That's what you deserve. All the love in the world. And hugs. And support. And cookies! ... can never forget the cookies

We're doing well here at Casa del Us in the land of the way too much ice and snow and not enough Led Zepplin (please tell me you got that reference). We're battening down the hatches and frantically diving under warm fuzzy blankets to stave off the weird white stuff outside and all of its temperature differences. Chilly stuff, people. We constantly, constantly talk about moving to the lower 48, but... life, ya know?

We had our birthdays last month! Thank you to everyone who celebrated with us, offered us congrats, looked at the post and maybe mumbled something in recognition, etc. Whatever you did, we felt loved and happy ^^ It's a lot of fun having our birthdays one day after the other; it turns out like a long weekend holiday. Can't believe I survived on this earth so long. Up yours, doctor who said I'd be gone before my 30s! I beat the odds :D I'm grateful I got to spend the past year with my beloved Elora, and with all of you, too. You're built of starstuff and unknown energy and have a unique lifetime of experiences and memories all contained within; how is that not fascinating and exciting? I love it :D

On the health front, we're doing okay. Elora's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in August. She's doing alright; they removed the lump and she's starting radiation and hormone therapy soon. Elora had a mammogram just to check, and hers came back clean on one, but there are some concerns on the other. We never would have known that anything was wrong if we hadn't gotten checked out, so... Seriously, ladies, gents, and non-binary ents, get your tatas checked, especially if you have a family history of the big BC. Check early, check often. Stay with us as long as possible; we need good folk like you to make the world a better place, and you do so just by being here and being you
We had a scare with my kidneys. Blood work came back with some very suspicious readings. We had further analyses done, ultrasounds of my internals completed, etc etc. We're not completely out of the woods yet, but I think we managed to get a hold on things. I have confidence in my care team; we work well together. I don't know if I'll be able to continue to visit them as I need to after the new year; I may have to sell a kidney just to afford the visit xD

I'm still working on learning crochet and am also learning the flute. I hope to, at one point, get skilled enough with the former so I can create little versions of some of my friends' sonas as gifts. Ya'll truly mean more to me than I can ever say. And I hope to get skilled enough with the latter that my cats don't immediately run out the room looking like giant puffballs. I'm a work in progress, but aren't we all ^^

Sorry about the art dumps. I didn't realize exactly how much I had not shared over the years. There's gonna be more here soon, too. Just bear with me. It'll all be over soon. And if that sounded ominous... well.... >.>

Love ya, folks! Continue being the excellent floofs, fluffs, feathers, and scales that you are. The world needs your practicality and wisdom and desire for all that is good and just. You matter to so many folks. You are beautiful souls and worth more than you believe. I'll catch ya around :)

With all the love in the world,

Oakstone & Elora

I'm bored

I also like to get to know folks

Ask me anything!

Ask me about my characters, ask me about my stories, ask me about my sona, ask me about myself... Whatever you want!

I will answer everything the best of I can within reason ^^

So the aforementioned art dump didn't quite happen. Well, didn't actually happen. No quite about it. But hey, it'll be soon! I mean, it's been over a year since I shared anything. And I got stuff to share. So... soon-ish?

It's our birthdays! Mine and Elora's! We didn't know when we started dating that our days were only one day apart. So yeah, big celebration together! Well, not too big. Like with everyone else, our resources have been more than a bit tight. Regardless, we plan on having fun and celebrating and eating stupid tasty food from and spending the evening probably watching B-movies and talking about life, the universe, and everything ^^

September was rough, as was the start of October. There were some dark times. Like, really dark times. As the weather grows colder, the dystonia grows worse; more cramping, more twisting, more shaking and Parkinsonisms. It was a sharp contrast to August and before when I was walking better and doing yard work and feeling better than I have in years. Lemme tell ya... the depression was... not good. Couple that with the anniversary of my aunt unaliving herself on my birthday, the loss of dear friend last year to cancer, Elora's mother just being diagnosed with cancer, having to cut off and go even further no contact with certain family members, and, well, just the state of the world in general, I went on a terrible nosedive that I almost didn't pull out of.
But I'm still standing. I'm still here (much to the disappointment of some, I imagine xD) And I hope to continue on for as long as I can, sky and stone willing. Wish me luck :)

I'm still trying to restart my old hobbies as well as trying to start up new ones. I really want to get into crocheting, for some reason. Might be fun to crochet sonas for my friends and furry family members once I get some decent skill. Just gotta practice and study and study and practice. And hopefully that'll open up some creativity pathways and I can get back into writing my stories and offering up writing commissions once again.

Just a short(ish) update this time around. Hope all ya'll are doing well and staying safe. Remember to hydrate, be kind to yourself, let your loved ones know you love them, make new friends, all that sorta jazz. Keep hope, have faith, shun apathy; there's more light in this world than darkness. I love ya, folks. Be good to each other :)

Love,

Your friendly neighborhood Oakstone

I mean, I did tell you to run in the last journal :shrug:

How're you amazing folk doing? Everything great? Fantastic? Totally bombastic?

I know, I know. I read the news, too. There's a lot going on that's not right, a lot going on to make us uncomfortable and afraid and that's trying to petrify us into compliance. But I take heart watching all of you. I love furries. We fight. We know how to lift each other and help each other and fight for what's right. I mean, all groups have their bad players and negative elements. But furries? I love watching how we try our damndest to root out that and those which and who would bring us down. I love seeing how much love and kindness is inherent in the community, and how much inclusivity and acceptance is here. Does this heart o' mine a joy, and I am so, so fortunate to be a part of this community. Ya'll make me proud. Seriously. And I love each and every one of you.

Keep the faith. Keep that thing with feathers perched upon your soul. We'll get through this. We got this <3

We here at the Oakenhome have been doing well! I'm doing physical therapy exercises at home and have started regaining more strength and mobility in my legs and back. Folks... I can mow the lawn again! I know it may not seem like much, but consider: I was wheelchair bound in 2018/2019; I was walker and wheelchair in 2020, walker in 2021-2022, cane and walker in 2023/2024, and this year I am solely using the cane and I haven't fallen once. Mowing the lawn is huge for me, and I'm so freakin' ecstatic that I can! I still can't produce dopamine on my own; those Parkinson's and dystonia related symptoms and issues will always be with me. But I'm managing them so much better nowadays; that gives me hope :)

Yeah... I'm a weird wolf

I found I have a love for public speaking. This conflicts me. I hate being in groups, am a major introvert, and am really hesitant to share anything I write. But damn... I got to officiate a wedding recently, and I absolutely loved it! Focusing on the couple, watching their eyes watching each other, watching that love... that calmed me so much and I got to read my prepared remarks, conduct the ceremony, and in the end, I was riding a high I haven't felt before. Maybe it was the meds I took to keep me upright and out of pain, who knows? All I know is that I had a lot of fun, and I got to see two amazing people who are dear to my and Elora's hearts mark an amazing milestone in their lives. That, and I got to watch them use an authentic Viking seax to cut their cake and "sign" their guestbook using a Lego minifig. That was fun ^^

I'm in a really good place mentally nowadays. I've worked through quite a bit, come to terms with quite a bit, and learned much better how to manage the issues at hand. In particular, I've learned a great deal more about DID and why it comes about and how it actually helps. I've learned to work with it rather than against it, and learned to trust myself more, especially when it comes to that disorder. Management and healing go hand in hand. And I'm healing, and growing, and learning more and more about myself as the days go by

