Hi!

So next month I'm doing the PokePaw thing, where I draw feet/paws every day for a month. Already have one done and a handful of others sketched/inked, it should be a fun month!

For those of you with Bluesky, I am opening up suggestions for FIVE of the thirty, as voted on by people. The top five comments with the most likes will dictate which Pokemon I draw!

If you want to participate (either to comment or just to vote to influence the outcome), you can check out the post with all the details here!

I just realized I should make a post about this, because it's such a big deal, I've been thinking about it a lot.

Samson evolved the other day! It was a harrowing scene, a life-or-death situation sort of thing that's hard to give an overview of, but effectively: his 'big brother' (not related by blood, but they have that sort of relationship) Max got involved fighting some bad guy ghosts. Sam and Barson caught sight of him in a crowded marketplace before he headed to an abandoned building, where Max was fighting a ghost named Piotr. Sam and Barson got their own hands full of another ghost, Brianna, a Mimikyu (ever want to know what's under the cover? No, you don't), who ended up nearly killing Sam.

He's been carrying a Fire Stone around with him as a last resort for months now, so after he got buried in rubble and was on death's door, he evolved to chase the ghosts away, though not before Max got critically injured, mostly by the ghost, but also in part due to a wayward dark attack from Barson that went awry. Isn't that just the nature of dark moves? You can never count on them in a time of need.

The scene is over and done, but Barson is in a very bad spot mentally, Max is in a very bad physically, and Sam is just doing his best to keep on trucking as he gets used to this brand new much, much bigger body.

The name of the scene is Turning Point, and you can read it here.

In any case, I'll be drawing a lot more Arcanine Sam going forward, but I don't plan on abandoning Growlithe Sam. I'll probably draw him as a Growlithe as much as I used to draw him as an Arcanine, you know what I mean?

I do have some sketch pages coming up as well as I continue to get used to his new form. I'm very excited about the RP opportunities brought up.. and grateful that Barson's Christmas (we call it Rebuild Day) gift to him was some larger clothes for his new form.

Keep it real, and if you have any questions about Sam (or any of my characters, really) feel free to ask, I love talking about my little RP world.

~Sam

Happy new year 2025!!

I moved some of my art to scraps just as a cleanup for the new year, so just keep that in mind if you're looking for something.

Let's make it a good year!

Right, so...

I know that I need to leave Twitter. Politically, it's shifting further and further away from my views. It isn't only that there have been changes made to the platform that directly influence right-wing nutters and suppress left-wing thought (all while claiming 'free speech', a laughable hypocrisy). It's that participation there directly feeds into the pocketbook of one Elon Musk.

I've lived the last few years blocking and muting him, operating under the assumption that Musk was intentionally fanning the flames of outrage on Twitter, and that by quoting him and talking about him, you're playing right into his hands. He doesn't care what you say about him, as long as you're A) talking about him, and B) getting other people to counter your points and continue talking about him. This generates more clicks, more buzz, more excitement, and more Twitter revenue. That was, to me, distasteful, but something that could be ignored. If Musk takes up no real estate in your head, then he's not winning.

I don't think I was entirely off in this assessment, but I see now it was incomplete. Because while Musk does want to get money, and lots of it (he's set to become the world's first trillionaire in a matter of years), it's clear that at least in part, this far right-wing political influence isn't exclusively an act made to make money. He does, on some level, believe it, and is using his wealth to push the needle in that direction. His direct, influential involvement in the Trump campaign is proof of that.

And in being a part of Twitter, I am in some small way assisting this. The 3K followers I have is a drop in the bucket compared to those with millions of followers, yes, but it's still a tacit endorsement. It's an agreement to be manipulated for right-wing gain. It is a small pillar helping support a nasty, dirty thing that is shaping the world for the worse.

You can say I'm overexaggerating, and that's fine. It's not really a point I want to argue. The truth is that all this just leads into giving a more moral, broader, world-affecting reason to leave Twitter, which is in addition to both the mental health stuff (Twitter is so angry and it makes me grumpy) and the fact that it just sort of sucks now (ads every 5 posts, blue checkmarks spamming comments, bots, etc.).

The part that's bumming me out, though, is that even with all of these reasons, and even with the fact that my income does not in any way depend on Twitter, that I still am having a hard time pressing the nuke button. 3K followers isn't a ton, but it's a lot for ME, and I do take pride and satisfaction from knowing that this many people want to see my stuff.

And for me to say "I do not want to stop supporting this organization that I consider evil, so that my vanity can remain unchecked"...

Well, the truth is that, I'm writing this post in hopes of convincing myself to let it go, and I think I'm a step closer now. It won't be long now. I've already reduced my reposting greatly, and I haven't posted anything other than just art in a long time.

... Yeah, the one with Rin eating noodles got 2.5K likes, it was the third most popular piece I've ever done, and I just can't say that this means nothing to me. It feels GOOD to work hard on something, and then have it be seen and appreciated.

... But I have to stop thinking of it that way. I have to stop caring about numbers. Because ultimately, it's less meaningful than the fact that it's keeping people adhered to a website that's polluting the world.

Anyway, suffice it all to say, I'm more active on Bluesky these days, and I hope soon to make it my sole social media flatform.

Keep it real y'all,

~Sam

Hullo, hope you're enjoying PokePaw September!

I haven't done a real RP-focused post in a while, and I don't want to be as verbose as usual. What I do want to say is that Pokemorph Paradise is going pretty strong, we've got people RPing pretty much every day. We've had a new app approval this week and another person joined the Discord, so we're still growing.

Ultimately, one of the (many) reasons I picked up drawing in the first place was to just spread awareness of this place and to draw the people within this little RP world, so I'm glad we're making a bit of a name for ourselves. But always looking for more RPers!

Well, speaking of RP, I guess there is something I should bring up. I haven't really known the best way to broach the subject, since making a public 'statement' feels very cheesy, and I don't even really know how many people outside of Paradise really care.

But in any case, a few weeks ago, Sam and Dacre broke up. The IC reason is that Sam saw his Evil Ex in public, had a little crisis, and realized that much to his dismay he wasn't over this person who mistreated him, and needed to be single again to reconcile it. I'm not really going to go into the OOC reasons here, only to say that I was the one who initiated it, Dacre's player isn't to blame, he's a good person, and I'm glad he was in my life for the almost-year they were together.

So yeah, my main is single again, but I guess I want to keep it that way for a while. He's got plenty of stuff going on anyway, wrapped up in, well, basically several murder-related plots, befriending everybody in the city, and just generally living his life, so he'll be all right, I don't think he'll be lonely.

Brunn, my Ursaring, is doing really well honestly, probably the best he's ever done. He now has TWO friends (in addition to Barson, his mate of like... IDK like over two years now? It's been a while), which I think just shows his general growth in trying to be more personable and to just enjoy life more, now that he has something to live for. His and Barson's tea-and-book shop will open by the end of the year, and I have a little surprise in store before then...

Due to a bunch of reasons and some long, long OOC talks that I am soooo not getting into here, I kinda shelved Rin, my Pangoro, for a while to let the dust settle. But now that things have calmed down, returning to that angry little panda man is growing increasingly more appealing, so I suspect I'll be inhabiting that skin before long.

And Tess, poor Tess, how I need to do something with her. I'm sorry, playing girls is hard! She did at least help her bandmates with a housewarming event, and a player on the MUSH is working on an application to play their drummer, so I think she'll have more stuff to do once the summer heat dies down.

