figured you'd appreciate knowing I am alive, safe, and getting help soon. I will likely erase most of my data from this page, such as some posts and journals that I don't like, and just start anew.
I'm hoping to make next month a turning point in my life, the point in which I actually get my bloody life on track and get things done. I'm sick of being eaten alive by my depression and anxiety and whatever else I have. I just want to be angry enough with the world to proudly stomp about as my true self instead of hiding in a pair of jeans and a trench coat to hide that I'm trans and all. I'm sick of being a coward.
Anyway, I'm refreshing when I get back from the hospital next month, and if it's longer than that, just know I'm safe. Love you all~
I will be back in a few weeks or so, I am going to get the help I've needed for a very long time next month, and after then, I hope to take up my camera my neighbour gave me and make myself into a full-time photographer of sorts. I'm lost in life, I have no goal, I have no plan, but I have my camera, I have my sketchbook, I have a pencil, and I have a safe-enough place to sleep here. Despite the discomfort of this place, I'm at least alive, and not going to have someone else hurt me like before.
I will update this when I get back. I just know if you're checking my page without me posting things, odds are we are personal friends, or you're a person who sees something in me or my work, and I figured you'd appreciate knowing I am alive, safe, and getting help soon. I will likely erase most of my data from this page, such as some posts and journals that I don't like, and just start anew.
I'm hoping to make next month a turning point in my life, the point in which I actually get my bloody life on track and get things done. I'm sick of being eaten alive by my depression and anxiety and whatever else I have. I just want to be angry enough with the world to proudly stomp about as my true self instead of hiding in a pair of jeans and a trench coat to hide that I'm trans and all. I'm sick of being a coward.
Anyway, I'm refreshing when I get back from the hospital next month, and if it's longer than that, just know I'm safe. Love you all~
Update 8-13-21
Posted 4 years agoWell, I figured the few of you that read these things might be curious as to why I haven't been talking at all recently here, posting anything, commenting, etc. Long story short, I've got a lot of work to do on myself before I can really do much.
I have tried to get work in the city I live in now, and the one place that I could work here is one I can't work at, as I just turned 20, and the minimum age is 21, as the company is based in Maine, and Maine says you can't sell alcohol until you may drink it. It's a dumb rule, but I have to wait, and on top of that, my mental status has been... well, let's just say my father has requested that, once I am on his insurance, I go to the hospital for a while to finally get the help I've been trying to get for the past few years. I'm pretty sure it'll help, and my dearest love also is urging me to get the help I need on top of it. The biggest issue now is getting my medicaid ended in other states, as the pandemic made it incredibly hard to terminate medicaid, for obvious reasons.
I also have been back to sketching here and there, and am hoping to write a story or two for myself about Koroti, my new primary OC. (The balloon protogen, but the lore takes place well before she gets balloonified)
I now also have a chromebook, and tried to fix the laptop again to no avail. I tried a new SSD, tried new RAM, tried jiggling things about, but it really is the CPU that's dead on it, so until I get my old stuff back, I can't touch it.
I also found out yesterday that my mother has been stalking me for the past two years. She has continuously paid for my SIM card as to have the power to check call, text, and data search records. She has been checking my banking logs, and reading all of my mail she has going there, she even went to the extent of having my stepfather (whom is dead to me) go to the bank and take primary ownership over my bank, as he was a co-signer since I was 16 when the account was opened, so he had the power.
Needless to say, finding out that I've had her stalking me, using cell towers to check where I have been, etc. has been terrible for my already terrible paranoia. Not to mention, she's not the only one keeping tabs on me. I know another person who knows about this profile who is more than likely reading it to ensure I don't tell people what he did to me, too. Seriously, this stuff is driving me insane. I kind of want to take that SIM card, light it on fire, grind it to dust, and then burn that dust, then delete all of my social media platforms and start over under a new name just to get the creeps away, but I know that they'll find me again.
It's funny how the ones on the internet worthy of trust are the ones I've never lived with, and the ones I've lived with are basically what happens when you take evil and put it in a body.
Anyway, sorry to go on a rant there, I've not been able to write in my diary lately, as my father has completely covered the only table in his apartment with car parts and power tools, and I don't want to make him mad by moving it all around, and writing on the floor hurts my chest. Bad.
I'm planning on getting my first reel of photos developed soonish, as soon as I have money for it, and I'm halfway through my second reel, so when I get them developed, if they turn out good, expect to see a few. I am thinking about posting a photo or two from my trip to the ocean yesterday, but I probably won't since it's within a few miles of where I live, and I'm rather paranoid for no reason.
I think that's where I'm stopping myself today. Not too sure if anyone will read it, and sorry if it's not great to read. Have a great day.
I have tried to get work in the city I live in now, and the one place that I could work here is one I can't work at, as I just turned 20, and the minimum age is 21, as the company is based in Maine, and Maine says you can't sell alcohol until you may drink it. It's a dumb rule, but I have to wait, and on top of that, my mental status has been... well, let's just say my father has requested that, once I am on his insurance, I go to the hospital for a while to finally get the help I've been trying to get for the past few years. I'm pretty sure it'll help, and my dearest love also is urging me to get the help I need on top of it. The biggest issue now is getting my medicaid ended in other states, as the pandemic made it incredibly hard to terminate medicaid, for obvious reasons.