Elora is doing fantastic, by the way! She is still my rock and my river; the fresh air in my lungs and the energy in my soul. And she's still gorgeous as ever. She keeps throwing out the whole, "Men get distinguished; women only get older," when she talks about aging, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Everyday, she grows more and more beautiful to me, and everyday she shines brighter and brighter. I have no idea what this old wolf did to have such an amazing panda tiger in his life, but everyday I'm grateful

We still hope to find a third to join us in our life as a partner and a best friend. We've been using my Eleanor the Unicollie OC as a stand-in for our future third in pieces we commission. I know it may seem silly, but we really do hope and look forward to her joining us. Dating is an issue, especially in the deeply conservative state in which we live, but we persevere. We don't need a third for us to be exquisitely happy with one another; it's more a desire to share our lives and love with another, and to compound that love, and to be open to offer another something that we searched for for all our lives: A home filled with peace and comfort and fun/silliness and joy and irrepressible love and dedication. There is some concern about introducing drama and upsetting what we've created. We both realize it's a big ask for someone to enter into an already established relationship and to not feel like a third wheel or like they'll be loved unevenly; or to feel like, should there be a falling out, they'd be left alone and heartbroken. But that isn't us, and this isn't something we decided lightly. We'll be in it for the long haul with them. So. TL;DR: Still demi, still poly, still looking, still hoping.

I haven't posted any art since... damn, April of last year?? What's wrong with me!? I'll make sure to start sharing some absolutely fantastic pieces I've received since then. I'm... not sure I have all of them saved, so if you come across any out there in furry land and I don't have them here after the dump happens, please let me know. Much appreciated xD

Keep the love, folks! Fight for one another, fight for yourselves, and please, for the love of all, remember to hydrate and to say at least one kind thing to yourselves everyday. You have so much worth and so much greatness in you. Let yourself see it without any deprecation or "buts." You rock. I see it in you. Let yourself see it, too <3

Love ya, folks!
Later!

~~ Oakstone

It's happening. An art dump. There, just over the horizon. Can you see it? Filled with color and pixels and creatures of various shapes, sizes, and types? It's coming... you can feel it... on the wind

Also, update coming. Lots has happened since the last update, but I don't have to tell you about that, do I? Everything's been crazy! In any case, life update incoming!

... I guess you can run from that, too, if ya want

Later!

So last year... big doozy. The years seem like they've just grown weirder and weirder and more stress-laden since... damn, since 2001. And the fact that some of you weren't even around then blows my mind and adds extra aches to my knees and backs XD I don't feel old, though. I'm firmly in the ranks of greymuzzle now, but my heart and my excitement and my desire to live and love fully still feel so young. I didn't have a childhood worth speaking of, or a good teenagehood (whatever that's called), so now, in my 40s, as I've healed from hurt to hurt and have grown to love myself and love others in general, I feel almost revitalized. I still have a long way to go; I still can't look in a mirror, still have PTSD-induced nightmares, still have panic attacks and bouts of abandonment and separation anxiety. We're all works in progress, right? And nobody's perfect. I don't think we should strive for perfection, either; one, we'll just be disappointed, and two, we are so much more interesting with our occlusions and rough edges and little flecks of jet and gold throughout. I'm working on myself, and that's going well :)

Losing so many people last year, so many close and dear people, changed something in me. I still don't know what that was, to be honest. After C passed, I felt like something inside broke and hasn't come back together. Broken things don't always mean bad things, though. Breaking a leash, breaking a cage, breaking through a wall that holds you back... that's powerful stuff. I've been more outspoken, more protective, more unwilling to put up with stupidity and ignorance. I'm calling people out, family included, more on bad behavior and disgusting views. I always played the peacemaker as a child, someone who took the blame on themselves to ease tensions and quell anger, whether that blame was justified or not. No more, though. Not anymore. And I love this newfound freedom

Along with that, I've been reaching out to folks and sincerely offering support and kindness and offering to help however I can with the means I have. I am not well off; I am largely homebound and agoraphobic, and with disability being the main source of my household income, we often get stretched quite thin here. But if I can help, I will. A lot of folks are fiercely independent, and that's alright! I'm not wanting to be a crutch or be someone who takes away anyone's sovereignty. But I can be a helping hand, and I can listen, and I can advise, and I can comfort. I've lived a rough life - I've been physically assaulted and beaten, abandoned, homeless, penniless, rock bottom, abused every which way since Sunday, SA'd, addicted, etc. I'm not saying any of that to garner sympathy. Honestly. But I've likely been in a situation where you have been. I never, ever want anyone to feel alone as they go through the same. I never, ever want anyone to feel that no one's there to listen to them or to offer them a shoulder to cry on. So I'm here, however I can be. I do have my own struggles and will often take some time off to manage my own mental and physical health, but my head and heart will always be with you even then

Elora and I are carefully, tentatively, ever so slightly opening that door to allow into our lives another person. This whole past year and quite often this year we talked about what being poly means to us, and we came to some conclusions. We're more ambiamorous than poly; we're perfectly happy in monogamy and don't need anything more than that, but we would also be wonderfully happy having someone else with us. She's my best friend and I hers. We share everything, have no secrets, and are still absolutely, madly in love with each other. We also like each other, so that's a plus, too XD I guess what we're looking for is a unicorn; that rare lady person with whom we can be best friends, who we can share everything with, who we can be in love and like with, and who can return or is willing to return all that to us, too. Not just sex; something deeper. Something more profound, more intimate. Another kindred soul. Equal partners. It all sounds... daunting. But we grew up with so much uncertainty in our home lives, we both don't feel we can be casual about this, or have one of us two dating someone else and leaving the other out. No third wheels. That's only fair. If this woman shows up in our lives, then awesome! If not, well, we'll be alright :) We're not rushed or worried. We're just in love <3

We took a cruise in January! Never been on on. I'm not a fan of cruise ships and the waste they produce, but we went as a family, and were able to see so many beautiful places and meet so many beautiful people. I fell in love with Puerto Rico, had a blast chatting with folks in San Martaan, joked with shop owners in St Thomas and learned some more about Hinduism and Ganesha, and became buddies with a guy in the Dominican Republic who goes by the name, "Sexy Jonas." I talked and got to know folks from Kenya, Zambia, South Africa, the Philippines, Indonesia. I got to practice my Japanese and learned phrases in Arabic. And best of all, I got to meet a couple of guys I met here on FA, and was able to spend time and hang out with them. We were part of a group of fifteen family members and friends, and we did activities, ate together, gamed together, and flirted incessantly XD I absolutely loved seeing them, and I so, so wish I lived closer to the continental US so we could visit again and again. As well as see a bunch of ya at cons; I may be an agoraphobic extroverted introvert, but hey, seeing some of you would just feed my soul ^^

I love ya guys, gals, and NB pals! There will always be sun after the rain. There will always be light after the dark. And there will always be lights shining in even the darkest of nights. Keep hope alive, my friends. Hold onto one another, lift each other up, send out those warm fuzzies and big, beautiful brain hugs. You are fantastic, you are amazing, and you have value beyond calculation. Hydrate, rest, and remember to have fun whenever, wherever you can. There are always reasons to smile :)

Much love!

