Though I haven't been too active on either accounts, I figured I'd say I've officially moved to  mattcatt The only thing I'll be posting on this account is my March swapsies, since I joined swapsies on this account, but otherwise all future posts will be over there.

So feel free to unwatch this account if you want.

So I figured I'd announce that my new account is  mattcatt!

However, I am not officially moving to that account until I have both swaps I am part of ( conbadgeexchange and  swapsies) completed. Since the Swapsies list hasn't been posted yet, that means it could still be a while before that happens. In the meantime I will be working on character refs for all of my main characters and posting them there. I might also post regular art there, too, but since I haven't really done any of that lately it's probably non-applicable. xP

So feel free to watch that account now if you want, just keep in mind that I'll probably be going back-and-forth between these two until everything is situated.

Lately I've been kinda feeling cubby, but I feel really sad about it because I kinda wish I had a mommy or daddyfur. But it's not that easy to find someone open and willing, and it's a relationship best developed over time. But still I was thinking of the sorts of things I'd like in a caretaker-type person, and I guess post it here because it's one of those things you can't really keep bottled up. And who knows, maybe someone will actually read this and care and be able to help.

Also I don't expect someone to 100% meet these guidelines, naturally, but the more important ones are closer to the top.

My ideal caretaker:
1. Is open to transgender people – I am FtM transgender and am working on transitioning irl.
2. Doesn't force me to change my little side/act younger than I am – my little side is five-years-old and tends to behave typical to that age.
3. Respects my personal boundaries.
4. Is good with structure, but also can be lenient.
5. Can be honest with me if they feel uncomfortable with something.
6. Respects my adult side as well as my little side.
7. Doesn't “collect” cubs. I don't mind not being someone's only cub, but when you have like a dozen others that you hardly interact with it just seems like you're more in it for the status than the actual experience.
8. Is willing to engage/play with me like I am a 5 year old.
9. Isn't too cuddly/clingy, but can offer them when needed.
10. Understands depression and similar things and knows how to handle them.
11. Doesn't require an irl relationship right away, but is okay with the potential for that.
12. Knows how to be firm and consistent with rules and things like bedtimes – I have a very hard time sticking to those things myself.
13. Is open to diapers and other things that come with that territory – I do wear them and use them for wetting, but nothing else and I don't wear them all the time. Don't have to get involved with them if you don't want to, but just know that is a part of me.
14. Enjoys getting out and exploring, particularly if our relationship moves to IRL.
15. Is patient enough to build a relationship slowly.
16. Older than me irl, probably goes without saying.
17. Preferably common interests. Some of my interests are anime, Doctor Who, animals, Pokemon, reading, and science.
18. Is capable of decent spelling/grammar if we RP online.

This journal deals with spiritual stuff, which I recognize is very subjective and not everyone's forte. So if you dislike that sort of stuff you might want to skip this one.

So some who have talked to me know that I enjoy the idea of spirituality. While I try to come across as agnostic religion-wise, I do believe that the earth has a certain spiritual quality to it. Admittedly a lot of my interest in it came after I watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, but honestly a lot of the things in that show are pretty sound.

I'm not entirely sure how to explain what happened, because I don't want to come across as simply hallucinating or being delusional. But I guess spiritual things kinda disregard that due to their subjectiveness.

So I decided to listen to a guided meditation on YouTube yesterday, and during my meditation I saw a panda. (This might be hard to describe, so apologies if I sound confusing) but basically it was like when you close your eyes and see fuzzy images... sorta... xD; There's more to it than that, but basically after I decided to look up the meaning of a panda as a spirit animal, and it basically fit really well with me right now.

So semi-pointless and confusing journal, but I really wanted to get that out. And I'm curious if any of my watchers are into spirit animals and the like? I don't know a whole lot about them but I find the concept interesting.

(Also this won't effect my two main fursonas, but I am working on a character that sorta resembles a panda.)

But the urge to abandon this account and move to a fresh one is feeling a lot stronger. Likely because I've been seeing a lot of people moving around accounts and trying to settle into their identity in the FA community. Part of me says I shouldn't care how others feel regarding something like that, because it's my identity and if it makes them uncomfortable, that is their problem. But I still fear driving people away, and I know I do that anyway for various reasons.