I also have been back to sketching here and there, and am hoping to write a story or two for myself about Koroti, my new primary OC. (The balloon protogen, but the lore takes place well before she gets balloonified)
I now also have a chromebook, and tried to fix the laptop again to no avail. I tried a new SSD, tried new RAM, tried jiggling things about, but it really is the CPU that's dead on it, so until I get my old stuff back, I can't touch it.
I also found out yesterday that my mother has been stalking me for the past two years. She has continuously paid for my SIM card as to have the power to check call, text, and data search records. She has been checking my banking logs, and reading all of my mail she has going there, she even went to the extent of having my stepfather (whom is dead to me) go to the bank and take primary ownership over my bank, as he was a co-signer since I was 16 when the account was opened, so he had the power.
Needless to say, finding out that I've had her stalking me, using cell towers to check where I have been, etc. has been terrible for my already terrible paranoia. Not to mention, she's not the only one keeping tabs on me. I know another person who knows about this profile who is more than likely reading it to ensure I don't tell people what he did to me, too. Seriously, this stuff is driving me insane. I kind of want to take that SIM card, light it on fire, grind it to dust, and then burn that dust, then delete all of my social media platforms and start over under a new name just to get the creeps away, but I know that they'll find me again.
It's funny how the ones on the internet worthy of trust are the ones I've never lived with, and the ones I've lived with are basically what happens when you take evil and put it in a body.
Anyway, sorry to go on a rant there, I've not been able to write in my diary lately, as my father has completely covered the only table in his apartment with car parts and power tools, and I don't want to make him mad by moving it all around, and writing on the floor hurts my chest. Bad.
I'm planning on getting my first reel of photos developed soonish, as soon as I have money for it, and I'm halfway through my second reel, so when I get them developed, if they turn out good, expect to see a few. I am thinking about posting a photo or two from my trip to the ocean yesterday, but I probably won't since it's within a few miles of where I live, and I'm rather paranoid for no reason.
I think that's where I'm stopping myself today. Not too sure if anyone will read it, and sorry if it's not great to read. Have a great day.
Update 6-3-21
Posted 4 years agoWell, my laptop died, and then I got a replacement with help from my dear Xy, and then I returned that when Google didn't load and exchanged it for a chromebook. This cheap chromebook is nice but annoying since ChromeOS is bad for many reasons. Still not a bad machine, though! It has an 8-core ARM processor so I can probably slap raspbian on it someday if I get a new PC!
Well, life is still shit and not getting better
Posted 4 years agoI'm being shipped back to my birth-state now. I'm going to be 20 minutes away from my mother, the person who hurt me most ever, and my brother I guarantee will tell her where I am and then I'll get her coming after me or my stepfather coming after me with his gun for being trans.
Don't be surprised if I vanish for good. I'm terrified, but there's nothing anyone can do. I think that this is the last chapter in my life, though. I sure hope so.
Not sure if this is goodbye forever or just a few days, but either way, bye.
If you know me in person, no, I don't blame you if things go wrong, it's not your fault my life keeps falling apart. It's my own fucking fault that I decided to trust the wrong people for two years straight, it's my fault I trusted rapists and got assaulted, it's my fault I had guns pointed at my head, it's my fault I'm going to be back in the state I was born in. If I had used my brain instead of wanting to be a fucking disney princess, maybe I would have done something right for once.
Anyways, bye. I don't care if you comment here, I suggest you report me for this one so you can get my profile deleted. I don't need it anymore, anyways. Stay safe, people, you're all the ones that actually matter.
Don't be surprised if I vanish for good. I'm terrified, but there's nothing anyone can do. I think that this is the last chapter in my life, though. I sure hope so.
Not sure if this is goodbye forever or just a few days, but either way, bye.
If you know me in person, no, I don't blame you if things go wrong, it's not your fault my life keeps falling apart. It's my own fucking fault that I decided to trust the wrong people for two years straight, it's my fault I trusted rapists and got assaulted, it's my fault I had guns pointed at my head, it's my fault I'm going to be back in the state I was born in. If I had used my brain instead of wanting to be a fucking disney princess, maybe I would have done something right for once.
Anyways, bye. I don't care if you comment here, I suggest you report me for this one so you can get my profile deleted. I don't need it anymore, anyways. Stay safe, people, you're all the ones that actually matter.
Finally in a safe place - Still job hunting
Posted 4 years agoWell, some friends that it turns out I've known for quite a while but knew nothing of outside of the fandom lived in this area and were friends with my "replacement father" I had been moving to, and luckily the two of them were able to give me a couch to sleep on until I can afford an apartment, instead of living in a shelter!
I still don't have 99% of my things, meaning I can't even edit my videos, but I was luckily brought to a model shop by my replacement father figure and I got some snap-together models of Dragonite, Lugia, and Charizard. I'll be uploading pictures of them soon!
The video I had been planning is a bit too hefty for this 2014 high-grade business laptop to edit, but whenever I'm able to either get a new upgraded laptop (my main plan for the time being whenever I get a job and an apartment since getting my things up North isn't going to be cheap at all) or get my desktop, I'll work on it. Until then, I'm not going to really be doing much art, but I may share photos I take, like I normally do.
I can already say that Michigan is WAY more accepting towards me as a trans woman than West Virginia was. Instead of looks of disgust and nobody talking to me, I get "Hello" and "Good morning" and people actually are happy to call me Katie instead of my deadname.