So hey, that's a wrap. ... Did I just say I didn't want to be verbose, and then wrote like a dozen paragraphs?

Anyway, Colour Wars on Paradise this month, and then I'll be hosting a barbeque IC at the end of the month. Jack will be there! He always shows up for barbeque events.

Take care loves. As ever, feel free to ask any questions you like about my characters or about just like MUSHing/RP in general.

~Sam

Feeling chatty. Ask me anything about any my characters and I'll answer.

SFW, NSFW, IDC, anything works, I'm feeling spicy.

I want to do a little project this September, where I draw the paws of each of 30 different Pokemon species and post them every day of the month.

I don't imagine any of them will be as clean as any of my other stuff (probably little to no shading, and almost certainly no backgrounds) so I'll probably pop them all into scraps. But feel free to keep an eye out! Some of them will be some new species I've never drawn before.

I have 25 definites:

Beartic
Ursaring
Pangoro
Growlithe
Arcanine

Zigzagoon
Feraligatr
Tyrantrum
Tyranitar
Samurott

Pyroar
Incineroar
Rhydon
Mabosstiff
Charizard

Dragonite
Typhlosion
Entei
Mightyena
Nidoking

Vulpix
Yamper
Aggron
Slowpoke
Greedent

And then I'll pick 5 from the maybe pile:
Swampert
Krookodile
Bewear (I actually do really wanna draw these, just really don't want people thirsting about Sam's dad LOL)
Vigoroth
Zangoose
Snorlax
Luxray
Lycanroc
Groudon
Urshifu

It'll all be SFW, maybe a little suggestive, but should still be fun. Get excited! Or, um, don't, if you're not into paws.

Hey, hope you're all doing well. Thank you all for the kind words and comments on my art, I'm still very much learning with every new piece, and hope to continue!

I had the thought while stocking shelves yesterday (did you know I work overnight as a cashier/stocker at a grocery store? Now you do!) that I am not very 'talented' at art. I don't say this as a way of fishing for comments or sympathy, to be clear, I'm extremely proud of the progress I've made. But I also know that if I'm any good, it's because I've spent a lot of time looking very closely at the artwork of some of my favorite artists (DJ-Rodney, Dogoro03, Takemoto Arashi, WFA, Bakemonoy, Smlieichii, Adios -- I could go on) and trying to take pointers on what I think makes their art look so appealing. I've just practiced a lot, but I can tell I don't have any particular 'innate' aptitude for it -- I'm just stubborn, and was willing to give up a lot of my video game playing time to practice.

All this is to say that I would say that RP is something that comes 'naturally' to me by this point. I've been doing it since I was 12 (which is 27 years ago, if you can believe it), it's just such a strong part of who I am. It's a neat twist of fate that instead of my art interfering with my RP, the two actually work in synergy. Most of the time, I draw either my OCs or characters that I RP with, so I get inspired by the scenes I do. What's doubly neat is that I can usually draw between RP poses, so I generally spend most evenings before work just doing both at once.

We're coming up on a year since Pokemorph Paradise was opened, and honestly, I'm having a good time with all the roleplay. Keeps me busy for sure! It's altogether going well (AHHH SAM HAS A BOYFRIEND AAAH), our Discord is active, I'd say there's probably about 8-10 RP scenes going on a week (yes okay MAYBE half of them are mine), and since MUSHing is both niche and a bit archaic, I'm altogether pleased.

We'll be looking to do advertising on FurAffinity starting next month, so hey, you might see some banners around!

I've really considered the idea of offering free art for people who apply. A ton of the stuff I draw is of other people's characters anyway (Barson, Dacre, Abigail, Zerzan, Max, Tyson, Tsubaze, Ethan, Fergus -- these are all other played and owned by people other than me), so I mean, it wouldn't even be out of character for me. But that feels like giving people an incentive outside of just like... the desire to RP with anthro Pokemon, so I've decided against making something official. (Plus that gives me an out for if somebody rolls a creepy Aipom-Pokemorph just to antagonize me. >.> )

That said, I do try to make an effort to draw characters who I see being active and RPing regularly, just because I really do feel like gift art can really increase a person's attachment to their character (and also usually because I become attached to interesting characters!), so there you go. Maybe incentive to join? Maybe, maybe.

Info's all here, and I am more than happy to talk about this via FA note, Discord, Telegram, whatever ya like!

Other than that, life is fine, work is going well, I recently went viral on Twitter (almost 250 K likes on a meme post I didn't even create LOL -- I'm really glad I gave credit right when I posted), and um yeah like I said earlier SAM HAS A BIG HUNKY BOYFRIEND. People who've been watching my journal for years know I've been worried about this for years now, so I'm really happy for my little butterball. They're at like six months together and going strong!

Keep it real lovelies.

Hey, it's been almost exactly a year since I started drawing. I still love it, and looking over my gallery, I really enjoyed seeing my progress month after month. I still have a long way to go!

I've decided to move some of my stuff in my gallery over to scraps. I did leave in a handful of older pieces that I think were still pretty good for my experience level at the time, but for the most part, I think I'll be cleaning up my older stuff every year or so to up the overall quality of the gallery.

Thank you for the support throughout the year! I hope to continue to improve with every new piece.

~Sam

All right, so, the MUSH I'm second-in-command on is up and running!

Pokemorph Paradise is an RP MUSH, using the AresMUSH engine. The elevator pitch is that there are many (over a million) anthropomorphic Pokemon, banished to a beautiful island chain and setting up a modern-ish society. Because this is part of a Pokemon Multiverse of sorts, technology varies from stuff that was technologically out of fashion in our world decades ago, to things we haven't invented yet. After all, teleporters are just sort of a common-ish thing in the Pokemon World, for instance.

Samson (my Growlithe) was my first character I brought over there, and I now have a Marowak lady named Kala. Brunn and Tess are coming before long! We're still a bit small, a little over a dozen characters, but we have plans of advertising and growing bigger and bigger.

Some quick points:

The RP is 100% text-based. There are various commands you can pull up to review people's profile information, their background, their moveset, and so forth. Most clients do allow for colors, so while it's all text, it's still fairly pretty to look at.

Here is the main webpage! Our Head Admin Sunshine did most of the theme stuff, but I wrote about 95% of the pages, including the little drop-down menus. So if you browse the Wiki, just know that I typed out most of it!

The setting is 16+. There's a little violence and occasional adult themes, but it's not exactly hardcore. It's not really a MUSH with a focus on sexytimes, so don't expect it to be like F-List or something. Naturally, relationships do grow over time, so stuff can happen either off-MU* or behind locked doors, and I won't lie, I'm really hoping Sam finds a partner there, but this 100% isn't a place for like "hey nice shoes, wanna ERP?". (I actually prefer it that way anyway, it's much more interesting to have romantic relationships build up over time as is!)

Most of the characters are anthropomorphic Pokemon of the traditional 'furry' sense, but there are Humorphs, who are kinda more catgirl/gijinka-esque. Look more like humans with a few Pokemon attributes, like ears and tails. There are also occasionally humans and non-morphed Pokemon, but they're pretty rare. See the Species page for more info.

If you have NO IDEA what a MUSH is, that's fine! There's a web client where you can log on as a guest in your browser. This would work well as a "first MUSH experience". I've also created an Introduction to MUSHing page, with screenshots, to give a better idea of how MUSHes work.

