Hi all...don't know if anyone reads these anymore, but just in case I have a couple watchers out there who are still curious...Aleksey passed away today. He was very ill and while he's been diabetic for a couple of years and his health was fading, this sudden cascade failure that happened in his body was fast and unexpected. I still don't even know exactly why it happened, but his body just shut down. Our vet kindly offered to come to the house to perform the euthanasia and so he passed in a place that was familiar and comfortable for him, surrounded by the people who loved him. I hurt terribly...I miss him with every breath...but I wouldn't give up even a moment I shared with him. I loved him and still love him more deeply than words can convey...even so, if you want a bit of the story of his life, I wrote this:

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38695077/

I won't say goodbye, I'll only say "Until we meet again, my sweet, lovey 'bubba.' I can't wait to see you again."

Hello those who read this. ^^ If you're wondering about the followup to my last journal...still alone and still depressed. But hey, that's the way I was before he came into my life, so I guess I can deal. Just really hard to go back to having no one when you've actually had someone in your life like that. Before, I didn't really know what I was missing despite being 31 yrs old.

But I'm actually writing this journal just because I can't believe how much hate there is in the world. A lot of it stems from bigotry, in a way. And I'm so abhorred to see that so much bigotry still exists in the world. There have been a lot of shootings lately. Were they all race-based? It's possible. More likely certain shootings have been sensationalized because of race, but it still brings attention to the matter. I'm sure at least some of the current shootings of innocent people by law enforcement officers had some basis in race. Or incompetence...or both.

What really amazes me is how much this sort of bigotry even permeates our imaginations. Quite frankly, I feel like furs, as a general rule, are fairly progressive and forward-thinking individuals, which is why I'm surprised every time I see the kind of bigotry and hatred amongst us that I see out in the real world.

Take for example...Demicoeur's latest comic "Cinderfrost." It's shaping up to be a very fun and possibly deep comic by an artist that I happen to adore. If you haven't checked out his stuff and you like gay furry pr0n as well as a beautiful artistic style, then you're missing out. Now, in "Cinderfrost," there is a particularly nasty, hatred-inducing character named 'Ciel' who just so happens to be a unicorn. And it never fails on every page's comments section, people start talking about what assholes and bastards all unicorns are based off of this one terrible individual.

I know that the majority of these comments are made in jest and aren't meant to be serious, but comments don't have to be serious to hurt, and this is one way that bigotry starts. Unicorns don't exist. No anthropomorphic animals do as yet. We're talking about imaginary constructs in a fictitious environment, so you might say this doesn't have any real-world relevancy. I disagree. If we're throwing around slurs about an entire group based upon a single individual within said group in our imaginary "we can do whatever we want" place, what kind of comment does make upon us as individuals and as a society? Even when we're playing make-believe, we're bigots? That's pretty sad. You don't hear me going around saying all foxes are childish, class-a douchebags just because that's what my previous bf was and he happened to be a fox. I know there are a lot of anthro foxes out there that would get at least a little hurt by someone saying that, and why not? It's literally an attack upon who they are...imaginary or not.

The whole situation with Cinderfrost isn't helped any by the fact that unicorns are a real minority within the fandom and there aren't a whole lot of popular artists drawing them in comic-type, personality-exposing situations. There aren't a lot of us unicorns to represent and defend our fursonas...and I know if I comment upon that thread, people will end up jumping all over me either because I'm being "overdramatic and butt-hurt," or literally because they think it's funny to make slurs against unicorns given the theme of the comic.

So I don't post on the comic threads with anything logical or thought-out. But come on people...aren't we better than this? Making slurs against an entire group of people even in a world that doesn't exist? It's not funny, and it's not okay if it hurts even one person's feelings, because there's literally no reason for it.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

So yeah, I almost never post these things as evidenced by my history here. It doesn't really matter if anyone reads this or responds, I just had to put something somewhere.

Ever feel like you're trapped? Suffocating? Like there's no way out and you just keep sinking deeper? That's kinda how I feel right now. I'm depressed, and frustrated...don't know what to do or how to get past this. There are so many things going on right now in my life, and yet so little.

