Please.

My Uncle passed away around 4:30pm central today after a lengthy battle with cancer. He was an amazing human being and, before the chemo, a real-bearded Santa Claus.

I feel bad but I'm mostly just happy he's not suffering. This on top of many other things may keep me a bit more quiet than usual.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
100% Sadist
100% Switch
97% Primal (Predator)
96% Non-monogamist
93% Bondage Giver
89% Exhibitionist
88% Dominant
86% Brat Tamer
80% Primal (Prey)
79% Masochist
75% Daddy/Mommy
75% Voyeur
71% Experimentalist
62% Brat
56% Pervert
54% Submissive
50% Degradation Giver
25% Master/Mistress
25% Slave
24% Girl/Boy
16% Bondage Receiver
16% Vanilla
4% All-Rounder
4% Degradation Receiver
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=57590


More stuff involving petplay would round out the survey I think.

Called Santa, from his sleigh.

" MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Replied Jack Skellington, as snow began to fall in halloweentown for the first time ever.

Enjoy the holiday beautiful people.

So my erstwhile housemate has returned temporarily, which is reducing my ability to effectively clean and arrange my work space.

The good news is I'm getting my act together and organizing things to get down to business. I'm making progress. Also, my housemate has somewhere to go, and is moving out in a week or two.

Some money I wasn't expecting came in, so the lights and water are going to stay on a bit longer.

Stay tuned =3

My financial situation is becoming untenable with no end in sight. As such, I am going to open up for commissions as soon as I can update a price sheet, commission guidelines, and terms of service. So be on the lookout for that; if you've been wanting to purchase the use of my appendages to create something, you'll have our chance soon.

Those of you I currently owe work to, I will not be screwing you. That I am opening back up means I'm knuckling down and settling my debts as well. I don't have internet at my house, and while this means my lines of communication are limited to a couple hours a day, this also means I don't have the most significant possible distraction in the way of my productivity. I get things done when I'm unplugged.

I also currently lack access to a functioning scanner at home. I can still locate and use one, and will be doing so.

There will be more details when I have them.

Also, I have lost a LOT of weight you guys. I'm super happy to announce that I weighed in at under three hundred pounds on August 31st, for the first time since 2006. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am.

How are all of you? Doing okay? Interested in throwing money at me for shinies?

There's a lot of other stuff I'm looking at getting into. But rather than announcing in advance, I'm just going to do it and see where it goes. I'm only making this announcement because I want to see if there is any interest. I'm not gonna lie, things aren't anything like they were back in February, but they will get there if I do not act now.

Speaking of that, if you saved my butt back in February, I would really appreciate it if you'd contact me =3

More information as soon as I have it.
Peace!

It's My Biiiiiirthday!
And I turned THIIIIRTY!

*dances around with a glow in the dark hoola hoop*

The internet at my house is currently behind a paywall, which is what happens when you don't give the nice people their money. I'm able to get on for a couple hours on any given day. If you need me for something you probably know someone who has my number.
Day after tomorrow I turn thirty. Challenge Accepted.

On the 23rd, actually... *anticipation intensifies*

" It takes guts to get out of the ruts"- Fortune cookie message

I received this fortune cookie message on Monday, June 23. I went out for Chinese food because when I am suffering, comfort food is one of my coping mechanisms. Jin Jin buffet had the comfort food, and I had spent most of that day feeling like I'd been shot in the chest. I'd learned around midnight that a dear friend of mine had passed. Most who knew him called him Najt, or Panfer.

Partly because of my introversion, and partly because I'm not much of a gamer, he and I had drifted apart some over the last few years. The result of this is that I may remember him in ways that seem inconsistent with his character to others who knew him more closely and more recently. Still this is how I remembered him later that night, in my journal, and how I'm choosing to honor that memory. I hope you'll respect that if you choose to read this; and maybe my way of working through the grief of his passing will give some comfort to others who are missing him as I am. I wrote this letter in my journal, and there's a little clarification in a second entry that I'll also share.

================================================================================
Najt...

I will always remember you.

You only now know how much your being a part of my life has changed it for the better. I wish i could know I had the same impact.

I am sorry I could not see you one more time in this life, but even in this, you have made me a better person.