I haven’t updated in a while. A lot’s gone on in this forest over here, and every time I sat down to write something, I just felt overwhelmed. But here goes.

So late September a friend of mine unalived himself. I wasn’t aware he was struggling. I wasn’t aware he was hurting. I mean, we were long distance buds, but even so, I called him friend. I probably thought I was a closer friend than I really was, to be honest. But even so, in our chats and shares and glancing reach outs, he never said he was entertaining even a hair of the concept of ending things that way. I don’t judge him for it; sometimes people hurt, and sometimes they hurt so much that they can only see one way to make it stop. I’ve been there. I’ve hurt that way before, and it’s not at all pleasant. It fills you with desperation and fight-or-flight and a need for change, something to break up the monotony of hurt. It isn’t selfish inasmuch as a dog chewing off its own leg to free itself from a trap is selfish.

His leaving left me terrified. I value my connections, even if I’m not the best at maintaining them. And I went over and over in my head if I could have done something different, something that would change and help and heal and show him that someone truly cared about him, that someone truly loved him for who he was, not just what he could do or say. But for the soul, the strength, the light inside. Two others passed away before him earlier that year: one was a friend who was taken by cancer, and another taken by their own hand. I thought I held it together fairly well throughout that time, what with my beloved Elora going through surgery, and then a few months later going through surgery myself. I guess the cracks were there to see, though, but you can’t blame a guy for not looking at the mirror when he despises what looks back.

And then late October rolled around, and three days after our birthdays, Elora and I learned that another friend had cancer. I don’t know how to describe this woman; I’ll call her C. I never grew up in a stable household. I’ll spare you the grisly details. I love my family deeply, so when I went no contact with my parents and pretty much both sides of my extended family, excepting maybe three or four people, it all but destroyed me. C was the closest thing I had to an honest mother. She was kind, caring, witty, protective, down to earth. She would knock you upside the head with reason with one hand and give you a hug full of heart with the other. She was one of my favorite people in the world. And she had cancer.

It wasn’t the cancer that got her. The chemo drugs she took destroyed all of her mucus membranes. Sinuses, stomach… every thing. It decimated her immune system, and within two weeks she went from at home care to the ICU to hospice. I still wasn’t over my buddy’s passing in September, and to have this wonderful mother of a woman suddenly in that way… yeah… no fun.
We lost her right before Xmas. I don’t remember much of that month or the first half of January. I know we went to her memorial service, but not how it went or what happened there. I know there were many family dinners and a lot of condolences and a lot of tears and hugging and… stuff. A lot of stuff.

I don’t know how Elora put up with me during that time, except that she’s gotta be in line for sainthood or something. My dearest tiger bear is amazing, and is someone I daily feel unworthy to have in my life. Maybe I don’t. Regardless, she claims me as hers, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I thank all the forces and powers out there that I can wake every morning next to her.

We went on vacation at the end of January. Had to get away from the cold and the long dark days that happen here. A lot of really cool, totally tubular, most excellent stuff happened there. Honestly. I found so much hope and so much catharsis and so much strength during that trip. I’ll share all of that with ya in the next update. Things turned around, after that. I found my way out of a dark place with the help of my friends, and I’m doing pretty well now. I still have that thousand yard stare and still feel that velvet touch of pain and heartache tickle my brain from time to time. More often than not, I’d say. But I’m okay now. I’m okay. Mostly.

If you’re hurting, reach out to someone. If you’re contemplating self-harm, communicate with someone. If you find yourself planning your own end, seek someone to sit next to you, or let them know you need someone near right now. No one should feel like their a burden to each other; you’re not. No one should feel their worth is nil; it’s more than you can perceive. No one should ever, ever feel sorry for struggling; we all do. We all need each other. We all stand or fall together. We are strong together; every one of us adds to the strength of the whole, no matter how weak or how low you think you are.

I sincerely love all of you who read this. I’ve realized that hate… well, it takes too much effort. It’s not the natural way of things. It’s not who we were, it’s not who we are. Hate clouds; love clarifies. And while I may not agree with everyone or like everyone, I do love everyone. Including the one’s I feel need to be brought to justice or who need to smacked upside the head with a stick or more. I want what’s best for everyone, even if what’s best for some isn’t exactly the nicest in their book. Being kind doesn’t always being nice, and loving one another doesn’t always mean letting folks get away with terrible actions and behavior. But I digress.

Good night, folks. Sorry for the lowness of this update. Life has good, and life has bad, and it’s what we do in response to that good or bad that matters. Sometimes, life just is and just happens. What we make of it matters. How we view each other matters. How we love each other matters. Stay awesome folks. I’ll see ya in the next one

Around January, February of this year, my wife and I sat down and talked. 2023 was brutal, but in its brutality, we discovered hidden facets of ourselves we never contemplated. Being raised highly religious, we never considered those aspects existed, let alone that we could embrace them within ourselves. Asking about such and thinking of the maybes was frowned upon and swiftly rejected. But that night we paused to take a breather, and in doing so, we grew. The subject of gender and sexuality came up, and as we discussed and compared and giggled and observed, both of us realized our own bisexual leanings. Both of us realized our own demiromantic leanings. And both of us learned we both felt that something was missing. Another piece of the puzzle of us. Another heartbeat. Another voice. Another body in orbit. Another very best friend.

I think coming out as polyam to each other was a shock to us. Each of us early in our lives had thought of what being in a poly relationship would be like. Each of us at one point wanted to bring up the possibility of such. Each of us thought we shouldn't and that that was wrong. Until then, when we talked and compared notes and realized we were both on the same page of the same book and didnt know it. As we continued to consider the implications, the thought of having another join us in our home (metaphorically if not literally) and in our hearts grew more and more appealing. Elora is my perfect best friend, and in her I am made whole; I know she feels the same way about me, too. We realized that these feelings of wanting a polyam relationship isn't because we feel that something's incomplete, because both of us are quite happy and content with each other. We've never had an argument, fight, gone to bed angry, raised our voices, etc. Life with Elora is a daily dream come true. It's not about rescuing someone from whatever situation they're in, or making someone a pet or a surrogate child. This isn't even about sex (though I won't lie, we both see the appeal of sharing ourselves and each other with another who trusts and loves us in the same way). While the song Elora and I sing together is beautiful and harmonious, we hear so many beautiful songs out there being sung alone. So many melodies which are just plain beautiful that would fold and blend with ours so perfectly. So many with whom our voices could meld and with whom we could grow together. Another very best friend with whom we can share our lives. Together.

I've fumbled the ball trying to understand and explore these new feelings. I'm often an idiot and tend to jump in feet first without looking when excited. I'm not impulsive; it's just when I know, I know, let's f'ing go! XD We both know that being this way isn't always easy; with a group of three, the potential of someone being left out or excluded always looms in the background, and given how long Elora and I have been together, I can understand and respect any apprehension. But we would never ask someone to join if we weren't sincere. We've both been abandoned and left out by loved ones, friends, family, etc before. We know that pain, and would never inflict that on anyone else. We're not prone to flights of fancy or not thought out action; we both wait for the starting gun to fire, but while she is deliberate and methodical, I'm much more like the hare who tries to sprint everywhere wanting to try everything. We're in a closed relationship, but we're not closed off, if that makes sense. We want to be with our very best friend, one whom we can't think of being without every day; one who, when we picture them, we want around us always, whether physically or in heart and spirit. Someone we want to know intimately, and with whom we wish to share anything and everything about ourselves. Someone with whom we can live interdependently, where even though we know they can do it ourselves, we still offer help, not because we think them weak or incapable, but because we just want to be around them. Someone who, by just being them, makes our lives beautiful, and whose life we hope we can beautify as well.
In short, someone to love, even as Elora and I love one another.

