Since I've been going through a lot lately, and I don't feel like sharing all of it here or on Twitter, so I'm setting up a Dreamwidth account that you can find here:

https://gothicneo.dreamwidth.org/289.html

For those of you who don't know, Dreamwidth is basically LiveJournal as you remember it before it imploded and became the front for shady Russian money. :)

No joke, because reality's already been a joke for most of the past 4 years. I just want to gush about how I love you all and the support you've offered me over the past few years.

You know who you all are.

So, apparently everyone's either known or suspected I was either closeted queer or trans for the past decade and... I can't say they're wrong.

Ack! Why couldn't I have confronted these matters when I was in the comfort of a college campus like other millennials? x_x

First, the big news, as those of you who follow me on Twitter already know, I recently came out as being bisexual and that I’ve more less been in a relationship with . We just finally made it official! The past two-and-a-half years he’s been my emotional support and it only seemed right that we make the relationship official. I want everyone to know I love him very much. <3 (As a bonus, we also intend to collaborate on a number of projects in the not-too-distant future, so keep your eyes peeled!)

I also came forward to tell friends and family that I’ve been dealing with depression and am going to try seeking professional help dealing with it. I honestly should have come forward with this years ago, but I was always afraid friends and family would tell me to pack my bags and move back to Texas if I did. Much to my surprise, that hasn’t been the case at all! Everyone I know has been super supportive and I can’t put into words how much that has meant to me.

In the real-world, roommate drama has upturned what stability I’d enjoyed in California, throwing my future in doubt. My search for a full-time job remains an uphill battle. The roommate drama taught me that there’s nothing I hate more than feeling financially powerless, so I’m going to look into any potential full-time job (whether it fits with my college major or not). I don’t ever want to be in a situation again where roommates can spring financial surprises on me with my pants down (so to speak).

Finally, let’s sandwich this post between good news! The past several weeks I’ve been enjoying the company of a creative writing and art group put together by . The level of talent present in the chat is both intimidating and exciting! I’ve been happily sharing ideas and discussing matters of craft with them everyday for a little over a month and am happy to have met every single one of the creators involved. The group inspired me to renew writing traditional fiction, after seven years primarily focused on the craft of screenwriting, My gears feel awful rusty when it comes to typing up some full-bodied prose, but, through discussion and group prompts, I’m beginning to get the old machine back into working condition.

On the matter of screenwriting: Hey! I’ve written a short script that’s won a handful of awards. Written as a tribute to Rod Serling’s The Twilight Zone and my own memories growing up in the American South, I’m real proud of how far this 20-page script has gone. I even got to meet the Serling family, which is more than I could have ever asked for! :'D

I think that about covers everything happening in my life right now. I’ll be sure to make updates more frequent moving forward, and wish you all a splendid day! <3

Add me as a friend on Pokémon Go, you fiends!

2120 5033 0092

I will shower you in gifts!

Holy crap. Just got back from seeing Mission: Impossible - Fallout. All I've got to say is: Go see this movie. Now. On the big screen. It's got some of the best action sequences ever put to film and deserves to be seen projected in an auditorium surrounded by strangers gasping, laughing and cheering along with each other.

It doesn't reinvent the wheel for the spy action-thriller, but it does set a new bar for practical stunt work and meticulously crafted action sequences. This is what great summer movies are all about.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a profound disappointment. I didn't expect too much from this latest entry in the Jurassic Park franchise, but I wasn't expecting this level of narrative ineptitude. Director J.A. Boyana does his best with what he's given, but solid direction cannot save the film from sinking under the weight of the screenplay by Colin Trevorrow and Derek Connoly. It is, without question, the worst script in the Jurassic franchise, full of annoying characters, illogical decisions, and plotholes you can sail a barge through.