I love you so much, Little One, and I will honor that memory by always treating myself as you would have wanted.

You would have wanted me to always treasure the fun we had.
I shall.

You would want me to be compassionate and understanding of the circumstances which kept me away from you in body.

I shall.

You would want me to know instead, and remember often, that though I was far away in body, I was ever present in spirit.

I shall.

And you would want me to remember that you were ever in my heart and often on my mind, even though my introversion rarely compelled me to act on it.

This has not changed:
I carry you with me.

You live on in all the ways you made me who I am, and who I will help others to be.

In this way, you will live forever; and not in this way alone, for while everything changes, nothing is ever truly lost.
I may miss your form, but what is greater of you will never be apart from me, and I will honor you by celebrating your life, and bringing more of that thoughtful, quirky, funny and child-like wonder of yours into the world wherever I can.

I will be more playful.

I will take more chances.

I will say "Yes!" as often as I possibly can, and if I say "No", it will be because I choose it, not because of fear or limits someone has placed upon me.

You had a vibrancy, a vivacity that made you be yourself just as hard as you could and damn the consequences. I can think of no better way to remember you than by doing the same.

Thank you so much for grabbing my leash and showing me who I am.

Love,

Nomi <3

================================================================================

Playfulness, and a willingness to be yourself, gives others the space to be more truly themselves; providing the safety needed for their hearts to be open. Najt did this a lot around me.
In remembering him, and to clarify some of my letter, there are some thoughts I want to record and a few specific ways he helped me to be more myself.

He lived with the knowledge that his time was limited. In others this might seem spoiled, but I don't remember him settling for anything less than what he really wanted, not without a fight anyway.

Having undergone this loss, I will be more able to comfort others. This is of extreme importance to me as a person; being able to empathize opens up a whole new dimension for me. I've never lost a friend before; now I know what it is to have a hole torn in my heart that is the exact shape of the life of a loved one. I can feel my paradigm changing. I can feel myself becoming better for it.

He taught me that I am very much like a large, dangerous predator on a leash. Indeed, the first time he met me, I was wearing a leash and a collar, and he took the leash unabashedly and I was immediately his big bad guard-monster. Docile until provoked, and loving of affectionate treatment and displaying affection, filling a supportive and protective role. It's not entirely a kinky thing for me, but I make a good pet and enjoy being told I'm a good boy. I wouldn't know that without him.

He bought me my first e-cig, back when they were still pretty expensive, and if it hadn't been for him I could never have quit smoking. I would never have even wanted to, probably to this day. I still use tobacco products intermittently, usually on occasions of celebration, but my primary source of nicotine is an eGo e-cig, and I have been known to go for months without even using it now, which would have been unthinkable for anyone who knew me when I met him.

As well, he introduced me to a way I can enjoy a certain medicinal herb. Its combustion byproducts cause an allergic reaction in me, making me violently ill. Introducing me to vaporizers solved that problem should I ever opt to partake.

I literally sleep better every night because he introduced me to binaural tones, and music which could lull me into a trance-like sleep. I still sometimes suffer from middle insomnia and parasomnias including drywall-shattering violent outbursts... but these are so much more rare now. I am so grateful for this.

I am more open to my gender-fluid identity because of at least one conversation we had on the subject, as well as a fluctuating orientation. Most of the people I know either don't get it or outright deny these things about me, but Najt never did.

I have a better understanding of Dominance and submission because of him. Indeed, I wouldn't have been all that inclined to explore kink without his having done so, and by direct result of his being willing to explore things I was opened to them.

Also, he taught me I can be braver and more competent than I thought.
I have a long and complex history of traumas, and as a result, medical environments are potentially triggering for me. And yet the last time I was able to see him, I spent all day in a hospital room. I wouldn't have done this for my own mother at the time, but I did it for him. My fight or flight instincts were screaming and clawing the walls the entire time.... but I was able to lock it down so tightly that I don't think he would have known anything if I hadn't causally mentioned it. I even remember giving a nurse a stern talking-to on his behalf, something I wouldn't even do for myself.

So I know I have the capacity to have courage, and smother my inclination to fear, if I love someone enough.