Most of you probably didn't know I was in a relationship with a fellow fur not that long ago. We were together for over a year and a half. We met through the popular MMO Final Fantasy XIV. We were both gay and found out wie were both furs too. Seemed a bit too good to be true. Anyway we online dated for a year, Skyping almost every night. He came up for my birthday in 2015 (the third time we'd been together without computer screens between us), and our characters in FFXIV got married. I know it seems silly, but that meant at least a little something to me. Anyway...three months later he moved up to live with me and I was amazed. Here I am, now 31 years old and I'm in a relationship...in love and living with someone...something I never thought would happen to me. We lived together for seven months and then one weekend, after a spat, he decided it would be best to simply abandoned everything we had together and run back home. Two days after the fight, he was gone. Two text messages after that and he cut off all communications with me. Transferred his character to a different server and poof...as if he never existed at all...except for the scars he left behind.

You see, my fellow fur was in his upper twenties physically, but emotionally he wasn't much past thirteen. He came from a well-to-do family and had never had to worry about if he'd have enough rent to cover next month, or if he'd be able to go buy groceries next week. He never had to worry about the electricity being cut off, because if he ever came up short, his parents would just bail him out. He's never worked a full-time job in his life, yet he owned his own condo in a beachside town on the Gulf. See, he just wanted someone to take care of his financial needs so he could sit at home and do whatever he wanted. I made it clear that I wanted a partner who I could work through life together with. The entire time he lived with me, he didn't work a single day, claiming he wasn't getting any callbacks. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't...ever since I started dating him I knew he was a compulsive liar...but I chose to trust. Finally I got him a job where I worked and he turned his nose up saying he couldn't do it. I called him "soft." Yeah, that's the worst thing I ever called him up to that point....soft. And that warranted running back home to mommy and daddy. The worst part was...for wanting to be a trophy boyfriend, he didn't even put-out! One or two blow-jobs a MONTH. And nothing more. Now I'm a sexual person, and yes I do have some hangups in the bedroom but I wanted to work on them with him...he didn't even want to try. I wanted sex at least a few times a week...he would've been happy with no sex at all. I was WILLING to keep jacking myself off every day even though I think sex would've done wonders for our relationship, just so that I could have a companion. But I sure as hell was not going to go off to a job that I hated every day to make money so that we could survive, while he continued to sponge off of his parents for his portion of the bills so he could sit at home all day and do...whatever he did.

So he left, and it's probably a good thing, but here's the thing...before him, I was perfectly fine living my life alone with my dog(s). It's what I was prepared to do...I'd accepted that no one would ever love me that way. And then along he came, filling me full of wonder and hope that maybe there was someone who would notice when I die. Someone to share my love and caring with. I don't know if it was ever real, but it felt real to me...so now I don't know how to get back to that state. The state where I'm okay with being alone. The place where when I die, no one will really care that much. I was okay with it once but I don't know how to get back there...I don't know if I can. I just want someone like that even worse than before...some guy who wants to be mine and wants me to be his. A guy who will ambush me in the kitchen and drill me up against the fridge or plow me on the hood of his car/truck just because. But for anyone to be like that...they'd have to accept me, who I am, how I look, and most-importantly, my sexuality, which is far from average. It's not as simple as finding a nice guy...he has to agree with some very non-standard things, and they can be deal-breakers. I'll leave it at that.

On top of this, I have a friend in the fandom...he's a really great guy and a lot of you probably know of him, though I will not mention him here. I've long had a bit of a crush on this guy, but he's always been in a relationship, and then I was in a relationship, so there was never a chance for us to explore any possibilities. I've been friends with him for a long time too...we used to chat regularly and recently started chatting again, but he's gone quiet. I was really depending upon him for the types of support I can't get from my other friends, just as a friend. He knows some things about me that a lot of people don't...he's the only one I can talk to about a lot of these things. I know it's unfair for me to put that kind of responsibility on a friend, and I certainly don't want to push the matter at all. I already feel bad for it. But he just doesn't really respond to my texts or messages anymore. Maybe I creeped him out...maybe he just doesn't like who I've become. maybe he's just really busy living his life and trying to get things straightened out for himself, I don't know... I've tried to offer him what support I could too since he's also been through some stuff recently, but I don't know. It just sucks that I don't seem to have him to talk to anymore. He was sorta my lifeline...even if he didn't really know it.