The entire plot of this movie revolves around this premise that if Isla Nublar blows up (because there's a volcano now, I guess) dinosaurs will once again go extinct. Except, the movie undermines that by quoting lines from The Lost World: Jurassic Park and name dropping Isla Sorna (Site B). When the first Jurassic World came out, producers implied they were disregarding previous sequels, but here they explicitly acknowledge those other entries in the franchise. If there's still a Site B in this canon then, no, dinosaurs are not facing a second extinction, and you already have a second island ideal for dinosaur housing.

And here's something I've been pissed about since the first Jurassic World, but FK takes to a whole new level. I really like Chris Pratt, but, seriously: screw his Jurassic World character. That dude's an ass who has zero definable character traits other than, "Is a man who does manly things." Fallen Kingdom drastically changes the personality of the female lead between films solely so Pratt's Owen character can seem stoic and detached while she gives a sob story about saving the dinosaurs, when, by all accounts, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TRYING TO SAVE THEM. But no. Man need woman to pull him away from building log cabin and make him feel emotion. He hasn't grown as a character, and an actor who can be as charming as Chris Pratt deserves better than this one-note macho cheeseball.

Jurassic World was an enjoyable, but flawed movie that restarted this franchise. Rather than building on what strengths the 2015 film had, Trevorrow's script doubles down on the worst elements, and delivers what I consider the worst film in the series yet. Honestly, if given the choice between Fallen Kingdom and Jurassic Park III, I'd have to pick III, because at least it's short, to the point, and doesn't contradict its own lore.

I don't like opening up about my life problems, anxieties and depression, as I hate being pitied and don't wish to come across as a whiner. Still, as there are a fair number of people who follow me, I feel it's only fair that I give some update as to my emotional state. Right now, things aren't looking good for me.

I'm trying to stay upbeat and maintain a positive self-image, but approaching 10 months without a single job offer, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to remain optimistic about my chances. I didn’t expect things to be easy after graduating from college and moving to California, but I didn’t plan on being unemployed for this long. Nor did I expect all my backup plans to also go-up in smoke.

Lately I’ve felt like a dead man walking in every interview I manage to get my hands on. I knew I'd have to start by doing entry-level jobs; demeaning supporting roles while I built up my resume. I accepted that. What I didn't expect was not even being able to pin down one of those positions. Every time they’re entry level jobs I’ve either done before or my university education qualify me for; none of that matters. There’s not a single tactic from peers, professors, mentors and counselors I haven’t tried. No amount of can-do attitude seems capable of getting the job done; more and more I’m coming to believe I’m the problem. Was all that money I spent getting a college degree all a waste? Two years after graduation, I don’t see any other way of reading it.

I don’t know how much longer I can carry on like this. My self-esteem’s a wreck and I just don’t know what else there’s left for me to do.

Hey, I haven't posted a journal in awhile, so I figured I'd tell you all how my favorite films of 2017 are stacking up thus far. There are still a lot of prestige films I'll need to catch before the Golden Globes and Oscars (hence why there are so many blockbuster and franchise films in my current list).

10. John Wick: Chapter 2 - Nothing can match the revelation that was Keanu Reeves' comeback in the first John Wick, but Chapter 2 is still a damn good action movie that moves from killer set piece to set piece, with Reeves once again showing he's a force of nature as the titular lead.

9. The Disaster Artist - Making a good movie about the behind the scenes story of one of the most notoriously bad movies of all-time is no easy task, but James Franco and crew pull it off. In the pantheon of movies about bad movies The Disaster Artist doesn't reach the highs of Tim Burton's Ed Wood, as I doubt many people who aren't already familiar with its subject matter could appreciate it, but fans of The Room will have a ball.

8. Get Out - The breakout film from writer/director Jordan Peele is certain to be a staple in film schools for decades to come when it comes to discussing culture and race in the 2010s. I don’t think its a perfect film; some of the comedy didn’t work for me, and the direction was weak at times - but the film is well-deserving of the attention it’s gotten.

7. Wonder Woman - In a year where there hasn’t been much to cheer about, and after three abyssmal films from DC, Wonder Woman’s optimistic heroine felt like a return to the spirit of Richard Donner’s Superman the Movie (1978). Director Patty Jenkins and star Gal Gadot deliver the super heroine movie audiences have been waiting to see for decades.