I'll always be thankful for these, and for the many happy memories. I'll always have stories to tell if anyone wants to hear them. Not a lot of them, but good ones. Maybe one day I'll get to know if I had even close to this kind of impact on you.... and maybe one day, when I'm gone, someone will remember me like this.

I lost a good friend this week.

Najt, also known as Panfer, passed away from complications due to cystic fibrosis this past weekend.

I'll have a more personal journal to share soon, but for now, if you knew Najt there will be a memorial service on Saturday, June 28th, at 2:00pm.

The location will be :

Bay Vista Baptist Church
2485 Pass Road
Biloxi, MS 39531

For those wishing to attend, please remember that this is a vanilla setting. Family will be present, so dress and behave respectfully.

In lieu of flowers, a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Association is requested.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5764198/


 meiabeau is down on their luck and needs a place to stay. Contact them if you can help by replying to the journal I've linked here.


https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5764198/

I saw this on  shuigetsu 's journal.

Direct Copypasta begins now:

 jwolfsky is doing $25 high quality sketches

doing 3-4 a day

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12893705/

End Direct Copypasta.

I don't know what else to say. The response has been overwhelming and totally touching. I never expected it. Between my own legwork and people boosting the signal and donating, I was able to take what I needed up to the bank today and arrange for the collections agency to withdraw it from mom's bank account. They won't be bothering us again.

You did it. And I don't even have words for how grateful I am.

Food and utilities might still be a little tight for the next couple of weeks, but I can live with that. I get to keep my home.

Thank you all so much.

Now, since I'm no longer running on anxiety and adrenaline I'm going to go sleep now. Peacefully. For the first time in a while.

I love you all.

[ EDIT ] Comment here or note me if you contributed to making this happen.

[ EDIT ] https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5548130/ You guys, you did it. My home is safe! Thank you all so much for the response in my time of need. I really cannot thank you all enough <3

Okay. I think I've got this. I can still use the help, and I won't take down the call for it until I've put the money in the hands of the people in question. But it looks like I'm gonna make it.

Thank you all so much. This means so much to me. I don't even have the words right now.
Thank you.

[ EDIT ] https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5548130/ You guys, you did it. My home is safe! Thank you all so much for the response in my time of need. I really cannot thank you all enough <3

Short and to the point, I still need another nine hundred dollars by tomorrow (Friday February 28th) in order to save my house. If you can help, let me know. My paypal is na.artisans [at] gmail.com

There might be a badge or some other thank you in it for you if you help.

[ EDIT ] https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5548130/ You guys, you did it. My home is safe! Thank you all so much for the response in my time of need. I really cannot thank you all enough <3

My mom lost her job back in August of last year. By virtue of my having a birthday in that month and one or two extraordinary people ( you know who you are) helping me out, we managed to keep food in the fridge and the lights on. Then September rolled around, and somehow, I still managed to get enough help to do that. Then mom got another job, only to be furloughed for three weeks because of the government shutdown in October.

The upshot of this is that the Mortgage company, in all of that time, wasn't getting their share. Mom explained to them what happened. They didn't listen. She asked them to not automatically withdraw payments from her bank account. They said they would, didn't stop, and blamed it on her for not changing her account preferences online, which no one told her she had to do. So were were shuffled over to another company for some reason I'm still not sure about. They didn't have a correct phone number for mom. All they did was send several vaguely menacing letters. When mom called them about them, they verbally abused her over the phone and told her that the only reason they would hold off on foreclosing that very day was because of her circumstances, since they didn't have any way to warn her. They demanded a back payment of three thousand, five hundred dollars due by February 28th.

We've been trying to raise the money. It's not working. We have one thousand, eight hundred dollars to go.

I'm also sheltering a homeless friend at the moment.

All is not lost. I have good reasons to believe we can make it. But if you can help make it a sure thing instead of a maybe... Please. I am begging you.

I helped build this house. I literally put blood, sweat and tears into it, and it and its acre of land may be the only thing I inherit from my mother when, hopefully many years from now, she passes. It has extreme sentimental value and in practical terms.... it beats a tent in the woods.


tl;dr
I need your help to save the house that Nomi built. I have to send them the money ON the 28th of February, which is this Friday. Please donate, signal boost, whatever you can to help before then. Please.