I had a borderline full-on breakdown yesterday until my friends helped me, I was dead certain I'd be sleeping on the streets. I don't know how so many people do it, I couldn't handle it. One thing's for sure, if I ever can, I'm hoping to make a program to help homeless people out more. I know there are a lot, but they're all so restrictive over things, like, one shelter I had talked to, the only one that seemed to be open in any way told me that the only way to get in was if you had only one bag, and none of them even allow anyone to have or store safety tools like pepper spray.
I'm infinitely glad I got help, and I'm infinitely saddened that people have to deal with this stuff for so long in their lives. I knew I wanted to be able to set up a program to help people in the future somehow, but I think I have all the more reason to do it again. I just want to keep people from having to deal with it. I haven't slept on the streets before except the one time my parents made me sleep outside as a punishment for not cleaning my room, but be it my mental problems or the stress I should have been feeling, I don't EVER want to see anyone being forced to do that sort of terrifying thing again.
Maybe I'll just volunteer at the local Salvation Army or something, or maybe someday I'll find a business venture that works really well and help the homeless off the streets. No clue. Only time can tell.
Thank you all for your love and support recently, it's been helping me keep moving. I'm notoriously fragile emotionally thanks to the course of my life so far, and it's helped me keep a string of hope in my heart. You're all great, and I love you all, as always. Thank you all, friends, you all make the world better in your own special way!
I still don't have 99% of my things, meaning I can't even edit my videos, but I was luckily brought to a model shop by my replacement father figure and I got some snap-together models of Dragonite, Lugia, and Charizard. I'll be uploading pictures of them soon!
The video I had been planning is a bit too hefty for this 2014 high-grade business laptop to edit, but whenever I'm able to either get a new upgraded laptop (my main plan for the time being whenever I get a job and an apartment since getting my things up North isn't going to be cheap at all) or get my desktop, I'll work on it. Until then, I'm not going to really be doing much art, but I may share photos I take, like I normally do.
I can already say that Michigan is WAY more accepting towards me as a trans woman than West Virginia was. Instead of looks of disgust and nobody talking to me, I get "Hello" and "Good morning" and people actually are happy to call me Katie instead of my deadname.
I had a borderline full-on breakdown yesterday until my friends helped me, I was dead certain I'd be sleeping on the streets. I don't know how so many people do it, I couldn't handle it. One thing's for sure, if I ever can, I'm hoping to make a program to help homeless people out more. I know there are a lot, but they're all so restrictive over things, like, one shelter I had talked to, the only one that seemed to be open in any way told me that the only way to get in was if you had only one bag, and none of them even allow anyone to have or store safety tools like pepper spray.
I'm infinitely glad I got help, and I'm infinitely saddened that people have to deal with this stuff for so long in their lives. I knew I wanted to be able to set up a program to help people in the future somehow, but I think I have all the more reason to do it again. I just want to keep people from having to deal with it. I haven't slept on the streets before except the one time my parents made me sleep outside as a punishment for not cleaning my room, but be it my mental problems or the stress I should have been feeling, I don't EVER want to see anyone being forced to do that sort of terrifying thing again.
Maybe I'll just volunteer at the local Salvation Army or something, or maybe someday I'll find a business venture that works really well and help the homeless off the streets. No clue. Only time can tell.
Thank you all for your love and support recently, it's been helping me keep moving. I'm notoriously fragile emotionally thanks to the course of my life so far, and it's helped me keep a string of hope in my heart. You're all great, and I love you all, as always. Thank you all, friends, you all make the world better in your own special way!
Made it - Working out the final plan.
Posted 4 years agoJust as it said, I'm safe, I'm currently with the person I count as my father and I'm planning to go to a program thing tomorrow and I hope that they'll help. I don't have it guaranteed, but I do at least have a place to sleep tonight. Might also be able to find work, since there are a lot of places looking for employees and nobody cares that I'm trans here.
Leaving tomorrow morning - stay safe, friends
Posted 4 years agoWell, things are moving along. I'm going to be completely honest. I'm damn glad to be leaving this town full of bigots and morons and loud people that ignore every word I say. I'm glad to be moving on. I'm scared out of my mind about what is going to happen in two days when I wind up in Michigan. I have found some programs that might assist me in finding housing, but until that works out or until I find a homeless shelter I can stay in, I'm homeless on the streets and stuck without work.
Luckily I have a friend in that town who is willing to let me clean myself up at his place for any job interviews.
I haven't eaten all day due to stress and the fact that the person I'm 99% certain is being put here instead of me (Male roommate's sister) has been sitting on the couch all-day every-day since I was told I'm being kicked out.
I have a day and a half night-and-day on the bus ahead of me starting at 10 in the morning tomorrow. I have nothing to bring for eating or drinking on the bus, but I'm hoping something is open when I make it to my layover in Chicago.
Stay safe, everyone. I'll post some photos from my travels as I can. I can't guarantee anything, though.
Luckily I have a friend in that town who is willing to let me clean myself up at his place for any job interviews.
I haven't eaten all day due to stress and the fact that the person I'm 99% certain is being put here instead of me (Male roommate's sister) has been sitting on the couch all-day every-day since I was told I'm being kicked out.
I have a day and a half night-and-day on the bus ahead of me starting at 10 in the morning tomorrow. I have nothing to bring for eating or drinking on the bus, but I'm hoping something is open when I make it to my layover in Chicago.
Stay safe, everyone. I'll post some photos from my travels as I can. I can't guarantee anything, though.
