I am now on outpatient dialisys, and am in the process of being but on the list for a kidney transplant. For the forseeable future, I will be getting outpatient dialisys 3 days a week, for 4 to 5 hours a day. Right now I report to the dialisys center at around 3pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I don;t get home until around 8pm. It is keeping me alive, and it is supposed to make me feel better. So far, it has been an frustrating and exhausting experience. It is uncomfortable, the needles in my are are painful, and I have to keep my right arm still throughout the whole procedure. I am rght handed, so there isn't much I can do. I try to read, until my eyes hurt. I listen to music, podcasts and web radio, but I just can't relax. And when it is all over, I am wiped out. It takes 24 hours to recover from it, and then it's time to go at it again.....

I am going back into the hospital this afternoon to start dialysis. My doctor says it is time. I have been having a lot of trouble breathing, especially in bed at noght, and it is very hard to move in general. I am very weak all the time, and any effort makes me breathless. I don't know how long I will bw in this time, or how often I willl need it from now on, but hopefully it will make me feel better.

OK, so who is going to MFM? If you are going to MFM this year, please please do look for me!

Yes, please do feel free to hug me, in or out of suit. I love attention from fursuiters, and generally try to be a friendly person.

I may be sitting down most of the time, as I am pretty weak these days. Please do sit and talk with me. But especially remember to introduce yourself, as I have very poor eyesight, in or out of suit, and I want to know who I have met!

Oh, and yes you can have a balloon!

So tell me, who will be there?

Twitter: Panda_guy

MFM is rapidly approaching, and I wanted to post an update on my situation and plans. A few weeks ago I suffered my second episode of congestive heart failure, the first being in 2004, and spent several days in the hospital. Since then, I have been under close observation by a number of doctors, and again visited the hospital. Despite this, I am still going to MFM this year, although how active I will be able to be we shall see.
My kidneys are very weak. They are still functioning, but at a very low, borderline level. I have to watch my sugars, sodium and potassium intake. It makes me often feel sick and weak. But the good news is that my doctors agree that it is still not time for dialysis to start. I am getting my blood tested at least once every four weeks, and it could happen anytime, but it has not been called for yet.
My foot is healing well from the 11 operations I have had on it over the past three years. There is still some healing to go, as the diabetes makes healing slow, especially on the extremities. Because the joint and tendons of the big toe were removed, my balance is not great, and I have to walk with a cane most of the time. But as long as it doesn't get infected, it should not get any worse than it is now.
I have a new eye doctor now, one that lives very near my house. He knows my eye surgeon, and is familiar with the issues of diabetic eye care. When I get to MFM, I hope to be sporting new eyeglasses. He found the ones I had been wearing for the past few years were way off, so hopefully these will be an improvement. I also updated my contact lens prescription, as I prefer to use them while in costume. My left eye is doing OK, but my right eye is almost useless, and I have no night vision at all. This will probably never get better, and may get worse as the years go on.
With all this excitement, the move to Florida has most likely been put off another year. We are actively looking for property down there, and could buy our lot(s) at any time, but because I have been so sick, I have made almost no progress clearing out the house. My mother and I may go to Florida in the weeks after MFM to close the deal on a lot, but that is still up in the air.
Life at home goes on. I am pretty much trapped here, as I can't drive and have problems walking long distances without help. While there are some furs in the area, not many of them live close enough, or have the time to visit me. So I spend my days in my room on the computer, reading, chatting, and playing WoW. I really wish I had someone to be with more often. I miss the old weekly furmeets we used to have, but unless someone picks me up and takes me someplace, I can’t get to any meets.
I will be at MFM. My mother will drive me there and back (yes, she even stays at the hotel!). I am really really looking forward to it this year, as I missed out on FCN and FWA, and skipped AC and Megaplex as well. I plan to bring a couple of suits, and there will be balloons. Though for various reasons, there will probably be fewer of both from me this time around.
Helium for the balloons has gotten about twice as expensive as it was a year ago. This is mainly due to a shortage. From what I am reading, this should resolve itself when the new refineries open up out west next spring. But for now, I can't afford to spend $1000 on helium. I will be spending about half that this year, however. So there will be balloons, and I expect you to get one for me. I usually only charge a hug or two.
As for fursuiting, this is where it really hurts. I really love to fursuit, a lot. But with all my medical problems, it has become really hard to do. Just putting the suit on is enough to exhaust me, let alone actually going out and trying to perform in suit. And when I feel sick or too weak to put on the suit, I sometimes get emotionally overwhelmed out in the public areas of the con, watching the other fursuiters do what I wish I could still do so easily. That often ends up with me going back to my room to try and shake it off. I am going to try to do better this year, and I am going to try and suit more. But I can make no promises how it will work out.
I will have my usual collection of cameras, and will be looking for friends to help shoot pic and video around the con. And I will have my laptop full of archival stuff with me as well, if anyone wants to see how it was done "in the old days" of fursuiting.