If you want to donate to me all I know to do is list my paypal, na.artisans[at]gmail.com , or contact me via notes or IMs which I'm going to make sure I have listed.


[EDIT] Someone asked me why I'm not opening for emergency commissions. There are a couple of reasons for that.
1) I actually owe some people some work that they've been waiting... well, a lot longer than I'm really happy with.
2) I am extremely fucked up. I mean that in no uncertain terms, my confidence in my ability to produce work, especially in exchange for money, is basically gone. There are a lot of reasons for this, most of which revolve around semi-crippling mental illness which is only being exacerbated by my current situation. I am learning to manage. I'm slowly getting to a point where I could competently work for people again. I know I'd get a lot more hits if I did that. It wouldn't be fair though, to anyone, for me to start promising out art that god knows would likely take forever to see the light of day for money to save my ass.

 kaenn

Their stuff's pretty cool, go check them out =3

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5127277/ you might even get something out of it.

 kenzu 's suit has been taken from him. Apparently it is known to have been donated to goodwill. Visit his journal for further details.

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5105057/

I'm 29 now!

And... I think I've leveled up.

Because I just came through a gigantic crisis.... and it's made me realize some things.

For one, I've been operating under a bias. You see, I live with a few psychological troubles. I manage my symptoms through meta-cognition; I haven't been supplementing that with anything for a few months now. And I realized something.

Once I was no longer distracted by money vanishing practically by the minute, broken appliances, and a dozen other headaches, all of which have been resolved fairly handily in the last few days, I noticed: "You know, I don't think I've been freaking out about this any more than most people would. This whole time, I've been thinking that having any strong feelings about this situation were coming from my "nuts", but really, I think just about anyone who suddenly lost their primary income with no savings as a safety net, the whole house being an episode of hoarders, the oven, washing machine, and only working toilet breaking in the space of a couple weeks, and having accidentally broken in the front door, would probably freak out at LEAST as much as I did." So I've suddenly been faced with the fact that I'm a whole lot more stable than I thought.

And another couple things came up too.

I've been having some trouble with a friend, and I realized that demanding him to be different from how he is is going about it all wrong. If I behave differently, opting to treat him as better than he behaves, choosing not to be so easily upset, and by refusing to involve myself in his drama.... that might actually improve things with this friend. Not only with him, but with people in general.

Third, I came to a stunning realization. In hindsight, it seems so obvious. This is deep, old wounds. I'm very risk averse, very loss averse, and this is unsurprising because I realized my life experiences have taught me to think of myself as a colossal screw-up. I'm used to believing on a deeply influential level that everything I touch, I break.

But that's a lie.

Because being a little more clever than most, it's true that my failures are somewhat more spectacular. But for every failing, all I lose is time I would have spent anyway; and I gain tremendous amounts of knowledge. I LEARN, and I learn very, very quickly, and very completely. Because I dissect those failures with surgical precision and absolute ruthlessness. When I try again, I almost invariably succeed; in fact I often know within minutes why something didn't work on at least a surface level. There are some things that take me longer to solve; meta-awareness of mental disorder, self therapy, weight loss. But for the most part, when thrown in the water, it only takes struggling to the shore one time before I know how to swim.

I've been much too hard on myself. Now, if I were not, I would not have come to these recognitions. However I believe that there must be a way to retain this level of critical self-examination in a way that is self-compassionate. I feel empowered. I know what to do, really know it. I feel very confident about my situation, and my first intuition is to ruthlessly clutter-bust the common rooms of this house so I have room to tackle the others. I have been beating myself up for not doing anything creatively worthwhile; but surrounded by this kind of chaos, anyone would have trouble doing so.

So, I shall set my house in order. But for now....

*puts on a cone-shaped hat, blows a noisemaker and throws a handful of confetti*

Happy Birthday to Me!

So I have gotten exactly no work done this year with the sole exception of a mural I've been working on, some pieces I sold in the early months of this year, and a large sale I made in I think it was April.

I've managed to post exactly nothing to Etsy.

I've gained back all the weight I lost (and gained and lost) in pretty much perfect tune to my bipolar episodes.

