Okay, honesty time. I’m starting to pile up a few drawings and as of now I’m only posting them here on the main account. The other accounts are for tamer content, so I NEED to give them attention in case someone only wants my tamer content.
Again, this is NOT the account for tame content, so I don’t want to give the impression that it is.

HOWEVER, there have been two problems preventing me from posting to those and finally utilizing this four-account system:
•One is laziness, of course, since I’d have to re-upload everything that fits in each account.
•But the other is worry. I don’t know how okay it is for me to do something like that. I did try really hard to find out if it’s allowed or not, and from what I can gather it’s okay, but I’m still nervous about it.
Nothing in the rules forbids this, it says nothing about reposting content to multiple accounts. I also tried to message support, but the only contact I tried was through the forum support thing and I never got any response.

The reason why I think this is a big deal is that while the main motivation behind this is the comfort of who likes my art, I actually have some nefarious incentive to do it as well. It boosts exposure by throwing the same drawing to the top of the browsing page again, getting more views out of the same thing. I understand that this might be an unfair advantage, and that’s why I’m conflicted, people can go “oh that’s not something you should be doing, stop”.
I would really like to have some form of greenlight for this, but I’ll probably start soon.

For now there is no real huge need to do it, since I haven’t posted anything gross or super bizarre yet, but it will become obvious when I start doing that.

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On a very unrelated note, relevant to what I did yesterday, I guess I overused my hand and now my index tendon isn’t fully rested just yet. Doing over six drawings in a single day is very hard to maintain for more than one day. I don’t want to rest because I wanna do six again, or at least try, but if I feel that it might be getting dangerous then I’ll have to take a short break or at least slow down.
On top of that, refusing to sleep until I finished everything has caused my sleep schedule to shift forward by six hours. I actually like this, since I wanted it to flip back to me waking up after midnight again. Not sure if this is relevant to anyone, but it might affect upload times or something, idk.

Welp, I'm finally putting things here since the creation of the accounts. Still feeling lazy to put things on the other accounts for now, though.
To anyone who gets confused due to the descriptions of my submissions, this could be due to 2 things:
1 - There is content that I could only post on InkBunny, so I may reference a previous drawing or just the day in general and context is lost without those other submissions.
2 - I sometimes write the descriptions for myself on a spreadsheet before publishing, and they function as a mini-journal centered on the drawing in question, so even with InkBunny, some context might be hidden just because you would need my entire spreadsheet to understand.
So don't worry about it too much.

Also I have noticed that the traffic here is way bigger, holy frick. This pleases me, yes.

I still need to work on the tag system, and I apologize for that, though I don't think that is relevant for this site since it caps the number of characters to 250 and I suffer while tagging. It seems that tags aren't that important here on FA, then. Oh well.
For people who are willing to go to my accounts on other sites, the tagging system will be relevant there, and it includes this hg_ag_nl_ml thing which I still need to explain.

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I don’t browse for other people’s work anymore, and I really try my best to avoid any fiction that is new to me, and even a lot of fiction that I’ve already experienced before.
In a way, I’m trying to isolate myself in my own creative bubble, and while sharing my stuff isn’t an issue, I don’t want anything getting in.
There is too much that got inside already that I wish never did.

There are two main reasons for this which come from my issues with THINGS I DISLIKE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).

The first and most direct is that the stuff I run away from is actually not that hard to encounter, especially when it comes to browsing for weirder content.
Since I’m so sensitive to it, risking to have my day, week, month or year ruined isn’t worth it, so I just STRONGLY AVOID all lewd art not made by me.

The second is a consequence of that, and it is that if I allow myself to enjoy browsing and looking at it, and if I really want to just enjoy it innocently again, I would have to let my guard down. If I do start enjoying it, I will want to see more, which can further maximize the chances of the first problem happening.

As a consequence, I found that after my trauma intensified, it was exceedingly hard for me to even enjoy it, because I was always on edge… and when I did let my guard down, I came to regret it a few extra times, and I don’t want that anymore.



I tried to use blacklists before, but that wasn’t enough. I always ended up getting paranoid about whether or not a given artist also did things I’m afraid of.
I tried to just ignore what I didn’t like, and pretend it isn’t a problem. Again, it didn’t work, because as much as I tried to tell myself what others told me, I never believed it.
I tried to get a thicker skin, to get some tolerance, get desensitized and just have better filters, but that also didn’t help at all.

So even though I used to REALLY like looking at other people’s art and exploring so much, discovering new themes… Even though it was what made me an artist for these themes, inspired me so much and forged my identity, I just decided to give up on it entirely, and I noticed that things got A LOT better.
While it’s not ideal, and sometimes I feel caged, I had to do it, and I’m sure so far it has saved me from a lot of stress.

So I don’t search for stuff anymore, I don’t look at it, and I avoid even having it on my eyeballs if I get exposed on accident.
I can cover my screen, look away, blur my eyes, scroll down and all that. It has become an instinct to me.
I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been conditioned on emotional pain to react like that.



This ended up going beyond lewd art, however, because even things that are technically SFW can still be pretty horrible to me.
I also have to avoid art in general (though I wouldn’t feel like I messed up if my eyes catch generic SFW art), and I also hard avoid fiction like shows, movies, cartoons, story-based videogames and so on.

Unfortunately, everyone has to agree that dark messed up stuff can go beyond drawn lewds or hardcore content, and it’s actually quite common in popular culture and in the content that most people consume everyday.
Even if not R-rated, even in PG-13, or even lower, I found that there are many cases where I ended up regretting watching a certain scene. If you really start paying attention, it’s all over the place.

I’m not really safe anywhere, so there was no choice but to close myself to this entirely as well. I don’t want anything to do with any new works of fiction I’m not aware of, whether they are safe for me or not. Same rule of “I don’t want to be tempted” applies here too. I don’t want to be trapped in shows I end up enjoying because I might regret it, or be tempted to seek more until I regret it.



And finally, it is of course VERY IMPORTANT to state again that this stuff can make me irrationally angry. I know it’s selfish, but I feel a sense of injustice when these things that hurt me so much are so well appreciated and worshiped by the masses.
As a result, even just talking about them, telling me anything about them or saying you like them would probably make me really stressed. I’d advise against mentioning any of that if you want me to have a positive opinion about you, or if you care about not making me suffer.

Last modified 20/05/2023

If you want art from me without spending money, this would be the solution. While most people are willing to do art trades, that’s just not something I can do, since my isolation from other people’s art means I wouldn’t benefit from the trade at all.
The reason why I refuse to look at other people’s art is better detailed HERE([07] WHY NOT BROWSE ANYMORE).

But then, what would these trades be? Well, it can vary a lot, and it can go from something mundane but draining to something that takes rare skills.
Sometimes I’ll need something done, but I either can’t or don’t want to do it myself. If anyone would want to take on that, I’m willing to trade free art for those.