6. Dunkirk - Christopher Nolan delivers one of the years great technical marvels in his stunning depiction of evacuation of Dunkirk during WWII. Nolan is a supremely talented technical filmmaker, and, clocking in at 100 minutes, Dunkirk is his tightest production to-date (no speeches summarizing chapters of Philosophy 101 here).

5. Logan - If Wonder Woman was the dash of optimism we all needed in a comic film in 2017, Logan was the gritty and bleak R-rated descent into fantasy nihilism I didn’t know we needed. High Jackman and Sir Patrick Stewart give superb -one assumes- final performances in their roles as Logan/Wolverine and Professor Charles Xavier, and newcomer Dafne Keene as X-23 is a revelation.

4. War for the Planet of the Apes - It’s funny to think we spend so much time talking about how prequels are a bad idea, but hardly anytime talking about the Planet of the Apes prequels, which have been some of the best franchise films of the last decade. Once again, Andy Serkis as Ape leader (and future religious figure) Caesar is an amazing blend of acting and cutting edge motion capture. I’m still not sure which I prefer, War or Dawn, but, suffice to say, this trilogy ends on a strong note.

3. Star Wars: The Last Jedi - For the first time in my life I was surprised by the decisions made in a Star Wars film. The Last Jedi takes risks (controversial ones, given some fans’ reaction) and I think they really pay off. The movie isn’t without its flaws, but none of the Star Wars films are flawless. When the dust has settled, I suspect this will be remembered as one of the franchise’s best.

2. Blade Runner 2049 - How does one make a sequel to one of the greatest science fiction films of all-time? By just making a damn good science fiction movie, it turns out. Blade Runner 2049 builds upon the iconic visual style of the 1982 original, but focuses on telling its own story, unlike most late-sequels and reboots that are more reboot/remake than sequel. Some of the scenes planting sequel bait feel forced, but, putting those aside, this is the best science fiction film of 2017.

1. The Shape of Water - Guillermo del Toro brings the tale of a mute woman falling in love with a fish man to life in 1960s America the way only this maestro of monster filmmaking can. Quite simply, The Shape of Water is one of the greatest cinematic fairy tales ever produced. Wonderfully acted, and visually sumptuous, this is easily Guillermo del Toro’s best movie since Pan’s Labyrinth, and my pick for best film of 2017.

Oh shit, don't look now, but I'm about to turn 25. 0_0" I'm not sure I'm cool with this. *needs a new job fast*

Anyway, yeah: December 8th is my birthday, so that's when you can send well wishes or effusive praise my way!

Streaming with buddy ! Drop on by, if you dare~

http://original.livestream.com/sightwatcher

I may be streaming a movie and/or cartoons tonight. will probably be with me.

I really want to take a moment and thank all of you who've been there for me this past year and a half. You've really helped me deal with my terrible anxiety during a period where everything in the world seems set to raise my blood pressure.

Extra special thanks to , who's been my most trusted partner in crime. <3

Today's the day I move to California to try and start a new life for myself. I feel like I should write something in-depth about the events leading up to this and what I intend to do, but I can't seem to find the energy. Hopefully it works out and I'll be back soon to share the good news.

I don't update this much, but, living in Houston, I just wanted to say our home in Houston is holding out.

Thoughts and prayers for my fellow citizens who haven't been so lucky. This is unquestionably the worst flooding I've ever seen.

I'm streaming cheese and crap. Drop on by, if you like. http://original.livestream.com/sightwatcher

Hello Followers,

2016 happened. I’ve put off mentioning it, but I need to address the shitshow that was our planet’s last cycle around the sun. We lost a plethora of pop culture icons, Western Civilization seems dead-set on tearing itself apart, and the term “Forum Nazis” took on a far too literal meaning. Suffice to say, 2016 was long, unpleasant, marked by a handful of highlights that did little to dampen the overall shittiness.

