I wanted to write a short journal about why I’ve sorta disappeared again. Readers should know that I’m not writing this journal to garner attention or sympathy but more-so out of simply wanting to journal.

For longer than I’d like to admit, I’ve been battling the severe depression side of my numerous mental health problems. This causes me to have almost zero interest/motivation/joy in doing anything aside from waiting through days and hiding in my room. I’m still working and still taking my meds and seeing my therapist. The little, I do mean little bits of sunshine or light, or dare I say, happiness mostly occur from spending money on food or collectibles (which I really don’t need.) After the novelty has worn off, things sit there nearly forgotten. I have no desire to finish any art I’ve started and my drawing tablet, like much of my living space, is collecting dust. My place is like the back rooms of a museum.

Not everything is bad. After years of waiting to get into affordable Ketamine treatment and after around 2 months of jumping through hoops for the approval process, it’s finally happened. I’ve attended three treatments already, but so far, there’s been no progress in breaking out of the grasp of a very difficult-to-treat depressive disorder.
I’m remaining optimistic and grateful that I’m able to have this treatment and haven’t given up on eventually seeing it’s benefit.

I’m so fortunate to have the small friend group I have on here and everyone has been a great comfort to me. Thank you!

There’s so many things I want to do if and when I am able to break this depressive paralysis. I don’t expect to be fixed. I know I’ll have to still work on myself a lot in a long-term treatment plan. For the time being at least I take confidence that I’m exploring new options for being in better mental health.

❤️Bogie❤️

I thought I’d write another update journal since I’m not feeling very well.

The other day, I noticed I had taken the last dose of a medication I’ve been on for a while. This is a medication that you can’t just stop without it causing major withdrawal / dangerous side effects. I was put on this medication by the oncologist office that dealt with my non-cancerous, but painful bone tumor that was removed from my tibia.
Weeks ago, at my last regular med-clinic appointment, I KNOW I discussed this medication with the practitioner handling my medication management. I know we discussed having her continue to provide it as it’s a mood stabilizer. I took this medication years ago through my psychiatrist for that precise reason. I was under the impression that it was going to be filled. After returning my call this morning, the practitioner insisted we never agreed on anything. Long-story-short, after jumping through a lot of hoops, the oncologist office decided to fill it with the intention of me weaning off of it.
In the meantime, I’ve felt absolutely horrible. Sweating, fatigue, nausea and weakness are just a few things I’ve had since missing 3 doses.
I’m hoping after taking a lower dose tonight that I’ll feel better.

I worked on line work for the next picture I’m doing - and so far I like how it’s looking. I have a couple funny ideas for pictures I want to do next - happy pictures. I guess that’s it for now. Sorry, it’s kinda a boring read. But I’m using my journals for what they’re intended for.

❤️Bogie❤️

I wanted to ask people who follow my page what you’d think about me coloring and finishing a few of my now 14+ year old-ish sketches in my gallery? I thought it’d be fun to try to finish them and maybe even improve them.
Thanks for any input.

❤️Bogie❤️

Hello everybubby. I wanted to write a little about the progress I’ve made and the struggles I still face when it comes to drawing.

I’m currently working on two pictures, one of which is nearly completed - inked and colored, and one that’s sketched but nothing else.

It’s been helpful watching  colby-hedgey ‘s live streams. But I’m still very VERY clueless how to draw the right way digitally. Now I have learned a bunch of how things work in the program I use. Layering is slowly making more and more sense, but it still takes me a TON of time to get the look I want. I know it shouldn’t take this long.
I need to learn how to use clipping and clipping layers and it’d make things go better.
When I was drawing earlier on, years ago, I used to do everything in one layer… yeah… that’s right… and it took forever. I’m still sorta in that mindset and have to train myself out of it. As much as I label different layers, I still forget to switch between them for their intended purpose, and I wind up super lost.

I have to learn how to draw more dynamically. My pictures are very stiff, I know. I’m going to be working more on different expressions and poses - hopefully more dynamic ones; like running, jumping, hopping, toddling, stooping, squatting, and bending - and expressions like sadness, fright, sleepiness, shyness, excitement, and of course, happiness.

I want to learn how to draw clothing that’s more realistic, with folds and shading. I want to learn how to draw diapers better too. I want clothing, including diapers, to look realistic, yet cartoony… if that makes any sense.

This is a lot of things to aspire to. I don’t spend too much time on drawing and I usually go in increments rather than burn myself out. I want to be able to draw like the artists I admire. The more I practice, I’ll get better. It’s just going to take a lot of time, trial and error.

❤️Bogie❤️

Many of those who still watch my page know that I recently started drawing again after a LONG time.

The response to my first submission in a decade or so was really positive and I thank EVERYONE who commented, favorited, and viewed my submission.

While I won’t get into too many details, I figure I’d write a little about why I’ve been gone.

I’ve suffered for most of my life with mental illness. Years ago, around the last time I did any “artwork,” I was still living in a facility for people with mental illness or mental illness/substance abuse. I lived there for 3 and a half years until I was able to move out on my own. I should mention that I haven’t had issues with substance abuse, unless you count smoking as one. Addiction is something that runs in my family far too closely though.

A lot of things have happened since then that have been some more reasons I’ve been away. I lost my dear mom in 2017 after a long and VERY difficult battle with vascular dementia. It was a privilege that we were able to get her close to us for the last years of her life, as difficult as it was. I was the only person that she recognized (most of the time) and I would gladly care for her in the same way I did, just to have her back. I wouldn’t wish what she went through on my worst enemy.

I’ve since moved again, left a job I loved, and have reestablished myself in another state. I rent a space from family and I have a decent support system. I’ve been in constant and consistent treatment for my mental health for many years. It’s difficult to change around so much, having to re-hash and re-open everything with new therapists and support staff, as well as take handfuls of medication daily.

The future remains uncertain, but I’m glad to have the opportunity to express myself again in some way. I’ve lost SO much because of mental illness. I used to be a singer. I used to play guitar. I used to create things. It’s been a daily, sometimes minute-by-minute struggle to get back some purpose for my life.

I’m going to try to be more active on here as I attempt to return. I will be posting more about new rules and what I expect to do with my page moving forward.
I made a lot of novice mistakes previously that I won’t be repeating.

Thank you everyone for your support and positivity. I look forward to having Bogie back, and having him be a source of happiness in the coming years.

I encourage anyone to read what’s currently on my profile despite the incoming changes. Thanks again!

❤️Bogie❤️

I'm going to try to make this brief.

There's a whirlwind of journals swirling by friends and people I watch that say this is basically the end of everything "babyfur" on this site.

I guess I'm here to say that if my account disappears even though it's within policy, I don't really have any contact info to give out.

As many of you know, I haven't uploaded any artwork anywhere in probably over a decade now. While I had possible plans to start drawing again, I haven't made any progress toward that.
Now, in a perfect world, I'd love to draw again. But my world is FAR from perfect. I need a whole lot more help that just isn't there.
I suppose I should say that if I DID draw again, things would be very different. Anybody who's read my page information might pick up the reasons why.

I'm sorry I'm not more accessible to the people who might still watch my page. I'm sorry I don't have the ability to give out a whole bunch of contact info. I'm just not active on social media.

My account is staying up as long as it can.

Perhaps someday Bogie will re-emerge.
I guess I'm sorta too sad to continue to write.

Thank you to all the people who have been genuine, well rounded, true friends to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

❤️ Bogie❤️