We're still feeling out this aspect of ourselves. And jumping right into a new relationship together isn't our style. Heh, figuring out how to date casually at first as a throuple seems daunting, let alone how to do so as intimacy grows, let alone how to blend a third life into our home and hearts as commitment, communication, intimacy, and trust grows. Daunting, but exciting, and a risk and a chance we're willing to take for just the right one.

I think this year's gonna be a wild ride

So I haven't journaled or updated or, well, anything in a while. That all changes today! ... or, well tomorrow. ... well, more likely the day after. You know what, it'll happen when it happens! But a lot's happened since the last update. And, well, uh, a lot of art's been commissioned, received, usurped, conjured, and the like. I guess what I'm saying is...

Well, here comes an art dump.

Won't be terribly huge, especially compared to some others. But it'll be big for me (that's what she said, heyooooo!) But there are pieces from, say, October? Thereabouts? Wonderful creations that I never got around to uploading because from October on a lot of things started imploding and exploding around me. Not literally, mind you; except in those rare cases when yes, literally. But those are stories for other times.

Hope you're all doing well. I still have my love for life and my love for everyone. I still see the worth of others and still look forward to the start of the day each day. So I guess there's that :)
Remember to smile. Remember that you're not alone. And for the love of those that dwell within, remember to put on pants before you go outside. Ain't no body wanna see that.

Well... maybe we do. You do you, boo ;)

Love and cookies to ya!

EDIT: AMA is always going on! Just tag your posts with "AMA" and I'll answer ya. It's like a game of Simon Says. That one's still fun to play, right?

All right youse guys! And gals! And all who identify otherwise! Time for an end-of-year tradition, the first annual

Oakstone: Ask Me Anything Extravaganza!!

I mean... it's not a tradition yet. I'mma make it a tradition though. So g'wan. Ask me anything. I may not be able to answer maths questions, but eh, that's why you got google and a calculator in your pocket (seriously... teachers were so wrong, weren't they?)

I look forward to seeing your questions, remarks, so on and so forth. Remember to be kind and respectful to each other, alright? This is s'posed to be a fun thingy!

Love ya!

Been a while.

Sorry about that.

I had many many ambitions for this past month that, well, I didn't/couldn't see through. Health developments prevented such from occurring. Even writing this has grown physically difficult, and let me just say, that fact is way more than frustrating.

A little while ago I started noticing pins and needles in my hands and fingers. Dystonia causes muscle spasms and twisting, so I chocked those sensations up to that. Two months later and those neuropathic sensations have only grown stronger, more frequent, and more prevalent. Typing and drawing with numb hands and fingers aren't my forte, and as such, everything has drastically decreased time wise as far as opening writing commissions and continuing my drawing practices. The sensations come and go. They range from a slight tingle to a sizzling burn to outright total unfeeling from the wrist down on both hands. Nothing in my feet, though I've always had sensation loss in the left foot. My recent bloodwork came back clean; I'm not diabetic or pre-diabetic or anything. Just something new. Billy McLaughlin (musician and composer) once said that "Dystonia attacks what you love the most." This is true. The muscles with which you've cultivated the most muscle memory and have the most used neural pathways are those hit the hardest by this disorder. And I love to write. And though I love story telling, doing so is growing more and more difficult.

To those whom I've promised work, I am so, so sorry for the delays. I honestly meant to have everything cleared up and to you by the end of November. I love writing and plotting and planning the stories I've wanted to send you, but the work has just grown physically more and more difficult. I hope you can forgive me.

The whole point of writing was two fold. I love creating worlds. I love seeing these things take place on the page, and watch and imagine as words create these beautiful images in my mind. I wanted to do that for you. I wanted to share joy and share laughter and share all sorts of emotions high and low. I wanted to make your days easier and make you smile. Tears me up that my ability to do so is so hampered right now.
The other reason is, of course, financial. My medical treatments haven't been cheap, and my subsequent medical debt is very high. Five figures deep. Looking down the road, we only see more on the horizon as well. And I don't know what to do to turn this ship around. I feel like I'm floundering.

No jokes today. Just rawness. Neuropathy, dystonic storms, dragging leg, spasmodic larynx. I'm a bit of a mess. And that's not touching on mental health, which has been sorely affected by these feelings of brokeness and inadequacy. I don't know how to turn this around. Sorry for the negativity. I truly do love you guys, and I truly do hope you're doing well. I'm just in a bad spot right now. Things will be okay down the road.

I hope.

Shhhhhh!!

... they don't know I'm doing this.

So I love adoptables. I can't draw worth a hoot right now, but I love seeing the characters others create and imagining them in my stories or otherwise. Sometimes they jump out and smack me upside the head and say, "Hey! I belong in this section of this chapter of this book! Get me!" and, of course, I gotta listen to them because a digital picture on a computer screen just slapped me, and I don't wanna deal with that kind of sorcery.

Someone with such fantastic adopts is  Diaszoom. Their detailed work is fantastic, and their characters are absolutely gorgeous to behold. As an added bonus, they always provide their adopts with a name and a small backstory, which is quite a bit of fun! You can tell that they put their whole heart into their creations and fill them with details and character galore.

Their adoptable page is here: https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....0/Open-addopts

Give them a look!

I feel alive.

Thank you for sticking around with me and encouraging me and supporting me. These have been very difficult years for all of us, some more than others, some less. But I'm so, so grateful for the love and the kindness that I've been shown. I've made some fantastic friends in this fandom, and as someone who's never had a community of his own, you have no idea what your friendship and your kindness means to me.

I've struggled through chronic pain, trauma, cPTSD and reliving memories long blocked; I wound back up in a wheelchair and lost total mobility, and have had to grasp with a DID diagnosis and how to work with the alters within; I dropped back into a deep hole of despair and fear and scared myself and others. But throughout all of this, I've had friends and those to whom I could reach out and with whom I could chat even about the most inane things possible. You sat with me and spoke gentleness to me without trying to fix my problems, and though I felt like storms raged inside, you encouraged me and expressed your faith in me. These past four months were especially trying as I tried to relearn what being myself means, especially as I try to come to grips with DID and body dysphoria. When a close friend of mine passed away, I mourned in silence. When my grandfather passed away soon after, I cried out. And when you answered with comfort and love, I was overwhelmed.

Because of you, I feel motivated again. I'm writing more and more each day. I'm studying languages again. I've taken up yoga and stretching in the morning, and I have since left the wheelchair and walker behind again. I walked five miles the other day as we made our way around the state fair. I was out of commission for the rest of the week, but I did it. I can do it again. You have no idea how stoked I feel about that.