Everyone experienced 2016 their own little way, so I’ll try to summarize my experiences as best I can, without touching celebrity deaths or political upheavals. Are you ready? Let’s begin.

I spent my spring semester in Los Angeles, where I got to intern for a director whose work I’ve long admired. I’ve been saving money to try and make a move back out to California.

I learned some emotional wounds never fully heal, and when you spend years entrusting your personal thoughts to a single person only to have that trust broken it’s difficult to come back from it. More difficult than I ever imagined it would be.

I graduated from college and have been struggling to define my identity after school, and trying to gauge my self-worth. Without the constant pressure of deadlines I found it increasingly difficult to focus on my creative pursuits. I haven’t written anything substantial in six months. Not good. Makes me feel worthless.

I got to work freelance as a judge for a screenplay competition, giving me some much needed intellectual stimulation between the long hours at my monotonous day job.

I made a number of new friends online this past year, making 2016 the most social I’ve been online since the days when I was a 13 year old who didn’t know any better. For the first time in years I feel like I’m allowed to be myself without having to put on any masks.

Overall, I wish my transition were smoother, and that I could feel confident about the society I live in, but I still look forward to the future. I look forward to improving the friendships I’ve made, and making new ones. I want to read, write, and rediscover what it means to be me. That starts with reigniting my passion. With a little help from my friends, I believe my next journey is just around the corner.

Thanks to everyone who helped me through this year. I hope I brought as much joy into you all’s life as you have mine.

Love,
Nicanor

Hey everyone, this last Thursday I turned 24. While holding back the existential dread of my march to the grave, I couldn't help but notice a large number of well-wishes across social media, far more than last year. Thanks a lot! Cheesy as it is to say, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to know so many folks in there, out there, all around the world would give me the time of day.

Let's make 2017 better than 2016! (Not that this would take much >_>)

Aw jeez, I got another one of these coming up, don't I?

Well, I don't know what I'm going to do, but if you feel like indulging my dweeby lifestyle, I got an Amazon wishlist! https://t.co/VHwIspOee0

Lay them on me!

I wake up at 7AM with a cough. I turn on my bedside lamp, illuminating my cowboy themed room. I walk to my dresser and find Rainbow, my pet Betta fish, floating belly up in his bowl. His once brilliant blue and green fins are a dull yellow. In my sheriff pajamas I walk to my parents’ room. I cough the entire way. In the walk-in closet, Dad’s getting dressed for work. I tell her that I think Rainbow is dead.

Mom stretches, and then gets out of bed. Accompanied by Annie, the family golden retriever, she walks to my room, and declares that Rainbow is dead. She fetches a thermometer from the bathroom and takes my temperature: 100°F. She instructs me to get back in bed. I comply.

Dad kisses me on the forehead (as he always does when we’re sick, to “keep the germs to ourselves”) and takes off for work. Mom places a glass of icy water at my bedside; instructs me to stay in bed, drink fluids, and get some sleep if I can.

I don’t sleep. I think about Rainbow. Was it my fault his colors began to fade? Should I have done more to take care of him? Did I clean his bowl enough times? Now I feel guilty. I’d always been afraid to take him out of his bowl for cleaning. Maybe that’s why he’s dead.

Mom gets home, returns to her bedroom and resumes watching The Today Show. The time is 8:30 AM.

Fifteen minutes pass. I still can’t force myself to sleep. Did Rainbow go to a better place? Mom says when people die they go to heaven, but do Betta fish? Where do fish go, if not Heaven? The unknown terrifies me, and I cry.

From across the house Mom screams, “Oh my God!” I stop crying, sit up, and listen. Unlike my Dad, Mom's never used the Lord’s name in vain. She’s always said, "Oh my gosh." But then I hear her repeat, louder than before: “Oh my God!”

I throw off my sheets and scamper into my parents’ bedroom. Usually my mother lies reclined on her mattress, but not this moment. She stands directly in front of her TV, a hand clasped over her jaw.