After reading a webcomic I've been following for a few years, I started to wonder if me changing my name makes people feel betrayed because they feel as if their relationship with Jerry or whoever has been lost. I wonder that because I feel the same in some ways, but I try to remind myself that Jerry still exists in my little worldthing and try to make sure others know that. But at the end of it all I've realized now more than ever that at the core I am Matt. This was probably inevitable, especially since I was 12-13 when I first created Jerry, but it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I think this is moving onto TL/DR and somewhat emo topics, so I'll just say that I'm considering making another new account, because I'm tired of hiding from who I really am...

Courtesy of my wonderfur brofops,  codytehfox :3 He hasn't posted the full version, so I can't link it, but it's amazering...

So with the first month of the year successfully coming to a close, and tomorrow dictating how far away spring is (if they used a blind groundhog would that be cheating?) I, once again, have set out some monthly goals for myself. I doubt anyone is interested in my boring life stuff, but as far as art goes...

1. This month I am participating in not one, but two art swaps! and ! Thankfully I have never been late on either of these before, so let's hope I can keep my clean record...

2. I'd like to get back into drawing more, and while lately I haven't had much energy to do full-on pics I've been doing a lot of sketching. So maybe I'll start posting those... ^.^;

3. I need a new icon! I haven't gotten around to drawing one for February, so I'm curious if anyone's interested in doing an icon trade with me?

I guess that's it for now. I've kinda fallen out of touch as far as activity on this site goes, but I plan on trying to do more now...

Yeah, after about a year of completely ignoring the site I decided to make a new Weasyl. It doesn't have anything on it right now, but I might draw something sometime this week. :3

Also I'm still staying here, but a lot of my friends are moving to Weasyl so I figured I'd update it...

https://www.weasyl.com/~mattcatt

So as I stated in my previous journal, I've been back on Second Life a lot more recently on a new account. On that account I managed to piece together an avatar of Matthew, which has 3 versions - a 5-year-old (which uses the "toddleedoo kid" mesh body"), a 10-year-old (which uses the standard SL body), and an 18-year-old (which is self-explanatory x3). Though my little worldthing is fairly linear in that it does have a rough "current time", I often like to daydream about what my young characters are like when they are older. So I decided to write this down partly for reference and so I don't lose it. It's not really relevant to SL because I don't consider roleplay with others to be canon to my characters' world, but still.

General info: At age 10, Matthew is in the sixth grade, which is his last year of elementary school (in his city middle school goes from grades 7-9 and high school is 10-12). He is still somewhat small for his age, standing at about 4'2", but it usually doesn't interfere with his interests. He no longer has to wear pull-ups in the daytime, although he does still wet the bed and may have an occasional daytime accident if he's not able to get to the restroom fast enough, but not frequently enough to need protection for it.

Personality: Though he retains a bit of his natural shyness from his younger years, Matthew has managed to build a small group of close friends that, combined with his loving family, allows him to be open and somewhat free-spirited, though he is still a bit suspicious of strangers. He is very curious and loves to explore and figure out new things, and as always his favorite subject is science. On the negative side, he sometimes has trouble finding a good outlet for his emotions and tends to bottle them up in favor of keeping the peace, which can result in him randomly lashing out at people for no apparent reason if it gets particularly bad.

Family life: Along with his mother Amy and father Nick, Matthew now has a younger brother (Alexander) and a younger sister (Ashley) who are twins and were born when he was 7 and are 3-years-old when he is 10. When he was younger he struggled a bit with feeling jealous towards them, having been the center of his parents' attention for seven years, but now that they are old enough to do more things he has been embracing his big brother role even more and loves being a leader/role model to them.

There's a lot more little details I could add here, but it's probably already past tl/dr for a lot of people xD; I found it interesting to think of though, because I like seeing how young characters grow and develop. :3 I might even draw him, if I can think of a good enough idea.

Hihi all, sorry I've been a bit quiet recently but a lot of the reason is that I got a new secondlife account and been playing around with it for the past few days. Though knowing me I'll probably get a bit tired with it after a while, but it's still cool for now. :3

If anyone wants to find me there, my new name is MattCatt Resident (though please tell me who you are if you add me).

Also since people are leaving a lot recently, I'd just like to clarify that I'm still here, for the better or for the worse.

Wow, so many journals from me in one day. xP

So I finally got around to attempting to download iTunes for my new laptop. I say attempting because when I go to download from their website the installation file doesn't even appear in "recent downloads" or on my desktop (where I set it to download to). I am using Windows 8, and I'm curious if anyone else has had a problem like this either recently or in the past? And if so if they know of a way to solve it.

