I'm going to be adding a couple stories I've written up here. One of them is an abdl story, so don't read it if that's not your thing. The other one is essentially an isekai.

I'm trying to get more into writing, but it is going to be really, really tough for me to do! So if you like my stories the best thing to do is give me positive words!

So, wow. So much has changed in four years and I just...can't believe how different my life has become.

I've realized there's a LOOOOT of things I'm into that I've kept repressed for a very, very long time. And with those memories out of lockdown, I am realizing it explains why I like what I like.

I won't go into specific details here, as I'm still not comfortable with the WHOLE WORLD knowing what I'm into, but if you follow me on Twitter, you should be able to tell from who I follow and what I comment on!

Speaking on my transition: I get Ma'amed more often now. I....I dunno. My brain is all fuzzy in a good way right now.

Also, if you know what Shine is, its a very very good graphic novel to read. 10/10 recommend if you're into that sort of thing

So yesterday I discovered the Housepets comics.

Yes, I'm still around. Hoping to get back into writing soon. Perhaps drawing. Lord knows I've got enough traumatic experiences to get out through artwork.

Currently around 5 months into my transition from man to woman.

I;m even feeling the music in my hea teling me that I need to get up onto the building to make more monouments for the robotic aesenmal to come up and delete all those who woud no give themselves ov er to the darkness ofi the side. They need tyo keep going forward so they cna all fight once again and holy shit the keys. the keys. the keys have taken on a dduifferent texture so I really don' tyknow if yoyu'll be able to really understand any of this but aaI feel ....I feel lie there are beuings around me. A tree tgrybnj with a cat and withcches. Sitting here, doing nothing but peace. Learning their artts. Hmm? THi one behind me wsixhds o gxzh ndllo go hou zn cxzh ghgzg she mae it safely I'm sorry for it taking so long.}}Uuhhhh...I don' geven know what U"m doing here ribht gnow, but

Thety need more swaffles so they can bring in the mchanical equipment and stage it all over the shop and no, that goes over there why the hell would you decie to put it here. No, I don't need that obver thre, just put that device over in teh left hand corner. Seems that miisssses maszdg4r is back. Why don'y uou ho deal with him while I take care of dcimmunicuating with outr illustrious hosst. We don't have tyhat much tyime mlefty if our calculations arte to be believed.k
KWell I'm her.
Yes, you are. Why do ou waig so lon go gak hour medicine? I mean it ain't like it hurtgs you. It brings you good fun times.

I 3q3I wait becaise I don't want to fqll down a kpat where I can't get bqc kout. you know/\

wE DO KNOW. utt you should still be up here with us. We can elp. Le us help hyou. OOOOOHHHHHHholoy....UII'm surrounded b all these technologcal marvels.....I...I don't know anmyyire, but.....X.X

I'm hearing shit. THe screen is dancing

bang bang bang ban hooot....bang bang shooooooo (Note: I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea where this came from. The rest of the stuff I have some memory of posting. But not this. It wasn't even relevant to any conversation)

Unfortunately, I think doing anything but staring at a static screen makes it seem to go away. I cantill get the feel of the keyboard to change, nd feel like Im actually someplace I am really not and ohl y shit my body can't stop moving. WOw, look over there unique exsxercizing machines looselhy based off of Tron . The new movie. OOoh, look ocwe rhwew, what is that thing in the sky? I wonder if they want us? Do they want me? Or is it you they want? Are they here to probe us, or atre they going to just say hi then be back on their merery way? Well, theres really only one way to twll but that's not going to happen tonight. Tonight it is time for sleep.

AdAnd that is how my keyboard sshifted from an surgical feel to a more western feel. HOly shit. I'vew got synthasesia!

And now for the icing on the cake. The "Cum gills" as it were.

like the loudest sound of blue. Like the smell of the color paprika.

Can I get some input on these? I'd like to know if anyone actually reads them...

Here's another one from last night. What the hell was going through my head?