On the television is the image of two towers. Instead of the usual, steady camera work typically seen on a news show it looks like a home movie; shaky, low-quality video. Smoke pours from one. The text at the bottom of the screen identifies the buildings as the World Trade Center in New York City.

We leave the bedroom and walk to the living room (which I call the “Big TV Room,” as it’s where we kept the big TV). A concerned Annie keeps close to Mom’s side. I sit down on the couch and watch the continued coverage on our big TV. Fire trucks and police cars fill the streets. A reporter says they have confirmed an airplane has struck the “North Tower” of the World Trade Center. Today Show host Matt Lauer says officials are still trying to determine if it’s an accident or a “terrorist” attack.

Then a second plane hits the South Tower live on-air. A huge ball of fire seems to engulf the screen. People are screaming. Today Show hosts Matt Lauer and Katie Couric maintain calm in their voice as they determine that this is a “coordinated terrorist attack” (I’m learning a lot of new words, today). It doesn’t calm my mom. In the adjoining kitchen she calls friends, asks if she should go and pull my brother from school; asks if he’s going to be safe.

From the top floor of one of the north tower, through the smoke, people hang from the windows, waving for help. Newscasters point to the screen to indicate what they believe to be people leaping from the towers. I don’t understand. I ask mom why people would jump. Her voice trembles, and her response is slow—a lot of thought goes into her words. She tells me that they see no other option; no chance of being saved. I figured that there must be those trampoline carrying firemen you always see in the cartoons, and give it no further thought.

It’s the first time I’ve ever been presented the idea of suicide.

The first tower falls. My mom and I are silent. The second tower falls. Everything becomes a blur. President Bush speaks from a Florida school before being rushed to Air Force One. An additional plane strikes the “Pentagon.” Another plane goes down in Pennsylvania having failed to reach its target.

Through all of it my mom and I sit and watch. I don’t know the how or the why, but I know the world will never be the same.

---

September 11, 2001 I was a seven year old boy living in Houston, Texas, and I vividly remember these few hours that would come to shape our modern political environment. New York City was just a place on the map to this Texas boy. I’d never even heard of, or seen the Twin Towers before that day (far as I can remember).

I don’t want to dwell too much on my experiences, as they didn’t directly impact me the way it has my friends and colleagues back on the East Coast, but I came to the realization that there’s an entire class of high school students who were too young, or hadn’t even been born to witness that day. Some of them will even be stepping to the voting booth this November; the first voters who will cast their ballots without memories of the September 11th attacks.

These voters have grown up in a time of increasingly partisan politics. I want them to know, in our darkest hours, Americans from all walks of life came together. Democrats still fuming over the contested 2000 election lined up in support of our president; communities North, South, East, West, and every which way in between stood together.

The events of 9/11 revealed to me the depravity of man that my parents had fought so diligently to shield me from, but it also showed me what our country is capable of when we come together. We are one America, and should never lose sight of it. That is why I will Never Forget.

Wow. Just... Wow. I haven't seen such a disastrous adaptation in some time. Just-- what happened?? You had one of the best Batman comics, featuring the best Batman and Joker voices, and an animation team that's previously done a fine job adapting other comics and... This is what happens?

Folks, I'm still reeling from this animated misfire, but, suffice to say, as someone who's been begging for this film to be made for over a decade, I left the theater wishing the project had remained a fanboy's dream rather than the reality projected onto the screen.

By rating, here are my favorite films for the first half of 2016. Enjoy!

1. 10 Cloverfield Lane (A+)
A tight thriller from producer J.J. Abrams and writer/director Dan Trachtenberg, 10 Cloverfield Lane features a plot that feels like a classic Twilight Zone episode in the best possible way (we’re just short of having a chain smoking J.J. Abrams walk onto the screen, “For your consideration, imagine three strangers trapped in a room…”). The film is tightly paced, features effective performances from its three leads (the stand-out being an uncharacteristically chilling John Goodman). I could talk more, but this is a film best seen blind. Suffice to say, this is the sort of low-budget genre film I wish Hollywood produced more of.