Don't ever feel like your efforts are in vain, or that a simple kind word is wasted and unheard. You have no idea the lives you touch by simply being you. Becoming jaded and bitter is so easy to do nowadays. I get it; I've been there. I'll likely be there again before my time's up. But you are forces of good, and are bastions of greatness. You can be the mercy and the kindness that someone needs, even as you have been that for me in my darker times. Please don't ever give up on others. Please don't ever give up on yourselves. You are amazing. You are creatures made of stars and built of energies unknown. Never forget your greatness.

I have a few things to upload. Things I wrote, gifts I received, etc. Nothing as grandiose or stuff as the stuff written above. I just wanted to say thank you. To all of you. Be excellent to one another. I love you all.

My grandfather passed away on Saturday, roughly around 8:00pm Alaska time. His wife, my grandmother, preceded him two to three years ago. I like to imagine she came to retrieve him; like to imagine she nodded her head and said something like, "I come all this way just to find you lying down? Come on, lover boy! Let's get this show on the road."

M was in our lives in one capacity or another for almost 40 years. Church leader, coach, scout master, chiropractor... the list goes on and on. He cared for us like we were his own children, and when my dad remarried M's eldest daughter, M put on his grandpa shoes without a hitch in his step.

I never knew someone who was so passionate about the blending of self-reliance with caring for those who could not and/or had not. He loved everyone unconditionally, and treated everyone like they were family. He showed me that kindness was key to living a good life, that showing empathy and compassion was never a waste of effort or energy. M once told me to never be afraid of letting someone know you care, because you never know if you'll ever have that chance again.

Family was the most important thing in his life. More than work, more than his military service, more than anything on earth, heaven, or hell, the love and dedication he had for his wife, kids, and grandchildren was beyond compare. And for those outside his immediate who were considered family, you could count on having having an unstoppable force of good and quiet strength on your side, and an immovable foundation or hope and kindness and peace upon which you could rest and collect yourself; a bastion away from thebchaos of the world.

I will sorely miss this amazing, humble man. Travel well to wherever you will, my dear friend. Thank you for all that you taught me, and may we one day meet again on the other side.

TW: Reference to abuse, dissociation

So as of now, I'm not taking any new story ideas or writing comm prompts. I have several to complete anyway, and right now I need to triage my spoons and my energy. Been a crazy couple of weeks that first went beautifully, and then went horribly, horribly wrong. Can't say I handled myself the best, and to those whom I hurt and/or upset, I am truly sorry. I get verbally snappy, and I fell back into passive aggressive snarkiness that I haven't used since high school. The brain and how it uses old established, base defensive techniques to protect itself has always of interest to me. Just hate it when my brain does it and says, "You know, let's just hit the scorched earth button right here." Again, my behavior was not the best. I'm sorry.

To my credit, when a big stressor or two would happen, I would curl up and panic and freak out and dissociate like the blazes. Patrick would normally come out to be silly and diffuse the stress, or Malachai would come out brooding and growly and push people away. This time around, neither of them came out; and while I did have an emotional breakdown, I'm back up again quicker than before (this treatment is working excellently!) And this time was no light lunch. This was coming home to find that a family member had a health scare; in-laws are divorcing; I myself had a health scare; an additional and unexpected four figures worth of medical debt added to our ledger; my abusive ex-fiance from *13 years ago* trying to get back in touch and, when ignored, tried to contact *my wife*; and a discovered deep well of bottled up memories of abuse from long ago by someone I, up to this point, could trust with my life.

Lotsa stuff all at once. But such is life.

I'm doing better now. Went on an emotional flail-a-bout involving tears, dissociation, ice cream, Diablo 4, heavy metal, and beef. Not all at once, though I am now curious about steak flavored ice cream. Also got some good advice from folks; some of it gentle, some much more difficult, but all needed and necessary. So I'm retracting and hiding a bit, and trying to focus on the day to day. Might take this time to finally finish setting up my workshop. One properly paced foot in front of the other, right?

Hope all of you are doing well and doing good. Remember to hydrate, eat well, throw water balloons, and challenge a mountain to a screaming match at least once in your life. Love ya, folks. I'll catch ya around 🫂

P.S. I'll definitely tell ya about the fantastic week later. It truly, truly was amazing, humbling, and beautiful 😊

Hi there! How are you? Me? I'm... I'm doing well. Surprisingly well. Confusingly well, even. I haven't felt like this in a long, long time. Almost never, as far as I can remember. Money's still incredibly tight, and my health is still poorly, and both my physical and mental well being have taken hits both light and heavy. But I think... yeah, I'm doing alright. A little over a month ago I started that super high intensity therapy I mentioned in the last journal, and despite being a skeptic at first, I'm seeing a lot of positive gains from it. Traumas are all still there, and the pains are still present and accounted for, but I feel like I found some kind of panacea to help alleviate the heaviness of it all. I actually feel hopeful, and have actually been kind to and about myself for the first time in... damn, the fourth grade?? Has it been that long??

... I need to get out more.

So yes, the expensive therapy is working. And I think we found a way to, well, not afford it. I don't know anyone who can afford *that.* Except for everyone's favorite Twitter overlord (/s). But we found a way to afford it now so we can pay for it later. It's called debt, and it's a hell of a drug. Not one I recommend, but hey, beggars can't be choosers, and lemme tell you... I was on my last leg begging. Thank you so much folks for sticking with me and providing me words of encouragement and stiff kicks upside the head.

Along with the therapy's more positive aspects, I've started writing again! Well, writing more fully. And I do plan on taking on writing commissions as soon as I can. Still working the kinks out and clearing the cobwebs away. Not as disciplined as I'd like to be right now. But right now, I'm working on a few freebies for a few folks just to see what kind of elements I can write and whether or not I'm at least part way decent at this. I won't be taking on any more right now until I get these few knocked out. Once I do, however, we'll see what I can open up and do for ya'll.

So right now I have four to five pieces being worked on. One's currently being written, two are in the planning/outlining stages, and two more are in the brainstorming phase. ...I guess that is five. Okay, five are being worked on. Once these five are knocked out, I'll open up, say, three slots. Won't be first come first serve. There's some subject matter I'm not familiar with and don't want to attempt unless I feel I can do it justice. So at first, I'll be selective. As my horizons broaden, however, I'll open up even more options.

That's all for now. I hope you're doing well and finding much fulfillment this time of the year. I hope sorrow passes you by, and if it does land at your doorstep, I hope it flies away quickly and that comfort and peace finds you soon after. Be kind to one another, and care for each other. And if you see a seat empty among your circle of friends, reach out to those missing and let them know you're there. A small word and a kind sound are all that's needed to turn around someone's day.

Be well, my friends :)

Just so ya know, falling absolutely sucks. Especially when you don't bounce. It was more a thud and a slide. Well, the first time was a thud and a slide. The second time was more of a splat, while the third was more an attempt at a tuck and roll that wound up being more a fumble, flail, and fwump.

I know I updated two weeks ago, but boy, what a two weeks it's been! We started the new treatment program, which has wound up being over $500 a week rather than $250. I've been in and out of my neurologist's and physical therapy more times than I care to admit, and couple that with continued weekly visits to the standard docs and services... man....

So... yeah. Health took a bit of a downturn. Quite a bit. A massive bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit. Would that be a bunch, then? Okay, a whole heckuva massive bunch of bits of bunches. And I'm trying to stay positive throughout, but you know, things have started to feel really, really heavy. Especially since we're estimated to have an additional $4000-6000 more added to our current batch of medical debt. Why's it so expensive to be just baseline healthy, right?