I'm learning a lot about myself. I really think that the intensity of my mental instability lately might actually be a sign that I'm making a lot of internal progress. I'm stirring up old stuff that's been festering undisturbed just under the surface for a long time, and I'm generally very irritable.

One of the things that I've been most upset about is actually a threefold problem of mine.

The first is this: I get these ideas, and I get really convicted about them, like, life change stuff, and I wanna do it, and I start doing it, but because my circumstances aren't really under my direct control and I can only influence them in cooperation with the person who makes sure I can eat and type these things where people can read them, my whole set of goals eventually falls out of the sky like the early American rocket program, failing catastrophically and usually leaving an even shittier situation behind. I had a lot of goals this year that I'm having to make peace with failing to achieve because for the most part, it's too late now. I hate to make myself the victim, I prefer to shoulder the responsibility for my circumstances everywhere I can because that empowers me to change them, but in this case, I keep trusting in others for help that never comes.

Second, I keep being compelled to do things for people other than me, simply because doing what they want will provide me with resources I need, and maybe I'm a little interested in the project too. But the problem is that anything I've gotten out of it (indeed, anything at all I've earned this year) has been sucked up by either survival needs or the kinds of stupid things you buy because when you're poor and suddenly have money, your impulse control, even if it's actually pretty good, tends to go right out the goddamn window. I find myself compromising my integrity for others, and it hasn't yet been worth it as anything but experience.

Third, and this is the result of the other two, my values are changing dramatically and fairly quickly. I find myself thanking the higher power I believe in for the amazing results of the adverse circumstances I've experienced, willing myself to desire what it desires for me, asking to see from a perspective of unity and love instead of isolation and fear. My whole internal paradigm is changing.... and this is presenting some serious social problems for me and I don't know how to deal with them because sometimes I can be gentle and kind and at peace and then the wrong word gets said or the wrong subject broached and immediately I'm holding back this snarling, violent monster inside me that wants to tear into someone.


I'm done holding back in a lot of ways. Lately, when I'm angry, I slam doors, throw things, fucking scream if that's what I feel like because I can either let it out or hold it back and I'm not sure which is worse, only that bruises and scrapes heal, the house needs a laundry list of repairs anyway, people I care about will usually come back to me either because they know I didn't mean it toward them or that I sure as hell did and they need to own the reasons why, and I can get on with my life faster if I just let it out.

Anyway, I owe art to a few people and I can see this situation with me coming to a head before the year's out. If you know me at all you know I prefer to knock stuff out as fast as I can and that any significant delays mean personal problems severe enough to rob me of my creativity and occasionally my agency over my affairs to a great extent.

I think something's gonna give soon and when it does, maybe I'll be able to throw this thing off and get something done.

Not that I haven't been doing anything with my time, mind you.

I've been learning.

My GOD have I been learning.

So, I've gone three rounds with Jose Cuervo and I've also got a little captain in me, along with a glass of wine for a toast with my lovely sister and her charming husband, right before some fireworks. And no, tequila doesn't make my clothes come off... though I can make no promises if there were anyone around worth stripping for.

So I'm in a good and plastered state for this purpose. I haven't been this mellow and intensely focused in a good long while. It reminds me why I used to drink so much.

I'm here of course to talk about New Year's Resolutions. 2012 was, for me, a fucking amazing year. And I know some people who will object to my saying this, because from some perspectives it seemed like I was having a rough time this year. Not gonna lie, I had some serious rough patches. But I made a resolution at the beginning of last year, that 2012 was going to be the best year I ever spent on this planet, whatever it took. And it has been. I bless the year as I leave it behind. It has taught me so much. I don't even know where to begin.

I have learned that I need to embrace myself with integrity and harness all of my faculties. Everything about me, even my faults, are things which deserve a measure of respect. They make me what I am and contribute to my uniqueness, and my uniqueness is my greatest asset.
I have learned that I have depths of strength and resolve I had forgotten. I have recovered invaluable resources.
I have learned that nothing I have ever learned has ever truly been lost, no matter how rusty the skills grow.
I have awakened to power that I once thought utterly lost, but now I have it once more, and tempered by the wisdom its absence has taught me.

So, that resolution worked out well. So well in fact that I'm going for it again. 2013 is gonna be even better, whatever it takes.

This is going to be the best year I have spent on this planet to date.

