Yes, I don't know if you heard but...my best friend in the world, my very first BFF, my first furry friend,  vgm22 has passed away on October 13th due to Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have not taken to it well. I haven't posted on here in 9 years. I thought for sure by now people would have heard the news. I went so far as to set up a memorial of sorts at the VRChat world, Furry Family Ofrenda.

VGM's sister, Dawn, hates to ask this but Von's passing left her emotionally, mentally, and financially devastated. She needs help with his cremation, so any donation would help. You can send it to her PayPal. If you could pass this along I would greatly appreciate it.
https://www.paypal.me/Hotpinklover74

Ladies and gentlemen I'm alive but now is not the time. A real close friend of mine or BFF is in need of help. Follow this link here
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6597097/
To get to his journal to learn more about his situation. He is not like most furs. He need donations for food, his family or so they aren't homeless. He'a not like other furs who use donations for con travel, games or other irrelanvent things too. Please anything helps.

Hey guys! I apologize for not posting a new journal stating that Cybeast is alright and doing fine now. I am really sorry for not stating anything a few days ago. I am so happy right now. The money I usually get from the VA came a day early. So now I am gonna be heading off to the Realtor right now to pay the last amount of money I have to pay on my new apartment I am moving into. Still gonna be in RI but now less than 10 minutes away from the college I am going to school right now. Slowly but surely working on my degree. School doesn't start until Oct 6 so fine by me that I do this now rather than later. I am also gonna be offline for a few days. I'm gonna be busy moving in to my new place and helping my roommates move out of the apartment we was sharing. Plus I plan on getting a computer that is waaayyy better than my current crappy one. I am gonna have it built by http://www.ibuypower.com/ so can anyone help me or give me tips on what I should do or be looking for in a cheap yet affordable new Gaming PC that is less the $1,500-1,600? I shall put this all on credit.

Those of you who know  cybeast should spread the word to others who want to know that he is in the hospital right now. He is having problems breathing and is in the ER right now. He text me this message to let others know he is gonna be out of action and unable to be around until he gets a clean bill of health from the hospital.

Hey there folks. I am sure some of you are wondering why I haven't done much on here on FA other than probably commenting on some commissions or journals? Other times faving pics or stories? Yes my life hasn't changed much other than love being a difficult challenge (which BTW anyone who ask for mateship or dating will get a nice big block hammer from me). I wanted to report on the fact I am going to school now. Due to my VA (Veterans Affairs, for those who dont know) benefits the government is gonna pay for a good chunk of my education. Its the reason why I waited so long to write this update journal because I wasnt sure I was gonna be able to go if my VA benefits were not gonna happen in time as I came in pretty late to the school quarter. So starting yesterday I am gonna be doing English 101 (or English I) first thing in the morning, after that its Math 110 (Introduction to College Math), followed by a 2 hr lunch break and ending the school day is Psychology 210 (Human Relations in the Work Place). They are gonna be only Mondays and Wednesday. They are just General Education courses to get out of my way for my degree. No labs or anything tech related this quarter but saving it for upcoming fall quarter. I am gonna be working on video game design. I am not sure yet if I am gonna stick to the programming side or the artistic side thou I am leaning towards the artistic side because I love art. Plus I wouldnt mind doing some commissions here one day if they're good enough. My benefits are even gonna help pay for my rent and bills here as well (to a certain amount depending on my rank). I am gonna keep the search going for a job but only part time. As I dont want a full time job to affect my school time and screw my chance at fully completing something for the first time in my life. Its a long story. Something I shall save for another time. Perhaps when I succeed and graduate. I am happily gaining some weight IRL btw but nothing worth writing home to. Ummmm I can't think of much else...Oh yeah it would help if you guys knew what school I am going to: New England Institute of Technology. Just be aware I am alive, around and gonna put my best effort into school and see where it takes me from there. See ya guys.

There is a fur that needs help. A close fur brother of mine I cherish and wish I could more but want to spread the word. Look the link to his journal and read his previous journals too if you want understand his situation better. I can't donate much to him but perhaps you or someone else can. So please please help out  BigBadBeast and his family as best you can.