Symbiotic Snake Queen🏵🔰, [23.07.17 07:55]
"When? When will we go there?" She asked, looking around as the room started to melt around the and change shape around them. "What's...what's happenng....is this because of my medication" She asked, finding herself unable to stop typing. "Please....tell me the frogs made it...." She seeemd delirious all of a sudden, talking abou tthings that made little to no sense. "But then there's him. He's the most important thing to me right now," And she leaned against his chest, whining a littlea as she rubbed at her belly. I...wnt his gift inside of my body. Even if it means I would die, I want to be so close to you I wan tto e a part f him, I want to be so close.: She melted down into the floor of the cavje, and the next thing they knew they were un a shiooung mall."We;re here g=ti get sime mire...hyman lke scents. This is a human k=zone, but humans whi vkew is as very esoteric beings that ar here to..." And it was ath that point that hr words became hard to decipher. The entire ddiemsnion around he began to destabilie,some areas swellng down o=towrds the center. With a shap, Rania lookr up and dfrooeze at seeeing Nylitis. :Uhhhh....whats going on?" And why ar all these thnigs here😏]\

Symbiotic Snake Queen🏵🔰, [23.07.17 08:03]
"But...why would I be cosmic tripping? I..." ashe looked over at her mate and noticed that suddenly she could see everything beyond him As if she could see the land he comes from. A s if she could see hestepw he climbed to ecome who he was. "Shit that music off!" And she whines, clugtching at her ears in pain, head turning this way and that to discover teh source of the evil music. SAhe just clumpled down into a pile of worthless kitty fur, brought down by A SIMPLE SYNTHETIC orchestra. "I FEEL NOT SO GOOD." sHE SAID, AND COLLAPSED TO THE FLOOR, PAWS RISING UP AN TRYING TO FIND SOMETHING TO GIVE YOU. aND OYOU WILL BE REQUIRED TI CONSTENT TO US GIVING YOU." rAINA WHIMPEREDA ND DOUBLED BNACK, HER PAWS BEGINNNIN T GLOW. "wHAT....wHAT IS HAPPENING....nYLIITS....nYLITIS....wHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Symbiotic Snake Queen🏵🔰, [23.07.17 08:10]
Raina scooted further into his body, grasping at his sheat and stroking it fur support. "I feel like there's a million things in my life, and I can' ttsee a single thing of them and hoy shit what am I going to do, I can't just stop it.." She gave a little sigh, and wrapped her arms around his waist and just waited. SWaited for a second or two then began to descend onto Brads a he is. I"My love.....what his happening to me.....I see everything and feel....I fee everything too." Shd began to fidget on her bed, thrashing her legs slowly. Nylitis....my love....I love you....THnak you....gtake care of the road, it is falling apart and oh the paino too. It needs tuning. Wait, what are you all staring at? It's 8 AM and I'm awakuooning alreadsdy and just....nyaaaaaah." She mumbled out and kicked at the ground with her feet. "Tou look handsom like that, too. Tou xN FWR OUR OD RHW PIErw EMOE ID i Hcw ro. A qht nor A.....K

I have no idea what I was trying to say in that last post. But yes. There you go, me tripping during RP. What makes it hilarious is I'm semi-coherent during this!

So I was recently prescribed a new medication brand-named Sonata. It is a sleep aid that *really* does help. I asked my sleep doctor for a metaphorical sledgehammer to the head. They didn't give that to me. Oh no, they gave me a MAC Truck to the FACE at 100 MPH. Why am I breaking my silence to report this? Because after I take my Sonata, these are some of the things that I type out to friends:

"Like I am one with the universe.....yet completely separated from it t the same time. ican see the stone figuers dancing their dance of war, getting ready to attack from both sides nd drinve the emperor home before he can eveb have a hance to escape."

"No actual tripping today either, though I am starting to feel perhaps a little bit loopy. Probably from the Sonata but who can be sure? All I know is that I'm very very tired and should be heading of to bed, but I at the same time want to stay up and hang with friends even if those friends are just online here on Telegram. I don't even know what the fuck it is I'm saying anymore. Well, fuck. What am I going to o now" I think I just passed the fuck out but there's nothing I can do about it. But why is this such a thing What would happen if the trile combat rifle were to lose its scope? What if we lost the war? Would dragons fly high in the sky again, kidnapping helpless little maidens Only now, its not going to be just women. It will be men, too. And the adult virgiuns especially. Nobody can know why, but the number eight eems orihetuc sinebiw. And yes, this is my ooist to you about how loopy my Sonata makes me"

"Well, I distintly remember shoving a dik into the earth and spoing////"

"g==Right now I m sitting befre a wild hoard od dragons A blood red dragon covered in further shades of red squris hs way int0 the roomj. HW FROWNS AT THE HU,AN AND SIGHS WITH DISDAIiibY="

"Raina just sighed as she took in teh slimy trip to her room, and looekd around at teh worlds of the unuverse creating abstract shapes all around her. "I am not to figure thisuue out." She suddenly foun herself lay on the bed of a three queenbed White silk and blck lace are everywhere And it seems that someone has come to playk. She aears to be the one that only the scinetic side needs to know abihht but the other side needs to get iut o fthe way so the science side can do their things and build to win ad kget all of our rugs from where they are and brein ghten u0 here al before the other ones funid us."

