Today is my birthday, the 25th of the kind, so I'm officially a quarter of a century's old now. At first I wanted to do like every birthday since a few years now and not really care, I'd just celebrate surviving another year, being pretty positive that it will be my last one on Earth ("This time, I'm sure of it") , and then celebrate my survival next year and move on. Right now though, I actually wanna share a bit of thoughts. I know most people don't care about the thoughts of a random pumpous ass dude and sorry if I sound pretentious for being so open about them, truth is I'm also using these journals to not have to reword my complex feelings to individual people when I have to explain them these kind of feelings. Part of it is also wanting to address the aftermath of my latest journal where I talked about dark thoughts I had. First of all I would like to thank everyone who sent me supportive messages, although I didn't reply to them all. I started replying, but then I realized I would have nothing to say but negative stuff that would unintentionally downplay the attempts of everyone to give me advices I wanted to hear to begin with. So I just wanna say thank you to all the people who reached out to me with advice or just comforting messages.

Now as for my life right now, I am feeling a little better, and those friendship doubt conflicts I had are mostly resolved. I've always been in that mindset that true care would always come naturally, and that if I had to explicitly ask for it, even rarely, it would be more akin to manipulation. This might be explained by stuff that I'll talk about later, but friends are helping me see support differently. In general, I still wouldn't say I'm at a point in life where I can be proud of myself, both in here and IRL. I'm still an anxious wreck who has negative and straight up suicidal thoughts more often than not. Though I did realize that I'm harshly treating the beauty of the world that I can't comprehend. I have a different relation with the world surrounding me, my time on this planet has convinced me of it. Forgive me for how pretentious it sounds, but  my world has mostly been a displeasant abyss devoid of beauty. Or at least, that the specific kind of beauty everybody loves has the form of an abomination in my eyes, and which I don't want to get near of. In a metaphorical way, it would be like the belowing depths of a deep dark sea, where the only moving elements are the Eldritch abominations that reside in the abyss. They hold the beauty of life under a terrifying appearance. It's beautiful, but survival instincts tell me to not approach them. By fear or jealousy, I smash and conceal it so I never have to see it again. I think it's because most of the times I try to claim or bask into such beauties, it would come back to kick me in the butt one way or another. Either the goal is not to claim the beauty and just silently appreciate it, or I'm not doing it the right way. Anyway, I've stopped analyzing and appreciating it, and casted myself into a world of darkness. This might explain a lot of my paradoxal thoughts about social relations, shaming the idea of friends showcasing their friendship, artists doing stuff together, gifts being made and received, which I started avoiding all those years ago... While feeling jealous of other people who get to live such experiences. I thought of it as a sacrifice all this time, but maybe it's just some sort of mental self-harm. This is why I wouldn't accept gifts or trades or friendly artist interactions easily. If I were to accept such things, maybe I wpimd be partaking in this socially global manipulation in the furry fandom, maybe I would be enhancing someone's parasocial relationship, maybe I would be making someone lonelier than me in the other side of the world feel even worse just by showing that I feel less alone right now...  I still hold strong opinions, especially about the fishy art challenge bandwagons that come and go, but maybe I can try and be less strict on myself concerning the other stuff.

I'm writing this journal out of desperation. Is it normal that I want to kill myself every other day now? I tried throwing subtle hints that I'm not doing well at all because if I just said I need support it wouldn't "Count" idk how to explain it. But it didn't work, it was petty anyway, and despite having been able to explicitly ask for comfort to one person without feeling like it ruins everything, I still can't shake off this wish to die. It's been there for more than 10 years now and always harder and harder and everything's becoming either dull or overwhelming, even the good news. School is almost over finally, but I can't seem to find any sort of happiness from it. My birthday is coming soon, but having to think of an activity to do with my family to celebrate or gifts that I want is too difficult. It's going to be my 25th birthday and apparently it's something special so if I choose wrongly I will miss the occasion???

Right now I'm pushing my friends away. I don't know where to direct my hate and disgust and desperation that I'm feeling right now, I don't want to mess them up, but part of me also want them to manage to save me, I pettily hoped for a feel good movie development where it turns out people noticed and all and am I toxic for that? I can't allow myself to die right now, not when a sick family member needs me, but if they weren't there I would have killed myself a long time ago and I feel so disgusted at myself because my friends are trying their best and I'm here still being sad and I don't want them to thin they're bad friends because they're doing their best and they have their own issues and I can't be there for them either because I'm feeling too sad. I want to leave it's all I want to leave this world so bad, I've been imagining sob stories about how people would react if I was gone but I know that nothing will actually happen. I feel silly for wanting to take a finite decision at once but always backing up last moment. Last year I decided that I would decide to kill myself or not for my birthday but for the reason above I would have never done it anyway so it was just me being edgy

I'm sorry for being so unstable I'm sorry for being so cringily sad all the time, I know that leaving everything would be a positive outcome for all the people I'm tainting and I'm sorry I can't just do that because I'm a coward. Psychologists and therapists are too difficult to find, the last one just told me to go outside and take some sun now I can't trust any of them and the psychiatrist I saw told me I didn't need medication right away. I'll probably be ashamed of this journal and delete it but if someone reads it please help, give me an advice or soemthing please because I can't do this anymore... I probably won't die but that's even worse because I'm living in pain. I'm also expecting this journal to be completely ignored, it's okay if that happens too because I would also deserve it for still feeling sad despite my friends' efforts

I just want everyone to know that no, I'm not dead, and I'm definitely planning on drawing and posting furry foot stuff in the future, now is just not really a good time for that.