The way I’m gonna go about this is with a system of bonus points as detailed in my commission journal HERE([02] COMMISSION JOURNAL).
These bonus points work the same as the bonus gained from spending money on me, and function as an internal “Pedroh currency” equivalent to USD, that can be used on whatever you like, as if buying a commission, as per the same systems as any other commission from me.

Some of these quests will have set bounties that I feel are enticing to people. In such case, I’ll try to offer a generous reward.
In other cases, it’s very hard to know what it’s actually worth, especially if it involves more specialized skills such as coding, or tasks that would need more details I’d have to explain, so I’m not gonna give them a set price. We can always discuss that and come to an agreement at any point you feel is best.
Very important to say, though, the bonus will not be active until the quest is “delivered”, of course, even if the price is agreed before the fact.

Below I’m listing the current quests, so if any of them sound like something you can do, and you want to take on this, feel free to PM me and let me know.
Again, those will vary a lot, but some common themes are running errands, fetching tools, getting data, doing research, decompiling games/applications, teaching me important things, creating programs that would be useful to me, contributing to some of my projects and so on.

CURRENT QUESTS:
•400 BONUS – Decompile Minecraft Java Edition version 1.12 and give me the source code in a way I can understand it.
The main thing here is that I should be able to look at the classes inside, as if I was modding the game on Eclipse, so that I can learn how it works and add the changes I want.
(if two of these are listed, one for 1.12 and another for 1.13, it is 400 for each, meaning that both would give you 800)

•400 BONUS – Decompile Minecraft Java Edition version 1.13 and give me the source code in a way I can understand it.
The main thing here is that I should be able to look at the classes inside, as if I was modding the game on Eclipse, so that I can learn how it works and add the changes I want.
(if two of these are listed, one for 1.12 and another for 1.13, it is 400 for each, meaning that both would give you 800)

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Somehow convince InkBunny staff to change the site so that underscores do not get replaced by spaces in the search function.

•50 BONUS – Fetch an EXTREMELY comprehensive list of tags used in InkBunny.
List must be a text file with the format: tag♦♦description♦♦count.
Tag is the actual tag as it appears on InkBunny (underscores included), description is a good enough description of what the tag means, and count is the tag popularity.
Tags involving fetishes that involve dark things that I dislike MUST BE KEPT OUT (check my main journal or frontpage for what that entails).
Tags involving franchises and fictional characters MUST BE KEPT OUT, unless it’s a species of digimon or pokemon.

•50 BONUS – Fetch an EXTREMELY comprehensive list of tags used in SoFurry.
List must be a text file with the format: tag♦♦description♦♦count.
Tag is the actual tag as it appears on InkBunny (underscores included), description is a good enough description of what the tag means, and count is the tag popularity.
Tags involving fetishes that involve dark things that I dislike MUST BE KEPT OUT (check my main journal or frontpage for what that entails).
Tags involving franchises and fictional characters MUST BE KEPT OUT, unless it’s a species of digimon or pokemon.

•50 BONUS – Fetch an EXTREMELY comprehensive list of tags used in HicceArs.
List must be a text file with the format: tag♦♦description♦♦count.
Tag is the actual tag as it appears on InkBunny (underscores included), description is a good enough description of what the tag means, and count is the tag popularity.
Tags involving fetishes that involve dark things that I dislike MUST BE KEPT OUT (check my main journal or frontpage for what that entails).
Tags involving franchises and fictional characters MUST BE KEPT OUT, unless it’s a species of digimon or pokemon.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create the Tag Helper 2.0 for me according to my specifications. If agreed upon, I can provide the plans I had and further directions as well as the version 1.0.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create an application that I can use as a booru-like file browser on Windows and Linux.
The application needs to function more like an engine inside of which I can write my own code and create my own functionalities and UI, but API is provided for me such as file indexing, retrieval, display and so on. Details to be discussed as well.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create an application for cropping, rescaling and labeling/tagging images.
Details to be discussed, there is some specific stuff I want done for this one, in order to handle some niche things I need to do.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Fetch me a bunch of music albums that are up to my standards.
I will provide various albums I consider to be good, and I’m looking for albums that have a similar power. They must be available on youtube, or downloadable from some other place.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Organize a playlist for me and send me the file.
I will provide a bunch of albums and you would organize them thematically (so that similar sounding albums go into one another).
Albums from the same artist/group must stay together, though.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Get me a good collection of high-quality VSTs for Reaper.
I don’t feel so satisfied with the VSTs I’ve grabbed so far, and I have this feeling that I’ll want better VSTs and a better diversity.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create a Blender script that simulates plate tectonics inside a procedural material.
Details will have to be discussed on how that could even be a thing, but the simulation needs to be satisfactory in realism and generation of continental shapes.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create a Blender tutorial for how to render the environment around a sphere onto the surface of another sphere.
Details need to be discussed, I want to create a spherical wormhole effect. The surface of one sphere is the “camera” for the other. This could be a shader.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create a Blender shader or script that simulates river basins and dendritic patterns onto the surface of a mesh.
Must use procedural materials, taking a black-to-white gradient as height values, and calculating the shortest path between summits and confluences or mouths.
Then it should return a voronoi-like gradient between the river paths and the are between them.
Simulating the presence of liquid and accumulation onto structures such as lakes would also be appreciated.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Create a simple blueprint for a simulation in Unity ECS meant to handle hundreds of thousands of objects exerting forces on one another.
Details will be provided if anyone is interested. I just need an extremely efficient way to simulate a bunch of particles interacting through forces.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Find me youtube channels in Spanish or Dutch that match my criteria of quality.
I can provide channel examples, but the themes should probably be around my interests such as sciences, conlanging, worldbuilding, simple gameplay and so on.
Channels must not have a single video endorsing or showcasing any videogames, shows, movies or franchises that can be considered too dark or messed up.
Content must not involve things I dislike, or in the case of let’s plays, involve games that have a narrative to them or themes I dislike.

•BONUS TO BE DISCUSSED – Get me a scientifically accurate way to simulate galaxy clusters.
It has to be based on real cosmology papers and allow me to randomly generate procedural galaxy clusters where the structure and density checks out with reality.
Galaxies could be simulated as dots, with the size relating to the galaxy size or mass. Information on dark matter, can also be important.

•2000 BONUS – IF YOU ARE A PHYSICIST AND WILLING TO SHOW CREDENTIALS (I’ll keep them secret) I’M ACCEPTING HELP WITH CREATING EQUATIONS FOR FICTIONAL COSMOLOGY.
I basically need to establish the fundamental laws of my main canon. I’d want them to be mathematically sound.
These laws would mostly involve cosmology, astrophysics, particle physics and quantum field theory, as well as exotic modifications and additions to real theories (such as additional forces of nature, FTL and absolute spacetime reference frames).
The formulas will need to be checked with other physicists before the reward is confirmed.