"Raina eeped....and shot him a goofy grin, laying against his muzzle and looking around at everything around her. "Oh wow.....So many intesring shapes and sights....I can feel like my memories are becoming threedimensional right now....and tacticce to boot.]'"

"''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''';;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;LPPPPPP;LPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''';K;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK"

"12iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwh2vvhwpwqvdwwVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVER-7R;L["

"Raina grinned, and shrunk herselfe more....then teleported herself into his heavy sac. "Gonna take a bath before bed, Papa Dragon." My, she certainly was in a mischevious mood!"

And now, last but definitely not least, MOTHER FUCKING CUM GILLS.

"Raina just grinned, and settled in, giving herself a pair of cumgills so she could sleep snugly into his sac. After a few minutes, once she was passed out, she would teleperort herself back to his crop, covered in his cum, inside and out, and snoring cutely. ((On that note, good night and sleep well when yuo do.))"

So yeah. I think I'm going to really like this new medication. If anyone is interested in seeing more trippy thoughts, I would love to do a journal series titled "My Midday Sonata", updated weekly with direct copy-pastes of my various odd ramblings.

EVERYTHING above is copied and pasted *Exactly* as I typed it, no typo correction. I'm normally quite a coherent typist, but apparently not so when I take my sleeptime meds!

Not sure if anyone still follows me or not, but I am still around. I just wrote a four page chapter of a new series I want to work on involving a certain kind of gooey snake. Nothing as on the money as the original creator of these snakes intended, but still a very, very nice spin involving transformation, mind control, gender bending, mild corruption, seduction, and some old-fashioned romance between a man and a snake dripping pink slime!

I do apologize about my silence here on FA. Life had taken a big turn for the worse, but I am very happy to say that I am now doing much better. I'm living in Portage, Indiana with my Master, and I hope to be starting my transition to being a female soon.

I will try to get on here more often, but I make no guarantees.

So two days ago my Landlady calls me. Long story short, she threw *EVERYTHING* I owned in my apartment in the dump. I threatened to sue her if she was telling the truth. Her response? "You can sue, but I'll counter-sue for the rent you owe me."

Go ahead and counter sue, you evil fucking bitch. I had my fursuit in that apartment. I had my guitar in that apartment. I had my convention-exclusive clothing in that apartment. I had my SOCIAL SECURITY CARD in that apartment. AND MY FUCKING BIRTH CERTIFICATE. How'd you like it if I came into YOUR house and threw everything in IT AWAY JUST BECAUSE THERE WERE GOD DAMNED BUGS IN THE KITCHEN?!

Yes. This has me pissed off. No, I don't show it because I know that I can win the court case. The simple fact of the matter is: She did not go through the courts or the Sheriff to have me legally evicted, she did not provde me written or verbal evidence of removing my belongings. She called me that morning, then less than 8 hours later, threw it all in the trash. Thanks.

So now I'm hoping I can get some people to donate some money to me so I can at the very LEAST get my fursuit back. I can get back my social security card and my birth certificate on my own. But my fursuit that :usershikakaka: made is almost completely irreplaceable. Not to mention the Rainbow Dash head that Steel the Warrior sold me.

Anyone who wants to help by providing legal advice would be welcome to do so as well. I live in Iowa, so that's the Landlord/Tenant Tenancy law you should look up.

There was no written rental agreement, despite my asking for it to protect HER and MYSELF (I stressed the her part with her when I moved in middle of last year), I was about 1000-1500 behind on rent.

And to those who say I could have gone to the dump to get my stuff back, no. I couldn't. The landfill my county uses dumps everything into one pile, then bulldozes it into a trailer, which is taken who knows where and dumped. It's long gone, and I'm -NEVER- getting it back.

I'm serious. All I own now is my computer, my two monitors, my tablet, a cell phone, one change of street clothes, three sets of work clothes, my headset, my car, cats and cat-related stuff. That's pretty much it.

Please. I know I've asked for help before, but this time, I actually kind of need it. Whether you want to donate to help offset legal fees, or want to donate to help me get some of my stuff re-purchased, bless you and may the deity/deities you believe in bless your life. Thank you.

