I'm the only common denominator.

Sometimes, I get to feeling very alone. People ask me what's wrong, and when I try to tell them, they get depressed, diverting the conversation. They don't want to face the darkness. Only, I live in it. Alone. Maybe that's part of why it exists?

If someone would follow me into the dark, perhaps it wouldn't be so dark anymore?

This isn't to shame anyone. I'd shy away from the dark too if I could.

You've been so quiet. I love you. I need you. Do you need me? Do you think of me? It seems like I could go away, vanish, and not be noticed. Would it be a day, a week, before you'd truly wonder? I try to hold on to hope. I try to believe. I ask for reassurance, because of what I've been through. I need that. Perhaps it is too much. Do I need you more than you need me? Am I even necessary? These things I wonder, in the silence of the night.

You say the words, but you don't always show the words. Do you feel them? Is it a dream, one you slip into from time to time, then go back to normal life? Or is it something real that you want? Something you're willing to give for. To commit to. To work for. Will you join me in making the dream real? Let's wake from the dream to find the conscious world is better. The dream made manifest is usually that. At least, with love. I think so. I truly do.

Too many thoughts in the silence. Too much longing. Talking with you sometimes feels like the only part of life that is real. The rest is the dream. Like I'm in some surreal world, just sleeping, until you are there. Then I feel I come alive. Wake up.

I want to wake up.

I posted my thoughts to LJ. Does anyone go there anymore? It feels more private somehow, yet still is there should anyone want to read it. Just the meandering thoughts of a tired snowcat.

I want to be wanted. Needed. I think we all do. In some sense. To feel we are cared about as much as we care about others. This is especially true when it comes to love. Romantic relationships. It's especially so for me.

I’ve a new romantic connection that spurs these feelings. Reflections. Contemplative. Sleep deprived. These past days have been uncomfortable for me.

I realize it’s a conflict of experiences. They’ve been through different things than I’ve been through. Fewer traumas just for the fact that they’re younger. It creates difficulty in understanding at times.

Silence, especially spread out over time, brings forth past traumas. Where I was forced to endure prolonged periods of feeling inconsequential. Knowing I mattered less to another than they did to me. Knowing they could go on about their life without me in it, without feeling the emptiness I inevitably experienced.

The fears rise up anew. I won’t bring all the past into this, lest it grow unwieldy. It has been difficult though, going through relationships where I was made to feel unnecessary. It hurts every time.

“You don’t come first. But you also don’t come last,” was the line that did it for me, once upon a time. It was supposed to sound reassuring. It did not… See, when I love someone, they do come first. I wake up and think of them, want to talk to them each day, spend time together. I know it’s not always possible, but there’s a longing to have them in my day. A part of my life.

In the current circumstances, things being online, always online with relationships in my life, I am used to communicating via text. Words and thoughts are how I share, growing closer to someone.

I type with a keyboard at a PC. In contrast, they primarily use their phone, and the length of our conversations can be unwieldy for them. I don’t know if it feels overwhelming sometimes. So they retreat. I don’t think it’s for lack of caring, but past experiences … give me this feeling. They care less than I. They need me less. Want me in their life less. Can go on without me, as if nothing is awry. Meanwhile, I am lost. Lonely. Afraid. All the past heartache coming back. Memories engraved in my heart. It is familiar. Pain. Fear. Anxiety.

Who needs sleep?

I know it’s not intentional. Yet with each day that passes I feel more anxious. Worrying over what it means. Whether I mean anything. Is it the difference in age? Thinking back, that wasn’t the case in past relationships. In retrospect, I just mattered less to them than they to me. Of course, this isn’t one of those relationships. It’s new. It should be judged on its own.

Where do I find myself? Afraid. Of being hurt? Of being alone? Probably both. Of not having the bond I thought we had. Not being necessary. Then is it trauma I’ve felt that makes me so much more dependent on another’s presence? Is their being part of my life each day a means to feeling reassured? It all works together. Nothing alone.

I wake up and I think of them. I think of them throughout the day. I think of them when I lie down to sleep. I imagine the future. Dreaming. Hoping. It gives me hope to have someone there with me. To not feel alone in life’s journey. To feel wanted. Two lives coming together to form something more moving forward. We all need something to look forward to. To hope for.

I also need solid commitment and determination toward this outcome. Not just a dream, but a reality in the making. Forward momentum that can be felt and seen. I try to be patient. With the silence. And with the momentum I don’t yet know if is there.

I’d like to voice chat. Would that be easier for them? I want to discuss things. To understand one another. To feel at ease. This current feeling is awful. Fear of being alone once more. “Well, another person doesn’t need me,” my fear cries out. “What do I do?” I ask myself. “I don’t want to let go.” So I wonder. “With how hard it was to open myself up this time. And how much I care. I just want … to know they care too.” Caring should be equal.

I hope the future unfolds as is dreamed. I really need this. I really need them. This person is quite special. Moments like this, I wonder if I’m special enough to deserve them.

Maybe that’s why the silence happens. Fears, you know? They very rarely are right. But in the darkness, when silence is all you have, it speaks a thousand words, a thousand lies.