Basically, since September of last year, I'm following a school cursus on Video Game programming, and despite kind of already knowing that this would be an administrative and organisational mess in this school, they somehow managed to make it even worse. I could go on a rant about literally all the terrible and fucking stupid things they've done and are still doing (In fact, I actually have a 10 page document detailing all that stuff that I sent to a few friends already lol), so I'll be brief: They do appaling stuff like giving us grades based on the activities we do OUTSIDE of school, they cut entire project teams in half before saying that this won't be taken into account in the final grade, they're giving us the equivalent of a fucking full time job of work while we're on an apprenticeship (For example we had 7 assignments to deliver at ONCE around the end of last year, once again, WHILE basically having a full time job.) This is the kind of place that is just a pure scam (I joined in for the diploma but damn, they managed to make me consider very negative thoughts a lot of times...) that makes you aim for the "Barely passable" rather than the "good" just to be able to keep a bit of mental health, and from which you barely get out with the desire to make something out of what you've "Learned". Fucking crazy how a VIDEO GAME school makes you fucking HATE working on video games. Fucking cretins who have actually never worked in the game industry and made their school course as a side project, helped by the amount of money their scam school network has and the amount of dick riding they did when they were students of that school themselves (You know it's a bad sign when most of the "Teachers" here are actually just previous students...) Anyway, I'll be free from this mess in the end of September of this year, so here's to that, I suppose. I've managed to draw some stuff, though not furry stuff.

Anyway sorry if that was all a very mopey journal and I hope I didn't make anyone's eyes roll lol. I'm somehow doing okay, though I had a very violent crash mentally last week. Have a good day, and hopefully I'll be able to actually do stuff at the end of the year!

🎉🎉  Kurtanks 🎉🎉

Congratulations to the winner, I will contact them via notes right away! A big thank you to everyone who participated, and everyone who watches me/follows my art :D

I didn't reply to the participations under the original journal, but I'm happy to see that many people had different artworks of mine as their favorites, and featuring different styles as well. That's exactly what I'm aiming for, proposing something recognizable yet new with each production, and seeing it reminds me that all these efforts are worth it, so thank you so much <3

I'm organising a free art raffle to celebrate my 2K watchers on FA! You have until the 24th of December to participate! All the informations in the link below:

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11026016/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11026016/
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11026016/

After so many years of grinding (Okay that wasn't grinding, it was just drawing stuff that makes me horny and getting caught up in a crunch promoting school), we've reached the milestone of 2K watchers, what a nice christmas gift! I'm very happy, thankful and proud to see that so many people have taken interest in my art, and I'll keep doing my best to improve at it everyday I can. It's been more difficult to be productive since around 1 year and a half and I'm sorry for that. My only justification is that the school I'm in doesn't have any idea of what crunch, burnout or overworking people until they become unable to work is. This is a little too IRL related for me to talk about it here, but it's more than just "Working a lot".

These 2K watchers came with a bit of anxiety relating to what I wanted to do to celebrate it. I don't have the time to make a special pic for it (Neither for Christmas despite a Krampus design idea I had that I wanted to draw), but I also didn't want to pass the occasion to celebrate and thank my watchers. So I will be holding a raffle, buuuuut I really want to address that the winner is probably going to have to wait some time before I can actually get to their artwork :/ At least, that will give them time to fully fledge out their idea, right?

To participate, you simply have to be watching me, and put a comment under this journal telling me which artwork of mine you saw first, or one of your favorite ones. The winner will receive a fully colored and shaded pic, like what you're used to seeing on my gallery now. As I've been experimenting a little bit with my drawing tools recently, the winner is welcome to give me any proposition for an art style they'd like or graphic elements/"Vibe" they'd like their pic to feature (I won't be doing what is essentially reproducing another artist's art style to a tee, of course)

Let's say the raffle ends on the 24th of December at 7PM UTC, this way I can notify someone of a nice Christmas gift :3

Thank you again for being so many to enjoy my art, and may the luckiest win!

I'm selling almost all of my characters! More info on the link below:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10955665/

I've been thinking about selling most of my characters recently. I don't think I will find an occasion or the motivation to draw them or do anything with them, so I figured someone else might want some of them!

Taro: SOLD

Derek: 120$
https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....r/626711/Derek

Rika: 100$
https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....er/579923/Rika

Atleus: 50$
https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery...../696769/Atleus

Canella: SOLD

Chloé: SOLD

The prices are based of the history and number of artworks each of these characters has got, the quality of the artworks I've made for them, and how attached I am to them on an emotional level. I have no idea what the price of a character should be, so the prices are negotiable if you think I overpriced or underpriced a character. Acquiring one of my characters means you have total freedom on the future changes, artworks, commissions you'd like to do with them, and I will give you all the high resolution artworks that involve this character. You can repost the high resolution artworks featuring these characters as they will be yours, as long as you credit the artist. And before you ask, only time will tell if I decide to sell Yun or not. Finally, I only accept payment via Paypal.

If you're interested in buying one or multiple of these characters, you can send me a note on FA or any other platform of mine (I don't directly accept DMs on Discord or Telegram because of some peoples' behaviors, but we can transition to them later on).

Copying from Twitter, with a bit of modifications

Over the years, I've given the benefit of the doubt to undeserving people, and accepted an inferiority stance just because I thought I was in the wrong... I was foolish and have just been used for all sort of shit. Been groomed, defamed, insulted, patronized. But I'm still here.

Of course I've done some mistakes as well, but with the social media culture, some people here use a fake moral high ground to justify lying, insulting, manipulating and all sorts of shit, and get away scott free due to victims like me who silence what's behind the curtains to avoid hate from people who'll try to make people think they're not taking the responsibility. This fake vigilantism went too far since long enough already, and lead to finding a reason to finger point just about anyone for Internet clout without giving them the possibility to truly defend themselves.

You always have multiple sides to a story, take everything in consideration, and don't hold a final judgement if you don't actually know shit. You never know if the author of a callout post has never actually done what they call out, or are actually friends with a groomer or not (If you know you know)

But anyway, be humble and remember that you're all just lowley humans, you're not any superior to anyone. Nor inferior.

Anyway, rant over

Hello everyone! I have decided that after my next upload (The art is almost finished :D), I would be taking a break from posting furry stuff and dedicate myself to a more academic approach to art for an undetermined period. This is mainly due to three reasons:

1: I always want to better my art, and I currently feel like just drawing more and more furry feet is not sufficient for that, as it sort of traps me into the mistakes and approximations I tend to make. I'm going to pick back the courses I had to pause due to life circumstances and start taking a more student based approach again to learning to draw anatomy for the time being.

