I am going to BLFC and will be there the 27th-31st. Anyone wants to see me drop me a line. Probably best to email hexhusky at gmail dotcom or msg me on trillian as I will have my phone with me and it hopefully should remain charged. I will try and check my notes daily.

Hello to my squeaky pooltoy loving friends. I am sure most of you are already aware but if you missed out on either of the big PuffyPaws inflatable canines or your best inflatable friend is looking a little worse for wear you can vote for which toy Puffy should rerun. Please if you haven't go vote for the husky it is ...back to being 15 votes behind the wolf currently! Go Husky!:

http://www.puffypa.ws/site/poll/whi.....re-orders.html

Thank you, best of luck and may we all receive new Wolves and Huskies.

I'm normally not one for raffles but everyone knows how much I love plushies.

Details here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3684054/

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/3638739/

Yes, I most certainly could be. I do like fish!

I'm back from RF and finally back at my computer after floating around visiting friends and hitting after parties. I had a blast and things are great. It was great to see all my friends. To those I missed I'm sorry and note me your contact info so next year I can hang out with you. I hope you all had a great couple weeks.

I'm having a very difficult time right now because I've honestly reached a point in my life where I am no longer sure who my friends are. I know a lot of people but that doesn't mean they're my friends. Far from it I've found.

Even people I really thought I knew that I felt I could trust and count on. I've been disappointed by their betrayal. I guess I didn't know shit about their real loyalties and I guess I didn't mean much to them. I am reluctant to trust anyone again if even people I considered my closest friends can do this to me. It means they probably weren't really my friends if they'd hurt me like this.

On a more broad level most are simply guilty of not giving a shit, they're just acquaintances and they have no desire to put any more effort into it then that. I spend a lot of time trying to interact with them put a lot of my own energy in but I've never felt it was reciprocal. They don't dislike me so they tolerate my presence politely. They never put any of their own self into it though nor do they ever seek out my company themselves. When I stop trying so hard I don't hear from them. I'm pretty sure this isn't what a real friendship is either. This covers a lot of people in my life.

I don't know what to do but I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like nobody cares. I feel betrayed by those I did care about. Above all I feel I don't really know people and can't trust them or depend on them for anything more then disappointment. Here I stand with all these accounts and lists of people that should mean something but don't. It's all fake and means nothing. I'm guilty of the same I don't know hardly anyone on my lists anymore either, I've just never done any housecleaning because I don't want to upset people (not like they're missing anything all my posts are public). Does any of this really mean anything? I want to cut my fake ties and just walk away. I more and more get the feeling that nothing in my life is real.

Who are you and do you care about me? What am I to you? Why are you here if you're here at all?

I haven't really been using my LJ (or FA) all that regularly for a while now but I did want to pop in briefly to let folks know I'm still alive and where I am spending my time of late. This place is more stuff incoming then I can handle anymore. I don't really keep up with my submissions or journals here. As always I track comments closely though thanks to email notification.

As most folks know (and it's certainly no secret) I really like plushies. I've been spending a lot of time going to various goodwills on a regular basis looking for nice toys when I get the chance. I can't say that I find a whole lot of nice things but I try and do find some smaller toys. I post a lot of my photos on my flickr anymore: http://www.flickr.com/photos/odiousotter/ for those of you that are interested and have such accounts. I spend more time on flickr then on p.y. anymore and certainly more then here. Feel free to add me as a contact on flickr if you like. I should really populate my network there it's very sparse.

Speaking of photos, I'm curious what people want to see. I have quite a list of things to post on there. I have old photos of my plush from when I first got a lot of them that I could push. I could take some photos of my car the husky mobile and all the toys that ride inside it. I need to take photos of my big CostCo Bernese Mountain Dog plush since my last batch from that didnt' come out and I have to reshoot it. There's assorted little thrift finds. Photos of my July trip to Seattle too maybe. Flickr lacks a blog system I can use to ask my subscribers these things so I figured I'd just let folks here know about it and ask here and see what pops.