Last Thursday, I started feeling sick. I was coughing, with chest congestion, like a chest cold. By Friday morning, it was bad enough that I took some Mucinex. That seemed to help for a little while. But by 11:30pm, I was having serious trouble breathing, and I called 911. The medic unit (and a fire truck) came quickly, and once they got me in the back and did a quick exam on me, they gave me oxygen and took me to Suburban Hospital, which was only a few blocks from my home. The oxygen wasn’t really helping. My lungs felt like they were getting smaller and smaller, I simply could not inhale any air, no matter how hard I tried.
At the hospital it was a busy emergency room, and I had what seemed like a long wait to see a doctor. It was probably only a few minutes, but when you are drowning in your own body fluids it can seem like forever. By the time a doctor got to me, I was in full respiratory arrest (familiar story to those who know about my 2004 experience with congestive heart failure). I was immediately put on a special ventilator machine called “BI-PAP,” had a catheter inserted, and injected with powerful diuretics to start getting all the accumulated fluid out of my body. The ER doctor said that when I came in, I “had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.” I was only a few minutes from taking my last breath. Those injections continued throughout my stay at the hospital. Once I was stabilized, I was moved from the ER to the Intensive Care Unit.
In the ICU I continued on the BI-PAP machine for 24 hours. During that time they ran many tests on me to determine what exactly happened. They found that my kidneys were still functioning at the same low levels they have been since 2004. But I was severely anemic, and was overloaded with sodium, a likely cause of the fluid retention. They also did testing on my heart. The blood work revealed that I had had a minor heart attack. However the good news is that the EEG and ECG showed that here was in fact no damage to the heart itself. So I dodged a bullet there.
Finally on Sunday I was transferred to a normal hospital room to continue recovery and testing. They let me go home this afternoon, with a lot of work to do. A whole new diet. Exercise plan in the near future. And another one of my lives spent…
So I am home now. I am not at all happy about my situation. When I had my first CHF episode in 2004, I never fully recovered my strength. Now I feel even weaker. Just when I was starting to feel stronger, this happens. I am angry, but nothing I can do about it but deal with it…… At least I have my plush and my balloons!

Well I am back fropm my two week visit toOcicat. It was very relaxing, and I had a great time, but now it is time to get back to the business of getting ready to move.

Before I left, with the help of some local furs, we dug in the plush pile, and took photos of a good bit of it. I will be posting them to photobucket soon, and will be taking offers on all of them. What dosent go right away will eventually end up on eBay or donated to trashed, depending on condition.

I have been giving away or selling for a few dollars as uch of my plush as I can to local furs so I can avoid the problem of shipping, but again I will have the help of some local furs for some of that too.

Also being back home means the parade of doctors starts again. I have no less than three doctor's appointments in the upcoming week, including the dreaded kidney specialist who always has a grim demeanor and loves to give me bad news.

Then we are planning to go down to Florida in mid-June. It looks like we are ready to purchase a lot and start building my mother's new house. So we are going down to meet the builders and pick a lot. Once this house is finished, we will put our home here in Maryland up for sale, and my Aunt, my Mother, and me will move into my mothers new house. Once the house in Maryland sells, I will be able to start building my own house down in Florida. We plan to get a large enough lot that it can be divided for both houoses.

I have to say I have a lot of confused feelings about this. The idea of moving into a home of my own is both exciting and scary. And at the same time, I am feeling emotionabl about leaving the home I have lived in all my life. It is a chance to start over, start a new chapter in my life. But at the same time, I feel confused, emotional, and someties depressed as it is happening so fast.