And to this end, I have some other things I want to try to do. Small moves that I believe will add up.

-First and foremost, there are four daily habits I want to cultivate, and I'm taking a hiatus from my home life in order to do it.

I will make sure I clean myself and my environment everyday, just a little. I'm doing this already here at my sister's place; she needs the help nearly as badly as my mother does.

I will write a little and draw a little every day, and to that end I'm going to be dedicating my tumblr, nominus-expers.tumblr.com, to displaying my sketches and brief musings, the latter of which may be nothing more than captions from whatever book I'm reading at the moment.

I will set aside no less than fifteen minutes per day to get in touch with my center through meditation. I will also spend at least that much time in uninterrupted contemplation or study of practical metaphysics and spirituality.

If I do no other exercise, I will spend several minutes every day stretching my body. I will also be making a hula hoop pretty shortly so maybe I'll go out and dance more often.

Every month this year I will make one sale at minimum. That is one item I have created from talent and skill or culled from among my overabundance of goods sold during every month of this year, at a minimum. I intend to be doing a lot of the work I want to do that I know will also sell, and to stop underselling myself. My work is good and I'm in the process of acquiring some things that will make it all the better.

- I will no longer be compromising my health. 2012 saw the end of my smoking habit. I'm still in a yo-yo relationship with nicotine but I am not habitually consuming tobacco products. I am also referring here to diet and nutritional supplements. Seeing to these is an act of self preservation. If I may be bold, a number of my friends would be dead and buried were it not for me, and I am not honoring the gift I have that made that possible by murdering myself with my own knife and fork and starving myself of the nutrition I need to truly live. I mean to change the way I eat, and I will be smart about it.

-I will be a more responsible steward with my time and money. I will start getting up at the same time every day until it becomes a habit and I will not compromise that time. I will treat money as a means, not as an end, and spend it wisely and with confidence.

- I mean to broaden my social networks in order that doors may open for me that could not otherwise open. I wish to start attending services at a Unity church in Pensacola and I don't really care what anyone thinks about this, because I developed a concept of god and spirituality that is in line with theirs some ten years ago. There is no source other than nature and my own uninhibited divine spark, given its right expression, that so richly feeds my spirit. I have compromised on this long enough.

- And Lastly, I mean to measurably reduce my physical weight in a dramatic way this year. I know from my experience with the Fit n
Furry livejournal group that I can lose about 2.5 pounds of weight every week with diet and exercise. As of today I weigh 347 pounds
including clothes, shoes, and wet hair, keys, wallet, phone, a dollar in pennies nickels and dimes, electronic cigarette and pack, stack of gift cards, pencil, pen, two sharpies, and jewelry.
This will not do, and neither will nebulous health goals. It is true that, ultimately, my objective is to be able to fit into certain clothing sizes and generally be healthier and feel better about my body. That's important to me. But to that end, i propose the
following:

With good portion control and food selection, and 3-4 hours a week of exercise at good intensity, I mean to accomplish the following.

By the end of April, which is beach season, I want to be down to 300 pounds OR fit into 2xl shirts and 50" pants comfortably.
By the end of August, around my birthday, I want to be down to 260 pounds OR fit into 1xl shirts and 42" pants comfortably.
By the end of December, around Christmastime, I want to be down to 235 pounds (my goal weight) OR fit into large shirts and 38" jeans comfortably.

That's about ten pounds a month, two and a half pounds a week, as I've said.

Accomplishing even ONE of these considerable objectives would make my resolution a fact. Accomplishing all of them will make renewing the resolution in 2014 effortless.

"Today I had a conversation with my true self. She asked why I had abandoned her why I had ignored all her constant advice. And then
she reminded me of all the things I had forgotten, and never once did she say, "I told you so." -Monique Duval

I believe that the Divine Source has become me in this body, on this earth, to accomplish certain things. Right now I have so many of them left to do that I will live forever.

Starting right now.

Happy New Year everyone. I know mine is.

So the metaphorical interpretation of the dream is turning out to be accurate, but that's all I can say so far.