Update 7-2-21
Posted 4 years agoWell, I found out that one year ago I took my first dose of HRT, one long year, one long journey. So much has changed about me, physically and emotionally in this year alone, and once again, I must make another big step in my life.
I have a move date, 7-6-21. After then, I'm not sure if or when I'll be able to talk here again. I'm not doing the photo thing, as I have to pack instead.
I have a move date, 7-6-21. After then, I'm not sure if or when I'll be able to talk here again. I'm not doing the photo thing, as I have to pack instead.
Photo Dump Inbound - Last full posts for a while, probabl...
Posted 4 years agoSince at the end of this week, I'll be moving again, and am unsure when I'll be able to update this website, I'm going through my external HDD and finding a bunch of old photos from my travels. I'll do my best to upload them in chronological order to tell a bit of my life story.
I'm partially doing this just in case I never get to make another post again, and also because really, why not? I've got nothing to lose in posting some photos. I'm not going to show anyone's face except my own, though. And yes, this will end with a modern face reveal, because why not?
This may be a lot of photos, I'm estimating at least 20 or so, I may post quite a few more, though. I will also be avoiding reposting ones I have already posted, instead, if such an event becomes critical to telling the story, I'll be deleting that post, or linking it in the description. I intend to put these photos together in order, and put a directory in the bottom of the dump, helping you navigate (AKA Next and Previous)
Thank you everyone, I'm not sure after I leave when I'll be back here on FA, but I can hopefully expect to be able to use Twitter.
I'm partially doing this just in case I never get to make another post again, and also because really, why not? I've got nothing to lose in posting some photos. I'm not going to show anyone's face except my own, though. And yes, this will end with a modern face reveal, because why not?
This may be a lot of photos, I'm estimating at least 20 or so, I may post quite a few more, though. I will also be avoiding reposting ones I have already posted, instead, if such an event becomes critical to telling the story, I'll be deleting that post, or linking it in the description. I intend to put these photos together in order, and put a directory in the bottom of the dump, helping you navigate (AKA Next and Previous)
Thank you everyone, I'm not sure after I leave when I'll be back here on FA, but I can hopefully expect to be able to use Twitter.
Another Journey - Time to Fight
Posted 4 years agoThis is an update to the begging for help I've posted earlier. I was able to get a backpack and service for a phone, my goal is to move to Michigan, go to a homeless shelter there, get a job, save up some money, get a small rundown apartment, and just survive.
I then hope to work that job long enough to get a passport and immigrate to Canada someday. I'm done not having dreams. My GF was a catfish, so what, I've moved on. I can't worry about the time that I lost, instead I can only focus on how to survive another day.
I'm not a religious person, but as I see it, I've been crawling through the pits of Hades for the last nearly 2 decades, and this is just the River Styx, my last barrier before I make it to the land of the living, and can finally have a life with peace and happiness and love.
Things are always darkest before the dawn, and, well, it's pitch black. I best light my torch, take a deep breath, and tread onward. I've got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I can lose everything over and over since the only thing I have that I could ever lose are my friends, all of which I see as my family, as my birth family wants nothing to do with me at all. All of you are my family in a way, you're all close friends, even if I don't know you that well.
I might go dark for a while, but I'll try to update this page from time to time with photos from my travels, journals about what's going on, I will be updating my Twitter more, most likely, as that's something built into the awful phone I got that'll do the trick for the time being.
Thank you for all of your support, this is not goodbye, I won't let the world take me out of it this easy. I'm done with being down and depressed, I'm done letting people take advantage of me, I'm tired of having to beg people for help. I have to fight to keep my head over the waters in this river, swim against the current, but I hope that when I make it to the other end, I may be fortunate enough to help others from meeting the same struggles as I have.
Odds are that I'll be writing my story out at some point. I'm not sure when, I'm not sure if I really will, but with all the twists and turns, I've got nothing better to do with such a strange story than to hopefully let it act as motivation or potentially help another person through similar situations. I'm not going to go through my life in this journal, but I am going to say that I've kept a lot off of FA for fear that the involved parties would come after me.
I love you all, I thank you all, never forget that you all mean more than you can imagine to the world.
I then hope to work that job long enough to get a passport and immigrate to Canada someday. I'm done not having dreams. My GF was a catfish, so what, I've moved on. I can't worry about the time that I lost, instead I can only focus on how to survive another day.
I'm not a religious person, but as I see it, I've been crawling through the pits of Hades for the last nearly 2 decades, and this is just the River Styx, my last barrier before I make it to the land of the living, and can finally have a life with peace and happiness and love.
Things are always darkest before the dawn, and, well, it's pitch black. I best light my torch, take a deep breath, and tread onward. I've got nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I can lose everything over and over since the only thing I have that I could ever lose are my friends, all of which I see as my family, as my birth family wants nothing to do with me at all. All of you are my family in a way, you're all close friends, even if I don't know you that well.
I might go dark for a while, but I'll try to update this page from time to time with photos from my travels, journals about what's going on, I will be updating my Twitter more, most likely, as that's something built into the awful phone I got that'll do the trick for the time being.
Thank you for all of your support, this is not goodbye, I won't let the world take me out of it this easy. I'm done with being down and depressed, I'm done letting people take advantage of me, I'm tired of having to beg people for help. I have to fight to keep my head over the waters in this river, swim against the current, but I hope that when I make it to the other end, I may be fortunate enough to help others from meeting the same struggles as I have.