There's a neat Genealogy and Heritage feature, where characters can take a few small attributes from their non-dominant parent (usually the father, since the mother typically decides the species and thus is the dominant parent). People have had a lot of fun splashing just little hybrid effects to their characters -- nothing big, just a move or two or some small physical features, but it really adds a lot of flavor. It's also fully optional.

All right, that's all I got. My staffer name is Tusker there. You can ask me questions here or via a PM through FA Note, Telegram, or Discord... or heck, just log in as a guest and ask on the guest channel!

Keep it real folks.

~Sam

Looking for more mutuals, so add me or lemme know your name so I can add you!

https://bsky.app/profile/samburr.bsky.social

Character applications are now open for Pokemorph Paradise!

This means you can go through the process of creating a character for our MUSH, and if approved, you'll be able to log in and roleplay with us once the MUSH is opened (which is soon -- Friday, August 11).

(Even if the app isn't approved we'll just tell you what to fix, so don't worry. The app is really just a way of really helping you thinking in-depth about the character you'll be playing.)

Oh yeah and it's like totally free and with no ads or anything if that's a concern. MUSHing clients are also free of charge.

If you're interested in anthro-Pokemon RP with me, give it a look! I'm available for any questions via notes here, Discord, Telegram, comments here... pretty much anywhere.

Hope you'll consider giving it a shot!

https://pokemorphparadise.aresmush.com/wiki/home

So, with Paradise MUSH's opening on the horizon soon, I've been thinking about what will happen with my existing characters.

At least two of them, Sam and Brunn, will just be ported over. Wormholes from other dimensions is built into the theme, and I think since most of us starting up on Paradise were once on Pokemorph MUSH, a lot of us are simply bringing our existing characters over rather than starting them from scratch; they've grown too much to be abandoned now. I'll also most likely recreate Tess, my Nickit singer, so within the first few months on Paradise, I'll already have most of the same characters I've been playing over the last few years anyhow. Their stories are yet to be written in full.

I'm going to allow myself a little flexibility, though. Even though Sam and Brunn are going to wind up in the world of Paradise through dimensional transportation, I think for my own peace of mind I'm going to assume that doppelgangers are created, and they'll still also exist in their original world. Part of it is just because when I think of Sam's poor family just waking up one day and him being completely missing without a trace, I feel an actual stab of guilt and sadness.

So, to finally put my time on PMM fully to rest, I'm going to give my five characters their endings, so I can focus on the new stories to come.


Samson, Growlithe-morph: My precious babbu has gone through way too much BS to not get a happy ending. I've seen him go through dozens of fights, have his wallet stolen three times, painted a target on his back for the diabolical head of an evil organization, nearly had him killed by a crazy Drapion and a crazy Dragonite and a... not-sure-if-crazy-but-probably Litwick. And this isn't even counting the way I put him through the wringer with Viktor. Dude's a good guy, he deserves to be happy.

I see him continuing to get stronger -- never to the point of being a truly great fighter, but enough to hold his own. He'd keep his friendships, clinging to folks like Max and Barson and Pearl with everything he's got. I also think he might end up going back to university to complete his degree in culinary arts, and take over the bakery for his dad when the Bewear's ready to retire.

And I think...

All right, so he and RJ aren't a couple. The idea behind their relationship is that Sam wants one and RJ's just not really built for that. But like, Bear Enthusiast that he is, Sam isn't going to say no to getting it on with a huge Beartic, I mean, c'mon, you gotta take what you can get.

Every month or so, Sam goes "I'm not satisfied, I want a real boyfriend, so I tragically must leave you forever, RJ! FAREWELL!" He then leaves sadly and dramatically, only to come crawling back after a miserable date a week later. He's an emotional guy, that's just the way he works, RJ pats him on the head and does redacted and then, the next day, Sam feels... somewhat better. Not emotionally satisfied, but at least he got some.

I think the happiest ending for Sam is for him to wind back up with Roy, his second boyfriend, the Rhydon-morph. Sam and Roy were together for about a year in Sam's backstory, and the truth is, they were happy together. Roy is a quiet, serious guy, a gym-rat who on the outside doesn't seem to have much personality, but he's honestly an inwardly passionate guy. His calm nature was a good foil for Sam's more exuberant, cheerful personality, keeping him grounded while, in turn, responding favorably to Sam getting him into more interests. I like to think Roy, who had never played a board game in his life, started to really enjoy playing chess and other strategy games due to Sam's influence.

This was all before Viktor (Sam's third boyfriend and a real dick of a dude) poisoned his mind against Roy, painting the Rhydon's stalwart, serious nature as boring and uninteresting. Sam was more gullible in those days, and in his nativity, he fell for it hook line and sinker. He broke up with Roy and got with Viktor, indisputably the worst decision of his life, given that Vik... well, we don't need to get into it, but it wasn't pretty.

Roy was heartbroken, but moved on, getting a twinky Minccino (now Cinccino) boyfriend.

A year or so later, after the debacle with Viktor and following Sam's subsequent breaking and recovery, the Growlithe was too ashamed to really reach out to Roy. But he knew at least that his ex had moved on and was genuinely happy for him. Sam knew he messed up bad breaking up with Roy, and was just relieved that Roy had managed to find happiness in the aftermath.

So I think think the Cinccino (Pat) was kind of a haughty, arrogant sort of guy, maybe a little too flirty for Roy's serious personality. They would have made it three or four years as a couple before breaking up.

And I think, after the dust cleared, Sam would reach out and try again with Roy, and I think this time, it would stick. They'd be happy together, maybe adopt a couple kids, and live a good long life.

And to answer a question that some people do actually ask sometimes...

Yes, I think he'd evolve. Probably sometime in the next decade, around Sam's mid-30s.

As it stands now, Sam has several reasons for not wanting to evolve. The most dramatic and obvious one is that the inciting incident that sent Viktor to the hospital -- and finally got Sam free from his influence -- was that Viktor tried to force a Fire Stone on him, and didn't expect Sam to fight back as hard as he did. So, staying a Growlithe has some significance to him there -- Sam is deadset on it being his own choice, his own will.

Sam also grew up with body confidence issues. Having a Bewear dad, and two parents who had no issues making sure he always had a full belly, made sure it so that he's always been a chubby guy. I think he got teased, especially in his youth, and since he's kind of a geek, that lead to some confidence issues as a teenager.

These are things he's mostly overcome now in his adulthood, and he's proud of his body now -- and that includes being a Growlithe. To Sam, it doesn't make sense to spend 25 years getting accustomed to his body, only to change it in a sudden and dramatic way.

But, that having been said, I think once he and Roy have stayed together for a long time, Sam would start to look at that as his next big step. Evolving Sam has always been something on my radar, but I want it to be an event that holds significance. It's a step he could never go back from, and also something I only planned on ever having him do when in a committed relationship. Now that I'm planning out his ending, he's there.

So that's his ending. Naturally, the Sam I will continue to play has his whole life ahead of him. Who knows what awaits him in this new world? Combat? Evolution? Love? It's going to be an interesting future for sure!


Brunn, Ursaring-morph: Like Sam, Brunn's also moving over to Paradise as himself, not being recreated from scratch. This is mostly because his relationship with Barson is something we've grown organically for months -- years now -- and neither Barson's player nor I wanted to let that go. After all, they had plans, and now these plans for Brunn are ones I can describe here. (It's possible that the ending I write here will reflect what happens on Paradise, truth be told.)