Still, I'm going with this explanation as to why we're all still here:

https://zgul-osr1113.deviantart.com.....tmas-344108780

And now, the meme I promised, ganked from  eternalundeath


1. Was 2012 a good year for you? Why?
Hell yes it was. I lost a ton of weight, figured out a huge amount of important shit, and spent more time with my affairs in order than I've spent in years!

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Don't know. It's not over yet.
But I have a bunch of candidates.
February: Seeing VNV nation Live.
March: Discovering Paleo, finding out that the Garden of Life RAW Meal powder comes in tasty chocolate and vanilla!
Midsummer: Kicking the Tumblr addiction and coming out of my wicked funk, discovering Skele-toez shoes as an effective treatment for back pain.
September: Finally purchasing an annual pass to the Florida State Parks. Walking In to the park from outside and hiking all the way to the beach, a two mile trek through blinding sun and ankle-deep sand.
October: Doing a workout that would take me an hour in half the time by actually running, Spending a wonderful weekend with my mate which culminated in an epic air-clearing on the beach at sunset that left us closer to eachother.
November: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 . Realizing that Nicotine withdrawal is no longer of any greater consequence to me than caffiene withdrawal; I truly have kicked the habit. Getting back in touch with someone through synchronicity; I willed them to contact me and they did so.
December: Rediscovering a MASSIVE amount of old abilities in a new and more meaningful context, and exercising them in such a way that my fighting skill is as good as ever it was. Rediscovering two friends in the same way, recognizing that I'm at a high enough "level" to start learning all over again >=3. Having a sparring match with a friend that was previously terrified of me in which that friend actually engaged me seriously and exchanged good blows with me, that was fuckin' amazing. The Furry X-mas 2012 with the tallahassee furs. 12-21-2012, the whole day.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
WHOLE MONTHS of bipolar depression: May, June, November, some of December.
Losing the use of the bathroom on my end of the house >=/
A month of dead laptop.
Critical Dehydration Episode that I thought was gonna kill me.
Realizing I had gained back 15 of the 25 pounds I'd lost during biggest loser.

4. Where were you when 2012 began?
I think I spent New Year's here at mom's house? It's so weird that i don't remember.

5. Who were you with?
I seriously don't remember o.o

6. Where will you be when 2012 ends?
Jacksonville Beach, FL

7. Who will you be with when 2012 ends?
Probably With my Sister, Brother-in-Law, Niece and Nephew, and it'd be awesome if my Dad, Stepmom, and baby sister are going to be down south for New Year's too =3

8. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions of 2012?
Oh hell yes. This has been the best year of my life!

9. Do you have New Year's Resolution(s) for 2013?
The same one all over again, 2013: My Best Year yet, Whatever It Takes.
But some specifics are warranted-
1) Sell something every month.
2) Measurable Weight Goals: I weigh 342 pounds right now, wear 3-4x shirts, and 56" jeans. That's gotta go.
By Spring Break (April)- Weigh 300 Pounds; 50" jeans, 2xl shirts
By Birthday (end of august) Weigh 260-270; 40-44" jeans, 1xl shirts
By Next Christmas, Weigh 230-240 (goal weight); 36-38" jeans, L-1xl shirts
That's around 2.5 pounds a week. I can DO this.
3) Form better habits: Clean, Art, Meditation and Exercise on a daily basis, starting small and building on a good foundation.
4) Budget my time and the household money better.
5) Go Paleo
6) Three dedicated workouts a week.
7) Form new contacts, broaden my social horizons.
8) Figure out some way to start getting around more efficiently.
9) Measure my progress.
10) Unfuck my house.
11) Be myself, just as hard as I can.

10. Did you fall in love in 2012?
All over again.

11. If yes, with who?
My lovely lion, Ari. And others. You know who you are ;3

12. If yes, do they know?
Eeeeyup <3

13. Are you still in love with them?
Definitely.

14. You regret it?
Never.

15. Did you break up with anyone in 2012?
Almost had to cut a friend off completely.

16. Did you make any new friends in 2012?
Like one? o.o

17. Who are your favorite new friends?
That one? o.o

18. What was your favorite month of 2012?
October was fuckin' SWEET.

19. Did you travel outside of your country of residence in 2012?
Nope.

20. How many different states / provinces did you travel to in 2012?
Actually I think I didn't even leave florida but a handfull of times... like I think I went to Alabama a few times.