I don't normally ask for help, but Elora and I are struggling considerably, and im not sure what to do. Her work has cut her hours heavily for the next two months, and these medical expenses are brutal. I'm working on creating adoptables that I hope folks will enjoy, and if anyone has any recommendations on how to price out writing commissions, I'd welcome the advice. I'm working on becoming more physically able to fulfill future commissions in a timely manner once I open them, but I have no idea how well I'll function from one day to the next. Makes planning difficult.

I really wish I had something more positive to write. I mean, I guess that I've not given up can be positive. That I'm doing my best to regain and rebuild my health and keep my head above water and myself on this side of the soil. I'm ornery like that, y'know? I may never be cured of this disorder, but I'm trying my best to manage it, in both times that are sunny and great, and times that are soul flensing and flesh biting. But man. Those latter times are... not friendly.

Hope all of you are doing well. Remember to get outside and get some sun. Bask in the light! Photosyntesize! Strip down, get yourself sun-kissed by a star! Dance and gyrate unrestrained and unrestricted by garments to the sounds of light coursing through the sky and pealing the songs of the galaxy against your bodies! Roll around in the grass and try not to be too embarrassed when you catch the cosmos blatantly staring! Who are they gonna call? Who are they gonna tattle to? Mercury? Mars?? Nobody, that's who! Use your solar-dappled bodies to mock their stationary orbits and lack of limbs and digits! Hey, Jupiter. Wanna kick the ball back and forth? You can't, you legless ball of gas! But I can, and I don't even need clothes to do so! Gaze upon our photon sipping bodily glory, you cold orbs of heaven, and despair!

...

I may have gotten carried away a bit. Or a bunch. Who even knows anymore?

Be well, my friends ❤️

We still seek avenues to help my mind and body heal from everything that's happened these past few years. I'm doing my darnedest to keep my spirits up, but I gotta tell ya, 24/7 chronic pain is a real butthead. That, coupled with the tremors and spasms and the dystonic storms that can happen without warning, keeping the chip up is sometimes near impossible. I am so, so fortunate to have Elora in my life, thought. She is a stalwart bastion of strength, good humor, and at times much needed brutal honesty. I don't know how I wound up with such a wonderful person as my best friend and partner, but I thank my lucky stars and all the powers that be for her continued existence in my life. She kicks ass is what I'm saying. Everyone should have a tiger bear to lovingly and playfully give them a boot to the keister. It's very therapeutic.

I got accepted to do a treatment trial for my mental health issues. It's not free, unfortunately. It's going to run me a little over $250 a week for at least eight weeks. Ain't nobody got cash like that just floating around in their bathtub. And yeah, I get that's a very specific image, but now that you read it, that's what you're imagining. Weird, huh? It's like I'm telepathic, except... well, not. So I'm going to try a few things to supplement our income here at the Oakstone/Elora household. Creating adoptables might be one of those things; I downloaded a number of .psd bases a while back, and while I'm unfamiliar with ClipStudio or really any form of editing software, I have great impetus now to learn. Also, you may have noticed a story that randomly cropped up under my submissions tab. It's my first foray into NSFW writing. Give it a read if you'd like, I won't stop ya :) Eventually, I may start offering SFW and NSFW short stories as commissions. I'm hesitant to do so now simply because my physical issues make holding to a deadline difficult. I don't want to promise to have something done by the end of the month, only to wind up physically and subsequently mentally wiped out and unable to get you your product on time, or with the quality you deserve. But that's something to work toward, right?

Not much else to tell, really. I hope everyone is doing just absolutely fantastic. I know things are scary and unkind out there, and I am sorry that the world we live in isn't as bright as it could and should be. Please remember to treat everyone with kindness. Remember we're all struggling with one thing or another, and a simple thing such as a kind word or a genuine smile can change someone's day for the better. Remember that you're awesome, even if you don't think so. Take care everyone!

No. I'm not behind you. I just, you know, think you should be aware of your surroundings. Is there a loved one behind you? Tell them you love them! Is there a wall behind you? Admire the texture (or lack thereof) and the paint! Is there an ominous, creeping darkness slowly encroaching, and within that darkness is an even darker, almost humanoid form walking toward you? That's likely just Fred. Don't pay him any mind. Fred's weird like that.

I finished NaNoWriMo with flying colors! Got about 70k words into it without taking my main characters into the next scene. I mean, I knew the rough draft would be large, but I didn't expect it to feel so... bloated. So... Yeah, I abandoned that draft. I'm going to restart the draft and rework a few things. Bring a few of my characters back into where I wanted them originally. I kind of went a little left field with a couple of them, tried a few things out. Hey, I didn't know if the changes would work, so I had to give 'em a try, y'know? But for now, back to the world. Back to Reya, and Kirvas, and Kasya. Back to the Oathlands.

I'm still working on trying my hand at artwork. I don't have anything to share yet. I think it's going to take me a while before I'm comfortable sharing my artwork with others. I have a few hang ups about sharing my works. But I definitely will share with you folks when the moment is right. I'll get there 🙂

These past few months have been a bit trying as I struggled with my mental health issues. I'm still coming to terms that I'm not alone in my head. I'm still not totally convinced that I have DID, but I do have a large number of disassociative episodes that can't be explained otherwise. Along with rampant anxiety, depression, OCD, and CPTSD... man, my doc has her work cut out for her! Working on and managing these things are really, really difficult. But overcoming and learning how to live with them is worth the effort.

Physically I'm doing same ol' same ol'. Maybe a touch better than that. The day is still filled with medication and scheduled movement sessions and planning and eating meals that are bland and uninteresting. Glad I don't have Instagram, to be honest. Sharing pictures of your food is a requirement on that site, and no one wants to see repeat bowls of porridge and oats and drinks made of pureed things that ought not to be pureed. On the plus side, I'm finally losing weight! So hey, there's a little lighter side to things (Lighter? Losing weight? Get it?? I'm hilarious).

I'm going to upload some adopts and OCs related to my stories. I hope you enjoy them and love them as much as I do.

Gonna sign off here. I hope all of you are doing just absolutely fantastic. Seriously. No matter where you are and what you're doing, I sincerely hope you and yours are healthy, happy, and safe. You folks are most awesome 🤗

--Oakstone
🌳🪨🐺

Admit it, these past two months of silence must have been nail biting for ya. To be fair, these past two to six years feel like one big roller coaster made of flaming garbage and ill omens, but these past two months... well, they could have gone better. The key is finding treasures in the refuse, and diamonds in the coal. Easier said than done, but it is doable.