Now, my mother has moved back in with me as well. This is both blessing and curse, because it means I'm not alone, but it also means...well...I'm not alone. The thing was she and the rest of the town got fired when the factory closed and she went back to school. She became a medical lab tech but was having a very hard time finding work because of her age. Finally she did find a job, but it was in the northern part of the state, forcing her to move. She was going to lose the house she was buying where I live because she couldn't afford to pay rent up there AND the house payment down here. I decided I couldn't let that happen, so I said I'd live in the house and make all the payments for her. The plan was that she would work up north until she could retire, then move back here and I'd find another place again. Well...that didn't happen. They were paying her peanuts up there, and she wasn't even making enough to survive, so she moved back after just one year. I basically supported her for a year after that until she managed to find local work. So she's living here again, but she can't keep up with the bills on her own, so I'm still living here too. It's allowing me to save money, but it feels a little demeaning...I mean...if it weren't for me, the house would have been repo'd and who knows where my mom would've ended up...but still, my mother is living in the same house as me again. Thankfully the house has two living rooms, but still. I love my mother, but I'd really like to have my own place again...but I can't unless mom starts making more money again, or the house will still be repo'd.

On top of that, they found a troubling lesion on my mom's hip-bone that is causing her pain...she's having it tested next month....I can't even consider the possibility that it's the "C" word. It's too hard to think about it...and the emotional ramifications too. Right now I think my mother is the only person in the world who would care if I died...there's just too much to even consider it. I'll wait to hear what the doctors say.

Also Aleksey is going to have surgery a week from this coming Friday to remove a granuloma from his elbow. I job-shadowed at this vet, and I know their main concern is saving money, not keeping clean and safe. I'm so worried about him going under anesthesia and about the removal and stitches...I couldn't take it if something happened to my dear Husky lover-boy.

In short, I'm a mess...I hate my job, and I feel utterly trapped an hopeless. I'm sorry for venting this here, but I needed to do it somewhere. I just...want to feel happy again.

Yes, a free comic raffle, why not? The comic will be drawn by Jailbird and sponsored by Krispup. It will feature Krispup and the raffle winner doing pretty much whatever the winner and Krispup decide they want to do together. >:) For further details, take a looksy here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5109972/

I do feel a bit bad, I never post any journals except in these sorts of circumstances, but then I'm not a social butterfly. My Facebook page is covered in a permanent layer of ingrained dust. In case anyone happens to be curious about me...well I'm still alive. No longer in school, working a dead-end job that has nothing to do with my education to try and keep my head above water, etc. But at least I have my Aleksey, one of the brightest and most-important lights in my life. :)

And, once again, free comic raffle here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5109972/

So yeah, I know there are a few persons who watch me who like equines... ;) A journal to take a look at, especially if you have a boy horsey yourself. :)

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/2608117/


Also, Aleksey is doing very well health-wise. :) We're having some drama trying to get him used to the schnauzers and vice versa, but I hope to be back out in a year at the most. We'll see how things go. But he's doing well and that's what matters. :)

Hey guys, I thought I should do another quick update for anyone who might be wondering about Aleksey. I don't do a lot of journals so it's not in my nature and I apologize for waiting so long. Suffice it to say that if I had bad news I would've posted it.

Anyway, Aleksey's doing great! :) His staples have been out for over a week now and the incision is healing up very well. He's been on a completely normal diet for a couple of weeks now and is doing well with it. He and I have also gotten back to regular play time and regular activities, mostly at his urging. :) So he's come through wonderfully and I couldn't be happier. I think about what my life would be like without him and it would be so empty and lonely, so I'm incredibly thankful to the powers that be, and to my mother without whom I wouldn't have been able to pay the down payment on the surgery.

Anyway, thank you all for your thoughts and concerns, and sorry to have waited so long to put this up.


~Ossy

Finally my puppy's back home and I'm so happy to have him back. My little apartment seemed so empty without him.

Aleksey has improved vastly since the surgery. He's bright and alert with a voracious appetite. ^^ Everything is passing through without trouble, and I'm able to take off his e-collar while I'm able to watch him so he doesn't have to wear the giant cone all the time. :p I'll put it back on when I go to sleep.

Both the surgeon and the attending fourth-year said that he came through amazingly well and he's looking good, now the ball's in my court to supply all the love and care he needs.

The total for all the procedures and ICU care came to about $3400.00. I can't afford it, but I have no regrets about agreeing to pay it. The vet hospital will get their money and I'll sacrifice whatever I must, after all, Aleksey's life was saved and I have my husky back, maybe not good as new, but I'll do my best to make sure he ends up better than new.

