After the passing of my dog, i just had a breakdown i think alot of my family is broken and some family members i use to know pass away in awful ways, because my family rather mind their own businesses and burn bridges rather then talk it out, lets just say i saw a lot of death, a lot of neglect, a lot of fighting, a lot of drama, a lot of police, everything, and just i losing my dog someone i cared for since she was a puppy just get so bad we had no choice but to sign her away, its just i was so mentally depressed for days, still am, it just a lot of things happen and have zero control or say, sometimes i beat myself up thinking "man, if i wasn't such a timid jerk, maybe i could have helped this person out" but maybe me being shy and timid is a showing that i would struggle in my adult life since i saw a lot that any kid that didn't, i don't envy them, how a child can be so broken by the world so quickly and no one knows, is just depressing.

Point is that i am getting at is, this was kind of an eye opener that, maybe i shouldn't feel sorry for myself or saying what ifs and just, live my life to the fullest, i will miss my dog, and i will always hate myself for not being more in my life, but, sometimes we just need to keep moving and hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel, for some its hard to find but just keep looking, digging and squeezing through holes, and hopefully someday, you'll find it and finally can relax.

Love you guys that helped me

Me giving up my dog and her getting put down still depresses me I stil feel empty and there is a void I just cant seem to have any motivation to do anything besides grieve, I go from acceptance to crying, she wasn't a fog she was family.

I wish I had somebody to talk to I need a distraction.

My dog was very sick and i am very poor, i loved her and made her very comfortable in her old age, but sadly time was up, i had no money to put her down and be there for her, to cremate her, so i had to give her up to animal control, its a very haunting and depressing to know i can't be there to hold her while she is put down, a dog since i had when she was a puppy, i am devestated and just hurt right now, but i know it was for the best.

Don't think ill ever recover emotionally.

Today is my birthday!

Tomorrow is my birthday!

I am turning 26 by the 24th, and i been having mental depression about life, struggles, i just, mentally cannot get into being an adult due to autistum, and just how my family is in shambles, how my mother (my only good thing going on) is getting older and in pain, to my pets getting old, i just, don't know, i think i been depressed, i dunno how life will ever get any better, but i want to do better i want 2025 to be the year i get something started, to build a life.

For my 2025, i wish to try some brand new paws to have on my face!

after 80 hours of being without power, with harsh winds, flooding, lack of money and our food ing ruined, now everything seems to pass and power is bak on, i am glad to be hopefully over with Hurricane season, i hope others have had it good and survived though.

Hurricane Miltion is approaching and its trail is coming right for where i live in Florida, honestly i am scared and worried, we just got a hurricane that thankfully missed us that we somewhat prepared for, but now, there is another one, and we had no idea of it, we have no money, barely any candles, we do have food and thankfully water, i know i will power and connection, and there will be a lot of damage as its gonna be either a Catagory 5 or 3, i have had a ton of hurricanes and thankfully it always seemed to miss, or not hit my area terribly, last years Hurricane was the worst because our roof nearly blew off and the roads were flooded for days.

I hope this will be different and somehow, someway, something happens to help, but, i dunno, it also sucks to not have any family anymore that is willing to help out, me and my mother are on our own, and its worst now because she is sick and hurt, so, i just hope that god has mercy, i am not religious, but, i just pray.

This might be my last message incase anything happens and if anything does happens, i just want to say, i love all my friends and people who stuck by me all these years, i am sorry if i wasn't a good friend in return or wasn't around much, i have had a lot of issues in real life for the past few months-years, so, i am sorry if you feel like you been ignored or neglected.

I hope things will be okay.

I know i always write journals like this over something petty or jerkish a friend or family memeber did and i rant, then a bunch of randoms that never talk to me or care to even try to talk to me want to comfort me and none of my so called friends i think i have on here try to be there for me, but let me tell you something of my life so far.

I am autistic, devoluply, i feel like a teenage stuck in an adults body, i am not ready for adult responsibilities yet i am forced out of my comfort zone despite my social disorders and stress levels, but i have to do it, my mother has been getting sick lately, she has terrible mental health and is basically on a watch list, because our family pretty much cut us off for something her mother did, and an money wise, we are pretty much broke every single month, living off my social security i get for being disabled, due to this i have to be disabled, even though i am qualified to work, i want to work, but i can't the benefits i have are too good even though its not enough.

our neighborhood is basically being cleared out and our house will be torn down as the landlords are building a updated community, my mother is in no way capable of moving anywhere as the last time we had to nearly put her out for months, and we can't afford to hire a moving team, or a truck due to our money issues, and that time for us to move is quickly approaching.

I live with only my mom, she is the rock i have in life, well, i am more her rock now, she is miserable due to her hormonial issues and finding so many things wrong with her, if i listed it out, you think i'd made it up, but it basically all stimps back from her being in a car crash, and having to walk home from the hospital because no one wanted to pick her up, not even her own mother, an i was still a baby when it happened, years later its what is doing her in.

Now, my mental health is decreasing, i am forgetting things and sometimes my mind goes blank, anytime when my mother starts her hormonial stressing out about something, i found myself hitting my head against the wall that caused my head to bleed, i am losing my goddamn mind and i literally looked in the mirror and my eyes were so different, i don't know whats going on, my skin is starting to act up and thanks to pills i took as a baby, i am basically considered "overweight" even though i am not its due to the medicine, and now i am getting diabeties, and my doctors said when i turned 20 i wouldn't have long left, and now i am 25 years old, fucking fun.

So i am losing my goddamn mind, having to be an forced adult, that can't work, can hardly sleep, have to take care of my mother who is basically on a watch, and we have zero support systems, not even i on this site or in reality.

I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

After finally able to have an ego for the first time in my life and getting better mentally, i want to re-invent myself and do better, did a mass delete of my journals, and comments, just to give myself piece of mind that something change from my old self to now, going through ones journal after 12 years on this site is like finding an old diary, its cringey, weird and you barely know what the heck your talking about XD, i hope that i can make some new friends and try to get into art/story writing like i want to, but now i am actually going to go for these goals instead of just wishing/procrastinating on them.