anyone else getting more lucid than normal dreams as of late? Several people I know have been, no one is wanting to discuss it however so ?

That is all. :3

On occasion, I don't know what i'm trying to find...but I know I will find it and if I don't so long as those I cherish are alive and well then I'm motivated enough to press onward. Of course, the motivation to do such should be there regardless I know but it still helps me considerably seeing those I care for smile. Whatever happens I will continue forward, no looking back to the past, whatever happened is gone.

If I don't find you, then at least I can rest peacefully knowing you are safe out there. :)

As I mentioned before, my werewolf form was named Laukr, influenced from Norse tradition. So here is a song that also served as inspiration for the name, by one of my favorite bands, Wardruna.



and heres a live version

Things are getting better slowly...still not the best but we will see where things go

No matter where life takes you, up, down, left right ,hell, heaven, void, or to light, you have to keep going...when all else fails even when you feel the bitter venom of fear, pain, and loss, you have to wish those you love the best and just move on. There is no way of knowing when or if you will return and see or even speak to some people again but that is all just up in the air and a distraction from the journey unfolding in the center of your heart. These words will likely not even see the light of day in the eyes of some but I'm sending them out as they are what I needed to hear as i'm suffering with the possibility that I fucked something up (possibly beyond repair but I dont know). These experiences, happen but the thing is guys, even if you feel like you fucked up as I feel right now, the best you can do is just ...rest calm.





Later FA, if i'm needed i'll be in skype, peace.

I was going through a fair bit lately still am to be perfectly honest but I have a close knit group of friends helping me through it slowly but surely, more on this later but good news is that i'll get through this bs

unless i'm already actively sending you notes...please dont talk to me right now.....

Depression came and went as per usual. There were some stressful things that went down for sure at this convention but despite that I was able to spend some extra time with good friends in Oklahoma City afterwords at the very least.

I was able to see quite a few familiar faces and meet and befriend some newer ones as well which is always pretty worthwhile. Thats the biggest update I can give for now, more later.

Ready or not here I come.

Going to be away for about 5 days guys<3 love you all, more on this later! :D

I'm really not active anymore, at all

sorry guys , i'm really not sure what i'll be doing here indefinitely, yeah i've said update this update that, and i'm always stating how i'll have more on my page but really i'm just fuckin tired of it all.

Rest assured, i'm not leaving FA, by any means, no, i'd never do that, i'm just dealing with a lot in my personal life, things I have to tend to in the near future come first. I will still try and talk here from time to time, and I do regularly check notes and do reply to those readily, that will NOT change.

As for actually uploading things though? Well when I have the rest of my personal discography recovered and organized that will be posted , I will follow up with that by posting artwork i've gotten over the past year or so that has yet to have been put up (including art of a fun monkey fursona i've had for some time named Uraeus =3). Aside from all that though? I'm really trying to feel a lot and its not going anywhere for future works so i'm going to attempt to get all my work up eventually but I won't be creating anything new music wise indefinitely until i'm feeling a bit better on a personal and creative level.

I'm sure there will be things I create; hell I might even still get commissions later on but for the near future don't expect any new music beyond what i've already created and once I get all that uploaded my presence here will likely be mostly gone aside from checking and replying to notes.

Since February, there's been a handful of things that have come and gone and i've become a distant stranger to some people it seems and for now I feel that is maybe for the best; to those of you who know me, yes I do still use skype when i'm able to, that will not change either but don't go expecting me to talk to you much here unless i'm already actively talking to you in notes. If you're new to my page, best bet is add me on skype and let me know who,what,where,why you decided to contact me.

More on this soon, if any of it seems cryptic I do apologize, its like almost 2:30am here and i'm doing my damn best to try and not be tired.

later guys

Since i'm part of the as well I know some people have wondered how we've all been fairing here in light of the crazy arse weather lately.

I'm alright personally and as far as I know every other OK fur is as well; around this time every year the weather decides to sorta flip its shit and really its nothing we aren't all use to in this area. Yeah I know to some of you tornados are like unheard of in your location but I should be alright lol.

As for other things going on I'm still sort of in a rut creatively and haven't been working or even uploading anything from lack of drive to do so. I really want to work on creative things here but i've been really caught up in a few things in my own head and being an emotional support for people going through some rough junk lately (hence also lack of so much activity on skype x.x it just gets so overwhelming! but you guys who matter to me know who you are and know you hold a spot in my heart so dont think I dont still wanna talk!)

All things will sort out, I do know that much. Anyway that is all for this quick ramble update atm and more on this later.

song is 'Romanticide' by Nightwish, one of many rockin' songs stuck in my head lately

Godlove and rest my soul
With this sundown neverending
The feel is gone yet you ain't gonna see me fail
I am the decadence of your world
I am an eider covered in oil
Happy hunting, you double-faced carnivore

Tell me why
No heart to cry
Hang me high

The music is dead, the amen is said
The kiss of faith is what I beg
A loving heart 'n soul for sale

Tell me why...