2. Captain America: Civil War (A)
As if a direct answer to the much maligned Batman v. Superman, Captain America: Civil War delivers a proper prizefight between beloved heroes. You understand the ideologies of both sides, and when the characters fight you know they all wish this didn’t have to happen (the biggest set-piece features a lot of pulled punches). The conflict is palpable, the characters on both sides of the issue are likable, and the movie remembers that we go to superhero films to be entertained.

3. The Nice Guys (A)
Writer/Director Shane Black, who made his name for writing scripts like Lethal Weapon, returns to the buddy-action genre he helped create for the first time since Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005). As one would expect from Mr. Black’s work, the dialogue is as witty as it is funny, but above that, I was surprised by how much chemistry Russel Crowe and Ryan Gosling shared on screen.

4. Zootopia (A)
After going through constant re-writes, scrapping entire subplots, and flipping lead characters, Walt Disney Animation Studio’s latest animated feature miraculously emerges as what could arguably be their best film since making the jump to all-computer-animated features. Fun characters, a fully realized anthropomorphic world that tops the many that have come before it, and a surprisingly deep ideological center, Zootopia is one of 2016’s best, and the current frontrunner for Best Animated Feature of 2016.

5. Deadpool
“The merc with a mouth” finally gets his due. Admittedly, I’m not much of a Deadpool fan, only knowing him through internet memes (and interning under the producer of the film), but 2016’s Deadpool undeniably earns its place as one of the most entertaining superhero films of the past eight years. In an era where Marvel’s characters are at civil war, the X-Men are facing apocalyptic events every other film, and Superman can’t smile, Deadpool’s blood-splattered, sophomoric shenanigans are a breath of fresh air.

6. Finding Dory (A-)
This film surprised me. I was expecting this to be another extraneous Pixar sequel along the lines of Monsters University—fun, well-animated, but wholly unnecessary. While Finding Dory doesn’t reach the emotional highs that made Finding Nemo an instant classic, Pixar still brings their winning charm through a wonderful cast of new aquatic characters.

7. The BFG (B+)
Spielberg’s return to family filmmaking after years of historical and political dramas is a magical experience that’s certain to delight children and adults. Admittedly, I have an inherent pro-Spielberg bias, and, yes, this doesn’t reach the heights of E.T., but Spielberg remains unmatched in his skills as a director. It’ll be a sad day indeed when this expert direction merged with the magical music of John Williams doesn’t whisk me off to a world of wonder.

8. The Witch (B+)
The Witch is one of the most unnerving films you’ll see. Its period details are on point, the premise believable—really, the only complaint I have is that I didn’t feel engaged throughout. Some sequences go on for too long and cause scenes that might have been tense at 1-2 minutes to lose steam. Still, writer/director Robert Eggers will be one to watch going forward.

9. Central Intelligence (B)
Sometimes all you need to have a good time at the movies is some wonderful chemistry between two very funny actors. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart star in this surprisingly effective buddy comedy from the director of Dodgeball and We’re The Millers. While the script isn’t anything to write home about, there’s something to be said about actors chemistry. Johnson and Hart both play against type, with Johnson playing the screwball and Hart playing the straight man, and the result is fantastic. I’ve always thought Johnson had natural comic timing and it was great to see him cut loose as this fanny pack wearing CIA agent (who may or may not be crazy), and Kevin Hart also proves that he doesn’t have to overact in order to get a laugh.

10. Hail, Caesar (B-)
The latest film from the Coen Brothers is a divisive one. Its cast’s extraordinary, and it boasts exquisite production design that would fool you into believing it had three-times its production budget, but the plot never meshes together the way the brothers’ best work often does. Still, I’ve only seen this film once, and I’ll look forward to seeing it again to see if, perhaps, like The Big Lebowski, it may be a film that becomes better through repeat viewings.

Bleh, lately I've been thinking how much I miss some people from my past, but then I'm immediately reminded why I avoid those people. :/

I've done these on Twitter before, but decided I'd open up here as well.

So, ask me anything. xD