Thanks for reading and things. :3

So I doubt many are actually that interested, but I figured I'd mention that I've added a tenth character to my main list. There are two reasons for that: 1. I have an obsession with things being an even 10, and 9 just wasn't working for me; and 2. I wanted to add a character who represents the side of me that feels pretty much genderless.

Darcy – Fennec fox – 8 – Androgynous – (None recent)
Goes by gender-neutral pronouns (generally uses zie/zir or the singular 'they') and dislikes having a gender attached to theirself due to feeling they are neither male nor female in identity. Apart from that, they behave like any other kid. Darcy primarily enjoys musical things and is learning to play an acoustic guitar.


Darcy is not a new character, but I have only drawn them once (twice if you're among the three people who know my old InkBunny account). Despite that, I feel they are the logical addition to my little list. =3

Hihi all. As some of you may know, I listen to a lot of ambient music, especially when I feel like relaxing or meditating. I don't know how many of you are also into that kind of thing, but I thought I'd share a composer who I've been a fan of for a few years and enjoy his stuff.

http://www.altusmusic.ca/

All of his music is available for free to listen and download on his website, so enjoy. ^.^

So I was working on the biographies for my characters, and for one of them (specifically Dylan) I'm having trouble coming up with a decent backstory for him. I have most other aspects down for him, but the backstory eludes me.

This made me wonder something for those of you with more detailed characters. What makes a good storyline for a character, and how does said storyline effect them? Obviously one of the main things to consider with backstory is personality, because often times they will effect each other, and for someone who is into psychology like me I can't help but try to piece together the "how's" and "why's" of things.

This is kind of a vague journal, so I doubt I'll get a massive response, but if anyone has one and wants to share feel free to.

So those who know me, know that I have a crapload of characters. In fact, a few years ago I decided to keep a list of every character idea I've ever had (basically, any character who passed the naming phase), and it ended up at several hundred characters. While that may seem extreme, the majority of them are background/side characters, or ones I never use, so the actual number of characters I consistently use is much smaller.

Having said that, I've decided to establish a "main cast" of sorts with my characters. Of these, most other characters have some sort of relation to at least one of them, or one of their relations, from the minor (goes to the same school) to the major (family/friends/partners). That's one reason I have so many of them. ^^; They don't all have pictures yet, but I'm going to be working on that this week and updating this journal as I draw them.

Also at least half of these characters have been fursonas of mine at one point or another, so they hold a special place in my heart and all of them represent some aspect of me.

Name – Age – Species – Gender - Image
Description

Matt – 18 – Red fox – Male (occasionally portrayed as FtM, but not always) - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12162328/
A young adult fox boy who is very shy and quiet most of the time, occasionally has trouble socializing and functioning in life and often seems out of it due to a history of self-imposed isolation periods sometimes lasting months at a time, though he's trying to get his life situated.

Matthew – 5 – Himalayan cat – Male - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12154274/
A kitty boy who is also somewhat shy and still wears pull-ups in the daytime and diapers at night due to a small bladder problem, but is very smart for his age and learns new things easily.

Ollie – 14 – Otter – Male - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12438767/
Very shy kid who has a fear of most people he isn't close to due to teasing he received in the past for being different. Has a lot of awkward habits and patterns and always seems to need to have something in his hands so often fidgets with his clothes or tail or plays with his fingers. He's also a TB (teen baby) but he keeps that side of himself hidden most of the time.

Jerry – 5 – Chipmunk – Male – http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12442948/
Innocent and young, but has a big fear of abandonment and being disliked by other cubs his age so tends to not speak his mind most of the time and goes with what they want, unless he's sure he won't be rejected or teased. Still wears cloth pull-ups in case of small accidents, but is mostly potty trained.

Zayne – 11 – Panda – Male - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12300046/
Purposely distances himself from others because he is afraid of being hurt by them, has a lot of emotional scars (especially for someone his age) resulting from the death of his parents when he was 5 and some events after that. Recently has been trying to open up more, though.

Dylan – Wolf – 16 – Male – http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12457672/
Very effeminate boy who often wears pink and sometimes cross-dresses, and is very open with himself and others. He isn't transgender, but he likes doing girly things. Also is a DL and wears diapers 24/7 by choice.

Aiden – Fox – 11 – Male – http://www.furaffinity.net/view/12470259/
A bookish young boy who is currently trying to navigate his preteen years and is trying to figure himself out. Very introspective and tends to think and write a lot, but sometimes has trouble putting his thoughts to speech.