Odds are that I'll be writing my story out at some point. I'm not sure when, I'm not sure if I really will, but with all the twists and turns, I've got nothing better to do with such a strange story than to hopefully let it act as motivation or potentially help another person through similar situations. I'm not going to go through my life in this journal, but I am going to say that I've kept a lot off of FA for fear that the involved parties would come after me.
I love you all, I thank you all, never forget that you all mean more than you can imagine to the world.
An unusual situation - in a good way
Posted 4 years agoSomething weird happened today, well, something I know that happens to me, but something I completely forgot about.
Working on the collar and actually making something with my hands, it actually made me smile for once in a long while. I can't remember the last time I actually smiled, and I honestly forgot how much making things made me happy. I think this is probably my calling, crafting things, that is.
Last time I remember feeling this happy would be back in high school, when I was in my computer and telecoms class, my woodworking class, or especially my sewing class. There is a reason I was the weird "guy" that took sewing every year in high school and begged the administrators to come up with a fourth sewing class I could take. (That was the most rewarding one, in my eyes, I got to teach some of the special needs students sewing, and the kid I was paired with was friggin' epic.)
I just need to find myself a place I can settle down and set up a studio, I guess. Maybe instead of focusing on electrical engineering if I get into college ever, I can just focus on design, and sewing. Sure, I may never become a fashion designer, but maybe I can self-train myself in more advanced latex, vinyl, and fabric work and start up my own little maker studio. I have experimented with making handpaws back in high school. (And yes, I also worked on those during instruction in my computer class, and people knew me so well they didn't even think about it twice.)
I think my true calling in life isn't programming, science, electronics, or any of the things I thought I liked growing up, I think I'm a designer, a seamstress, a crafter, a maker. I want to do this until I physically can't anymore, every second of it makes me happier and happier.
Sorry for this weird happy-rant, but honestly, if you've followed along in my journals before, it probably beats the depression me I tend to try to keep to Discord and myself for the most part. Thanks for reading, I'm hoping to work on small projects with my remaining latex and see what goodies I can make, as well as making a better second design, maybe I can keep this happiness going for a good while. I sure hope so.
It's kind of like coming out of myself, in a way, coming out of the shadows I feel trapped in, and finally feeling the light again. Thanks for all the support, everyone, especially the guy I'm fairly certain will reply to this. You all mean a lot to me!
Working on the collar and actually making something with my hands, it actually made me smile for once in a long while. I can't remember the last time I actually smiled, and I honestly forgot how much making things made me happy. I think this is probably my calling, crafting things, that is.
Last time I remember feeling this happy would be back in high school, when I was in my computer and telecoms class, my woodworking class, or especially my sewing class. There is a reason I was the weird "guy" that took sewing every year in high school and begged the administrators to come up with a fourth sewing class I could take. (That was the most rewarding one, in my eyes, I got to teach some of the special needs students sewing, and the kid I was paired with was friggin' epic.)
I just need to find myself a place I can settle down and set up a studio, I guess. Maybe instead of focusing on electrical engineering if I get into college ever, I can just focus on design, and sewing. Sure, I may never become a fashion designer, but maybe I can self-train myself in more advanced latex, vinyl, and fabric work and start up my own little maker studio. I have experimented with making handpaws back in high school. (And yes, I also worked on those during instruction in my computer class, and people knew me so well they didn't even think about it twice.)
I think my true calling in life isn't programming, science, electronics, or any of the things I thought I liked growing up, I think I'm a designer, a seamstress, a crafter, a maker. I want to do this until I physically can't anymore, every second of it makes me happier and happier.
Sorry for this weird happy-rant, but honestly, if you've followed along in my journals before, it probably beats the depression me I tend to try to keep to Discord and myself for the most part. Thanks for reading, I'm hoping to work on small projects with my remaining latex and see what goodies I can make, as well as making a better second design, maybe I can keep this happiness going for a good while. I sure hope so.
It's kind of like coming out of myself, in a way, coming out of the shadows I feel trapped in, and finally feeling the light again. Thanks for all the support, everyone, especially the guy I'm fairly certain will reply to this. You all mean a lot to me!
Latex Collar Project Update
Posted 4 years agoWell, today I have some good news! I have made the collar successfully and am currently letting it cure before I do the intro and outro of my video. I will be posting this video on one of my two main channels, likely my "after dark" one, as my main one has copy-strikes on it from playing Forza and the in-game music playing.
This will also kind of count as a voice reveal on that channel since I've always worn my kitsune mask on it so far. I don't really want to post it there, since I want a partial separation between myself and my "kinky" content, but sometimes things don't work out that way. Plus, if this is going to be my business, what does it matter? I kind of want to be an open person, after all.
So, I'll be uploading some photos and some good frames from my video if I find any during editing.
Big spoiler on the video, the project didn't turn out how I expected since I initially over-engineered it far too much. I will add a disclaimer at the beginning. I also found that half-mil latex does not make the cut for a "domproof" collar, as half-mil is super stretchy. In the future, I will have to work with one-mil latex, or double-layer the latex before cutting and making the collar.
either way, it'll be stronger, and two half-mil pieces or three half-mil pieces offer another layer of customization to the collars.
My supplier of latex (MJTrends) has a very slim selection of one-mil latex colours to select from, but there are at least 20 in half-mil if memory serves, meaning that it's probably a better idea to layer half-mil sheets.