Commissions resulting from this can be SFW or NSFW, or anything, as long as they don’t violate my commission rules.
If any of those interest you, let me know, and feel free to discuss what you think they’re worth.

Last modified 20/05/2023

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PART 1 – INTRODUCTION:
First of all, as I said in other places, I know I have a lot of bizarre, extreme and puzzling fetishes and interests, BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE A STRONG FILTER, or high tolerance to ideas, or a thick skin.
I’m still VERY sensitive to certain themes, and this journal is about that, as an overview that tries to be quite comprehensive.
I beg people to be very mindful of this, since exposure to those themes can ruin my day, week, month or even haunt me for years.

This journal needs to exist because I understand that people conceptualize and enjoy fetishes differently from how I do.
Sometimes this means they don’t intend any evil in ideas I’m afraid of and avoid. Other times this means people ruin things that are fine for me.
I will not go too specific because this can be very arbitrary and case-sensitive. I know this can be frustrating, so I apologize.

For organization, I’ll divide this in two parts, one for things I can tolerate and the other for things that I can’t accept no matter how hard I try.
For the things I tolerate, it’s mostly about clarifying things that might confuse people, and it’s further divided into:
•Things I might post, but I wouldn’t draw it for others like in a commission.
•Things I’m okay with on my own, in private, but wouldn’t like to share.
•Things I avoid because they bother me or mess with me, but I don’t mind if people like them.
And for the things I can’t accept, I’ll explain in detail various complicated situations and try to justify why I think it shouldn’t be done.
Please note that the things I can’t accept is THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS JOURNAL, and what I need people to avoid when around me, no matter what.

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TL;DR (if you don’t want read to past this introduction):
In general, these things can be real or fictional (but of course real is worse in many cases).
My main concern and worry is about suffering, tragedy, feel-bad content, bad endings, grimdark themes and stuff.

For what I tolerate:
•Things I might post but not do for others – When I worry about the interpretation a scenario can have, and my lack of control over the world or character.
•Things I’m okay with but won’t post – When I know people can easily interpret something in a very bad light, even if I know it’s fine because I have all the context.
•Things that bother me but I don’t mind others liking – Mostly character destruction as long as it’s consented and enjoyed by all characters.

For what I can’t accept:
•Bad endings, tragedies, dark outcomes and shock value, things that end up taking a turn for the worse or that end poorly.
•Character destruction, death or loss, without consent and/or without enjoyment.
•Disregard for virtue or morality in risky or realistic settings.
•Lust being portrayed in a negative light, causing characters to do things they might regret, or disliking the temptation.
•Sadism with true evil intent of harm or suffering, or sadistic enjoyment of real or perceived harm or suffering.
•True suffering and negative emotions, when a character wouldn’t regret it if the experience stopped.
•Self-destructive masochism, when a character’s cruel and evil intents are towards one’s self.



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PART 2 – THINGS I TOLERATE:
This part is mostly to avoid confusion in regards to themes I dislike.
This is to clarify that just because I refuse to post or draw a theme, it doesn’t mean that I actually DISLIKE IT as one of the themes I can’t accept. Sometimes it can be fine, but I’m just extra cautious with the theme.
I think it’s important for me to point this out because otherwise people might get confused, and assume I hate things that I don’t hate.

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2-a) THINGS I MIGHT POST, BUT NOT DO FOR OTHERS:
Relevant for commissions or rewards. There are themes that I’m willing to draw and post on my own, but that I could hesitate to draw when other people ask me.
This has to do with delicate things that can be easily interpreted as the things I dislike even if they’re actually harmless, or safe.

It might seem stupid and paranoid, since ANYTHING could in theory be given a dark interpretation… but some things are easier to twist than others, so I need to draw the line somewhere.
When it’s easy for something to have bad interpretations, I feel a need to have full control over the thing. This is to make sure that the original source (me) makes it harmless.
This is because some people might trick me (even if on accident), and ask me to draw a good-ending scenario for a character they usually get bad-endings for… or a setting where bad things happen and my drawing would be a link in that chain. This is why, given certain themes, I feel the need for full control.

When potentially harmful or perilous situations are left open-ended, with uncertain results, I might require non-visual information or gallery context in order to be okay with it… and while while I control the canon of my own drawings, I don’t feel the same when someone asks me to do something.
These are usually things I feel conflicted about posting, and I might not even post them, but I might change my mind in some cases:
•Some harsher forms of non-con and forced stuff.
•Kidnappings with uncertain results.
•Suspicious or dangerous transformations (like melting or petrification).
•Mind-possession or characters becoming another character.
•Vore or absorption (middle panels or mid-action).
•Underwater scenarios.
•Looming threats, threatening things, threatening creatures.
•Suggestive predator-prey interactions.
•Insanity, mindbreak or extreme loss of control.

On top of that, I might worry even if the idea itself isn’t anywhere near something bad, but it could LOOK like something bad that is COMPLETELY UNRELATED. One example is characters being asleep, which can look like… well… characters not being conscious in other ways.
I know it can be frustrating, but if you want to understand it better… you can keep the things I worry about (part 3) in mind, and try to imagine the drawing without dialogue, descriptions or context, seen by someone who is inclined to see bad things. Try to imagine how one could make the leap from the drawing to one of those things. If it’s easy, I would probably refuse.

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2-b) THINGS I’M OKAY WITH BUT WOULDN’T SHARE:
The logic here is similar to (part 2-a), on the basis of dark interpretations of my work, but in this case a darker interpretation would be expected, given how people handle a theme. My ways of “purifying” a concept might get lost when experienced by someone else, or even ignored or suppressed, but I don’t have worry about that if I keep the drawing to myself.
Another point is that sometimes we can understand a drawing incorrectly. I’ve done this in fun ways, where I hallucinated a whole fetish that the original artist never intended, so I know it’s a possibility. This can lead me to withhold drawings that might give people ideas I don’t want them having. This is rare, though, since I already commit to posting by the time I realize, and I might even recognize the interpretation anyway.

Some of these are more questionable or intense versions of the list from (part 2-a), but here it can involve things that are for sure questionable or harmful under normal circumstances (so the default interpretations people have end up being something I want to avoid).
I rarely even deal with most of these anymore, let alone draw them… But to be honest I thought I’d mention them in order to cover my bases, meaning that I figured I’ll either slip up and talk about them at some point, make a mention in a description or post one that I thought was light enough… So this is here to address when people go “wait, don’t you hate X?”.

•Gore – From light to pretty hardcore, as long as it’s happy, consented and doesn’t look lethal. Needs to be with immortal characters who regenerate.
I avoid posting because it can be easily misunderstood, on top of attracting people who I worry about a lot.