Thank you to all who commented and sent me messages as well as those who I talked to or offered to chat with me for support, you know who you are and I love you all. Thank you guys for helping me through this awful trial.


~Ossy

The vet hospital here in town has kept me well-informed on Aleksey's status and he came through the surgery well. His recovery was up in the air last night. They had to remove his spleen because of the bleeding (I may have mentioned that), and his heart rate and blood pressure were somewhat low. He was also suffering a bit from anemia. This morning they called me around 9:00 AM and said he was doing much better than last night. His heart rate and BP had stabilized and he was up and bright and alert. They even had him walking outside without any help to be able to walk. He's still a little anemic but they're thinking about giving him another bag of plasma to help that. Most of you probably know that with animals as with humans, the first night after a surgery is the critical night, the prognosis improves drastically if they make it through the first night without further complications, so the hopes are very high that he'll be able to make a full recovery.

This whole event has really brought my life into perspective. I almost lost Aleksey because I didn't have enough money to help him...that can't ever happen again. I've been so lazy the last couple months that it should be a crime, and I almost paid very dearly for it. I'm not going to let it happen again...I don't care if I have to work twelve hours a day, I'll do it. Not to mention the outstanding bill I'm going to have with the hospital here. Things aren't resolved yet, Aleksey still has a couple of days of observation and recovery to go through at the ICU, and I still have to process the wire-transfer tomorrow from mom and get it into my bank account so my check won't bounce. Then I have to work hard to get a new job, not to mention the close care and observation I'm going to give Aleksey.

I haven't been eating, but I finally forced myself to eat two pieces of toast this morning. I wouldn't have but my mom asked me to. I haven't had an appetite since I took Aleksey in yesterday morning. It seems like it's been so much longer than 30 hours. It seems like it's been ages since Aleksey's been home and it feels odd to think that it's only been a bit over a day since I took him in. I cried last night even though I knew he went through the surgery well. It was almost all good news but I still cried because I missed him. Every few minutes I'd look for Aleksey and remember he wasn't here. Every time I'd stand up from the couch, I'd look for him to give him a quick pat on the head or a scratch on the neck, but he wasn't present. Every time I got out of bed I worried that I'd disturb Aleksey only to remember that my bedroom was empty. It's not a nice feeling I can tell you that. Never having had a mate...or even a boyfriend really, I wouldn't know...but I assume this is what it would feel like to lose a lover, even if only for a short while. It really makes me realize how incomplete I am without him. I need him....and that's why I have to work hard to make sure if anything else happens, I can give him all the care he needs.

Thank you all for listening again, and thanks to all who have left comments, notes, and well-wishes...you all make it a little easier to deal with his absence, so thank you.


~Ossy

Hey guys, I know I don't have many watchers but I'm feeling really down right now. This morning around 5:00 AM, as I was getting to sleep (I'm a night person), my Husky, Aleksey shrieked in pain. It was a terrible noise that I never EVER want to hear again. Thankfully I live in the same town as a vet teaching hospital (the best vet care in the state), so after about ten minutes of panic and feeling utterly helpless (a very new and unpleasant feeling for me), I finally found their phone number and called in.

After a tense fifteen minute car ride we finally arrived (his stomach was very distended). They did some radiographs and basically found out he had Gastric Dilatation and Volvulus (GDV), which is basically a fancy way of saying a twisted stomach. Basically for some reason unbeknownst to anyone, his stomach twisted over on itself and nothing could get in or out.

So he went to surgery this morning which almost didn't happen because they required a 50% deposit before they'd start treatment. The total estimate for surgery and treatment was around $3500.00 and I didn't have $1500.00 (the absolute minimum they would take). Even though my mom needed the money for house-payments (her place of employment decided to move to Mexico like the winners they are and she's going back to school, but her unemployment isn't enough to cover living expenses), she still loaned me her last bit of money so that I could make the deposit and get Aleksey in to surgery.

He did very well, according to the surgeon, and is currently coming out of anesthesia. I don't know what I'd do without him...he's only 2 years old and the love of my life...he's my reason for living, he gives my life meaning. If I lose him, it's not going to be good. The signs point to him being okay thank goodness, but unless I find a significant other to support me emotionally before anything else happens...I don't even want to think about it.