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5870919/

Where do I start? So much to go thru. I came to Georgia with a sense of hope. A hope that my life would change for the better as soon as I made the transition from the UK (Where I was previously stationed at) to the USA. I also involved another person in my relationship with  redx to try and make it a 3 way relationship as I made my way to my base to GA....yeah that ended really bad. We are blocking each other and not speaking to each other. I was also damaged goods before I came to the US. I mean emotionally and mentally scarred. Still a bit damaged but functioning well thanks to mate Andy and my furry friends helping me out when I can. Because of bad leadership and bad supervision at the squadron I was stationed at I gave up hope. All hope things were ever gonna be good in the AF. So I lost my job in the AF by the end of Feb. Due to one plan we had for Florida get shot down with low funding we moved onto another plan up north that involves Rhode Island. I am gonna be looking for a new job when I go up to Rhode Island with Andy. We planned this with our 2 future roommates  sasuke and his mate  resdarke who we got to know well and pretty good when we all met at FWA this year. Tomorrow is the last day we are staying at this 3 bedroom house. If you guys are wondering why the sudden change from the warm south to the possibly snowy north its for many reasons. The main ones I will list include me wanting to explore more the country and visit new areas I never been to before. Second, involves the pain, the tears and the hurt I feel so much at that base. It makes me sad and cry when I worked at that base. This is one big reason why I want to get ffaaaarrr away from GA as possible. Oh I also want to have a new fresh start on my life in a new region of the country. What does this mean to all of those who are friends and know me real well or those who planned on talking to me in the future? I am only gonna be available via my iPhone. You guys wont be able to see me here much if at all. I am gonna be careful with my internet data. Unlimited txt and calling on my plan but 2 MB of data. So gonna be wifi or quick notes on FA. I wont be on Skype if at all. I will be shutting off my PC and taking it apart to take with me to the temporary apartment with just me and Andy until June 1st or 2nd. Our actual apartment is not gonna be available until that time as told by the landlord so we are stuck in this studio apartment until then. I should have internet with Sasuke and Res by then as they planned ahead to make this possible. If you guys want my US cell number to contact me let me know. I shall also be on Twitter as well guys. Once the movers come in the morning and take away everything onto the truck to load we drop the keys off at the landlords and say goodbye to GA and hello RI. I promise to keep you guys updated when I can. Wish us luck guys and hope things come out smoothly for the both of us. See ya.

Yes ladies and gentlemen I have much to tell ya. I promise to try and not make it 2-3 paragraphs long. Me and  redx are in the process of moving up north to Rhode Island. Yes we are moving a lot farther than we thought initially. At first it was FL, then AZ and now we have stayed with the plan to go up to RI because our future roommates have done so much to accommodate us and to help us out. It would be rude of us to say no after all the work they put to get us all an apartment to move into. Since my time no longer working in the AF I have gained some weight. I dont weigh myself until the first of every month. On April 1st I was 238. We are specifically moving to Providence. The movers/packers/whatever people call them should arrive on April 30th but gonna ask if they could do it on the following day as I got a resume class I wanna go up to on that day. I want to improve my resume since I am gonna be going into the civilian job life soon once i move up there. After they pack everything up on the following day they come forward to pick up and load the stuff onto their truck to RI. That is the plan anyways. I promise to keep you guys updated on things here. I'll update another journal closer to us moving and explain what plans we got for the future.

Stolen meme from  thedresdenbomber

Where are you staying?
Main Hotel where con is happening

What day are you getting there?
Thursday afternoon

Who will you be rooming with?
 redx,  sasuke and Unknown roommate

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
Anyone who can handle and tolerate a shy fatty wolf.

Will you be suiting?
Yes I will

Do you do free art?
PPPFFFFFTTTTTHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh god that is hilarious.

What is your gender?
Male..wait a sec *checks in my boxers* Yep dick and balls still there

How tall are you?
5' 6" (short wolfy )

Are you taken? Are you looking for a 'mate'?
Yes I am happily taken

Can I talk to you?
You may.

Can I touch you?
Hhhmmm...maybe. >.> Just ask and talk to me first. I hate surprises.

How can I find you?
You can poke me, hug me, text me, tweet me or shout out to me is all fine and dandy with me.