•Violence (fights, punches, bruises) – Also needs to be happy and consented and enjoyed by the characters. I don’t touch this as much as gore.
I avoid posting for the same reasons as gore. It can be misunderstood, and it can draw the wrong kind of attention.

•Light asphyxia, breathplay and choking – In my universes perishing from asphyxia is impossible. Also needs to be enjoyed and consented.
I have a complicated relationship with this… while I feel part of me wants to give it a chance, the way people enjoy it kinda ruins it. I can’t share it because of that.

•Grinning scary monsters that look too evil – Needs to be looks only, nothing nefarious happening, no real evil involved.
I’m questioning if I should even draw it. Can be hot, but maybe I should avoid it altogether. I shouldn’t post because people who like this have a considerable chance of being the exact stuff I’m terrified of.

•Supernatural depravity, demonic or satanic stuff – Can’t involve any real evil, just extreme naughtiness or vulgarity with occult themes and strong corruption.
It can be tied to some pretty bad stuff, so I need to avoid sharing it. Some lighter drawings might be shared, but heavier ones can’t, it can invite bad ideas.

•Absurd insanity or characters losing their minds – Needs the situation to be controlled to be harmless, and prevent characters from doing or desiring anything bad.
Because of the extreme loss of control or abandonment of inhibitions on a massive scale, this can invite some questionable moods. I don’t think I want to invite that.

•Sexualization of fear or being startled or spooked – No true terror allowed, no real threats, no feel-bad fear, just exciting fear/spooks in safe situations.
Considering that expressions of fear can make some of the worst stuff out there, I think I need to treat this like it’s uranium235, even if it can be cute.

•Dacryphilia or crying/sobbing – Seriously needs happiness and smiles, forbidden otherwise.
This is even worse than fear fetish, and I treat it like antimatter. It took so long for me to stop freaking out over it and it is NOT for sharing.

•Total surrender or excited acceptance – Needs to be very safe, and needs extra contextualization if the scenario can be mistaken for something else.
This might be stockholm syndrome from things I shouldn’t like, so I’m extremely suspicious of it. I might share some in exceedingly safe scenarios, but most will not be shared.

I feel like it’s important to point these out because while I don’t get automatically bothered by them in the way I handle them… one wrong step and it can easily become the things I hate (part 3), or at the very least things that bother me for sure (part 2-c).
So even though I kinda like these, and I might make reference of it, please remember that it’s a VERY slippery slope.

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2-c) THINGS THAT BOTHER ME BUT I DON’T MIND OTHERS ENJOYING:
While there are some things that bother me just due to my tendency to overthink (like the suggestion of imminent danger like “what would happen if something went wrong”), this category is pretty much just dedicated to characters dying (as long as they’re into it, or else it goes into what I hate (part 3-c)).

By that I mean depictions of death or other things that might represent the end or total destruction of a character’s being, their body, consciousness or self. As well as things that present an immediate risk of such destruction, or that will logically lead to or cause it in some way (yes, even just peril).
It doesn’t matter if it can be reversed, or if it’s just a dream, or if it’s just simulation, or even if it’s just roleplay. I have this rule that says that “fiction inside fiction is as real as the first level of fiction”, which means that any roleplay inside a fictional work needs to be treated just like the fictional work itself.

Once again, it’s very important that ALL characters involved desire, enjoy and are aware of it. If not then it doesn’t fit here, and instead it goes into (part 3-c). If it looks like there is anything nefarious, any suffering, any terror, or even if it’s too sudden to be noticed, then it also goes under the stuff I can’t accept.

As long as it stays mostly “lighthearted” (if one can even say that), I don’t really have moral issues with it, and I don’t think it’s wrong to like it.
Being honest, I did experiment with it myself throughout the years, but it never worked and it just ended up in a lot of regret, but I understand it.
If you like this category, I don’t have any judgment, but please don’t bring it up.
The reason for that is that while I have nothing against it, it can really make me feel uncomfortable with myself. I don’t know how to handle it, so it bothers me a lot.
I also have this issue where I can get proxy-horny from other people because I have a fetish for people enjoying their fetishes. In situations such as this one… it can be VERY uncomfortable and uneasy.
I’m very ashamed of this, and of other stuff, but I like to think I put this behind me. I haven’t touched it in AGES and I think I’ll keep it that way.



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PART 3 – THINGS I CAN’T ACCEPT:
So far, none of the above have been the actual problem… while some of it might make me very uncomfortable, I don’t see anything wrong with someone liking them as I described them.
Here, however, things are different. This are the things that I actually take an issue with, and the things that I would like to avoid more than anything else. The things that cause me to run away from so much, and that prevent me from enjoying many things.

Being exposed to these (even just a passing idea) could ruin my mood for days, and sometimes I don’t get over it even after some weeks, months, maybe ever. It can completely destroy my opinion of someone.
If you’re having any contact with me, DO NOT expose me to anything like them. It would hurt me a lot and I would not hesitate to block contact.

It’s also important to point out that THIS IS NOT LIMITED TO LEWD ART. While some of these themes can be less problematic depending on how they are portrayed, most of them still have a bad impact on me even in other media. Some of them remain just as bad, and only a few are more forgivable.

I’ll go into more detail for each of the points, but if you only want to know what to avoid, I’m repeating the previous TL;DR once more:

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3-a) TL;DR (generalization of all points below):
The general principle is anything that deals with objectively bad endings, tragedy, grimdark content, shock-value or disregard for an individual’s fate or existence. This includes things that are purposefully designed to cause the viewer/reader distress or to bait them into ending up feeling a mix of arousal and bad emotions. This also applies even if it’s honestly designed for sexual indulgence paired with negative emotions (instead of a trick or bait).

•Bad endings, tragedies, dark outcomes and shock value, things that end up taking a turn for the worse or that end poorly.
•Character destruction, death or loss, without consent and/or without enjoyment (even if it’s just peril).
•Disregard for virtue or morality in risky or realistic settings.
•Lust being portrayed in a negative light, causing characters to do things they might regret, or disliking the temptation.
•Sadism with true evil intent of harm or suffering, or sadistic enjoyment of real or perceived harm or suffering.
•True suffering and negative emotions, when a character wouldn’t regret it if the experience stopped.
•Self-destructive masochism, when a character’s cruel and evil intents are towards one’s self.

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3-b) BAD ENDINGS, TRAGEDIES, GRIMDARK CONTEXTS:
For this point, bad endings means putting a character through something very final or definitive that takes something very precious away from them or someone close to them (such as their dignity, virginity, sanity, freedom or life), causing a considerable amount of stress or suffering. They didn’t want it. They never wanted it.
The idea of a “final fate” bothers me a lot on its own, but when it’s a bad or tragic one, it’s many times worse.

