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What is going on here
Posted a year agoIf someone lives out of Russia, I'd like to just give a picture of how it is here at least from my perspective.
Putin came to power in 2000s, in democracy you can only be president for only 8 years then step out. But my country is occuped by a gang of mobsters, Putin is not a president, he is just a mafia boss, they hold as all hostage, all TV is non stop propiganda. People got used to old TV, where all info was tripple checked before being told. But not TV translates endless lies and gets into the internet. I am currently using VPN to be able to access Furaffinity. Goverment bans EVERYTHING they do not have controll over. Now they are banning youtube, video plays for 15-20 seconds then you get endless loading. They inprison everyone who dears to unite people, if they are still reaching out even from prison or just have too much influence, they kill. May be you've heard about Navalniy, but he is just one of thousends of leaders who where killed, just most popular.
"So what? Politics shmolitics, dirty sport, what's it to you?"
After sanctions, prices for evenything just doubled, yes we have everything still, but if you are not making good money, you can now bearaly survive. Just the other day I saw job ofer on clothing shop, they need stuff, the ofer is 25k rubles per mounth. It is currently about 290$. Before taxes. For my little appartment I pay 15k rubles (rent + utilities). Then you have 10k for food and clothing? I am a junior programmer with 1 year of experience and I get payed 60k rubles. I can live, even tho every day I struggle a lot, I really really want to quit every day, but it's mangable. I do anourmous work to just... survive, my mental is so fucked but I need to keep it together to survive. Besides complitely ruined economy and hypnotyzed into savage bloodthirsty animals parents it's monilization I have to worry about. Can you even imagine living for years in fear of geting sent to war of prison? It is litteraly that. State picks you and say "GO DIE IN UKRAIN" if you disagree - you are criminal, "Article 328 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation" from 6 mounths to two years of prison. And also you are banned from registating as selfemploied and samy banned from working. How? Well, if someone is to hire you, they will have to pay 400k to half a million for giving you any job. So, yes, you are basicaly die at war, or in the street when winter hits, because you can not make any money leagaly.
Any day it can happen to me, or any of my male friends, it can happen to my boyfriend or classmate or anyone. It is pretty traumatizing to hear how
acquaintance of an acquaintance of my dad returned to his family in coffin.
Imagine being abdl in this mess. I want to be infantle, I want to be carless, stupid, carefree. And I want someone to take care of me. But in that kind of hell everybody for themselves. Me too. I'm on survivle mode for last 5 years. And I'm losing it. But I know, that no one it going to catch me if I fall.
Yes, even my boyfriend, my Doe. This femboy is an adult baby himself, not in a way I am, but like for real. I never got any love from my parents, no care. He got overprotected, too much care. So I don't trust in him. He is too careless, even when we play dota, he is not thinking with head. He can not take care for himself I feel like. Hope I am wrong.
So all my life I feel like I'm sinking in the middle of the ocean after plane crash. Everyone is sinking, no hope of getting any help. If you don't know, panicking sinking person is increadably dangerous, they are going to drown you first, not letting you help them. Sinking person just push the other one down with all available strangths. So... I sink, but everyone around is a deathtrap, I am afraid to even attempt to get close in plea for help. Burning parts of a plane are crushing around, I can see how it kills people around me. I just keep trying to live, I do not know why even try? I can see there is not chance to survive this. But I just keep on trying purely because of my basic animal instincts.
I will soon run out of strengths and drown. I just keep hoping for miracle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gPUP52qMVk
Putin came to power in 2000s, in democracy you can only be president for only 8 years then step out. But my country is occuped by a gang of mobsters, Putin is not a president, he is just a mafia boss, they hold as all hostage, all TV is non stop propiganda. People got used to old TV, where all info was tripple checked before being told. But not TV translates endless lies and gets into the internet. I am currently using VPN to be able to access Furaffinity. Goverment bans EVERYTHING they do not have controll over. Now they are banning youtube, video plays for 15-20 seconds then you get endless loading. They inprison everyone who dears to unite people, if they are still reaching out even from prison or just have too much influence, they kill. May be you've heard about Navalniy, but he is just one of thousends of leaders who where killed, just most popular.
"So what? Politics shmolitics, dirty sport, what's it to you?"
After sanctions, prices for evenything just doubled, yes we have everything still, but if you are not making good money, you can now bearaly survive. Just the other day I saw job ofer on clothing shop, they need stuff, the ofer is 25k rubles per mounth. It is currently about 290$. Before taxes. For my little appartment I pay 15k rubles (rent + utilities). Then you have 10k for food and clothing? I am a junior programmer with 1 year of experience and I get payed 60k rubles. I can live, even tho every day I struggle a lot, I really really want to quit every day, but it's mangable. I do anourmous work to just... survive, my mental is so fucked but I need to keep it together to survive. Besides complitely ruined economy and hypnotyzed into savage bloodthirsty animals parents it's monilization I have to worry about. Can you even imagine living for years in fear of geting sent to war of prison? It is litteraly that. State picks you and say "GO DIE IN UKRAIN" if you disagree - you are criminal, "Article 328 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation" from 6 mounths to two years of prison. And also you are banned from registating as selfemploied and samy banned from working. How? Well, if someone is to hire you, they will have to pay 400k to half a million for giving you any job. So, yes, you are basicaly die at war, or in the street when winter hits, because you can not make any money leagaly.
Any day it can happen to me, or any of my male friends, it can happen to my boyfriend or classmate or anyone. It is pretty traumatizing to hear how
acquaintance of an acquaintance of my dad returned to his family in coffin.
Imagine being abdl in this mess. I want to be infantle, I want to be carless, stupid, carefree. And I want someone to take care of me. But in that kind of hell everybody for themselves. Me too. I'm on survivle mode for last 5 years. And I'm losing it. But I know, that no one it going to catch me if I fall.
Yes, even my boyfriend, my Doe. This femboy is an adult baby himself, not in a way I am, but like for real. I never got any love from my parents, no care. He got overprotected, too much care. So I don't trust in him. He is too careless, even when we play dota, he is not thinking with head. He can not take care for himself I feel like. Hope I am wrong.
So all my life I feel like I'm sinking in the middle of the ocean after plane crash. Everyone is sinking, no hope of getting any help. If you don't know, panicking sinking person is increadably dangerous, they are going to drown you first, not letting you help them. Sinking person just push the other one down with all available strangths. So... I sink, but everyone around is a deathtrap, I am afraid to even attempt to get close in plea for help. Burning parts of a plane are crushing around, I can see how it kills people around me. I just keep trying to live, I do not know why even try? I can see there is not chance to survive this. But I just keep on trying purely because of my basic animal instincts.
I will soon run out of strengths and drown. I just keep hoping for miracle.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gPUP52qMVk
Never connecting
Posted a year agoBeen a long time, hah? Dear diarrreeee, because nobody ever read my shit, never commented, never had any interest in me, because la-la-la, you know, nothing changed from the last journal I wrote. I still doubt I should exist.
But well, it got worse. Why? Because I started to ask people more actively, you know like "hey, if no one writes me, I should do it first!". And every time I'm ignored hits like truck. But even if Im not ignored, we talk for some time, and then there is nothing to talk about anymore and we stop. Like... I always feel like I failed to build connection, or I just don't interest this person enough. And I donno, is that just American thing to just be gone in a middle of a diolog!? Or furrie's? Or am I just so unlucky and worthless that everyone feels like you can just randomly stop responding? And never explain anything. I got angry enough onec to ask staight for an explanation from someone. So... what was it? "Sorry just got distracted and I tend to have a hard time getting back to stuff" Mm... nice.
Another time I met with someone very cool on vrc, but well... after like a week he started to hang with his boyfriend instead of me, and when I joined, I was asked to quit onec, tiwce... I thought I should give some space and he'll text me something like "hey! I'm free now, long time no see! Come to my world, we should hand out, I miss you!" but no. Just no message... ever...
So now most reacently I'v decided to go on F-chat, and look for someone to try and RP with. I'm not very much hooked up on RP. Like... ok, I am sub. You are dom. You do something with me and I can't resist, or forced to obey. So... my every post would look like "I obey", "I do just that". To engage in good RP I have to really come up with something and it's hard and kinda ruines the dinamic of "helpless silly week sub, powerfull smart strong dom".
BACK TO THE POINT! So I found some wonderful lesbian person who was willing to engage in RP if I play girl as well. And I like playing a girl, heck I want to be a girl, tho genger tranition is not against the law in Russia, THANKS TO MY GOOD PEOPLE OF RUSSA VOTING FOR PUTIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ASKING TO BRING BACK LAW ABOUT 7 YEARS OF PRISON FOR BEING GAY, FUCK YOU ALL I HATE RUSSIA!!! Hm, tho they did brought it back, like you know, they made it so LGBT = ISIS, exteimist orgonization, 7 year for participating. So yeah, it's illegal to be ME now, cz yeah, I'm in LGBTQ+
BACK TO THe poin.. t... what was I about? Oh! yes the war on Ukrain is the fucking RUINING BOTH OF OUR COUNTRIES EVERY DAY FOR FOR LONG? 2? 3 YEARS? EVERY DAY HUNDRETS OF PEOPLE DIE, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS OF RUBLES GO TO WASTE, TO DO KILLING TO DO WAR, WHILE I CAN't AFFORD NEW CLOTHES, HUNDRETS OF LIVES, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS IN ONE DAY. EVERY DAY OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG... no... wait, it wasn't the point?
BACK TO THE POINT so we RP for like 3 pretty long sessions, I'm thinking it's going very good. But all of a sudden we just stop, I'm telling that I'm avalible. Ow, and once I quckly made a slappy sketch of our RP sceens. She was amazed, she really liked it. I tell that I can continue at any time she is ready. But... she never wrote in a week. So I spent 8 hrs working on a very good art of another sceene. Sent it to her, expecting some blast of emoitions and saying thet I am absolutely free, and can fo RP at any any moment. And so responce was? There was none. So I go again like "Aaand how are you doing?" Ok, I got something "Doing good thanks. And good work on the art"
Why do I feel like I'm unwanted? BOOM, I SPENT HOURS WORKING ON THIS, ONLY FOR YOU, I WAS THINKING ABOUT TOU ALL THE WAY. And all you have to say this time... is "good work on the art". After I poke you extra time... I'm afraid to ask her now for anything, I don't want to be a bother, jusmping around poking her like "go RP? go RP?!" Or "What do you think of expression? The shading! I was reallly thinking of how it would make you feel, and I deliver the feeling?" And such stuff. I really really want to be friend with her! REALLY! She is kind, smart, she's dominating but still cares about MY experience. She is wonderfull person! But she... just don't want to be frends or trust me I guess? I don't know.
But well, it got worse. Why? Because I started to ask people more actively, you know like "hey, if no one writes me, I should do it first!". And every time I'm ignored hits like truck. But even if Im not ignored, we talk for some time, and then there is nothing to talk about anymore and we stop. Like... I always feel like I failed to build connection, or I just don't interest this person enough. And I donno, is that just American thing to just be gone in a middle of a diolog!? Or furrie's? Or am I just so unlucky and worthless that everyone feels like you can just randomly stop responding? And never explain anything. I got angry enough onec to ask staight for an explanation from someone. So... what was it? "Sorry just got distracted and I tend to have a hard time getting back to stuff" Mm... nice.
Another time I met with someone very cool on vrc, but well... after like a week he started to hang with his boyfriend instead of me, and when I joined, I was asked to quit onec, tiwce... I thought I should give some space and he'll text me something like "hey! I'm free now, long time no see! Come to my world, we should hand out, I miss you!" but no. Just no message... ever...
So now most reacently I'v decided to go on F-chat, and look for someone to try and RP with. I'm not very much hooked up on RP. Like... ok, I am sub. You are dom. You do something with me and I can't resist, or forced to obey. So... my every post would look like "I obey", "I do just that". To engage in good RP I have to really come up with something and it's hard and kinda ruines the dinamic of "helpless silly week sub, powerfull smart strong dom".
BACK TO THE POINT! So I found some wonderful lesbian person who was willing to engage in RP if I play girl as well. And I like playing a girl, heck I want to be a girl, tho genger tranition is not against the law in Russia, THANKS TO MY GOOD PEOPLE OF RUSSA VOTING FOR PUTIN AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ASKING TO BRING BACK LAW ABOUT 7 YEARS OF PRISON FOR BEING GAY, FUCK YOU ALL I HATE RUSSIA!!! Hm, tho they did brought it back, like you know, they made it so LGBT = ISIS, exteimist orgonization, 7 year for participating. So yeah, it's illegal to be ME now, cz yeah, I'm in LGBTQ+
BACK TO THe poin.. t... what was I about? Oh! yes the war on Ukrain is the fucking RUINING BOTH OF OUR COUNTRIES EVERY DAY FOR FOR LONG? 2? 3 YEARS? EVERY DAY HUNDRETS OF PEOPLE DIE, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS OF RUBLES GO TO WASTE, TO DO KILLING TO DO WAR, WHILE I CAN't AFFORD NEW CLOTHES, HUNDRETS OF LIVES, HUNDRETS OF MILLIONS IN ONE DAY. EVERY DAY OF I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW LONG... no... wait, it wasn't the point?
BACK TO THE POINT so we RP for like 3 pretty long sessions, I'm thinking it's going very good. But all of a sudden we just stop, I'm telling that I'm avalible. Ow, and once I quckly made a slappy sketch of our RP sceens. She was amazed, she really liked it. I tell that I can continue at any time she is ready. But... she never wrote in a week. So I spent 8 hrs working on a very good art of another sceene. Sent it to her, expecting some blast of emoitions and saying thet I am absolutely free, and can fo RP at any any moment. And so responce was? There was none. So I go again like "Aaand how are you doing?" Ok, I got something "Doing good thanks. And good work on the art"
Why do I feel like I'm unwanted? BOOM, I SPENT HOURS WORKING ON THIS, ONLY FOR YOU, I WAS THINKING ABOUT TOU ALL THE WAY. And all you have to say this time... is "good work on the art". After I poke you extra time... I'm afraid to ask her now for anything, I don't want to be a bother, jusmping around poking her like "go RP? go RP?!" Or "What do you think of expression? The shading! I was reallly thinking of how it would make you feel, and I deliver the feeling?" And such stuff. I really really want to be friend with her! REALLY! She is kind, smart, she's dominating but still cares about MY experience. She is wonderfull person! But she... just don't want to be frends or trust me I guess? I don't know.
Always want to give up
Posted 2 years agoYup, my interеst to doing this is very close to zero. No one ever read it all, no one ever commented like "oh, maaan, keep going, things will get better"
But sometimes everything is just so overwhelming that I can't keep it to myself!
I'm so tired of constant fighting. Of constant fear. Of constant that the only constant thing in life is that there will always be struggles. I want to give up like... now... it's 2am, I'm in bed in my dorm. Writing this to my phone so can copy this to FA later, cz for some reason FA is banned in Russia and I only have vpn on my laptop. 2am, I have to get up at 7 and go to work. But I don't want to anymore to such a great point... Like... no one want to work ok, I know. But it's just... too much...
I'm imaging how I'll just sleep until noon, than just go buy a wagon of vodka and food and just drink and eat in my bed. Doing fucking nothig, just gone, not answering the phone, just numb minded, just throwing away all my saving for moving to US if I win DV lottery. And when money ends? Guess Id just be like:"Oh... that was my last bottle? No more vodka? Ok" and just jump out of the window.
Just mental suicide and then the real one...
It's amazing tho... how many people have done mental suicide but their bodies are jùst walking around... how cruel this world is, that people just killing themselves with alcohol to avoid pain. That's what suicide is for... avoiding pain. Well if you are alone at least... otherwise it's just giving your pain to your close ones.
And I'm alone, I only really have Rene. And if I mentally kill myself I don't think I could ever see her again, my brain just wouldn't be strong enough to keep 2 persons at once. So, we'd both be gone. Oh how I wish someone strong could just take care of me...
I recently talked to my dad, he said "oh, then I'm proud that you are such a successful smart man!" I so wanted to say two things "no thanks to you! Stupid drunk! We lived together 20 years and I remember talking to you like 10 times or so!" And "Yep, just like mom, you both are only proud that I've done something, but you never say that you love me just for me been me, unconditionally".
Ok mom said that she loves me plenty of times. But only when she was apologizing for been mega mean bitch to me. And you know what happened after that? She acted the same, she is very low in her job's hierarchy and then she was just coming home to put out her stress out on me. Then she just apologized for saying that I'm and abomination and should actually kill myself, by saying "I love you".
You know... it made my and C's relationship very hard since he always called out "I love you Simon!". And fuck it hurted every time!!! It made me remember my mom and how not real saying "I love you" is.
It still is a hard spot for me... I don't believe when someone is saying that. I judge by actions.
