My new years resolution falls into this choice:

I am choosing to embrace vulnerability and live authentically.

My life has also felt significantly more worth living and beautiful and joyful with this understanding:

Life is all about being authentic, living vulnerably and loving with no guarantee. To realize that you are enough, and that your imperfections are what make you beautiful. Simply put, you are worthy of connection and belonging. These aren't just important to remember - they are fundamental. Make some goals, pursue them, know that all goals are fluid living things and WILL indeed change. Empathy and vulnerability drives connection, while sympathy and shame forces disconnection. Sometimes the best words you can say to a friend you don't understand is, "I'm just so glad you told me," or a friend you feel with and in their moment of hurt or shame, "Me too."

When we numb the hard emotions, we numb everything. We numb joy, gratitude, and happiness. Don't be afraid of being yourself, disappointing someone else's perception of how your life should be. Your life is your choice and when you start to believe your enough, and see the beauty that is life you will start to feel relaxed, confident, and loved.

If you read this far and feel like you need to spill or someone to talk to - i'd love to hear your story.

Well, starting over isn't ever fun, but sometimes it's necessary. DEspite avoiding it. I am enrolled and going back to school. Start with finishing my AA in Network Design and Network Administration, then complete my 4 year degree in hardware engineering and a minor in UI design. A long road ahead, but I think I will be able to do something I love as opposed to hating my job. I also picked up a part time job at Lenscrafters. It's pretty shitty, but they work with my hours, and I can work as much or as little as I want / need to.

I hope to make it to a few cons after my fursuit is finished. I'm rather excited.

one baby step at a time....

When I'm suffering the most, I don't tell people. I don't post what's going on in Twitter updates, or Facebook statuses. I don't seem to call people either. Quite frankly I don't even write or journal. I leave myself to be tortured by many great creative ideas, but with such frantic pace to their arrival that I live this fantasy of expectations that can only be described as outlandish, farfetched, inevitabile and susceptible to failure. All this partnered with a deep rooted feeling of previous failure providing a cascading funk over all my new and past locked away ideas. A coating of tarnish blankets the thoughts of capability to ever feeling resolve or success. If only I could be the person I once was or who I wished I was. That Individual I see in my head, seeming recently more distant.

I often look at my friends lists and my phone, and don't feel interested to talk to anyone. The question then aeries, why talk to people that don't feel in the same capacity? Passion is to blame. People who are forever passionate are setup to fail or be burnt in this recent world. I don't think I will ever feel free. My passion is my thorn.

I do not have tunnel vision if you were worried by that last statement. Life isn't bleak, I just am simply saying I've hit a new low, and this is as much talking about it as the subject will get.

I am far from the innocence I once was. And I wish i could say i was getting happier as life progresses...

There comes a time where something must budge. Change inevitable, although rarely ready, we step forward. Vast opportunity partnered with happiness is the first half of the equation. Stepping on forbidden ground, fingers numb, head pounding. Something whispers move, and you do. Physical motion limited, mental movement boundless. Two worlds stand, each effecting the other.

One landscape generally overdevelops.

Now, there are so many distractions. These distractions are not all bad, but they serve a purpose: to further pass time.

This passing of time means a part of you is developing, but which part?

I am a firm believer that the mind is a dangerous place to live. The ghost-land dream scape of your mind allows you to dwell in thousands of false realities. An easy place to get caught in where your physical world stands still. A stillness that accompanies an eerie silence, a stone wall, and an impossible feeling to advance who you’re meant to be in the real world.

Bottom line, what the fuck happened??!?! Part of me wants to delete my digital foot print completely (the parts i'm able to delete that is) and live with the friends i already know in person, but would that make me feel better? no. Would i possibly get more done? yeah.

Something has got to change, this just isn't working. hmmmm. - best to sleep on it and delete this in the morning lol.

Day 1 (Thursday): A Tight Butt...(Car) and a new Tail

5 people in Kira's tiny car... I may have been in the front seat, but it was still a tight fit. I felt bad for those that sat in the back well for 2 of them. On the way there, we managed to avoid getting pulled over, and to pick up snacks and talk about.... well, nothing xD

Once we arrived at the Hotel, we parked and they all headed into the over flow hotel, while Teage and I headed to the hilton with our stuff. My room mates had not arrived yet, so I sat in the lobby, giddy as can be. Got to see Blue, and Mopar, and ...It's kinda becoming a blur x.x Well, after that, my room mates arrived shortly after (Jennie & Chris, Shim & Winter), and we all went up to drop off our stuff. Then as quickly as my stuff was set down, I wanted to go to the Dealers Den to get my tail that Shimmeron had made for me ^^ But of course, the Den wasn't open, so I had to wait patiently outside tailless. *pouted*
At this point, Things go blur again. I talked with a few people, got my tail, and then went to the cub panel. Mainly to find out what other cubs were at RF. (needless to say, only like 1/8th of the cubs at RF2012 attended that panel) It was very ADD lol, but it was great to put furry names to faces.