Like I said, aside from having to remove his spleen (due to vascular tearing), he seems to be doing well. That was my principal worry...now the secondary worry...coming up with another $1500 to $2000 to finish paying his hospital bill. It's going to be a busy week filling out as many applications as I can...somehow I'll make it work.

And then the third worry, trying to keep him from tearing his sutures or staples. He's very active and rambunctious, and to go in and out of my basement apartment, he'll have to navigate stairs...and he's looking at 3 days in the ICU and recovery. Then 3 weeks of intent care by me at home. It'll be difficult but he's worth every penny and hour.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is that I feel so helpless...I have to talk to someone. My mother has driven down to keep me company and she's helping, but she's got dogs of her own that need to be taken care of, and when she leaves the place is gonna feel so empty without Aleksey to lay on the couch with his head on my lap. These three days are gonna be hard to get through.

Anyway, thank you all for listening.


~Ossy

Well I decided to post a journal if anyone reads. :p I didn't know what to post so I did one of these weird little meme thingies...


1.) What's your name?
My SN is Ossanlin 'Corn...you want my real name you're gonna have to convince me you're not some crazy internet stalker.

2.) Do you know why you were named that?
Because I was a teenager that wanted an original fake name of course.

3.) Are you single or taken?
Woefully, painfully, sadly single.

4).Have any abilities or powers?
Hmmm? Well if you're talking about Unicorn powers...never mind.

5.) Stop being a mary-sue
I have never dressed in drag thank you.

6.) Uh...if you were to get in a fight with a strong wrestler, do you think you'd win?
Nope, but I'd probably enjoy the ride.

7.) Riiiight... Have any family members?
Lots

8.) Oh? How about pets?
One lovable, cuddlable, huggable, obnoxious, sexy, cute, demanding fluff-ball of a Siberian Husky named Aleksey.

9.) Cool, I guess. Tell me something that you don't like.
Bigots, extremists, assholes

10.) Something that you do like?
Ejaculation?

11) Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?
Does video-game addiction count?

12.) Have you ever hurt anyone in anyway before?
Of course, who hasn't?

13.) Ever killed anyone?
Nope.

14.) What kind of animal are you?
Unicorn...I already said that.

15.) Name your worst habits.
Eating junk-food, buying rediculously over-priced electronic entertainment. (video-games *sigh*)

16.) Do you look up to anyone at all?
Too many people to name.

17.) Gay, straight, or bi?
Hmm...let me think...hmm...cock...balls...ass...thick, sticky, white liquid splashing against the roof of my muzzle...hmm...hard to say.

18.) Do you go to school?
Senior at a state University.

19.) Ever wanna marry and have kids one day?
Marry, sure, kids, nah.

20.) Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?
Used to, probably not anymore.

21.) What are you most afraid of?
Being a failure for the rest of my life.

22.)What color is your hair?
Mahogany with sandy highlights. (Brown with light streaks for the layman. XD) Although my fursona is pearlescent white with a silver mane and tail...hmmm.

23.) Eyes?
Dark brown

24.) What do you usually wear?
Shorts and a T-shirt...and boxer-briefs I guess... >_>

26.) Do you wish this quiz is over?
I really don't care.

27.) Well, it's still not over.
Fine.

28.) Anyways, where do you live?
Iowa

29.) What class are you? (Low class, middle class, high class)?
I'm a poor college student that pulls down grant-money...what does that qualify as?

30.) How many friends do you have?
Depends on which ones you mean.

31.) If you could change anything about you, what would you change?
My self-motivational deficiency...if it weren't for that, I would be successful and probably have a nice body too...

33.) What is your thoughts on pie?
Not as good as cake, but better than cobbler.

34.) Alright. What's your favorite food?
My mother's home-made lasagna. I don't think that will ever change.

35.) Favorite drink?
Diet Pepsi if you mean no-alcohol...Jose Cuervo margaritas if you mean fun-juice. Oh, and did I say fresh cum? I'm pretty sure I did...

36.) What is your favorite place?
Probably my duplex.

37.) Least favorite?
Wherever my current job happens to be.

38.) Are you still wanting the quiz to end?
I never said I did.

39.) Well, it's over.
Whatever.

40.) Now, tag 3 people!
No.

Well, that was invigorating. XD