I think Brunn will mostly retire from fighting, after having made a pretty good show at the last tournament PMM ran. (Well, okay, the one Max and I ran because the staff didn't. >.> ) He would continue to box just to keep in shape, or at least just try to avoid getting too fat, and he'd also help train Barson. I do see the possibility of them doing a 'tag team' fight tournament, so that would be the one thing that would keep Brunn out of retiring. Despite his age, he's actually more spirited these days than he has been in decades, so even though his everything hurts all the time, he could at least continue to put up a good fight for a few years yet.

And...

He and Barson have dreamed of opening up a tea-and-book shop for a long time now. We were planning on doing so eventually on PMM before it went down, it was part of our 2023 plans, but it didn't pan out. But that would be their eventual destination, I think. A cute, quaint little shop, with books available for purchase or renting, tea and coffee and some simple sweet snacks. Brunn is good at accounting, so he wouldn't have a problem balancing the books.

Dealing with customers would be something he'd have a hard time with... but I think he could at least get to the point of not actively scaring people away. He'll probably never be a friendly barista (bearista?), but the more Barson gets him to read, the more chances he'd have of actually connecting with guests. Brunn isn't so big an introvert that he wouldn't willingly talk with people who share his interests, after all.

He and Barson would move into the upper floor of the tea shop and just be happy normal types until... well, I guess until Brunn passed away, which I don't think would be very soon. Brunn's somewhere between 45 and 50 years old, and Prism Island has a pretty good health system, so while he's an old bear he's still got a few decades left.

This is unrelated to his ending, but on Paradise, everybody (even those who can't terastilize, which is most folks actually) has a Tera type. Most folks just have their primary type, and that's what I'll be doing for most of my characters, but I decided to give Brunn an Earth Tera type. Barson, independently, decided on an Electric tera type, so I think that's just nifty of them both being normal but having such opposite tera types to reflect their personalities... it's neato.


Tess, Nicket-morph: Tess, my Stevie Nicks/Florence Welsh-inspired songstress, is my third and final character who I'll be bringing to Paradise. I'll most likely be recreating her as an AU version rather than portalling her over, as there are a handful of small changes I'd like to make to her. I'd also like to have a character born in Ultra City (the main RP hub of Paradise) rather than just moving them all over, so this would be a good chance.

I had a bit of a hard time balancing Tess's feminine "witchy" ways with the punky and more aggressive origin, but she's still a lot of fun to play. I think toning down the tomboyishness and amping up the femininity, while keeping the confidence and the wry sarcasm, would be the best way to go with her in the future.

That said, PMM Tess will I think continue to live a rocking life, and I imagine the Kro Roza (the bar-slash-fighting-arena-slash-concert-hall that she and her band, Stolen Moonlight, run) will continue to be wildly successful.

The band Stolen Moonlight itself will probably waver, as many great bands do. I imagine a sort of Fleetwood Mac scenario, where they break up for a few years, then come back together and make some great music for a while. Sometimes members leave and others join.

But all through it, even when the band isn't together, the people within it have a tight bond. I think even during the times of Tess's solo career, she, Helena, and Zhokora would remain fast friends.

Romantically, I think she's going to be hard to pin down for a few years. She's bisexual, and would probably bounce between partners every few months -- committing and staying faithful while within those relationships, but yearning for freedom while she's in one. She'd usually be the one to break it off, and sometimes it would go amicably, and sometimes not. That's just the way it goes.

But I imagine her in the end, once she's ready to settle down, some stalwart dark-type winning her over for good. A Liepard-morph, maybe, or a Crawdaunt. I think they'd probably break up a few times, but unlike the others, they'd keep winding back up together. Sort of a Stevie Nicks-Lindsay Buckingham sort of thing, except they'd make it in the end.

Evolution... Well, I think she might evolve, but she also might not. She keeps an Everstone in her back pocket. I actually don't know if she would want to be a Thievul. Her voice would change, and since her voice is a huge, huge part of who she is, it's a risk. And she'd have to shave that moustache every day.

Still, it's on the table. I don't think she's much of a fighter anymore; she grew up on the streets of Spikemuth and used to get into scraps a lot, but I think she considers that behind her now. But if Zhokora and Helena ever had motivation to fight as a team, she might take the plunge.

Anyway, that's Tess. Good exciting life ahead on Prism, and still possibilities to come on Paradise. We always did want a fourth dark-type to serve as drummer, to replace the NPC Rillaboom we have, and that's one thing I really hope we can get on Paradise to make a full band.


Dekar, Zebstrika-morph: Dekar! Dekar's personality has always been difficult for me to land. I have a hard time striking that right balance between "extremely casual" and "lazy". He's supposed to have this sort of easy, stoner-esque confidence that I'm not sure I pulled off 100%.

At this time, I don't plan on playing him on Paradise, but if there's a need for LAW ENFORCEMENT then he's definitely a possibility. I'd recreate him some, adding an important aspect that the current character is missing.

Dekar as he stands now is a very intelligent but very unambitious dude. He does the bare minimum, but he does it fairly well, mostly because A) he's actually pretty competent, and B) doing so means he'll have less work to do in the future. So he's a "lazy good worker", which I think was at least an interesting concept, but hard to pull off in practice.

I think when I change him, I'll switch things up in that the reason he's so lazy and so casual is because he wants a challenge. He does good work with like, keeping the peace, handling petty crime, the "easy" stuff, but it bores him, so he has a kind of sluggish, lazy attitude. But when something serious happens, like a big crime, he gets a spike of excitement, because it's something BIG to do.

Anyway, I think since the plot of PMM is winding down in general, he'll have less to do there, and he'd be all for that. He'd mostly just handle petty crime and live an altogether pretty easy life, continuing to take care of his mom.

He'd probably eventually settle down. Dekar is my Token Straight Guy, and he, as a skinny beanpole man, likes BIG women, so he'd probably get with like some buff female Poliwrath or Primeape or something, somebody who could carry him one handed.

And one thing's clear beyond a shadow of a doubt... he ain't quitting as Roksana's partner.


RJ, Beartic-morph: Ah, poor Rory, I created you in a monthlong cloud of hornybrain after those Nell-Chan commissions and then had no idea what to do with you from there.

RJ is the second character I don't at this time plan on bringing over to Prism. Maybe when we release the mountain zones and he has a cold place to live, but for now, I think I'll have my hands full.

And anyway, RJ's real "purpose" was mostly for somebody to keep Sam company during his romantic dry spell. And yes okay possibly to have him hit on any new characters who came to PMM who would go "bear? 👀" But then people just stopped coming to PMM for a variety of reasons, and he ended up kind of dead in the water.

Honestly, "ice-type trucker on a tropical island where nobody drives" was a hard concept anyway. But I like drawing him, I liked having another bear character, and I liked knowing that even if Sam wasn't getting romance and love out of him, at least he was getting plowed on the regular.

Once Sam finally splits off from RJ once and for all (amicably -- RJ knew from day one that it would be best for Sam to move on anyway), I think the Beartic would find his way off the island. It's too hot, and too Kantoian. He's an Unovan, through and through, he's very much an American country boy.

With the world of PMM becoming more open to morphs, I think he'd take his chances as a truck driver back in Unova, the place where he and his original trainer are from. Some people wouldn't hire him on account of his morphness, but he'd make do.

I don't see him ever settling down. He's the sort of guy who's a loner, but he's never really lonely. You know how it is. The open road is the only lover I'll ever need.