I would really just like a pile of fursuiters to appear at the door, set me down on the sofa, and hug ne as we watch movies so I can forget all this for a while. Oh, and they would have bunches of helium ballons too! ;)

If you check my gallery, you will see I posted a photo of "the pile." This is less than half my 40 year's worth of plush collection. Don't even bother asking what I have at this point, I don't even remember myself. I do have to get rid of most of it by the end of summer, though, as we are trying to sell the house and move. I am disabled, and can't drive (or do things like climb stairs very well even). So shipping all this stuff myself is a big issue, however some local furs have volunteered to help me out. So we will be photographing and inventorying the pile, and selling on ebay, giving some away, and yes, I am not above being bribed with art or even maybe cash!
I just wanted to give everyone a heads up, and ask that you post this in your journals and spread the word. I will post links to photos and eventually auctions here.

Hugs -- Jon/PandaGuy

SKYPE" Panda_Guy

I am still looking for more artists to commission for my 1 red balloon theme art.

I would like a color sketch of two characters. They can be any two
characters of mine, of the artist's choice, and the drawing must feature at
least one red balloon!

A list of my characters include:

PandaGuy - Giant Panda - http://stickypawz.timduru.org/Cos/FS20.htm
Amiri - lion - http://stickypawz.timduru.org/Cos/FS21.htm
Arkun - raccoon - http://stickypawz.timduru.org/Cos/FS11.htm
Bamboozle - PandaCoon - http://stickypawz.timduru.org/Cos/FS18.htm
Jabari - Lion - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7554150/
Jabari (cub) - Lion cub - http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7554156/
Mahto - Brown Bear - http://stickypawz.timduru.org/Cos/FS25.htm


There are many examples of what I am looking for on my FA page at:

http://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/pandaguy/

as well as photos and art of most of the characters.

Again, you pick the two characters, you pick the pose, G-rated, I like
cute. I can pay by Paypal.l If yo are interested, or know someone you could reccommend, please let me know here in a comment or a note.

And as for SKYPE - I am always looking for new contacts to chat with from anywhere in the world. My skype name is "Panda_Guy" -- just comment in your contact request that you found me here on FA.

Hugs!

I am looking for more art for my "1 Red Balloon" theme. You can see examples of it in my gallery. I would like to ask for your help in finding more artists who might be good to commission. The artwork is all G- or PG-rated, and tends to be toony, but doesn't have to be.

So, who do you think could contribute?

Thanks!

(I wish FA had a solicitation feature, where one could post requests and artists could respond/offer/bid)

I was hoping to have the first meet this Saturday, April 7th, but it looks like there are a lot of other things going on that day locally, including fur moves, other meets, etc. So I am considering either having it Sunday afternoon, April 8th, or putting it off until The following Saturday, April 14th. I am looking for some input here. Anyone have any preferences or comments? This will be at my place in Bethesda, MD incase you didn't know where.

--Jon/PandaGuy

It looks like my plans to attend FCN this year are a no-go. The person who was going to room with me and help me at the con started a new job recently, and will not be able to get time off that weekend. So without someone I can depend on the whole weekend for assistance, it is just not possible for me to be there.

That means I have nothing on the schedule until MFM, which is pretty depressing. I would like to have something to cover the gap, as it were, but I am stuck.

I am creating characters on the Lost Isles server, untill I hear from the rest of my guild of another choice.

Hi friends! PandaGuy here. I just wanted to let everyone know that
over the next few months, I am going to be clearing out the house. We
are finally getting it on the market, and I have to de-clutter. As
some of you may know, I have a huge plush collection , 30 years worth,
filling every corner of the house. I have to give up most of it. In
addition, I may be considering parting with a few of my fursuits, as
well as miscellaneous electronics, books, furniture, etc. Some things
will be given away free, some I will sell outright, and some I will
consider offers on. The catch is, I have far too much to box up and
ship, so you gotta come to me to pick stuff up.

I live in Bethesda, Maryland, near Suburban Hospital, so if you live in the DC area it is pretty easy toget to me from the beltway.

What I plan to do is start having my weekly gatherings, like the
fursuit workshops I used to hold. On Saturday afternoons I will open
the house up, and we can gather in the basement, socialize, order
food, watch movies, and I can show people what I have. Each week I
can bring out what I have decided to part with, and offer it to the
people here.

So who is interested? The first one could be as soon as March 31 or April 7.

--Jon/PandaGuy

Ever wake up in the morning, and just don't know who you are? I woke up really depressed this morning, and I don't know why. Maybe a bad dream, maybe just the usual stresses, but this morning, I feel really bad.