My troubles are too heavy. I rely on others too much, rest too much on them. Or, at least try to de-stress by sharing, talking. But there's only so much anyone can shoulder. The weight can be more than I can take, so why would it be something others could handle? I realize this. It's taken time. I know it's why some people now shy away from me. I weigh on them too much. It's for their own good. It seems these are things I shouldn't talk about with anyone but my therapist. Though I have to pay them. It doesn't feel like it's quite the same. Yet it's still probably best I keep the darkness to myself. I don't want to be so despairing I drag others down or cause their lives to be unsettled. It's hardly my intention. So I hold more back. It's not as if I have many left who would listen. Such connections. So best not to put more on those who are here than I should. That's what I'm trying to accept, realize. I said 'realize' before. Realizing? I want to be kind. That means to be quiet. It's not fair on those who let me close to break them with my brokenness. Is that even a word? It's not getting flagged by spell check. I hope I can learn to be less of a depressing specter in others' lives. I want to be a friend that can be counted on. That can bring light. So I'll learn to shine such that the darkness doesn't show. Perhaps one day the light I shine will be real, and not just an illusion hiding the shadows.

It's been quite a year. A lot has happened. There's been loss. The continuation of pain. Perhaps hope. I'm never sure.

I fear feeling anything, even hope, now. Ash hurt me last year. That lingers. Memories of the pain. What we had. I miss him. But I'm doing my best to move on. It complicates things. Makes that process of moving on difficult. Hesitation. Or is it inability, to feel? Hope? Hope is the first step. Feeling beyond that is more of a challenge. There are moments. In various areas of my life, they occur. But they slip away, fleeting like the seasons. Changing leaves in fall. One moment there, the next blowing in the wind. Swept away. I can't really grasp much.

Career, what I want from life, what I should do. Ideas, concepts, dreams. What do I believe in anymore? What do I feel?

I think about photography. Am I really any good? Can I be good enough? Is there a chance at a path that could lead me to self sufficiency? Is it just a pastime, a hobby for a minimally skilled enthusiast?

What about writing? I haven't done it since things happened with Ash. At least, not in the context of fiction. Not in the way that I used to dream of. Can you make a living at it? Is there a chance there?

Do we follow the path currently set before us? Do we owe it to ourselves to explore it when it appears, instead of trying to grasp onto something from before, that may still exist, but might conflict with the focus in the now? Can there be both, just set in their own way, time and place, a context to each?

These are the questions I ask myself. And I wonder about love. Circling back to the beginning. I'm curious. What do I feel? What can be real? Is there truly hope? My old idealistic view of such can be unrealistic. I'm unsure. Is it though? How do I regain that feeling, that trust? In the concept, idea? Hope. Belief in not only the idea of love, but in another person? So many things bring questions.

Every little thing that comes along can create worry, concern. Spur fears. Instead of seeing the possibilities and hoping, I fear, feel emotions slip away again. That brings a sense of loss, and sadness. I want to feel. I want to trust. But past experience dictates how I respond to current events. As a word, a response, a reaction, or a simple action from another will remind me of what has happened, how another acted, spoke, behaved, and the similarity makes me feel all the bad welling up. As if it is bound to happen here. It is most probably. Past experience informs future behavior. So if the present follows the pattern, or the pattern is detected, fears arise that this will be as it was before. The new experience will follow the same path. It is as untenable as the last, the pain will be felt, the disappointment, eventual loss. I feel myself recoil. Hesitant. Worried. I retreat. Or emotions do. I continue to try to go through the motions, to act how I should. To not show what I feel. I instead try to appear normal, as usual, behaving in all the ways I know I normally would, if I were myself.

I haven't felt like myself in a while. ... I'm speaking with a therapist, but it's just begun, and we haven't gotten into anything like this. OCD alone dominates discussion. I wish it weren't so much in the way. I need to address all these things. Love, and loss, more than anything, has scarred me these past years. But OCD gets in the way of everything. Progress even.

Redacted

Just breath.

(I'm going to get some help. I just wanted to say. Contacting a therapist tonight.)

You told me your not responding at times, when you went quiet, was cruel, but you knew I understood and forgave you. As I did. I always forgave you. I loved you unconditionally. I was patient. I never wanted you to hurt. But how much cruelty can one take before it's no longer forgivable? You haven't been kind. Nor considerate. You've been so absurdly cruel it's not even quantifiable. I still don't pretend to understand. You could have talked with me, explained, given me some semblance of gentle kindness in the process. At least found a way to hurt me less. You didn't have to shut me out. Without a word. Without explanation. Just suddenly. Cold and cruel. I was worried about you. I thought something terrible had happened. I tried to reach out every way I knew how, but in time you shut me off from every avenue. Until I had no way left to try. I didn't understand. I still worried. I still do. Are you okay? Will you be? Or did I mean anything at all? Maybe it was just your way of ending things without having to deal with the emotional cost? Without having to see what your actions had wrought? That's not the way to handle things. As I said, it was cruel. Purely selfish. With how you went about it. Knowing what it would do to me. You knew better than anyone how hard it would be on me. Especially with all I was going through, to leave me on my own, having lost my job, watching loved ones die, so many things deteriorating in my life.