Truth be told I really spend more time with plush things then furry things anymore. That's not really a shift I'm disappointed about though. I like being a "plushie lifestyler" for what it's worth. Maybe I should just write about that more. I'm sure you'd all get sick of it though. I just don't really know what to write about here anymore. Suggestions?

My life is so boring lol.

Got this really awesome chibi badge done by  Murrkurie who is new to the world of commission artwork.

BADGE: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3846534/

Go get one they're going for the amazingly low price of only $2.00 and she's got 8 slots left.

GO GET ONE: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1392542/

Go now get arts! *prods*

To the people out there that make custom plush. I'm looking for some patterns to work with for lying canines. I'm also interested in using 3d modeling software and plugins or cad tools to create flat patterns from nurbs models so if anyone knows anything about that drop me a line. I want to start doing some soft sculptures.

Celtic Cross Layout:

9
4 8
315 7 10
2 6

Position 1 (center):
I: The Magician - creativity, learning magic, directing energies

Position 2 (foundation):
Seven of Swords - feelings of futility may cloud your vision, reevaluate priorities to avoid self defeating attitudes

Position 3 (past):
Six of Wands - victory, success, opportunity for further expansion

Position 4 (trends):
Five of Swords - old fears resurface, challenging situations may arise, failure born out of impetuous behavior

Position 5 (future):
Seven of Pentacles - innovation, dispelling old fears, pushing the boundaries of self-imposed limitations

Position 6 (self):
X: The Wheel - cycle of change, the opportunity for growth due to change in fortune

Position 7 (environment):
XV: Challenge (The Devil) - confronting the shadow, recognizing dark forces, overcoming obstacles

Position 8 (Hopes/Fears):
XVII: The Star - wisdom, freedom, vision for the future, the opportunity to gain greater insight, a sense of renewal

Position 9 (outcome):
III: The Empress - the Mother, nurturer, fertile ideas, the anima

Card 10 (clarification): I pulled an extra card to use as a bookmark in my book while I was doing my reading and noticed it happened to be pertinent to the current reading.
Five of Pentacles - possible displacement, financial woes, hardship

Some of you here may be wondering why I haven't been around much lately. It's because I finally got myself hired (I'm cashiering) and I've been busy with orientation and training and moving back up to Washington. Just thought I'd let folks know. I won't go into details about the last year or so but let's just say I tried a lot of different medications got screwed up pretty bad and finally decided to just hose the whole thing and detoxed off all of it. I'm doing better these days but still have troubles and bad days. Anyway, things are looking up but I certainly don't have as much free time as I used to and money is very tight.

Happy fucking birthday to me. I'm 25. Normally, this is a time to reflect on the past quarter century of life I've lived. Sadly, I don't honestly feel much like celebrating or reflecting on my lack of success today and would rather like to forget about the fact that I've seen 25 years of life and still haven't gotten it together.

This debate is really racking up the drinks if you're playing  firebringer's and  kieferskunk's vice presidential debate drinking game. I'm playing both side's rules as I'm all by myself for this one which is not unusual these days. When you're all alone you need about twice as much alcohol to get by.

I think I understand why it is people drown their problems in alcohol now. I've never been quite this drunk before and it is kinda fun and yet, at the same time, it's kinda pathetic that the only consolation I have in life is substance abuse. I feel so fucking isolated. I'm so fucking tired of spending my time alone and feeling fucking abandoned by everybody with nobody to confide in.

To everyone that's taken advantage of me, go to hell. Hope whatever you've taken from me was worth it to you because the cost you've paid is the loss of my respect and friendship. Enjoy your lives, because I won't be a part of them anymore and you only have yourselves to blame for that. I will not be so manipulated. I'd rather spend my time alone then in the company of those that tear me down at every opportunity.

[mirrored from my LJ]

Feels good to have a haircut and a shave. I went for the buzz this time around as I didn't want to fuss with it every morning, didn't want to pay a stylist since I get a different one every time and consequently a different haircut, and lastly didn't feel like I really needed to impress anyone in particular and might as well just blend in anyway. I look good with a #4 buzz anyway. Really feels good to get that scratchy beard off along with the rest of the wiry patches of body fluff.