Expect the video to be linked on this page and my Twitter here in a day or two. (Depends on how fast my little hockey puck PC can edit video in Shotcut!)
Thanks for reading, friends!
This will also kind of count as a voice reveal on that channel since I've always worn my kitsune mask on it so far. I don't really want to post it there, since I want a partial separation between myself and my "kinky" content, but sometimes things don't work out that way. Plus, if this is going to be my business, what does it matter? I kind of want to be an open person, after all.
So, I'll be uploading some photos and some good frames from my video if I find any during editing.
Big spoiler on the video, the project didn't turn out how I expected since I initially over-engineered it far too much. I will add a disclaimer at the beginning. I also found that half-mil latex does not make the cut for a "domproof" collar, as half-mil is super stretchy. In the future, I will have to work with one-mil latex, or double-layer the latex before cutting and making the collar.
either way, it'll be stronger, and two half-mil pieces or three half-mil pieces offer another layer of customization to the collars.
My supplier of latex (MJTrends) has a very slim selection of one-mil latex colours to select from, but there are at least 20 in half-mil if memory serves, meaning that it's probably a better idea to layer half-mil sheets.
Expect the video to be linked on this page and my Twitter here in a day or two. (Depends on how fast my little hockey puck PC can edit video in Shotcut!)
Thanks for reading, friends!
Forgot Tweeter login, so made a new one. Me dingus.
Posted 4 years agoI did a stupid and now forgot the login to my twitter, so I had to make a new one since the last one got locked when I reset windoodoo.
CrystalCraftSt1
I'm rebranding the overall profile to be along the lines of my new "overall" brand - CrystalCraft Studios, instead of my "artist name" of CrystalOscillations. Yeah, I know they're really, really long, but honestly, means that I can keep myself underground. If I ever got signed by a label, I'd shorten it probably. C-Osc? No clue. Anyways, if you want it, you have it. Feel free to give me your twitters to follow, I'ma not keep it professional since if BetaEtaDelota can get away with being a furry on Twitter and be cool, I can at least do the former!
CrystalCraftSt1
I'm rebranding the overall profile to be along the lines of my new "overall" brand - CrystalCraft Studios, instead of my "artist name" of CrystalOscillations. Yeah, I know they're really, really long, but honestly, means that I can keep myself underground. If I ever got signed by a label, I'd shorten it probably. C-Osc? No clue. Anyways, if you want it, you have it. Feel free to give me your twitters to follow, I'ma not keep it professional since if BetaEtaDelota can get away with being a furry on Twitter and be cool, I can at least do the former!
Shit hit a fan, all right.
Posted 4 years agoToday is a slightly dark day. I'm mad at Microsoft and, quite saddened to say AMD as well.
My beloved Ryzen 3 3100 burnt out somehow, despite being well-cooled, and properly installed, I'm willing to bet it was just a bad chip from the factory, but this, paired with the drivers that I couldn't uninstall when I swapped to my ancient i7 motherboard lead me to have to fully reinstall Windows from scratch.
This was my biggest fear with my computer failing. First off, because none of my gmail accounts can be re-linked to Mail in Windows due to some stupid "settings missing" error that has no resolution, and most importantly, I have to reinstall Cubase, as well as about 150 different VST plugins manually. I'd be able to knock this out in about a day, if it weren't for the incredibly slow net speed.
Right now, using no extra bandwidth, I'm peaking at 1mbps down, and I've got about 200GB of things I need to install total. At least I was smart enough to copy most of my important files, but sadly, I lost all of my saves in all of the two games I played, as well as my high scores in Space Cadet Pinball, and the install of that. (RIP my 3.9mil record.)
I need to contact AMD and see what can be done about my failed processor. I'm 99% certain they'll pull the "well, you shouldn't have overclocked it" card, despite the fact that I never overclock anything, due to not fully understanding it. (I know that my experience with computers may make some people mistake me for a computer person, but in reality, I really, really hate computers. I can't watch how they work, so I can't fully understand them, ever.)
So, it looks like my next 2-4 days is going to be 0 sleep and a whole lot of downloading installers. At least I got some new tea yesterday.
My beloved Ryzen 3 3100 burnt out somehow, despite being well-cooled, and properly installed, I'm willing to bet it was just a bad chip from the factory, but this, paired with the drivers that I couldn't uninstall when I swapped to my ancient i7 motherboard lead me to have to fully reinstall Windows from scratch.
This was my biggest fear with my computer failing. First off, because none of my gmail accounts can be re-linked to Mail in Windows due to some stupid "settings missing" error that has no resolution, and most importantly, I have to reinstall Cubase, as well as about 150 different VST plugins manually. I'd be able to knock this out in about a day, if it weren't for the incredibly slow net speed.
Right now, using no extra bandwidth, I'm peaking at 1mbps down, and I've got about 200GB of things I need to install total. At least I was smart enough to copy most of my important files, but sadly, I lost all of my saves in all of the two games I played, as well as my high scores in Space Cadet Pinball, and the install of that. (RIP my 3.9mil record.)
I need to contact AMD and see what can be done about my failed processor. I'm 99% certain they'll pull the "well, you shouldn't have overclocked it" card, despite the fact that I never overclock anything, due to not fully understanding it. (I know that my experience with computers may make some people mistake me for a computer person, but in reality, I really, really hate computers. I can't watch how they work, so I can't fully understand them, ever.)