--

Well, that's that. I wanted happy endings for all of them, they deserved it. And since most of them (and heck, depending on how Paradise goes, eventually all of them) still have other stories to be written, I don't even really feel melancholy. Just knowing that there's a future for the Sam and Brunn and Tess that I'll continue to play, while also knowing that their original inceptions have their lives set out before them, is very comforting.

In any case, Paradise is set to open pretty soon. If you're interested in anthro Pokemon RP, check us out or message me!!

Okay, well! Hello, 2023. This is basically my "Pulse check" for the year, and what a year it's been.

So I've been going back and forth on how much detail I want to go into here. Part of me wants to just describe everything from my perspective, and part of me just wants to touch the basics and move on. In the end, the second part's won out. So, here we go.

So, I'm no longer going to be playing at Pokemorph MUSH, which is the roleplay spot where I play Sam, Brunn, RJ, and a couple others. It's actually been on hiatus for months now, and may or may not reopen, but even if the doors reopen, I won't be returning.

To put things as neutrally as I can, and glossing over a lot, the summary is this:

I didn't feel like the staff was doing the minimum requirements to make for a successful MUSH, and I and a few others addressed these grievances. I offered to help join as staff, so I would have hands-on helped them work toward the very issues I was having. After two months of procrastinating, I got back a letter that was, um, well, let's just say they dug their heels in and didn't give an inch, and wasn't exactly happy with me. So I decided it's time to move on.

Man, this glosses over so much, I can't believe I could summarize six months of drama into a single paragraph, but like, yeah, that'll get you most of the way there. I wanted more from PMM than the staff was willing to give. And maybe in retrospect this was a long time coming; folks who have been following me for a while might remember that I posted less than a year ago that I was feeling dissatisfied, but also that I didn't really have any other choices for RP, so I felt kind of trapped.

So, I'm doing the only real option that makes sense to me: I'm helping set up a new MUSH.

It'll be called Pokemorph Paradise, and it'll mostly focus on anthropomorphic Pokemon on a tropical island! It'll be 16+, so while there may be a little violence, it generally won't be super hardcore adult. Sexy times happens behinds closed doors, it's not the focus but it's fine in a locked room.

MUSHing is purely text-based, with fairly colorful text. It takes place on a grid, so it feels more like a "world" than just, say, chat rooms in a Discord, so it has an extra level of immersion despite being solely textual.

We're starting off by just making Ultra City, the central hub of about a million folks, but the rest of the cities and towns can be added in the future. The grid is actually already about 75% made, and we even have a WIP Wiki -- subject to change, and some things still need to be added, but it works well to get the theme of the place. You can check it out here!

We're set to open up in about a month or so. I'll be working on an "Introduction to MUSHing" page for people who have never MUSHed before, which should help a lot with getting used to it. Ultimately, I lovvvvve talking about MUSHing and Pokemon, so I'm eager to answer any questions. Note me here or on Discord or Telegram or Twitter, pretty much if you have any interest at all. I'd love to help with providing info about the theme and world, and to help with making characters. RP is my passion, after all.

Because the theme is set up to have wormholes and multiple dimensions, I plan on simply porting over three characters: Sam (of course), Brunn my Ursaring-morph, and my Nickit-morph Tess. I'm just very excited to be playing my guys again, especially my Growlithe, who's just such a big part of who I am. It'll be a little sad to separate him from RJ (my Beartic), but they weren't really boyfriends anyway, they were more... uh... it's complicateds. Besides, who knows what potential awaits him in this new world?

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. I'm moving on, but I'm still invested in anthro-Pokemon RP, and as a staffer, I think I can really help make an interesting, engaging, and active RP spot. Again, if you're curious, reach out to me, I'd be happy to talk with you!

Keep it real like a banana peel.

~Sam

So my new year's resolution this year has been to start drawing. I'm 38 years old and have never, even as a kid, really been much of an artist. I'd do a little doodling, of course, and naturally I had art projects in my earlier grades, but it's never been anything I've either been passionate about or had any particular talent in.

Last year, when AI art really started to take off, I kept seeing on Twitter people making fun of AI art, effectively saying things like: "Just do it yourself". Pick up a pencil and learn to draw. It's a skill like any other, it takes time and effort to get any good at. But instead of relying on these crutches using stolen art, do it yourself.

And those comments really did get me thinking...

Well, why don't I?

I bought a sketchpad and pencil, and a few weeks later, after i found I actually quite enjoyed doodling, I bought an iPad in the first week of January. This was a good time to do it, because it effectively means I started my artistic journey right at the beginning of the year, so it's easy for me to determine exactly how long I've been at it.

I know I'm still very much a novice in some ways (I wouldn't even consider myself an 'amateur' artist yet, like I think even just getting to that level will require more time and effort), but gosh, sometimes I look at some of the things I've drawn and posted here, and I'm so proud of myself for making so much progress in such a short period of time.

I'm basically middle-aged now, I didn't think it would be possible to really dive into a new hobby that I'm so completely unfamiliar with, and yet here I am able to post things that I'm not totally embarrassed about. I know favs aren't everything (some of my favorite stories I've written, such as Link in the Chain and Snows of Colossus, have very few favs), but just seeing how one of the pieces I've drawn has hit over 30 favs is like, whoa! That really connected with people!

If you look through my gallery, you can even just sort of see the improvement piece by piece.

I'm on a temporary hiatus from RP at the moment (more info about that in a future journal, but long story short, I'm helping create a new RP MUSH), so having this creative outlet to bring my characters to life is such a welcome boon.

For non-artists out there, I say: give it a shot! You have nothing more to lose than $5 for a sketchpad and a pencil just to see if it grabs you.

Hope it's a good one!

Hey, folks. Time for my biannual pulse check.

Things are going well enough, all things considered. Life is still basically what it was at the beginning of the year: I work, I sleep, I play games, I roleplay.

There was some drama on Pokemorph MUSH a couple weeks ago that tore away some of the magic from my eyes. Since then, my request to become a staffer and try to improve the game from the inside was declined, and my most active friend is leaving soon, so I've been looking about branching out to other games just in case.

But I've spent hours looking for other active roleplay spots, especially MU*s (MUCKs, MUSHes, etc.), that hit that perfect level of mature, active roleplay while still encouraging furry/anthro characters. I really wasn't able to find anything that suits me well.

There are a handful of active spots where it's pretty clear that folks just want to bang, kind of like F-list. Don't get me wrong, I love erotic RP, and in a way, it's kind of even a major 'end goal' of what I truly, madly, deeply love about RP. I want my characters to fall in love as much as any other RP-crazy fur. But I don't and never will want ERP to be the primary focus, I personally don't get anything out of 'RP one night stands' (not judging those who do). I want something to build up over time, with another character that mine clicks with on a deep level.

And I guess, curse me for a fool, that PMM still seems like the best spot for me to do so. There aren't a lot of gay dudes on there, and literally none play the type of big burly guys that Sam would be into, so it kind of feels like grasping at straws. Sometimes I worry I'm waiting around tapping my fingers anxiously waiting for somebody who's never going to come.

But then, after these hours of searching for other places, only to find dead RP zone after dead RP zone, I'm finding myself grateful to have a place that's at least somewhat active. Even if Sam isn't falling in love, he's still finding stuff to do and people to RP with, so I'm still getting something out of it. He's part of a fighting club, an anime club, he's working on new moves, he surfs, he's just got a lot going on even if the romance department is kind of null for him.