2: As a furry foot fetish artist, it is easy to get swept up by the need to keep drawing this specific type of content due to the fear of becoming irrelevant/getting out of touch, and ruining the Internet presence I've been trying to build for many years. This has the negative side effect of making me push away all the non porn ideas I have, or simpler things I want to draw, or even non related side projects, as I feel it wouldn't gather up any interest. In other words; I'm getting blinded by numbers. I wanna work on other type of stuff for once, give myself a bit of relief from constantly feeling like trying to not get drowned by the current (And maybe have non furry stuff that I might use if I want to try sending applications for an art job?). It has come to a point where I'm actually anxious at the idea of posting that new artwork, because there's a high chance I will be disappointed with the number of likes, faves, retweets etc it's gonna get compared to the effort I put in it (Especially as it's honestly a little "out there" idea). That anxiety is definitely a flag that I shouldn't ignore.

3: I've lately started to work way more seriously on my mental health and actually started to follow a medical procedure to hopefully feel better with my past, current traumas and issues. For those who don't know, I haven't been dealt a good hand family wise, and I still see the aftermath of it everyday, even after the problematic person has died, and my current school situation where they're just burning us out because they actually don't know what they're doing has been adding to it, making me have suicidal thoughts more and more. I figured I wouldn't survive long like this, so I gathered enough courage to trust and talk to a therapist, and I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist to hopefully get some medication. As such, I think it would be best for me to take a bit of distance from anything that can be remotely stressful or make me feel worthless. Art, when it's done in the way that I mentioned earlier (Producing content to stay relevant and not really succeeding anyway), is one of those things.

I don't think I will be posting any art during that time, and if I do, it would either be some YCH to get a bit of money, art I commissioned, or very rough sketches when I actually feel like putting my learnings to the test on a furry pic.

When I grew up, social media and Internet presence didn't feel so mandatory, so I didn't feel an incentive to produce, or to make and share stuff on the Internet, getting a following etc... And now I see so many people with a widely validated existence, it just makes me jealous. I feel like I'm late onto the social media thing and the rest of my generation, while also pushing it away as I don't really know if I actually WANT what they have, that is a very uneasy place to be in ngl...

Of course, the self guilt doesn't help either; If this Internet validation is just an illusion of worth, why am I giving it so much importance? Am I part of the problem for being impacted by those who (Actively?) present wide validation as the proof of a person's right to exist?

Not being known or popular isn't an issue, but over time, it looks like people mistake it for actual value more and more, and that personally really impacts me. Maybe I'm being an early boomer, idk... Am I the only one who feels this way?

Yeah, unfortunately I REALLY can't find time nor energy to manage the Discord server, I either lack one or the other :/ I would have loved to be able to organize some events and stuff, but unfortunately my lack of involvement in the server makes it very dead. That's fine though, it was made for fun, and it was great learning how Discord servers were made, bots, dashboards to use them with, and stuff... But yeah, it's time to give this dead server an ending :/ I've been so unable to do anything about it that it's actually been a few weeks since I wanted to delete the server, but I never found the energy to write a good journal (And this one is not even good tbh)

I don't really know when I will actually delete the server, I wanna let some time pass before it, maybe one or two days, so people can still keep contacts if they had found some friends with the server. But yeah, the server's gonna get deleted pretty soon. Thanks to everyone who joined, and I hope that despite the lack of content in there, it was at least content that you like!

Damn, that's a long time huh, it's almost like I could say I spend almost a third of my life on here...

I'm going to be pretty brief I think, because I honestly don't really have much to say, other than I'm feeling much MUCH better than all the previous years I've been in the furry community. I have friends who accept me for who I am, my doubts, fears, mistakes, but also joy and desire to make everyone feel accomplished and like they matter. I've often talked about how I wished to find a friend group that makes me feel super comfortable and that I could frequently hang out with and play games with, and I found it, thanks to the unconditional love of the people who invited me to the group. I feel wanted, appreciated, and supported. I'm glad I finally get to experience that feeling.

In terms of art, I'm letting myself get carried by the waves, trying to improve without overwhelming myself, I'm slowly doing more and more 3D, and I personally really like it! I've yet to try myself at a longer and more ambitious project on Blender though, like another model or a full animation.

So yeah, life's going great for me right now! I'm also accepting myself a lot more and my understanding of who I am is clearer and clearer everyday, I even find myself getting confident on some stuff (Without letting it make me big headed of course) and entitled to not let myself be mistreated.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who follows/watches/faves/comments my stuff (I know it doesn't look like I read the comments but I do, I just have terrible energy for responding to them lol), and I hope I'll keep proposing artworks that you'll love!

2023 was a cool year I'd say! Learned to respect myself a lot more, and learned not to let privileged people who had everything given to them tell me my worth. Got my first backstab too, I still don't really understand why that happened as a few months after, I realise it was really unnecessary (That's the info I got from people who were there when it happened, and I know for a fact that the person who did that didn't do it for good reasons, unless they're taking their damn time to prove it). But oh well, that only strengthened my friendships and taught me that despite some lack of critical thinking a few years ago, I didn't hurt anyone unlike what that guy tried to make me believe.

I can feel some improvements in my artworks over this year, despite the big gap around the end of it due to lack of time and motivation. I also experimented a bit more with 3D this year, I'm happy and can't wait to get more experience in it! <3 I really gotta work on a Yun model, though I gotta finish another model before that. It's close to being finished, I just gotta find the motivation for that final stretch.

Another good thing: this year, I also finally set a foot in active life. I'm lucky to have found an apprenticeship in a video game studio. It's way tougher than I thought and I still need some time to truly know if this is what I want to do or not, but I'm learning tons of stuff, both about my field, and how a video game project is managed in a company, that's good and corresponds to my life plan so I ain't complaining, especially with how hard it is to enter this industry. Uuuh also, I launched a Discord server... It's unfortunately not very active right now because I don't interact with it a bunch or create events due to lack of time :/ I'm keeping it open for anyone who's interested though, I'll try to do more stuff in it in 2024!