So, it looks like my next 2-4 days is going to be 0 sleep and a whole lot of downloading installers. At least I got some new tea yesterday.
Update - 13-6-21
Posted 4 years agoFirst, I'm, in protest of the US not using international date codes, measurements, and the like, now switching over to international everything, especially date codes, since day, month, year makes WAY more sense than month, day, year in my eyes.
Second, the collar project - I will be sharing a photo of the latex later tonight, I found that one of my old beater phones I bought from some dude whom I don't want to remember who was throwing it out last January has a pretty awesome camera, so that covers my broken phone. The latex is here, but I still have yet to be able to go out to the craft store in the next state over to get my fabric shears or the buckles or D-rings. I have to wait for my roommate's next day off and ask her again, I guess.
Third, My PC is still being stupid, but is at least stable enough to run Cubase. I think it might be more than likely that my GPU is a piece of trash, since it's literally an RX550 4GB with a VGA port on it (which, at the time of buying it, I didn't realise wasn't a thing that it supports natively) so I think that "Yeston" sold me a fake GPU, which would explain why the drivers crash at least once a boot, and why the PC is so unstable. Either that, or it's got a custom BIOS and DAC on it to make the VGA signal, which, at the dirt-cheap price point of sub-$150US I spent on it, is incredibly, incredibly unlikely.
Fourth, I'm working on my stress management, since I've had a lot of stuff tearing me apart inside, and it's causing me to freak out a lot, and probably taking years off my life. By working on stress management, I mostly mean drinking coffee at 4AM and sleeping during the late afternoon and actually eating for once.
I am hoping to get a prototype collar done within three days of being able to get the materials I need to actually work on one. I think I can quite easily do it, but I'm mostly just dealing with the slight annoyance of my roommate deciding to not, or quite possibly just forgetting to help me get to the craft store. I'd walk there, but it's about a two day walk, and that's along a highway. I can't get a taxi out there, and in this rural area, there's no bus line.
I should be moving to a friend's at some point, since he's willing to help me, since my roommates don't want me here due to me not finding a job, which, honestly, I fully understand. I'm hoping that up there in [redacted] state, I'll be able to find a job really, really easy. I should, since it's a big city, and those tend to be a lot less bigoted than a place like the one I'm in, and on top of that, there's just more places to work there.
I also have a few circuitry design ideas to try, like an experimental relay gate I designed, which, if it works, will allow quite a lot of analogue strangeness, or even possibly work as a relay oscillator. Only issue on a relay oscillator is that I need to use an LM741 operational amplifier IC to boost the input signal to at least 5V, otherwise the signal most likely won't actuate the relay entirely, or possibly at all.
That's about it today, thanks for reading, and once again, sorry for the absolute breakdown I had the other day.
Second, the collar project - I will be sharing a photo of the latex later tonight, I found that one of my old beater phones I bought from some dude whom I don't want to remember who was throwing it out last January has a pretty awesome camera, so that covers my broken phone. The latex is here, but I still have yet to be able to go out to the craft store in the next state over to get my fabric shears or the buckles or D-rings. I have to wait for my roommate's next day off and ask her again, I guess.
Third, My PC is still being stupid, but is at least stable enough to run Cubase. I think it might be more than likely that my GPU is a piece of trash, since it's literally an RX550 4GB with a VGA port on it (which, at the time of buying it, I didn't realise wasn't a thing that it supports natively) so I think that "Yeston" sold me a fake GPU, which would explain why the drivers crash at least once a boot, and why the PC is so unstable. Either that, or it's got a custom BIOS and DAC on it to make the VGA signal, which, at the dirt-cheap price point of sub-$150US I spent on it, is incredibly, incredibly unlikely.
Fourth, I'm working on my stress management, since I've had a lot of stuff tearing me apart inside, and it's causing me to freak out a lot, and probably taking years off my life. By working on stress management, I mostly mean drinking coffee at 4AM and sleeping during the late afternoon and actually eating for once.
I am hoping to get a prototype collar done within three days of being able to get the materials I need to actually work on one. I think I can quite easily do it, but I'm mostly just dealing with the slight annoyance of my roommate deciding to not, or quite possibly just forgetting to help me get to the craft store. I'd walk there, but it's about a two day walk, and that's along a highway. I can't get a taxi out there, and in this rural area, there's no bus line.
I should be moving to a friend's at some point, since he's willing to help me, since my roommates don't want me here due to me not finding a job, which, honestly, I fully understand. I'm hoping that up there in [redacted] state, I'll be able to find a job really, really easy. I should, since it's a big city, and those tend to be a lot less bigoted than a place like the one I'm in, and on top of that, there's just more places to work there.
I also have a few circuitry design ideas to try, like an experimental relay gate I designed, which, if it works, will allow quite a lot of analogue strangeness, or even possibly work as a relay oscillator. Only issue on a relay oscillator is that I need to use an LM741 operational amplifier IC to boost the input signal to at least 5V, otherwise the signal most likely won't actuate the relay entirely, or possibly at all.
That's about it today, thanks for reading, and once again, sorry for the absolute breakdown I had the other day.
And fuck my life more.
Posted 4 years agoDesktop died. Brand new, dead. Can't make it to the grocery store either and I have no food for myself so, that plus all the other BS in my life right now, I'm just done.