I am about 40k+ words into my WIP now. Figured NaNoWriMo would be an excellent time to get back to writing in earnest, and so far so good. November is for this passion project, but starting next month I plan on splitting my time between this book, tentatively titled "Oathborn," and a series of short stories I'm writing as a children's/YA collection. I'm about 20k+ words into that project, and have maybe six more stories to go in it before I put a polish on the pages and submit them for publication. Those'll be written under my name, while the book will be put under a pseudonym; don't want anyone familiar with my short stories picking up the book and thinking it'll be a light romp through the fields with bunnies and sunshine. The book will contain adult issues and deep material. The humans and the wolf-like anthro series therein live in a tenuous sort of peace with varying degrees of tolerance, and the dry kindling built up between the two is just waiting for a spark to set their whole world ablaze. The book details the makings of that spark through the actions and eyes of initially two protagonists, with three named by the end. I'm a little put off about the story, to be honest. It's not following the traditional layout of Intro --> Rising Tension --> Climax --> Resolution. There's no cataclysmic world changing event happening in this book. It feels almost like a build up to the next stories that come in the series, and I don't know how much folks will be willing to read something without a big badaboom. Or there might be. The plot and characters began to change from word one on day one. You can put the hamster in the pen, but you can't get mad at it when it decides to run through the maze rather than on the big wheel. And oh, do my hamsters have such a big pen with so many toys to play with!

... t-that was an analogy. I don't actually have any hamsters in my stories. Yet.

I am contemplating picking up short story writing commissions after both books have somewhat of a polish on them. I'll let everyone know when I'll be doing this. Initially, since I've never done writing commissions before, I plan on opening up three slots as a test run. These'll go to folks whose subject matter both interest me and test my abilities in taking premade characters and blending them into the commissioner's desired setting with their desired plot elements/actions. Now, I can't promise speed; I've mentioned before that my disabilities affect my arms, wrists, and hands in quite a difficult manner. But I can promise the best of my endeavors when all is said and done. Let me know below in the comments if you'd be interested in helping me test these waters out, or if you think even dipping a toe in these waters would be a worthwhile endeavor.

I do want to share some of my writing with you! I have a prologue I am quite proud of and think you'd might like to read, but I am leery about property/idea theft to a illogical and stupid degree. Should I be? What're your thoughts on this?

I have a few more pieces of artwork to share here. Not mine. Yet. Several pieces I received as gifts, raffle wins, and adopts. But I plan on working on artwork as well. Once I can figure out Krita/openCanvas. Being an artist was a childhood dream of mine. Well, I'm still a child at heart, so I guess now's a good as time as any to go chasing those stars again.

Thank you for reading, folks! Hope to see you around 🙂

🌳🪨🐺

Hey folks! Oakstone here. I mean, who else would it be, right? Just updating to break the silence.

Writing has been going slower than I'd like, but I'm still plugging away as best as I can. Tremors and spasms and random muscle issues make things a tad fun in an almost non-fun kind of way, but I haven't given up. I'm weaning myself back into a consistent daily writing habit. Life would be so much easier if we could just snap our fingers, shout "Montage!" and we could quick clip our way through training and stuff while a snazzy soundtrack plays in the background. But eh, until we develop that superpower, we're stuck having to do things the hard way, right?

I've been working on short stories in order to get back into the swing of things. I surprisingly have a knack for children's stories. Go figure! I have about nine finished and five more upcoming. These are mainly presents for my nieces and nephews, but you know, there may be a market for these words. I'm still working on my debut novel, which is very much my loveletter to the furry community. It is fantasy based with sci-fi elements throughout, and had been a project I've held in mind for, gosh, decades now? I'm working on getting character art put together for my mains, but you know. Money and all that. Still, I'm pretty excited.

That about wraps it up for now. More to say, but I don't want to give anyone eyestrain and headaches. Remember to be kind to one another and to never be afraid to care too much. We're one this world together because it's only together that we grow into our absolute best. Much love, and stay most excellent

🌳🪨🐺

Hey folks!

I know it's been way too long since the last update. It's not like nothing's happened. More like too much has happened/is happening, and I just about lost my mind. Hard not to feel inundated and the need to retract into oneself. So I did. I don't funtion well in a world filled with hate, it seems. I'm not yet 100% mentally, but I'm doing better than before. So small wins for the win, I guess.

I've been working on my writing again! Too much time has passed since I last sincerely put in any work on my projects. Disability, mental health, all of... this *gestures to the world* has put a damper on my motivation. And given that I don't make the neurochem that provides a reward/motivate response... yeah, things have been a bit of a tough go. But I'm back on, albeit slowly so.

So what projects am I working on? I'm not a single genre, single format writer. Don't know how else to explain it, but here's an idea:

Current work load:

-- Children's short stories (appx 2500-5000 wds ea): Under Construction - 3

-- YA/Adult Short Stories (appx 5000+ wds ea): Planning/plotting - 5

-- Adult (😉) Short Stories (appx 3000-5000 wds ea): Plotting - 10-13 (I have *no* practice in this field... but I have plot ideas. This is either gonna be lots of fun, or really, really bad. Either way, I won't be bored!)

--Novels (appx 120k+ wds ea): Researching - 1 (urban SF/F); Plotting - 1 (horror); 1st draft complete, on hold - 1 (SF/F); 1st draft complete, 2nd draft started - 1 (F); On indefinite hold - 3 (F, Fctn, SF/F)

Okay, so looking at everything there, *maybe* I overwhelmed myself just a tad. But dammit, I mean well! The bulk of my work, with one or two exceptions, is populated/inhabited/features anthros in all their fuzzy goodness. Reviewing my notes on these was actually what made me realize that wasn't just "furry adjacent," but rather a full on fuzz bug. Hard to deny the fact when most of your characters throughout multiple pieces have muzzles, tails, flicking ears, and, well, fur.

I'm still not sure about sharing my pieces on here. I'm very, very self-conscious about my writing; and, especially in regards to my books, I worry about having my characters and material stolen and abused. It's happened before, and it really didnt feel all that grand. Never say never, though. Maybe I will, one day. I'll definitely be commissioning artwork for my books and characters within (you know, when wealth abounds and flows like waterfalls into my account 🙄). You may get to see them yet!

That's all for now. Hope everyone's doing well. There's a lot of hate and anger out there in the world. Please remember to be kind to one another and strive to be a force for good and compassion. We may not all be in the same boat, but we are all floating in the same ocean, trying to make our way through the waves.

Stay most excellent, my friends.

(p.s.: My middle initial is not J. And my last name is not Wolf. I'm just Oakstone. Like Madonna, or Cher, or Prince. Just without their fashion sense).

Gah! I haven't updated this crazy thing in years! I mean days. I mean months. Months. Which, technically, are made up of days, so days would work, too. Math... we're artists. What do we have to with math?

Stupid math....

But time travel aside, updates have been few in coming. Sorry 'bout that. Life gets in the way. Health and stuff. No biggie, right? Not making your own dopamine is a right pain. That neurochem affects everything; coordination, voluntary/involuntary muscle movement, pain management, mental health issues; it's like not having something essential for normal life can cause problems or something. Weird.

But the news ain't all that bad. I finally have my 'sona! I can't tell you how excited I still am. And done by Cedarwolf as well. Ever since I saw their art way back when, I knew I needed the first image of my furry self drawn by them. They were so great to work with; I can't recommend them enough.

I didn't come by him on a whim or by accident. Want the deets? Sure ya do! That's why you're still reading. At least up until that last sentence. If you're still reading, congrats! You're doing better than those losers who left before this. You are the true winners.