Can I visit your room?
*Shrugs* I dont know.

Can I buy you drinks?
Please do. Me and Andy are kinda being stingy with our money and would appreciate it if you could help with the paying the drinks part.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Yes please. It would make me and Andy feel so much better. We came so we can forget our troubles and worries if but a little while.

Are you nice?
Sure can be but just get on my good side and treat me right is good advice I can give you.

Do you have an artist table?
This is another serious laugh moment right there. Cant draw for shit.

Will you be going to parties?
If people want me there or not scared going cause I am a really shy wolfy here.

Will you be performing?
God no are you kidding me? -_-;

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Waving at me, hugging me or say Hi?

What/where will you be eating?
Various food joints or cheap places when I can.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
I dont know. It depends if you brought your own money. Dont ask me to pay for your shit.

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
I got a sketchbook but with nothing in it. Plus not bringing it either.

Can I take your picture?
Oh yeah of course. I would love that.

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
To have a good time, try and conquer my shyness of talking to others so I can be more social, be fat and getting drunk would be a blast.

Also dont expect me on skype during this entire time on FWA. You can note me and try to chat with me on here but expect delays.

Ladies and gentlemen I have big news for you:

As of 1130 this morning on February 26, 2014 I no longer work for the US Air Force.

Yes that is right folks. I got my separation orders yesterday morning sometime I cant remember. I was pulled out of a separation class early I was trying to take to hopefully prepare myself for the coming separation. Learn what I could in the class and find out anything new that could help me better myself in the future. Unfortunately I only got to stay one day and a few hrs Tuesday. Its a 5 day class. Its a short notice separation so they dont care about you much when that happens. They literally want you out the door either the same day or the next day. Plain and simple. So I am gonna be in the area of Valdosta, GA for about another month as I wait to prepare myself with moving on with my new life as a civilian with me and Andy looking for a new residence down in Sarasota, FL with Arc Wolfster and his mate, Sirius. Dont worry about us too much guys. The AF was kind enough to make the separation honorable which means I get a nice alternate colored ID card with it being good for 2 yrs so I can use the Base Exchange (or BX for short) along with the base Commissary plus 6 months of medical care on a military base after that I am on my own. So gonna be studying, reading and learning all I can about resumes and interviews as well. There are books and resources I can use to help me in this endeavor. Andy on the other hand is gonna be working for a bit as he still has a job.
But you guys are probably thinking who is Andy? What about your finances? How are you guys gonna stay financially stable and alive if only one of you is working a minimum wage job? I shall answer all these for you guys. First,  redx is Andy and he is my boyfriend. Yes I am taken and I plan to keep it this way. I shall explain on a later journal how did this happen after we broke up a few months ago. Second, the air force is gonna be paying me....a LOT of money. I will not say how much nor should you ask me how much. Dont even come to me with your financial issues or mistakes or even stupid plans to try and con me to help you pay for art, games, etc. If you do I will gladly block you. Andy is the brains when it comes to money. We need this money for our future so no more new artwork from me as we need this money to live BUUUTTT we do have money saved to go to FWA and that part WILL happen to make me forget all this drama going on with me. Third and final thing, is our finances. Especially with Andy still having to work. We still need the paycheck and extra tip money he is getting to help us along as we search for a new place and new jobs to start our lives down there.
If I didnt cover all your inquiries please give me a heads up. I am friendly to approach but dont expect my Skype so soon if I just meet you. I wont be on tonight on Skype. You can note me here or wait till tomorrow perhaps. So civilian world here I come...