I'm 90% certain that I'm done with music, I'll upload the current newest version of Aelius, and honestly, thanks to my PC killing itself, that's probably all that'll happen. The instant I start to like doing something, it's gone. Nothing's reliable anymore. I'm going to shut up now, just, no more photos since my phone broke from a light bump on a PC mouse, and no music since my PC won't stay on for more than 10 minutes without just shutting off, and after testing everything, turns out it's magic. Probably the brand new CPU, or motherboard, or GPU. I don't care anymore. This isn't even the stuff I really am worried about anyways.
I'm 90% certain that I'm done with music, I'll upload the current newest version of Aelius, and honestly, thanks to my PC killing itself, that's probably all that'll happen. The instant I start to like doing something, it's gone. Nothing's reliable anymore. I'm going to shut up now, just, no more photos since my phone broke from a light bump on a PC mouse, and no music since my PC won't stay on for more than 10 minutes without just shutting off, and after testing everything, turns out it's magic. Probably the brand new CPU, or motherboard, or GPU. I don't care anymore. This isn't even the stuff I really am worried about anyways.
Life - Really, really stressful, again.
Posted 4 years agoWell, to start off, happy pride month, everybody! I love each and every one of you!
Now, just to get this off my chest since obviously talking to my friends on Discord about it isn't ever enough, things are once again really, really, difficult. My new roommates, the good ones, the ones I like and still like despite this have informed me I have about two months to get out of here, since every place I have applied to threw my application out.
I had an itch of an idea as to why at least one of them did, and it was set in stone yesterday when I went into the dollar store and got snacks, and the manager who had interviewed me looked happy, and then noticed me, gaining this look of pure disgust, hatefulness, and disdain. I had been nice to her at the interview, but I had a feeling she'd be one of this type of people when she brought up church and threatened to have me arrested if I ever stole (which, of course, she has me on camera never even attempting)
My relationship is, at this rate, looking pretty fucked on account of things I can't say. It wasn't a fight, or a breakup, but something that makes me far more disappointed in myself for not being able to go there to help.
I've realized just about everybody I've ever lived with has liked me until I ran out of money to give them then immediately turned on me, but I know that this next person I have helping me, one of my best friends I've had in my entire time online, won't be like that.
My company looks possible, but I'm not counting on it, since my roommates were supposed to take me to the craft store to get some materials I need, and instead of letting me know when they went by there, they ditched me.
I haven't been able to go food shopping since they haven't been wanting to take me, and I'm not going back to the dollar store after having that ironed into my mind.
And uh... yeah, my song is coming along, but my PC keeps randomly shutting down when I play any game at all, so I need to finish it and reinstall Windows, and every. Single. Program. (This might not sound that bad, but I have Cubase, which is about 30GB, and then about 200 other small programs and VST plugins I need to install) all of this on ~8mbps satellite networking.
All in all, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but most of it gets way too deep into my life.
I have decided that since my "stage name" is Crystal Oscillations, my company that I'll make the latex, vinyl, and eventually self-publish my music from, and, if I can get this down, sell synthesizer project kits under is "CrystalCraft Studios"
I'm also currently on day 201 of HRT, and I filled in my second diary since January of last year, it looks like the third one at this rate may be full in only a few months, versus my usual nine, so that might be different.
Thanks for reading, thanks for not getting mad about my venting, I just need to vent to people who will most likely never meet me sometimes to keep from having more panic attacks.
Now, just to get this off my chest since obviously talking to my friends on Discord about it isn't ever enough, things are once again really, really, difficult. My new roommates, the good ones, the ones I like and still like despite this have informed me I have about two months to get out of here, since every place I have applied to threw my application out.
I had an itch of an idea as to why at least one of them did, and it was set in stone yesterday when I went into the dollar store and got snacks, and the manager who had interviewed me looked happy, and then noticed me, gaining this look of pure disgust, hatefulness, and disdain. I had been nice to her at the interview, but I had a feeling she'd be one of this type of people when she brought up church and threatened to have me arrested if I ever stole (which, of course, she has me on camera never even attempting)
My relationship is, at this rate, looking pretty fucked on account of things I can't say. It wasn't a fight, or a breakup, but something that makes me far more disappointed in myself for not being able to go there to help.
I've realized just about everybody I've ever lived with has liked me until I ran out of money to give them then immediately turned on me, but I know that this next person I have helping me, one of my best friends I've had in my entire time online, won't be like that.
My company looks possible, but I'm not counting on it, since my roommates were supposed to take me to the craft store to get some materials I need, and instead of letting me know when they went by there, they ditched me.
I haven't been able to go food shopping since they haven't been wanting to take me, and I'm not going back to the dollar store after having that ironed into my mind.
And uh... yeah, my song is coming along, but my PC keeps randomly shutting down when I play any game at all, so I need to finish it and reinstall Windows, and every. Single. Program. (This might not sound that bad, but I have Cubase, which is about 30GB, and then about 200 other small programs and VST plugins I need to install) all of this on ~8mbps satellite networking.
All in all, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but most of it gets way too deep into my life.
I have decided that since my "stage name" is Crystal Oscillations, my company that I'll make the latex, vinyl, and eventually self-publish my music from, and, if I can get this down, sell synthesizer project kits under is "CrystalCraft Studios"
I'm also currently on day 201 of HRT, and I filled in my second diary since January of last year, it looks like the third one at this rate may be full in only a few months, versus my usual nine, so that might be different.
Thanks for reading, thanks for not getting mad about my venting, I just need to vent to people who will most likely never meet me sometimes to keep from having more panic attacks.