2023 was also the first year without a very toxic family member around. He just died one night, went to sleep and never woke up. He has my sympathy, but his death is ultimately a good thing for everyone in the long run. People who follow me for a while know a snippet of the psychological abuse he was making us go through, so I'm not gonna detail it. but I must say that since then I'm getting a lot more confident, less on edge and "More entitled to my personality", if that makes sense? Like, I'm less scared of being myself, rather than the quiet and docile yes-man some people want me to be, even if that puts me in trouble.

While I'm onto the subject of endorsing myself more, I would actually like to know your opinion on one thing; I've been thinking that maybe I was a bit too indulgent on blocking / deleting comments options when someone would piss me off, insult me or basically try to fuck me around. I've always been in a mindset of letting the right of people to explain their point of view or redeem themselves even if I didn't like it under the pretense of freedom of speech and just in case it was a misunderstanding, but more and more often it just occurs to me that some people don't seem to understand that, and instead just use the occasion to deal the most hurtful blow rather than trying to fix the issue, and I don't want that to end up putting ME in trouble. I also know that some people didn't give me this possibility to understand each other, so why should I give it to them? This year is the first year where there are some people who I don't really want to patch things up with, nor let myself get dragged down by trying to fix misunderstandings where I don't trust the other person's good intentions. I'm wondering if I'm not entering a slippery slope if I let myself indulge in this and just end up blocking all conversations with some people I get in beef with. What's your opinion about this?

Finally, I want to thank all the friends I've made during this year, all the people who gave me their support and who see me as a person rather than either a ghost. Some people's genuineness and critical thinking really touched me, and I'm very thankful to know there are people like you around :)

Happy new year, everyone! May 2024 be a good year as well!

Just as I was getting the hang of getting home later than usual and found a way to still have energy to do stuff, my school finds the way to organize a group project in such a terrible way that we don't have enough time to do it in the hours they're telling us to do that in, and so for the past two or three weeks I have been crunching my ass on it. I'm leaving home from 8.30AM to 7.30PM for work, and then I work on the project until 11PM or 12PM. I was in the process of drawing the birthday raffle pictures (Yeah remember them? lol. Sorry for taking so long...) but right now I'm on a complete stop because of that stupid project (There's so much about it and the school in general that I'd like to vent but oh well this isn't the place for that). Fortunately this whole stuff ends on the 22, I'll be much more available after that cause it's also the start of christmas holidays, I'm looking forward to it. I've had a bunch of horny ideas that hopefully I'll be able to draw, I hope I'm not going to be too burnt out to actually do it.

But yeah, sorry for the long time with no art, I promise the oncoming arts are gonna be worth it >.<

Holy hell it's been a while since the last artwork I posted on FA (Not counting the 3D Asriel render because it was done pretty quickly without too much efforts put into it), and even before the Tasque Manager (Which was pretty well received on Twitter, tysm!), the time span between my pictures is getting longer and longer... But why so?

Tl;Dr: Work and school are taxing my energy much more than I thought, and I'm kinda starting to get bored of my 2D art

I'll be honest, I completely underestimated the amount of free time that I would STOP having due to my apprenticeship and school due to its hours (Starting late but ending late, which I absolutely despise), and the time in public transports added to that (Around 1h30 per day, and I know I'm actually pretty lucky). Basically I'm away from home from around 8.30AM to 7.00-7.30PM, and THEN you can't ignore the fact that when I get home, I'm completely exhausted, way too exhausted to seriously get started on any type of work. To be honest, the first few weeks were particularly dreadful, and with the "First job anxiety" (The anxiety that comes with realizing that this is how my life will be from now on basically) kicking in, I actually did have terribly negative thoughts a lot of the time. I'm getting more adjusted to this insane life rhythm, though the tiredness never really leaves, I'm just more used to it and can now pull through it a little easier. I want to thank my friends who helped and encouraged me to get through that very difficult period though, I never felt more appreciated and wanted than before!

Another reason why I'm taking a bit of time is because... Once again, to be honest, I'm starting to get a little bit tired of 2D work. I barely manage to change my art style, I notice the same anatomy, proportions or perspective mistakes I keep falling into, and it has honestly been making me pretty disappointed in my work (For example, that Tasque manager picture was supposed to be a COMPLETELY different art style from what I usually do, but I just ended up back to my old style again). That also explains that I'm currently working more in Blender, trying to learn stuff like posing, lighting, rendering and stuff. It's pretty difficult to get started, especially finding the information online which for some reason is particularly difficult for Blender and being victim to gatekeeping when I actually ask others for help, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I'm still working on the raffle pieces and still giving my all into them, but I might not get a lot of motivation to get started on new ambitious art projects after that. Maybe expect to see more 3D stuff in the future, or some YCHs, stuff that doesn't take too much of my time while still allowing me to make content.

I'm not dead, don't worry about that, I'm just... Half dead lying on the ground due to the time and energy I don't have anymore lol. I honestly don't know how much more of this struggle I can take, I really feel like I'm the only one going through so much anguish, but that can't be true, life is that horrible thing for everyone... Right? Anyway, I'm still breathing, so I'll do my best. Sorry for the lack of content recently and in the future. You can follow my Twitter where I sometimes post 3D WIPs to reassure yourselves that I'm still there :3

Also happy halloween! I wanted to do a dedicated artwork as well as a Halloween themed event on my server, but as you can guess by now... No time and no energy... Maybe next year tho!

If you didn't receive any message from me, I'm sorry to tell you you didn't make the cut this time :/ Actually, I did manage to find enough admins a few days ago already but didn't have the energy to send a journal about it (So if you sent your application recently, this might be a reason, I do keep some applications under my belt if I need more admins in the future though).