If you are interested in joining an online form of the popular roleplaying game Pathfinder, please send me a Note here on FA and I'll give you teh link and time/times for the campaign!

It will be fantasy, and I have a few home-created races you can play as. Yes, I have designed a race specifically for furries.

So I've been browsing  thelonecrow's artwork, and I have to say. Their work with avians and wings is flawless. They all look so amazing! If you have an avian character that you would like drawn, you may want to consider commissioning them!

Additionally, their work with slime and goo is a rare treat to see. Wonderfully drawn, and the the artwork is very tasteful. I can feel the feelings that go into each one of their works.

Lastly. I'm not getting paid, I'm not getting free art, or anything of the sort. This is just a random shout out to an artist I'm coming to enjoy more and more.

Also...I'm considering shifting my fursona a bit to a more...gryphonlike...state. Oh no, not a pure gryphon! But  stormgryphon has shown me how awesome gryphons can be and...well, it wouldn't hurt to have a gryphon character, would it? ;)

I have no comment on the chlorine exposure at MFF 2014. Please direct all questions and inquiries to the appropriate channels.

I will say I am feeling very well health-wise. :)

My job schedule changed. New company took over the company I work for, and I have to get my area IMMACULATELY clean for them. Despite the other areas we work in needing to also be cleaned (Which they won't). Landlady showed up while I was talking to my boss, she needs rent from last month AND this month.

All this happened as I was sitting down to enjoy my waffles. I just want to shut my light off, quit my job, and hide in the darkness until its all over. I need so much help, and the only way I can get that help is to keep on with this shitty job so I can get the funds I need to move.

Nobody seems to really truly understand what this job does to me. Its not just stress. It's bordering on emotional abuse because of the way I feel some days. I leave that place, come home, and want to kill myself. I know I won't, but that doesn't change the fact I want to. That's not how a job should make you feel.

Yep. Today's my birthday. I've had a handful of people wish me a happy birthday, and I'm willing to bet not a lot of people are going to wish me a happy birthday tonight at work. To those of you that do, thank you. It does mean a lot to me.

As the title says, I'm in need of a room at the convention for Thursday night. I'll sleep on the floor if I have to, but since my roommates aren't getting there until Friday, I'll need a place to sleep. If anyone knows of anyone who has an open spot on their floor, I would much appreciate it. I don't snore, rarely talk in my sleep, and overall would be quiet as a mouse.

So I was at work and suddenly this pops into my head.

I'm gonna fuck some fags.
Got 20 dollars in my pocket.
I-I'm a huntin'
Lookin' for a gummer.
This is fuckin' awesome.

You'll wear your grandma's clothes.
You'll look adorable.

And that's all I've got.

Am I a bad person?!

I don't even know what to put here. Maybe I'm just overly tired, but...

Aside from my Master, who I love very much, it seems the only times I've ever found someone interested in me was either crazy or only wanted what's between my legs. Is it really too much to ask to find someone relatively local to me that I can get close to, let them get to know the real me, and occasionally, like, every month or every other month, spend the night in their arms? I'm a social butterfly. That one butterfly that doesn't know how to fly like all the others, but still wants to be a part of the group.

Maybe I'm just lonely, but is it really that much to ask to ahve someone to lay next to me at night? Everyone seems to think that just because I have a dick I want one th ing, and its sex sex sex. Honestly, while sex is nice, I can get off just fine on my own. If I know the person I'm with isn't enjoying themselves, I can't really honestly get off. I mean, I can finish, sure, but it wouldn't be...fulfilling, as it were. When I lay with someone, which is hardly ever, I'm laying iwth them because they've c hosen to lay with me. I want to make them feel good, even if it means I get left hanging.

I don't know. Like I said, I think I'm just...really lonely...

It doesn't matter if you are white, black, gay, straight, jock, nerd, brat, stupid, smart, fat, thin, jewish, christian, pagan, wiccan, et cetera.

Titles are only words attributed to you by others to give them a reason to hate you. That's all it boils down to in the end

So it doesn't matter what you are, you are YOU. Don't let others try telling you who you are, because only you can decide that. If you can't decide it, seek out a good counselor who will help you to find yourself.


Powers that be know that I need to...

If anyone wants to hang out - not that I'm expecting many people to want to hang out with someone like me - leave a comment here and Note me your contact information. I had to get a new phone because I lost all my contacts when my phone broke. Thanks. I also have a new number for a while.

I know a couple of people read these, whether it is because I link it to them or they legitimately care, but...