I went through my depressive phase again the last couple days with it's peak this morning but it feels like it's past for now. It's really weekly cycle for me it seems. See the shrink on Friday, going to cut my Concerta down to 54mg and see if that helps my prescription bills any and describe what I've been going through and see if there's anything he can do to get this under control.

I need to settle in here, this is an opportunity to distill my life down and figure out what is and is not important to me anymore. I really need to cut down my possessions in life to a more basic set of essentials as if I can live in a tiny room like this I can live just about anywhere. I want to simplify and be efficient and effective.

My father's been poking me on the insurance so I guess we'll try that again and see what happens next month with that. Time to cut a new budget and see where I stand there and see what I need to make it fly and how short I'm going to be falling every month. Then I'm back on the job market. Time to buckle down once again. I'm getting really tired of putting so much effort in and not getting anything but disappointment back though. I need to get something though so I can pay off my debts over the next several years and maybe improve the efficiency of things in my small space and hoard the rest in savings if I'm lucky.

Well, turned over the keys to the apartment today. I'm busy now trying to make myself as comfortable as is possible at my parents place which isn't the easiest thing to do all things considered. Guess I've finally come full circle, right back to the place I started at now. While I'm relieved to not have the stress of not being able to make the rent anymore it's short lived as there's a lot of responsibility for me here to fulfill already. I seem to be butting heads with my father more then I should. Guess I'll just have to deal.

I may be going to crazy camp! It's going to depend on how well I adjust to things at my parents house but apparently I need to spend some time away from responsibilities and obligations and stress and demands of any sort so either that's going to happen at my dwelling or if not I'll have to spend a week or two in voluntary institutionalization. I've talked to my parents already though and they seem to understand my doctor's instructions so most likely I'll just be taking my downtime at the dwelling.

On nights like tonight Xanax and Mush are the only reasons I can barely stand to keep breathing.

I've just finished scheduling the shutoff of my cable/Internet and electrical services and paid off my balances (though the electricity won't be final until next month since I'm still using it.)

As for me I've come down with a cold it seems. Sinus congestion, mild sore throat, general lack of energy, and feeling sick. I need rest and Mush time. If I needed a hand it was today. You really can't count on anyone except yourself though. I feel so alone and isolated right now. I suppose it's a feeling I had better get used to.

Eviction Day arrives in 9 days. I've moved Sedan Loads #02 and #03 consisting of miscellaneous household items and major computer components. I have taken to calling ahead to ask for explicit permission at all times before I arrive at the dwelling. The room I'm to occupy is currently in a state of "almost ready" so tomorrow I'm going to be helping move my brothers nice big full bed into the garage so some of my furniture and small twin bed can go in (none for me). I've packed all but three stuffed animals as I won't have a wall option for them to sit against in the new room. I'll be packing another sedan load and a bunch of boxes as my dad arrives with the truck on Tuesday and I'll need boxes ready for that, especially things I don't want gone through. ETA on change of address remains Friday. I'm calling tomorrow to pay my final bills and get my cable and electricity shut off at the end of the month. I still feel like an intruder.

On an unrelated topic here is today's programming exercise for those that are interested:
http://odious.livejournal.com/95917.html

Eviction day arrives in 12 days on Sept. 30th, 2008. I moved Sedan Load #01 which was mostly storage and items for goodwill. That cleans out my deck and most of my storage closet. The room is still not ready so I frazzled some nerves. I've suspended further loads for 24 hours. Will resume with limited flow again tomorrow. Current projection is for the room to be available on the 22nd and I should be changing sleeping quarters on the 26th.

Should I be concerned that I haven't been made to feel welcome to come and go as I please yet? Is that normal or am I maybe in for a rougher time then I had planned on? I already feel like I'm out of place there and just in the way.

I've never played Portal. My computer wouldn't be able to handle it and I can't afford computer games anymore. That really does not matter though as the iconic catchphrase of Portal has much broader applicability then the outcome of the game. I believe that it is the mantra of our generation. Every generation has one.