With that, I can also announce that the server will be opening... Tomorrow! I initially planned on opening it earlier this week kind of on a whim, but I figured it would be better to open it at a time when I can actually be available to greet newcomers and answer questions :) I will of course make a journal when I open the server, explaining what you can find in it, so you can join if it interests you.

I want to thank everyone who sent their application, and all those who will now be admins of the server, I'm happy to hear that I can count on others to make sure this server is a good one :3

I've had a very negative opinion on the idea of community Discord servers, but as I'm trying to be more open minded about the community aspect of the fandom, I wanted to try the adventure of a dedicated Discord server, so I've recently made one (A pretty standard "Just chill out together and share art and passions" server). I did invite some friends to "Test" it, and now the only step before opening it to the public is getting a team of moderators that will help the server grow and be a good place for everyone.

So I've made a submission form for everyone to send their candidature:

https://forms.gle/WnWYUkhCnsijfNF9A

Although preferable, you don't need any past experience, and I'll select people depending on their moderating philosophy rather than experience. I've been really let down with the behavior of the admins of other servers I've been in, and I prefer to have admins with an empathetic and open-minded philosophy rather than ones who gloat about the number of people they've banned or harassed to leave, so please be as precise as possible when filling the more open questions, so that your candidature isn't refused due to a misunderstanding or a missing info. I don't have a definitive number of slots to open as I don't know how many people would join the server, but expect maybe 2 or 3 admins to be selected for a start. Finally, keep in mind that it will be benevolent work, as I'm not stable enough financially to provide a pay to admins on a frequent basis.

I will directly get in contact with the most interesting profiles to ask them potential questions I might have. I unfortunately can't promise to get in contact with all the candidates who haven't been selected to announce the bad news, because there might be a lot of people participating, but I will announce when the recruiting process is over. I might open for new admin slots in the future depending on the success of the server, so please don't lose hope, and also, don't take it personally if you haven't been selected, the choice is mine in the end and I might be taking bad ones.

If you have further questions, please feel free to ask them in the replies of this journal :)

And the winners are...

 LookingAroundBrowse and AlyonZymph on Twitter!

Congrats to you two! I'll get in contact with each of you :3

Thank you all for your participation, we had 72 participants total, which is a high score for me!

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53601540/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53601540/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/53601540/

Make sure to fulfill all the required conditions to be in! If you sent a reply and still didn't get a confirmation from me, one of those might not be fulfilled!

The skies have opened to me, as a kind soul has given me a code to join the social media rapture >w>

https://bsky.app/profile/ohmagaz.bsky.social

I'm going to use this account the same way I use my Twitter account (AKA posting artworks and sometimes quick thoughts I have or attempts at being funny)

I’ve taken some time to breathe and get in an introspection concerning everything that happened in the past as well as of now, and now I think that I can come back with a cleaner state of mind. I came aware of some pitfalls I tend to fall into, and unhealthy reactions I could have had in the past. Like I said in my previous journals, I wanted to take this break as a sort of division between my past chaotic relationship with the fandom where my ignorance about who I am didn’t help either, and a more neutral state, where I don’t overthink things so much and take things as they are without trying to change them to go my way. A bunch of things will also change concerning my posting schedule, both to get more towards the direction I want in the community, as well as because of irl stuff. I’ve got a lot of things to say for whoever is interested to hear about it, so be ready for a long journal (And thank you if you’re reading it all !) You can also just directly skip to the parts that interest you.

Tl;Dr :

- I’m back ! Did some introspection during my time away.

- This account has been rebranded with a new general ambiance and fursona, and I’m thinking about doing gaming streams once I have everything ready.

- The commission process changed ; I don’t have opening or closing periods, if you want to commission me, you’ll have to fill a form, and I’ll come back to you if I’m interested in your idea.

- Exclusive Patreon commission tiers will be removed, and there won’t be monthly exclusives anymore either. The Patreon exclusive artworks will be posted on my userpage soon. WIPs, full res and discount rewards will stay.

What I learned :

I’ve learned that I tended to project my insanely high expectations of myself upon other people, and as someone who is rarely contempt with themselves, it would obviously end up with a feeling of uneasiness I’d feel towards most of the people I’ve talked to, from which I preferred to run away instead of accepting that it is just something normal and that I’m the one who expects way too much from people, on top of becoming jealous of the people who have a better situation than me. I suppose I imagined everyone had to be some sort of perfect ultra omnipotent being who knows the perfect things to do or say in every situation, and so I preferred to shift the blame on others when someone didn’t meet my extremely specific expecations. It doesn’t mean that I’ll consider everyone a close friend (I’m a cautious person who takes a long time to befriend), but I’ll keep in mind that the kind of close friend I’m looking for is much more complicated to find than I thought, and I’ll try to accept people for who they are, rather than who I want them to be.

The amount of support given by my audience as well as close friends also made me realise that I am now far from the socially anxious overjealous, possessive and attention seeking ass that I was in the beginning. Years have gone by, and I found some peace of mind despite my horrible family situation and psychological state (Which has been improving A LOT thanks to an event from the beginning of this year), and I truly want to thank everyone who got through all these years with me. I’ve lost a lot of people over time of course, but these people also helped me grow by showing me the consequences of not wanting to see or accept the harsh reality that being pitied is not the same as being recognized and/or acknowledged. I feel much safer now that I know there will always be close people who help me mature even to this day. It’s thanks to our introspection capacities that we’re able to find even the smallest ounce of kindness in here, so I’m happy to see that I can still reflect on myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still aware of the hypocritical and straight up evil nature of some individuals in the furry community, but maybe I was a little bit too paranoid and pessimistic to the point where I would consider everyone guilty by default, which is not an advisable thing to do.