Ok random storytime! Who is "C"? Well, it's a guy named Zachary who I've met in vr chat. He was so full of energy! And invited me to hang with him. But he at the same time was like... too jumpy I guess? Well he was just looking for someone to love him just like I was and he was trying out multiple partners. There was like... 4 of them in 2 months? Something like that. And I've decided that I'm willing to try it, you know... like... ooooh this people are just not good enough! But I have all the love and support to give to him! And we lasted much longer then his previous partners. Even tho he was hard at times I felt happy with him. Buuut... he is believing in "material mind" or something. You know... this shit about "if you wish for something hard enough, the universe will give it to you". If I wasn't writing to him for 2 days he was blocking me. Saying that I don't care about him. But it's not true, sometimes we are just too busy! I was and still am working full time and study in college! It's not easy one, I'm telling you!
So he was basically suffering from the fact that I don't have any free time. And then I've asked if he is willing to change it. If he is willing to be my husband... he said yes and we will get married and all. So I started collecting data about how we can do that. So when I approached him with all the info on fiancee visa, how he must apply for me and then will marry and be together and I'll be all his all the time! ...then he said he wouldn't actually do that, that it's too big of a step and stuff... well you should've said that before I spent time to look it all up!
So... I was hurt by that... you know lies. You can't just say one day "Yes I will marry you! I will do anything to get you here!" And than give "no" on the NEXT day!
So our relationship got worse after that... so even tho he was always missing me and even tho we had some good times... I just decided that I don't want to hold him like that for years. That I should let him find someone reachable and someone with enough time. And also... I really dislike lies... before that he was telling everyone around that he won 7 million in a lottery. Turns out... it wasn't lie! It was just massaging the universe!!! He was just making himself and everyone around him believe that he already won. But it didn't work. Yep, definitely not trying to hold everyone's attention by lies! He's also hooked up on marijuana. So... that all is why I've decided that we should break up. I donno... I still think about him at least once a week... wondering how he is doing? Have he found the partner to be with? And I don't know if I miss him or just... having someone who cares about you for just existing? But he blocked me permanently... I can't reach out vof him...
So now I'm just saying everything straight. Hey, I'm ownerless kitten, I'm looking for someone strong and who can own me. I'm very passive, very bottom, very baby. I can follow commands, I'm willing to be forced! But... guess nobody cares for such people... bet there are plenty of folk like me, but better, easier to reach, they have time and money to visit their masters so that they could have proper test drive on their new bottoms. And me? I'm only trouble... I shouldn't exist...
But sometimes everything is just so overwhelming that I can't keep it to myself!
I'm so tired of constant fighting. Of constant fear. Of constant that the only constant thing in life is that there will always be struggles. I want to give up like... now... it's 2am, I'm in bed in my dorm. Writing this to my phone so can copy this to FA later, cz for some reason FA is banned in Russia and I only have vpn on my laptop. 2am, I have to get up at 7 and go to work. But I don't want to anymore to such a great point... Like... no one want to work ok, I know. But it's just... too much...
I'm imaging how I'll just sleep until noon, than just go buy a wagon of vodka and food and just drink and eat in my bed. Doing fucking nothig, just gone, not answering the phone, just numb minded, just throwing away all my saving for moving to US if I win DV lottery. And when money ends? Guess Id just be like:"Oh... that was my last bottle? No more vodka? Ok" and just jump out of the window.
Just mental suicide and then the real one...
It's amazing tho... how many people have done mental suicide but their bodies are jùst walking around... how cruel this world is, that people just killing themselves with alcohol to avoid pain. That's what suicide is for... avoiding pain. Well if you are alone at least... otherwise it's just giving your pain to your close ones.
And I'm alone, I only really have Rene. And if I mentally kill myself I don't think I could ever see her again, my brain just wouldn't be strong enough to keep 2 persons at once. So, we'd both be gone. Oh how I wish someone strong could just take care of me...
I recently talked to my dad, he said "oh, then I'm proud that you are such a successful smart man!" I so wanted to say two things "no thanks to you! Stupid drunk! We lived together 20 years and I remember talking to you like 10 times or so!" And "Yep, just like mom, you both are only proud that I've done something, but you never say that you love me just for me been me, unconditionally".
Ok mom said that she loves me plenty of times. But only when she was apologizing for been mega mean bitch to me. And you know what happened after that? She acted the same, she is very low in her job's hierarchy and then she was just coming home to put out her stress out on me. Then she just apologized for saying that I'm and abomination and should actually kill myself, by saying "I love you".
You know... it made my and C's relationship very hard since he always called out "I love you Simon!". And fuck it hurted every time!!! It made me remember my mom and how not real saying "I love you" is.
It still is a hard spot for me... I don't believe when someone is saying that. I judge by actions.
Ok random storytime! Who is "C"? Well, it's a guy named Zachary who I've met in vr chat. He was so full of energy! And invited me to hang with him. But he at the same time was like... too jumpy I guess? Well he was just looking for someone to love him just like I was and he was trying out multiple partners. There was like... 4 of them in 2 months? Something like that. And I've decided that I'm willing to try it, you know... like... ooooh this people are just not good enough! But I have all the love and support to give to him! And we lasted much longer then his previous partners. Even tho he was hard at times I felt happy with him. Buuut... he is believing in "material mind" or something. You know... this shit about "if you wish for something hard enough, the universe will give it to you". If I wasn't writing to him for 2 days he was blocking me. Saying that I don't care about him. But it's not true, sometimes we are just too busy! I was and still am working full time and study in college! It's not easy one, I'm telling you!
So he was basically suffering from the fact that I don't have any free time. And then I've asked if he is willing to change it. If he is willing to be my husband... he said yes and we will get married and all. So I started collecting data about how we can do that. So when I approached him with all the info on fiancee visa, how he must apply for me and then will marry and be together and I'll be all his all the time! ...then he said he wouldn't actually do that, that it's too big of a step and stuff... well you should've said that before I spent time to look it all up!
So... I was hurt by that... you know lies. You can't just say one day "Yes I will marry you! I will do anything to get you here!" And than give "no" on the NEXT day!
So our relationship got worse after that... so even tho he was always missing me and even tho we had some good times... I just decided that I don't want to hold him like that for years. That I should let him find someone reachable and someone with enough time. And also... I really dislike lies... before that he was telling everyone around that he won 7 million in a lottery. Turns out... it wasn't lie! It was just massaging the universe!!! He was just making himself and everyone around him believe that he already won. But it didn't work. Yep, definitely not trying to hold everyone's attention by lies! He's also hooked up on marijuana. So... that all is why I've decided that we should break up. I donno... I still think about him at least once a week... wondering how he is doing? Have he found the partner to be with? And I don't know if I miss him or just... having someone who cares about you for just existing? But he blocked me permanently... I can't reach out vof him...
So now I'm just saying everything straight. Hey, I'm ownerless kitten, I'm looking for someone strong and who can own me. I'm very passive, very bottom, very baby. I can follow commands, I'm willing to be forced! But... guess nobody cares for such people... bet there are plenty of folk like me, but better, easier to reach, they have time and money to visit their masters so that they could have proper test drive on their new bottoms. And me? I'm only trouble... I shouldn't exist...
No time to live life
Posted 2 years agoHaven't done this for a while now! I prefer to spend any free time I have to draw now, rather than complain. But it's aaaall so bad, it's 3 a.m. and I can't sleep and will have to go to work at 7 a.m. it's not like I don't want to sleep. I'd be glad to just fall into long hibernation! But I need time to live life you know, to think about anything but work and study, I just started new project, I'm such a masochist artist, I take different poses, angels, and now I'll make a background! It's always sooo hard, but you know, I'm improving fast by doing this, if I would draw only headshots like with Hoodwink, I'd only be able to do heads and it's pretty boring, no one wants just head in one exact angle. No... people are more into full body, situations, expressions, dynamics! So I think I'll get better by hurting myself every time I draw because "AaaaHhjh!!! I don't know how to!!!". But to do that today I just have to give up my sleep. I think this is probably the biggest problem for our society today... we've been decided for on how do we spend all of our lives. And the only time you have left in your possession is nights, and you are supposed to sleep during that time but... you don't... because... when else would I watch the show I liked!? When else would I fill my dairy!? When else would I live!? And ofc lack of sleeping is damaging health, but what else can I do!? I'm back to being productive for 2 weeks now and I'm losing it. I'm so tired of all this... I just someone strong and loving to take care of me... but where do people fine the true love? Where do people find the daddy who would take good care of you? I don't know, they just meet by accident, but when will I meet anybody, if I'm working full time, then doing tasks from college, then I draw for a little while and do to sleep. Oh and I'm studying on Saturdays. So one day in a week to hang with my love? Nice... most likely I won't even hang. We'll just talk online, because I don't see myself with and Russian guy. I don't want to be Russian guy, I hate government, I hate how people treat each other, I hate how homophobic everyone are, I hate so so much things in Russia. I don't want to be here, but who needs me to the point of getting through uncountable amount of problems to get me out of here? Right, no one. No one knows me, no one cares. So while everyone around is working to survive, I have to not just survive, I have to work triple hard to be able to get away to some normal countries. Canada, US, UK... Europe is fine too, but I just so happened to know English and not German or French, that's why I think of US and UK most. I donno I still kinda hope for some miracle to happen to me. Maybe someone will read that journal and decide to try reaching out, and we get to talk and flirt and stuff and suddenly this person would invite me to their home to try out living together for some time, and we get to know each other very well and then we married and happy, and I'm being the best housewife ever who is doing artwork and preform voice acting so could eventually help financially as well and they lived happily ever after... Pffft... naive... how many factors must come together!? I'm eay too odd, like... I'm kinda unsexual, but at the same time I have huge libido and want to do kinky stuff at any time, just no actual penetrations no sex. Don't forget about ABDL thing. How many daddys and momys do you know? Most people are littles, it's pretty much a meme, like on fist pages of Shine. "Will you be my momy!?" when star goes on internet. That's kinda cringe, but I can relate to this so much, this littles are just so desperate to be loved, but no one does... And no one loves me, and probably never will, well at least unconditionally, even my parents never loved me unconditionally, only if I've done something. So... mb if I'd be a good artist.... someone would notice me? Well, the last hope... I'll get me 3 hrs sleep and it's time to go to work! Have a nice one, people ;)
The nature of wanting to be inferior
Posted 2 years agoSome thoughts about "why am I like this? Why am I so fucked up".
You know, actually been submissive goes against my character. I'm totally opposite! I value freedom more that anything, I'm going through all this shit because I couldn't stand been with my parents. I can now say "I don't need a thing from you, leave me alone", and it's so great, so satisfying. But why then I have so much fantasys about been forced into submission, if I have been forced like that my whole life and hate it!? I want the strong figure near me, making decisions for me... I want that figure to take care about me... care... may be that's the point? No one ever really cared about me, only commanded, harassed me. But... well at the same time I love been miserable! In my fantasys I'm called worthlessness, pathetic, useless etc. But I hated it, now I want it!? It has to make some sense!!!
Maybe it's like... you know, brain can produce hormones and some stuff like that in response to big pain. You know, to compensate. I guess, there's the reason, brain throughout my childhood and teenage was trained to respond to this kind of treatment. And so, when it gets triggered by such things... it immediately responds with hormones to make me feel good, to compensate, but if it's not... real, if it's not really an offense on me, if I can stop it at any time by a safeword... there's nothing to really compensate, so it just feel good! Well, mostly makes me horny :D
Mb it's a phase, but I still want to make this ABDL and BDSM fetishes go away by taking some fix it all pill. Cz I'm too exposed for abuse like this! Previously I told you how bad it feels that V uses that to win an argument or get what he wanted from me. And I like it! And hate it! My character side hates it! I wanna be independent and strong, but my animal hormones side want it baaaadly!!! It's almost like been drug addicted, only my own body produces the drug, but I need someone to push this triggers in my brain! And they can use me all they want, do anything to me! I want to trust someone, but there's nobody who would want me... and even if there would be someone who would be interested in me, I don't think I could trust this person. I dunno... I could say I was betrayed too many times, but at the same time, I can't recall any real cases. Like... I feel betrayed by some actions, but I don't fully know what this actions are? Like... could you call using my submissive side for your benefit a betrayal? No, it's good for both of us, he gets what he wanted, I get my buttons pushed, everyone us happy! Could you call bern treated like shit by your parents a betrayal? No, they never promised me anything, we never had a talk like "Remember Simon, whatever happends I'll be kn your side!", no! So, it's not a betrayal! But don't you get a nasty feeling by reading it? Like.. yaaaaa.... you never promised, but I think I can expect my parents to take my side!? I guess I had things like that now and then. So I feel like I can't trust anyone. I can take a promis, but "Tust" is more than that. Ahhh, C even broke his promise actually, but aaah, to hell with this pathological liar.
Oh, and my "not trying to work hard anymore" thing is working! In this culture, could you imagine someone taking that as an achievement lol!? But I really feel better, like I have strengths to do something.
https://youtu.be/hezlWUS7g3U
You know, actually been submissive goes against my character. I'm totally opposite! I value freedom more that anything, I'm going through all this shit because I couldn't stand been with my parents. I can now say "I don't need a thing from you, leave me alone", and it's so great, so satisfying. But why then I have so much fantasys about been forced into submission, if I have been forced like that my whole life and hate it!? I want the strong figure near me, making decisions for me... I want that figure to take care about me... care... may be that's the point? No one ever really cared about me, only commanded, harassed me. But... well at the same time I love been miserable! In my fantasys I'm called worthlessness, pathetic, useless etc. But I hated it, now I want it!? It has to make some sense!!!
Maybe it's like... you know, brain can produce hormones and some stuff like that in response to big pain. You know, to compensate. I guess, there's the reason, brain throughout my childhood and teenage was trained to respond to this kind of treatment. And so, when it gets triggered by such things... it immediately responds with hormones to make me feel good, to compensate, but if it's not... real, if it's not really an offense on me, if I can stop it at any time by a safeword... there's nothing to really compensate, so it just feel good! Well, mostly makes me horny :D
Mb it's a phase, but I still want to make this ABDL and BDSM fetishes go away by taking some fix it all pill. Cz I'm too exposed for abuse like this! Previously I told you how bad it feels that V uses that to win an argument or get what he wanted from me. And I like it! And hate it! My character side hates it! I wanna be independent and strong, but my animal hormones side want it baaaadly!!! It's almost like been drug addicted, only my own body produces the drug, but I need someone to push this triggers in my brain! And they can use me all they want, do anything to me! I want to trust someone, but there's nobody who would want me... and even if there would be someone who would be interested in me, I don't think I could trust this person. I dunno... I could say I was betrayed too many times, but at the same time, I can't recall any real cases. Like... I feel betrayed by some actions, but I don't fully know what this actions are? Like... could you call using my submissive side for your benefit a betrayal? No, it's good for both of us, he gets what he wanted, I get my buttons pushed, everyone us happy! Could you call bern treated like shit by your parents a betrayal? No, they never promised me anything, we never had a talk like "Remember Simon, whatever happends I'll be kn your side!", no! So, it's not a betrayal! But don't you get a nasty feeling by reading it? Like.. yaaaaa.... you never promised, but I think I can expect my parents to take my side!? I guess I had things like that now and then. So I feel like I can't trust anyone. I can take a promis, but "Tust" is more than that. Ahhh, C even broke his promise actually, but aaah, to hell with this pathological liar.
Oh, and my "not trying to work hard anymore" thing is working! In this culture, could you imagine someone taking that as an achievement lol!? But I really feel better, like I have strengths to do something.
https://youtu.be/hezlWUS7g3U
Must? What if I just don't?
Posted 2 years agoIt's been a week since I stoped posting. Mostly due to 0 reaction from anyone. Probably no one reads it anyway. And as I wrote at my bio... I see no point in doing things if no one will see the result. Guess that need just comes from how my parents never reacted to anything I did.
But well, oki, what IF someone, one day will read it... I want to let it out anyway.
So today I just made a decision. I won't do my responsibilitys form at least this month, Fabruary. Like I mostly make it look like I'm doing my job, firing it is, fire me if you want. I stopped doing anything about my studies. I just... relax for now. It's pretty hard, but Rene convinced me that I need it or I'll have a mental breakdown or psychotic episode or something alike.
So... ofc I had thoughts like... "ooo, you'll have huge concicuances! Wanna be expelled from university!? Want troubles at work!?" No, but I have no choise.
The acceptence of that fact, that I have no choise now, that it's either going crazy or that... it made me like... let myself have that time without of selfblame.
So, I hope I'll get my stengths back and deal with that later. Anxiety is no joke, I must stop take it all so seriously right now or it will be worse.
SO, expect another Dota2 char! It's Monkey King! And I gave up on Hoodwink's body cz it was too hard to draw and too ugly to show. Not this time, I won't give up, and I'll make it full body art this time! After this I'll try to start on my fursona! Xenobyte! Or Xen! Yah... you easilly can tell if programmer made that nickname or not lol :D Well, I didn't really made it, it's a nickname of one of characters from an old Russian fiction about games betatesters, called Betatesters! Xenobyte was my fav char. And since it's from like... 2004 I think, I don't think many people even know about this fiction at all, especially in furry fandom, ESPACIALLY in Eng speaking fandom. So, it must be pretty unic for fursona and no one would judge me for using that cool name! I made up a palette!