21. Did you lose anybody close to you in 2012?
No, No I did not.

22. Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yeah... A lot.

23. What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2012?
Avengers Was fantastic but since I only saw like.... TWO movies this year, The more fun experience was, by far, Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 which I saw as a marathon of all the movies back to back.

24. What was your favorite song from 2012?
Never Close Our Eyes, Adam Lambert.

25. What was your favorite record from 2012?
Not counting stuff I discovered this year, Tresspassing from Adam Lambert

26. How many concerts did you see in 2012?
1

27. Did you have a favorite concert in 2012?
VNV Nation, the only one I went to.

28. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2012?
Nope

29. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2012?
Not even.

30. How many people did you sleep with in 2012?
I had naughty fun time with like a total of five people, and slept with one of them.

31. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Quite a bit, yes.

33. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2012?
Other than people failing to keep their word with me at various points?

34. Did you treat somebody badly in 2012?
Yes, and I have been forgiven for it repeatedly.

35. Did somebody treat you badly in 2012?
Quite heinously yes.

36. How much money did you spend in 2012?
Of mine? about... I would guess under 500$ total.

37. What was your proudest moment of 2012?
Go back and look at #2

38. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012?
See #3

39. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2012 and change something, what
would it be?
The black suns would have appeared on Dec. 21st? I dunno, I'm actually really happy with how things are working out.

40. What are your plans for 2013?
Heheheh. See #9

Five years ago, I had a dream about today.

I was in a McDonald's I didn't recognize, with flat screen T.V.s running a couple of news stations on one wall. A McDonald's matching the dream identically has since been built near my house.
My niece, who was a year old at the time of the dream, was six years old, and looks now exactly like she did in my dream. I was with her, and my sister and mother. It was after dark at the time, but as of my writing this it looks like it might not be.
On the news, it looked like there were huge spheres, violet and shining like stars, descending and parking near population centers, typically in bodies of water. They stayed in place for three days, and then left. I remember going to see one and feeling strange about its presence, how visible it was. I could almost hear it whispering or producing oddly musical sound.

And then there was the dream within the dream. While the spheres, the "black suns" as I call them (since they looked like black lights) were parked... Whenever I fell asleep, I could see formulas, techniques, visualized in multiple dimensions. I was being communicated with and educated on some powerful potentials I had, the ability to tap into the 'spirit' of a thing, and the ability to 'correspond' or to ignore distances entirely. When I woke up, for the first time ever, in my dreams, I was able to move without feeling like I was underwater, weighed down and painfully slow and fatigued. I remember meeting with friends close by, going to see the spheres, and as long as they were there I was not the only one having dreams like this. Everyone was, providing they were developed above a certain level in several areas.

After three days, they left. It was like a worldwide awakening was beginning.

I teleported to Carlsbad, New Mexico. The house I saw there, where a close friend lives, turned out to be the garage in back of his actual house first, then the rest of the house. When I finally actually saw it I remember it seeming faintly familiar and yet a little unfamiliar at the same time; I had never seen it before, except in the dream, but the dream was accurate.

I was able to use my abilities to amplify the ones he had found, to draw them out, so to speak. Then we went back to Pensacola, where I live now, only we drove back, doing so in record time. I didn't think I could 'port with all of the stuff he wanted to bring along. On the way back, I convinced friends on the way to follow us, or meet me there. I have a friend with a congenital illness that I cured, but I don't know how. I was collecting individuals who were awakened, and we started a movement toward a Second Renaissance, with global unity and the overcoming of scarcity as a goal. My friend from Carlsbad, a powerful speaker, delivered many speeches and swayed a lot of people to the cause. I remember being in a natural amphitheater with a bonfire and trees on all sides, like one in Rocky Mountain National park in Colorado. I was overcome with pride and with hope.

And then I woke up. I've never forgotten this dream, I think about it all the time.

I don't know what to expect, so I expect nothing. I strongly suspect the dream is simply metaphorical and it wouldn't be the first prescient dream I've had that turned out to be meaningful when interpreted in a non-literal way.

Whatever happens though, even if it's nothing?
I'm very excited to find out <3

Because I do actually have internet again and have for a while n.n;;; sorry!