Another point that I can fit here is tragic themes in general, things going wrong when it feels like they shouldn’t, especially.
That dark sense of irony is really bad because it’s essentially punishing a character for existing, or for being themselves. Only a monster of a creator would do that on purpose.

I really hate when things are fine and then it gets ruined. Shock value takes that to a whole new level, trying to affect the viewer/reader by baiting their feelings and then doing something horrible and sudden.

The whole idea of making your audience feel negative emotions on purpose feels icky to me, and so grimdark settings, nihilistic perspectives or bleak narratives really bother me a lot.
Themes of hopelessness, futility or just a negative portrayal of life and of people makes me very upset.

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3-c) CHARACTERS DESTROYED WITH NO CONSENT OR ENJOYMENT:
Pretty much the same as in (part 2-c), with the exception that here the characters don’t consent or enjoy it (or don’t have a chance to).

Again, this means depictions of death or other things that might represent the end or total destruction of a character’s being, their body, consciousness or self. Includes things that present an immediate risk of such destruction, or that will logically lead to that destruction, or cause it in some way.
This means that peril, risks, or imminent things are treated the same as the destruction itself, even if it’s just a desire, impulse or thought.
Remember, the physical gore isn’t what bothers me, it’s not the physical action, it’s what it means for the characters.

I’ll hate it even if it’s only simulated, dreamed, imagined, pretended… Even if it can be reversed, or even if it WILL be reversed…
If A SINGLE character is getting upset or distressed over it (either before, during or after), then it falls under this.
The same goes for things that are too sudden to be noticed, if it happens in an instant and no one has a chance to consent or accept it, too fast to even realize.
It’s also a problem if it’s shown in too large of a scale, unless every single being involved is shown to understand it, accept it, enjoy it and consent to it.

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3-d) RISKY DISREGARD FOR VIRTUE:
Situations where the characters have a high disregard for morality or virtue, extended to very serious situations.

Some naughty or perverse things are fine, the line is crossed when it explores “realistic” risks and/or consequences for things that are very wrong or distasteful in real life, along with portraying the social understanding of the setting to be like ours in the real world, even if the involved characters end up okay and nothing bad happens.

The problem here is when the characters don’t care to consider what could go wrong, acting recklessly or selfishly, despite a negative context around what they are doing. Getting pleasure from such disregard or risks is even worse.
If there is no negative context (if their society accepts it), and there is no risk for an undesirable outcome, then it doesn’t apply here.

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3-e) TEMPTATION OR LUST IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT:
I really dislike when lust or sexuality are portrayed in a very negative and undesirable light.
This can include horniness or temptation leading to negative consequences, causing characters to regret it afterwards, having lust facilitate or lure characters into doing things that make them feel worse about their morality afterwards, or facilitate or lure characters into doing things that might harm them or others (such as behavior they know is bad or risky).

Darker depictions of sexuality really dominate society and it’s not rare to see media portraying it as an evil trap that only does damage. Even if the goal is to arouse through darker stuff, having it like that just bothers me a lot.
By this I mean REAL negativity, not just things that are “naughty” and played out for the sake of fun and pleasure. I don’t wanna give examples, but I’m sure people can think of scenes they’ve seen in mature media outside the fandom, like anime, movies or shows.

If it’s portrayed as “damn I really am the worst” with the temptation being portrayed as a bad thing, then it hits here.

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3-f) TRULY EVIL SADISM:
Here I mean sadism on the level of REAL evil or cruelty, where there is an expectation of real agony or tragedy towards the victim.
This means that the sadist has real hostile intent towards someone, and has genuine intent to harm or to cause others to suffer a fate that is considered a BAD one.
This also applies to just observing and taking pleasure in bad things happening to others.

It’s important to note the BIG difference between this and the sadism I tolerate. A “good” sadist wants their “victim” to be pleasured, and likes to deliver that through teasing or rougher means, pushing boundaries and limits (of body and/or mind), but NEVER enjoying agony, and ALWAYS liking to know how much their “victim” enjoys it, even if they won’t admit it.

That is not a thing in EVIL sadism. Here it means actual hostility or disregard for the other.
Grey zones that are messed up are still messed up, so I don’t like them either. If sadism is present, it needs to be kind and for pleasure.

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3-g) TRUE SUFFERING AND NEGATIVE EMOTIONS:
I shouldn’t have to explain negative emotions, but the focus here is on situations that depict or focus on a character’s negative feelings.
I really dislike when characters are put through suffering, misery, hopelessness, genuine despair, agony or any other dark or bleak emotions. And I dislike it even more when focus is drawn to that.

This can be confused with masochism, so I want to be very clear on the difference between (good) masochism and “TRUE SUFFERING”.
For that, imagine a thought experiment where a character is going through a seemingly unfortunate situation. Genuine suffering usually causes people to feel an impulse to escape the situation, wish that the situation stops or wish that it wasn’t happening.
So the experiment is this… if the universe were to “listen” and grant the character those wishes or impulses to escape the situation… how would the character feel about that?

Usually, a suffering character should feel relieved, pack their things and go home, trying to shove that experience out of their minds, right?
However, in “good masochism”, the character might be DISAPPOINTED THAT IT STOPPED. It could feel anticlimactic, ruining the rhythm and momentum of the situation. It can sour the mood and make it hard to even get back on the same vibes, if they want it back.
Even if they asked for it to stop, they might not ACTUALLY want that, and this reveals that.

This measures how much they would regret that the universe listened to them, VERSUS how much they appear to be suffering from the situation itself.
A character that actually likes their situation wouldn’t enjoy it if the situation stopped. A character that actually wants nothing to do with it would feel relieved and move on.
And by “regret” I mean just from their own wishes interrupting their own masochism, and nothing else. No tricks, no irony, no gotchas, no regrettable side effects, no ultimatums, no sacrifices. Just harmlessly released of the situation and free to move on and yet they would regret that.

Of course there are situations where both extremes can coexist, where there is real agony but the character would regret if it stopped. The only way I can conceive of this is in situations where a character has an unhealthy relationship with their emotions, and/or genuinely wish harm upon themselves. I’ll cover that in (part 3-h).
Other than that, this should be a good measure of when a situation is just “good masochism” and when it’s “true suffering”.
Softer feelings can be okay, granted that things like pain, discomfort, annoyance, feistiness, envy, mild anger, light-hearted fright result in an experience that the characters enjoy, either despite these sensations or even because of them.

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3-h) SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MASOCHISM
This one is tricky, because this has to do with something that a character wants for themselves. It is an exception to the “true suffering” exercise (part 3-g), because here a character might regret it if the situation stops, no matter how bad it is for them.
However, we can apply similar rules to those in evil sadism (part 3-f). If their intent towards themselves is genuinely cruel, instead of seeking fun and pleasure, then it’s safe to say it fits under this.