Leave me be
And cease to tell me how to feel
To grieve, to shield myself from evil
Leave me be
Od of lies is killing me
Romanticide
Till love do me part

See me ruined by my own creations

Leave me be...

Dead Boy's alive but without sense
I need a near-death experience
Heart once bold
Now turned to stone
Perfection my messenger from hell

Wine turns to water
Campfires freeze, loveletters burn
Romance is lost
Lord, let me be wrong in this pain

Temporary pain, eternal shame
To take part in this devil's chess game
Spit on me, let go, get rid of me
And try to survive your stupidity

Yeah there have been people i've hurt and who have hurt me, but you know what? everyone can move forward, everyone. Time to move onto better and happier things, this song always helps me remember to do that. Also to ALL my friends, and other close peeps I have been busy with a fair bit so please be patient with me <3 i'll get back to talking more here and on skype in good time!~




But in the end
I failed in so many plans
Wanted to be sure
I care and I want some more
Little things in life
And some pleasures that I was denied
I feel satisfied
That I left all my past behind

Peace guys

Additional quick update: I have since talked to the person since this post was written however my stance on these things has not changed as a result I will be leaving this journal in place. However, to be fair to who this is in regards to, I still hope they can continue to be happy in their own life and I do hope the best for them. Keep in mind however that much of what I have written in the following post was venting and so there won't really be many filters for those sensitive to hearing frustrating babble. I believe also that this post is able to really give some insight into how I view certain things and what people should keep in mind when talking to me in regards to what I deem acceptable and due to that alone i'm keeping this post on site.

---

So there's someone I know, I will not say who it is but let us say it is someone I trusted with many things and at one point even attempted to try having more with said person although very briefly last year as the decision at one point to even try to 'date' was rushed at the time. I do not like to rush into things with people I haven't event met in person and in this case I basically was trying out a long distance relationship with someone I really and I mean really really did not know longer than maybe a couple of months at best. You see I swore to myself that if I got into a relationship with someone even if only knowing them briefly i'd NEVER do so unless I at least met them in person first before dating them. This person stayed attached to me after several instances where they showed me just how immature they can be as well as imbalanced. I don't like to even state these things as I really don't hold grudges against anyone its pretty near impossible for me as i'm typically a very giving and as compassionate of a person as possible (which is also how I get extra sensitive to people being jerks I suppose).

How about I reword this a bit and just state that this guy basically had the idea that I could just up and choose him because he was devoted to me and yet at the same time had many instances where they flipped their shit and lost control of their emotions and kept doing things which typically would push people away. He also seemed to think that any anger towards me or my friends or anyone who I might be interested in was NOT a factor in me not choosing them as a boyfriend again. Yeah that makes a lot of sense, why the hell would I choose someone who cannot even truly be happy for me or even love themselves. I can admit when I fall for someone I fall HARD and I really will try and devote myself to the happiness of that person (within reason) in what ways I can. You see if you love someone you are typically capable of respecting the wishes of the said person who is your love interest. IF you cannot respect someone else's decision which makes them happy then you truly don't care about the person at all but something perhaps more artificial that you have fixed a label upon based on what keeps you comfortable in some degree that relies on that other person who doesn't even feel the same way about you.

Jealousy happens, its part of the human experience alright? Accept it. I get jealous easily at times too and sometimes a helpful nudge is all I need to show that I still matter; this might resonate to many people but when jealousy turns into name calling and fits of rage that demand attention at the cost of happiness well there's definitely a major problem.

The thing is, with myself personally, yeah I have someone I feel drawn to and who I love dearly but if they chose another or were already spoken for I would ALWAYS respect their wishes! Why? Because I fucking love everything about them and only want them to be happy! Its that simple folks. Now this guy who I'm not going to mention who has attempted to always stay on my good side and stay attached to me has kind of been dragging me into several fits of emotional turmoil that I really don't need in my life. I hate to exclude anyone from my life for any reason and even moreso given I told this particular person i'd never abandon their company so long as they were respectful of the person I'm in love with. You see at first they freaked out on me but then apologized and continued to say they were happy for me having feelings for someone to that degree; nothing wrong in visible sight yet...

UNTIL...lo and behold randomly out of nowhere one evening they just tell me that they are 'tired of this shit' and tell me to just stop talking to them entirely and to have a good life so i'm kinda like thinking 'OKAY SEE YA!!! =D'

I dont have to do a damn thing for anyone who disrespects my loved ones in ANY form. Whether its a friend, family member, mate, or potential love interest i'm sorry you just don't give me or those loved ones shit cause you're upset. If you have a problem with something you keep it between me and yourself and the moment you bring other people into the mix you will see me bare my claws and fangs and I will have no remorse if I rip into you deeper than a starving werewolf does a 14oz steak from Outback Steakhouse.