Murray – Ram – 21 – Male – (None)
A nomadic musician who travels from place to place, playing harmonica for others who want to hear it. He has a genetic condition making him more the size of a thirteen-year-old, but it usually doesn't interfere with his life. He is naturally very peaceful, and is very hard to anger.

Daniel – Red squirrel – 9 – Male – (None recent)
Is paraplegic due to a car accident he was in when he was three, but he doesn't allow his situation to dampen his spirits and is a very happy-go-lucky boy who enjoys making friends and is very open to other people.

Darcy – Fennec fox – 8 – Androgynous – (None recent)
Goes by gender-neutral pronouns (generally uses zie/zir or the singular 'they') and dislikes having a gender attached to theirself due to feeling they are neither male nor female in identity. Apart from that, they behave like any other kid. Darcy primarily enjoys musical things and is learning to play an acoustic guitar.

I really want to get back into the swing of things, because I'm still trying to recover from my little isolation episode back in October-November, so I've decided to start posting to-do lists of things I want to achieve every month, art-wise. These are in no specific order, but non-personal projects (trades/swaps mainly) are at the top, but I may still complete other things before them.

Matt's to-do list:

1. My part for  conbadgeexchange
2. Matthew's reference – I had this totally completed before my old laptop died ;w; Although I do have the old sketch and looking at it, some of the anatomy is weird so I might redo it completely.
3. Matt's reference – Hadn't started on this one, was planning to after I do Matthew's.
4. Clothing guide for Matthew – Again haven't started.
5. “Character info” pics – Basically I was looking at a lot of my characters and kinda trying to decide who I want to integrate into my “main cast” so-to-speak, most of them have been fursonas of mine at some point.
6. “Back to school” pics for Matthew, Zayne, and Jamie – Since I enrolled them in  lpes I've been wanting to do something like that, but I don't know what exactly.
7. “January Rain” pic – Some may remember last year I made a challenge to myself to find a song for each month and draw a pic to that song. It didn't go well last year, but I'm trying it again this year.
8. Tablet practice pics – I got a tablet for Christmas and have been practicing with it on-and-off, just little sketches to get me in the hang of using it. There's still a lot I need to learn about it though so tips would be appreciated (and I use SAI).

Yep yep, sorry I haven't been too active lately but I've been distracted by other things. But still I wanted to drop in and say happy new year! ^.^ I might even draw something today, if things work in my favor...

From me to all of my friends and watchers! I know most of you will probably end up nuking all of these journals, but whether or not you see it I hope you have a great day!

How are you? What do you think Santa's gonna bring you for Christmas (or whatever your holiday's equivalent is)? Do you like candy canes? If you don't can I have your share?

Idk, random journal to get the long one off my page. xD

I wrote this while FA was down in an attempt to better explain/understand my little side. It's a tad long, but it did help me a lot with better understanding myself. ^.^

Recently I've been reading around FA and observing various people within the cub community, and how being a cub has shaped their identity (and vice-verse). It's interesting that a concept so simple could have such diversity, but I suppose the same can be said for any subculture (or in our case, sub-subculture x3). I said a while back that I intended to make a journal describing what being a cub means to me and the sorts of things cub me desires, but that's always been difficult because up until recently I considered my identity to be very fluid, and even now when things have settled a bit I still find myself shifting from various different “modes”, like a car occasionally shifting gears. So I guess I'll start with the basics, and go from there.

Who are you in cub form?
My cub fursona is a 5-year-old cat boy named Matt (although I call him Matthew to distinguish him from another fursona of mine) who lives in a loving family with both of his parents, and although he is their only child he has a close extended family to make up for it. He is very bright for his age and learns new things very quickly, allowing him to be moved up to first grade from kindergarten. He is very shy around strangers because he still needs to wear pull-ups due to a small/over-active bladder problem (which I will mention more about later), but once he warms up to them he is very open and loyal as a friend. On the flipside, he can also be a tad clingy, and struggles with separation anxiety and a slight fear of being alone for extended periods of time.

Occasionally when he is stressed or upset, Matt will regress mentally to about age 2-3. In this state he becomes a lot clumsier with his motor and speech skills, has accidents more frequently, and absolutely refuses to be left alone. Usually these moments only last for a little while and he reverts back to his normal self with a bit of coaxing.