I just created a Beartic-morph named RJ, and I've been strongly considering just having him and Sam hook up. Something about having my own characters in a communal RP setting be boyfriends doesn't strike a chord with me, but I also just want Sam to be happy. And hooking him up with a bear, even if just temporarily until an actual, y'know, other player comes along, that would do the trick.

In brighter news, I've got Brunn (my Ursaring-morph) and his partner, Barson (a cute l'il Zigzagoon-morph), which is a major motivator to keep me going and sticking around. They're so cute and sweet together, very much have that big grumpy jaded guy loves little nerdy sweet guy dynamic. It gives me real honest-to-goodness satisfaction, and is one more reason that, my criticism of the staff notwithstanding, PMM still feels like my home even after the drama.

Anyway, I had a long voicechat with the most active staffer (unrelated to the drama I mentioned earlier), and drove home some of my concerns. I don't really know how much is going to change. What the game needs is new people, fresh blood, eager and motivated. I hope he listens and starts up a recruitment campaign. I'd kill for the chance to just start RPing with new folks, introducing them to the world, helping them get used to MUSH commands, stuff like that.

But for now, I'll make do with what I've got. Life's still pretty all right, all things considered, and now that I see what a desolate wasteland is out there in the MU*ing world for furry RP, I'm grateful for what I have.

Maybe I should just bite the bullet and see what Discord RP is like, though...

Haven't posted here in a while. How's it hanging?

Just wanted to give an update that I'm in a better spot than I was previously for sure. I've started working graveyard shifts at a local supermarket, it's interesting for sure. The pay is less but the stress is waaaaaaay down, so even if my hours are kind of weird, it's altogether a much better fit than my previous job. The further I get from that, the more I realize I should have left it much earlier.

But hey, hindsight is 20/20. I'm glad I'm in a better spot now. It sure taught me a lot that "fake it until you make it" is not always a smart policy.

In terms of hobbies, I left GW2 a year or so ago, and I do think it's been for the best. I think I overstayed my welcome there, so I'm glad I moved on. It helps that most of the friends I met there I can still contact on Discord or Twitter, so I don't really feel like I've left anybody behind.

My "free time focus" has been on Pokemorph MUSH, which is altogether filling me with inspiration. I get my four-ish scenes a week there and spend a lot of my free time thinking about it, especially now these days that my Ursaring has a cute boyfriend. Sam's still single but he has a big circle of friends, and he's just a fun, sweet guy who's just enjoyable to play. Altogether, RPing here kinda gives me warm, nostalgic vibes for when I was younger and a l'il more optimistic.

Don't worry, though. I'm still an optimist. I think that part's never fully going to leave me no matter how bad it all gets.

Still playing my DnD, still eating too much, still dying horribly in League of Legends, still keeping on. Only three years until I'm 40, can you believe it? I still feel like a youngin' sometimes.

Peace!

Just a quick pulse check~

The year's been going well for me, way better than 2020 was. I'm still kind of recuperating from the disaster that my last job was, but doing a little part time work on the side to keep the bills paid. It works for the moment.

One way in which I've been occupying my time is getting back into MUSHing, which is an RP venue. The best way to describe a MUSH (MU*, MUCK, MUX) is that it's a series of connected chat rooms, with each chat room representing a different location in the world. There are always universal/public channels, so they tend to be very sociable places as well. It's purely text-based, though a lot of the text is colorful.

I've been playing on MU*s for over 20 years now, and I have to say, it feels great to get back into it. It's my favorite way to RP, and I've been having a blast on Pokemorph MUSH so far. This is a PG/PG-13 place with mostly anthro-Pokemon characters, though there are some humans and pokemon as well. It feels great to really flesh Sam the Growlithe out as a character, getting him into all sorts of trouble, making friends, and just being happy as a hungry hungry firedog. I feel more 'connected' to him than ever before.

One thing I've been a bit concerned about is that it can be difficult to find enough people to RP with. This is a common thing for a MU* that's been alive for a long time, and PMM has been around for over 20 years now, so it's pretty understandable. I'm happy for the scenes and the friends I've already made. Still, I'd love to see some more active folks.

Since I have a little more free time than usual, I thought I may as well make a post extending an offer to anybody who's interested and wants to see what it's about. I've been MU*ing for long enough that I have a great grasp on MU*ing clients, general etiquette, and some common codes used for posing formats. More than that, I'd just be happy to RP with new characters and serve as a good springing-off point. If I can make even just one more IC friend from this post, it'll be 1000000% worth it.

If you're curious just about the theme, there's more info here: http://pokemorph.com/wiki/index.php.....itle=Main_Page

And of course you can poke me via... pretty much any method I've got on my FA. I'd love to chat about anything MU*-related.

Aight, that's all I got, keep it real!

There was a thing going around Twitter earlier this week about a small group of furs (maybe even just one person) fussing about people over 30 years old in the furry community.

I'm pretty new to Twitter, so I wasn't aware at the time that this crops up now and again. All of the discourse I saw around it was one of two things: A) STFU yo, you can be a furry at any age, and B) STFU everyone else, this is just one kid whining about something dumb and don't make a big deal out of it.

I'm in my 30's so of course I fall on the "we old geezers deserve to be here" crowd, and I assume if you're reading this journal you're okay with us too, so I won't hop up on a soapbox. What I really wanted to do is flip the discourse on its head and say:

I'm really happy to see there are so many younger furs!

Growing up, furries were basically at the very bottom of the internet social hierarchy. Oh sure, there's still a lot of anti-furry sentiment (some deserved, some not), but I think now that we live in an age where the internet has literal Nazis and open racists, making fun of somebody for popping a boner at a neon dog people just doesn't ring as true. There's a new bottom of the barrel, and given that the fandom has a generally pretty negative stance toward that bollocks, we've risen to the point where normies will regularly step in and say "Yo, I ain't a fur, but I love furries, so don't be a dick to 'em."

I'm glad that the furry community is only growing over time. Inclusivity -- the positive, accepting kind, with some caveats -- has always been one of the fandom's biggest draws, and I think that can, should, and does include both younger furs and older ones. Please, keep joining, contributing, enjoying, sharing what this community has to offer. Learn from it, and grow from it.

I 100% believe that you can become a more mature person through this community that is largely shaped around cartoons and other "childish" things. So, keep it up!

Quick disclaimer, though: If you aren't 18 yet, don't make a big show of following NSFW artists or hitting on adults and stuff. Don't get 'em in trouble. That's gonna work out better for everybody in the end.

Hey everyone. Hope your 2021 is going all right, all things considered.

A couple months ago, I went on a long pulse check on how my 2020 was. I thought it would be all right to give a status update about 2021 so far, and the time away from my job, because I guess you could say, something's happened.

I'm going to give a quick, vague recap of the last few weeks for me. This is not the full story, not by any stretch, but I think it gives a good overview of where my head's at.

--

I fell for a guy who hardly notices I exist.

For context, I don't get crushes. Even as a randy teenager, I never looked at a classmate or a celebrity or anybody and thought of them in that light. Whatever chemicals make up the matter in my brain skipped out the "fall in love" part.

And honestly, this has been fine. I'm an introverted person, and after 35 years of life I've come to really enjoy my independence. At the end of the day, I like myself, and I enjoy my own company. I would not consider myself a "lonely" person, even if I've only agreed to a handful of dates in my life.

