Going to be 26 on the 14 and nothing new is going to happen. I don't mind not having change but it's everyone around me who is concerned about that. Either way I'm hoping if there is some change that there is something good to happen.

At the foremost I'm grateful for my friends and family as well as my boyfriend  ilovdota2. I can't really ask for all that much.

This has been going for years. I just envision my neck being hacked, sawed and sliced through. Decapitation. Whether it be an axe, knife, razor garrote wire. Done either by a mysterious individual or myself out of malice. I usually see myself, strapping myself, holding my hair as I cleave through. Never really much screaming, it's all inaudible or rather accepting. like "Fuck it, fuck you. Don't give a shit, let it happen, let it end."

Not one for seriously harming myself but I envision a crap ton of it. Most pain I've done to myself was jabbing pins into my arm and lightly cutting it. I'm afraid of pain, but I find it intriguing to attempt to hurt myself. Don't worry though, I love my friends and family so I won't ever want to commit to the act. But I can't shake these suicidal thoughts, these visions. Everyday I think of this. For the last 6 or so years. Suicide is never an option I keep telling myself, it's merely tempting.

Stay safe, friends.

I recently talked about this with those who are close to me in real life. Something that has worried and concerned me for years.

Before I became a fat fuck I did Karate, during this time I noticed a worrying trend of me unable to distinguish people. In regards to trusting that the person I am talking to or seeing is, To describe this better as words often fail me I would see my Dad pick me up but 60% of the time I felt it was an imposter. He had his looks, he talked like him, but something told me 'That's not Dad.' I then started to misinterpret whether someone forgives me for a mistake I made or simply wanting me to shut up. Every time I heard 'It's ok' it seemed insincere. I don't believe people, at the very least struggle to. I lost my sense of trust from people since primary school and ever since it's been a very fragile thing to hold onto. Like whatever hope I still have in me has been dying off slowly and simply wants to secede.

I've been seeing a speech pathologist in relation to my poor mental health, anxiety and social difficulties to discover that I have a language problem. A part of my brain is under performing in comparison to the rest. This throws back to my trouble of interpreting certain social or facial expressions. Nothing too major, but rather the real subtle stuff is what fails me. Most of the subtle ones I answered with 'unsure' or 'untrustworthy'. I immediately get a vibe, a feeling that whatever I'm looking at is against me, disapproving or remotely negative. I understand the concepts, I just struggle really hard to figure out what the fuck is going on.

I've gotten a lot of paranoia over the last decade from assuming the worst based on sight. Having the urge to say sorry because I literally have nothing else to say and any response to fix that only prolongs it, rather than resolving it. Right now my mind is scattered, I'm chasing after thoughts to describe and explain this but bits and pieces disappear as I get close to type it down. The other part of my language problem is the difficulty to describe/explain or elaborate properly what I am trying to saying. Having to explain the same thing in several different ways over and over again because I don't believe that I got my point across. I get nothing, no stimuli to explain to me that the person understands (despite telling me) and that my point has gotten across. Because it is overwritten with 'I am not understand, I made a mistake. Oh god I need to explain it again but better.'

I don't like that I feel like I am losing grip on reality in the case of failing to identify that people are really who they appear to be than to listen to the choking paranoia that tells me otherwise.

2016 was a terrible year in many ways and contexts, but it has been alright in some parts of it. I am going to refrain mentioning all the death of stars and sports people through unfortunate events as I would prefer to keep this sort of thing personal. In any case,

This year has had me go through:
1. consistent illnesses in regards to the same reoccurring ear infection, skin irritations and other health complications. These things haven't destroyed my life but has been a huge pain in the ass of how damn persistent these little bitches are.
2. lots and lots of waiting due to people being late or simply unavailable to do their service. Things like waiting months on end to get an update on a picture I commissioned or waiting months to see a psychiatrist to help figure out how messed up my head is. I like to think this year taught me to enjoy patience but it also tells me "Why the fuck do you let people do whatever the hell they want and you are left in the dark?" I am too polite though, so I hope this patience lasts for life.
3. understanding that my sexuality is still something I don't completely grasp and that it isn't something to worry too much about. At most I may be greysexual, not asexual, as I tend to not be attracted to random people I see. But I have connected the dots that I get gradually more attached, attracted and affectionate to those I happen to be around a lot. Something of which I like to reassure those that it isn't something to be worried about as these feelings come and go in waves. So far I've told two friends I had or have feelings currently for them and didn't receive a similar reply from them. This is ok as I do remind myself that commitment is terrifying and I'd rather not pull someone I know and care for down with myself.
4. for fuck sake, me, try to be a little more positive about yourself. I understand things as like I am appalling, unappealing, gross and weird but I don't need to treat myself like I am a fucking plague. I've been doing it all year, I should probably try to stop that.