So how did I see Oakstone? To start with, he had to be a wolf, of course. I honestly wasn't a fan of them growing up, but the older I got, the more I admired them. They ran in packs. Worked as families. Cared for one another. Survived together. Thrived together. And when one broke from the pack, they would still keep in contact. I envied this, having come from a severely broken and abusive home. Of course I wanted this for myself. But since I could not, I resolved to be co-alphas with my own wife, and that we would form the type of pack for ours that we ourselves did not have. And that's that. In a nutshell. The coloring has its basis in the real. The base fur color is that of my hair, and the blonde and red highlights reflect both the colors present in my beard and on my favorite sweater. The black patches on the knee, ankles/feet, wrist, finger, and lower back all represent torn and broken spots I've gained from falling down due to my health challenges. And 3-4 ruptured discs in my lower back. I'm not over the trauma of losing my health, job, mobility, friends and family, and everything else these disorders have taken from me. I'm trying, though. Putting their marks on a healthier, happier version of me is cathartic in a way.

And the gray on the muzzle is because I'm old. So old. So very, very old. Well... maybe not that old, but damn do I feel old sometimes.

So what else is there? I have a similar hat and glasses. I prefer paper and pencil when sketching and writing. I need a cane/staff to walk and to drag an immobile left leg around like a less interesting version of Igor. Oak because their roots are deep, their branches reach high, and they bend and brave their storms. Stone as a reminder of the type of foundation in which I'm rooted, and as the type of foundation I want to provide to others.

And pantsless, since I'm a firm believer that if we were meant to wear clothes, we would have been born clothed. Granted, we were born covered in slime and falling into a pile of poop, so... maybe I gotta rethink my logic.

Boy. I'm long winded, aren't I? If you've read this far, I'd like to offer you a cookie for your troubles. However, since you are physically unable to take said cookie, I will humbly eat one in your honor and memory.

So writing. I have none posted or shared. Obvs. I wound up scrapping all of my saved files a while ago. Depression's an ugly thing. I'm working on composing some stories to share with you folks while I try to continue work on my books. I haven't worked on them since 2017, and the plots have changed a bit since then. Any ideas what you might like to see, setting wise? Aside from erotica. I'm not comfortable writing yiff right now. I tried my hand at it before, and even I couldn't take it seriously. I'm not taking commissions. Yet. I need to get back into a more consistent writing routine before I do so. Right now, with my physical and mental health being as unpredictable as they are, I'm going only going to be doing what I can when I can.

If I suddenly drop off the map and stop replying/commenting, have no fear. I have some pretty extreme social anxiety stuff going on. Even online communication can be pretty taxing, and sometimes requires me to take extended recharge sessions. But who isn't anxious nowadays, amirite? Just remember to be kind to each other, and to offer compassion and empathy where possible. There isn't one among us who isn't wounded and hurting. Some have injuries more apparent than others but still force smiles and outwardly look whole. We just don't know everyone's situation. And we don't have to know it all. We just need to be kind.

Thank you for tolerating me and my soap boxes. Hope you're all doing well and I hope all of this hate and pain in the world ends shortly. Or at the very least diminishes. Keep up the good fight, my friends. I'm rooting for ya.

-- Oakstone

So, what? Haven't updated in, oh, three months? Bah, what's a month, right? An inconcrete measurement of time. 1/12th of a year. A flying insect that ate an "N." Thirty days and, sooner might say, thirty nights. Something like that.

So you might say, What can happen in three butterflies' time? As Basil Underwood might say, "A lot, Austin!" But yeah... he'd only say that were your name Austin... and were he a real person.

So physically, I haven't been the best. I deal with a neuro issue called dystonia, which involves involuntary tremors, muscle spasms, twisting, speech issues, swallowing... fun stuff! Everything's further complicated by my brain's reluctance (see: inability) to produce dopamine. I take medication, and sometimes my body does real well. But dopamine replacement isn't an exact science, and these past few months have been a tad poopy. Coupled with several herniated discs, and you get... well, let's just say that I'm still looking for a receipt by which I can return this body.

But I think I'm over warranty.

So physical leads to mental. Or exacerbates mental. Probably that one. So since this disability peaked six years ago, my headspace took a bit of a nosedive. Depression decided to visit, along with severe anxiety, agoraphobia, clinical OCD (it's not like what's in the movies!), and a myriad other uninvited brain bugs. Trauma from PTSD perked up, and... well, we discovered other issues I'm coming to terms with.

So why am I telling you all this? Couple reasons.

1.) Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. Just as the body gets sick, so can the mind. And just like when healing the body, we need to be patient with ourselves; care for ourselves; allow ourselves to let others help us; and, ultimately, if needs be, seek help from a doctor versed in healing and care.

2.) Healing takes time. Whether physical or mental, health and healing is not a Hot Pocket. Nothing's instantaneous. Again, self-patience, self-care, and self-kindness are essential to healing. And that can be so, so hard, especially if we believe ourselves to be a burden on not just others, but ourselves, too.

3.) Therapy helps. Don't get me wrong. Therapy is difficult. Sometimes, therapy downright sucks. But therapy, whether physical or mental, helps. Think of yourself as a deep lake. Therapy is like having someone working with you to dredge that lake of anything that might have been thrown in, not necessarily of your own doing. As the dredging occurs, the waters will become choppy and the clarity will go muddy. But eventually, the old appliances and worn tires of physical pain and mental trauma will be gone, the waters will clear, and tranquility will be found. That doesn't mean there won't occasionally be stirred up waters. Far from it. But those times will be accompanied by waters cleaner than before.

4.) You are not alone. While no one will ever walk the exact path you walk, many, many of us walk paths parallel to yours. The roads aren't easy. The rough spots and sharp stones aren't easy. And getting discouraged is okay. Getting upset, getting angry, getting depressed; that's okay. Needing to retreat and retract and recover is okay. But know that should you need us, we're there for you. We'll rejoice with you and mourn with you and be with you how you need us. As long as you let us. We see you. We're here for you, even as others have been there for us. You are not alone.

I'm positive there are more lessons, but damn, I'm long winded! And honestly, knowing things logically is different than feeling them internally. I have my fights with accepting these things daily. Healing and reincorporating takes time. But I hope these words help someone. Even if I'm writing these for no one to read but myself, however, they will serve as good reminders for me when I need them. Just know that if you ever need a sounding board or a shoulder, I'll be here however I can. Kindness and empathy costs nothing.

All has been on hold since my body decided to stick out its tongue and mock my plans for world domination. Or arting/writing. One of those. Shaking and spasming like a pinata full of vibrators isn't conducive to fine motor skills; nor is it really as fun as it sounds, according to the pinatas I've interviewed. By and by, does the word "spasm" sound like it should be a food item to anyone else? Just me? Okay.

I did manage to eke out 300 words in my book 1 rewrite. I'm pretty happy with the tale's direction so far; yeah, I know, 300 isn't many words, but I'm refining and redoing plot points and settings and stuff in my head to the point my characters are telling me to leave them alone and let them rest. But I'm a b*stard, and say nuh uh. This should be a fun tale. Should lay enough groundwork for future adventures in the land.

I haven't done anything more with book 2 aside from the rough draft. Parts of the story's subject matter is still too tender for me to approach right now. Still needs an edit and rewrite, and that'll happen, but likely at least not within the next three months.

Still have plans on designing my fursona and also commissioning further images of my characters from book 1. I mean, I could draw them myself, but I think with my current set of talents they'd wind up as some melted abstract body horror types. They have it hard enough with me constantly pestering them in my head; they don't need to look like a Picasso-Dali-Cronenberg mashup as well.

Later!