I learned a bit about meaning of coulors for charaters. So my palette must give watcher the right impression on me. I hope! I'm just trying to start it all right.
I would be happy if I could just order some pro artist make me ref of my sona. But I have no money, economics after a year in war... you know... it's now really good now. All world's economy suffers now, buy in Russia it's a total disaster! Just can't afford spending any extra money on fun stuff. So, I better learn good an make myself something nice! And as I said on previous journals, maybe even get extra money out of it. Cz 400$ for American furry is like... 400, for me it's my monthly wage, 28 000 rub! I belive, if I wouldn't have to spend 8 hrs working, + 1 hr for lunch, +1 hr to get there, + 1hr to get back... 11 hours every day to just live, I would manage making like 10 35$ commisions per mounth to make living. I wouldn't be rich ofc, but I wouldn't have to suffer so much every day! But it's still a loooooong way until it would have any chances of coming to be. 100s of bad arts just for practice, years of learning! like... did you see the first page of "Found"? Original vresion, not the remake. It wasn't too professional, but look where Babystar is now, how much good she can do for people, but it took years of practice!
Hm.. mb I should also start my own comic in same begginer's style, to not lose motivation on continuing. Guess I'd just tell about me in this form. I remember a good quote from one russian pony fanfic, "Muse's hostage" I guess i can translate it like that... aaaah and I have to translate quote as well... something like... if I remember correctlly... "Invented stories don't mean anything, they don't ignite anything inside the reader. In order for your creation to mean something, you will have to cut your heart right out of your chest, beating, bleeding, take it and put it on a snow-white plate! And to present your heart to the reader like that, is the only way to do something meaningful". And people are ussally not willing to take it, unless they are hurt... "You have some nice potential. Broken, supressed, crushed by public opinion and criticism! That 's what I need!".
So, guess I'm fitting in, I'll give you my heart in that comic to come.
Also... mb I'll try to get someone to just talk to, V is good, but I can't talk to one person forever now can I? Since he is very much dislikes ABDL (at least he's honest about it), and I want to talk about it, I would like to get someone... but I really don't know where am I suppose to?
Anyway, geting calmer, getting my strengths back, my health is more important that GPA or wrok, good thing I have Rene to take care about me at least in that way, I love her <3
Good night pretty furs!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxevv5KpsrE
But well, oki, what IF someone, one day will read it... I want to let it out anyway.
So today I just made a decision. I won't do my responsibilitys form at least this month, Fabruary. Like I mostly make it look like I'm doing my job, firing it is, fire me if you want. I stopped doing anything about my studies. I just... relax for now. It's pretty hard, but Rene convinced me that I need it or I'll have a mental breakdown or psychotic episode or something alike.
So... ofc I had thoughts like... "ooo, you'll have huge concicuances! Wanna be expelled from university!? Want troubles at work!?" No, but I have no choise.
The acceptence of that fact, that I have no choise now, that it's either going crazy or that... it made me like... let myself have that time without of selfblame.
So, I hope I'll get my stengths back and deal with that later. Anxiety is no joke, I must stop take it all so seriously right now or it will be worse.
SO, expect another Dota2 char! It's Monkey King! And I gave up on Hoodwink's body cz it was too hard to draw and too ugly to show. Not this time, I won't give up, and I'll make it full body art this time! After this I'll try to start on my fursona! Xenobyte! Or Xen! Yah... you easilly can tell if programmer made that nickname or not lol :D Well, I didn't really made it, it's a nickname of one of characters from an old Russian fiction about games betatesters, called Betatesters! Xenobyte was my fav char. And since it's from like... 2004 I think, I don't think many people even know about this fiction at all, especially in furry fandom, ESPACIALLY in Eng speaking fandom. So, it must be pretty unic for fursona and no one would judge me for using that cool name! I made up a palette!
I learned a bit about meaning of coulors for charaters. So my palette must give watcher the right impression on me. I hope! I'm just trying to start it all right.
I would be happy if I could just order some pro artist make me ref of my sona. But I have no money, economics after a year in war... you know... it's now really good now. All world's economy suffers now, buy in Russia it's a total disaster! Just can't afford spending any extra money on fun stuff. So, I better learn good an make myself something nice! And as I said on previous journals, maybe even get extra money out of it. Cz 400$ for American furry is like... 400, for me it's my monthly wage, 28 000 rub! I belive, if I wouldn't have to spend 8 hrs working, + 1 hr for lunch, +1 hr to get there, + 1hr to get back... 11 hours every day to just live, I would manage making like 10 35$ commisions per mounth to make living. I wouldn't be rich ofc, but I wouldn't have to suffer so much every day! But it's still a loooooong way until it would have any chances of coming to be. 100s of bad arts just for practice, years of learning! like... did you see the first page of "Found"? Original vresion, not the remake. It wasn't too professional, but look where Babystar is now, how much good she can do for people, but it took years of practice!
Hm.. mb I should also start my own comic in same begginer's style, to not lose motivation on continuing. Guess I'd just tell about me in this form. I remember a good quote from one russian pony fanfic, "Muse's hostage" I guess i can translate it like that... aaaah and I have to translate quote as well... something like... if I remember correctlly... "Invented stories don't mean anything, they don't ignite anything inside the reader. In order for your creation to mean something, you will have to cut your heart right out of your chest, beating, bleeding, take it and put it on a snow-white plate! And to present your heart to the reader like that, is the only way to do something meaningful". And people are ussally not willing to take it, unless they are hurt... "You have some nice potential. Broken, supressed, crushed by public opinion and criticism! That 's what I need!".
So, guess I'm fitting in, I'll give you my heart in that comic to come.
Also... mb I'll try to get someone to just talk to, V is good, but I can't talk to one person forever now can I? Since he is very much dislikes ABDL (at least he's honest about it), and I want to talk about it, I would like to get someone... but I really don't know where am I suppose to?
Anyway, geting calmer, getting my strengths back, my health is more important that GPA or wrok, good thing I have Rene to take care about me at least in that way, I love her <3
Good night pretty furs!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxevv5KpsrE
Another day
Posted 2 years agoToday I've been told at work that I stink. Oh really, don't have fucking water for 2 weeks, very fkn mad about it, cz I perfectly aware that I am very dirty and feel it every moment, cz I didn't take shower for 2 weeks, THANKS FOR CARE, HOW ELSE WOULD HAVE I NOTICED!?
Such a nasty feeling... I wanna go to mumy and cry, I just wanna go home. But there is no mum, there is no home and I can't cry. And noone cares about me.
It's Friday at least... I have serious thoughts of getting 2-3 letters of vodka and just sedate myself for all the weekends... but I know it will get worse at monday, but I just can't live... to hell with Monday, I want to stop suffering now.
V got Corona... again! Wtf is wrong with you, I haven't got one ever, when I live in dormitory and I use public transport every day to get to work. At the rush hour! And you sit at your ass playing hunt, warframe and dota all days long! Uuuuh!!!
That means I can't even go ask him to let me take a shower or I'll definitely catch one also.
Uuuuh... I don't know... Guess will buy some bottled water, boil it and get myself a bit cleaner at least.
Donno, it hurts all over... shoulders, guts, feet, head...
Thus one is pretty short so I think I'll just edit this one, instead of creating next.
So, I'm trying to relax and all. But it's not really working out. Like... I know that I have to be relaxed, have to get some strengths to survive another week and to start doing studies stuff. But every single moment I just fucking can't forget about everything. I'm supposed to be chilling but I'm thinking of how shity Monday will be, all the week to be exact. And how bad will my studies be, and what a hard times will I have doing stuff I supposed to do now alone with the stuff I'll have to at that moment in the future.
It's like... I'm feeling in danger always, like something isn't done and it will bite me at some point. And holy fuck I want some kind of playdate.
To hell with playdate, I want to be vulnerable for some time. I want someone to care about me... not like "Oh, too bad it sucks so much for you maaaan, we're all having a hard times now", like really take care of me. I'm so tired, I didn't had a chance be vulnerable since like 10 I think, when we moved into the big city. Since that time when parents got tons of stress and started blowing it all on me... I've lost my safe space then... I had to be strong ever since, take control, take responsibility. I had to be strong to defend myself even at home, only emotionally, ok, but it still means a lot for a kid... to be attacked emotionally by his own parents. Mother to be exact, father never bothered about me. Give him his beer and buzz off.
But Mother... she was very offensive, always. So I learned to be strong and never give her any reactions. I learned to be unemotional, fully, irl many people would consider me heartless, but sorry... sorry I don't feel emotions, I really want to, but I can't. I'm never alone, but in a bad sense. I have to be unemotional or people would start to pick up on me.
I'm feeling like the mental breakdown is coming very close... some minor shit at work will make me go insane and beat the shit out of someone.
But there's not much I can do... it's not like I can just say "Ok, it's all too hard for me, I quit university, I quit job and just gonna got have some fun", I can't. I have no way to go in that case. Nowhere to live, nothing to eat... job gives me food and clothes, and studying gives me some roof over my head.
What do I do? How do I survive it all on my own?
https://youtu.be/Ksipo7tK3xI
Such a nasty feeling... I wanna go to mumy and cry, I just wanna go home. But there is no mum, there is no home and I can't cry. And noone cares about me.
It's Friday at least... I have serious thoughts of getting 2-3 letters of vodka and just sedate myself for all the weekends... but I know it will get worse at monday, but I just can't live... to hell with Monday, I want to stop suffering now.
V got Corona... again! Wtf is wrong with you, I haven't got one ever, when I live in dormitory and I use public transport every day to get to work. At the rush hour! And you sit at your ass playing hunt, warframe and dota all days long! Uuuuh!!!
That means I can't even go ask him to let me take a shower or I'll definitely catch one also.
Uuuuh... I don't know... Guess will buy some bottled water, boil it and get myself a bit cleaner at least.
Donno, it hurts all over... shoulders, guts, feet, head...
Thus one is pretty short so I think I'll just edit this one, instead of creating next.
So, I'm trying to relax and all. But it's not really working out. Like... I know that I have to be relaxed, have to get some strengths to survive another week and to start doing studies stuff. But every single moment I just fucking can't forget about everything. I'm supposed to be chilling but I'm thinking of how shity Monday will be, all the week to be exact. And how bad will my studies be, and what a hard times will I have doing stuff I supposed to do now alone with the stuff I'll have to at that moment in the future.
It's like... I'm feeling in danger always, like something isn't done and it will bite me at some point. And holy fuck I want some kind of playdate.
To hell with playdate, I want to be vulnerable for some time. I want someone to care about me... not like "Oh, too bad it sucks so much for you maaaan, we're all having a hard times now", like really take care of me. I'm so tired, I didn't had a chance be vulnerable since like 10 I think, when we moved into the big city. Since that time when parents got tons of stress and started blowing it all on me... I've lost my safe space then... I had to be strong ever since, take control, take responsibility. I had to be strong to defend myself even at home, only emotionally, ok, but it still means a lot for a kid... to be attacked emotionally by his own parents. Mother to be exact, father never bothered about me. Give him his beer and buzz off.
But Mother... she was very offensive, always. So I learned to be strong and never give her any reactions. I learned to be unemotional, fully, irl many people would consider me heartless, but sorry... sorry I don't feel emotions, I really want to, but I can't. I'm never alone, but in a bad sense. I have to be unemotional or people would start to pick up on me.
I'm feeling like the mental breakdown is coming very close... some minor shit at work will make me go insane and beat the shit out of someone.
But there's not much I can do... it's not like I can just say "Ok, it's all too hard for me, I quit university, I quit job and just gonna got have some fun", I can't. I have no way to go in that case. Nowhere to live, nothing to eat... job gives me food and clothes, and studying gives me some roof over my head.
What do I do? How do I survive it all on my own?
https://youtu.be/Ksipo7tK3xI
Can't sleep
Posted 2 years agoI don't like alcohol but I wanna be sedated... not happy that I drunk today, but I just did. Bought myself some cashews, tried to relax... but the shit is that I'm calm only when I'm sedated, as soon as alcohol wears off I'm uncomfortable and unhappy again.
Shouldn't let myself become an alcoholic too... I really want to live long and be healthy, still walk at least 8 kilometers every day, not smoking, never took drugs. But alcohol... it seem so... normal... like... everyone drink you know, it's fine, it's no big deal. But I know for a fact that it is a big deal, drinking is like taking loan of your tranquility. And now I have to pay it back.
We don't have hot water for a week already btw. I'd really appreciated shower now... but still no luck. Can't make myself brush teeth... sleeping in same clothing I work in, I basically just take on and off my jacket when I go out. There's some spots on me... but I don't give a fuck anymore... shoes have big holes and I get my feet wet every time I step on snow... now I let myself drink... what's next? I'm such a mess...
Oh yeah and I can't make myself do studies now... as I was walking back home... if I can call any place in this world home... I thought I'll get to studies but no... I can't... I'm just to tired after work, I'm always tired.
Btw tried to send last song to V... like... a hint... that my suicidal thoughts return after 2 years of silence. But he didn't get it at all... just said he did like the melody and rhythm, and that he doesn't like any brony songs. "I'm gone cz u refuse to listen". Well, guess he did refused to... but you'll be forgiven, actually. V, you told me many times that you can't stand any form of poor hygiene, and I'm all messed up, that you don't like songs I like, don't share my fetish at all. And it's fine... glad you're honest. I know that you don't like me.
Oh, today I called him on discord and he asked to wait for 5 minutes and never called back... he've got better friends than me... and a boyfriend from Sweedsland. He'll just... have someone how can take care of him. Unlike me. I only need, need, I want, want. I can't give anything, can't make a nice expensive gift, can't take him to another country to live... I'm worthless... Just a helpless baby, but you know... there are real orphans out there. Abandoned and truly helpless, if noone want to take care of them, how do I deserve anything? People want to get something from relationships, I want to get something, but I have nothing to offer...
Freaking heartburn came back... can't sleep even tho I should.
I so want it all to end... I've been suffering in hopes for better future since 10 yo, it's been 13 years, I still wait for suffering to end, but it's not ending!
Ok, just have to endure this school, I'll get in new one next year. Next school is same, ok, mb a bit better, but I'm still bullied a lot and crying almost every day. Ok, just wait until the ninth grade, and you can go to college* but it's not much better in college, keeping up with studying is very hard, than I got excluded on 3rd year, I thought at some moment that I'm very special and smart and all, but turned out I'm not... every year 50% of group got excluded, I never thought I'd be one of them at some point... it's been so much screaming and scandals. I still remember it so very clearly... when mum suggested me to kill myself cz I'm worthless.
- What can I do now!? I told you I did my best! Do I just kill myself now!?
- Yeh, go do exactly that you stupid worthless fat pig!
Every time she phones me now... asking on how do I do... how could she help... or why don't I ever call her first... it's in my ears... I can't unhear it now.
I recovered and tried again next year, finished 3rd year and got excluded on 4th. Recovered again and finished college* in 6 years instead of 4. Worked for one year... for 14500/month (200$/month) full time job. Never got promoted. Couldn't keep living in parents place, can't endure them around myself. So I sent my application for university* and now I'm a student, starting 4th semester. And it never gets better, never gets easier... all my life is "just have to endure this dark bit of life and things will get better". I can't believe in that anymore. Just can't anymore... it will never be good and easy, it always gets worse and worse every year.
Funny... come to think of it... "I've lost everything worth living for"... I haven't. Hahaha! The irony is rich!!! I NEVER HAD ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, I LIVED BECAUSE WAS HOPING I WILL HAVE!!!
Why can't I cry... not fair...
*should clean up terminology now. In normal countries college is a part of university, so going to college is same as going to university. But I Russia it's flipped! College is where you can go before you graduate from high school, you can basically skip 2 last years of school that way, and after 4 years you get a diploma of specialist in something, kinda like degree, but it's nothing out of Russia. Guess you could say that I have a specialist degree in computer science. And university is where you get a bachelor's and master's degree. So yeah, I'm gonna study computer since for 10 fucking years when I graduate. Btw, I hate it. I mentioned, I'm only doing this because it can potentially give me some good money and open opportunities to move out. Not much you can do, if you can barely afford food and a roof over your head, if you just trying to survive.
Shouldn't let myself become an alcoholic too... I really want to live long and be healthy, still walk at least 8 kilometers every day, not smoking, never took drugs. But alcohol... it seem so... normal... like... everyone drink you know, it's fine, it's no big deal. But I know for a fact that it is a big deal, drinking is like taking loan of your tranquility. And now I have to pay it back.
We don't have hot water for a week already btw. I'd really appreciated shower now... but still no luck. Can't make myself brush teeth... sleeping in same clothing I work in, I basically just take on and off my jacket when I go out. There's some spots on me... but I don't give a fuck anymore... shoes have big holes and I get my feet wet every time I step on snow... now I let myself drink... what's next? I'm such a mess...