I'm ready to be happy in my life and moving onward to better things at the pace i'm able to do so. Yeah i'm still technically single but so what? Someone has my heart regardless so i'm going to obviously be less inclined to do certain things such as sexual rp especially with people who are selfish, hateful, and downright IMMATURE. Also I really do not like anyone idolizing me which is exactly what this guy did towards me and treated me like a 'god' and as flattering as that is DONT DO THAT. Truth be told my life also is far from perfect and i'm talking like there are some major things in my life I still haven't managed to get taken care of (such as getting a car and how I dropped out of highschool to escape an abusive family situation years ago). You see being a teenager and moving out for me was an entirely forced push into a new world and some of the people I spent my life around, while they were sweet and did their best to help me, still had situations which gave me stress and trouble I really had to learn to deal with as an adult before I got to really finish being a teen. As a result my life is still now kind of drifting along an unknown river but i'm now confident and trying to be the captain of my own ship to make things better for myself and those around me so I can work towards several creative endeavors involving movies and music.

My life as I said is far from perfect and I don't see how some people revere me as some kind of god or someone who is just trying to get attention when I have had to deal with so much shit from day 1. Even with all these trials I accept my faults, I know i'm not perfect and I know life is a rough thing to exist within but i'm not going to give up. If someone else loves me and I dont feel the same for them then the best I can give is my friendship but I expect that person to be capable of respecting those people who make me happy in a more intimate sense as well. Even if I'm not mated to someone that doesn't give you the right to just denounce my desire to persue something with them or even denounce my feelings for someone even if nothing happens between us! True passion and respect (in my personal opinion) is about just SEEING and more importantly FEELING the other person and that is it! All labels vanish and all material things mean nothing when you are just feeling your heartbeat and someone else's at the same time.

This is all I really wanted to say especially considering I know somehow some way the person who chose to act incorrectly towards myself and the person I have feelings for will find a way to see my page again and when he does I want to make damn sure a point gets across with this post.

With respect to the person who i've blocked from contacting me in any way I will state only that I hope he can find happiness in himself and someone else that can resonate with him enough that he can be happily mated to them but that person is not me and it never will be. It hurts me, it literally and truly hurts me that someone can ache and be suffering enough over me that they actually get angry about it but I have to take a stand in regards to this situation. I'm sorry to have to break someones heart but its a necessary process in making sure that how things have to be is out in the open. Along with that if all of this can be accepted by both sides thats a good means of being a mature adult who is capable of doing things for themselves. I must move into a direction that supports me creatively and professional so I will cut ties if i'm threatened to do so for the benefit of myself and whoever manages to fully choose to hold my heart in their own. IF the said person I mentioned here in this journal can remain respectful to myself and those I hold dear they are more than welcome to stay in touch with me but I really want to be shown they can hold their own and be peaceful in regards to these conditions.

As of now someone does hold the attention of my heart and whatever they decide in regards to this situation one thing will stay constant in that I wish only the best for anyone and everyone out there.

MUSIC UPDATE:

As far as other things go in regards to my personal work I'm slowly but surely getting back into a creative flow musically. Sadly some of my songs I found out might have been lost permanently due to issues with a drive here at home which potentially fried while I was away for TFF 2015. I found out also that my entire musical discography in original quality without compression WAS in fact on a backup drive (thank fuck) there are still a few songs here and there that might be gone for good which still saddens me as they were never released anywhere at any point but I have enough of my work saved online and other backup drives that I can get at least a good 90% of my work put up here.

I will give more updates on my life as things come to me and I hope this post wasn't overdone as It was a bit of a rant too after all. Take care guys and thank you to anyone who was patient enough to read every word written here, stay awesome , more from me later. :)

It was a wonderful con, spent some time with a few friends and while I didn't get to stay nearly as long as I had hoped what time I had was still worthwhile. I mostly spent my time wandering around in a silver and black lion suit that belongs to a good friend of mine but it was my first fursuiting experience and I wanted to get a feel for every little thing to expect! I spent the rest of my time getting to know a few people in person rather than just online for a change which was indeed an interesting thing as is to be expected.

I met and watched the performances of the wonderfully talented as well as received a copy of his 'Come Find Me' CD recorded at Abbey Road and I HIGHLY recommend any of you out there to at least check it out sometime. Fox Amoore and Bandthro were spectactular; also the comedic and awesome and did a 'Songs you Love to Hate' show which was easily one of the best moments of the entire con simply due to how much fun and laughs everyone seemed to have. :)

I was able to meet and talk with and told her how much the performance between her and fox amoore of a newer song called 'Come Chase the Moon' really lifted my spirits.