So to find myself suddenly pining for somebody who clearly doesn't feel the same is a weird, weird feeling. This isn't "baby's first crush". This is "your weird uncle's first crush".

I don't mean that he's explicitly rebuked me, or that he's a jerk, or anything like that. Any onus of this crush is on yours truly. It's just you can tell when a person isn't really interested in furthering a friendship (let alone a romance) with you, and I'm very good at respecting boundaries.

But that's where my head's at, and even now I can't get him out of my head.

--

I'm excited about it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think anything's going to come from this crush in particular. Oh sure, maybe it's possible he'll be like, "Oh, I've been so busy at work, I haven't noticed, of course let's kiss kiss fall in love!", but I don't think that's likely.

And of course I'm bummed. It's sad to want somebody who doesn't want you back. To try to convince yourself to move on, only to find yourself daydreaming (and sometimes night dreaming) about them. About watching online every second, having your heart lift when they log on, only for nothing to come of it. These are new feelings for me. I'm emotionally mature enough to deal with them, but it still sucks.

But what this experience has taught me is that I have the potential to love. I have that capacity. Deep down inside, I have that urge and that longing. That part of my head and my heart and my soul is not missing.

If I can crush on one person, I can crush on another. One who'll reciprocate.

That's a big part of these recent changes I have been making in my life. Streaming the other day, joining the Pokemon MUSH, getting active on Twitter. These are all steps toward one thing: getting myself out there. Looking for that next person who makes my heart skip a beat. Hoping and praying that this one instance isn't a fluke of nature, a drop in the pan.

So, all right! I've got my hope for 2021. Fingers crossed for an "omg i have a boyfriend look at me" post in a few months, but even if not, if I can make some new friends, then you know what, that'll be all right too.

---

Still here? Thanks for reading. Heck, for clicking, just to check on me. I'm glad this one was a little more optimistic than the last big one.

If you're interested in the crush, well -- I don't want to go into detail, but I can give you one more little tidbit.

Apparently, my critical hit spot is Arcanines. You'd think I'd have realized that by now, but, well. Now I know.

Keep it real, FA.

Got myself a webcam, so I figure, let's try it out on a game my computer can barely handle!

Desperados 3:

https://www.twitch.tv/peppygrowlithe

So hey! I'm on Twitter.

https://twitter.com/Samburr8

Feel free to add me and I'll return the favor!

So I love Disney's animated movies. I'm sure this is a huge shock.

One thing I look to do when going through these movies is to consider the "purpose" of a musical segment. By this, I mean that a song in a Disney movie can effectively be judged based on three criteria, all of which are irrespective of the actual quality of the song's composition.

1) Does this song establish a character's personality or motivations, or otherwise flesh out the world?

2) Does this song progress the plot or show a character's growth?

3) Does this song serve either to set the tone for the movie, or otherwise release a building tension?

To give some examples, let's pick the three songs which I think best exemplify every criterium:

1) "Belle", from Beauty and the Beast, is a marvelous example of a song that does more than just play a melody. As the song progresses, we learn all we need to about the titular character, her motivations, and the way in which she is perceived by the town. The song also establishes Gaston and Le Fou, and indicates Belle's family life ("The inventor's daughter?!"). This is to say nothing of how the cheerful depiction of the townsfolk is eventually flipped on its head when the town storms the castle later in the film.

2) "I'll Make A Man Out Of You", from Mulan, is effectively just a montage, but, you know, there's a reason montages are relied on so heavily in media. In addition to being an unquestionably kickass song, IMAMOOY (<- I love that) shows Mulan's progression from zero to hero. It doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know (that Mulan is clever but has a hard time fitting in, and that exercise is hard), but rather provides a sense of progression of time and character.

3) "Hakuna Matata", from The Lion King, is on the surface level not an 'important' song to the movie's narrative. Some people have even said that the song is a sort of tonal whiplash. After Mufasa's death and Simba's subsequent exile, a spirited and colorful song about two gay insectivores doesn't seem to have its place. I would disagree on the basis that it serves as a much needed breather. While I wouldn't exactly call TLK a "depressing" movie, the plot takes a pretty steep decline into more serious subject matter as early as the elephant graveyard. A tension breaker is required, and not just because TLK is "a kid's movie". PG-13 and R movies often also employ lighter scenes to serve as a break after depicting a horrific event, so it works here. (Note: Just about every love song fits #3.)

Naturally, the primary purpose of any song is to entertain. Scar doesn't really need a kickass number to effective say "hey guys BTW we're committing regicide tomorrow so eat your Wheaties", and many great animated Disney movies have only one or two noteworthy songs while still conveying everything they need to through the text and visuals. A musical number is simply one means of conveying the three above points. Even so, I appreciate when a song serves a greater purpose than simply being good music.

That leads me to the question I had when watching The Lion King for the 5,205,175th time (yeah okay it's my comfort movie). The song I Just Can't Wait To Be King is a great, memorable, fun, awesome song that also raises a plot question.

Let me ask you something. Is IJCWTBK diegetic? That is to say, are the characters in the song actually singing?

The immediate response is, of course not. Simba literally kicks off the song by pouncing the world into a technicolor extravaganza. Predators and prey are stacked on top of each other like Lego blocks (inspiring hours and hours of a frustrated little Sam during the TLK video game level you frickin' monkeys stop throwing me or I'll--Herds of animals shuffling left and right and singing about how much they revere the guy who's going to one day eat them. For a movie that otherwise takes itself pretty seriously when it needs to, this is not a serious song.

But the song serves an essential plot function! The song is the distraction by which Simba and Nala are able to escape from Zazu's oppressive gaze. How does Zazu end up crushed under a rhino's butt, if not through a particularly catchy song-and-dance routine?

Yeah, it's possible they could have tricked him in some other way, Zazu is self-important enough that it wouldn't be hard to convince him to stand still right under a rhino's rump as he talks about, I don't know, taxes or whatever. But this isn't conveyed in any way through the movie. There isn't a single suggestion of anything other than the musical number being the thing that temporarily Zazu out of the picture.

And I just think that's -- maybe not weird, but interesting. This weird drug trip of a song is at least in some way shape and form diegetic.

Anyway, next time you're cruising through a classic Disney movie, think about the above points. And remember that they don't in any way shape or form state to the quality of the song. As examples, Billy Joel belting out "Why Should I Worry" is an underrated gem, but it doesn't really tell us anything we don't already know about Oliver, Dodger, or New York City. Tamatoa's "Shiny" rocks and I'm glad it was included, but it's fundamentally pointless. By comparison, I actually don't really care for the song "Friend Like Me" itself, but the song does an excellent job establishing the zany antics of the genie right out of the gate.

As a parting note, if you're curious about the movie with the most songs that serve a purpose and fit the above criteria, it's probably Beauty and the Beast. Just about every song is meaningful beyond just being great music. The one exception ("Human Again") was cut from the original showing, so I won't include it, which is good 'cuz it's pointless.

The one with the least? Uh, Zootopia. It has one song and it doesn't say much. It is catchy, though.

Hey, it's been a while. Quite a year, huh?

When I was a teenager, LiveJournal was my "type it out to figure it out" source. The very nature of knowing that somebody might read what you write forces you to refine your thought process. To make order out of chaos, to bring the synapses firing in your head into some semblance of reason. So, when I was upset, or angry, or frustrated, or confused, I would make a LiveJournal post about it. Sometimes it would help me resolve it, sometimes it wouldn't, but I can safely say that it helped me to identify "the nature of the beast" every time.