Oh yeah and I can't make myself do studies now... as I was walking back home... if I can call any place in this world home... I thought I'll get to studies but no... I can't... I'm just to tired after work, I'm always tired.
Btw tried to send last song to V... like... a hint... that my suicidal thoughts return after 2 years of silence. But he didn't get it at all... just said he did like the melody and rhythm, and that he doesn't like any brony songs. "I'm gone cz u refuse to listen". Well, guess he did refused to... but you'll be forgiven, actually. V, you told me many times that you can't stand any form of poor hygiene, and I'm all messed up, that you don't like songs I like, don't share my fetish at all. And it's fine... glad you're honest. I know that you don't like me.
Oh, today I called him on discord and he asked to wait for 5 minutes and never called back... he've got better friends than me... and a boyfriend from Sweedsland. He'll just... have someone how can take care of him. Unlike me. I only need, need, I want, want. I can't give anything, can't make a nice expensive gift, can't take him to another country to live... I'm worthless... Just a helpless baby, but you know... there are real orphans out there. Abandoned and truly helpless, if noone want to take care of them, how do I deserve anything? People want to get something from relationships, I want to get something, but I have nothing to offer...
Freaking heartburn came back... can't sleep even tho I should.
I so want it all to end... I've been suffering in hopes for better future since 10 yo, it's been 13 years, I still wait for suffering to end, but it's not ending!
Ok, just have to endure this school, I'll get in new one next year. Next school is same, ok, mb a bit better, but I'm still bullied a lot and crying almost every day. Ok, just wait until the ninth grade, and you can go to college* but it's not much better in college, keeping up with studying is very hard, than I got excluded on 3rd year, I thought at some moment that I'm very special and smart and all, but turned out I'm not... every year 50% of group got excluded, I never thought I'd be one of them at some point... it's been so much screaming and scandals. I still remember it so very clearly... when mum suggested me to kill myself cz I'm worthless.
- What can I do now!? I told you I did my best! Do I just kill myself now!?
- Yeh, go do exactly that you stupid worthless fat pig!
Every time she phones me now... asking on how do I do... how could she help... or why don't I ever call her first... it's in my ears... I can't unhear it now.
I recovered and tried again next year, finished 3rd year and got excluded on 4th. Recovered again and finished college* in 6 years instead of 4. Worked for one year... for 14500/month (200$/month) full time job. Never got promoted. Couldn't keep living in parents place, can't endure them around myself. So I sent my application for university* and now I'm a student, starting 4th semester. And it never gets better, never gets easier... all my life is "just have to endure this dark bit of life and things will get better". I can't believe in that anymore. Just can't anymore... it will never be good and easy, it always gets worse and worse every year.
Funny... come to think of it... "I've lost everything worth living for"... I haven't. Hahaha! The irony is rich!!! I NEVER HAD ANYTHING WORTH LIVING FOR, I LIVED BECAUSE WAS HOPING I WILL HAVE!!!
Why can't I cry... not fair...
*should clean up terminology now. In normal countries college is a part of university, so going to college is same as going to university. But I Russia it's flipped! College is where you can go before you graduate from high school, you can basically skip 2 last years of school that way, and after 4 years you get a diploma of specialist in something, kinda like degree, but it's nothing out of Russia. Guess you could say that I have a specialist degree in computer science. And university is where you get a bachelor's and master's degree. So yeah, I'm gonna study computer since for 10 fucking years when I graduate. Btw, I hate it. I mentioned, I'm only doing this because it can potentially give me some good money and open opportunities to move out. Not much you can do, if you can barely afford food and a roof over your head, if you just trying to survive.
I'm still standing
Posted 2 years agoWell, today I took a day off to visit new subject in university and get in touch with it's teacher so that she wouldn't be cross with me skipping all the lectures and seminars cz if my work. Usually they all say that it's my fault that I've decided to go full time job and that mb I don't need education if so smart and got job already. But... yeah! I don't need education, cz there is no education in Russian university! I need a damn toilet paper named bachelor's degree cz a LOOOOT of employers wouldn't ever consider interviewing you if don't have diploma. Same applies to work experience, I was going to that interview this summer thinking "ok, they are probably gonna dump me, but I'll get experience from it, I'll be less nervous when I'll be trying to get job for real" and than BAM! After aaaall the tests, questions my current co-workers where like "So, you think this one or the one we had on Thursday?
- Weeeell... come to think of it... they did quite equal ... but this one at least suggests things and even if the answer was wrong and not optimized, he makes things work somehow, so I think that makes him better candidate in my view.
Then it's settled! Congrats lad, we'll take as a trainee 1C programmer!"
And I didn't really expected that. But couldn't pass the opportunity! I thought I might never get another chance, everyone needs experienced IT guys, noone needs you with no working experience.
So I agreed... and not I'm told "it's your FAULT, it's your PROBLEM" it's not a problem! I'm just trying to crawl out of the shit hole that I just born in!
And so suddenly this teacher today said that it's excellent that I've got a job, that she will encourage anyone how will do so, and not make a problem of her subject for us if we already know what we want to do in life. Usually... uuuh they don't give a flying fuck about you, oh, you are working as Python programmer!? HOW DO I CARE? I WANT YOU TO MAKE FUCKING DELHI PROJECT! Not my case but you get the total idea.
Sad that the subject I'm allowed to skip is Javascript and Typescript programming... cz 1C is not a thing out of Russia. And I want to move to US or UK or wherever people speak English and it's 1st world country where you can be yourself and work for making your life better, not for survival.
Uuuuh.... I'm so very exhausted even after holidays, but I want to ace exams just so that I could have pretty high GPA and try, just try to apply for master's degree in US, sponsored education for foreign students is a thing, I hope... but then I must have some nice grades, and have experience so that I could get a job that could sponsor me a green card. Yeah... again LOOOOOOOONG plan, like... 2,5 more years to get bachelor's, then applying... and IF I'M VEEEEEERY LUCKY getting student's visa and IF I'm good enough to keep up, 2 more years for master degree in computer science, then IF I'm lucky enough to find a company that would apply for my green card... only then I'll start... life... like normal life of a normal person... with rights, with money, with opportunity to do something I want.
To many "if"s, I don't really believe I can make it...
Still don't know if i should even try for my GPA... I fear that I'll just break myself even more, I already feel like I'm not ok! Endless anxiety, stress, lack of time for myself, signs of depression and suicidal thoughts... I'm very manly with them... I'm not telling anyone irl about them, I'm not doing self harm and never had. I'm to rational... if i decide at some point that this life not worth living, I'll just jump from my window on a 9th floor. I can do it right now and no worries for tomorrow, no work for tomorrow, no studies... just rest, eternal.
But also no more talking to V... and can't imagine how much would i hurt him... I'm so ashamed now that i remember how mad i was at him for showing up... if you read past journals, you know that I at some point a year ago bought a litter of vodka and dunk it all at once, and was playing dota with V, then all of sudden stopped feeling relaxed, fell from my stool and started crying loud and begging for someone to kill me, screaming at sealing that i can't keep going like this. I remember how I was accusing V of the fact I didn't kill myself at my 16... I said I hate him. That I hate that he keeps me suffering for his entertainment. At that point we became friends again and not partners anymore.
And here it comes again, I can't kill myself because of him, it would hurt him way too much. Some part of me hates him for the fact that I love him.
Emm, sorry I've got carried away... I wanted to say that it's sad that I'm allowed to skip studying on a subject that could give me one more way through work to normal countries. Why JS of all things!? Why it couldn't be DELPHI!?
On top of all... I hate programming! I'm only doing it so I could have a chance for better life! But I hate it, I wanted to be a writer actually or a voice actor, but I have no personal space to even try. I trained myself pretty good voice tho... so guess can start voice acting right as soon as I get myself some personal space.
Oh and diet fucked up after holidays ended... more stress - more food I need. But now it's worse, now I blame myself for eating shit. Just bought a whole chocolate bar and ate it all with cola. Wtf have I done!? It's like a tooooooons of extra calories that will add to my fat. I'm 105kg already and want to be little 60-65kg girl! And what did I do to achieve it? Ate a big choice bad and drunk litter of cola in addition to the fact that I always eat fast food on my lunch break and I only eat once a day, on my lunch break! Great fucking job, Simon you'll be ugly as fuck fat weirdo in diapers that noone would be able to carry around ever, nice job! And what does this kind of thoughts do to me? Ofc, make me want to eat some more shit!
Life is just demanding so much of me that i can't keep up... every day I'm about to break, every day I'm thinking of just killing myself, every day I just wanna cry and can't do it, physically, can't make myself no matter how bad I feel!
But I'm telling myself that it will get better, just have to keep going and all the pain will pay back. But I'm... bending instead of breaking to pieces. I become more and more corrupted, damaged every day. And there's always more to do, always more required of me.
I'm worrying that at the end... I'll be someone else...
Distorted, damage, corrupted person, that I wouldn't be able to love, to trust, to feel anything. That when I get stable in life... it wouldn't matter anymore, cz I can't enjoy life no more. Cz I'll have a ton of mental and physical issues for life.
So... it's all pointless. To get financial stability I'll have to suffer so much that I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Imagine how hard it is to find caretaker or just a playdate partner who would be interested in you when you are 30+ yo 200kg guy. It's easier to be in this kid of play when you're 17, 20, 22, but older... don't think you'd look cute or anything... at least not when you're overweight.
Then I can throw everything away? Well, kinda... studying, programmer job, ok then what!?
Then I'll have to find some shitty low quality job for minimum wage and basically play survival and end up exactly the same, but a bit later! In all logic... pointless! It's all pointless,there is no happiness ahead.
So... window is right there, I'm looking at it...
Fuck you, V. Goodnight, diary. https://youtu.be/Rc8yKcar6Gk
- Weeeell... come to think of it... they did quite equal ... but this one at least suggests things and even if the answer was wrong and not optimized, he makes things work somehow, so I think that makes him better candidate in my view.
Then it's settled! Congrats lad, we'll take as a trainee 1C programmer!"
And I didn't really expected that. But couldn't pass the opportunity! I thought I might never get another chance, everyone needs experienced IT guys, noone needs you with no working experience.
So I agreed... and not I'm told "it's your FAULT, it's your PROBLEM" it's not a problem! I'm just trying to crawl out of the shit hole that I just born in!
And so suddenly this teacher today said that it's excellent that I've got a job, that she will encourage anyone how will do so, and not make a problem of her subject for us if we already know what we want to do in life. Usually... uuuh they don't give a flying fuck about you, oh, you are working as Python programmer!? HOW DO I CARE? I WANT YOU TO MAKE FUCKING DELHI PROJECT! Not my case but you get the total idea.
Sad that the subject I'm allowed to skip is Javascript and Typescript programming... cz 1C is not a thing out of Russia. And I want to move to US or UK or wherever people speak English and it's 1st world country where you can be yourself and work for making your life better, not for survival.
Uuuuh.... I'm so very exhausted even after holidays, but I want to ace exams just so that I could have pretty high GPA and try, just try to apply for master's degree in US, sponsored education for foreign students is a thing, I hope... but then I must have some nice grades, and have experience so that I could get a job that could sponsor me a green card. Yeah... again LOOOOOOOONG plan, like... 2,5 more years to get bachelor's, then applying... and IF I'M VEEEEEERY LUCKY getting student's visa and IF I'm good enough to keep up, 2 more years for master degree in computer science, then IF I'm lucky enough to find a company that would apply for my green card... only then I'll start... life... like normal life of a normal person... with rights, with money, with opportunity to do something I want.
To many "if"s, I don't really believe I can make it...
Still don't know if i should even try for my GPA... I fear that I'll just break myself even more, I already feel like I'm not ok! Endless anxiety, stress, lack of time for myself, signs of depression and suicidal thoughts... I'm very manly with them... I'm not telling anyone irl about them, I'm not doing self harm and never had. I'm to rational... if i decide at some point that this life not worth living, I'll just jump from my window on a 9th floor. I can do it right now and no worries for tomorrow, no work for tomorrow, no studies... just rest, eternal.
But also no more talking to V... and can't imagine how much would i hurt him... I'm so ashamed now that i remember how mad i was at him for showing up... if you read past journals, you know that I at some point a year ago bought a litter of vodka and dunk it all at once, and was playing dota with V, then all of sudden stopped feeling relaxed, fell from my stool and started crying loud and begging for someone to kill me, screaming at sealing that i can't keep going like this. I remember how I was accusing V of the fact I didn't kill myself at my 16... I said I hate him. That I hate that he keeps me suffering for his entertainment. At that point we became friends again and not partners anymore.
And here it comes again, I can't kill myself because of him, it would hurt him way too much. Some part of me hates him for the fact that I love him.
Emm, sorry I've got carried away... I wanted to say that it's sad that I'm allowed to skip studying on a subject that could give me one more way through work to normal countries. Why JS of all things!? Why it couldn't be DELPHI!?
On top of all... I hate programming! I'm only doing it so I could have a chance for better life! But I hate it, I wanted to be a writer actually or a voice actor, but I have no personal space to even try. I trained myself pretty good voice tho... so guess can start voice acting right as soon as I get myself some personal space.
Oh and diet fucked up after holidays ended... more stress - more food I need. But now it's worse, now I blame myself for eating shit. Just bought a whole chocolate bar and ate it all with cola. Wtf have I done!? It's like a tooooooons of extra calories that will add to my fat. I'm 105kg already and want to be little 60-65kg girl! And what did I do to achieve it? Ate a big choice bad and drunk litter of cola in addition to the fact that I always eat fast food on my lunch break and I only eat once a day, on my lunch break! Great fucking job, Simon you'll be ugly as fuck fat weirdo in diapers that noone would be able to carry around ever, nice job! And what does this kind of thoughts do to me? Ofc, make me want to eat some more shit!
Life is just demanding so much of me that i can't keep up... every day I'm about to break, every day I'm thinking of just killing myself, every day I just wanna cry and can't do it, physically, can't make myself no matter how bad I feel!
But I'm telling myself that it will get better, just have to keep going and all the pain will pay back. But I'm... bending instead of breaking to pieces. I become more and more corrupted, damaged every day. And there's always more to do, always more required of me.
I'm worrying that at the end... I'll be someone else...
Distorted, damage, corrupted person, that I wouldn't be able to love, to trust, to feel anything. That when I get stable in life... it wouldn't matter anymore, cz I can't enjoy life no more. Cz I'll have a ton of mental and physical issues for life.
So... it's all pointless. To get financial stability I'll have to suffer so much that I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Imagine how hard it is to find caretaker or just a playdate partner who would be interested in you when you are 30+ yo 200kg guy. It's easier to be in this kid of play when you're 17, 20, 22, but older... don't think you'd look cute or anything... at least not when you're overweight.
Then I can throw everything away? Well, kinda... studying, programmer job, ok then what!?
Then I'll have to find some shitty low quality job for minimum wage and basically play survival and end up exactly the same, but a bit later! In all logic... pointless! It's all pointless,there is no happiness ahead.
So... window is right there, I'm looking at it...
Fuck you, V. Goodnight, diary. https://youtu.be/Rc8yKcar6Gk
Colors
Posted 2 years agoWell, I just say... I expect to grow faster in drawing, but after Hoodwink... everything I make seems at same level or worse. So it kinda kills motivation, without of special education in art people spend years to improve their skill to watchable level!
Like, ok, Hoodwink is watchable, but it's like something that a school student made, not 23 y.o. guy...
Understanding that I'm bound to make stuff like Hoodwink for at least half a year before I could stop drawing existing characters and make my own. I kinda run my cat as a project, I'm serious about visualizing my fursona.
I've been thinking into color pallet this weekends...
So the dominant should be gray, as I'm pretty much about balancing. I believe that balance is the key to everything in life! I'm not easily jumping to conclusions after I've got a tiny bit of info about something. So that's my personality, that is the main color.
The secondary colors should be green and purple. I love green, really! It's about tranquility and nature. Purple has a lot of meanings, but I just feel for this color.
Also I'd like to add some pink... a girly color, that would be hidden most of the times by clothing. I love black, I'm wearing a lot of black irl.
Like... I hide my pink under it, you know... I'm feeling safe like that, the color of luxury, richness, power, control! Outside I'm all about that, that's what I use, black.
So I'd like my sona to reflect it... but... uuuh.... it looks awful!!!
Even tho green and purple are theoretically complimentary colors, they look pretty bad on character... like too toxic! And you never meet green, purple and gray together in nature, so it looks awful.
I don't know now... mb will play with color's shade, make it less toxic...
Why weekends ended so fast... I just can't sleep because I know, that as I'll fall asleep, I'll skip right to the part when I have to get up and go to work for 8 hours. Fuck! Doing anything in the world for 8 hours every day will make you hate that thing! Mb after couple of months, but it will!
But every minute I spend sleepless make tomorrow worse and worse!