Yes you read that right. I haven't been loading much on my account because I got so much on my mind right now. I am trying to not end up on the streets but I know that will not happen if me or have anything to say about it. We are planning and working out a way for us plus and his mate to room room together as they too want a place to live in away from family. I looking over benefits and what options are open to me which is a lot as I am leaving honorably. Now some of you are asking why am I being separated exactly? The reason...I couldnt pass my fourth and final PT (Physical Training) test. After a 4th failure the AF must separate me. I honestly thought I would have more time but have been told otherwise. So right now I am out-processing and scrambling for a cheap place that is 2 bedroom/ 1.5-2 bath place. A good cheap place in the Sarasota, FL area so it wont be too far away for Arc and his mate to go to work. Plus I always wanted to try and live in FL. See how it goes from there. I could go back home to CA where my family and mom is where she has an extra room I could stay in but honestly I dont want to. I love CA and all but I want to have my own place away from family so I can gain and do my own things. So I been down as of lately. I am on Skype but honestly this needs to be adressed now. I HATE PPL WHO WANT NOTHING BUT YIFF...
I know this sounds strange from someone who has that Loves Yiff ico... *looks at my userpage and doesnt see it there anymore* think this might a sign of my age or a change in myself but I cant be yiff 24/7 like I use to. I still rp and will do a yiff rp on occasion but that is it. Keyword: ON OCCASION! So only if I am in the mood or not. If I am not in the mood dont push it on me. So my Skype is gonna shrink. Removing those ppl and those I dont talk to anymore or those I feel no real connection to. That arent good friends or my fur family I love dearly. Also one last note: My bad ex.
Those who know who he is great on you. Those who dont know good on you because I wont tell you even if you ask me. I screwed up his life. I am deeply sorry. I am slowly forgiving him. With time of course. The main reason I overracted and destroyed each other was cause of a real scary and bad dream. Yes because I was afraid he would harm me just because of one bad dream I spurned others to attack him and harrass him. So everyone PLLEEASSEEEE let him be. He has suffered enough and going thru hell after all this time as others are hurting him.

So laters ya'll.

Yesterday was my birthday. So tired so all I wanted to say. Night. *Flops on your bed and snores as nothing pulls me away*

Yeah I know this is very late and very sudden. Out of the blue even. I have my reasons. The big reason being that I like to keep things to myself. Its been a natural habit of mine for years. I am very scared right now guys. Actually more like terrified. Its on my mind every single day. Almost every hour, minute. second...etc etc etc. I think you guys get the idea. This decision has haunted me for a long while: Do I stay or do I go in the Air Force? So after many years of thinking, after talking to many good friends and family I have come to a major decision on this issue: I will quit from the Air Force when I can. I shall not reenlist into the AF when my contract, to be reinstated to active duty, comes out on my 5 year mark on June 9th.

Which I shall point out several ways for me to get out. I want to point out to those who do not know this but due to my government (the USA'S) budget cuts they want the AF to drop 25,000 airmen from active duty and make them separate/retire earlier then they originally planned out. So they are doing this by either volunteering to separate/retire as early as Sept. 29th of this year or they go before a board of 2 Chief Master Sergeants and a Colonel to look over their ENTIRE record since they joined the AF and make a choice of 1 of 3 recommendations to DEFINITELY STAY in the AF, take the neutral route to say MAYBE this person should stay in the AF or a negative response of this person SHOULD NOT stay in the AF. Almost sounds or feels like those options you choose in Mass Effect. Love the game series btw. <3 Once the results come out of the board in late August they are then told either your STAYING in the AF or INVOLUNTARILY told to get out of the AF by the end of Jan 2015.

With what I just told you here are my options of getting of the AF:

First Option- Going thru this Enlisted Retention Board or ERB and letting them decide if I should stay or go.

Some of you guys are asking yourselves why doesn't Gonzato try to stay in, go thru with the ERB and wait til they say something? There is a flaw here that makes this first option not possible and that involves my record. I was a good lil airman who followed all the rules and was as fit as a fiddle. The moment after I came back from my deployment in Iraq for 6 1/2 months things have gone to shit. I been putting on some weight, been constantly failing my PT tests and then beating them next time around followed by me getting lower and lower scores on my Evaluation Performance Reviews or EPRs. Plus add in suicide attempt and no way will the military let me stay in for another 4 years.

Second Option- Voluntarily Separate from the AF

^THIS is the option I want to go thru the most. I want to get out so why not just volunteer to go? Granted I wont get any special pay because I haven't been in for more than 6 years. Its the better and faster option to choose to leave. Everyday I hate working for the Air Force. Everyday I come into the office I cry a little on the inside and it pains me to how much I want to cry on the outside as I hate coming into work. Plus I want to add that there are other much braver men and women in the Air Force than me. Those who really want to stay in the Air Force longer than me. So as a single airman I am more than happy to voluntarily leave the Air Force.