I don't use LiveJournal anymore, and in an age of Discord, Facebook, and Twitter, long drawn out journal entries aren't really appropriate. So I guess that's why I'm here. Typing it out to figure it out.

---

This has been the worst year of my life. I'm sure this is not a surprise. This is the worst year for many people. However, if you have to ask "Is X the reason this is such a bad year?" my response would be "It's a factor, but it's not the real reason." The pandemic, the election season, millennial ennui, these have not helped, but I think they're arrows I would have otherwise been able to sling off.

I work in a call center, and have for five years. Last year, I was moved into a position that, on top of each of my regular duties, also involves serving "VIP Clients", including via inbound calls. These clients can include DJ Ambassadors, sports stars, celebrities, and so forth. Kinda cool, right?

I think it would be pretty cool for some, but not for me. The truth is that I have bad anxiety talking on the phone.

Now wait, you might say. If you have anxiety talking on the phone, why the heck have you been working in a call center for so long?

When I first joined this company, I was younger, fresher, and thought I could simply barrel through my anxiety and come to enjoy it, or at least accept it. This turned out to not be true, but I was able to fairly quickly move into an offline department. A department where I'm only on the phone once or twice a day, always outbound, so I could cruise along managing my stress without much issue. It almost became a running joke, a smirk at the irony, that I work in a call center and don't like talking on the phone.

But good luck never lasts forever, and due to unavoidable changes in the department structure, I was put onto the phones, and it's been...

Well. Worse than I thought it would be, and I wasn't exactly optimistic going in.

I've believed for my entire life -- I'm 35, by the way -- that you can "fake it until you make it". Yes, work sucks, work will always suck, but I enjoy the feeling of productivity. I'm a good worker, I'm reliable, I'm friendly, and while I'm far from perfect, I thought I had the patience to endure just about anything within reason. No matter how stressed I got at school or in previous jobs, I'd still always keep up a very cheery demeanor.

This has changed, and that's scary to me.

I don't simply hate my job, I fear it. I feel a sense of dread when I realize I have to work the next day. It hangs over my head like a guillotine. Even when I'm not on the phone, I'm watching the little corner of the screen, just waiting to jump out of my chair when one comes in. Even after I clock out, the fear looms. I've been doing this for almost a year and even now, typing it out, my stomach goes into knots.

I've noticed the effects it's had on my well-being. Some friends have too, although I think I do a good job hiding it. (Having been born in the mid-80s, I still have a tendency to "bottle it up", but that's a story for another time.) I'm frequently grumpy, crappy, irritable.

Overall, I'm just sad. And sad has never been a characteristic I have used to define myself for an extended period of time. I don't suffer from depression, but I am depressed. My heart goes out to those who experience this daily for reasons beyond their control.

There are things about depression I've known in my head, distantly, as an observer, that I now understand on a more fundamental level. Depression begets depression; my bad moods become things that I want to keep going. I don't want to be cheered up, I don't want to talk it out, I don't want to drink another cup of coffee to snap out of it. I want to be grouchy, and continue to be grouchy, as I grumble and grumble against the actual cause.

This causes me to not take steps that would improve my mood -- more frequent walks, more coffee, playing games I find fun, talking with good friends -- because it's too much effort, and what's the point, and so on and so forth, downward spiral.

Again, I don't think I'm at all unique. Anxiety, depression, mental health, these are commonly discussed in the furry community.

But I did think I was past this point in my life. I felt, as I entered my 30s, that everything will simmer down, and all will be A-OK. Any hurdle that comes can be leapt over. Yes, it might hurt or be annoying in the moment, but then it'll be behind you and you can move on.

But when you feel trapped by your job, in a position you can't escape, the bog becomes eternal. You can't jump when you're up to your thighs in goop. All you can do is sink.

And then comes the inevitable self-reflection. I worked fast food for 15 years, how can a nice cushy job in my own room on a computer be bad? I make good money, the benefits are nice, and the unemployment rate is through the roof. Aren't I being dramatic? Selfish? Exaggerative? How can I sit here and 'boo-hoo my job sucks' when I know other people have harder jobs, or greater difficulties in their life? People are literally dying out there. Who doesn't hate their job? Grow the fuck up, Sam.

So you can see how this is a self-defeating mindset. I think a lot of folks with anxiety can relate.

To this point in my life, I have always been grateful for the things in my life, I've always been an optimist, I've always realized that I have advantages that others don't. And that's part of what has fueled my cheerful demeanor. I want to be a beacon of joy for others, I want to help them through their problems. I want to be a patient, kindly soul to whom a person can express themselves.

But this year has shown that I can't. I can't shrug off every difficult. I can feel trapped, I can get depressed, I can self-destruct, I can downward spiral. I thought I was invincible, but I'm not. I can burn out.

And I am burning out.

---

Let's talk about hope.

I've played enough JRPGs and watched enough anime to know that 'hope' can be a meaningless word. It's overused, overwrought, and, to a cynical mindset, is even pointless. "I sure hope I win a million bucks with this lottery ticket!" won't change your odds even slightly.

But when you don't have hope, when there's nothing but a swamp ahead of you and around you, you realize how important it is. There's no point in moving forward if there's nothing to move forward to. You don't need hope to survive, but you do need it to live.

I'll be quitting my job soon.

It's a scary time to do so, I know. Unemployment is high. We're in the middle of a frickin' pandemic. Even if I can find a job, it won't pay nearly as much, and there's no guarantee I'll enjoy it. There's no guarantee my new insurance will cover my CPAP machine. Sitting at a computer and typing is natural to me. What if I have to go back to fast food? To a movie theater? What if I start working retail? What if I can't even get that?

These are clear and present dangers, but I'm not as afraid of the future as I am of the present. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Some risks need to be taken.

If I stay here, I'm going to lose a fundamental part of myself. I can't let that happen.

The exact timeframe is unknown. The department is going through internal changes, and our already small team has been halved, but the workload has not.

The truth is that, at the moment, I'm staying out of sympathy. I feel for my coworkers. Maybe that's dumb, but this scenario is hard enough for us as is. My quitting now would, yes, make a statement, IE, "this organizational restructuring is being handled terribly and I won't stand for it, also VIP sucks LOL", but regardless of how right or wrong I am, the ladies in the same position as me would have to pick up my slack.

I have another job lined up. Yeah, the pay will be halved, and I'll have to work weekends, but you have to make some sacrifices. For right now, my focus is on just getting through the now.

Every mile takes longer and longer once you have your destination set. Each moment at work, in addition to all the negative stuff I showed above, there's the nagging question... "Why am I still here? I have no future here. Why am I going through all this stress? Is sympathy really worth it?"

But I think I can make it. A little longer. I've made it all these months. I can hold out.

I can hold out.

---

I've decided to apply to make a character at PokeMorph MUSH. I haven't been on a MU* in years, but I admit it, I'm excited. Really excited, in fact. I don't know how much I'll really be able to commit for the first few weeks, until I can wrap everything up at work, but...

That, along with leaving my job, is my big hope spot. A new character, a new community, a new world. Maybe inspiration will come, and maybe it won't, but the fact is that I'm /hopeful/ that it will.

But perhaps, more on that later. For now, I think this was enough.

---

TLDR? Just bear with me a little longer. I'm almost out of the swamp.

~Sam