What do you want as a cub?
Essentially what any 5-year-old wants. I don't always want to be coddled and love to be able to explore my growing independence within the safety of whoever is taking care of me. I am not a baby and will most likely complain if I am treated as one, because I am very proud of the things I am able to do. I don't mind being helped by an adult if I ask for help, but if not I prefer to work things out for my own. I do best with caretakers/grown-ups who can respect my boundaries and isn't afraid to play and have fun with me, but still retain their parental (or whatever) role around me.

Why are you a cub?
Most of the people who I interact with regularly know that I am FTM transgender, which I think plays a big role in my cub self. In my early childhood, particularly around Matt's age, I didn't really have many friends because I was different from most of the other kids, and so I immersed myself in a world of imaginary friends, computer games, and other fantasy. My parents were very loving and did their best, but even they weren't substitutes for real friends my age, and as a result I was a bit detached from others (although it really didn't become apparent until a lot later) and feel as if I grew up too fast.

Even as a child I'd often daydream of being younger, and longed to go back to a time when things were easier and I was less self-aware. But over time I've wanted to move forward rather than linger in the past. Matt is sort of my attempt at that by giving him the childhood I feel I missed out on. He is biologically male which eliminates a lot of problems I had, and is less afraid of the world than I was/am. He still has his little quirks and bits from my personality, but he is free to live out his life without any of the major stresses I've had in my life.

Diapers (and related)
Of course like the majority of those in the cub community, a lot of my cub identity is based on an interest in diapers. I might even consider it one of the main factors in who I am in the community as it was how I discovered it, but it's not one I choose to linger on because I feel there is more to being a cub than the sort of underwear I wear. I have worn them IRL and enjoy doing so, and while I admit they can be sexual for me at times, more often than not I simply wear for comfort.

Matt wears pull-ups for most of the daytime, but wears diapers at night or during long car trips. I prefer them to diapers as I enjoy the sort of freedom they bring – with diapers one is forced to use them, with underwear one is forced to use the potty. I try not to use them, though, because I'm big, but sometimes I can't help it. That being said, I only wet them and dislike messing and would prefer it not be discussed around me. I am also not into forced diapering and would prefer that be respected.

Conclusion
So this might be a bit long-winded for some people, but as anyone who knows me well can say, I have a bad habit of trying to over-analyze parts of myself and when doing so can come off as a bit... eh, clinical? I don't really know the word. But I thank anyone who's read this, and all of my friends (cub or otherwise) for being awesome. :3

Also I recognize that some things I've said here might go against what some people feel as cubs, so I will say that this is all based on my experience, which is individual and that I recognize people feel and want different things, which is what makes the community so nice and diverse.

So yeah, bye for now,
Matt :3

got it fixed

Gonna see if i can salvage it but if I'm not on for a while that's why.

And I'm gonna be pissed if I lose all my files... Wwhy do I always seem to mess things up?

(sent this from my 3ds)

*falls asleep*

What's going on? I went on a hiatus, then fell off the face of the earth, practically. Well, the reason I started the hiatus is different from the reason I'm posting this journal. It's funny how things change. There are several things I want to cover here, so it will probably be TL/DR for some. So it doesn't make my page extremely long, I've decided to save it in a sta.sh file on DA and paste the link here -

http://sta.sh/06cn3pv072o

Also, as I feel it relates to what I've said here, I feel I should mention that I've been reading up on the Avoidant Personality Disorder subtypes, specifically self-deserting, and although I can't diagnose myself based on a paragraph on the internet, a lot of this sounds shockingly similar to the things I've felt -

-Self-deserting avoidant - including depressive features

A clear example of the influence of different personality domains is found in this last subtype of avoidant patterns. Self-deserting avoidants combine the social (interpersonal) retreating of the avoidant with the ruminative (cognitive) self-devaluation of the depressive personality. These individuals immerse themselves in a surrogate fantasy existence to avoid the discomfort of having to relate to others. They are not, however, unaware of their use of these tactics (unless, for example, they are concurrently experiencing a major depressive episode with psychosis), and this makes them painfully aware of their perceived inadequacies. Fantasy gradually becomes less effective, and their thoughts center more and more on the misery of their lives and the anguish of past experiences. Waking dreams are displaced by painful ruminations. Thus totally interiorized, the feelings that motivated their initial withdrawal reverberate unremittingly. More and more, they cannot tolerate being themselves and seek to completely withdraw from their own conscious awareness, an existential abnegation of selfhood. As this process proceeds, selfdeserting avoidants become outside spectators, observing from without the drama of their frightening transformation.

Got too much on my mind. Not that it matters, since I don't really have much of a presence on here anyway, but in case anyone starts wondering.