And semesters is starting now! I'm definitely gonna fuck up in university this semester, I just can't keep going like this, I can't keep up with my work alone, I fucked up a lot this December and January at work.
And now studying and full time job at the same time again!? FUUUCK!!! Sleepless evenings and nights keeping up on lectures and class tasks. Just the very thought makes me nervously shake... and yeh, I noticed my lines are very... wavy... I think I got a hard tremor... but hay! My heartburn ended, at least I can sleep if I want! Good sign, I guess.
I always feel trapped in this situation... in this country as well. I know there's a place out of this cage with no more tears and no more rage, but this chains just pull me down... there's no hope for us around... no hope of getting better, no hope of getting away from this war. But... even if I run away... where do I go? Where am I gonna be loved and needed? Nowhere... Not in this world, not in this life...
And yes, I know I need help, but there is noone to help me. I am alone in this world. I'm telling my problems to V, but there's not much he can do, he is also under a big stress with his university. It's not like I have some magical saver who can just take me to their house so I wouldn't have to work to buy food and pay rent anymore. Even more that that, I'm a man, I'm expected to carry some girl and kids.
Another reason to be girl here... if I'd be a girl, I'd at least had a chance of finding some nice guy who would care about me! But I'm not, I'm not a baby girl, noone cares about me. I'm so manly man to the bone I can't even cry every tho I really want to right now. I want to cry screaming that I want to be padded baby girl... but no. Totaly depressed, stressed and week friend, alcoholic father and freaky psychopath mother that's all I have. Noone of them can solve my problems, noone can care about me properly. Not even Rene can do anything. Only I can care about me... there's no hope for us around, Rene, sorry you have to witness it all.
Have to put on my black again, put on my self confident face and make that REST API work tomorrow.
https://youtu.be/aAqhf_zRLx0
Like, ok, Hoodwink is watchable, but it's like something that a school student made, not 23 y.o. guy...
Understanding that I'm bound to make stuff like Hoodwink for at least half a year before I could stop drawing existing characters and make my own. I kinda run my cat as a project, I'm serious about visualizing my fursona.
I've been thinking into color pallet this weekends...
So the dominant should be gray, as I'm pretty much about balancing. I believe that balance is the key to everything in life! I'm not easily jumping to conclusions after I've got a tiny bit of info about something. So that's my personality, that is the main color.
The secondary colors should be green and purple. I love green, really! It's about tranquility and nature. Purple has a lot of meanings, but I just feel for this color.
Also I'd like to add some pink... a girly color, that would be hidden most of the times by clothing. I love black, I'm wearing a lot of black irl.
Like... I hide my pink under it, you know... I'm feeling safe like that, the color of luxury, richness, power, control! Outside I'm all about that, that's what I use, black.
So I'd like my sona to reflect it... but... uuuh.... it looks awful!!!
Even tho green and purple are theoretically complimentary colors, they look pretty bad on character... like too toxic! And you never meet green, purple and gray together in nature, so it looks awful.
I don't know now... mb will play with color's shade, make it less toxic...
Why weekends ended so fast... I just can't sleep because I know, that as I'll fall asleep, I'll skip right to the part when I have to get up and go to work for 8 hours. Fuck! Doing anything in the world for 8 hours every day will make you hate that thing! Mb after couple of months, but it will!
But every minute I spend sleepless make tomorrow worse and worse!
And semesters is starting now! I'm definitely gonna fuck up in university this semester, I just can't keep going like this, I can't keep up with my work alone, I fucked up a lot this December and January at work.
And now studying and full time job at the same time again!? FUUUCK!!! Sleepless evenings and nights keeping up on lectures and class tasks. Just the very thought makes me nervously shake... and yeh, I noticed my lines are very... wavy... I think I got a hard tremor... but hay! My heartburn ended, at least I can sleep if I want! Good sign, I guess.
I always feel trapped in this situation... in this country as well. I know there's a place out of this cage with no more tears and no more rage, but this chains just pull me down... there's no hope for us around... no hope of getting better, no hope of getting away from this war. But... even if I run away... where do I go? Where am I gonna be loved and needed? Nowhere... Not in this world, not in this life...
And yes, I know I need help, but there is noone to help me. I am alone in this world. I'm telling my problems to V, but there's not much he can do, he is also under a big stress with his university. It's not like I have some magical saver who can just take me to their house so I wouldn't have to work to buy food and pay rent anymore. Even more that that, I'm a man, I'm expected to carry some girl and kids.
Another reason to be girl here... if I'd be a girl, I'd at least had a chance of finding some nice guy who would care about me! But I'm not, I'm not a baby girl, noone cares about me. I'm so manly man to the bone I can't even cry every tho I really want to right now. I want to cry screaming that I want to be padded baby girl... but no. Totaly depressed, stressed and week friend, alcoholic father and freaky psychopath mother that's all I have. Noone of them can solve my problems, noone can care about me properly. Not even Rene can do anything. Only I can care about me... there's no hope for us around, Rene, sorry you have to witness it all.
Have to put on my black again, put on my self confident face and make that REST API work tomorrow.
https://youtu.be/aAqhf_zRLx0
To pretend or not to pretend?
Posted 2 years agoYou know what's one of the worst things in people's nature? We pretend to be something we aren't. And it's only nature, if a caveman pretended to be better that he is, he gets better chances of leaving offspring you know. So we pretend to be something we aren't subconsciously, it's in our brains on a very deep level.
Sadly, nature and evolution doesn't care a bit about you been happy. They liked each other after lies, they fuck, they make a baby, done, you can just die now, that's how I, nature, do things. And so people are so very often find themselves in unhappy relationships.
But what if person are looking forward in life? Surpassed that program inside, that subconscious call, looking for real relationships? For real-real relationship, looking to have a partner for life? You probably shouldn't lie about yourself, about your feelings, about your habits. If you really like to drink with your friends on Fridays til you are shitfaced, who would ever want to be with you? You might think "if it's true love, I'll just stop it, I'll change my life habits forever". That's an option, ofc, but will you be able to stop yourself for long? Or it will stress you constantly, burn you from inside? Depends I guess...
But ok, you've discovered that you want to be opened, you are now telling real you to surroundings, stop pretending. And so? Noone likes you that way, what to do now? Pretend again? To just feel loved once again and dumped in a month
cz you can't keep been the person you aren't?
That's kinda how I feel now. V and I just can't be together because we don't like ŕeal each other. We managed to open ourselves, ture selves. Noone knows him as well as I do, noone knows me as well as he does. But at the same time... we just don't fit in as a couple. I'm always busy and have no time to even sleep properly, always rushing everything, always running to make everything on time. He is slow, he has aaaall the time in the world, he likes everything slow. I'm not into actually fucking, everything around, the relationships, kinks, blowjob, but not actually putting my penis into he's asshole. And he just wants to fuck! I like to be forced into obedience, controlled on every step i take. He wants me to do as he asks, but not in dominant way, he asks to do stuff, not commands. He likes magic and conspiracy stuff, I'm the logic man, I'm ultra rational and trying to find explanation for everything in the world. We are been honest with each other, and find that we can work as a couple.
It hurts, cz I dunno anyone else like this... and feel like I'm doomed to be alone against the world, forever.
Sadly, nature and evolution doesn't care a bit about you been happy. They liked each other after lies, they fuck, they make a baby, done, you can just die now, that's how I, nature, do things. And so people are so very often find themselves in unhappy relationships.
But what if person are looking forward in life? Surpassed that program inside, that subconscious call, looking for real relationships? For real-real relationship, looking to have a partner for life? You probably shouldn't lie about yourself, about your feelings, about your habits. If you really like to drink with your friends on Fridays til you are shitfaced, who would ever want to be with you? You might think "if it's true love, I'll just stop it, I'll change my life habits forever". That's an option, ofc, but will you be able to stop yourself for long? Or it will stress you constantly, burn you from inside? Depends I guess...
But ok, you've discovered that you want to be opened, you are now telling real you to surroundings, stop pretending. And so? Noone likes you that way, what to do now? Pretend again? To just feel loved once again and dumped in a month
cz you can't keep been the person you aren't?
That's kinda how I feel now. V and I just can't be together because we don't like ŕeal each other. We managed to open ourselves, ture selves. Noone knows him as well as I do, noone knows me as well as he does. But at the same time... we just don't fit in as a couple. I'm always busy and have no time to even sleep properly, always rushing everything, always running to make everything on time. He is slow, he has aaaall the time in the world, he likes everything slow. I'm not into actually fucking, everything around, the relationships, kinks, blowjob, but not actually putting my penis into he's asshole. And he just wants to fuck! I like to be forced into obedience, controlled on every step i take. He wants me to do as he asks, but not in dominant way, he asks to do stuff, not commands. He likes magic and conspiracy stuff, I'm the logic man, I'm ultra rational and trying to find explanation for everything in the world. We are been honest with each other, and find that we can work as a couple.
It hurts, cz I dunno anyone else like this... and feel like I'm doomed to be alone against the world, forever.
Monday
Posted 2 years agoJust started to have some nice times, relaxed a bit and the Monday strikes! Ouch...
I kinda finished Hoodwink, yeh and thought it was dumb to upload unfinished pic so I removed it. Finished but just can get in right enough... smth seem wrong, so will try fixing things tomorrow evening and upload it again!
I wanted to make full body, but I suck so much ass at making animal paws... I retried like 20+ times, it always looks ugly, like 5 yo made it! So I framed it to just shoulders and part of torso.
Mb I'm overcomplicating things, I should go with some easy style, more of a cartoony comic style? Oooohhhh!!! I CAN MAKE COMICS LIKE STAR!!! Definitely gonna try finding my own style and make some little comic. I'm totally not up for competition in realistic style with actual artists who was learning art from kindergarten, story, expressions should be my field.
Oooh, work just eats my soul and my sleep time! I'm exhausted of sleeping 4-5 hr a day but how else can I get ME time!? To draw, to play, to think!? Yah, shitty mood, mb that's why rest of the artwork turned out so bad? Anyway, just have to survive this, it's not so busy week, just gonna go to the military office tomorrow, and work and that's pretty much it. No stupid studying this week! So just gonna endure life until Saturday then will have some proper drawing time...
Yeh... nothing much I wanna tell today, this week is probably gonna be uneventful, sooo... mb I'll stop everyday journals.
https://youtu.be/laQ9V3h8ukU
I kinda finished Hoodwink, yeh and thought it was dumb to upload unfinished pic so I removed it. Finished but just can get in right enough... smth seem wrong, so will try fixing things tomorrow evening and upload it again!
I wanted to make full body, but I suck so much ass at making animal paws... I retried like 20+ times, it always looks ugly, like 5 yo made it! So I framed it to just shoulders and part of torso.
Mb I'm overcomplicating things, I should go with some easy style, more of a cartoony comic style? Oooohhhh!!! I CAN MAKE COMICS LIKE STAR!!! Definitely gonna try finding my own style and make some little comic. I'm totally not up for competition in realistic style with actual artists who was learning art from kindergarten, story, expressions should be my field.
Oooh, work just eats my soul and my sleep time! I'm exhausted of sleeping 4-5 hr a day but how else can I get ME time!? To draw, to play, to think!? Yah, shitty mood, mb that's why rest of the artwork turned out so bad? Anyway, just have to survive this, it's not so busy week, just gonna go to the military office tomorrow, and work and that's pretty much it. No stupid studying this week! So just gonna endure life until Saturday then will have some proper drawing time...
Yeh... nothing much I wanna tell today, this week is probably gonna be uneventful, sooo... mb I'll stop everyday journals.
https://youtu.be/laQ9V3h8ukU
Wow, I did it
Posted 2 years agoHaha, I've finally done it, I've made a digital art! Not finished it... but I will! I googled up some videos about digital art, saw couple of drawing streams. And I made all the shit, like a carcass layer, where I make a pose, then a rough line layer where I make a form, a flesh of body and the final layer where I make all the details. And this really works and makes life easier!
And it's also relaxing, this state of flow... nothing matters, you just make your art...
Oh and that first time upload... OH! 1 VIEW!!! 2!!! 6!!!!! OMG I'M FAMOUS!!!! 20?! THEY GONNA COMMENT ANY MINUTE!!! WHAT WILL IT BE!? "Good one for first try! Keep growing!" Or some critical comment? Yeh... I've done poorly on the line from nose... her muzzle seems too short... Oh, I forgot to blur it here... ow... anyway, will fix it!
Exiting!!!
Uploading anything on the internet feels exiting? I've done some montage for YouTube actually... it was just to make laugh of how funny localized voice-over from one old spiderman game was. I was also pretty excited back than, but not as much as now... maybe it's because of journals someone could read? XD which I want and don't want as the same time!
Hope I can keep that excitement and energy to draw more stuff. Guess I'll start with dota2 characters for practice, different poses, different spices... hehe, will the mighty Gaben be pissed off and sue me if I draw them padded? XD
Then ref of my sona... and I wanna make some gift arts! Watch out, Babystar, you first!
Ohhh, knowing you've created something feels so good... and make me want to create more!
Aaaaand my good tradition of putting some music I liked, mb some of you have seen it even, boom (now I wonder if can even put links here? Should sit through the TOS actually)
https://youtu.be/UOueMzKYbP0
And it's also relaxing, this state of flow... nothing matters, you just make your art...
Oh and that first time upload... OH! 1 VIEW!!! 2!!! 6!!!!! OMG I'M FAMOUS!!!! 20?! THEY GONNA COMMENT ANY MINUTE!!! WHAT WILL IT BE!? "Good one for first try! Keep growing!" Or some critical comment? Yeh... I've done poorly on the line from nose... her muzzle seems too short... Oh, I forgot to blur it here... ow... anyway, will fix it!
Exiting!!!
Uploading anything on the internet feels exiting? I've done some montage for YouTube actually... it was just to make laugh of how funny localized voice-over from one old spiderman game was. I was also pretty excited back than, but not as much as now... maybe it's because of journals someone could read? XD which I want and don't want as the same time!
Hope I can keep that excitement and energy to draw more stuff. Guess I'll start with dota2 characters for practice, different poses, different spices... hehe, will the mighty Gaben be pissed off and sue me if I draw them padded? XD
Then ref of my sona... and I wanna make some gift arts! Watch out, Babystar, you first!
Ohhh, knowing you've created something feels so good... and make me want to create more!
Aaaaand my good tradition of putting some music I liked, mb some of you have seen it even, boom (now I wonder if can even put links here? Should sit through the TOS actually)
https://youtu.be/UOueMzKYbP0
Finally some rest!
Posted 2 years agoNo, brain, can I just go to sleep without of writing another journal!? No? Fine...
Well, today was great! I finally got to sleep as long as I please, didn't have anything to do, a reward for a long distance run. Well, tactically... I have to do some programming that I promised at exams. Like "Oh, this little flaw? It's pretty easy to manage, just have to *programming shit*" so examinaitor understood that I have enough knowledge, but answered with "I'll give you your 5 (like A in Russia, 2 - D, 3 - C, 4 - B, 5 - A) but if you promise to fix this flaw we found and email me with the result" what was I supposed to say!? "OH HEEEELL NO!"?
But fuck everything I don't have a freaking heartburn anymore, after I gone "fuck everything" mode. I don't want it back, so, trying to ignore the fact that I'm not actually done. Oh I'm done! You didn't say WHEN am I supposed to correct this stuff. So, later, later ok?
And since I'm alone in a room, I can just lock myself in and play hairstyle with the stuff I bought earlier, hair clips with pink girly bow and hair scrunchie. I'm terribly disappointed on how bad I do it... would be cool if someone could care about my hair... V said I have a beautiful thick hair. But he wouldn't even brush it. "ooooh love it, even a bit envy about it...
Would you like to brush it? Make bunches or just mess with it all you want?
No, no I can't I won't sorry"
Like... it's not like diapers change cmon! What's so bad about it!? You sucked my dick! I sucked your dick!!! WE WHERE BOYFRIENDS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH MY HAIR CZ WHAT!? IT'S ABDL THEAMED!? THAT'S IT!? AAAAAAHHH!!!!!
So, looks like random baby jokes is gonna be the biggest I'm getting! Hair situation wasn't today tho...
Today I was just chilling. Oh yeah I kinda stumbled on some word as we where playing dota today and just gone "fuck everything" mode and started baby talking on V! Like "... so as we reach level 5 we must strike at the very moment, just disable him and redufff... fif almoh... Baaa! Goo hit badys WEEE! PUF PUF PLAAA-LA!" The silence was my answer and also I missed everything and failed our attack V wasn't happy XD
Especially since I always was very good at dota, like "I'm gonna be at cybersports mum!" level... yeh, mum don't give a shit about what you want, go do your homework son. But 5300 is pretty high mmr actually, so V is more used to me been the best of the best players on map, and nowadays I'm just fooling around even tho sometimes old habits kicks in like at the moment where I started building an attack plan, but the second I understand what I'm doing, "fuck everything" mode XD I'm not leading anyone, I'm not carrying the game, I'm just a baby squirrel running around, baby talking, throwing nuts at enemies sometimes XD
And it does feel better! It's like a form of therapy! I'm just training myself to let go, just do what I want and not what needs to be done. I let V be in charge even tho he is much less skilled player, whatever, I get to be leaded somewhere, just do as I told like a well behaved baby. Oh and he knows now that he can make me do anything he wants by going "You are a naughty brat!" mode.