5. my best friend came out to me as transgender. I put this one separate from the rest for the point of how important it is to me. As one of my very close friends that I talk to frequently came out that she isn't a he and this is how she is. Undergoing hormonal treatment, going to take voice lessons eventually, got her name and birth cert changed legally and is on the path to be a woman. To all those going through a similar situation, you have my upmost respect. My friend has had to lie and pretend everything was alright but it was painful for her.

6. some friends will disappear completely and won't want to be found again. I knew someone and he was a cool and nice guy for when i knew him years ago. He didn't recognize or care about my existence a couple of months ago and was extremely troubled. Suicidal in his words and frankly hateful towards me. They didn't give a shit, they didn't care, but I did. One moment where I snap and he was gone, like how he wanted. I still miss him despite how we didn't talk much at all. I can only hope he hasn't killed himself or hurt anyone, frankly I'm hurt and slightly traumatized inside. Like I should have been a better friend, but that's hard when I struggle to talk to friends. Only a select few do I feel comfortable being around. Still wish that didn't happen
7. religion bothered me so much that I fear I'll never be Christian again. I met some bad people before and I've met some Christians who seem like a devil in a white robe. From when I went to church I was told that God is a God of love, not someone who wants only a select few to be loved and everyone allowed to be shot, burned, murdered and raped because they are not following him. A certain individual was overjoyed about the Pulse club shooting in the US about the man doing God's work or something. Whatever, it's too hot of a topic to go into. People who have religon go that far into your head, fuck you. Your 'soul' is nothing more than furnace fuel for hell.

On that last one, I stopped caring about other stuff. I simply can't think of what else has happened. Here's to 2017, in this god awful Australian heat, I can only hope that the world is not set on fire next year. I can only hope.

Bronchitis - 1993 - 2008
Depression & Social Anxiety - 2008
Chronic Fatigue - 2010
Suicidal thoughts - 2010
Overwhelming rashes and allergic reactions that never physically leave - 2012
Eye infection that has left a dry skin mark on my right eye - 2014
Reoccurring illnesses (ear, eye infection and tonsillitis) - 2014
Mild Anxiety - 2015
Keratoconus - 2016

On August 12th I am going to be having an eye operation for my right eye. From the vast eye infections in the past, and compulsive and obsessive rubbing when my vision is unclear or my eye/lids are itchy it has reduced the quality of vision in that eye. So much that it has become a serious health problem. From what the Doctor told me I got an Eye Disease (Keratoconus) from rubbing it so much as well as the eye itself having a particular anomaly. My left eye has the same anomaly but it hasn't become as much of an issue. My vision in my right makes light distorted and drags it down and a bit right. If it is a light with many small bulbs to make it appear bigger, I see 2/3 dragged down but in a line to make the light an large oval with the remaining bulbs at the top still normal.

So basically my message for the day is, try not to rub your eyes. I fucking can't stop but I wish I could.

Additionally, for a long while I've been doubting my sexuality. Not like it's a big deal but it still means something to me. I kept hearing and seeing shows and people having crushes on people and while I've been in relationships I never felt attracted to a person. People can look good (I'm speaking IRL in context) but it doesn't do anything for me. Sex can turn me on if I see real porn but if I imagine myself in the same situation I get grossed out in many occasions. I love furry art and anything to do with characters I like the look of. But they're not real. I look at the human population and myself and find the same answer of 'We're all not as sexually good looking as we like to imagine ourselves'.

I think I am borderline Asexual, but Greysexual because I ain't convinced that I don't feel sexual attraction for people. I still feel attracted to individuals but it is mostly due to personality, connections, friendship and strong affection. It doesn't really change anything though I ain't going to be getting a real-life boyfriend or girlfriend for a very long time. That fact doesn't really bother me as now I can feel better about not really needing them right now. I've got my porn for the mood I am in at times and that's all I need. I'm pretty happy about that.