I must say I was EXTREMELY nervous meeting a few of these more well known furries given i'm just a dirty little lab rat squeaking and skittering about most of the time but I overcame most of that fear to communicate with those who inspire me musically with their passion.

I really wish I had more time to talk with Fox and while some of our talk was short and sweet it was definitely more than enough to make me want to see him perform again. Everyone seemed to be on a rather busy schedule with this event; even for myself this is probably one of the most rushed fur cons i've been to given how often I was needed to try and check on a few things or meet up with people. In spite of that rushed business I found the con very much worthwhile with what I was able to accomplish.

I will also state that I'll be doing a more in depth video report of my experience and a special secondary video for a few certain people who made my TFF experience absolutely awesome. =3

See here

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15844627/

Yep...riding with a few people this Friday morning but I will NOT be around to check FA or chat starting tomorrow. If I do get any time here it'll just be to check notes but I will not be able to talk much at all on skype, yahoo, etc.

IF you wanna say hey to me just note me here or something and i'll see about meeting up with ya if I have time.

Looking forward to a wonderful show featuring and their shows are Friday and Saturday night if I recall correctly so be sure to check 'em out if you go! :D

I will be taking what pictures and video I'm able during this event; will share in due time anyway that's all from me for now. I'll be more talkative after about a week! Later guys! :)

Ask me.... Anything

Where are you staying?
Possibly at the main hotel if i can find someone willing to have me stay with them, otherwise i'm staying at a different hotel

What day are you getting there?
19th till 22nd or 23rd

How are you traveling?
with friends

Who will you be rooming with?
still figuring that out x3

How is the best way to find you?
message me in skype if you have it, if not i'll add you x3 if you really wanna hang note me here and i'll be sure to get back to you

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Werewolf and other fun games and i'm sure several other events

What do you look like?
check my scraps section :P there are pics of me

Will you be suiting?
Possible partial fursuiting, full fursuiting if I borrow one of my friends lion suits

Do you do free art?
I do free music themes for people x3

Do you do trades?
not yet

Do you do badges?
no

What is your gender?
Male

How tall are you?
like 6'0?

Can I talk to you?
Suuuuure. No really you can just realize I might be busy x3

Can I touch you?
hugs yes, bad touches are a no unless I state otherwise, even if I know you, please dont grope me in public x3

Can I visit your room?
If I have time and figure out who i'm staying with sure

Can I buy you drinks?
yes please

Can I give you stuff?
you dont have to but if you're going to do so let me know first so i can plan where to put all of it x3

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
that can depend...hugs are always welcome for everyone no matter what! Snuggles are more...mutual for me x3 I'd like to know someone else pretty well first x3 in some instances i'll cuddle whoever though

Are you nice?
I do my best to be but i'm brutal to those who upset or harm my loved ones

Do you have an artist table?
nah lol

Will you be going to parties?
hopefully =3 no definitely ;3

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Yelll my name I suppose, Noctis x3 it might take 2 to 4 times if I dont recognize your voice right away. Or just come say hi to me and give your name and stuff =3

What/where will you be eating?
no idea yet that will come later =3

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
mmmm possibly :P I do like my alone time too, nothing against anyone else who's really wanting to meet me or something I just get overwhelmed easily but usually I handle well socially just give me peaceful alone time every so often x3

Can I look in your sketchbook?
if i bring one then sure just ask first

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
possibly yeah

Can I take your picture?
sure x3

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
to make it as fun as possible for myself and those that matter to me and see many new faces and other more familiar ones. Above all else my biggest goal is to make some real creative magick happen ;) and see what kind of wonderful things everyone attending this con can co-create <3

Bring it bitches

it feels like the inside of your arm is being eaten alive by gut renching pain.

I slept wrong I guess and woke up feeling bad enough pain I thought i'd puke; couldn't sit still , toes curling (in agony), breathing heavier than a lolcat, and my mind begging for it all to just STOP.

I'm forcing myself to even type this now while my arm feels like I should just chop it off and be done with it.

Slowly but surely the pain is fading...but if you've ever pulled a muscle, tendon, etc. From sleeping wrong you know damn well this type of junk can last at least a couple of hours before your body gets its shit together so you stop whining like a bitch like i'm doing right now.


Also...Sexy Sunday...ask me TMI questions of a more sexual nature if you want; i'm bored. Doesn't have to be sex, could just be stuff more out there than the norm.

I've been in a rough situation like this before...and while I don't know this person hardly or their friends I know what its like to have no money and be on the streets...so if you want a commission at a fair price check this person out asap:

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6446260/

commission info and examples:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15564078/

Now that I have your friggen attention =3 see details here please.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6442093/

examples of badge quality:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15548938

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/15549005/

...since I never do these on Tuesday....ask me something for today and I will reply when I get the chance :P

Ask away you fuzzbuckets