I don't know if I like that he abuses it now. Like we get in an argument about any subject. Like recently... it was about alcohol. I'm not anti alcohol guy, I just drink VARY RARELY, but I do it sometimes. So I was trying to prove that crazy anti alcohol propaganda is awful. You lie about how bad it is and what does it cause, there we have a full of shit propaganda video that shows up at schools alot, and everyone saw it. It starts with "When a single drop of alcohol finds it's way into your body eretrocytes stick together to form blood clots..." and CMON Alcohol dilutes the blood! Yes alcoholic can have blood clots but because of damaged health, not because of immediate effects of alcohol!!!
My point is that you should put truthful info about everything! There also was bullshit about beer "Phytoestrogens are contained in beer in huge quantities, when a man drinks beer, he begins to turn into a woman" but in video where used Russian disparaging word for woman "Баба", yes, "Baba" literally like that, it's an assault to call a man like that in Russia.
Where was I... so in fact, phytoestrogens and estrogens are different biologically! You can't become a woman by drinking fucking beer, that must be obvious! But no. They make such a fool of us, that one guy who's dream is to become a femboy... DRINKS A LOT OF BEER AND THINKING THAT WILL MAKE HIM MORE OF A FEMBOY!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR LOGIC HOW DO YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!?
SO, I'm definitely winning argument with facts, with pulling out links to accredited scientific researches.
And V just goes "Shush! If I here one more word from you, naughty butt, I'll MAKE YOU learn this video by heart and you will be describing me in all details how much damage can one drop of alcohol do! Understood!?
- Uhum...
- Good, and don't you dare contradict grownups again!"
Isn't it fucked up that he is doing it only to get what he wanted? I don't know, sounds like a dream to be talked to like that irl! And he really nails the mommy tone!
Yeah and it was started from that HE'S DOING THINGS LIKE THAT IN DOTA NOW, even if I know that he's command is bad and we should totally do other thing... pfff, who gives a crap that I have twice your mmr if you can just do mama tone and make the little smartass shut up? That's it, no reason to listen to arguments now...
I just wish I could have someone like me, who knows ABDL and isn't so disgusted by it. Someone like me... I know what song am I gonna put today!
https://youtu.be/LCy19JV7t9o
Well, today was great! I finally got to sleep as long as I please, didn't have anything to do, a reward for a long distance run. Well, tactically... I have to do some programming that I promised at exams. Like "Oh, this little flaw? It's pretty easy to manage, just have to *programming shit*" so examinaitor understood that I have enough knowledge, but answered with "I'll give you your 5 (like A in Russia, 2 - D, 3 - C, 4 - B, 5 - A) but if you promise to fix this flaw we found and email me with the result" what was I supposed to say!? "OH HEEEELL NO!"?
But fuck everything I don't have a freaking heartburn anymore, after I gone "fuck everything" mode. I don't want it back, so, trying to ignore the fact that I'm not actually done. Oh I'm done! You didn't say WHEN am I supposed to correct this stuff. So, later, later ok?
And since I'm alone in a room, I can just lock myself in and play hairstyle with the stuff I bought earlier, hair clips with pink girly bow and hair scrunchie. I'm terribly disappointed on how bad I do it... would be cool if someone could care about my hair... V said I have a beautiful thick hair. But he wouldn't even brush it. "ooooh love it, even a bit envy about it...
Would you like to brush it? Make bunches or just mess with it all you want?
No, no I can't I won't sorry"
Like... it's not like diapers change cmon! What's so bad about it!? You sucked my dick! I sucked your dick!!! WE WHERE BOYFRIENDS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO MESS WITH MY HAIR CZ WHAT!? IT'S ABDL THEAMED!? THAT'S IT!? AAAAAAHHH!!!!!
So, looks like random baby jokes is gonna be the biggest I'm getting! Hair situation wasn't today tho...
Today I was just chilling. Oh yeah I kinda stumbled on some word as we where playing dota today and just gone "fuck everything" mode and started baby talking on V! Like "... so as we reach level 5 we must strike at the very moment, just disable him and redufff... fif almoh... Baaa! Goo hit badys WEEE! PUF PUF PLAAA-LA!" The silence was my answer and also I missed everything and failed our attack V wasn't happy XD
Especially since I always was very good at dota, like "I'm gonna be at cybersports mum!" level... yeh, mum don't give a shit about what you want, go do your homework son. But 5300 is pretty high mmr actually, so V is more used to me been the best of the best players on map, and nowadays I'm just fooling around even tho sometimes old habits kicks in like at the moment where I started building an attack plan, but the second I understand what I'm doing, "fuck everything" mode XD I'm not leading anyone, I'm not carrying the game, I'm just a baby squirrel running around, baby talking, throwing nuts at enemies sometimes XD
And it does feel better! It's like a form of therapy! I'm just training myself to let go, just do what I want and not what needs to be done. I let V be in charge even tho he is much less skilled player, whatever, I get to be leaded somewhere, just do as I told like a well behaved baby. Oh and he knows now that he can make me do anything he wants by going "You are a naughty brat!" mode.
I don't know if I like that he abuses it now. Like we get in an argument about any subject. Like recently... it was about alcohol. I'm not anti alcohol guy, I just drink VARY RARELY, but I do it sometimes. So I was trying to prove that crazy anti alcohol propaganda is awful. You lie about how bad it is and what does it cause, there we have a full of shit propaganda video that shows up at schools alot, and everyone saw it. It starts with "When a single drop of alcohol finds it's way into your body eretrocytes stick together to form blood clots..." and CMON Alcohol dilutes the blood! Yes alcoholic can have blood clots but because of damaged health, not because of immediate effects of alcohol!!!
My point is that you should put truthful info about everything! There also was bullshit about beer "Phytoestrogens are contained in beer in huge quantities, when a man drinks beer, he begins to turn into a woman" but in video where used Russian disparaging word for woman "Баба", yes, "Baba" literally like that, it's an assault to call a man like that in Russia.
Where was I... so in fact, phytoestrogens and estrogens are different biologically! You can't become a woman by drinking fucking beer, that must be obvious! But no. They make such a fool of us, that one guy who's dream is to become a femboy... DRINKS A LOT OF BEER AND THINKING THAT WILL MAKE HIM MORE OF A FEMBOY!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR LOGIC HOW DO YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT!?
SO, I'm definitely winning argument with facts, with pulling out links to accredited scientific researches.
And V just goes "Shush! If I here one more word from you, naughty butt, I'll MAKE YOU learn this video by heart and you will be describing me in all details how much damage can one drop of alcohol do! Understood!?
- Uhum...
- Good, and don't you dare contradict grownups again!"
Isn't it fucked up that he is doing it only to get what he wanted? I don't know, sounds like a dream to be talked to like that irl! And he really nails the mommy tone!
Yeah and it was started from that HE'S DOING THINGS LIKE THAT IN DOTA NOW, even if I know that he's command is bad and we should totally do other thing... pfff, who gives a crap that I have twice your mmr if you can just do mama tone and make the little smartass shut up? That's it, no reason to listen to arguments now...
I just wish I could have someone like me, who knows ABDL and isn't so disgusted by it. Someone like me... I know what song am I gonna put today!
https://youtu.be/LCy19JV7t9o
I wanna see a better tomorrow
Posted 2 years agoHi guys... ahh, wfat guys, stupid? Noone reads it anyway.
Hello, diary, today I've aced last exam!
So, now everyone get to chill until February! Expect for me, I have full time job... at least I have my weekends and no pressure on studying, only pressure about work, health and war ofc. So it's something already.
Oh, I finally decided to order some graphic template! I'll get to try myself at drawing! Besides, if it goes well, it might me a way of making enough money for food and little apartment. Like... if you draw ABDL or any other rare fetish, you can get committed even if you never finished art school and make just "ok" arts.
Like really, I make as previously said 25k, 350$ per month. Some artists can charge that for one good art! So... 10 35$ commissions per month and I'll be fine! Mb it's my way to escape from the horrible world, just sit in my little apartment, get food from delivery, and just drawing ABDL... mmmm... Мечты, мечты, наивности пороки! (Dreams, oh dreams, the vices of naivety)
Just feeding myself with hopes, I've never been into drawing. Even if I leant somehow, I couldn't enjoy it.
I'd actually preferred voice acting. But mb the best way is to get it together? Like, drawing for 2-3 hrs, get tired of drawing, get to work with relaxed vocal cords, as vocal cords need relaxing, get back to drawing! Would be grate... well, have to try it.
Hah, now I thought that if I do so, some folks might visit my page and find this journals! Mixed up feelings. Like... HAY, STOP, IT'S PERSONAL, RANDOM STRANGER SHOULDN'T READ IT!!!
At the same time... "but then who do I write it for then?" It's not like I'm exposing myself, like "Programmer from Tambov named Simon, wow, totally concrete person, now I can blackmail him somehow, haraaay!" Especially since I might be lying about something, like cmon Simon isn't a Russian name, and what if I graduate this summer and return to hometown that I never mentioned, or I've never been in Tambov, just heard about it?
So, basically, It's ok to uncover my personality, my character as long as I keep my anonymity. I'm no one, noone at all.
I'll get my graphic template in 2 days and start with Hoodwink. Then something else, when I get a hold on it, will draw my fursona. Oh, I have big ideas on this ref... wanna make different expressions, gonna draw Rene there... my tulpa, remember her? AB shot ofc...
I was drawing some ponies and dota characters (sometimes combined) on paper and it wasn't so bad, so mb I have it in me, just never believed in myself cz my parents never supported me drawing. It wasn't just "YOU CAN'T DO STUPID PICTURES, GET TO STUDY!!! AAAAAR!!!!!!" They just... convinced me that it's useless, that it's a hobby, a way to relax and nothing more. That the only way to succeed is to work hard and get good grades. But... working hard just damages you, it must be balanced, you shouldn't just sit and play video games all day long. You should just work as you feel like working. Or it's a trade off, health time and happiness... for result. It's ok to get your result, but this hard working culture just slowly kills you without you realizing it until suddenly you have serious health problems at your 20s.
Besides, there are so many forces and randomness we can't control. You might die crossing road, or by icicle, or virus, or cancer, or war, or anything! And might die just tomorrow, spend your whole life on building some future for 25 years and just BOOM.
We are candles in the rain
Burning bright til we're snuffed out
So many lights alone the way
I've seen them flash just as they drowned
https://youtu.be/Ze8nWu5NtdE
Hello, diary, today I've aced last exam!
So, now everyone get to chill until February! Expect for me, I have full time job... at least I have my weekends and no pressure on studying, only pressure about work, health and war ofc. So it's something already.
Oh, I finally decided to order some graphic template! I'll get to try myself at drawing! Besides, if it goes well, it might me a way of making enough money for food and little apartment. Like... if you draw ABDL or any other rare fetish, you can get committed even if you never finished art school and make just "ok" arts.
Like really, I make as previously said 25k, 350$ per month. Some artists can charge that for one good art! So... 10 35$ commissions per month and I'll be fine! Mb it's my way to escape from the horrible world, just sit in my little apartment, get food from delivery, and just drawing ABDL... mmmm... Мечты, мечты, наивности пороки! (Dreams, oh dreams, the vices of naivety)
Just feeding myself with hopes, I've never been into drawing. Even if I leant somehow, I couldn't enjoy it.
I'd actually preferred voice acting. But mb the best way is to get it together? Like, drawing for 2-3 hrs, get tired of drawing, get to work with relaxed vocal cords, as vocal cords need relaxing, get back to drawing! Would be grate... well, have to try it.
Hah, now I thought that if I do so, some folks might visit my page and find this journals! Mixed up feelings. Like... HAY, STOP, IT'S PERSONAL, RANDOM STRANGER SHOULDN'T READ IT!!!
At the same time... "but then who do I write it for then?" It's not like I'm exposing myself, like "Programmer from Tambov named Simon, wow, totally concrete person, now I can blackmail him somehow, haraaay!" Especially since I might be lying about something, like cmon Simon isn't a Russian name, and what if I graduate this summer and return to hometown that I never mentioned, or I've never been in Tambov, just heard about it?
So, basically, It's ok to uncover my personality, my character as long as I keep my anonymity. I'm no one, noone at all.
I'll get my graphic template in 2 days and start with Hoodwink. Then something else, when I get a hold on it, will draw my fursona. Oh, I have big ideas on this ref... wanna make different expressions, gonna draw Rene there... my tulpa, remember her? AB shot ofc...
I was drawing some ponies and dota characters (sometimes combined) on paper and it wasn't so bad, so mb I have it in me, just never believed in myself cz my parents never supported me drawing. It wasn't just "YOU CAN'T DO STUPID PICTURES, GET TO STUDY!!! AAAAAR!!!!!!" They just... convinced me that it's useless, that it's a hobby, a way to relax and nothing more. That the only way to succeed is to work hard and get good grades. But... working hard just damages you, it must be balanced, you shouldn't just sit and play video games all day long. You should just work as you feel like working. Or it's a trade off, health time and happiness... for result. It's ok to get your result, but this hard working culture just slowly kills you without you realizing it until suddenly you have serious health problems at your 20s.
Besides, there are so many forces and randomness we can't control. You might die crossing road, or by icicle, or virus, or cancer, or war, or anything! And might die just tomorrow, spend your whole life on building some future for 25 years and just BOOM.
We are candles in the rain
Burning bright til we're snuffed out
So many lights alone the way
I've seen them flash just as they drowned
https://youtu.be/Ze8nWu5NtdE
Unstoppable stress
Posted 2 years agoSo, as always, I just feel need to write something every day, mb it will wear off soon... especially since noone reads it, kina makes it pointless for me.
So, the news! I woke up at 3, 5 and 6:30 AM today, because of a terrible heartburn, I just had to sit on my bed for 10-15 minutes at night, everytime!
So, in addition to all my complaining... Gastric ulcer it what I need! A vicious circle! The more I stress out - the more shit my condition is going. And the worse my condition - the stronger my stress gets.
Like, fuck, now I'm also terrified of been deeply sick. Oh, some of you might just say "What's to worry about, yes you've been saying lots about how shity it is in Russia. But unlike us, you have free medical care!", and you know what, just like everything we have, we have it ON PAPER. There is no way of getting any kind of medical help, or it would be so low quality, that you will get trauma for life. So, medicine is not free in Russia, not at all! And for real medical help... I have no money! I'm only starting my career you know! My monthly pay is 25k rub, it's 350$, and it's all my money, no way I can afford dealing with any gastric shit!
My nerves... my constant stress is destroying my body now, heartburn ain't allowing me to sleep properly, that makes even more damage, and I'm now stuck thinking about it!
And I know that thinking about it will make matters worse!
And I also have exam tomorrow morning! And can't sleep again cz I'm worrying about the outcome!
I'm just so broken and tired... I just want someone to take care of me... but not in this world, not in this life...
I'm just so tired of getting this "ok... just have to survive this year and it's gonna be all fine", but every year for the last 8 years of my life it gets worse every time, much worse... now I'm thinking "ok, just survive this exams, and it's gonna be ok", but it won't. It will never be ok for me.
It's my fate, to just suffer? Hating my parents, hating myself, hating my country, hating my co-workers, having one friend who is also in a big stress, struggling from impossibility of gender transfer, parents issues, troubles in his university... and probably more thoughts and worries that he won't share to not cause my psychological state more damage.
We can't feel supposed by each other, because we both are pretty much powerless. Words "I understand" and "I'm here for you" isn't nothing, but it's not making problems disappear.
Yeah, that's probably the reason why noone reads my journals... too much negative, only whining, complaining.
Besides, what would person even write me? "Hey, it's gonna get better!" No, it won't, stop repeating it, mb I believed this "things will get better" first time, second, third... but after 8 years of things getting worse and not better... sorry, can't belive it.
So, a person reading it would just feel... sorry... powerless to help, don't think we have too many millionaires going around FA looking for some Adult Baby to take care of. That could've been great ofc, but I just don't belive in miracles anymore... it's a cruel world... right now, as I'm in my bed writing it... somewhere someone is getting raped, someone kills himself, someone don't even have a bed or pillow cz they are enslaved. I have a future at least, I have some money at least, I have my pillow at least, I have this journals and FurrAffinity arts to look at. I have strong enough mentality and intelligence to fight.
It is a very cruel world and it's mostly about luck here, but I can fight... but I'm still breathing, my heart still beating... I just think when it's gonna be ok, my organism will be completely destroyed and I'll be total brainfucjed psycho! (Or am I now already? Probably...)
