4 years ago... its been 4 years since my last post... Where to even start.... Think ill line it out chronologically, bolding the good and not the bad so i feel better.

Went bankrupt,
lost my other cat max
had to leave my mate (due to his/her addition to drugs sadly)
Got a Mercadies! ok its a smart car but it is made by Mercadies benz so im counting it.
Got a job at sprint!
was harassed at said job at sprint to the point of suicidal depression...
Got to buy my childhood home!
... and was intimidated into not taking breaks at sprint job thus perminatly injuring myself by de syncing my eyes and inner ear. Permanent vertigo :(
went to rehab for 3 months to learn to manage said vertigo
Lost said job at sprint when they closed their doors.
Got a new job! (Which i really enjoy but don't want to risk saying the name here.)
had a adverse reaction to a anti depressant sending me into another suicidal depression.
Trump was elected... really wishing those pills hadent backfired.
began process of going back into hiding due to fear of being attacked and fear that i endanger my family for simply existing
vertigo returned once again causing me to miss a lot of work and drain savings.

soooo 3Good/11bad .... all i want is a hug....

This year i gots loves so i be good :) Fun song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiJThIUTvEw&feature=autoplay&list=PL9D4A5DB3211B4D27&playnext=1&shuffle=460287

This thing needs to go viral, and its furry to boot. HELP i dont have enough watchers :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvmyxTm6hkg&feature=related

Ok ive drawn somehting (badly) for the first time in years apon years. only because i cant get the images out of my head, so consider this a warning that these are my vents at the moment. Dont judge them on artwork quality i KNOW they suck ass... i dont need anyone telling me further of another thing i fail at....

And no im not stable, probably best to ignore me...
Im sorry... forgive me...

Have you ever had a dream... where you were dead?

Im having a re occuring dream.... so far 3 times. Each time i am dead, no particular explanation as to why i am dead, but i am dead. And under this reailization.... im happy... Im at peace, im not worried, im not anxious, im just peace... I explore the areas that i interpriat as heaven or the afterlife or whatever. But im not affraid, and everything is fine, nothing that bothers me now, none of my faillings, none of my lack of confidence or stress over things like the posibility of bankruptcy this year are important... im just at peace.... The images are always fuzzy after i wake up but one i remember in particular resembled disneyworld jamed into my local zoo? But thats not realy important..

Anyways what scares me is the re occurance of this dream... like now my own subconcious is turning against me and telling me to die. Already told psyciatrist, he just thinks im under too much stress. But then again theres nothing more he can do about it, the anti depresents im on are already at max usuable dosage, any futher and i cant stop shaking like i have parkinsins. So he just wants to see me in 4 months to see how im doing... But how can i tell him how im doing when i dont even know? isnt that his job... ok ramble mode turned on, leaving now.

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/darkstarpheonix/
Anyone know who the hell this is? they have aparently been on my messenger list or so claim to be... They claim i had a relationship with them.... I dont know them, nor will they say who they are, but the thought of loosing anothere memory realy scares the hell out of me...

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/ca.....fographic.html

lets see Construction started around 2500 BC.... it lasted at least till now... so 4500 years give or take.... i give the ikea version then 4 - 5 months.

Well i managed to get a viral infection of my tonsils :( Now ive lost my voice too. hopefully it goes away or im going to end up with yet another medical bill for removing my tonsils YAY. Someone cast heal on me please? Or throw a potion at my head? sure it ill hurt for a moment but ill feel better after. Rather not resort to phenoix down :/ things are expensive.

Just thought id let people know i am home from surgery, it went well and im in considerably less pain then i was after the apendix surgery. The best part though is the pain in my side is gone as far as i can tell. So this year of torment (it all started last novemeber) may almost be over YAY. Anyways take care all

Well at 8:30 this morning i will be put out and under the knife. God im nervous as hell. Anyways, though doubtfull, if anyone needs me i will be out of contact for up to a week. not sure how long recovery will take for me to get to the point that i want back on the computer.
Take care all
Wyrinn

Well its offical. I will have to undergo sugery on oct 1'st to get my gal blader removed. Fun fun

Filled out their questionaire once before, and they invited me to do it again, after about 30 munits it happily tells me that yep, your still a looser and will be alone for the rest of your life. God i hate that site

Its been a long time since i saw a movie i was truely blown away by. Im going to try to get out all my thoughts here before they compleatly dissapear so if the journal is a bit off please forgive me

First off i was surprised how much the characters and the culture of the Na'vi were simmilar to what i based my now primary fursona, wyrinn, on. I based him on the iskai from a game called albion. The bond they share with the planet, and all life in general is amazing.

The character design is remarkably similar to the iskai as well, as well as the character i created in another game im beta testing (which i will upload a pic of when the NDA expires) despite having never used any promo pictures from the movie as a refrence.

The movie also showed how truely monstorus the human race is, Truely evident by the people sitting next to me chearing on the humans as they brutualy overran the Na'vi at points. Honestly i felt and even now feel less connected to the human race now then i ever have.


Few movies ever make me want to cry, and this is definatly one of them. My emotions are held in check in rl more so then they are online where esentaly wyrinn lives. Im a guy thus expected to keep emotions in check, Its almost as if i have a split personality disorder at times.

Anyways im rambling like mad and my thoughts are jumbled up in a mass amout of emotions, but in the end everyone should go see this movie.

Forgive me but this is my first online journal of all time. So formating is probably way off, Anyways, I thought mayby getting something off my cheast would help me. Has anyone else ever wonderd "When will it be my turn?" im going on 29 and im a virgin. Im not ashamed to admit that thought dont get me wrong. Anyways, my question stems from this. Everyone around me has someone, my best freind has my ex GF, which is somewhat odd. Another freind has a long distance solid relationship, and the newcomer to our group of freinds here is obsessed with another of the group who i feel is just taking advantage of that. This girl would give her own liver to the guy if he asked for it. Yet he seems to just take adavantage of this idea and generaly treats her horiably. He wont return her fealings at all as far as i can tell, and talks about her behind her back. I have WARNED her of this fact, yet she doesent seem to care. Yet i am expected to support her on this, she will call me and tell me this or that, or ask me to relay messages, or simply call my phone so i can pass it off to someone else... I do this because im a nice guy, yet she asked on before the obsession was confirmed, why i wasent dating yet. I responded that i would have asked her out if it werent for the fact i could tell she was intrested in the other freind. Anyways im somewhat rambling, mostly just trying to organize my thoughts and this was the easiest outlit. so feel free to ignore it if you wish. My general question is when is it my turn to be the supported? and not the supporter of others?