I’ve always acted like I was getting constantly friendless and rejected, keeping the friends and following I actually do have under a mental rug to avoid having to deal with my own responsibility. The truth is that the attempts I’ve made were very weak. I would send one note to one or two persons I’m interested in and then get downed at it not being replied to and get back on hating. It was convenient to consider a setback like a targeted attack after all, because it would validate my thoughts and keep me from viewing things under another light. My emotions were true, I’m not saying that I made myself pitied on purpose. But I was lying to myself. I have friends who I can count on and that I have cruelly disregarded everytime I vented about my loneliness. It is easy to forget what’s the closest to you in difficult periods, but it doesn’t erase the way I refused thinking about them when it was convenient for me.

Future plans :

New me, new page ; I’ve decided to rebrand my userpage and actually give the communication that surrounds it a galaxy theme, rather than « Orang » (Nothing against that, but for a while, I’ve wanted to try and make something a little more ambitious). As you might have noticed, I’ve replaced my profile picture and banner with a new one with an actual more graphical logo, a new signature, and a new fursona that you’ve been seeing in my latest ref sheet: Yun the goat ! I’ve wanted to change my sona into a goat for a while, so now it is done :D I will keep Taro as an OC, and maybe I might draw him in the future or make renders of him (Gotta use that 3D model amirite ?), who knows, but anyway, from now on, I’m not a Lynx anymore (And I won’t be called a cat again, lol)

Other communication medias such as commission price sheets have also been changed to reflect that vibe. I didn’t change the prices, though my frequency of taking commissions will be different from before (More about that later). For a while, I’ve also thought about livestreaming as a Vtuber, but that involves an avatar which I would really like to be a 3D model, so I will either start doing streams in an unknowingly long future, to give myself some time to make a Yun 3D model as well as scene templates, or earlier than that, but without an avatar. I would like to have a simple gaming channel with no real big projects or anything, just a place to hang out and have fun. No artistic streams planned yet, as the idea of people seeing me draw makes me very uneasy, but I did ponder the idea of « Learning livestreams », where I try to get into an unfamiliar learning territory and see where that takes me. I’ve been wanting to illustrate the process of learning something new in a pretty genuine, transparent and humble way to encourage others, so maybe I’ll set this concept up in the future.

Finally, in terms of posting content, I don’t think I’ll spend so much energy to make an artwork to post each week like I’ve been doing for many months. I’ll just draw whenever I want and whenever I have an idea that I like, and we’ll see if that makes a quick rate of content or not. Gonna take it easy.

Commissions :

As stated previously, my commission process will drastically change from before, so here’s a little summary of how it’s gonna be now :


- To get a commission, you will first have to fill a form. The form includes questions about your socials, commission idea, references to send, agreements that you follow my commission rules… Basically all the information I need to have a clear idea of what you’d like. I will then contact you if I’m interested by your commission. This will help me centralize the informations about it and make sure that people come up to me with a relatively complete idea (I’m terrible when it comes to more abstract ones where I have to imagine half of it)

- I won’t open for commissions… Nor close for them. If you want to commission me, you’ll just have to fill that form, and I’ll reach out to you within a short period (I’ll try to make it one week) if I’m up to work on it. If there’s no answer after this period, consider that I either didn’t see it, or am not interested, so I’d say, don’t wait further than this week to propose your idea to other artists. I will write journals during periods where I’m particularly free to work on commissions, but you can always try sending me your idea anytime. Please don’t consider by default that I’m not interested if you’re not getting any response, I might just have been busy.

- I included a new commission type that I’ve been thinking about and that I have seen going around a bit : The experimental style commission. For a discount, you can request a picture in a different art style than the one I usually do. You can write the description of the desired art style in the commission form, or let me come up with one myself (Though I’m a bit less confident about how different the art style will actually be in that case). Of course, this commission type isn’t made to copy someone’s style and basically be a discount version of that artist. I will refuse any commission of this type which style is « Just do X’s style ». Sending the work of an artist as a reference to the desired art style is okay though.

Patreon :

Patreon will only serve as a tipping platform from now on, with no Patreon exclusive artworks or commissions. The exclusive artworks that have been made will be posted on my userpage soon, as they have been exclusive for multiple months already, and the related tiers and tier rewards have been removed. As my life situation is changing and I might not have enough free time left (I’m starting an apprenticeship as a programmer in a video game company), I prefer to cut down on the monthly stuff. I would like to thank everyone who pledged to these tiers, you really helped me feel more confident about my art and it was a pleasure to work on your commissions ! Finally, I’ll keep posting the WIPs and full resolution artworks on Patreon.

Conclusion :

I think that’s all I gotta say for now, I hope you enjoy my new fursona as well as the new look I’m giving this account ! :D Thank you all for your support, and I’m excited to start anew with a healthier state of mind.

This journal unfortunately isn't a "Comeback journal", and actually, after reading it, you might be right to assume that this break is gonna be long.

I wanted to come clean about something that happened in the past. The 2018 to 2020 period to be exact, I was either from 17 to 19, or from 18 to 20. This thing having taken place a long time ago, I’m going to try to describe what happened as best as possible, but keep in mind that there might be small time discrepancies if more details are added. I promise that my recollection of the following events is as genuine as possible.

I admit that during this time, my understanding of what could be considered "alright" for kinky talk and interaction wasn't the age of 18. Rather, it was the age of 16. Not in the "I dIDn't kNooOOoW It waS 18!!!" sense of course, it was more of an "I mean, 16 yo is basically the maturity of an 18 yo so it's fiiiine" mentality. I did seed that thought into my brain because I started to get involved in the community at this age, and some people shared foot stuff with me at that time despite knowing I was 16, stating themselves that they "Drew the line at 16". As such, I think you can guess the rest of this journal. Over these two years, I ended up interacting with a small number of minors as young as 16 year olds in non appropriate manners. Sometimes, I would be drawing their sona in fetishy scenarios, sometimes even sharing foot content with them (There was no genitals, but since the intent was obviously a certain thing... It's as if they were nude pics). Of course, its something that I'm not proud of, something that disgusts me of myself to the core and that I would delete from my life if I had a time machine. I promise this wasn't out of malice, but simply out of "Ignorance", I simply didn't think about it enough, as it was something completely normal for me at that time. As horribly dense as it sounds, in my mind from that time, they were as much as an adult as an 18 years old. People might think of it as being grooming, and while I don't think that was the case, I honestly don't know if I'm just being ignorant about this. One thing I'm sure of though is that I wasn't actively and purposefully manipulating minors. Once again, like a dumbass, I just didn't question the state of the friendship or acquaintanceship.