Traditional song! Boom! https://youtu.be/pIO2Y7NsllE
So, the news! I woke up at 3, 5 and 6:30 AM today, because of a terrible heartburn, I just had to sit on my bed for 10-15 minutes at night, everytime!
So, in addition to all my complaining... Gastric ulcer it what I need! A vicious circle! The more I stress out - the more shit my condition is going. And the worse my condition - the stronger my stress gets.
Like, fuck, now I'm also terrified of been deeply sick. Oh, some of you might just say "What's to worry about, yes you've been saying lots about how shity it is in Russia. But unlike us, you have free medical care!", and you know what, just like everything we have, we have it ON PAPER. There is no way of getting any kind of medical help, or it would be so low quality, that you will get trauma for life. So, medicine is not free in Russia, not at all! And for real medical help... I have no money! I'm only starting my career you know! My monthly pay is 25k rub, it's 350$, and it's all my money, no way I can afford dealing with any gastric shit!
My nerves... my constant stress is destroying my body now, heartburn ain't allowing me to sleep properly, that makes even more damage, and I'm now stuck thinking about it!
And I know that thinking about it will make matters worse!
And I also have exam tomorrow morning! And can't sleep again cz I'm worrying about the outcome!
I'm just so broken and tired... I just want someone to take care of me... but not in this world, not in this life...
I'm just so tired of getting this "ok... just have to survive this year and it's gonna be all fine", but every year for the last 8 years of my life it gets worse every time, much worse... now I'm thinking "ok, just survive this exams, and it's gonna be ok", but it won't. It will never be ok for me.
It's my fate, to just suffer? Hating my parents, hating myself, hating my country, hating my co-workers, having one friend who is also in a big stress, struggling from impossibility of gender transfer, parents issues, troubles in his university... and probably more thoughts and worries that he won't share to not cause my psychological state more damage.
We can't feel supposed by each other, because we both are pretty much powerless. Words "I understand" and "I'm here for you" isn't nothing, but it's not making problems disappear.
Yeah, that's probably the reason why noone reads my journals... too much negative, only whining, complaining.
Besides, what would person even write me? "Hey, it's gonna get better!" No, it won't, stop repeating it, mb I believed this "things will get better" first time, second, third... but after 8 years of things getting worse and not better... sorry, can't belive it.
So, a person reading it would just feel... sorry... powerless to help, don't think we have too many millionaires going around FA looking for some Adult Baby to take care of. That could've been great ofc, but I just don't belive in miracles anymore... it's a cruel world... right now, as I'm in my bed writing it... somewhere someone is getting raped, someone kills himself, someone don't even have a bed or pillow cz they are enslaved. I have a future at least, I have some money at least, I have my pillow at least, I have this journals and FurrAffinity arts to look at. I have strong enough mentality and intelligence to fight.
It is a very cruel world and it's mostly about luck here, but I can fight... but I'm still breathing, my heart still beating... I just think when it's gonna be ok, my organism will be completely destroyed and I'll be total brainfucjed psycho! (Or am I now already? Probably...)
Traditional song! Boom! https://youtu.be/pIO2Y7NsllE
Everyday ritual
Posted 2 years agoI read somewhere that people often have some everyday ritual, it helps psychological condition somehow. And it looks like this journals is my ritual now? I thought I don't have anything to say today, it's just usual exhausting days, get up at 8, get to work by 9, programming boring things I don't want to program until it's 18, then walking back to my room in dormitory cz I have to get SOME exercise at all so at least exhausted walking will do, get back by 20, then have to write programs for study that I don't want to program as well and it's also totally stupid and useless, even worst then what I have to do at work! Then I have to get to bed cz I have to get up at 8 and I need some sleep.
You know what I also need? Some rest, some fun, something positive in life!
But don't have it... so, at least I'll try to keep myself together by writing journals. Even if nothing have happened at the day, I just felt need to do it now.
Ok... can I tell you a story of me getting to know some American furry guy in VRChat? Ofc I can, noone ever read it, at least that's what i can tell from 0 notes and 0 comments.
So it was this August when I've started seen furry VRC videos on YouTube, it seemed to look fun. So I've decided to give it a go, see if I could make some friends, practice my English.
Oh looks like it was a mistake to come there with Russian nickname... everyone seemed to be judging me for breathing... silently... sometimes not so silently, Oh I've herd too much of "are you spying on us?" Or "Oh my, look, Russians are spying here" etc. Really? Like... it was either going silent and looking at me or making are you spying joke.
I was about to quit and just delete VRC, can't afford vr set anyway.
But suddenly one wolf called me out "Hey! Why you just standing there!? Come on here!" which I did. Let's call him C and my ex boyfriend V. So I just recently broke up with V and felt empty, even tho he stood as my closest ever friend, V stopped spending all the time with me. So I was desperate for any communication with some kind sole!
And I fell for C, he seemed to understand me, like... imagine... after all day of been treated like some maniac firs thing he said after I came to him "Heya, I want you to know, I don't think that Russian people are some aggressive mad people, it's all big governments play that we don't a word in, so the war that's going on, ah, I don't think it's your fault, ok?". For that moment I thought I found the best, the only one person who was so understanding. And I didn't understood it than, but I do now... he also had that daddy vibe, noone has ever talked to me like "Now mister... *and giving a command*".
Turned out, he was pathological liar. After THAT kind of first impression I was trying to ignore that fact, my brain just forbidden me to think about it. Like... a week after we've met, he started shouting to everyone that he won a lottery, oh and I believed... after he told me that for 6th times we had dialog like
- shhh... ok, ok, I get it, calm down
- but it's 11 million! I can give you money and you won't have to study or work anymore!
- no need to, it's your money, you'll spend them on yourself
- but i wanna spend them on you too
- Only if it will make you happy, you should know, I'm not asking and never will ask you for money, that's not the point at all, that's not why i made friends with you.
He seemed... not too happy about it, and fuck i ignored it once again. Now i think he was upset cz he thought he would make me eager for his fake millions, and I haven't. He was lying to grab attention from everyone. That's sooo unhealthy...
And he lied about everything! Like I still can't understand where did he get his car from!? Every time the story is different, so is it because your grandma died and you got money from her will, or some one just presented you that car or where you just saving up money? I don't know, every time the story is different. C, why? C, why do you lie about everything!?
Oh and my fucking hero syndrome... he was complaining much about how everyone he is trying to get into relationships with are cheating on him or breaking up with him.
And here's me, the best person ever! No worries C, I'll save you from loneliness! I'll be your boyfriend.
And I was, for a month or so, we really missed no physical contact. I've done some googling and found out the immigration program to marry, fiance visa to get into US, then you marrying your love and get a green card and live happily ever after. Yet I was unsure if he would be ready for such a big step, so on one of our VRC dates I've asjed if he thinks that's an option, like would he and his parents be ok with a gay marriage to some Russian guy? Like, it's totally ok to say no, i understand that we've not been together for too long and got to see our real faces on discord just 4-5 times and... YES, he said yes!
But... it was another useless lie. For next month I was searching on procedures for fiance visa, what documents would we need, where to get any forms filled.
And when I told him the plan, what part is he supposed to do in order to get me... he said he wouldn't, that he don't want to marry me at all, and that what he said was just for romantic moment. Lie for lie, for nothing...
So in October we broke up... hah... we... HE just blocked me at some random pont, even tho i asked to never do that and just talk to me if something would be wrong. He was complaining much about how little time can i spend with him cz of my work and university. I suggested we just pause relationship, or stay friends or call it open relationship. Just because if I can't give him enough of my attention, he shouldn't be stopping himself from getting someone else, even if it would hurt me... and that I really really love him and want to keep watching movies together and all, but also want him to be happy, and he just thought at some day "ahhh... this one... ah, he's not my boyfriend, so how do i get to care about him loving me? Yeh, should just throw this garbage out, block" oh how I wanted to cry... but couldn't, I physically can't cry, almost nothing can make me.
Looks like this story gonna give me some trusting ensues. This guy... he said "I love you" like 100+ times to me. Now I hate this phrase. It means nothing. Love is when you care, love is when you know you can trust the person, love is when you don't have to say "I love you" at all, cz it's just too obvious.
Words can mean so little, words can mean nothing at all...
Now I'm alone... just working and studying and working...
I dunno, I feel like I'm gonna break any second of any day, but I have my last exam this Friday... have to ace it... I have made a contract with company and I have to work one full year for them and it's only been 3 months, 9 more to go... it's like... payback for them teaching me, some other company could have made me work for free, as I have no experience. So must get at least 1 working year for my record, then I can just quit for some time, relax, get myself together and get some good position as a professional experienced programmer.
But I have no idea how to survive tomorrow...
One little baby joke from V (prev journals) can't get me that much energy. I have no energy to do anything, I stopped brushings teeth, stopped taking shower, stopped taking clothes off... even now I'm lying in my bed in clothes... what's the point? I'll just get up and go straight to work... nothing else make sense now... just have to keep at work and ace exams.
https://youtu.be/ifv63CC2UHs
You know what I also need? Some rest, some fun, something positive in life!
But don't have it... so, at least I'll try to keep myself together by writing journals. Even if nothing have happened at the day, I just felt need to do it now.
Ok... can I tell you a story of me getting to know some American furry guy in VRChat? Ofc I can, noone ever read it, at least that's what i can tell from 0 notes and 0 comments.
So it was this August when I've started seen furry VRC videos on YouTube, it seemed to look fun. So I've decided to give it a go, see if I could make some friends, practice my English.
Oh looks like it was a mistake to come there with Russian nickname... everyone seemed to be judging me for breathing... silently... sometimes not so silently, Oh I've herd too much of "are you spying on us?" Or "Oh my, look, Russians are spying here" etc. Really? Like... it was either going silent and looking at me or making are you spying joke.
I was about to quit and just delete VRC, can't afford vr set anyway.
But suddenly one wolf called me out "Hey! Why you just standing there!? Come on here!" which I did. Let's call him C and my ex boyfriend V. So I just recently broke up with V and felt empty, even tho he stood as my closest ever friend, V stopped spending all the time with me. So I was desperate for any communication with some kind sole!
And I fell for C, he seemed to understand me, like... imagine... after all day of been treated like some maniac firs thing he said after I came to him "Heya, I want you to know, I don't think that Russian people are some aggressive mad people, it's all big governments play that we don't a word in, so the war that's going on, ah, I don't think it's your fault, ok?". For that moment I thought I found the best, the only one person who was so understanding. And I didn't understood it than, but I do now... he also had that daddy vibe, noone has ever talked to me like "Now mister... *and giving a command*".
Turned out, he was pathological liar. After THAT kind of first impression I was trying to ignore that fact, my brain just forbidden me to think about it. Like... a week after we've met, he started shouting to everyone that he won a lottery, oh and I believed... after he told me that for 6th times we had dialog like
- shhh... ok, ok, I get it, calm down
- but it's 11 million! I can give you money and you won't have to study or work anymore!
- no need to, it's your money, you'll spend them on yourself
- but i wanna spend them on you too
- Only if it will make you happy, you should know, I'm not asking and never will ask you for money, that's not the point at all, that's not why i made friends with you.
He seemed... not too happy about it, and fuck i ignored it once again. Now i think he was upset cz he thought he would make me eager for his fake millions, and I haven't. He was lying to grab attention from everyone. That's sooo unhealthy...
And he lied about everything! Like I still can't understand where did he get his car from!? Every time the story is different, so is it because your grandma died and you got money from her will, or some one just presented you that car or where you just saving up money? I don't know, every time the story is different. C, why? C, why do you lie about everything!?
Oh and my fucking hero syndrome... he was complaining much about how everyone he is trying to get into relationships with are cheating on him or breaking up with him.
And here's me, the best person ever! No worries C, I'll save you from loneliness! I'll be your boyfriend.
And I was, for a month or so, we really missed no physical contact. I've done some googling and found out the immigration program to marry, fiance visa to get into US, then you marrying your love and get a green card and live happily ever after. Yet I was unsure if he would be ready for such a big step, so on one of our VRC dates I've asjed if he thinks that's an option, like would he and his parents be ok with a gay marriage to some Russian guy? Like, it's totally ok to say no, i understand that we've not been together for too long and got to see our real faces on discord just 4-5 times and... YES, he said yes!
But... it was another useless lie. For next month I was searching on procedures for fiance visa, what documents would we need, where to get any forms filled.
And when I told him the plan, what part is he supposed to do in order to get me... he said he wouldn't, that he don't want to marry me at all, and that what he said was just for romantic moment. Lie for lie, for nothing...
So in October we broke up... hah... we... HE just blocked me at some random pont, even tho i asked to never do that and just talk to me if something would be wrong. He was complaining much about how little time can i spend with him cz of my work and university. I suggested we just pause relationship, or stay friends or call it open relationship. Just because if I can't give him enough of my attention, he shouldn't be stopping himself from getting someone else, even if it would hurt me... and that I really really love him and want to keep watching movies together and all, but also want him to be happy, and he just thought at some day "ahhh... this one... ah, he's not my boyfriend, so how do i get to care about him loving me? Yeh, should just throw this garbage out, block" oh how I wanted to cry... but couldn't, I physically can't cry, almost nothing can make me.
Looks like this story gonna give me some trusting ensues. This guy... he said "I love you" like 100+ times to me. Now I hate this phrase. It means nothing. Love is when you care, love is when you know you can trust the person, love is when you don't have to say "I love you" at all, cz it's just too obvious.
Words can mean so little, words can mean nothing at all...
Now I'm alone... just working and studying and working...
I dunno, I feel like I'm gonna break any second of any day, but I have my last exam this Friday... have to ace it... I have made a contract with company and I have to work one full year for them and it's only been 3 months, 9 more to go... it's like... payback for them teaching me, some other company could have made me work for free, as I have no experience. So must get at least 1 working year for my record, then I can just quit for some time, relax, get myself together and get some good position as a professional experienced programmer.
But I have no idea how to survive tomorrow...
One little baby joke from V (prev journals) can't get me that much energy. I have no energy to do anything, I stopped brushings teeth, stopped taking shower, stopped taking clothes off... even now I'm lying in my bed in clothes... what's the point? I'll just get up and go straight to work... nothing else make sense now... just have to keep at work and ace exams.
https://youtu.be/ifv63CC2UHs
Opening up
Posted 2 years agoIn office I was told that they manage 18 yo guys, since I have military id I'm concerned as a reserve guy, so have to go to some other office, back in my city it was all done in one place, i dunno why. So, still alive!
As to what I was really about to write here... I told my closest friend about my little side. And it's not just some friend. We've known each other for 6 or 7 years now. We met online and became very close, and even tried to dive into romantic relationships... but we just don't really match, so after a year decided that we should stay just very close friends (even you know... with benefits).
He told me some times that he really wants to be trans, but he's health may be to weak for that (or he was told so, and generally you know, it's russia, you won't meet many trans people here) and he want to be more of a milf mommy model.
So I uncovered to him that I'm into age play, and asked if he would like to try on been my mom... and I was crushed by his "No, no, sorry but I'm totally not into that!" Which was expected but Ive kinda let myself have too much belief into that possibility.
But yesterday after my exam (which i aceed) and military office visit he invited me to just chill with him at his place.
And so one thing happened... remember how in Shine when Star opened up to Elliy and she made a couple of baby jokes around her? Well, he just unexpectedly patted me on a head while we were in the kitchen and gave me a candy, saying "So, you aced your exam today, such a good girl you are, computer science it a very complicated field and I know you've done a lot to do it, so good girls deserve a treat! Keep it up for me, my baby girl, oki?" Holy cow, I was blown like... I can't say how much it is to get something like that in reality! That totally kicked me out of adult headspace. And he seemed to enjoy that, so maybe it's not all that bad for me? Maybe I can get into little headspace once in a while? Maybe he just thought it's all about hardcore stuff, I can survive without diapers you know, ofc it would've added so much, but it's more about feeling loved an cared about, not about shiting all over the place lol. Like, mb he thought I want him to buy me everything, and that want him to care about me all the time and I never want to go out of diapers or out of little headspace? I better explain concept of a playdate and that there is not wrong or right way to play, maybe he would enroll in it?
Also, there was a moment when he was worrying too much about what's on my plate, and suddenly said "Sorry, it's rude, I'm just acting like my overprotective mom, eat what you want, sorry" ofc I told that it's not rude and I really enjoyed this extra care. Now I wonder... so when parents act too protective and controlling and give no choice or freedom, people can get into care taker mindset and want to be in charge and look after someone in age play, and when parents don't care about kid, always say "learn to do it yourself", "You want that toy? Find some way to make your own money, get used to live", never spend time with them and pushing them to be independent as early as possible, they end up in baby mindset and want to be looked after, like I do now? Interesting...