Third Option- Fail this up coming PT test I have to take by Feb 6th which will get me a Dishonorable Discharge

This is the option that is scaring me the most. If I fail this test I will not be able to voluntarily separate with honor, distinction and with my integrity in tact. Hell my insanity is at stake as well. I promise you guys this. Whenever I fail a PT test I get real depressed but this is my final test I must take before I am given the distinction of a dishonorable discharge. I have failed 3 times already in the past year. Strike 4 and its game over for me. Not only will I be given a Article 15 but i will lose rank. I will lose a stripe from my rank. So instead of being a Senior Airman I will be an Airman First Class. Which means less money for me and a shameless stain on my once perfect record of no trouble with the law. If I fail I will be crying, I will be in tears and I will be so devastated I would be on hiatus for some days as I hang with RedX to help save me from falling from the deep end. I am so scared and nervous about failing that I would be happy to shoot myself on the foot if it prevented me from doing a PT Test.

So here is the ugly truth. I will discuss more of my plans for the future in another journal as I will try to go into more detail then. It probably will be tomorrow or if could be later this week. If you got some good advice great I would like to hear it and listen. If you got some trollish, mean, snark remarks you want to say to me prepare to be blocked. I am not in the mood to hear that crap. Not now. So sorry for you guys to read this long rant of mine but know I am still alive just...afraid and got much on my mind right now.

Hey guys. Super tired here and gonna go to bed here at home in CA with family. First time spedning it with my family for over 4 yrs since the last time i did it. Merry Christmas to all. Happy Hanukkah to all and Happy holidays as well. To my athiest furs out there I wish you a good Wed Dec 25th.

I am still alive just handling all the bull shit in my own way. Talking to friends when I can but recently I become busy in Moody High. Honestly it feels like school for me except I dont know who the jocks are. I am being tortured and beaten down to completely study and give up all forms of fun to prepare. Prepare for my big end of course (EOC) test. Before i can take it i must take a practice test and i failed with a 75%. Passing is a 80%. So now all sense of fun and enjoyment at work is gone again with a NCO now quizing me every day at work. Yeah great. Reason is because i am going home for christmas for a week and i need to take this test before i leave. I wanna pass with a good score. So i wont be online much if at all until the weekends i can relax then. Uuuuggghhhhh. So pissed right now. Well at least a bully in the squadron for me is retiring so yeah some good news there. Other than that yeah still here just preoccupied right now.

Yeah so sorry guys. I will not be on any IMs for the next few days. I will be sure to send out pics on here and on my Twitter accounts too about the Haunted House I am involved in. First tomorrow is the big day. I got so much going on that day. I got to do a Wing ordered FOD (Foreign Object Disposal) walk in the morning. Afterwards I got to do a mock PT test with me only doing push-ups, sit-ups and a waist measurement too due to my profile and injured ankle. Then after that I got to worry and think about when do I want to take my PT test I need to remake. I am so stressed. I haven't been working out too hard TBH because of my ankle. I need to do more on the all I just described since I am exemped from doing the run or walk you usually do. THEN I got to get ready to take a test for my final volume of my CDCs for my job training. THEENNN I got to do a boring dumb ass safety briefing like I do every Friday but this shit gets old reeaaallllyyy fast. AND THEENNN I need to get my ass in gear and clean up the popcorn machine for the squadron's haunted house (which I should have done earlier but I didn't. I AM NOT DONE YET. I gotta call the deployed spouse who I am mowing the lawn for when is a good time to come Sat. Get my ass over to the Haunted House our squadron has set up and work the concession stand there. Plus I am going to a Halloween party down in FL called Elliot's Event. PHEW! Jesus Christ I am stressing out right now. So I am not gonna be on tonight, tom, Sat and I don't know if I will have the energy to come online Sunday either. SOoooooooo...wish me luck and not fall flat on my face. Got a lot on my plate and I dont even got school to think about either. Geez imagine how life would be if that happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGufyFt6zQc

HAHAHA. I get a nostalgic feel to it. I looovvveee the song and the show was alright too.