Cake is the motivating factor promised for completing all the various challenges the game presents you with. What we are saying is all you have done and will do has zero impact on the outcome. It is the answer to the famous phrase of Marie Antoinette: "Let them eat cake." Well, the cake is a lie.

I am lucky. I can depend on my family to catch my economic fall. My father was a certified public accountant (CPA), knows how to manage money, and is recently retired so I'm fairly sure he saw this coming and we dodged the bullet. They have a house that's in a good fixed rate mortgage. I have a place to go and watch as things plays out. Many others will not be so fortunate.

Maybe we all once hoped that there was no spoon and anything was possible. Wake up America, the cake is a lie.

http://www.obamallama.org/

I posit the "Obama Drama Llama" is subject to Internet Rule #34 and move that if no instance exists Internet Rule #35 be invoked immediately to satisfy the above.

Sometimes we don't get a chance to say what we really need to. In that vein I'd like to say some things to my friends that I think many of them already know but I none-the-less wish to sincerely express myself in writing so they not forget it. I've been thinking a lot about my life and where it's led me and the people I've met along the way and where I'm going. I know that I can't see many of you anymore and I don't know how many of you can even read this now.

I really want to say thank you. Having the support of my friends was the best thing that ever happened in my life. You made me feel welcome and cared for just as I was. It meant so much to me. For that I want to thank you all.

Some of you I only knew online. Be it LJ or FA or my tribe at one time on SL or a myriad of other places I no longer am able to frequent or find community in. This didn't diminish the strength of the times we shared once.

To those that are still out there somewhere to read this I owe you even more because you stood by me even when I couldn't be close to you anymore. I want to thank you for your loyalty to me.

The happiest times of my life were when I was with you all. I just want everyone out there to know how important to me it was. For everything you gave me I want to thank you.

It's over now though, and that's what I mourn the loss of every day. I feel I really don't have anyone down here I can regularly confide in so I'm just making my statements to whoever is out there reading this. I don't know what the future holds for me but I have a feeling it'll involve heavy medication; as long as my mind is clear enough to process these thoughts I won't be able to escape this loss and my depression. Whatever the future holds I just want everyone to know these things. I loved you all and you have not been forgotten.

It's gotten so much worse this morning. I woke up and instantly I knew that being conscious today was going to be difficult. It's so bad I can *feel* it in my head. It's not a headache but I can feel it just the same. It's difficult to describe the physical sensation but its' like a pressure in your mind. I'd do just about anything to shut down my mind. I feel so dysphoric and I'm on the verge of tears. I just woke up so I have a whole day though of hours to cope with. I don't know why I feel like this. I can't stand it and I can't escape it. There's nothing anyone can do.

Part of why I don't write here much anymore is I'm really not sure how to communicate my feelings effectively. I often find I lack the proper words to describe the quality of my emotions or what, if anything, they mean or why I have them. All I know is they are at times unbearably unpleasant and I'll do just about anything to try and get away from them.

I can't stand to be at home of late. I flip through the channels and find nothing of interest. I look at my video games and feel no desire to play. I want to be anywhere but here. I go for drives just to pass the time because somehow it feels better just to be on the move. I don't know where I'm going, I just drive, usually east. I have taken to late night jaunts into the gorge when there's nobody else there to deal with and I can just be alone in the dark woods with my trance in the little personal bubble my car is. When I come back home the feelings come right back. I feel like I want to go somewhere but I can't think of anywhere to be.

I've taken to reflection on tarot cards since I bought a deck. It's sometimes helpful for thinking about aspects of my life. To be honest though I just don't know who I'm trying to talk to, what I'm trying to say, what I'm trying to accomplish, why nothing feels right to me anymore. I don't know what happened to me. I wish I knew how to identify my emotions enough to know what to do about them or something that someone else might recognize and be able to offer some sort of advice for. I just feel confused. I know I didn't always feel like this before, I don't know what it is much less what to do about it. I just want to ... wish I knew what.

I just don't understand. All I really can say is I'm having trouble dealing with it every day and I wonder how it came to be like this and when I'll ever feel different.

Is there anyone out there that understands any of this?