The self-hostility alone validates this, but there are additional points to support it. If we consider that the fictional character is being FORCED to feel those desires and impulses by whoever is creating the fiction, then in a way it can almost be considered sadism by proxy. The CREATOR wants the character to suffer in horrible ways, and just makes the character desire that as well.
On the other hand, if the creator is projecting into the character (if the CREATOR wants to suffer horrible things), it might also indicate some personal issues that can be uncomfortable. If anyone IRL has that sort of hostility towards themselves, I hope most can agree that it’s concerning, so having that behind the fictional situation doesn’t help.

So it seems like even though this is “consented” by the character, there are enough factors here that prevents this from being okay.



==============================================================

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PART 4 – CONCLUSION:
I hope most people can at least see where I’m coming from in regards to the things that I absolutely CANNOT be exposed to.
These things have hurt me a lot in the past and my brain just cannot cope with them. I’m still not over it.

I believe it is wrong, and I’ll continue believing that until someone can show me how I’m mistaken.
To me, the logic on it is very solid, and the line I draw is clear. To me, the issues that apply to (part 3) do not apply to the things I’m okay with, even it it may seem arbitrary to some.
This isn’t me disliking water balloons, mint-chocolate-chip icecream or being distressed over the design of a certain car not being “what it should be”. To me, this is EXTREMELY FUNDAMENTAL, on the nature of existence, experience and empathy.
It’s very hard for me to see this as something people should be disagreeing with. As much as I try to accept “to each their own”, I can NEVER convince myself of it.

SO THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT… VERY VERY IMPORTANT:
If you happen to like this stuff, it’s a bad idea to let me know. I will downright dislike you as a person.
To understand how I would feel… imagine encountering a person who has an opposing but extremist political view on a topic you care about. Not everyone reading this will know what that is like… but I know most will. THAT is how I feel about people who like this stuff.

This is an emotional response and I know that under a rational lens I shouldn’t let that inform my actions, which is why I won’t attack anyone or loudly preach against it, but I still have to protect myself. I will block those that cannot respect my boundaries, those who expose me to any of (part 3).

As for those who understand, thank you.

Last modified 20/05/2023

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02/07/2021:
This four-account system is kinda inspired by how some artists divide their content between accounts in order to separate audiences that might be uncomfortable with eachother’s interests, but a bit more precise. This is meant to both facilitate my potential watchers AND maybe help me reach audiences in a better way. At least I think it might help with that. Other than what the normal division that people do, this four-account system is also meant to cater to those who like everything (such as me), and might be a bit inconvenienced by having to bounce between two accounts. So something for everyone.
I don’t actually know if posting the same drawings to more than one account is discouraged or not, but I couldn’t find anything in regards to that in the rules.

Well, while there are many ways that content can be divided, I feel like this system is the most intuitive, separating grossness from clean things and mundane stuff from weird and bizarre. Again, here is my content breakdown. Because I do a lot of different things, I couldn’t really fit any more divisions, or else things would become absurd.




The two BOTTOMaccounts EXCLUDE weird/bizarre content, ONLY posting mundane things. The bottom-left still posts dirty things that aren’t weird/bizarre.
The two RIGHT accounts EXCLUDE dirty, gross or unhygienic content, only. The top-right still posts weird things that aren’t dirty or gross.

The TOP-LEFT account is the main one, where EVERYTHING gets posted.
The TOP-RIGHT is for clean things that are weird, bizarre or absurd but that are NOT gross or unclean.
The BOTTOM-LEFT is for mundane things that are dirty, gross or unclean but that are NOT weird or bizarre.
The BOTTOM-RIGHT account excludes both the weird/bizarre and the gross/unclean, only posting content that is more tame.

I picked these divisions because they seemed the most intuitive and helpful, but if people think there are better divisions, I might consider changing it, if it really matters.

My reasoning is that these are not only divisions that people care about, but also divisions that encompass a lot of different things which likely cater to the same individuals. I’m going mostly by how my brain groups concepts together, true, but there is some external guidance from things I’ve seen before. The grossness division seems to be somewhat common, for instance, especially when it comes to things like scat. The weirdness one needs to be explained better, but in the past I’ve noticed that some people really care about things like cunnymouths or very big labia, so I can use things on the realms of that as a starting point.
I would also take aggressive things into account if I had to, such as gore, blood or violence. But I really don’t do these, so I don’t feel the need to even consider that.

I guess it helps to explain what I consider to go into each.
•For grossness, it is mostly focused on things that are unhygienic, unclean, disgusting or messy in a dirty way (excluding things like excessive semen). So the typical separation that people do with scat goes in these, as well as unwashed fetishes, things involving smells or really repulsive and ugly anatomy. One are where I expect conflict is urine, since I actually see urine as relatively clean (I will debate this and die on this hill), unless it’s very messy soaking, dry urine or urine that has been soaked for a while.
•Now for weirdness, it involves things that are bizarre, surreal or absurd, but that are not necessarily gross. This can involve things like hyper, expansions, body reshaping (stretching, flattening, clay), transformations, unusual anatomy and so on. Things that would definitely make someone who is more vanilla flinch a bit, even if still perfectly hygienic or trying to remain cute and appealing.
There are some edge cases that can cause issues of course, and when in doubt I will only post them on the main account, since it’s supposed to have everything in it. This could include things like musky anal vore, which is really both weird and unclean, as well as others such as strong teratophilia, which can be very bizarre but so much so to the point of being unappealing or disgusting.

I hope that my division can resonate with people, but I’m okay with changing it if people are certain of a better way. I just hope it’s caught very early on, because I won’t delete and repost drawings once they’re already in the account. I can imagine something like diapers, ABDL or babyfur stuff could be one, since I’ve seen people care about that, but even grouping those together is still a bit narrow, compared to everything that I can have. Adding another division would up the account number to 8, I think, and it would keep doubling each time.
And I know some people use their scraps for this separations and I thought about this too, but due to how my finished-unfinished drawing workflow works, I need my scraps to post unfinished work.

This system of four accounts should also help with how I don’t feel like doing the thumbnail censorship thing. I personally don’t have much against that, and it has helped me in the past, with the only thing that I can really say against it being that it does make it a bit difficult to eyeball specific pieces if you’re looking for them. That said, having to crop things in a special way that both conveys the vibes of the drawing while hiding the controversial fetish is something that might upset my workflow a bit. I’m a bit of a perfectionist, so I would definitely stress over how to do it properly for every single drawing.
I hope that instead of having to make censored thumbnails, I can take the easy path of just letting it auto-generate, and rely on the four-account system instead.
If people get too upset, I’ll put in the effort to censor thumbnails, but for now, I’d rather use this four-account system.