I always think what the song would sound like if you replace it with my name and put all male pronouns into it too.

Well let me give you guys some hints.

I work on something but it bothers me..you and everyone else hates it but it must be done at home or on your desk in order to pass?

So what could it be?

Yes ladies and gentlemen. I am happy to pronounce I have moved on surprisingly fast too since my last journal. I have come to the realization and decision that maybe I really should start shockingly think about myself for a change. My future in particular. Why do I say a shock? Ask my many friends who helped me in my dark times that I always ALWAYS think about others before I think about myself. I never take the time and collect my thoughts or ideas. You can call me gullible perhaps. I am at a crossroads right now. A fork in the road of my life if you will. Do I stay in the Air Force, which I am not too thrilled and happy about staying in longer than I have to , or do I go when my contract is up and just separate to be a civilian? I can explain more in another journal perhaps. Trust me. I will go more into details about what I got so far. Just for now know I am happy with my life right now. I got good friends, a loving family and a future ahead of me. I could want more but again you get what you get.

Yep I screwed myself in that part. I was keeping my head up but dumb me thought a young friend of mine could help me and my bad ex (not RedX) make up. He thought doing something and intervene on our parts could help. It did at first but I told him I wasn't sure about us ever getting back together as mate. The most we could hope for was friends. Next day he posts a journal that is mostly in Korean thinking no one can use a Google Translator or something along those lines. I won't post what he said but lets put it simply he hates me. Trust me when I say that. If you guys could DO NOT white knight for me and attack him if you know who my other ex is. We both made mistakes. Please do not make him any more angry and upset than he already is. He couldn't move on so now thanks to him and this final act of his he has helped sever all ties and chances of us EVER getting back together. Plain and simple: We could never be anything together if this is how things are gonna go every time we had a fight. We were never meant to be. So yes that is the reason why I haven't been on Skype much. I couldn't bear going back online for a few days in fear for what he did to me. The pain I feel... its hard to describe but I am moving on. I was so ready to move on sooner but this happened and pushed me back to the beginning again. So got to push myself up some and move on. Well other than that bit umm...government is shut down. Thankful I get paid a day earlier than most because I go with USAA Banking. So I am out and about you guys.

Oh watching funny episodes of Nostalgia Critic helped me thru this and some good music too. Thanks to the furry community and all the ones I love and care for deeply.

Move on.

That is what both my mom and dad said. Along with all my fur friends have been saying too. I wanna replace my last journal which feels...very childish and makes me feel bad too. I know I should move on and everyone has told me the same things. Some have been...a little bit harder than others to offer their advice. ^^; Still what you guys have done for me is helping me move on. I am trying to distract myself with some bad drawings. I know all artist say it takes time, patience and effort to make things possible. Especially if you want to become a fantastic artist like I see all around the fandom. Its hard, frustrating and takes a long time to work this gift out. I had some scratch paper and a small charcoal and sketch set that was supposed to be used for an online video game design course while I was stationed in England but that fell thru due to how unmoved I was and how distracted I was as well. There was no way I was gonna accomplish that course so paying for it now. Anyways sorry for the slight distraction but yeah probably gonna scan it and scrap it along with some other doodles I wanna destroy and burn. Video games help me out too. Music lifts me up too. Listening to some good music brings me up too. Also studying. I have gotta study for my CDCs the AF has thrown on me. I know they are important. Hell no one will let me take other courses until these damn things are done.

Another set of updates involes my left ankle. This is the 3rd week its in pain. I been a trooper and done my best with a Walmart ankle brace after a 3 mile run the squadron does every Tuesday morning, taking some tips from the nurses who said to not bother with a visit from a doctor as its not serious, and getting advice from my supervisor which I can sum up to her saying, "Oh I dont want you to call the clinic again Alonely. I believe your faking it for attention and to get away with your PT test coming up soon."
Yeah me and her do NOT get along well. Thankfully she is leaving for a another base in Germany but in November. Seriously I wish it was Nov already.

My point with all this talking is that I am doing ok. Not great but not bad either. I am recovering. Still trying to hold my head up high. Talking to all of you guys as best as possible and remembering to not bottle things up no more. So my apologies for all this wall of txt here but happy to write it out I guess.