Why bother telling your so-called "friends" how you are feeling at the moment in a publicly-viewable journal if they won't even read it? I mean, reading it and staying quiet is one thing. I can udnerstand that, I do it too. But I get the feeling lots of my friends don't even read what I put here.

I need help, guys. I need input, I need to know I have friends I can count on to offer me support and advice when -I- need it, especially when I stop giving it because I need to start giving it to myself...

What brought this on? A bout of depression from out of nowhere, wherein I'm asking myself why I don't know who I am. Why I don't know where I want to go in life.

I do it to myself, no matter what it is I do. I'm in this dark place once again, through my own decisions in life. When I do good in one area of my life, it is because I'm taking focus from another area of my life, where I begin to fuck up and make bad decisions.

It's cost me jobs.

It's cost me lots of money.

It's cost me a roof over my head numerous times.

The sad thing is, I -know-. DEEP DOWN, I -KNOW- what it is that I need to do. But there's this little four letter word that is worse than any of the other four letter words. This word grips me in its iron clutches. It whispers to me in the dark, tainting the shadows of my mind and allowing them to fester and spread, like a bad disease.

This word is fear.

During a spiritual adventure, guided by Steel the Warrior, I discovered something about myself that I did not realize until I saw it. I'm the scared oddball kid in the hallway in school. I'm the guy dressed effeminately, standing all alone, silently crying out for help. Silently crying out for someone to offer them a hand. I'm the guy dressed in bright, rainbow-like colors, standing out yet blending in to the background. Standing out in all the wrong ways, blending in, in all the wrong ways.

Recently, because of my poor decisions in life, I've begun to spiral the proverbial drain. The diving board. The cliff. My emotions have been slowly tanking for a while now. I've cried in front of people I swore I would never cry in front of.

I've cried for many reasons. Because I'm emotionally unstable. Because I just can't take the "yelling" anymore. Because I can't decide how to properly express how I feel. And you know how I feel after I get done crying? The little voice in the back of my head jumps up and says, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Men don't cry."

I'm not a man. I know this. But yet my father seems to have drilled it into my head that "men are men, women are women". I love my family to death. I really do. But at the same time, I wish things had been different growing up. I wish my dad wouldn't have drank and let me see how he treated my mother. I wish my mother had made better financial decisions, so I could have a reputable basis for my own financial decisions (It may seem like I'm blaming her for my inability to control my finances, and in a way, I am. But I will also acknowledge that only I can help myself, whether that's reaching out, or relying on myself like I know I shouldn't do).

I was always the black sheep of my family. If something went wrong, it was automatically my fault. If something went right, it was my sister's doing....

I need help. I really, really need help. But..oh god....I don't know how to get the help I need, because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of chasing away the ONE person I (*Begins crying again at this point*) care most about. The ONE person who is the shining light chasing away the demons of my head.

Someone...anyone...please let me know you've read this...tell me what I should do...because at this point I can't..I just..I don't even know anymore. No matter what I do, I'm always screwing up.

In addition...I'm either too nice or I'm an asshole. I can't find that middle ground where I can be just selfish enough, and just selfless enough. I care too much about what others think. I get so caught up in making others happy, and giving of myself, I wind up damaging myself. I wind up breaking connections to others. I wind up, again, in the same place every. single. time. Alone. In the dark. Afraid.

I hate my job. I hate my life. I hate the fact that my boss honestly believes that I don't have any mental disabilities/handicaps/there's nothing wrong with me. I hate the fact that he tells me what I did right, THEN launches into what I did wrong. I hate the fact that he refuses to try helping me in a way I see fit. I'm sorry if you don't want to look at what I write down for what i do all night, including times and everything. I'm sorry that you don't want to make what I consider "Reasonable Accomodations" for my employment here. I hate the fact that I can't seem to make any new friends because I come on too strong. I hate the fact that I can't figure out my own gender. I hate being so far away from my Master, despite the fact that I'm closer to family. I hate everything right now, but you know what? Everyone else is far more important than I am, so that's okay.

I try to do right. I'm wrong. I try to reach out to ask how to do right, I'm turned away. I try to step out of my comfort zone when I try to make new friends, it gets shoved back in my face almost every time. I hate the fact that I'm so cynical and self-centered. I hate that my outlook on life has gone from the glass is full to there is no glass anymore. I hate that I'm addicted to cigarettes. I hate that my coworkers get away with doing a half-assed job and leaving everything for me, knowing I have to get it all done when my boss gets in, because he'll just shout at me and you'll get off scot-free. I hate the fact that, despite trying what I consider my best, it is still not good enough. I hate that I can't find a job anywhere else.