You might've thought it was what was best for me, trying to protect me somehow. But how you went about it, it was the opposite. It almost destroyed me. Did it? I'm not sure I'm even here anymore. I'm not sure I'm "me" anymore. Something very deep and integral, a significant part of who I am, seems dulled, missing. I feel in a constant state of trauma, a deep abiding sadness never leaves. I can barely get through each day. I function because I know no other way. I get through life. But is this living? I didn't want to. I haven't wanted to. It's been miserable.

I told you how significant love was to me. That I didn't take it lightly. I asked that you be mindful of this getting into a relationship with me. I pleaded with you even, so afraid from past experiences, that you not hurt me. That you treat me with kindness. Patience. Care. You reassured me. I thought I could trust you. I felt such deep love, I've never known anything like it before. It was so shocking. After so many years of pain, I felt joy. The moments were rare, breaking through the pain and strife I experienced in daily life. But they were there. I'd smile when we talked. I melted a little each time. Just the thought of you made me feel happy. Interspersed sparks of happiness in an otherwise anxious life. Like little pinpricks of starlight in the dark sky. My friends tried to support me through all the turmoil. I had so much going wrong. But you were there, and I held onto that. I believed. You gave me hope.

You inspired me to dare to dream. I'd have loved you forever, dedicated myself. I wouldn't have hurt you. I think you know that. You probably won't see this, but still, I wanted to get the words out. I will love you always. I'm just sorry I can't be there to help you. To see you through whatever you're going through. To give you the care and strength I sought to. To make you feel safe through everything. I wanted to be your protective snow leopard, always. I wanted to live a long life just to see that you were cared for, loved. Without a moment passing where you felt you were not. Forever your protective and devoted mate. I don't know that I am quite past that yet. It's like breaking the last vestiges of my soul even trying. What is left of me? I don't know...

I haven't mentioned it before. Recently, I've been reflecting on things. The story I wrote about a young snow leopard meeting an older snow leopard was something that I'd dreamed up years ago. It kind of surprised me when I met Ash. No one knew this inner story, and things kind of unfolded in the most interesting and natural way. It felt like gently falling snow, right into my heart. So it seemed like a dream becoming real somehow, and I didn't expect to find that in life. ... Of course, the story began in my mind many years ago, where I was the young snep. It's another reason why everything was so unexpected. I didn't know what to do with it.

Of course, when we first started talking I didn't think of any of this. I just found him feisty and cute. Fiery even? Amusing to think of, him being a snep. He was fun to message back and forth with. Yet, the way we just kind of were what the other was looking for, perhaps even needed, was intriguing. I kept trying to resist. I had barriers. Defenses. I was wary of feeling, especially for one younger than I like he was. He reassured me, and being Ash, proved himself to be far different than most in his age group. That is, most who I've met. He surprised me with his intelligence, insight, and wisdom. The depth I saw in him held my attention. I couldn't look away. My curiosity was piqued. How could this incorrigible, brilliant cat be real? He was just a kitten. I told him that. And I was smitten. I tried. I tried not to feel. Now ... I can't stop.

It hurts.

Once, you told me I made you happy. You came to me for solace, support, and love. Then you told me I couldn't help, that I couldn't make you happy, that you couldn't be happy. Only it took months for you to tell me this. After you shut me out of your life without a word. Now, perhaps you don't want reminded of the pain you caused. So you shut me out all the more. Seeing me hurting hurts you. You think it's better this way. You want to forget me. You want me to forget you. But that's not something I can do.

You go on about life as if everything is fine, all while I'm left behind.


... I've been through so much this last year. Even without this, I'd have had a hard time. I'm not sure how to keep going. I often find myself lying in bed and wondering if this all there is to life? Is this how "fulfilling" mine is going to be? Each time I've let my guard down, fallen in love, I've been hurt. This time, it was something more. I didn't know I could feel so much. You underestimated how much I could love you when you asked it of me. You didn't know what love could be. The dream was one thing, but the reality, was it too much? So, seeing how much I fell for you, with the sudden loss I've been destroyed. I'm barely managing. It takes all my will to get up and face life. I haven't very much choice. Life kind of forces you sometimes. I know my friends feel the pressure, with all the stress and anxiety I show. I don't mean for it. I try to hide it, but it doesn't work. I can't hide enough. It wears on them. Then I wonder how much it wears on me, if my presence is that heavy a thing on them. Just what is the direct experience doing to me?

All I've wanted all my life is to have love, to share life with someone. I don't have many other ambitions. I try to be the best person I can be, to love entirely, without reservation. To be kind, thoughtful, and always understanding. I forgive, and empathize, and I support them. Yet I'm left alone. I know I'm not perfect. Perhaps it's too much. Perhaps I love too intensely. I have to wonder if it's my fault, the way I love. Is there anyone who will ever love me back? I thought you did, little kitten. I thought for once someone felt love as I do, and we could be happy together. I let myself believe. I still feel it. Did it go away for you? Have you stopped feeling anything? I wonder what happened. Truly. I feel like I'm in the dark. You sealed yourself away. I saw the light. Your light. Now, I see only the dark.

I may never know. I may never know how to get past this either. I'm not sure I can. The damage is too deep. The wound won't heal. But I love you still. And I hope you'll be alright, whatever you do. I want you to find the happiness in life that evades you. I wish I could help. I'd do whatever I could if you'd let me. Happiness is difficult to grasp. But you can have it. Don't give up. I won't give up for your sake. I'll keep hoping for you.