=============

A few weeks ago, a Twitter thread has emerged showing a telegram chat where I do admit to having engaged in such activities with a particular person who was a minor at the time, and after a bit of reflection, I figured I should give my point of view as well. Despite the thread voluntarily omitting some key points like the chronology of it all, details and argumentation, I guess that's the closest you'll have from the point of view of someone who's not me on this matter:

https://twitter.com/ZekiTilkiTheFox.....A&amp;s=19

Now, as to my point of view:

From what I remember, the chronology of events goes as follow (It was a few years ago, so it might be slightly inaccurate) :

2018-2020 = I’m in a friendship with that person and we share foot content
2020- = I stop the sharing foot content or talking about fetishy things until they turn 18 (I don’t remember if I still casually talked to them or not but I'm pretty sure there was nothing incriminating during that time) I also remove artworks featuring minors' fursonas from my gallery.
2021 or 2022- = I admit to the thread author about my actions from many years ago out of guilt. The author seems to want to imply that they « Confronted » me in their thread. The truth is, if I remember correctly, that we kind of smoothly went on that 16 year old tangent when they realised that during a moment of our friendship, I was a minor who they sent feet pics to, admittedly without knowing my age. I admitted the subject of this thread on my own later on. They then questioned me in what you now see in the thread.

Like this thread says, in my head, it was just a friendship like any other, hell, I was even projecting myself on that person and didn't want them to feel left out as much as I did, so kinky stuff swooped in the friendship because, once again, that was the matter on which I was given the most attention to when I was a minor. Eventually, in 2020, I realised that a healthy friendship with a minor shouldn't involve sex at all. I told them that I wasn't comfortable with doing such activities with them anymore, and stopped any fetish or kinky talk with them until they turned 18. I don't remember if I even still talked to them during that period actually. Of course, I also stopped having this kind of interaction with minors altogether at the same time. But the mistake was made, I realised it too late, and despite having put a stop to this mess many years ago, I wish I could turn back time with my newfound maturity to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.

=============

As to answer to people who might not understand why I'm shooting myself in the foot like that, I wanted to make this journal for four reasons:

1: In case people end up hearing about the allegations towards me, I want them to be able to read my point of view and get a broader understanding without getting influenced by potentially false information made to capitalize on this issue.
2: I don't want to lie to people who think highly of me anymore. When the Twitter thread arised, I was initially advised to not speak out, as it would die by itself, and as, while I apparently have some attenuating circumstances, people still would treat this case in a 100÷ black scenario. I initially didn't say anything, I must admit, because I was terrified, and on top of that, I didn't want to sweep up that used-to-be minor back into a story that they might not have wanted to see in the spotlight either. I asked them if they were fine with me talking about this mistake (A luxury that the person who made the thread didn't give them), to which they said yes. I still am terrified of course, but I don't want to be part of those who keep skeletons in their closet. It doesn't go by my morals, and it's a lack of respect to my audience. I've already admitted to this mistake to a few close friends, it's only fair I admit to it publicly now.
3: I want to be able to leave this behind. Ever since this mistake, a sense of dread about it showing up has become more and more frequent, and I want to get rid of this feeling for good. If I want to be moving forward from this mistake now, it's imperative that I don't hold weights from the past pulling me down. And if my account has to die because of that, so be it, at least I would have been honest, something that a lot of people I talked to and who did or still do the exact same thing don't bother being.
4: I want this to be a cautionary tale. Both for minors, AND people who might be in the same case as me, as I fucked up in both of these sides:

Minors: Be careful on the Internet. People are going to use your naivety to manipulate you, to get sexual favors from you, and you might be blinded by the attention that is given to you, think you're living something special, or that this person is "Just nice". It might be the case sometimes, I mean, that's what I was trying to be, but more often than not, these people have everything but good intentions. On top of that, you might regret what you shared a few years later. That's not my case, and that’s not the case of the person I mainly shared pics with given what they told me when I questioned them about it (I don’t know about the other ones because I don’t have their contact anymore), but it might be yours.

Adults: There is no other age where drawing the line than at 18. This golden rule wasn't respected towards me by a bunch of people, and as such I ended up sending and receiving feet pics as soon as when I was 16. In result, this rule that "Heh, 16 is actually okay" got rooted in me, and I just reproduced the same circle than the one I got swept into. I don't care about what people will think of this sentence, but I'm gonna say it from experience: Yes, you can make the sort of mistake I made by accident, and even with the best intentions in the world. So be careful about that "Just wanting to be nice" mentality. I can also say that it's very easy to think that "This person is very mature for their age so it's fine", but it's a lie your brain is making up to justify what you're doing. I didn't know better, and I myself wasn't as mature as I thought.

I fucked up big time on both sides, and, well, now you can see where it did lead. I am terribly sorry for all the disappointment that a lot of you must be feeling. It's a mistake from a few years ago that I will never forget, and that I constantly grow and mature from ever since. I accept losing people who don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore if you think this is a fitting punishment or that it’s better for your own sake.

=============

Some people might say I'm "Only sorry because I got caught", and I guess I am indeed using the occasion of the Twitter thread to come clean about it, though I do believe that I would have talked about it later anyway.

Some people might also say that the timing of me leaving and this popping up is correlated, to which I reply that I've only been made aware of the Twitter thread a few days after my leaving journal (Notice how I wasn't ed in the thread and the capital letters in my name are weirdly placed, I wouldn't even have known a thread was made about me if I hadn't been told about it), and as you can see, I'm "replying" to it only a few weeks later. And for those wondering, of course I wouldn’t be contacted by the thread author before they send the thread, I don’t hold any grudge against this fact because that’s an expected behaviour. The person who was a minor at the time was apparently not contacted before either though, so this thread is a surprise for both of us.