Yes, I hate everything.

I'm beginning to feel like a terrible, horrible person inside a little more each day. And you know why I think that is? Because I try to reach out for help in my own way and nobody seems to realize it. Because the few times I do decide to say, "Me me me me me" are the completely wrong times.

I hate that I can't live up to my word. I hate that I'm far too caring, and I'll say anything to make someone happy, and do almost anything as well. I'm sorry, genuinely sorry, that I don't have it in my heart to say no to someone when they ask something of me, even if it makes me uncomfortable to say yes. IT gets me in more trouble than if I would just say no.

You know what I want? I want someone to have. I want someone to hold. I want someone I can honestly work my tail off to help support, so when I get off work after busting my ass I can snuggle up to them and not be judged. Not be told what's wrong with me from their point of view. Someone who will just hug me and tell me, "It's okay."

I'm beginning to think maybe I need to develop another personality. A "little" personality. Someone I can change into when I'm overly stressed. Maybe then I'd finally be able to escape the games and politics of every single damn job out there and get disability, which is what I probably need. I hate that I need medication just to function, and despite reaching out for help with finances, Is till make the same dumbass decisions and wind up with no money to pay for said medication.

I also realy, really hate that I discovered something about myself. I -am- an alcoholic. When I get stressed, I really, really want to drink. And not just to unwind. To get shit-faced. To get so drunk I can't walk straight. I think the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end and becoming a raging alcoholic, as it were, is I've seen what it did to my dad.

So, in summary, I'm a terrible person. I lie, cheat, and steal every second of my life ((According to my boss, and probably others think taht but are too damn nice to say it). I'm incredibly lazy, not mentally challenged at all....

And I hate everything in my life right now.

This time there's nothing you can do.
You've fallen prey to your sickness, to my flu.
The time is gone, your life is mine.
Don't bother me with your pitiful whine.

Rejoice instead, for your life starts again.
For now you belong to me, and my domain.
One more for the troops, one more for the masses.
Now we can celebrate in our enemies' ashes.

You think you are in heaven? Oh, my dear.
Look around you, the truth will be made clear.
This is hell, your brand new home.
Look over there, at the glowing tome.

It lists your fate, it lists your desire.
Your fate is reconnaissance by fire.
Your desire is to never feel death.
Through this, you will take that last strangled breath.

(Long beat with many drops, each one getting more and more quiet, until the beat is slower, but still aggressive as before)

Now you lay fallen on your knees.
Your throat is slit for all to see.
You have proven your worth, proven your game.
Your name is on my tome, for all to proclaim.

Return to hell. Return to your home.
You have done your job, my dear Jerome.

A little thing I wrote up while listening to this while keeping some of  Zenuel's music in my head.

I'm extremely depressed right now, and stuff at work really isn't helping. I can't just up and leave, because nowhere else in the area is hiring. Add on top of it my gender identity issues I'm dealing with, and you've got one dark place to be in.

There's other stuff going on inside of my head that I really don't even want to talk about with anyone except a very select few, because I don't want to get the wrong reaction from people...

Gods, I need so much help.

I made a new friend over the past weekend, a girl who has shown interest (And has become) in becoming my "little girl" (More on this later, possibly). That's just so you know who she is, and how much she is going to get to know me.

Already she knows about my life story as far as my gender identity issues go. She knows that I have trouble with my dad, and my relationship with him.

Right now I sit here, makeup on my face, all dressed up, and yet I still feel very...uncomfortable. At the root of it all is the impossible-to-happen fear that my dad is going to burst through the door. I don't think I could even talk to him right now on the phone.

When I was at IFC, I realized something, thanks to Steel the Warrior. I'm that kid that everyone passes in the hallway, silently screaming out to be recognized and accepted, but too shut off from the world to verbally reach out and ask for the help they need.

I've been to see counselors. I've even been to see one really, really good counselor for my gender identity issues. I left with even more questions then I went in with. I came to him dressed up, I came to him like a normal male. I even went in once and changed in the office area, just to see how I would feel, what felt more natural.

The thing is, I don't really know what feels natural. I have my style I like, I have clothes I like to wear. But living where I do? I can't really even step outside my door and feel accepted because everyone in this city knows who I am. I've been all over, everyone knows me as "that straight kid" to use a term.

Just...I don't know...