The death of a dream is really quite something. You don't realize how much hope you held. New dreams may come, but all you see in the moment is the loss. What might have been. We move on, but the light in our hearts begins to fade. How much light will be left in mine? I hope it's enough for someone out there.

I know who I wish it was enough for.

I miss that joyful little heart living in mine. He was the light and shined so bright. ... I'd take care of and protect him forever. To have him in my life, I'd give my all till my dying breath. To hold him and take care of, support and love. I'd bolster him with the joy he brought me. Every day would be like waking up to the radiance of the sun, just to have him there. What would I not do in return for such a gift? I'd wrap him in love and keep him safe for all my years.

There could be no darkness with him. I reflected his light back at him. I wish he knew he was the source. He was the reason it was magnified so. I wanted to light his way. I wish I could. I miss you, little light of my life.

Without hope I am defeated,
my will to live depleted.

It's snowing outside. My mom called Wednesday to tell me my stepfather is dying. The hospital wants to move him to hospice. In 2017, John, who was like a father to me, died. It's surreal. Too much to deal with. I'm trying to sort out plans for travel. ...I can't think right now.

My mate still isn't speaking with me. I don't know why. There's never been any explanation. I'm a broken cat. I just don't feel hopeful anymore. I don't feel any hope in life. I'm trying to keep going. There's little else I can do. But continuing is just going through the motions. For the sake of surviving. People tell me someday it will be better. I'm not sure I believe it. All I feel is sadness. There's a sense of everything slipping through my paws like snow. I feel lost.

I really need you, kitten. You're one of the closest people in my life. I've rarely had anyone get so close. In ways, no one has. It's strange to think about. I let you into my soul. I miss you. I just need to talk. To have your support. You matter to me. I hope you're alright. I'm here for you, too. You know? I always will be.

Edit: Friday, January 7, 2022. My mom called this morning to let me know that my stepfather died at 5:29 a.m. CST.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this here. I didn't write it with the intention of many seeing it. I thought posting to LJ would mean few if any would read it. Now, here I am sharing in a much more public medium. Perhaps I'll remove this entry. My mind is tired, so it's possible I'm not in the best state for such considerations.

This covers all the events that I know of from my birth to present. Who knows if it's worth writing down? What's done is done though. I want to give myself some insight into my own life. It may even offer a bit of hope to others who have trials they're going through. Life isn't always good, but it can get better. Live it for the good parts. Look for the positives. Find joy where you can. And remember, you're not alone. There's hope so long as you keep sight of that. I'll always be there for those who matter. I think that's what we do in life. We care about others. In sharing a sense of caring, we make life worthwhile.

https://pardouncia.livejournal.com/217301.html

I don't know if I've ever felt so sad. Too much is going wrong at once. My stepfather's cancer has been worsening. The team of doctors that treat cancer at the hospital he's been going to tried a new regiment of chemo treatment, but it was too harsh, and he had a UTI that complicated matters. So he was in the hospital for a week to recover enough in order to go home. There he spent weeks recuperating so he could begin another type of chemo treatment. This is done less often, and his doctors hope it will not impact him as badly. It began a few weeks ago, and he's not doing great, but he's enduring. He had to get multiple blood transfusions this past week as well as platelets.

My mother is using me as her support system. I hate to wish for it, but I do wish she had some other people to rely on. I'm feeling so weak myself. I can barely manage. Things are so hard on her though, things have gone wrong in her life, and now this seems to be weathering her to the point of breaking. Her husband hardly eats, doesn't feel hungry, and is depressed. He mostly sleeps. Their income is low due to him not being able to run his business, which is practically at a standstill. I don't know how long they'll be able to keep things going as they are. I am concerned, but I can't do much myself.

Long ago my mother and stepfather took advantage of my own finances to aid a previous business they had. It's taken me most of my adult life to try to overcome what debts I was left with. I'm currently unemployed thanks to being laid off in July, and no matter how many things I apply to, I'm not getting anywhere it feels like. I just don't know how much hope I have left. I'm trying. I just don't know what to do. I feel like every direction I look has such risks. After taking the job that got me where I am now, I'm not sure if I have PTSD. Can you have that in life, over life choices, where things just go wrong and then more wrong? I can't seem to act. Everything seems like a bad choice. So I barely manage daily life, sitting still. I'm applying to jobs. I just don't feel hopeful about any of them. All directions seem like a dangerous path.

I don't want to live in a city. They feel stifling to me. Suffocating. I live in a "city" compared to what I'm used to. It's just miserable somehow. Maybe I never wanted to be here and that affects how I feel? Moving to a bigger city for a job though, not being able to live in the mountains like I've always wanted, seems like surrender. Like there will be nothing beyond it. I'm not a kid anymore. I wish I were. My family pretty much ruined that time in my life, making it so I had to sacrifice a lot just to get started on my own. I'm probably not as far along as many people half my age. I worry that taking a job and moving someplace I don't know I want to be would be trapping me, a long-term reality I wouldn't ever get past. I feel much less hope for the future now than when I moved for the job where I currently live. Back then, I just knew it was going to be temporary. Then five years passed. Some experiences in life damage us. I wonder how much damage I've taken.