Someone tell me who I am supposed to be? Because whomever I am, it just doesn't feel right this morning.

In 5 days I turn 44. I can remember when I thought about just living to see the year 2000. It seemed so impossibly far in the future. Now my life history seems a furious blur. I can hardly believe that was me.

I know I am blessed, I am better off than most of my friends. I have a home, I have steady income. That's saying a lot in today's economy. I made some right decisions way back then, and it paid off for me now.

Life is a challenge. I have faced some serious challenges to it over the years. I have fought with my physical and mental health all my life. Both continue to be a daily challenge for me. But I am still here, so somewhere, I must have made some good decisions also.

The biggest challenge in life is being able to make those decisions. First you have to realize that a decision must be made. You must see, or must create the oppertunity to make those decisions. Then you have to make them. Once the decision has been made, you must live with the consequences. Realize that not acting on a challenge is as much of a decision as taking action. If one chooses to act on a challenge, one stands a better chance of coming out on top. (end of philosophy lession)

In two days, I am flying down to Orlando for my annual borthday trip to Walt Disney World. Me and a few friends will celebrate another year of friendwship, while suspending disbelief for a while. I value my friends more than anything else in the world. I find making friends a challenge sometimes, so I cling tightly to the ones I have. Love your friends. They need it, and you need it.

With the upcoming patch to www.worldofwarcraft.com allowing cross-realm grouping for older raids, I am looking for more battle.net friends. If you are interested, send me a private message with your battle.net ID and I will add you.

$I am almost recovered from my trip to California, and I have a couple weeks to relax, then it's on the road again!

I will be spending most of February in Florida. I will be at Walt Disney World for about 12 days, and then s0ending the rest of the month looking at places to live. My mother will be coming down and joining me for the last few days of Disney, and then we rent a car and start looking for a condo for her, and a lot for me to build on. We will fly home around March 2nd. It is not outside the realm of possibilities that we may actually purchase something!

I also have made my reservations for FCN, so I hope to see some of you there! FCN is turning into a favorite of mine, fun people, fun ttimes, and I plan to do my best to help with the fun there! Yes, there will be helium!! And I prefer my balloons big, and red!

I will be sticking close tohome over the summer. I am hoping to start my Saturday workshops again, now that the basement renovations are almost done. It will be nice to see some of the local furs again.

Then Labor Day weekend, MFM!! Friends!! Fun!! More helium than you could ever expect!! BE THERE!!!!! In case you couldn't tell, MFM is my favorite con. Period.

And then there is RainFurrest. I have been talked into trying to go. I want to, but so soon after MFM? I will just have to wait and see how my finances look then. But I would like to try it.

And in November there is MFF. I enjoyed it this poast year, so I am looking forward to it again.

Ahhhh... OK, now I am tired. Hug me! I am a sleepy Panda!!

Today was a better day. I finally got some help, and between Axelroo and Thunder Orca, I had someone to assist me for several hours of suit time. I managed to accomplish, with their help, several important goals for the weekend, which included getting both versions of Jabari Lion, and the Panda to the photoshoot. It took all day, but it got done. I also managed to crash the musical chairs event at the Critterlympics. It was the only thing I could contribute, but I felt most found it entertaining.
But it is clear to me, my days of independent fursuiting is probably over. I may someday get my stamina in my legs back, but I will never regain my vision, and I will always have balance problems as a result of my foot injury. I keep telling myself that all I can do is keep moveing forward. It just seems like I move slower and slower every year. And I find it depressing to watch so much of the fun race by, leaving me behind. FC is just too big for me. I will continue to hit up the smaller cons, but I am not sure I can come back here.

Saturday started out pretty good. I got up, went to breakfast at cDonalds with the roomies, and hit sycho donuts for some room snacks. Then it was back to the hotel. I got a good spot for the parade, and shot about 300 pix. Then went back to the room. et up with Arokh, whom have talked to online for years, and finally met in person. Things were going great. I even picked up a fantastic badge for Jabari made by an artist i nthe dealers room named "Caliosidhe." I went back to the room and decided that I needed to get abari into the photoshoot for some swet pix.
When I went to put on the suit, noticed a problem with the zipper that prevented me from wearing the suit. This really pissed me off. Then dinner plans had discussed with friends eariler never materialized, leaving me to eat alone once again. All I could do was think about how alone I felt, and how dependant on others have become. I feel so out of place here. do have friends here, but it seems am not a part of anyone's thoughts or plans here. I am the fat old weird guy to avoid in the hotel lobby.