15/01/2022: Since FA’s tag system is so… restricting. I’m going to be posting the full tags on description, and the actual site tags will be minimized to only have general things like “male” “female” “anthro” “cat” “wolf” and so on. Tagging will also probably be based on IB’s common tags, which people use, and only that, since I gave up on using my own system alongside the normal common tags. As of right now I’m still not ready but almost. Hopefully THIS TIME I can make promises I won’t break, and I won’t need to update or change this part of the journal anymore.

If anyone ever wondered what those hg_ag_nl_ml tags I’ve added in some drawings were, they are this system which I failed to talk about:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet.....ue&sd=true
I’ll continue to use that.

02/07/2021:
FAIR WARNING: Because the entirety of my content cannot be posted here on FurAffinity, I have other accounts in other platforms where I have more content, but I only use this system here. Sure I can manage four accounts in one site. But if I’m asked to do it in three more sites then sorry but no. At least InkBunny has a very good blacklist system which can be used instead. Go to my profile for links to my other accounts.
Again, for a good idea of the type of content I draw, check here.

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🔞WARNING🔞: MY CONTENT IS VERY NSFW AND VERY EXPLICIT, and I shall discuss those themes here for those who are interested.
Read at your own discretion.

Most of what I do is fetish stuff that can be weird, gross or both, and it can be very bizarre, surreal, nonsensical and even cringy sometimes.

My content also involves a lot of RANDOM, in-the-moment, one-off stuff, including the characters. I don’t usually stick to a single setting, and my characters are usually not even real permanent characters, but instead just made on-the-spot.
There are some exceptions to this, of course, but most “characters” I feature aren’t even characters. They are not planned, are being drawn for the first time and I probably won’t draw them again.

This means that a lot of the situations I draw can also involve a lot of “fake lore” or contexts that are made up on-the-spot, even though it might seem like there is some deeper thought or deeper lore behind them.
Any context will probably be present in the descriptions, be it about the characters, setting or situation. I’ll say there if this is part of a bigger continuity or not, but it usually isn’t.

Now back on the topic of the themes I draw, I can try to make a list like I tried so may times before, but this list doesn’t cover everything, I always forget something.
My gallery could be a good indication, but it’s also important to point out that I don’t post everything I draw, and I don’t always have the opportunity or the spontaneity to draw all the themes I like.


•Relationships, orientation play, multiple partners, partner swapping, a bit of cuckold (but not mean).
•Exhibitionism, public stuff, public sex or masturbation, public use, dubious consent, forced, non-con, rape (but the victim likes it).
•Humiliation, sadomasochism, a lot of BDSM stuff, bondage, gasmasks, kink suits, fursuits, costumes.
•Aliens, hard xenos, monsters, cryptids, weird beasts, chimeras, ferals, bestiality, zoorelationships, anthros, humans, interspecies, weird species, interbreeding.
•Old characters, underage characters, characters who like underage characters, themes of childhood, plushies, baby stuff, ABDL, diapers in general, sissy stuff, feminization.
•Crossdressing, traps, non-binary, transitioning, herms, dickgirls, cuntboys, confusing genders or sex.
•Incest, inbreeding, affection, hugs, kisses, love, comfort, themes of innocence or wholesomeness.
•Normal sex, vanilla sex, sex toy use, oral, normal mundane situations or contexts of modern society that are kinky.
•Normal situations made erotic or sexual, non-sexual things made sexual, people ignoring erotic, weird or absurd stuff, or treating it like it’s normal.
•Absurd or surreal contexts, interactions and fetishes, things made to be weird, various fetishes taken to extremes, excessive things.
•Fantastical settings, magical stuff, different cultures, strange cultures, different social rules, sexual social rules, sextopias, sci-fi settings, fuck-machines, devices and apparatuses.
•Objectophilia, mechanophilia, anthropomorphization and erotization of weird concepts or ideas like planets, landscapes, clockwork, single-celled organisms, and so on.
•Drug use, mind control, corruption, transformations, body changes, reshaping, clay, rubber, stretching, melting, petrification, conjoined, merging, slime, tar, sinking (no bad •endings).
•Unusual anatomy, sexual anatomy, excessive fluids, hyper stuff, big parts, multiple limbs, multiple genitalia, amputees.
•Multiple penetrations, unusual penetrations, urethral insertions, nostril penetrations, prehensile parts, prolapses, gape, hypergape.
•Butt stuff, a lot of butthole stuff, a lot of foot stuff and other partialism stuff in general.
•Pretty much any fluids or bodily excretions, including blood and tears (but not crying or actual dangerous harm, check this for details).
•Bathroom fetishes, omorashi, bathroom accidents, peeing, pooping, water sports, scat, smearing, vomit, farts, wet and messy, soiling or wetting things.
•Very filthy, gross and unhygienic things, unappealing anatomy, ugly anatomy, smelly or stinky fetishes, musky parts like butts, feet, cocks and so on, unwashed fetishes, body filth.
•Themes of degeneracy, decay, vulgarity or vileness (but nothing cruel or too nefarious, again here).
•Monster hives or alien hives, cocoons, formicophilia, parasites, infestations, being infested with eggs.
•Receiving eggs, laying eggs, pregnancy, lactation, large insertions, fisting, head insertions, full body insertions, unbirth, rebirth, birth in general.
•Normal soft vore (very complicated relationship, almost lost this fetish), mawshots, anal vore, cock vore, unusual forms of vore, absorption.
•Gluttony, foodplay, feeding, tube feeding, fattening, fat fetishes, a bit of muscle fetishes.
•Various specific body types and fetishes around the shape or looks of a character.


It’s important to point out that I DO NOT have a “strong filter” or “high tolerance” to most fetishes and forms of content, even though what I draw can be considered “disturbing” by some. Don’t assume I’d stomach some fetishes just because of what I like.
There are A LOT of things I don’t like and wouldn’t want to deal with, despite liking all of the things above.
I like to think my sensibility to stuff makes sense, but I feel like pointing this out because it can surprise people (and has surprised people in the past).
More on that HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).

Sometimes I might do SFW stuff, or at least as close to SFW as my art can go. The non-lewd themes I usually deal with can involve worldbuilding, fantasy and sci-fi. I might draw some scenery, ancient temples, alien planets, aesthetic environments and things like that.
I also have other interests outside of drawing NSFW stuff. A lot of it has to do with science and creating things like fictional physics, languages and more.
If anyone is curious, HERE([04] OTHER THINGS I LIKE).

Do not expect me to be social about my interests, though.
I do not wish to bond with anyone over any of this, but I’m happy to just show it to people who want to see it.

Last modified 20/05/2023

First let me clarify that by “fandom” I don’t necessarily mean just the furry fandom, though of course, the furry fandom is the biggest part of it.
I mean more like just the online communities that deal with kinky stuff, fetishes and lewd art, as well as a bit of the SFW part of the furry fandom.