After that, I don't remember. I got drunk and had lots of glow sticks on my wrists, and somehow ended up in my glow in the dark footed sleeper and somehow back to my room. (a good first night for sure)

Day 2 (Friday): Hung out with an Owl, Commissioned 3 badges, got Drunk and ended up with a sheet on me that i have no idea where it came from (slept in a different room cuddled on the floor)

That pretty much sums it up lol Well and i helped a few furs figure out their fursona. I vaguely remember that. And helping some poor souls at Taco bell. (furs without a car and by help i mean they got into the owl's car Ecks that i was riding in) oh and i dropped by the cub room a few times and passed out glow sticks.

Day 3 (Saturday): More wandering the Dealers Den, and Art Auction - Food, and crinkle scampering

Attended more parties, got to see more furs, and really wasn't impressed with the dance music - got more drunk, and went to bed.

Day 4 (Sunday): Packed stuff, Breakfast at i-Hop and then grabbing my auctioned art I won, and left by 2pm.

(it all just turns into a cluster fuck of fun xD)

Welp, just holy crap. That was fun =] I don't think I really attended many events throughout the entire con, I didn't actually read the con book till the car ride home. It was such a pleasure to meet such amazing furs (people) I flock to energy and creativity, which then makes the next statement make perfect sense. I spent most of the con in the Dealers Den and the Art Show. I went form thinking i would only get one badge done, to having three created from some of the most talented artists, in my opinion. One artist rose above the rest for me though, Tod Wills. His water color work in medieval fur art was a pleasure to look at all weekend and to get all my friends to also get a badge. I actually look forward to working with him later to have my book series map and covers for my books done by him. Hopefully he knows how serious I am. (blog post: http://peteknowlton.com/a-map-artist/ )

Anyways, there is more to be said, It's just late and I'm exhausted. Will say more tomorrow =D

Off to see the cubs!!!! The wonderful crinkle of Oz...WAs...

Looking forward to meeting several and just having a good time. :)

I'm very thankful I'm now able to go.

I'm Loving life despite recent change that would criple the average person, undergoing an intense emergency surgery and then being terminated from your job a day later. That was me last week. I now feel free. Free to hang with my friends again, and not feel so tense and stressed that an aura repels the soft and caring hands. I'm also excited for a holiday season that i don't have to work a retail related job. This will be the first in 8 years.

Going forward, I plan to work for myself doing web design and to at long last finish my book. Cheers to new adventures and smiles, I am so thankful.

I may not know you, you who is reading this, but i love you too. Be nice to yourself, you need that strength when something unknown surfaces, a strength you can't have ready if you dwell on your failures and the things you hate about yourself.

If your stuck, make shit fly, and find your sense of control. Because as long as someone else is controling your life, nothing can grow, and nothing will seem enjoyable. Your loved.

I will not be online for a few days, while i sell my current computer to buy and restore my stuff to a new one! Bare with me! *crinkle scurries off to fix the lack of contact quickly!*

Feel Free to text! Just tell me who you are =] 509-294-1711

Its such a weird feeling to have my entire life in a box. The joy of moving i can't even tell you, I'm super excited to be honest. A new place, same square footage, but for 350$ less. And on top of all that, meeting new friends, taking amazing pictures with my SLR and having printing places make me sign for copyright because they look too professional. haha, who knew?

Making new friends around here have really just helped me feel loved. My co-worker Jaylnn helped me find a place, drove me around, let me meet her family and aunts and uncles and nieces, and so many others, and I'm already part of their family it seems. It just feels good to be acknowledged and wanted since i can't be near my own family because of work.

I also managed to meet a cool guy at the D3 midnight release and we have been online playing almost daily since. I actually got to meet his wife and son at the newly opened buffalo wild wings, heh it was just fun to be nerdy. When everyone plays, no one feels guilty lol. Funny when the wife and husband both play.

As for my packed padding, that didn't last long, i had to open a box... I couldn't help it!! *crinkle wags*

There is also a special someone that has really touched my life lately. Totally unexpected and so comforting. Sometimes you just know. And well? I just know this is going to work. Those feelings that push beyond the fake euphoria stage. And after that fades, something has remained that lingers among divinity. It's more then butterflies, more then that feeling of being safe. It's that feeling of being needed without the often accompanying result of the privilege of your rescue being abused. And through this two way street, there is a complex feeling that need represents consistency, a result commenced from actions done out of pure, flawed, uninfluenced love. I couldn't ask for anything better.

As for the next few weeks, I officially move into my new place on the 19th. Super super excited! ^.^

What a month!