Everything has impacted my health. Since moving here, I've lost 20 lbs. or more, what seems to be muscle. I have no stamina. Many days I have no will to eat. I'll go 14-20 hours without eating at times. Then I have to force myself to eat something. Nothing seems appealing. I just don't care. I was already feeling sad, down and worried over everything when something happened recently that really hit me hard. I had typed it up, but I don't want to make it public like that. So I'm removing it.

I should probably see a therapist. I should probably see a doctor. I feel so tired and weak. I've wondered for a few years if something is physically wrong. Perhaps feeling this tired and run down isn't normal, or explainable by what's happening in my life. I can't bring myself to do anything though. I don't want to die, but I don't really want to live right now either. It's not like I'm living anyhow. I'm just existing, going through the motions as I try to keep things from getting worse. Yet they inevitably do. I was trying so hard. I was exploring photography. I thought I'd get a gallery of some kind up, sharing more than just animal photos sporadically here on FA. Now, I don't feel any drive to. I don't feel much hope. I know it's not healthy to depend upon one person, for them to be integral to your happiness. I just don't know how to be otherwise. It's how I am. How I've always been. When I love someone, stability with them is necessary for me to face life. Otherwise, nothing seems worthwhile.

I know I'm old to feel this, yet I've been reflecting on my life. Perhaps I never quite got through the period of identity vs. role confusion, part of Erik Erikson's theory of psychological development. It's an interesting concept. I'm not sure where I am. In life. In general. I feel adrift. Afraid to commit to any one course of action. Bad outcomes have left me shaken. Perhaps they've even caused PTSD. With how my last job went, I wouldn't be surprised. I took it out of necessity, leaving behind the mountains and a dream. I felt like I was losing so much, just to survive. I gave up on life, I think. I just survived. I endured. I aged. Time passed. Did I really get anywhere for it? At times, I wonder if I've been standing still.

I don't know what I want to do for a living, career, or whatever. I never have had a clear idea on that. Write fiction, that was an early thought as I was growing up. I'm not good enough, lack polish, and it's very difficult to make enough doing that to live off of. Photography? That's a passion that came later in life. Again, the same arguments could be made against my pursuing it professionally. I really don't know. I lack an education. Things went wrong. I won't go into them here.

I still feel young, almost as if I haven't begun. Life. Living. Pursuing ... whatever it is one pursues. I feel naive and lacking in life skills. The only thing I really feel a certainty about is love. I've always been idealistic when it comes to this. I love intensely, but the flame of love doesn't burn quickly. It burns brighter the longer you feel it. At least, that's how it works for me. I don't grow out of love. I grow into love. More and more. Until I feel as if I could merge my soul with theirs. I appreciate individuality, personal space, separation, yet I also want to be with them. To just "be."

So I don't know where I'm going. I want to find a job I can live with, survive doing, without always struggling financially. I want to feel more confident and secure in life. I want to live in the mountains again. But most of all, I want love. How I get these things and where they will lead I can't say. Love is the one constant. It is ever with me. I'd do about anything, I think, to that effect. Outcome? Purpose.

What this all comes back to is I don't feel my age. I feel young and afraid, lost in the world. I don't think my mother was a very good parent. She didn't do much to prepare me for life. Maybe I'm still trying to figure it all out. Figure myself out.

I sometimes wonder if I'm being tested to see how much damage I can take. I'm not a video game character. I just have one life. And I'm not sure how much more I can endure.

Bloody pawprints on the ground are all that're left that will be found,
no remnants of the life that was, nothing else at all because,
the soul that held the spark of fire, died upon a funeral pyre.

I'm thinking of taking photos like those I've been posting lately and compiling a calendar for 2021. If there's enough interest, I just might get one done in time for the new year.

It looks like a print-on-demand type product would probably be around $20, with perhaps $1.50 going to the seller. I know that's not a lot, but it may help me one day gain freedom from my job so I can become independent. I'd love to make a living with photography. Let me know what you all think. Thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it!

Also, if you're interested in other types of products with my photos, I have a FineArtAmerica account I'll consider sharing with people. You can have photos printed on myriad types of items at reasonable prices. I only get a small percentage of the sale, but it's something. It trickles in through the year. So maybe one day it will be a true source of income. I feel so happy when taking photos. It's something I never knew I'd like. Then one day I was just "there." I wish our world would make it easier to live by your passions instead of toiling away at a job that doesn't make you happy.

Thanks again, everyone! And an early Merry Christmas! I'm trying to feel festive. We have to hold onto hope in this life. It's not easy, but it gives us a reason to keep going. Believe in a better tomorrow, and work to make today the best that you can!

-Snowcat out!

I feel more and more alone. The more I try to be a part of things, the less a part I feel. The less I seem to belong. The little hope I spark into life is extinguished before it can light even the tiniest fire. Hope alive and dashed in a moment's breadth. I stretch myself far too thin trying to keep up, here and other places. Social media. I compartmentalize life. It's difficult. I'm currently bridging my personal, private self across the furry and Therian fandoms. It's different. I haven't been a part of the Therian community in at least a decade. I didn't really think there was one anymore.