I was never too involved before, I used to keep my distance at first, since I was embarrassed about the things I liked, but I still always loved to draw that stuff, and later on share it anonymously, and draw for other people anonymously.
However, the things I could find outside were also REALLY important to me, from the very start. I used to love looking around for new ideas, new fetishes, things I haven’t seen before. I could always explore more. It’s what pulled me in, and boosted my creativity into what it came to be for many years.
But still, I never really established myself because I wanted to stay anonymous, and so I kept my lewd self in small communities.

Eventually I ended up seeing things that made me SERIOUSLY change my mind. It’s not entirely the fault of kinky online communities, because a lot of fiction also scarred me (especially some anime), but I also saw a lot of stuff in the fandom that made me really scared of what I can find in other people’s creations now. Maybe I’d end up collapsing no matter what, but I blame the fandom for my struggle and trauma with THIS([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA).



When I ran away I got trapped inside myself for a while, still remembering the fandom. Sometimes I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like if I allowed myself to be in the middle of all that… This continued up until just after I returned, but it’s fading now.
I guess I used to fantasize being part of the fandom, having a web of friendships, being known and interacting with people, but I’ve been away for so long that I kinda got over it.

I have no idea what things are like anymore. I don’t really know what you guys inhabit, that probably shows sometimes. I don’t know what to expect, I’m really alienated.
I would be lying if I said that I never think about fully integrating myself, though, and having fun with people. It’s just more rare now, and more… fictional? I guess I’m giving up on the real world, and the real version of the fandom.



If anyone is wondering why I’m even here, then… it’s mostly because I’m too socially inept to get a “job” anywhere else. I just can’t do it right now, but I can make money like this. I used to be way more terrified of what it would be like, but it turns out it’s way more comfortable than I expected before I returned.
It’s not optimal, and I’d love to never actually have to bother, and just bubble myself forever, but I can’t do that, and everything else would just be worse than this. I’m lucky I can do this for a living.

It’s not that I hate it here, I’m just scared. I do like to share my stuff. I like to give people what they want… I guess that never went away, and maybe it can change all the rest, but I wouldn’t count on it.
For now I’ll try to just do my own thing, and let people look into my bubble.

Last modified 20/05/2023

I avoid making friends. If you’re not someone I knew from before I went into hiding in 2020, then your chances of befriending me are zero.
This doesn’t mean I have anything against you, I might actually still be quite friendly, I just avoid having closer contact.
I fear that if I let people believe we’re friends, one day push will come to shove and I’ll prioritize my hyper-sensitive paranoid self-preservation which might feel like a hurtful betrayal to them.

Friendships have put me through a lot of stress before, and they are a lot of responsibility. I don’t want that anymore.
Some might still try, a lot have tried before, but even if you feel like it will be different for you, it’s not going to work, and if it looks like it’s working, that’s probably not good.

Again, that doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly with people, and I’m also way more receptive to people I already knew, but I just don’t want anyone to think the social contract has been signed… I will not prioritize other people’s well being over mine, and I will not trust anyone. I don’t think that can be called a friendship.
My only friendships are Kat and someone I knew from before, who has managed to stay aligned with what is important to me despite little incentive for them to do so.

I’ll risk looking very evil, but for the sake of honesty and transparency, I’ll simulate what WOULD happen if I were to befriend anyone:
Say I meet person X, and person X really likes my stuff, person X manages to get me to be friendlier than usual.
I get attached to person X and decide to lower the barrier, and we actually share a lot of interests and very good ideas.
Person X really thinks we are good friends.
Then one day I come to learn that person X likes something that makes me feel bad. Or that person X is very close to someone who I still resent and person X endorses them.
Person X is now blocked. I move on.

It takes one wrong link, one wrong image, one wrong connection, one wrong idea for me to entirely disown someone off my life.
People have to be constantly walking on eggshells to just be around me. If that sounds like friendship, then I have a very different idea of friendship.

I don’t really want to talk about WHAT caused me to be like this, so all I’ll say is that things happened in the past that made me REALLY regret interact with people who I considered friends.
In some situations I tried, and it made things worse, for everyone. In others I was just straight up backstabbed. In others my OCD is what made things fall apart.
Friendships are just unnecessary stress to me. I really don’t need to take this risk. I have Kat and I can be friendly with strangers from a safe distance.

I really thought this could change when I first returned. Maybe it still can… but I feel like since then I got WAY sturdier in how much I want to avoid friendships.
I don’t want to give anyone false hopes.
If you’re worried about interacting with me, maybe there is a good reason HERE([08] CONTENT OF MY TRAUMA), and if that’s true, don’t let me know.
I will not be rude or start drama, it’s only a matter of cutting contact because I can’t handle any of that.

Last modified 20/05/2023

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I do have some interests outside of lewd art, and while I was mostly focused on lewd-only before, I’ve come to accept my SFW side a bit more as of late.
I do like to have a certain mystique about the things I do, and I can focus a lot on aesthetics and vibes sometimes (however cringe that might sound, but it’s the best way I have of explaining it).

I also like stuff related to knowledge and sciences, and I’ve been told before that I can be annoying with how much of a smartpants I can be.
I of course like to apply this knowledge to fictional things I create, and imagine sciences or natural laws different from the real world, like alternative physics, speculative evolution, magic systems, fictional technology and so on.
I like doing worldbuilding for the sake of worldbuilding, and I’m not very narrative or plot driven. Expect a lot of lore from me, but zero character drama.

I can like a lot of sci-fi and fantasy when it comes to SFW stuff, while my mundane interests (things that are more down-to earth and involve more realistic modern societies) are more NSFW. I need something big and grandiose if the lewd isn’t involved, or else it’s kinda boring to me.
I’m not very interested in stories that are set in the real world with normal stuff, though depending on the aesthetics I might like it if it’s cute, wholesome or inspiring, though that’s rare.
That said, I don’t usually engage with fiction created by other people, since I try to avoid other people’s creations, more info HERE([07] WHY NOT BROWSE ANYMORE).

I also like things that are weird or unusual, like the occult, the paranormal, UFOs, cryptids and so on (as long as it isn’t anything messed up), though I don’t believe in anything paranormal, but I still like adding occultism and mythology to my settings sometimes, and doing things related to those concepts.
I also like symbolism A LOT (anyone who has been keeping an eye on me since bygone eons would remember some of my obsessions with symbolism). I also have a thing for balance and symbolism related to that, but that might be the OCD.

I try not to be too “poetic” with my interests like aesthetic and symbolism because I know that can come across as pretentious and cringy.
I also try not to be too much of a pseudointellectual high-horse egghead, but sometimes I can’t help it.
Do not expect me to be social about my interests, though.
I do not wish to bond with anyone over any of this, but I’m happy to just show it to people who want to see it.

Last modified 20/05/2023

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