It hurts. I try to hide it from everyone. 2 breakups from 2 great guys all because of me. All because of fears, confusion and keeping my mouth shut. Marxeen, if you guys know him great just please leave him alone. He has been hurt because of me. I did things to him I never should have done. We were at one point when we talked marriage. He wanted it so bad and what did I do??....I broke his heart, called him a monster and a nut job. I am sorry I made you this way. I pushed you away so much because I was stupid. It was all my fault I lied to you, I kept things from you and never really opened up as much as I should have. I broke Andy's heart as well. Even today during my lunch break I went to a quiet parking spot away from ppl on base and I cried. I weeped, cried, sobbed and moaned out loud in deep sadness. Even now I am crying. I told Andy how awful I am and how I hate myself. I do. I not only broke there hearts but mine too. I can not accept a mate for a long time. As much as I want someone close to me to love me like a mate I must push back. I actually blocked someone not long after I had broken up with Andy and he asked if he could be my mate. I was angry, mad and real upset by that. I told him after all I been thru you wanted to do that?!? I removed the block after I had cooled down and told him, " I over reacted. I wanted to be single for awhile and even rp mates scares me. Besides we don't know each other really well. I just wish you realize that breakup that I went thru does not equal getting back into relationship quickly again. Your 45 yrs old you should know that." The guy on his FA says he is 45 years old and yet his response was "Well my friends RP with me all the time and they don't care how old I am" ......Are you really fucking serious?!!? I didn't ask you about your age dumb ass. So this is my apology to him and to Andy. That I am sorry. I am suffering. That I am in pain and that eveyday I am struggling from my mistakes I made. Everyday or every other day...I am crying in my car away from everyone and keeping it all in so that I may suffer and punish myself in my tears and in my sorrow for what I have done to you both. For everyone else I am officially stating I am single and not interested in a relationship. Period. Don't come to me with this proposal or I will be happy to block you.

https://twitter.com/NYJET_Prime/sta.....05517721042944

It urks me to no end. I shall plaster it on my profile too. When I got the money anti-Pony art. Just thinking about it makes me gag. Why on God's green earth would you have a con about...a child- no GIRLS tv show that grown MEN watch ???

I refuse to kick RedX to the curb due to what is happening to us. Sorry you guys but I had to get rid of You-Know-Who's name on my last journal in case him or some other lackey of his goes to the admins and tattles on me. Better and safer I keep this a secret to non-furiends. Guys...how do I go on? How do I live with the fact I hurt RedX, trying to be a good friend to him but get a cold shoulder from him? I think I deserve it. I deserve much worse for what I did. He is dealing with stuff just like I am. Maybe in time if he feels like it I am ready to listen. Hell if he wants to smack me in the face or perhaps a good kick I could understand. I tried to bring a bad ex into my life and paid the price for that. I broke a relationship with a good man rather cowardly. I am trying to do a better job at work. Hopefully that will help my mind as well. Just know you guys I got my good days and like today I got my bad days too.

No one has ever asked me this and honestly...I dont know how to answer this. To all my furiends and family pray for me. I am so scared and so confused. I will be staying away with at home watching animes, dvds, playing video games, etc. anything to relax and breath. Alright folks. I am taking some time off. No tweets, facebook or much media like IMs. I need some time to relax and get my thoughts together. This is very personal and very important to me. See ya guys on Monday. I need to see my Mental Health therapist then and I hope she can help me. See ya guys later.

Depression sucks. It has been awhile since I last posted something. Thought i do something. Holding in my emotions is not working as I found out Friday after having a temper tantrum in the car. I cried, got angry, banged on the car horn, sobbed and yelled at myself. My supervisor is not helping me. More like she is an instigator for my depression. I hate her. When I was called into the office by the Chief and several other SNCOs as well I was being ridiculed for my mistakes she joins them and doesn't stick up for me. She makes the situation worse for me by making me feel i can trust no one now. This involves my bad financial situation and also about how bad my breakup was with my ex. Yeah not a good idea keeping this bottled up. Well hoping to get help and hoping my situation gets better soon.