But I've already been put through the paces, told what I think and feel is wrong. Corrected. It's a strange thing in a realm that's supposed to be inclusive, welcoming, supportive, and all that - things that probably never really happen anyplace in spite of how we might wish to perceive them.

Meanwhile, with FB as a not-so-private realm, I limit myself. I keep up with notifications, various groups I follow might lead to a way out of here. Away from the prairie and back to the mountains. But this stokes my OCD, so I can't do much but keep up. Then people message me there. They message me here. They message me on Therian places. They message me on Twitter. It's fine, various levels of acquaintances, friendships trying to form. Ebb and flow, some never come into fruition. Fading. Yet I put everything into each and every one. I exhaust myself. Even LJ. I'm still on there. I can't believe how many places I try to keep up with, to maintain connections of years, new ones, even with people I feel little in common with. I feel a sense of needing to be kind and always show consideration, to each soul. But it's going to be my undoing. No one can work like this, stress like this, and keep up with all.

I have no "free" time anymore. I barely get any sleep. It's certainly not enough. I can feel it impacting me. My physical health has deteriorated.

And in ultimate irony, I feel alone. Oh, those moments of hope come along, but they're hard to hold onto. Besides making a better life. The essence of life is missing. The purpose. Not just a job or vocation. Finding joy in work. Living each day without being miserable. The essence of what makes life worth living. At least for me. Perhaps from past journal posts whomsoever might read this will understand.

Perhaps not. Oh but why must it be so impossible? I begin to believe I'm without hope or unable to feel it anymore. Then something comes along, but it's dashed as I said before. A spark in the night, and gone. Kindred spirits are rare. The times I feel that instant comfort with another. Those are ... never. I'm not friendly as a cat. Not in the way furs are in general. I don't show affection toward many people. I feel uneasy, uncomfortable. It takes a lot.

Sparks. Sparks of light. Not stars. But sparks in the night. A moment. They glow. A moment. I know. Then gone. Sparks cool. Fade from sight. Goodbye. My sparks in the night.

I still hold on, what glimmers remain must be grasped. Though time is not on my side. The longshot is so far off. I may age and die before anything truly happens. Meanwhile, complacency not of my doing will destroy me in the waiting. I cannot force progress. Not even my own. Let alone. (I speak in riddles, eh?) Good gravy. I'm probably only going to make sense to myself. If that statement even makes sense. ... o.o;

While I've long been a snow leopard, it didn't come about easily. I started off as a leopard simply because I thought it was easier somehow. I could RP in TLK fan groups. This was in the old days of Yahoo Clubs. We had a lot of fun back in those days. Being a leopard allowed for easier connections with other stories and people, as leopards were more common then. Snow leopards were truly rare. Most of all, I didn't feel worthy. Snow leopards to me were mythical and seemingly untouchable. To conceive that I had any connection with them was almost sacrilegious. I felt set apart from them. Leopards were more of this earth, while snow leopards otherworldly. I know this sounds unusual considering both are part of this world. But to me snow leopards were magic, and that's all there was to it.

Even while I took the mantle of leopard upon myself, I had some varied and fun RPs with groups of friends in Yahoo Clubs as well as The Icy Boards, an old Balto fan board. I gave myself some pseudo-scientific abilities known as polymorphism, and off I went. It was fun being able to transform. I had an affinity for so many species, and this harkened back to my childhood when I would pretend to be various animals.

Of course, this circled back to my core character in those early years, a snow leopard. He was born of spirit and yet was of the earth, part of and between both worlds. He was almost angelic, a guardian of all things, nearly infallible. That's how I saw snow leopards – idealized anthropomorphizing through a child's eyes, I'm sure. I'd molded this character, or he naturally just was perceived, as an anthro or humanoid snow leopard, who could transform into a regular snow leopard. He also had feathered wings as needed. I think that was perhaps some of the angel aspect?

I'd all but forgotten about these childhood ideas when I came online and discovered the fandom. More like, I just didn't think to equate myself with something so ethereal and almost celestial in essence. Idealized as it all may have been, it would take me years to sort this all out. That's as if I have managed. ... I've gotten older at least?

This all began when I was perhaps 6 or 7, at the earliest. I can't explain how I dreamed up such a character. There wasn't an internet then, nor a lot of realistic anthro characters in media. Disney-esque anthros were nothing really similar. Years later in Gargoyles the Mutates came close to this, but that's quite a deal after the concept had arisen in my youthful mind.

As my presence in the fandom resolved, and coming to terms with Therianthrophy as my core self seemed more likened to, everything appeared to reorient. I took on the moniker of snow leopard, finally accepting I could indeed be worthy, or at least aspire to be. Friends told me I was foolish to resist, and so I stopped fighting it.

Thus is the story of how I came to be the snow leopard you know me as today. It also explains just a bit of how I found myself in the furry fandom as well as a Therian. Therians are rarer but still exist. We are a part of this crazy group of fuzzy fans online.

I can go a bit more into Therianthropy another time. I still think back on being a polymorph in RP, and it was fun. I think it's part of why I empathize with so many species. It also makes it difficult not to feel mournful at the death of any creature. I know I'm a snow leopard, but I have a little bit of many species in my heart. It may be imaginary, but it keeps me grounded perhaps?