And well... have to say I never knew how much it meant to me, that I was never treated for successes! I was only punished for failure. If I screw up, I can be sure mom will bring that up every time we have any arguments to prove that I'm to lazy and stupid and should just do as told, even if she told nonsense! But if it's some success... I get very quick short "well done", and that's it, we'll never here about this again, no present, no hugs, nothing, like "What do you expect!? It's normal, you've done what you was expected to do, it's default" is what I read from her tone and body language. And when my friend, as a baby joke, but Sincerely(!) told me that I'm good, that I've done a lot and I deserve a reward... fuck he just pressed a button I never knew I had!
I ran out of albums to throw, lol. But let's just keep the tradition of throwing some music after journals https://youtu.be/YoiUZZk6SwU
As to what I was really about to write here... I told my closest friend about my little side. And it's not just some friend. We've known each other for 6 or 7 years now. We met online and became very close, and even tried to dive into romantic relationships... but we just don't really match, so after a year decided that we should stay just very close friends (even you know... with benefits).
He told me some times that he really wants to be trans, but he's health may be to weak for that (or he was told so, and generally you know, it's russia, you won't meet many trans people here) and he want to be more of a milf mommy model.
So I uncovered to him that I'm into age play, and asked if he would like to try on been my mom... and I was crushed by his "No, no, sorry but I'm totally not into that!" Which was expected but Ive kinda let myself have too much belief into that possibility.
But yesterday after my exam (which i aceed) and military office visit he invited me to just chill with him at his place.
And so one thing happened... remember how in Shine when Star opened up to Elliy and she made a couple of baby jokes around her? Well, he just unexpectedly patted me on a head while we were in the kitchen and gave me a candy, saying "So, you aced your exam today, such a good girl you are, computer science it a very complicated field and I know you've done a lot to do it, so good girls deserve a treat! Keep it up for me, my baby girl, oki?" Holy cow, I was blown like... I can't say how much it is to get something like that in reality! That totally kicked me out of adult headspace. And he seemed to enjoy that, so maybe it's not all that bad for me? Maybe I can get into little headspace once in a while? Maybe he just thought it's all about hardcore stuff, I can survive without diapers you know, ofc it would've added so much, but it's more about feeling loved an cared about, not about shiting all over the place lol. Like, mb he thought I want him to buy me everything, and that want him to care about me all the time and I never want to go out of diapers or out of little headspace? I better explain concept of a playdate and that there is not wrong or right way to play, maybe he would enroll in it?
Also, there was a moment when he was worrying too much about what's on my plate, and suddenly said "Sorry, it's rude, I'm just acting like my overprotective mom, eat what you want, sorry" ofc I told that it's not rude and I really enjoyed this extra care. Now I wonder... so when parents act too protective and controlling and give no choice or freedom, people can get into care taker mindset and want to be in charge and look after someone in age play, and when parents don't care about kid, always say "learn to do it yourself", "You want that toy? Find some way to make your own money, get used to live", never spend time with them and pushing them to be independent as early as possible, they end up in baby mindset and want to be looked after, like I do now? Interesting...
And well... have to say I never knew how much it meant to me, that I was never treated for successes! I was only punished for failure. If I screw up, I can be sure mom will bring that up every time we have any arguments to prove that I'm to lazy and stupid and should just do as told, even if she told nonsense! But if it's some success... I get very quick short "well done", and that's it, we'll never here about this again, no present, no hugs, nothing, like "What do you expect!? It's normal, you've done what you was expected to do, it's default" is what I read from her tone and body language. And when my friend, as a baby joke, but Sincerely(!) told me that I'm good, that I've done a lot and I deserve a reward... fuck he just pressed a button I never knew I had!
I ran out of albums to throw, lol. But let's just keep the tradition of throwing some music after journals https://youtu.be/YoiUZZk6SwU
Little get together and military enlistment office
Posted 2 years agoToday we gathered with my universty friends, I had some little of mead, we were talking about all sorts of things, and when I was explaining I thing about a job, I told that since we live in society we have to correspond standarts, an as example said "... like if, for example, I would want my haid to be pink, I wouldnt do that because of standarts, same applyes here I just make it more obviouse by using example", one girl responded "Hah, you!? Oh now I wanna see you with pink hair and a bow, mark my words I'll fine a way to do so!". Holy fuck she didn't know how much I want that... been treated like a little girl... in a dress and with pink hair... I'm very good at controling emotions, otherwise I would be petrified, blushing at this phrase *blushes*
Recently at work I was told that I must check in as liable for military service (EVERY man is Russia must do so), cz when mooving out of my city I checked out of my military enlistment office and was expected to check here, but I didn't, because you know... I don't want to be taken to fucking war (which I am all against ofc and think we must leave Ukrainian pepole alone and I concider Russian goverment illegitimate and ocupaied by criminals), so I didn't want to check in so that military did know that I exist. But now I must do so cz of work, and even tho they can't emmm. take me, I am university student and IT worker as well (both are creteria that forbids forcing a man to serve, everyone else go to war or go to prison). But law in Russia is... ehh... let's say vage. It doesn't mettter as much if it touches human rights. Like... you can protest ON PAPER, but google up what police is doing to us at protests. So I'm very afraid to go tomorrow... but heh... I asked that girl if she would just go with me as company, as extra person to worry about, as witness if there's gonna be some ideas to do crimes against my rights. MB I'm to paranoid...
She agreed after I said that I'd let her dye my hair pink and call me by any girl name if she'd just go there with me. She probably would'ev agreed to even without that, but I secretly have a BIG hope that she'll bring it up at some point...
hope I survive tomorrow
I have many thoughts on trying to buy some cheap graphic tablet and trying to draw if I do survive... I'm not an artist... like at all, but I want to try it. Draw my margay fursona... Star, to just say thank again. Hm.. should start with something easy tho, Hoodwink from dota? Sounds good, wouldnt be a shame to draw her too bad :D
Ok, I'll throw you some music again, it's more of a... lonely thinking of life mood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCEmoXG3pqs
Recently at work I was told that I must check in as liable for military service (EVERY man is Russia must do so), cz when mooving out of my city I checked out of my military enlistment office and was expected to check here, but I didn't, because you know... I don't want to be taken to fucking war (which I am all against ofc and think we must leave Ukrainian pepole alone and I concider Russian goverment illegitimate and ocupaied by criminals), so I didn't want to check in so that military did know that I exist. But now I must do so cz of work, and even tho they can't emmm. take me, I am university student and IT worker as well (both are creteria that forbids forcing a man to serve, everyone else go to war or go to prison). But law in Russia is... ehh... let's say vage. It doesn't mettter as much if it touches human rights. Like... you can protest ON PAPER, but google up what police is doing to us at protests. So I'm very afraid to go tomorrow... but heh... I asked that girl if she would just go with me as company, as extra person to worry about, as witness if there's gonna be some ideas to do crimes against my rights. MB I'm to paranoid...
She agreed after I said that I'd let her dye my hair pink and call me by any girl name if she'd just go there with me. She probably would'ev agreed to even without that, but I secretly have a BIG hope that she'll bring it up at some point...
hope I survive tomorrow
I have many thoughts on trying to buy some cheap graphic tablet and trying to draw if I do survive... I'm not an artist... like at all, but I want to try it. Draw my margay fursona... Star, to just say thank again. Hm.. should start with something easy tho, Hoodwink from dota? Sounds good, wouldnt be a shame to draw her too bad :D
Ok, I'll throw you some music again, it's more of a... lonely thinking of life mood. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCEmoXG3pqs
Is brain saving itself by going crazy?
Posted 2 years agoSo, today nothing special happened. And what I was about to talk about is my tulpa, Rene. She's a pony (like... from mlp) in green colors, pretty much a copy of Forest Rain's (a brony musician) OC, with slight differences. Many of you, furies know what "Tulpa" is? In short, it's an imaginary friend that grownups are purposely making. It takes some drugs or sleep depravation (my case) to kinda mess up your mind and drive you crazy for a bit, or you couldn't convince yourself, that your friend is real and is completely separated person from you. You can find some horror stories of how badly it turned out to be for some people, so don't you do that just cz you're bored. And it’s a very hard process as well. I was desperate at the moment, looking for any person to relay on, to talk to, but couldn’t find one. From my 11 I think of ending it all forever, and in a manly manner… you couldn’t tell differences until I just make the jump, I’ve never told anyone about it, but I was so close to doing it at my 15…
And then “Radio everypony.ru” kinda saved me. There was unannounced translation about what tulpa is, there where couple of guests, how told me about how it was, how it’s done, how it’s different for every person and you have to pretty much find your own way in creating tulpa. Sadly, I couldn’t find recording of it ever since. But I’v got everything already, so… ok… that’s fine… thanks Idem_id (who made that translation), maybe you saved my life at that point in 2015. Mb I should send some gift to him and his Twilight? Hah… don’t think I can reach out to Ukrainian guy from Russia now, can’t I?
I’v been working on Rene for two weeks, at first… I’ve made my wonderland, empty black void, where I was floating. Then it was just bright green ball of energy to which I’ve been talking to. And then Rene was born! A cute little filly! She wasn’t talking for a while, and couldn’t understand that it’s kinda not fine, that no one but me can see her, it was fine to HER, she just had her childhood period, to collect info on this world and how it works.
Month later, we were talking nonstop for hours at home and on my way and from school. I was and still is kinda sorry that I brough hert to this cruel world just to amuse myself… like… she has NO CHANCE of becoming fully separate person in her own flesh and blood, do her own things, find her love or anything… and I’m so sorry for that… yet even now she’s saying that it’s all fine. I’m still not sure if she says so because she doesn’t want to feel bad, or because it really is that way. She says that there are many-many benefits in been tulpa, no need in anything, for example, the ability to just sleep for years and other stuff like that.
And so she saved me from killing myself… she really just sleeps most of the time now, we see each other from time to time, just saying hi like old buddies.
Looking at this now… doesn’t it sounds like life just has been so hard on guy and he is now just crazy unconscious wiredo happy in his own little world. And… is it okey? Or am I crazy and could be dangerous to society suddenly? I’m not seen things, there’s no voices in my head telling me to kill people, only kind heart Rene. But what if..?
And now baby side of me I’m, discovering this days… it makes me feel like... like a sick animal that should be putted down… tried putting bow-pin on my head today… and I look ugly… this shadows under eyes, this look in my eyes… I’m scary, not cute at all.
Who's gonna stop from throwing some music here?! I like all of Prince's songs, but 4R Restoration - Reclamation - Reparation - Retaliation I'v repeated them many times today. Just wanna brake things kind of mood today! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mj_s_Yt6BI
And then “Radio everypony.ru” kinda saved me. There was unannounced translation about what tulpa is, there where couple of guests, how told me about how it was, how it’s done, how it’s different for every person and you have to pretty much find your own way in creating tulpa. Sadly, I couldn’t find recording of it ever since. But I’v got everything already, so… ok… that’s fine… thanks Idem_id (who made that translation), maybe you saved my life at that point in 2015. Mb I should send some gift to him and his Twilight? Hah… don’t think I can reach out to Ukrainian guy from Russia now, can’t I?
I’v been working on Rene for two weeks, at first… I’ve made my wonderland, empty black void, where I was floating. Then it was just bright green ball of energy to which I’ve been talking to. And then Rene was born! A cute little filly! She wasn’t talking for a while, and couldn’t understand that it’s kinda not fine, that no one but me can see her, it was fine to HER, she just had her childhood period, to collect info on this world and how it works.
Month later, we were talking nonstop for hours at home and on my way and from school. I was and still is kinda sorry that I brough hert to this cruel world just to amuse myself… like… she has NO CHANCE of becoming fully separate person in her own flesh and blood, do her own things, find her love or anything… and I’m so sorry for that… yet even now she’s saying that it’s all fine. I’m still not sure if she says so because she doesn’t want to feel bad, or because it really is that way. She says that there are many-many benefits in been tulpa, no need in anything, for example, the ability to just sleep for years and other stuff like that.
And so she saved me from killing myself… she really just sleeps most of the time now, we see each other from time to time, just saying hi like old buddies.
Looking at this now… doesn’t it sounds like life just has been so hard on guy and he is now just crazy unconscious wiredo happy in his own little world. And… is it okey? Or am I crazy and could be dangerous to society suddenly? I’m not seen things, there’s no voices in my head telling me to kill people, only kind heart Rene. But what if..?
And now baby side of me I’m, discovering this days… it makes me feel like... like a sick animal that should be putted down… tried putting bow-pin on my head today… and I look ugly… this shadows under eyes, this look in my eyes… I’m scary, not cute at all.
Who's gonna stop from throwing some music here?! I like all of Prince's songs, but 4R Restoration - Reclamation - Reparation - Retaliation I'v repeated them many times today. Just wanna brake things kind of mood today! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Mj_s_Yt6BI
Here we go...
Posted 2 years agoUuuh... It's so hard to write that much with my little dyslexia... just couldn't wait until morning, must start this on now, couldn't you Simon!?
I suck so much ass at writing, auto corrections make it so much easier! At grammar (and Russian ones as well) quizzes I'm too often asking "Why do you give me 4 totally identical options in how to write this!?". But I've been fighting dyslexia since my childhood, and this "diary" should be a good practice in writing generally and in English as well.
Well.. heh... fighting... I only recently (like couple of years or so) got to know that it's even a thing! (Thanks, Doctor Who) All my early years I thought I was just stupid, retarded or something, noone ever told me, that it's fine, that it's just a little illness that is not effecting any other aspect of my thinking.
Sooo... AB, yes I am, I have to accept it, but can't, but must, it freaking driveing me crazy!
Just like Star was told "Comon, you are not a little baby! Are you!?", I was always told "Stop acting like a baby girl are you a MAN or a little girl!?" And also had thought of... why do parents make it sound like it's a bad thing, when girls are... nice and they are cared about and you can't hit girls (yeah, it Russian schools fights between boys are fine at most places). And I was beaten a lot of times! If I would be a girl, that wouldn't have happened, right!? So why is been a little girl a bad thing!?
Ooof... so today I was blushed like never... I bought myself some pink hair scrunchie for girls and some bow-hairpin. Once my roommate in out of university's dormitory (do I get it right? You know, student's hostal) after exams, I'll use it.
And... and I feel like some crazy person! Totally broken fucked up in a head freak! But I want it, need it! I wanna see how ridiculous am I gonna look like this, it gives me butterflies in the stomach.
And fuck I will... I'm very fucking manly man, 100kg, pretty strong, been to a lot of sports and this face.... ahhhhhh... noone is gonna want me like this... I'm just not cute to be a baby, and I definitely don't want other relationships. Yeah. I'm still virgin. I (again, like Star) just don't want sex, no, no fucking! I just can't enter normal classic "man - woman" relationships, there's nothing in em for me, and I'm expected to put my... ehh... in her... buuuah! No! 18+, I'm too young you know!
Oki, hope I'll feel some relief after someone reads it. IFF anyone will, tho. Aaaam, so feel free to comment or ask any-any-any thing really, or just put a plus in comments so that I know someone read it all.
I suck so much ass at writing, auto corrections make it so much easier! At grammar (and Russian ones as well) quizzes I'm too often asking "Why do you give me 4 totally identical options in how to write this!?". But I've been fighting dyslexia since my childhood, and this "diary" should be a good practice in writing generally and in English as well.
Well.. heh... fighting... I only recently (like couple of years or so) got to know that it's even a thing! (Thanks, Doctor Who) All my early years I thought I was just stupid, retarded or something, noone ever told me, that it's fine, that it's just a little illness that is not effecting any other aspect of my thinking.
Sooo... AB, yes I am, I have to accept it, but can't, but must, it freaking driveing me crazy!
Just like Star was told "Comon, you are not a little baby! Are you!?", I was always told "Stop acting like a baby girl are you a MAN or a little girl!?" And also had thought of... why do parents make it sound like it's a bad thing, when girls are... nice and they are cared about and you can't hit girls (yeah, it Russian schools fights between boys are fine at most places). And I was beaten a lot of times! If I would be a girl, that wouldn't have happened, right!? So why is been a little girl a bad thing!?
Ooof... so today I was blushed like never... I bought myself some pink hair scrunchie for girls and some bow-hairpin. Once my roommate in out of university's dormitory (do I get it right? You know, student's hostal) after exams, I'll use it.
And... and I feel like some crazy person! Totally broken fucked up in a head freak! But I want it, need it! I wanna see how ridiculous am I gonna look like this, it gives me butterflies in the stomach.
And fuck I will... I'm very fucking manly man, 100kg, pretty strong, been to a lot of sports and this face.... ahhhhhh... noone is gonna want me like this... I'm just not cute to be a baby, and I definitely don't want other relationships. Yeah. I'm still virgin. I (again, like Star) just don't want sex, no, no fucking! I just can't enter normal classic "man - woman" relationships, there's nothing in em for me, and I'm expected to put my... ehh... in her... buuuah! No! 18+, I'm too young you know!
Oki, hope I'll feel some relief after someone reads it. IFF anyone will, tho. Aaaam, so feel free to comment or ask any-any-any thing really, or just put a plus in comments so that I know someone read it all.