The mistreatment I received from the community did really happen, and the journal about my break was genuinely stating the reasons why I took a break, and to my knowledge, this past mistake wasn't a reason for the mistreatment I received, nor am I thinking and talking negatively about the community to keep that past mistake from being found. Part of me suspects that this thread was made to discredit the negative light I put on the fandom, but I also know that I’m nothing in the community to make people want to « Silence » me, which then just makes me confused as to why this thread was made, especially since the author didn’t even get the « Victim »’s point of view.

I am highly against the idea of minors browsing my content or contacting me, and you may have noticed this line was added to my userpage a few months ago (I had just forgotten to add it until I realised it), and I would prefer to never end up talking with a minor ever again, even if not on fetishy subjects. I do believe that minors shouldn’t be treated like the plague just because of their age, in fact, a big part of my maturity growth over time is thanks to the enlightening conversations I had with actually genuine adult furries while still a minor. But on the other side, I’m aware that I was just lucky to fall on that person who legitimately cared for me, and with the reputation that will now be following me, I want to keep myself as safe as possible.

Finally, I must admit that I did "censor" people who brought this matter up in various ways and places, including unrelated and unwelcome manners. I removed a comment from the person who made the thread on my leaving journal, as it was just a baseless linkless accusation unrelated to the journal, and made just out of malice (Once again, didn't know there was a thread, so I thought he was just trying to kick a sand castle and not actually trying to make a point). I also removed comments from someone who linked the twitter thread on one upload of mine, the aforementioned journal, and in a shout, because I was scared of this getting out with no possibility of defending myself. I also blocked those two people to avoid recidivism. Finally, a third person sent me a shout reacting to the thread. That shout contained false information due to a misunderstanding about it. We talked this through and ended up in good terms, and the shout is now removed. I do think I would have removed that shout even without the misinformation though.

Since 2020 though, I am an upright person and, despite some ultimately harmless arguments happening sometimes, I've got no terrible actions to feel guilty of, and since the beginning of this year, I finally feel at least a little bit of peace IRL. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly happy person, never was and never will be, but thanks to events that happened earlier this year, I'm finally able to walk forward and see a bit of a future waiting for me.

=============

I think you now have all the information needed to understand my mistakes, and its surrounding circumstances, intents, reasoning and aftermath. I'm open to answering questions in the comments, as I really want my case to be as understandable and thought-inducing as possible, for myself, and for others. Please just keep it in the comments of this journal, as it is where all the context to understand the questions is present here for readers.

I will remove comments calling me a pedophile, a predator or a groomer though, as these things are not what I am. I know it is easy to categorize things for the worst, but even for me who wants to come clean about this and agree that what I did was fucked up, these buzzword terms are only applicable to irredeemably frequent predators on the prowl, with no age limit, faith or humanity left in them. These people deserve to burn in the hottest of hells, and I'm not like these human diarrheas. I also add that I’m not attracted to minors, the actions I did were not motivated by the age of these people, as once again, it was just a lack of critical thinking on my part. I also wouldn’t accept any foot content from a person who I knew was under 16 at that time, because I was in a state of mind where «It’s only okay starting from 16»

I will also remove insulting , snarky comments, or made up lies made just to entertain a lynch mob, as they don't provide any insight for readers. Note that a message saying that you're disappointed or stating how bad of a mistake I made isn't considered insulting.

You're also welcome to send me a note if you want to keep it private. I don't recommend contacting me on any of my socials if you don’t already have me as a friend there, as it might quickly become unmanageable for me if too many people do it.

=============

As for my endeavours from now on, I am still in my break from anything furry related, so no art is to be expected, though it did come to my attention that I forgot to put one of my artworks in my last art spam. This artwork is not linking to me only, so I don’t think right now is the best moment to post it, I wouldn’t want to put this person under flames despite them not having done anything wrong. I did change my mind a bit about completely logging off of my accounts and stuff, I figured it wouldn’t be fair to completely leave close and genuine friends behind for reasons they have no control over. So for now, I’ll just be lurking as a spectator. I might not even respond to messages from people I don’t know, but I’ll try not to leave anyone on read, so I can reply to them when I decide to come back.

Once again, I am truly sorry for disappointing so many people, those years that passed after all this mess allowed me to reflect on myself and mature as a person, and I hope that after having come clean about my past, I’ll be able to start a new beginning on this account.

I've made three changes to my Patreon:

-Included a new tier: The tip jar. For 1$/month, you can support me and get access to a Patreon exclusive picture every month. It also came to my attention that there was an issue with the exclusive picture from last month. It was wrongly labeled as available from the A+ tier patrons and above, while it should have been available for all patrons. This mistake has now been fixed, I apologize for the issue and for noticing it this late. If you're a patron and didn't have access to the picture because of this mistake, or if you're a new patron and would like to see the artwork, you can see it here

-As opposed to when I posted the full resolution and WIPs on Patreon at the same time as the pics on fa, from now on, I will post my artworks, WIPs, and stories early on Patreon, which you can have access to by pledging to my Patreon with the A tier (3$/Month) for the stories and full resolution artworks, and any tier above for the WIPs.

-Added a new tag "Exclusive", so that you can easily access my Patreon exclusive pictures.

I currently have no plans of posting the Patreon exclusive pictures on fa and da. If I change my mind, it would be in a few months so I can keep my patrons well ahead in terms of the content they have access to compared to non-patrons.

With all the bullshit that fa has been throwing, I finally went around to make a linktr.ee in order to list all of the places where I can be found. I highly suggest you to follow me on these platforms on top of the other places, in case something goes wrong with my other accounts. As you can see, I have a Twitter and an InkBunny account that I recently reactivated. I'm still weighing whether or not to start posting on them, so for now, consider them as backup accounts where I'll be able to communicate in case something goes wrong on my da/fa one.

https://linktr.ee/ohmagaz

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