I find some commonality with people here. Furs are in part like me. I'm also Therian, which seems a very fringe part of the fandom. For many interest in an animal is an amusing pastime. They don't think too deeply into it, nor do they keep to one species. Some have multiple characters, so it's more a role play character, or various characters they insert into commissions and narratives. It's not the same as how I approach things, so it makes me different. To have a spiritual connection to an animal, contrived or aspirational as it might sound, is just as valid as other spiritual and/or religious ideologies.

I remember the old fandom, with the Transformation Story Archive and Jonathan Sleeper, the "Winds of Change" stories and "Blind Pig Universe." I remember the Sabrinaverse, ZigZag and all the spinoff stories that great authors came out with. I remember speaking with this circle and being a part, feeling a part. Heck, I even remember TrekWars, a Star Wars/Star Trek crossover fic/RP group/forum with a furry twist. Life kind of got away from me, not in any singular or good way, and time passed. I became less and less involved. The old ones slipped away. I'm not sure what became of them. I suppose I could do some Google research. ...

So here I find myself, not all that involved or versed in the modern fandom. I see a lot more fursuiting than in days of yore. It's likely due to it being more accessible with higher quality options. I've never really been one into fursuiting, but I can see the appeal. Maybe it'd be for me if I got involved?

Aside from the Twitter craze and subsequent Telegram, which I still am not adapting to - due to being an AIM hold out, I don't know how to get more involved. I'm currently so overwhelmed by daily life and working a job that slowly weathers away my morale and confidence, let alone sanity, that I am not really able to pursue much outside of it. Perhaps I need to reorient? The few connections I've made via FA and Twitter seem at best acquaintances. I hardly seek to be popular. I care more about forging lasting relationships. I could use some local friends as well. Trying to find like-minded people locally is quite a challenge and always has been.

Well, to further outline what sets me apart from most people I meet, how about a list?

- I had a Christian upbringing, but upon viewing the world through new eyes via the internet, I've slowly found my resolve and beliefs whittled away. It's difficult to hold onto these old foundational beliefs when faced with so much hypocrisy, science, and opposing ideologies. Most recently, I've been faced with my mother's mortality - her very likely end in the coming year or two. I lost my childhood cat a few years ago, fall of 2013, then my sister in January of 2014. My father's health is ailing, and he often talks of death. Now, this. I'm not sure how much more I can take. It's weighing on me quite immensely, and I've felt my beliefs wane further. This scares me. I lie in bed unable to sleep, thoughts of death and oblivion, futility of everything, and wasting the gift of life that I have, all storming within my head. The chaos is defeaning, and thus I'm more tired than I've ever been. Insomnia has always been my bedfellow, only these days the toll it takes is unsustainable. It's affecting my work and daily life.

- Perhaps the above is getting too personal though? Let's move on to the subject of interests and mentality? I feel like a kid in many respects. Due to an interruption in my family life and upbringing at a formative age, I feel stunted. Much of what I've learned about adulthood and surviving in the world didn't come from family. This crash course, tossed into the world sort of deal has left me very shaken. Taking hit after hit has indeed left me less confident in some respects. Yet I kind of like who I am. I have an interest in anime all these years later, watching Toonami each Saturday night. I love general cartoons as well, finding many worthwhile.

- Mentality Part 2: I'm not into a lot of adult things. I'd rather stay home with a friend and just watch TV or movies, hang out, talk even, than go out on the town. I'm not into the bar scene. I don't even really drink. It doesn't appeal to me. There are some things that factor into that, but it's best not delved into at the moment. We were already getting too deep before. Suffice it to say, I never developed the want or interest in the club or bar thing. It probably comes as no surprise that I have no interest in weed. Colorado may be a haven for such, but I don't seek it out. Not even feline curiosity is enough to make me care. Then it seems strange to me to live in a state like Colorado and need weed. I could see it if you lived in a horrible place, many of which there are.

- That last about more "adult" interests really isolates me. The fandom has a lot of individuals with more child-like interests to be sure, but they all grow and adopt more adult interests. The partying and drinking, just the public exhibitionism, the nature I see among the community, tends to make me uneasy. These aren't things I understand. If I went to a con, I'd probably feel out of place. At least that's the current state of things. I'm very private. I keep my personal and work lives separate. Then I have my family life as well. Compartmentalization is key.

- I never lost my honor code. This is very significant and vital to me. I don't understand lying and have trouble overcoming it once someone I trust crosses that line. I often give trust initially, others needing to earn it less than simply keep it by being honorable. Yet if they break that trust, I don't know how to let them back through my barriers. I've had this trouble with relationships. I will not lie or cheat. If my mate does, it defeats me. I feel myself break. Then for them to regain trust is an uphill battle. So it's pivotal that trust freely given not be broken. That's all I ask. I am overly committed, there's no doubt about it. I adore my friends and will wear my claws to nubs in order to help them in any way I can. I'm inherently a people pleaser. That's not always the best thing. Not that I seek to be there for those I care about for that reason. I just care. It's no more than that. Once I care about you, I care. That's why it's always been so hard for me to let go of friends. I don't understand moving on or drifting away. I try to maintain these connections, but many have been lost over the years. Each one I mourn.