I am angry, depressed, and wishing I had never come here, and its all my own fault.

The biggest issue I have been having this weekend, as opposed to other conventions I have gone to since I became disabled, is not having a dedicated escort, or at least a few close friends at hand to assist me on those occaisions when I might need it. For example, finding and getting to/from food and going out in fursuit.
Today, Friday, I did OK. I got out and found breakfast, wandered around until the dealers den opened, scooted around the dealers den, made a few purchases, and went back to the room. With the help of my roommate, Axelroo, I got into Big Jabari, and got back on my scooter and zipped around the con once more. ubce again at the dealers den, I decided to get off the scooter and walk it -- big mistake. By the time I got all the way around, I felt like I was going to fall over. I was not really hot, just exhausted. Probably a bit dehydrated, though I wasnt sweating that much. In any case, I had to go back to my room and lay down for several hours before I felt like going back out. By that time, all the easy places for food were closed, and I hadnt eated since breakfast -- diabetic crisis! Luckily I ran into Tet, Trixi, (whomn I have not seen in 6 years) and their new little girl. Had a wonderful chat with them, and explained my immediate problem, and Tet had a couplke of oatmeal bars he gave me -- enough to tie me over and allow me to take my pre-bed medicines.
Tomorrow I want to get the Panda suit out and photographed, so I need ot find someone to escort and assist me.

So far so good. Got in yesterday, checked in. Hilton room 301. Room mates are in today. Scooter arrived. UPS delivered my fursuits. And yes, I even have helium.
Scooted around the general area of the hotels and convention center for a couple of blocks in each direction. Lots of food and stuff to see. Weather was ok today, chilly tonight.
Registration taken care of. I think it went well, considering the huge lines.
Opening ceremonies delayed, I havent heard till when, I am probably done for the day unless someone comes and gets me.
I have seen and said hello to a number of friends, but I find myself feeling isolated again. Part of it is my poor vision -- It is very hard for me to recognize a face or a badge unless I am very close. So unless soimeone comes to me, really cant seek familiar company.
Part of it is just a feeling that maybe I am getting too old for this stuff. I want to be there, but I dont feel accepted like I used to.
Maybe tomorrow will look better to me. I wish I had something better to do, someplace better to go to be with people, but wandering blindly around the hotel lobbies and convention center is just adepressing me. I am going to break out the kindle and read.

I am in the Hilton. Send me a twitter or a note if you wanna meet up. Dinner anyone?

I am really nervous about this trip to Calif. This is the furthest I have traveled alone since I got sick in 2004. Everything is almost ready. If you see me at FC, please give me a hug. I am sure I will need it.

(1) When will you be getting to the hotel?

Wednesday evening

(2) What hotel will you be staying at?

Hilton San Jose

(3) Who will you be sharing a room with during the con??

Right now, just Axelroo, but I am waiting to hear from his room mate to see if he wants a spot also. If not, I will consider one or two more.

(4) Who will I be with?

I hope Alexroo will be helping me at the con, but I am really not sure. I need help getting around, soI hope my friends will find me.

(5) Can I get a picture taken of you?
Sure

(6) Will you be fursuiting during the con?

Yes, assumeing I can get some help, I want to fursuit as much as my stamina will allow

(7) Will you be at a party?

I have not been invited to any. I might.

(8) Will this be your first time coming to Further Confusion?

No, I went to in 2000 through 2004, but this will be my first time back since then.

(9) How can I find you?

I will be riding around the convention center on an electric scooter, so I think I won't be that hard to spot.

(10) Will you be in the fursuit parade at the con?

I dont know. If I can do it in suit in the scooter, then maybe, but it is more likely I will video it instead.

(11) Can I give you a hug??

Yes!!

(12) Will you be in the fursuit games??

I don't think my health will allow me to participate, but I might show up to cheer the others on.

(13) Will you be at any of the raves??

No, not my thing.

(14) Can I get a picture with you??

Sure!

(15) What is the best way to contact or find you??

IM, Skype, leave a not here. I will have my laptop, so I expect I will get email, etc too.

(16) What day will you be leaving the con?

early Tuesday morning