Bronchitis - 1993 - 2008
Depression & Social Anxiety - 2008
Chronic Fatigue - 2010
Suicidal thoughts - 2010
Overwhelming rashes and allergic reactions that never physically leave - 2012
Eye infection that has left a dry skin mark on my right eye - 2014
Reoccurring illnesses (ear, eye infection and tonsillitis) - 2014
Mild Anxiety - 2015

All but one is still ongoing. I take a handful of pills for breakfast and then try to find motivation to leave the house. Otherwise I stay in my room resting or I am on the computer. My family and friends care about me, but it just feels so bloody pointless sometimes. I am so sick of it. Sick of it all.

I just wish I had someone to cry on and not feel like I am being a burden or feeling awkward. I got an ugly life for an ugly body, so I doubt that will happen for me.

Oh hey, I'm whining again. Don't know why. Not all bad but still.

I'm one of those who suffer seasonal depression. Or at least triggers periods of unwarranted hatred and sadness when it comes to this freaking time of the year. I get that everyone else is getting into the spirit but it really irks me when they do. The countless versions of the same god damn old Christmas songs which already suck on many levels (imo) is really irritating. The decorations draining money because of the power it takes to keep them on all night, while keeping myself up at night because how they shine into my room.

I say all that but so far this is the least worst Christmas that I've had for about 7 years. It would be a good Christmas if I didn't catch tonsillitis. So far it's pretty good this Christmas, despite how I feel. Got good shit for my folks and won't be going out to see other family members on the day. Reason I say that is because I really don't want to go anywhere right now. So being sick is somewhat a blessing, even if it is tonsillitis

At making this journal but whatever. Almost a list of me whining, if you will.

Despite all the things I do and the friends/family I have, I am miserable, sad and tired. Tired comes from Chronic Fatigue, poor sleeping cycle because of it and the rest being because of how I am. There are moments I wish I could cry, scream without anyone hearing and seeing. Yet I wish for someone to actually care, care in the way I would want. I assume some of this is coming off my Mum, who of which keeps enduring crap from many directions. People dying, getting old and having her car rear window smashed; I admire how she resists. But I don't see her crying in the morning, she tells me but I am yet to see it.

My loneliness comes from the lifestyle I have chosen. Which is a sheltered lifestyle, as in I do want to go out by myself and withdraw myself from much social interactions. When people are talking to me face to face I just want to be left alone. Once I get talking I find it ok but otherwise difficult for me to care about what the person is saying to me. Namely my Mum when she is not coping and needs to talk to someone. Sometimes I wish I could wear a expressionless mask so people could tell something is wrong with me because it seems it would be more effective than my own face. Whatever.

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I had a person who is close enough to me that I can trust with sensitive feelings and topics. Someone who isn't busy all the time and patient. Yeah right, like I am ever going to find someone like that the way i am living. Pushing myself to meet people is the common response to something like that and it is all so easy to say than do for someone like me. In a world where people are still against LGBT as a whole I don't think I could ever feel comfortable saying or expressing myself in public. Privately even. I'm too paranoid when it comes to that and maybe is the main reason why I purposely seclude myself when it comes to that sort of thing.

Despite all that I said, I don't think that is why I am depressed. One thing for sure I dislike doing is putting a smile on my face or acting like nothing is wrong. It only makes me worse, even though I protect others from my confusing and upsetting feelings.

Again, I don't know why I am writing this.

I don't think anyone would read nor care about this but it stands pretty plainly. I am lonely. I wish for some kind of relationship that I can have sometime this year. I normally don't care or what not because generally I play too much games and look at porn mostly. But 'odardlan' is just a mask of who I really am, whoever this 'odardlan' really is he is damn lonely. I am so use to hearing and seeing furries and all the like in the US, UK and all that crap and sometimes I hear some are in Aus. But often quite far away. I have a gut feeling that all I am seeking is some kind of companionship, but I know that is a sad sad thing to go by. I just want to meet some people I can feel comfortable with, hang around and get to know someone who goes to FA or some kind of furry community. See who they are like as a human being and then get to know their character/s.

Now I am not a furry (not that I believe) but I have had certain desires to be apart of it all just so I can fit in or 'meet' some people/person. I find the whole 'furry' thing of someone to be very attractive or appealing to me because then I wouldn't have to keep all my sick fantasies a big fat secret. I love honesty and I try my best to always be honest. I hate nothing more to keep a secret from someone that is mine that they don't know of myself. It is...

Anyway. If there is some guy or girl furry around South-East Brisbane, Bayside or at least in the Brisbane area that would like to meet me then I would be eager to meet you. I want to know furries in the flesh.

But like I said I doubt anyone will read this... I will be saddened because then I would feel I have wasted my time because I really don't have anything to offer on this site but comments. *sigh*