- With love comes monogamy. I see no reason to seek another when I'm with someone. I realize this is up to the individual, and people vastly differ in this regard. I can't cheat though. It goes against my soul. I feel love, and I don't feel anything but immense contentment in a relationship. I can't imagine wanting to break that bond for anything. Paw in paw with monogamy may go sexuality? With modern definitions a-many, I'd venture to say I'm demisexual. This probably fits well with my sense of commitment and aforementioned honor. Once you're my mate, you are my foundation, my daily priority in every way. I go to sleep with you in my thoughts, and you're the first thing I think of upon waking. With as few romantic relationships as I've experienced, it remains as true a part of me as ever. I don't want it to be broken, but sometimes heartache has threatened to break my spirit entirely. Does it impact everyone so terribly? What's it feel like to be loved completely? Sometimes I pose this question, to myself, or maybe to no one in particular. Should I even seek an answer? Sometimes I think I've known such love. Others I'm filled with doubt. How complicated a subject. Best leave it and move on.

- Let's circle back to interests while they come to me. I am less inclined to be into the modern popular TV series or music artists, often a bit behind the times. It's harder to keep up as time goes by, and some things simply don't appeal to me. As I've experienced more tragedy and heartache in life, the last thing I want to face in my down time is something that reminds me of ... life. I seek out the daydreaming. I like cartoons for that reason. I like things like "Gold Rush" and "Ice Road Truckers." There's a surreal nature to these series. I prefer lighthearted to serious drama. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy drama. It just has a penchant for getting to me. My older sister introduced me to "Bones," and that show deeply affects me. The episode where Mr. Nigel-Murray dies nearly was my undoing. I feel the connection to my sister, and I'm reminded of her passing. So for me it's very much a challenge to face drama. Fantasy is easier, though only so long as it's not constantly dramatic and filled with tragedy and death. I've held off on seeing "Game of Thrones" much for this reason. Sometimes you've just dealt with enough so that you don't want to deal with more. There are days where Andy Griffith comes in handy. Although, I might be further showing my strangeness in admitting this. Old shows were so much less trying on the heart. I can't help escaping sometimes.

- I do love the mountains and seek to live amidst them. Currently, I'm in the flatlands, high-desert plains again. My attempt to make a go of it in the mountains fell flat. This was much due to my trying to work it on my own. This is definitely an undertaking one requires a companion for. Surviving on one income is next to impossible. I find it a challenge even now, and I'm no longer in a sought-after area. I get to them when I can though, and hiking is one of my all-time favorite hobbies. I also am into photography, both landscape and wildlife. Driving mountain roads is equally fun, exploring. I've had many adventures where I end up off the beaten path, experiences I don't at that moment always appreciate. ^.- I suppose my adventures would be a little less harrowing if they weren't so often solitary? It is a bit unsettling to go down some trails in a 4x4 when you haven't anyone with you. My practical side limits my want to explore for this very reason.

- Pets are important. As is kindness. I want to live someplace where I can have pets again. For years now I've had rentals that don't allow them. I find it integral to a person's character how they relate to and treat animals. Understanding, empathy, compassion, and love are necessary. Some of the strongest bonds I've ever known were with cats that I showed these to. I had to leave one behind when moving years ago, and it hurts to this day. That connection is quite something. If you get a cat to trust you implicitly, there's magic there. Never tease. Never play rough. Never chastise or raise your voice. Always react with kindness. It's not always easy. None of us are perfect. Yet I have seen the results. It's different with dogs, of course. With cats there's more a mutual understanding and trust. You aren't truly their superior, but they find you their companion. Once there, you can pretty much read one another. It's pretty darn awesome.

- Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, these are a few of my favorite things. The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, The Chronicles of Narnia, these too I am a fan of. I grew up watching TNG when it was new. I saw Voyager when it was new. I remember discovering Babylon 5 mid-way through the series, and it drew me in with its amazing story and depth of characters. Now, facing death and wondering about mortality, I more than ever think about Kosh and what he faced. "I've been alive for a long time. You kind of get used to it." Kosh, we never truly knew your face, yet we all loved and respected you.

- I mentioned cartoons, right? My favorite animated movies in order of adoration; "The Lion King," "Balto," "Zootopia," "Bolt," "Princess Mononoke," and ... it's too late an hour for me to be making lists! This I'll have to think about and get back to later.

- Books. Because books are important. My favorite is probably "The Blood Jaguar" by Michael H. Payne. I also love the Firekeeper series by Jane Lindskold, and strangely enough a children's series called "Warriors" by Erin Hunter. One other at the top of the list is "Cry of the Icemark" by Stuart Hill. Along a similar strain as "The Blood Jaguar" and the "Warriors" series is "Tailchaser's Song" by Tad Williams. This is another list I'll have to keep updating as the gears of my memory turn.

There's not much more I can think to tell. I don't know whether anyone will read this, let alone see where I'm coming from when I say I feel alone among many. Is there a kindred spirit out there?

... I'll probably have to come back and edit this later. It's very rough, and the hour is late.

When I love someone, I love them completely, with all my being. It envelops me. It is the breath of life. I'm not sure I've ever had anyone love me like that.

Sometimes things go so wrong in life you wonder how you're going to go on.

Nothing feels right anymore.