I managed to get sick with the flu three weeks ago and it all seemed to just get stacked on top. *deep breath* So after i got the flu, it turned into a nasty cold then acute bronchitis and then a sinus infection. I went to the doctors two days ago, and he pretty much told me what i already knew, i was on the mend at this point and an antibiotic would only speed it up by about a day. ughhh.....Just ask Nerdycub how bad the coughing has been. *rubs his ears* sorry bud. A couple of days ago, i got notice from my apartment complex that they are hiking my rent for the lease renewal 130$ - Fuck that... So i'm in the process of boxing up all my stuff. Also missing out on all the cool stuff that is happening with family back in my home town which i am ultimately trying to get back to. My brother and his wife and my nephew all moved from Nashvile back to Spokane and bought a shit ton of land and have already been playing on the 4 wheelers, motorcycles, and planted a huge garden. My brothers wife got the position as lead doctor in the main hospital in Spokane. And here i am stuck away from all the cool stuff and the birthdays. Just missed my brother and sisters 30th birthday and little thomas (my nephew) just turned 2 and i haven't even met him yet because my job doesn't really allow the time. (discussed about this). Also recently had my ex best friend try and argue with me the other night (someone i haven't talked with for almost a year) and really, i wasn't feeling good already, i didn't need that too, something about apologies, i'm never one to hold a grudge because those take work, but the sting doesn't usually ever fade from my trust. For they don't have it, and never will again. Sorry, that was a side note, on top of all that, my current position is still on a PIP so my job is under fire. hopefully i can keep it and bring up performance in a job that deals specifically with influence. Change change change... ugh...

So Diablo 3 has been a lot of fun and helped me connect with friends and co-workers through it so that has been a lot of fun and well needed to just de stress among all this - although the game leaves much to be desired. 10 years we waited for 10 year quality? Nahhh its more like a 3-year quality game.


Anyway, I am finally on the mend and going out looking for a new Apartment tomorrow - and hopefully in the near future i'll have money again. One of my awesome co-worker's wife offered to make me lunched for an entire month for 40$ - Damn right I said yes! huge savings! Also looking at apartments that are 250$ cheaper then i am in now, just will be a further drive away from work,

my ultimate game plan is to stay at the current job i'm at long enough to pay off my car and get a savings back up then transfer to spokane as a regular manager (taking a 40% pay cut) in my home town Apple store to be close to family and then finish my 4 year degree. - still a ways out but i'll get there, then take the lead manager position at the Apple store there (highest position).

So much work ahead.... *crinkles while i scamper off to nap off the last of this sickness*

so much for leaving retail...or writing a book series, or starting a web design business. Sometimes family is just the most important. And one of the free things in life that can give you the most joy. I have much hope for better times within the next 2 years.

So, I'm not one to journal my open feelings, despite having a blog for many years, but i seem to feel safe to do so here. With that said, heres whats going on.

Living alone really raises the bar on expectations. Things like having my own place, super nice things, a zen to come home to after a stressful day at work, everything is where i left it, nothing broken, and most of all no dirty dishes to argue over, or food missing from my fridge. No random intrusions into the bedroom while having a romantic evening. I don't have to listen to a roommates bad taste in music, or put up with all the drama they add to what i already have of my own.

Now in my opinion there are two types of drama. Drama that comes from stupidity, the kind that follows individuals around because they keep making the same mistakes and wondering why bad things keep happening and why no one will come rescue them because they have abused the privilege. The second type has to do with work and responsibility. When work takes over your life, screws with your social life, and your bills keep needing to be paid, family casting you out, or asking for favors and your job is wearing you thin to the point of breaking, your social life (not online) is in shambles because of your work schedule and where you live, and you hadn't realized how good you had it before because you wanted to "go out into the real world and make something better of yourself."

The second type is how i'm feeling. I'm under paid for what i have to put up with, and tired of not having weekends off or holidays off. Tired of moving to places that i absolutely know nobody and must keep trying to make friends without the crutch of school for easy social networking. Work all day, come home, and feel burnt. (going on 4 years)

Doing little things just start to take more effort then they use to. Cleaning, fixing, packing, moving when lease is up. All these things are so much easier with a best friend near by to help x.x Job hunting is draining, the job market is flooded with underpaid jobs. They ask for something that requires a lot of skill and low ball you. How offensive. That part is just a society pitfall that became accepted subtly within the last 20 years. It wasn't always like this. Degrees don't mean anything, but when your 30 you will have enough years of experience to apply for a proper paying job! WOW thats the way to grow the future. Wear them out early, and don't encourage them to grow - Thanks Corporate America Values!

Retail is a ticking time bomb, i swear it ages you at 10x the rate. Dealing with tall 2-year-olds (old people and stupid adults). anyways, end of that rant.

I have so much to do, my lease is up at the beginning of July, and i haven't even started packing. Just got a stack of boxes and am not really sure where to start. I have more furniture now then i did before, way too much padding.. and a shit ton of office stuff too that will all need packed. Who likes packing by themselves? It's hell. I'm overwhelmed to be honest. *starts whimpering*

simplify simplify simplify....

I also need to find a new job - hopefully near my home town. I would love to move back. - time still needing to be spent on this task.
Also need to plan my move, look at apartment costs, possible rooming situations, if a storage unit might be worth it then paying for the space etc. moving truck costs, getting my car there, gas cost, move out/move in costs....

oh and i managed to pick up the flu 5 days ago...

ugh. i'm so burnt... *slumps on couch whimpering softly*